


Almost Heaven

by niamcuddles



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Fluff and Smut, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Mentions of drug/alcohol abuse, also do not worry, if needed there will be warnings before every chapter, its just an adult fic in every sense, its not that dark, mentions of physical violence, not darker than my other fics anyway, the main characters dont die
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:20:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 211,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27215572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/niamcuddles/pseuds/niamcuddles
Summary: Liam's still fairly new to his job as counsellor at a university, but he thinks he's doing alright so far. That is until he recognizes one of the students he's working with from many years ago. Their shared past and present struggles are making it hard to part ways again. Whether they want to or not.(Or: Liam, Niall and Louis spent years of their childhood on the streets. There comes a moment where 11-year-old Liam makes a decision no child should have to make. 18 years later, he realizes he chose wrong.)Updates every Monday between 11pm and Midnight CET (Vienna)
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Niall Horan/Liam Payne
Comments: 237
Kudos: 133





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> yes the title is from that song, it kinda fits. except they are in the UK and actually none of it fits at all. but the message does somehow. actually i just listened to a cover of this song and its so good and i cant think of another title so here we are 
> 
> no warnings for this chapter

“So when can you go home?” Harry asked a bit absently, and Liam would have maybe gotten upset over him not paying any attention, but they had been on this Facetime call for way too long anyways.

“I’ve got 2 more coming in now… everyone warned me that it gets crazy at this time of year.” Liam shrugged a bit, watching Harry dropping the phone or doing whatever with it, but then he was suddenly up walking. “So I-“

“Sorry, Li, I gotta go. I’ll text you later, okay?” And then Harry had hung up, probably because someone had entered the room and Liam just had to take it like that.

It was fine, they both had jobs and things to do and sometimes, life just got in the way of them seeing each other for a week. Or two. So Liam was still appreciative whenever he could squeeze in a phone call or something, especially because Harry was always so busy. It was a lot easier with Zayn, because he could decide when to work and where, but because he was living in his head so much, they could also easily go without texting for days. But that was different anyways.

Liam had 10 more minutes until his next appointment, and he made sure to check his emails one more time, in case there was an emergency or something, but nothing. He also opened the windows for a while, made sure to store away some documents and just generally clean his office for a bit. It was still crazy to him that he had gotten an office literally upon starting his job here, which had only been 6 months ago as well. 

Before that, Liam had only had one job since graduating from his Master’s program that hadn’t been a side job, and though it had paid well, better than this job, he had decided after around 4 years that it had been nothing for him. He had missed talking to actual people there, but now that he had gotten a job that revolved around only that, it sometimes made him question whether his degree had prepared him for any of this at all.

Somehow, none of his professors had ever mentioned that it was impossible to help everyone, that what it said on some piece of paper or a million studies couldn’t be applied to most situations here. So sometimes, Liam questioned why it had taken so damn long to get that degree in the first place. Not that he had been the quickest, but still. 

There was a weak knock on the door that startled Liam, he had barely had any time to check up on who was coming in now, but it was too late anyways.

“Yeah, come in!” He made sure to talk loudly, the walls were thick and he had had people standing in front of it too scared to come in because they hadn’t heard is answer. After all, most students coming were rather nervous, a lot of the, not quite sure if they even wanted to be here in the first place. 

Not this time though.

The student coming in didn’t at all look scared, he just seemed rather bored, backpack over his one shoulder, narrowing his eyes for a moment as he looked at Liam, continuing to scan the room afterwards. He couldn’t have been THAT much younger than Liam, but then again, no one coming here ever was.

Working as a counselor at a university when he had graduated university only 4 years ago himself obviously had him dealing with a lot of students around his age. Which sometimes didn’t help the dynamic, but other times it seemed to work out really well, especially with the younger ones that had just started. Plus, a few of them had admitted they found it comforting to know he was kind of their age, because he could actually follow their thoughts processes and what they were going through a lot better. And whatever he had learned at university on a scientific level was probably more up to date as well. 

“Hi, you can sit down here.” Liam told him, gesturing to the chair opposite his desk. He kept his eyes on the boy, the way he moved, how he carelessly threw down his backpack, letting himself fall into the chair. “You are… Mr. Horan?”

“Yeah.” He nodded, and Liam had panicked for a moment not finding his name on his computer. Sometimes the students would insist he referred to them with their first name because it made them more comfortable to tell him things, but not this time. And Liam could only see the name as _Horan, N._ anyways.

Not that it mattered.

“Right, perfect. How are you?” He smiled at the boy, who simply shrugged, sitting on his hands and Liam wasn’t sure if he was nervous or just didn’t wanna be here. Maybe both, but then again, he seemed rather relaxed.

“Fine, I guess.” Then there was a pause, in which Liam did not say anything because this boy had his mouth open, but then he closed it again. Only to speak up in the end, staring at the desk instead of at Liam’s face. “We both know I don’t wanna be here. There’s no reason to either. I don’t know why my professor insisted… he doesn’t even know me.”

Right, now THAT made Liam think hard, but it slowly came back to him, this email he had received of one of the professors, how he had made an agreement with one of his students who was struggling and that he had agreed to come talk to Liam but that he would NOT make an appointment himself. 

Okay, so that was this student, and Liam must have mixed up his days, but he was good at overplaying those things.

“You are free to go, you don’t have to be here.” Obviously, but most people came on their own terms so usually they at least stayed for the first session anyway.

“I know that, but I agreed I’d come and I don’t wanna lie, so… here I am.” He shrugged again, and then he folded his arms in front of his chest. 

“We can just have a conversation, and you can leave at any time you feel like it. And I promise, nothing leaves this room, your professor will never know if you were here not, it’s confidential information.” Liam promised, but the boy did not seem to care too much anyways because there was no answer. Liam decided not to take any notes for now as to not scare him off. “So, what are you studying?”

“Music engineering… did he not tell you that?” He did look up saying this, as if he was offended that he had to repeat it himself.

“No, he only briefly told me about the situation, nothing else.” He had written Liam a lengthy email, WAY too wordy, so Liam had assumed it was serious. Judging by this boy’s whole appearance and attitude, it was maybe even worse than that, or the professor was simply exaggerating. “What semester are you in? Are you enjoying your classes?”

“I’ve only got one more after this one, before I graduate… that’s why I’m here. I can’t fail this class. Or any of them.” He did finally look Liam in the eyes saying this, and suddenly he sounded really panicked. 

“Are you planning on continuing your studies after y-“

“No way. No idea how I even made it this far, a Bachelor is enough for me anyways, I’m older than most people already.” He shook his head, so Liam took it is in, he did NOT enjoy any of it. “Sometimes I wonder why I even started… but wait, I take that back, or you’re gonna think my professor sent me here for a reason.”

“Why would it matter if I think that or not? There’s nothing wrong with coming here, even if it’s just for a chat to check in. Sometimes it helps to just talk.” Liam tried, but he could tell this was a tough one. “Nothing you say leaves these walls, I’m just here to help. Whether you take my advice or not is entirely up to you.”

“I don’t need advice. I’m fine.” He kept insisting, crossing his arms in front of his chest again, and his leg was now bouncing up and down.

Liam was trying to think of something to say, and he had just opened his mouth when the other boy was faster, now staring out of the window, biting his lip.

“You know, that professor really had no business- he thinks he’s helping, but he’s only putting more pressure on me by making me come here and- it’s so stupid. Just because I overslept a couple times and he saw me drunk, outside of uni on a weekend, he thinks I’ve got problems.” He let out a huff, and at least now Liam knew that there was more to the story. “Tell me one person that does NOT drink in university.”

“How often do you drink?” Liam asked, but he wanted to take it back on an instant. This was not the right approach with this boy, for sure.

“I don’t fucking know, sometimes. Why? Do you think I’m an alcoholic now?” He laughed, not sounding amused at ALL though and Liam wanted to sigh, but of course he did not. 

“No, I was simply wondering as to why your professor would suggest you come here simply judging from what you told me because it doesn’t sound serious. Especially if it happened outside of university grounds.” Liam tried it this way, letting the other boy know he was on his side here, even though he obviously was on no one’s side. They both knew there was more to it though, and when their eyes met, they both knew that the other knew and the boy sighed quite heavily, rubbing his hands over his face.

“Fine. Whatever.” He gave in in the end and honestly, Liam was a little curious when he started to explain. “I forgot to turn in a couple assignments, then I overslept a few times, maybe I fell asleep in his class but it’s also not the most exciting, okay? Like, I don’t know how someone can become a professor when they literally don’t know how to teach, but- whatever. Then the thing happened where he saw me drunk and… you- you really can’t tell anyone what I say here, right? Nothing at all?”

“No, I’m legally not allowed to.” Liam told him, but then he looked at this boy and… “… unless you… killed someone.”

“Wait- what?” Okay, Liam had overstepped a line there, but suddenly he had gotten nervous, he was only doing this job for 6 months after all. It was nothing like what he had been taught at uni or his old job. “I’ve not killed anyone. I just smoked some weed.”

Liam was so relieved now, it was so inappropriate but like… thank GOD it was only weed. “And your professor caught you doing that as well?”

“No.” The boy rolled his eyes, then he cleared his throat, staring at his feet instead. “The people I was with, they… like, some of them are in that same class, so… they told him about it.”

“And you were the only one smoking?” This made NO sense at all. What kinda friends did this kid have?

“No. I mean, obviously, they said that, but… “ Then he sighed again, very dramatically, but then he was also biting his lip again out of nervousness. “… they told him I said some stuff. Like… that I was gonna jump off of a bridge or some shit. But I was drinking AND I was a high and… I can’t even remember any of that. Anyways, uh… they went to talk to him, told him I was crazy or something. Now I’m here.”

“When was that?” Now it had suddenly turned into a very serious issue and Liam sat up straighter. He had not expected this to take such a turn.

“Dunno… it’s been going on all semester, but the thing with my classmates… like 2 weeks ago? No idea. This semester is really dragging on.” He shrugged, seemingly feeling better now that he had said it. Liam was not. “Look, I’m not suicidal, I was just not myself. Yeah, I’m not the most motivated student ever, so I oversleep sometimes. Sometimes I drink and sometimes I smoke some stuff. Whatever. Doesn’t make me crazy.”

“No one said you are crazy.” Well, maybe his classmates, Liam wouldn’t know. “Look, I believe you, but I still have to ask you now, do you have any intention of harming yourself or-“

“No, I told you. I won’t jump off of anything or do anything else. I’m fine. It was a joke. Probably, I can’t remember any of it. Maybe I never even said it at all and they were just twisting my words.” Great, that only made it worse because now Liam was kinda scared to let him leave just like that.

“And have you ever had such thoughts before? When you were not drinking or smoking anything? Or… taking other things?” Because it seemed HIGHLY likely that he had, and he did not deny it either.

“No. I mean, maybe years ago, who remembers that so well?” Wait… “I’m fine right now.”

“And what would have prompted you in the past to feel this way?” Liam kept asking because if he let this conversation die, this boy would get up and leave.

“Just… stuff.” He had a very closed off way of talking and acting, but at the same time it seemed he really wanted to say things as well, simply didn’t trust Liam or didn’t really know how to word things. When he did talk, he sounded very cold, emotionless, as if none of it mattered. “I had a shit childhood. And then I was in like, 500 foster families or something, I was just glad to get out when I was old enough. It was literal hell, anyone would have wanted to die at times. Still doesn’t mean I need someone to talk to.” 

“I’m sorry about that. Genuinely.” Liam had to swallow, because it hit close to home but he usually never mentioned things about himself, even if he could relate. It was unprofessional, and this wasn’t HIS therapy session after all. “You almost got a degree now though, you made it very far despite what has happened, something must have kept you going all that time.” 

“The thought that I never wanna go back to that probably? And that I would probably fail if I did try to off myself, and then they’d just send me off to some hospital and I couldn’t decide over my life anyways. But as I said, I’m totally good now.” Who in this world would have believed him right now?!

“I, um… Mr. Horan.” Liam started, and NOW it was weird that he did not know his first name. “This is very serious, of course you can still leave at any time you want, but I would appreciate it if you stayed. We can talk about anything at all, it doesn’t have to be about the present or this class, it could-”

“But what else is there to talk about? It’s all in the past, I’m 24, why’s any of that matter now? Life is just… whatever.” He shrugged, Liam could hear the anger in his voice, but the boy was already continuing, more as if he was talking to himself though. “I just think it’s unfair, that when some kids have shit parents and then shit foster parents, and then again and again, that no one ever steps in. You know? No one cares. And now suddenly they do. Because I got drunk and had a joint and overslept some classes. So fucking what? No one ever suggested I go see someone before this professor and the other stuff was a whole lot worse.”

“I understand you’re angry, and it’s okay if you are. It really is not fair and the system works great for some people, but it really does not for others. Its let you down and-“

“I know that. I know all of that. I literally just said it myself. Why are we talking about that? It’s not helping. I just wanna pass this class.” He cut Liam off and honestly, this session had really turned into something else. 

Liam had had people storming out of here before, and in the first 1-2 months he had taken it all to heart, had thought he had failed, or that he was a shit psychologist after all. Maybe he was, but one of his colleagues had assured him that it literally did not matter how good he was, because it was all relative anyways, some people would like his approach, some would hate it. There was nothing to be done about it except try his best and do what he thought was the right thing to do.

Still, Liam felt a bit frustrated at this point. 

“Your professor said you had to come here to pass his class?” Sounded fake, because Liam was not allowed to tell him if he had been here or not, unless the boy gave him written permission.

“No, he said I needed to get my shit together and deal with my problems and that he couldn’t let me pass with a clear conscious the way things are now or something. He said that you’re so great and you’ve helped some of his other students or whatever, so I thought why not. But I kinda wanna go.” He was already reaching for his backpack, and Liam was panicking yet again. What was wrong with him today?!

“I would really like to help you as well.” Liam tried again, his brain suddenly emptying. 

“How? I’m fine. Just because I had a stupid childhood doesn’t mean I need help now. I don’t always wanna have to explain this shit, that foster families work for some and not for others and blah blah blah, I lived through that already, why repeat it? And people are always so shocked when I say I used to live on the streets for a while when I was a child, like… how is that so hard to believe? Not everything in the world is perfect and I never went to therapy for that either, why would I need it now?” When he said that, Liam immediately listened up, it was like, some shock going through his body and for a moment, his mouth felt too dry to speak. “… did you fall asleep or something?”

“No, I- of course not, I’m just- I’m very sorry. For all of this. I’m sorry for my reaction. I also think you can be very proud of yourself for everything you have achieved and for how far you’ve come. And I can clearly tell you want to leave, and if you don’t think any of this benefits you then of course you can go, but I would be more than happy if-“

They were interrupted by a phone, and the boy looked at his for a moment, and then he actually ended up answering the call. Normally Liam wasn’t very appreciative of the students doing that in the middle of their conversation, but today it gave him a moment to breathe, for which he was very happy. And he felt really terrible about it.

“No, I can’t- no I won’t make it in time.” The boy wasn’t even trying to keep his voice down, still sounding angry now. “No, I can’t- I have to study and- oh my god, can you let me finish?”

Liam was just watching him, a million thoughts in his head, barely hearing the conversation as he stared at the boy opposite his desk, the way he articulated, what he had just told Liam, the way he talked, but also… the way he looked like.

And then he said something that made Liam freeze yet again.

“No, Louis, we can’t go there again. Okay? I’m actually busy, I- yeah, bye.” He hung up then, looking even more upset than before. “Sorry, that was a friend, he- what?”

Liam couldn’t answer, because his throat felt tight and his hands sweaty and he was THIS close to losing it. He took another glance at his computer. _Horan, N._ …. But what were the odds? Literally zero.

“Are you okay?” The boy asked, seemingly getting uncomfortable with Liam’s silence. “Maybe I should-“

“Niall?” It slipped out, Liam didn’t know what he had been thinking asking, if he had even been thinking at all when he guessed the boy’s name.

There was a moment where he almost relaxed, where he thought the other boy would simply be confused, say that no, that was not his name, but that moment passed as quickly as it had come. “Um, yes?”

“That is… that’s your name?” Liam asked, because officially he had never been told. Except, the other boy did not know that, he probably thought Liam had his whole information on his computer. Usually he would have, at least after the first session because he did have to keep protocols for university policy reasons.

“Yeah? Why are you only asking that now? I thought we established that when I came in here. Niall Horan.” He confirmed, and then he grabbed his backpack, clearly weirded out. “Look, sorry for being a bit- I gotta go, I’m sure this helps a lot of people and stuff, it’s probably just me and I have another class in a bit anyways, so…” 

Liam was still just staring at him, because he couldn’t be sure, not 100%, and he couldn’t ask just heads on, but also because he couldn’t come up with the right words, only with one. “Wait.”

Niall did wait, though he had already gotten up, backpack over one shoulder again and Liam’s heart was hammering in his chest. Suddenly, nothing mattered, suddenly, he almost felt like he would burst into tears as he opened one of the drawers on his desk, only thinking about it for the split of a second before reaching inside.

There was nothing to lose, if he was wrong it would be embarrassing and hard to explain, but it was whatever at this point. But Liam couldn’t just let him go with the prospect of never finding out, never seeing him again. Sure, he knew the professor and could have easily found that class online, but that would have been even weirder than this right here, ESPECIALLY if he was wrong about it all.

Somehow though, Liam didn’t think there was a chance that he was indeed wrong. 

“What are you doing?” Niall was now clearly questioning Liam’s sanity, but the other man did not answer, he put the object he had pulled out of the drawer on the desk in front of him, between them, for a moment not even daring to look up.

A silence overcame them as they were both staring at the green toy car and Liam knew before anyone said a word. He knew that Niall knew, that he remembered, and all those memories rushing back made Liam want to puke.

When he did force himself to look up and their eyes met, Niall’s body seemed to have gone limp, his mouth was slightly open as he whispered and Liam could tell his tears were about to spill over.

“… Liam?”

\----------------------------------

_”LIAM! What the fuck are you doing? Come here immediately.” The man yelled, giving Liam quite a shock as he hurried to climb down from the tree, a little bit wanting to cry. He hated being yelled at so much, but after a year, he had learned that crying normally made things worse. “What were you doing up there?! Are you stupid?”_

_“Umm… just… playing.” Liam told him, twisting his shirt in his hands because he had no smarter answer. He tried to stand tall though, as he had been taught._

_“You are NINE years old. You don’t play. If you behave like such a baby then maybe I can’t send you with the others today. But you know what happens if you don’t go, you won’t get any share of the food either.” Of course Liam knew that. Everyone knew that and had experienced it. More than just once._

_“I’m not a baby.” He told the man, in the firmest voice he could manage, his tears still threatening to spill over at some point if this conversation did not end soon._

_“Then don’t fucking behave like one. Got it? Now, get out of my sight and get to work.” Liam ran off immediately, the very first chance he got._

_It took him a while to find the others, but luckily, they hadn’t left without him yet._

_“Did you get in trouble again?” Louis was grinning, he was probably noticing Liam’s red cheeks because they still felt hot, and his eyes still felt watery._

_“No.” Liam lied, not looking at his friend. He still wanted to cry and it was so early in the morning. “Are we going together?”_

_“We can, but you have to put on a jacket if we do, ‘cos your shirt has like 40 holes in it.” Louis threw a jacket at him before Liam could have said anything, though he knew his friend was of course right. They weren’t supposed to look dirty or uncared for, they weren’t supposed to draw any attention, especially when they went without adults._

_“I wanna go further today, we’ll probably be back really late.” The older boy warned him, and Liam just nodded._

_He didn’t care how far they went, they might have never come back and Liam would have been fine with it. They could have done it, just him and Louis. The other boy was 11, by far not the oldest of the kids, but Liam was the youngest. He and Louis got along the best though, at least Liam felt that way, he wasn’t sure about Louis._

_Whenever he brought up that they could run away, Louis immediately shushed him, even when they were all alone. Liam had thought about it many times, but he wouldn’t have known where to go by himself, who to trust or who to turn to. He was always told the world was a bad place, and that that was his life now and that it would not get better, that he should be grateful for what he had._

_But unlike most of the other kids here, and Louis, Liam knew a life before all of this that he never dared to talk about. He had only been here for a year and it felt like eternity, like it would never end, and never get better. He was afraid that eventually, he would just accept it like the others, and not want to run away anymore._

_He was only 9 though, what could he have done?!_

_Louis had not been lying when he had said they’d be back late. It was already dark when they got back to the building, and Liam had never felt this full of food in the past year. Sometimes he felt bad that they were stealing on occasion, but if they only ever ate what they were given at night, they would have all long starved. Maybe the boss knew that, because he never said a thing if they were good at pretending, but he must have for sure had a suspicion at least._

_“Look at that. I knew I could count on you, Lou.” No mention of Liam when they handed over all the things, and mostly the money, before showing their pockets to confirm they weren’t keeping anything for themselves._

_Liam had done that once, in the beginning. The scars on his back had never healed._

_“You can get two portions today, but don’t think of sharing.” He warned him, and then they were let go. At least Liam thought so, but he was stopped. “Liam. A word.”_

_Liam shared a scared look with Louis, who only looked a bit helpless before walking off, his heart beating in his throat._

_“Did I do anything wrong? I’m sorry for this morning, I-“_

_“Shut up. Come with me.” The man told him, the smile on his face giving Liam chills. He was so creepy, but not as creepy as their other boss. Luckily Liam barely ever saw him, he always came in a suit looking all expensive, and he never wanted to interact with any of the kids, he had called the all sorts of names and now they had to hide away whenever he came, because he said they smelled and he did not want them anywhere near him._

_The building was completely run down, and it was quiet because of how late it was, a lot of the adults had already gone to sleep, so there were also not many lights. Liam was so scared that his entire body was shivering, he expected to be hit at any moment, with fists or worse… the belt again._

_“Since you’ve been here for a year, I think you know how things are working by now, and you’ve finally learned to behave yourself. Most of the time. Either way, I can’t afford to burden anyone else with this.” He sounded careless, and they walked around one more corner before they stopped. “Liam, from now on, you’ve got a new partner.”_

_It was a boy, a LOT younger than Liam, and he was just sitting there, with a blanket around his shoulders, shivering even more than Liam as he stared up at them with huge eyes, tear tracks on his face._

_“This is… “ The man started, but then he broke off. “Never mind. I suppose you’ll find out. No idea what we’re gonna do with him, but those are orders from higher up. Just watch out for him and take him with you wherever you go. And if he acts out, you’re gonna be the one to blame, got it? You’re like… his mentor now. Or something. Just don’t get on my nerves and don’t lose him.”_

_Liam agreed, he had a million questions, but he knew he was not allowed to ask any of them. He had learned here to just take things as they were and deal with it, because there was no choice. Never._

_The man left them alone and Liam just stood there, looking at the boy. At least now he wasn’t shivering anymore, this was a lot better than getting beaten. But it didn’t mean that Liam wanted to do this, because he really didn’t. Louis was his partner most of the time, what was going to happen to that now?!_

_“Hi, I’m Liam.” He told the boy, who was just staring at him. “What’s your name?”_

_There was no answer, nothing, not even a single reaction._

_“Ummm… I’m going to eat now… you have to come with me.” Liam wasn’t hungry, but he still had to eat or someone would get suspicious. And then Louis would get in trouble, because they weren’t supposed to take anything for themselves, or eat it._

_The boy still did not move, and Liam did not know what to do. How old even was he? What was he supposed to do with him?!_

_“If I leave and you stay here, you’re gonna get in HUGE trouble.” He told the boy, what else was he supposed to say? “Last time I did something wrong, I got this.”_

_Liam then lifted his shirt, showing the boy the healing wound on his waist, and his eyes went even bigger, and then he started crying. Quietly though, and at least he got up, so that was all Liam cared about._

_The boy followed him without saying a word, crying the entire time but Liam stopped looking after a while. He did feel bad for him, but he also felt bad for himself, and he knew that this boy would have to go through all of this too, there was no point in making him feel better now._

_Because there really was nothing good about any of this._

_“Who is that?” One of the other kids asked once Liam got back to them, taking his share of the food, and there was nothing left for this boy, so he would have to be hungry._

_“I don’t know. I’m supposed to watch out for him.” Liam explained before going to find Louis, but he was sitting with the older kids, so Liam decided not to go over there._

_Instead, he sat alone, with this little boy by his side, who looked even more lost now than before._

_“Sorry, they had nothing left for you.” He told him as he started eating his own food, looking inside the can rather than at this boy’s face, because he was still crying and… now Liam felt bad. Especially because he wasn’t even hungry. Actually, he felt a bit sick from how much he had eaten, so… “… maybe you can have some of mine, but only if no one’s looking.”_

_At first, the boy didn’t seem to wanna eat, but in the end, he must have finished at least half of Liam’s food. Afterwards, most of the others had already gone to sleep, and luckily this boy had his own blanket already, because Liam didn’t know where else he would have gotten one for him. He would have probably frozen to death seeing as it was late in the year and the glass in almost all the windows had at least a hole or two. Same as the roof._

_They were lying down on the hard, dirty floor, the boy with nothing but the blanket, Liam with his own blanket and a stale pillow he had gotten that one time as gift because he had stolen this rich man’s wallet. In the beginning he had felt bad about all those things, but now… it was just normal. A way to survive here. He didn’t WANNA steal after all._

_It was never fully quiet, but Liam was about to fall asleep when he heard the boy next to him whisper._

_“My name is Niall… “ It was so quiet that Liam had almost not heard it, but he turned a bit then, trying to make out the boy’s features in the darkness._

_“How old are you?” He whispered, not wanting anyone to hear._

_“Four… “ The boy told him, and Liam suddenly felt really, really bad. “… and you?”_

_“I’m nine.” Liam answered after a moment, not really knowing what else to say. “… why are you here? Did anybody bring you?”_

_“My mommy… she said… she said it’s only for a little bit.” Niall explained to him, his voice about to break. “Where is your mommy?”_

_“I don’t know… “ She was dead, just like all of his family. But Liam could have not said that to a 4-year-old, could he?! “We should go to sleep now.”_

_“I’m really cold… “ The little boy told him, and Liam felt the same. “… I hope my mommy picks me up tomorrow.”_

_Liam had no idea what to say, because he knew she wouldn’t. Not tomorrow and not the day after. And most likely never. How would he explain this to Niall, and why did he have to? Why did no adult do this? Why him?_

_\--------------------------------_

_It was hard in the beginning, because some of the other kid were teasing Liam, because he was stuck with the baby. Niall cried for his mom every single day, probably for a month. It was hard to go anywhere with him, especially when it was just the two of them, and then they always got back with mostly nothing, and Liam had never gone so long with so little food as punishment for it all._

_Louis snuck them something once a while, but it was never enough._

_The worst part was that Niall followed Liam around like a lost puppy, and he had to as well, but Liam was getting annoyed with it. But that was mostly because he was so upset, because things had gone alright and now he was starving and getting yelled at and he could barely ever spend the day with Louis anymore._

_All because of this boy that he was with all day and all night now. Somewhere deep down, Liam knew that this had been him a year ago, an he had been 8 by that time, twice as old as Niall now. So he knew what it was like, very well so, and he knew it was hard, and terrible, and that Niall was almost a toddler still, so of course he felt bad too._

_But Liam had to survive too and this was only making things so much worse. Maybe it would just take some time though, maybe eventually they’d be able to work well together and get along… right?_

\----------------------------

“You’re… you’re alive. You’re here.”

Liam could not believe it, he actually had to pinch his arm, and his tears were spilling over and he wasn’t sure if he was happy or sad or both as he stared at the boy standing in front of his desk, not moving. 

“Niall… “ No idea why he had to say his name again, he just HAD to, because… was this a dream? Was this really happening?! “I thought… after all those years, I—I thought you were… dead.”

Liam had thought it so many times in fact, he had come to view it as the only possible option. He had searched for Niall many times, as he had for the others, but eventually he had given up. Eventually, he had tried to let the past be the past, and live his life the way it was now, forgive himself for how things had gone down, for what had happened.

No idea what had gotten into Liam, he didn’t even feel like himself as he walked around the table, Niall still not having moved or said a single word, not even when Liam hugged him tight, because he simply HAD to. How many times had he imagined this? How many nights had he had nightmares? And wished he could have done exactly this?!

For a second or two, things seemed alright, and Liam thought that he could have never been happier in his life. But he was very wrong.

“Get off of me.” Niall pushed him away almost immediately, shock written across his face as he took several steps back, as if he was afraid Liam would have gone after him. “What the fuck?!”

“I’m sorry, I- I shouldn’t have.” Of course Liam knew it had been wrong, he had acted out of impulse and… but it also still hurt him that Niall was reacting this way. He still felt tears on his face that he did his best to wipe away, but somehow, they never seemed to stop. At least he could talk somewhat normally, maybe because it still did not even feel real. “I just… I can’t believe it.”

“Me neither.” Niall told him, but his voice sounded cold, and his expression was undefinable to Liam. He saw that the younger boy’s eyes were watery as well, but he was afraid it was not out of happiness. “I have to go.”

“Niall, no- wait. Please. Let’s talk about it, let’s… “ No idea what, they still had at least half an hour before the last person would come in and… honestly, Liam could have just cancelled. He would have, on an instant. 

“I don’t want to.” The other boy told him, his eyes hard as he looked at Liam, re-arranging his backpack, moving closer to the door. “I have nothing to say.”

“I have a lot to say.” Liam blurt out, his heart breaking into a million pieces and he could FEEL it, just like he had back then. “Niall, please-“

“I don’t care. I had a lot to say as well, but not anymore. You don’t even fucking know me, why would I stay to talk? I should go.” His hand was already on the door handle, but it seemed to Liam he was still hesitating. So this was his only chance.

“I know you, Niall. Of course I do, why wouldn’t I-“

“No, you literally don’t. And I don’t know you either. Not anymore. None of it matters, it’s been like 18 fucking years. And I really need to go.” And then he opened the door, and Liam panicked, so he said the worst possible thing.

“Wait, please, you- You found Louis?” He couldn’t help himself, remembering Niall’s conversation on the phone, and the boy threw a really weird look at him, half-amused, half-angry.

“He found me.” Was all he said, and then he walked out of the room, loudly pulling the door closed behind himself. He was not the first person to do this, but the first one who left Liam in tears.

Fuck, how was this possible?! How… how was Liam supposed to live with this knowledge? That Niall went to THIS university, that he… that he was alive. That he had made it this far. And yet… yet judging from what he had told Liam, his life had been very different from what Liam would have wished for him, the complete opposite and…

And of course the guilt took over after a while, OF COURSE Liam’s emotions were all over the fucking place and he had never struggled so hard to keep it together when the last student came it, probably not receiving the kind of conversation he had needed, but they did schedule a new appointment after this one.

When Liam went home that night, he literally thought he would be going insane. Maybe he’d wake up the next day, if he ever found any sleep, and none of this would have even happened, because it just felt too surreal to be true.

\---------------------------

He did not wake up thinking it had been a dream, but for the split of a second when he first opened his eyes, Liam had forgotten what had happened. And then when the memories slowly creeped back into his mind, he was distracted with a sound coming from somewhere in his apartment.

Which was weird to say the least, because he lived alone. 

For a second, Liam thought about whether he should be afraid, but after yesterday and after only sleeping an hour or two, he honestly did no care. Plus, if he had had to make a wild guess, he probably knew what was going on anyways, so he put off going outside his bedroom for a while longer.

He really needed to leave his key in the lock overnight from now on.

“Oh, morning.” Harry was simply standing there, in Liam’s kitchen, trying to get the coffee machine to work and Liam wanted to slap him. “Is this thing broken again?”

“Why the hell are you here?” Liam ignored his question, but Harry simply shrugged, still staring at the coffee machine with a very concentrated look on his face. “Harry? What the hell, you can’t just come here whenever you-“

“I can, you gave me a key.” He reminded Liam, and yeah, THAT had been the biggest mistake of his life. Well… thinking back to yesterday… not the biggest. Fuck, Liam couldn’t keep worrying about it, there was no use. “’sides, I didn’t wanna be alone on a Saturday morning. I was out of oat milk too.”

“I don’t have any oat milk.” Liam half spat out, but then he decided to simply accept his fate and go to the fridge. Whatever. “I thought you went on a date last night.”

“I did.” Harry nodded, his face lightening up when the coffee machine FINALLY started to do its thing. Of course Liam could have told him what he had done wrong from the beginning, but he was more concerned with why Harry was here in the first place. 

“And?” Liam continued asking, because… Harry had been dating this guy for a while now and to put it simple, he did not usually wanna spend the morning after with Liam. Also, what had been that guy’s name anyways… Jay? Jeff? Sean? Clearly, Liam had never met him.

“And then we broke up.” Oh. They had been official?

“I’m sorry, Haz, I didn’t wanna-“

“Oh, it’s fine. I was the one who ended it.” He shrugged as he turned around, having to drink the coffee with no milk because Liam’s fridge was close to empty. And even if it hadn’t been, it would have not catered to Harry’s diet either ways so whatever, it had been his choice to come here. 

“Why?” Then again, why did Liam bother asking?

“He doesn’t wanna have kids and he was starting to get on my nerves. Also, he thinks it’s stupid that I’m letting my hair grow out, as if I ever asked for his opinion.” Harry sat down at Liam’s small kitchen table, gesturing at whatever he must have placed there in a bag that Liam had not even noticed before. “I got you these, I can’t have any, but I thought you might enjoy them.”

“Oh, thanks.” It were some things from the bakery, and in all honesty, that seemed really amazing right now. Maybe Liam was a little bit glad that Harry had come after all. Just a little. “So… he just took it like that? When you broke up with him?”

“What’s he supposed to do? It would have never lasted.” He sounded very careless as he sipped his coffee, watching Liam making his own for a moment. “Looks like it will be me and you in the end.”

“We’re related, Haz.” Of course it had been a joke, but it was too early for jokes and Liam had only slept like 2 hours.

“Not by blood.” The other one reminded him and Liam rolled his eyes. “Actually, not at all. Not even by marriage.”

“You’re not my type, sorry.” Or not sorry.

“Too bad, we could have had so much fun. Like that one time-“

“Okay, can we not talk about this? This is weird as hell.” They were cousins, but not like, actual cousins, because they were not related at ALL, and they had always known that, obviously, because Liam had been adopted into the family. And teenagers being teenagers… “I’ve been trying hard to never think about that again.”

“Well, you’re the psychologist here, Liam, if you can’t make yourself forget traumatic past events, then how do you expect me to?” Good question.

“It’s not about forgetting. I’ve dealt with it, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I practiced kissing with your ugly mouth when we were 13, doesn’t mean I enjoy the memory.” Not that there was much of a memory, they were both 29 now and back then, they had only known each other for about 1 year when that had happened as well, so it was even less weird. Still.

“I’m just saying… maybe we are both doomed to be alone. You know? Our track record isn’t the best.” Oh god, not this conversation again.

“You can just say it if you miss this guy and regret breaking up with him, I’d understand. You don’t have to pretend that it was easy.” Liam decided to just cut the bullshit as he sat down with his coffee, ignoring Harry’s disgusted look when he poured normal milk into the cup. 

“I don’t regret it, he was a pig. I just regret that I wasted my time.” Well, good, at least Liam would not have to offer any condolences, because he really was not in the mood. “From now on, I will only focus on my career.”

“That’s what you said the last three times and then-“

“This time I mean it.” Harry shut him up and Liam rolled his eyes, but then he shrugged. Not his problem. “It seems to be working great for you. Like, that’s a compliment.”

“Thanks.” Liam wasn’t taking it as a compliment. Also, he did NOT want to talk about work right now. “Can we talk about something else?”

“Why?” The other man asked, and then his eyes went bigger in excitement and Liam made sure to stuff his mouth with whatever Harry had brought for him so he’d have more time to come up with an answer. “Oh my god, did something interesting happen? Let me guess… someone wrote you a love letter again?! Or wait- someone cried? They had another couple fight in your office? One of the professors came? You-“

“None of that. It’s Saturday, I don’t wanna think about work.” Or Niall.

“You’ve only been there for 6 months, it’s a bit soon to already be fed up with it.” Yeah, well, at this moment in time, Liam was really fed up. Not with work, just… the entire situation.

“I’m not. I just wanted to sleep in and not wake up to you punching my coffee machine.” It also wasn’t surprising, but still. 

“I’ll get you a new one for Christmas.” Harry promised, and somehow, Liam believed him. But only because he knew Harry would wanna use it himself whenever he came over, which… was all the time, apparently.

They did end up talking about other things than work during breakfast, and as time went on, Liam was more and more grateful for Harry being here. Otherwise he might have woken up overthinking again like he had last night, the WHOLE night, with no real conclusion or way to distract himself.

And it was a bank holiday on Monday as well, so Liam still had two more mornings with no work to distract him anyways. There was no way he’d find a solution to this, and as much as it still hurt him for whatever reason… Niall had been right. It HAD happened 18 years in the past, they did not know each other as they were now, probably never would.

It’s just… the randomness of it all, the fact that now Liam knew for sure what he had feared all along, Niall’s life having gone so completely wrong, while his own had- it wasn’t fair. And Liam felt he was the one to blame, he knew that wasn’t true, but… Niall obviously thought the same, or he would have not reacted that way. As if he carried years’ worth of anger. 

And Louis probably did too, that was another thing that had struck Liam. He would have never thought he’d hear from any of them again, but especially not these two. Especially not both of them at once.

“What are you doing later?” Harry was still there once they had finished breakfast and Liam had gotten out his laptop to check his emails, and maybe the news, because… why not? Harry wasn’t a normal guest anyways. In fact, he wasn’t a guest at all.

“I’ll have to go to the grocery store and-“

“Boring.” He interrupted and Liam rolled his eyes. “But can I come?”

“I mean… if you want to. I’m not buying anything you want though.” Because then Harry would only have more excuses to randomly show up here. One time he had been here while Liam had not even been home, and he had thought that someone had broken into the place or something.

“I actually gotta buy some things as well.” Okay, so it would take an eternity. Good thing Liam had nothing else planned except maybe going for a jog.

“Fine, whatever.” Somehow it seemed to Liam that Harry really did NOT want to be alone, that last night probably bothered him a lot more than he was letting on, so who was Liam to make him feel even worse?

He could relate to having had a bad night last night after all.

Harry got into Liam’s car with him later, meaning he would also have to come back with him because his own car was still parked in front of the building. Liam didn’t even bother thinking about it anymore.

“God, where all these people going on a Saturday?” Liam groaned as they got stuck in traffic, and he deeply regretted having let Harry talk him into going to this store ages away. He didn’t even need anything they had.

“Why are you so tense and pissed off the entire time?” Harry asked back, and Liam shrugged, thinking of denying it, but… it was a little bit obvious, why bother? “Did anything happen?”

“No.” Liam lied immediately, way too fast.

“Just tell me.” The other man kept pushing and then Liam simply decided that… why the hell not? They were stuck in traffic anyways and he could need the distraction. He could have needed a distraction from his own thoughts as well, but that seemed like too much to ask.

“It’s just… “ No idea where to even start, Harry only knew half the story after all. Maybe not even. “Some student came in yesterday… like, right after we talked on the phone… “

“And?” Harry asked when nothing else came, because Liam was trying hard to sort out his thoughts. 

“He was there because… a professor talked him into coming and he clearly did not wanna be there. Anyways, we talked for a while and I… and I realized that I know him.” Liam gripped the steering wheel more tightly, he was sure Harry noticed because he didn’t keep pushing this time. “I know him from… from way back. When I was a child, when… you know. We were there together.”

“Oh.” Was all the other man made, clearly surprised that this had kind of taken a dark turn. “And… did he still know you as well?”

“Umm… yeah. After I said something.” Not exactly, but Liam would have never known how else to explain it. And he had really just wanted to share it somehow. 

There was silence, and Harry was clearly weighing his words before he continued. “So did you talk? I mean… is he still coming to you for more sessions then?”

“Definitely not, uh… he left shortly after.” Liam shrugged, as if it wasn’t a big deal at all.

“Okay… “ The other man nodded a bit, Liam saw it from the corner of his eyes, knew that Harry probably had a thousand more questions. “So you didn’t get along back then? Or did he just not wanna talk?”

“I mean it was… we kind of… it was a difficult situation and… the last time we saw each other… “ Liam started, but then his thought trailed off for a moment, and he only came back to himself when the car behind him honked at him because he didn’t immediately move. “It was a really long time ago, I was only 11, so… I was just really shocked that it was him and… I never once spoke to anyone from back then again. That’s all, it’s just… been keeping me up last night, ‘cos I’ve been thinking about it all, you know?”

“Yeah, I get that. Sorry I was being so pushy.” Harry apologized immediately, and Liam just nodded. “And that I woke you so early.”

“I mean, it was like 9, so… “ Not that early, But early considering how late Liam had found rest. Harry couldn’t have known though.

“Still. Sorry.” He said it again, then silence followed, but only for a moment. “I’ve got a really great idea though.”

“Do I have to be scared?” Liam joked though he was not in the mood at all and Harry ignored it anyways.

“I’ve got nothing to do today and I’ve downloaded a couple new recipes that we could try tonight. Or me. We could even ask Zayn to come.” Something told Liam that this was not so much for him but for Harry, because he didn’t wanna be alone because of his break up. “Only if you insist though.”

“Zayn’s never got time on Saturday nights.” He always had something going on, and Liam had kinda forgotten what he was doing tonight, but he had told him a couple days ago, 100%. “I think he’s doing his online classes on weekends now.”

“Too bad.” Harry joked, but he probably took Liam’s answer as a yes to the whole idea. Which it kinda had been, because honestly, it couldn’t hurt, and it was probably for the best if Liam wasn’t alone.

The day was dragging on, it took them ages to get all the groceries, and then Harry made Liam drive to some other store and that took so damn long as well that Liam had to leave him alone once they got back home so he could go for a run to clear his head. Unsuccessfully.

By the time he got back, Harry was using his laptop to do whatever and it probably took another hour before they even got started with that recipe that consisted mainly of vegetables. Harry was a good cook, so he blamed Liam for letting the food burn a bit, and Liam honestly didn’t even care anymore. Besides, the crunch to it was kinda nice, even though the other man pretended to gag several times.

Harry left after they had cleaned up, telling Liam to call if he needed anything, and Liam told him the same. As soon as he was alone, the loneliness and the memories kinda hit him all at once and he was sure he would have already gone insane this morning had Harry not been there.

Too bad he still had 2 more days for that to happen.

\---------------

_Liam kind of got used to Niall, a little bit at a time, but only after he finally stopped crying every single day. It was annoying, but also, there was nothing anyone could have done to help him anyways, they were in the same boat._

_“I don’t understand why we have to do this.” Niall and Liam were walking along the street, by themselves because none of the other kids really wanted Niall to come with them except Louis, but he was more and more being asked to go with the older ones. Sure, Niall made people feel bad for him because he was so little, but it was a dangerous game of someone calling the police when there was none of the adults with them._

_At times, Liam thought someone calling the police and taking them away would have been the best possible option. But then he remembered how the police had been involved when his parents had died, and now he was here. So would it really be better? What if he’d end up somewhere worse than this?_

_At least Niall was really good at shop lifting, he looked cute and he was small. He just couldn’t carry a lot._

_“So we get something to eat. We have to earn it.” Liam explained, probably the 100th time. Niall always asked so many questions. At times, it didn’t seem like he was only 4, but Liam also felt a lot older than 9 himself. The circumstances made it necessary._

_“Did you have to do that when you were still with your mommy and daddy?” The younger boy asked, and Liam went quiet. They were on their way back, the sun was setting, but they were taking their time on purpose. What was there to come back to anyways?_

_“No.” He told him truthfully after a moment, trying not to think about it. “Did you?”_

_Niall simply shrugged at that, stretching out his arm as they walked past a few bushes so he could let his fingers touch the leaves. “Sometimes mommy made me steal. But not always. And I had a real bed.”_

_“Me too… “ A bed and a lot of other things. “Why did she make you steal?”_

_“I don’t know. Sometimes she was really nice, and sometimes she was sleeping all day. She also hurt me sometimes.” Liam had already known that, and he thought that maybe Niall was adjusting easier because of that. It wasn’t a nice thought, but probably true. “… I still wish she would come and pick me up.”_

_“Yeah… “ She wouldn’t. No idea why she had brought Niall here, or what had happened to her, but that Liam was certain of that one thing._

_“Maybe if she comes, she can take you too. And then we can always play together and not walk all day.” Liam was 100% sure he would have not wanted that, but he stayed quiet. “Then we could be like brothers. I always wanted a big brother.”_

_“I’m not ever gonna be your brother.” Just so he knew, because… Liam didn’t care for any of the other kids that much either. Maybe Louis, but… that was different._

_“But can we be friends? I never had a friend.” Niall told him in his baby-voice and with his lisp, and when Liam looked at him, wanting to say no, he saw the younger boy’s face, the hopefulness, and he just… couldn’t._

_“I guess.”_

\--------------------

The dream wouldn’t leave Liam all morning before he went to work, mostly because it hadn’t just been that. It had been a memory, and it had happened so clearly in his sleep that he could have sworn it had only been yesterday.

The past two days he had tried to distract himself any way possible. He had gone on more runs, had made an effort to call some people, he had gone out to lunch with Zayn and gotten some work done he really would have not needed to do.

It had worked a little bit, until that dream, and it wasn’t helping that he had to go back to that very university right after, always with that paranoia now of randomly seeing Niall again.

How was he ever going to forget about it while working there? And deal with the fact that he would never get closure?

“Mr. Payne!” Liam was walking across one of the hallways in his lunch-break, lost in thoughts when he heard someone calling out for him. At first he thought it was probably one of the students he was counselling, but it seemed to be a professor.

“Um, hello.” Liam smiled, no idea whatsoever who this man was. The campus was big, no one could blame him. “Can I help you?”

“Yes, actually. But if you have to be somewhere it can wait.” The man told him immediately. He was maybe 10 years older than Liam, but it was hard to say. 

“I’ve got time.” Liam hated lunchbreaks, there was never enough time to really do anything anyways. And especially today, he didn’t even WANT any time for himself, he would preferred one appointment after the other.

“Great, I just… “ He started, clearing his throat and throwing a look over his shoulder. “I was wondering if you had a chance to speak to one of my students. Mr. Horan. We talked about it via email.”

“Ah.” Of course. “I’m sorry, I can’t tell you anything, it’s confidential.”

“So he came to see you?” It sounded very surprised. Well, judging by what had happened… 

“I really can’t say anything.” Liam insisted. If Niall found out, he would probably not hesitate to take this higher up and get Liam in trouble for literally breaking the law. “I’m sorry.”

“No, no, it’s fine. I understand. Only reason I asked was because he wrote me an email this morning saying he would not attend my class anymore and that one of my colleagues holding a parallel course offered to let him switch.” So he thought Liam had talked him into that? 

“I… I don’t know what to say.” Liam admitted, not because he thought it was so surprising, Niall seemed to be very impulsive from what he had gathered, but rather because he COULDN’T say anything. 

“You don’t have to, I completely understand. But I do care about my students, and whether you had a chance to talk to him already or not… I was hoping you would stay on the case either way. There have been a lot of incidents leading up to this situation, I’ve also spoken to his past professors and other students and… it would be a pity if we all just looked away if someone needed help.” Great. “Sadly, I can’t really do anything, but you as the student counsellor… “

“Thank you for telling me.” Liam wished he hadn’t. “I will see what I can do to help.”

They exchanged a few more words before each of them went their ways and Liam walked straight back to his office though his break wasn’t over for another half an hour. Screw that.

What the hell was he supposed to do now? He did not know Niall, that was the truth, but he had known him, a long time ago, he had spent years hoping, praying, he was okay, and even more years thinking the younger boy was probably dead. Now he knew that he was not.

Now he knew that Niall had had the shittiest life since the last time they had seen each other, and if anyone was to blame for it and for how things had gone down… it was Liam himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello :)
> 
> i hope i scared no one off with the tags for this fic, i just really dont wanna trigger people! i will keep adding tags where i see necessary as well as put warnings before each chapter if needed (but i doubt it, possibly a few times).
> 
> i hope you liked the chapter! it took me a while to write it because i wrote about half of it and then changed my mind and had to wait 2 weeks to write the other half haha! ive had this idea about them being homeless as children for years, but i never wanted to write an entire fic/oneshot on just that so finally i have come up with a solution to this problem :p i hope there will be many surprises and turns! after being 1.5 semesters away from being a psychologist myself i have finally been brave enough to do what i always wanted and make liam a psychologist lmao. but dont come for me if things seem off please, to be able to do what he is doing in this fic ill have to add another year after i finish my degree
> 
> i really enjoy flashbacks in books and funnily enough i just started reading a new book that contains exactly that as well so i saw it as a sign haha! so this fic also almost became a science fiction fic but i decided to save that for a later time :p
> 
> i would love to hear your thoughts!!! hope you will have a great week <3


	2. Chapter 2

It was really affecting Liam’s concentration for the rest of the day. He was hoping none of the students he spoke to after his lunch break took any notice of that, but luckily most of them were happy with him just listening and not really talking a lot himself.

Afterwards though, when he was writing reports and protocols, he could barely concentrate for a full minute without his thoughts already drifting off again.

Eventually, Liam found himself leaning back into his chair, taking a deep breath as he stared at the clock on the opposite wall, being able to hear the faint noise it was making as the seconds were passing by.

He only had 2 options.

One, he did nothing at all. Which would have been appropriate, although maybe not ethical. Then again, that question of ethics really only applied to what he himself made of it. Would he have cared had this been a random student, one of those who would sometimes come in with obvious issues only to storm out and claim Liam was an idiot who couldn’t help them? He had never run after one of those, because that wasn’t his job, that was out of his power. He wasn’t getting paid to offer therapy to the entire university, or to _convince_ them all to come have regular meetings with him. It was merely an offer and it didn’t work for everyone. Liam had to accept that he could not save the entire world… not that he thought he could have, but many times he had thought he had to.

Two, he’d try to talk to Niall again. Either with the excuse of having this professor all worried about him, or the truth, that Liam was worried himself, that he was sorry, that he… yeah, what? He couldn’t change the past, he couldn’t actually do anything at all. Which posed yet another question… did he really wanna help Niall, or did he just wanna help himself? Liam was afraid it was the second.

Clearly, there was one option that made more sense, that would have been professional and possibly what the university would have expected him to do. Sadly, it was not the option that, deep down, Liam knew he’d choose in the end, even if he was trying his hardest to talk himself out of it.

What if he only gave it one more shot? Just ONE? And then if that didn’t work… at least he could say he had tried, right? 

Again, it sounded an awful lot as if Liam was only trying to make himself feel better in whatever way possible, but he really did not want to deal with his moral conflict that would surely come sooner or later if he didn’t do anything. After all, a professor working here had asked him to keep an eye on one of his students, Liam had promised he would see what he could do to help, surely doing NOTHING was not the right answer.

… Right?

It was almost too easy to tell himself that.

Liam immediately found the e-mail that professor had written him a while ago to be able to search up his name at the university website, find the classes he was teaching and match it with the curriculum for what Niall was studying in his second to last semester. Then he basically only had to find that one parallel course and… done. 

Sure, Liam could have found out which other classes Niall was probably taking, but he wasn’t that desperate, he wouldn’t lurk around, he would only do what he had been asked to do.

And apparently, that was _accidentally_ hanging around outside a specific classroom at a specific time in two days and clearing his appointments to make sure he actually had time before and after.

Pathetic. And yet Liam felt relieved.

\----------------------------

_Harry 13:40  
My mom wants to know if youre gonna spend Christmas with us. No rush tho, I told her you will probably think about it for at least 3 weeks and change your mind 12 times_

Liam could almost HEAR the sarcasm as he read the text message, doing exactly what his cousin had probably expected of him. Which was pocketing his phone again and trying not to think about any of it. 

It was strange, thinking about how complicated a family situation could be, when Liam’s actual family wasn’t even alive anymore. Maybe some distant relatives he had never met, that he would never even find out or care about. Not that any of it mattered, he did have a family now, the one he had been adopted into, and what had been left of his childhood after everything, he had loved every minute of it.

Even at age 29 though, there were times Liam thought about whether his adoption had caused the divorce, whether it had just put too much strain on the marriage. It was just another thing he could now add onto the pile of things he had possibly, though unknowingly, messed up. Two more people on the list whose lives had gone to shit for Liam’s to be good.

It really was not fair, was it? Niall had been right, and he didn’t even know any of these things.

At least Harry’s message had distracted Liam for 5 minutes, or maybe the class ended early, because before Liam knew it, he heard the students inside knocking on their desks and then the door flew open a second later as they all walked out.

There was not a lot of time to think about what he would do if Niall had skipped this class, or if he had been wrong, or what he would say or do or how he would approach him, because in reality, nothing went like Liam had planned.

Niall was somewhere in between all the other students, and right when Liam thought maybe this was a shit idea, their eyes met. He could tell Niall needed a second to recognize him, and then his face went hard, harder than it had already been.

And he simply kept walking.

“Niall.” Liam tried not to draw any attention on himself or Niall as he followed him without thinking. 

This was so stupid, why was he doing this? Right, because he was selfish. 

“I’m in a hurry.” The boy told him straight out, his walk fast, long having left behind his classmates. Then again, they had all walked off into different directions anyways and there were lots of people in the hallways at this time of day.

“I just wanna-“

“I don’t care. Seriously. I don’t. Goodbye.” Jesus Christ.

Niall tried to walk even faster, and Liam didn’t know what to do, and he must have lost his mind as he reached out, possibly about to risk causing an actual scene as he was about to stop Niall by grabbing his arm.

Luckily, the universe seemed to know it would have been the worst idea possible, and before Liam ever touched the other boy, Niall collided with a stranger that sent him straight to the floor. 

“Dude, watch out! Idiot.” The other guy kept walking, seemingly in a rush as well, not even offering his hand, but Liam didn’t spend any time remembering his face. 

This whole situation was just way too strange, there were people staring before they slowly kept walking and Liam himself almost felt embarrassed. He knew he had caused this.

“You okay?” Liam asked, offering his hand as he looked at Niall rubbing the side of his head, his face bright red as he got up with no help. Of course. “Niall-“

“Just _stop_. Okay? Stop.” Apparently Niall wasn’t in a rush anymore.

After he had gotten up, he had walked maybe two steps before spinning around, almost colliding with Liam this time, but he quickly stepped back, possibly even more blushed this time. All Liam cared about right now was the fact that they could at least look at each other for a moment.

“I don’t wanna talk to you, so stop stalking me or I’ll report you.” He crossed his arms in front of his chest, and just for the split of a second, Liam was amused.

That quickly passed.

“I’m not stalking you, your professor is still worried about you and asked me to talk to you. I am simply doing my job.” Well… at least Liam’s interpretation of it. 

“He’s not my professor anymore. As you probably know because you also seem to know where and when my classes take place.” Fair enough. “I’ll just report both of you then, that’s invasion of privacy and you are not allowed to tell my professor that I was at your off-“

“I didn’t tell him a single word. In fact, he probably thinks you bailed on the appointment. I just came to offer my help again, and to let you know that your _old_ professor is still worried about you. Here’s my card.” Surely there had been 100 better ways to do this, less professional ways, and Liam should have known and maybe he did, but deep down, he also knew none of that would have mattered and Niall would have not given in either way. “If you need anything at all. Even just a chat.”

Niall stared at him, his face a mixture of disbelief and anger and Liam took the time to study him, unconsciously making out the things that had stayed the same, the things he could remember. Most of it he had probably forgotten and only thought he recognized because his mind was playing tricks on him.

He was still holding his card towards Niall, and maybe only a second or two passed, but it felt a lot longer before Niall took the card, and before Liam could feel relief, he scrunched it up in his fist, tossing it in the bin next to them.

“Fuck you.”

This time, Liam did not try to walk after Niall, he was a little bit shocked as he stared after the boy before he turned a corner, a weird feeling settling in the depth of his stomach.

It wasn’t sadness or anger it was just… helplessness. Desperation. Guilt. And all of that got multiplied if Liam thought about how much their meeting had affected Niall in a negative way as well, how much it must have all been eating at him for him to react this way.

Liam went back to his office wondering at what exact moment and age Niall had gone from missing to hating him.

\----------------------

“… it’s not that I don’t wanna come.” Liam told Harry as he stirred in the pot, staring at his sad looking rice inside. He hated leftover food-day.

“Let me guess… it’s just that you really don’t wanna come?” Harry joked, and maybe he was right.

“No.” Liam insisted, turning back the heat before switching his phone from one ear to the other. Why had he even answered the call? “I gotta talk to my parents first.”

“Your mom is invited as well.” Of course, because she was Harry’s aunt, but they both knew she wouldn’t come. 

“She won’t come. She’s gonna work all the holiday shifts again.” The whole family knew it. She was a surgeon, and she was really passionate for her job, but Liam knew it was still only an excuse. Each and every time. “And my dad… I mean. I still gotta at least ask him what he’s got planned, I can’t just decide on my own. Same as my mom.”

“Liam.” Harry just said it, and Liam knew what would follow before he spoke up. “Just say yes. You can still talk to your parents and cancel if necessary, but-“

“But what? Why’s it matter right now? It’s November, Haz. November. I don’t even care about Christmas, I- Shit.” Liam had burned himself in the process of getting upset and it only made him even more upset. God damn it, this day had been a nightmare.

First Niall, then TWO bad conversations with some students, now Harry. Could Liam just live his life in peace?

“What now?” Harry asked, and the tone of his voice pissed Liam off even more, as if he wasn’t taking him serious at all. He probably wasn’t.

“Nothing. My food is ready, I gotta go.” Liam hung up before there was an answer, he knew it was childish and he knew about all the jokes that would follow about him not being able to have serious conversations and discussions though he was supposed to be _so good at talking to and reading other people_.

It was number three of things Liam was sick of hearing. Right after the question _So since you’re a psychologist… are you analyzing everything I say?_ and _I can’t tell you that, you’re just gonna try to diagnose me_. 

Harry knew it, so he’d say it to get on Liam’s nerves of course. 

As expected, Liam’s phone lit up a few minutes later as he was trying to save his half burnt rice. He almost did not look because he was still pissed off at the world, but when he did, he noticed that it wasn’t actually from Harry. He had probably realized there was no use talking to Liam tonight.

_Zayn 19:56  
U doing anything tonight?_

Ten minutes later, Liam had thrown away his burnt rice and gotten into his car, ignoring the fact that he had wanted to make it an early night in. It wouldn’t have helped him solve his problems anyways.

\-----------------------

“Do you have tomorrow off?” Zayn asked casually in-between bites. Some takeaway box he was freezing his ass off eating wasn’t Liam’s ideal dinner, but it was probably better than what he would have eaten otherwise, so there was that.

“No? It’s Thursday.” Liam reminded his friend, but Zayn only shrugged as they were walking down the street. “Do YOU have tomorrow off?”

“Yeah. I’m taking a creative break.” He explained, but then he grinned as their eyes met. “What?”

“Nothing. Sometimes I forget we’re living on the same planet.” It was true, and Liam didn’t mean this in a bad way at all, it’s just… his life seemed to be so different, both from Zayn’s but also Harry’s, and sometimes he felt as if he was still struggling to actually find his place.

He liked his job, he wanted to help people and he couldn’t imagine himself doing anything else, but moments like these, Liam still questioned everything. 

He knew where it had come from this time at least.

“Me too, because I still don’t know how you can stand to work 8 hours a day without losing your mind.” The he laughed, and Liam grimaced.

“I don’t exactly have a choice.” Well, he did, of course. Liam knew he was luckier than a LOT of people, especially considering where he had come from, but he was still allowed to envy Zayn once a while, right? “I like my job. I won’t stay there forever, it’s just… I like it for now.”

“Well, that’s something.” It didn’t sound very convincing, and Liam had to keep himself from getting angry with Zayn just like he had with Harry. Could anybody take him serious for once? 

“How are your classes going?” Liam decided to switch the topic, throwing away his half empty box as they passed a trash can. It was really cold outside, and he didn’t know why he had agreed to going on a walk right now, he should have known it wouldn’t end well when Zayn had told him he wanted _breakfast_. At 8 in the evening, on a Thursday.

“Really good, actually. I never thought anyone would even sign up, but now I’ve got two groups and they’re all really nice.” Zayn was holding art classes online, and Liam wasn’t 100% sure what that included, but he had lost track of all the things his friends was up to. He had studied graphic design and art, both of which were his biggest hobbies, and he was doing lots of freelance work for companies as well as doing some Youtube or Instagram or whatever. And now, apparently, also online classes. And all of it was going brilliantly, meaning he was easily living off of it. “I’ll send you the link if you wanna join sometime.”

“I’ll think about it.” Both of them knew it meant no. Not because Liam didn’t care, he actually enjoyed drawing and other creative things like writing, but it was just for him, to clear his head and stuff. “You know, when you say it like that it doesn’t sound like you’re doing art classes. It sounds really wrong, actually.”

“I’ll only start stripping in front of the camera if everything else fails, sorry to disappoint.” Zayn laughed and Liam grinned, pretending to be upset about it. He had really just wanted to switch the topic again.

They talked about some other things, not work-related anymore because it was too exhausting and also kind of depressing to Liam right now. Luckily, Zayn was better at recognizing when to stop compared to Harry, which was not necessarily a good or bad thing though. Sometimes, Liam needed a kick in the butt from his cousin, or for him to keep asking and asking until Liam talked. Sometimes, Liam needed some peace and quiet.

“What’re you doing for Christmas?” Liam didn’t know why he asked, why he was bringing this upon himself, but it was too late.

“Going to see the fam, most likely. Maybe I’ll go skiing for a few days, not sure.” Zayn shrugged, kicking some small stones on the ground. “You?”

“I don’t know.” Well, he DID know, he just wasn’t sure if he wanted it. And he also wasn’t sure why he suddenly felt the need to vent to Zayn. “Harry’s been trying to get me to agree to spend it with him at his parents’ house and his sister’s family.”

“Again?” Again. 

“It was nice the past few times… “ Had it been though? Sometimes Liam wasn’t sure. “I have to talk to my parents first though.”

“What are they doing? Like, in general?” Good question.

“My mother’s working 24/7, my dad is… I don’t know. Raising kids?” After the divorce, Liam’s father had gotten re-married, and had had two kids. Liam had met them, but they were only 3 and 5 now, and it was a weird situation in general.

“How often do you talk to them?” Zayn asked after a moment, and Liam simply shrugged.

“Once every two weeks? Sometimes my mom calls a few days in a row.” Usually whenever she had a few days off, when she didn’t know what to do with her time because work was her entire life.

There was silence between them, and there were a few things Liam could have said, but then he didn’t. It had been this way for longer than Liam had even spent living with them, almost 10 years, and he was a grown adult, and really, none of this should have affected him that much anymore. It wasn’t, most of the time, but then there were these moments… 

“You know what’s really weird?” Liam couldn’t stop himself.

“What?” His friend asked, his voice sounding curious though Liam knew he was trying to make it seem casual.

It took a moment until Liam was ready to say it, partly because he felt guilty, partly because he was actually surprised by it himself. “I keep asking myself if they only keep in touch because they think they have to. Like, they adopted me because they felt bad and because my mom can’t have her own kids, but maybe I actually destroyed their marriage and now I’m in this weird situation where I kinda have a family, I kinda don’t, and my cousin, who is not actually my cousin, keeps asking me to come to family gatherings of a family that actually has zero contact with the two people who brought me into this family, because everyone already knows that they don’t wanna even celebrate Christmas with me, it’s like, a given by now. So he thinks it’s ridiculous that I would even ask them and make a fool of myself, he’s not saying it but… everyone’s thinking it. And maybe THEY are also only asking me because they feel bad.”

“Liam… “ Clearly, this was not what Zayn had been expecting to discuss, but Liam wasn’t sure what he HAD expected. “I can promise you Harry doesn’t just feel bad, you two are like joined by the hip sometimes, he would want you to come even if he knew you were spending the day with your parents. And you didn’t destroy your parents’ marriage. They adopted YOU, you were a child then. And they never had problems when you were younger, did they? They had a good marriage.”

“No, but like… it had to have been building up, right? Who gets a random call from their mother asking how it’s going at uni and oh, by the way, she’s getting a divorce from my father?” Liam had, when he had been 20 living in one of the dorms at his old university, and needless to say… it had taken a toll on him. Though he kinda didn’t even know why.

“I don’t know, Li. Some situations are just… you can’t control these things. And I can guarantee you it had nothing to do with you, this IS your family, it always will be, and if they didn’t wanna keep in touch, they wouldn’t, simple as that. They love you, you’re their son.” Was he, though? “Also, can Harry be any more insensitive, or…?”

“He’s not insensitive.” Liam defended his cousin, still regretting the day he had introduced the two of them. They had clashed so much that Liam had afterwards wondered how he could get along with two people so different. “He just… he means well.”

“Doesn’t really matter what he means if he can’t communicate it, does it? He doesn’t know when to be serious and when to shut up.” Okay, okay, this was not the kinda conversation Liam was looking to have. “Is he like that with his clients too?”

“I don’t know what he’s like with his clients.” Harry was working at a law firm, the youngest lawyer they had ever had there, apparently. It was just another thing him and Zayn had fought about, they were both very career-driven, but with completely different directions and approaches. “It’s not about him.”

“I know, sorry.” Zayn cleared his throat, and Liam knew he had had more to say but was trying hard to keep it down. “Where’s all this coming from though? Did anything happen?”

At first, Liam wanted to say no, then he wanted to suddenly explain it all in so much depth like he hadn’t even told Harry, then he didn’t know anymore what he wanted, and then… the decision seemed to have been taken from him.

They had been walking through the park and then kinda towards the city center, a big circle back into the direction of where they had parked their cars. It wasn’t that late, maybe 9 or something, and there were lots of people still outside even though it was cold, but not as cold as it usually was at this time of year anyway.

There was a nightclub on the other side of the street, Liam had never been there, but he knew it was popular among the students. How many more times would he have to hear about somebody getting his heart broken there or getting talked into doing drugs or drinking too much, he would have paid to find out. 

The streets were well-lit, and Liam was only looking over at the other side when they had almost passed it. There were a few groups of people standing outside, talking, smoking not only cigarettes judging by the smell, and honestly, Liam wanted to walk faster. Until he didn’t.

He knew he had seen Niall long after the boy had already seen him because when their eyes finally did meet, Niall looked away quickly, turning his head as if he was hoping to hide. There were a few more guys with him, one of them said something to him and Liam didn’t have a lot of time to watch it all go down, because it happened in the matter of a few seconds, all while Zayn was waiting for an answer.

“Do you know them?” The other man asked, and Liam was about to say no, because he couldn’t possibly get into this now, but then…

One of the people with Niall looked strangely familiar, more familiar than Niall himself, and Liam couldn’t help it, he just couldn’t help it when he froze on the spot as he watched Niall whispering to that man, right before his head snapped around and he stared at Liam, Niall pulling on his arm, looking distressed, as if he was trying to get him to stop.

_Louis_.

“Hello? Liam?” Zayn waved a hand in front of his face and Liam weakly pushed him away, his mouth feeling dry. No way. Just… no.

It all went very fast, Liam looked from Niall to Louis and back, then at their friends or whoever these people were, all of them holding a bottle of beer or a glass from inside, one of them a joint. Liam was not the type of person to judge people based on their appearance, he never had been, but he knew what Niall had told him, he knew what this professor had told him, and he had once known Louis better than any person on this planet.

It didn’t take a genius to put two and two together.

“We should go.” Liam told Zayn, already walking because he KNEW Louis would cross the street if he didn’t keep walking. 

“Who are these junkies?” Zayn asked, and the word gave Liam a sting. _The people I grew up with_. “Liam, what the-“

“Hey, Liam!” Someone yelled from behind, and Liam didn’t have to turn around to know who it was. Definitely not Niall. 

“Why does he know-“

“Just keep walking.” Liam pulled Zayn along by his sleeve, his heart bumping way too fast right now. 

“Are you too good to talk to me now? Your job paying too well?” Louis was laughing, and some of the other guys were too. Somewhere in the middle of it, Liam could hear Niall asking him to stop. “Stay the fuck away from Niall, you hear me? Play shrink with someone else!”

“Who is Niall?” Zayn was walking with Liam, but he kept turning around and Liam couldn’t stop him, but he really wished he wouldn’t have. “How do you know these people? That guy looks like he wants to kill you, by the way.”

“Don’t look at him, I’ll explain it later.” Liam gave back, they were almost out of sight now, but he could still hear them faintly laughing now. 

Right before they were about to turn a corner, Liam couldn’t himself but to throw one last glance over his shoulder. What he saw was more disturbing than what he would have expected, and it didn’t even have anything to do with Louis or the fact that he was very obviously making fun of Liam still to get his friends to laugh.

It was rather seeing Niall with one of the guys they were with, a man obviously a lot older than him, the one who had been smoking the joint, pulling him in close until he was all up in his space. Niall was obviously pissed off, probably at Louis, and he was pushing the other man off and the last thing Liam saw was them sharing a brief, very one-sided kiss. 

If he had thought this situation was bad, it had just gotten 1 million times worse.

“Okay, who the FUCK was that guy? What kinda people do you know, Li?! I thought you said you never go to any clubs? PLEASE tell me you’re not taking any drugs. And I thought Harry is the weirdest person in your life, but he’s actually normal compared to- wait, they’re not HIS friends, right? They-“

“This has nothing to do with Harry.” Liam cut Zayn off before he sighed, having to stop walking so he could rub his hands over his face. Fuck. “I don’t know that guy, I- I used to.”

“From where would you know people like that?!” Right after, Liam could already see realization as well as guilt crossing his friend’s face. “Oh, I… I didn’t know that… that you still talked to anyone from-“

“I don’t. It’s… a long story.” Or actually not, Liam just didn’t wanna tell him, but looking at Zayn’s face, he knew he didn’t have a choice. God damn it.

They kept walking upon Liam’s request while he gave Zayn a rundown of how he had recognized Niall at his office, their conversation today and the fact that he had not seen any of them in bloody years. Why was it happening now? And like this?!

“So? Why are they so pissed off? This makes no sense to me. Shouldn’t they be happy to see you again? And even if they’re not… why care so much? Is he jealous you got a degree after everything? But this Niall is also going to uni, so why does it matter? I genuinely don’t get it.” Zayn sounded more confused than before, and it made Liam regret having said anything at all.

Liam had not told Zayn any details, he had not told him that Louis used to be his best and only friend and that Niall… 

Niall had been his everything.

\----------------------------

_Weeks passed, and then it had probably been months, and Liam didn’t know when it had happened, but he woke up one morning and he was looking forward to spending the day with Niall._

_Before, he had been very focused on himself, had only gotten along with Louis and just been trying to be more like him so he could prove that he wasn’t a baby, that he could be trusted and be praised for his hard work. Because even though Liam hated it here, he also knew there was no way out and it was easier when he did what he was told._

_Now, Liam had Niall following his every step, wanting to do everything that he was doing. They were together all day and night, because Liam had been made responsible for him after all, and if anyone besides Louis would have asked, Liam would have said he hated it, but he really did not on the inside. He liked having Niall looking up to him, liked having somebody who actually liked him in return._

_“One, two… three.” Niall was counting the cars passing them by and Liam could tell it was getting on Louis’ nerves, but he himself didn’t mind it. Actually, it made him a little bit proud, he had practiced counting with Niall the past few days. “Four… five… seven… ei-“_

_“You missed a number.” The oldest boy told him without turning around. He was walking in front of them._

_“… what number?” Niall asked after a moment, looking up at Liam, who was holding his hand. At first, he had tried to tell Niall not to touch him, but he had quickly come to realize there was no use. He was a little boy, he wanted to hold hands and cuddle and Liam couldn’t tell him no because he had done that with his mom when she… when she had still been alive. Niall didn’t have a mom or dad here, Liam was the only one responsible for him now._

_“Six.” Liam whispered so Louis wouldn’t hear, but he probably did anyways._

_“Oh, I know! Six.” Niall announced loudly, and proudly, as if he had thought of it himself before continuing to count the cars and Louis threw an annoyed look at Liam over his shoulder without saying anything. Liam only shrugged as he smiled at his friend._

_It was nice when it was the three of them, Louis taking the lead. They got more money and things when he was with them, and they also got more praise when they got back because Louis was one of the boss’ favorites. Not only for that reason though, but Liam also liked being away the whole day, liked the things they talked about and to spend time with the only two people on this earth that he cared about._

_At first, he had thought Louis hated spending time with the two of them and not the older kids, but a couple days ago, he had realized it was Louis himself asking to be paired with them and no one else. It had made Liam happier than he would have thought._

_“Niall?” Louis asked hours later, as they were taking a break by the river on the small stone bank where no one was actually supposed to go, eating whatever they knew no one would notice later. “Do you know how to read?”_

_“No. My mommy said I will learn that when I’m in school.” Niall explained, his face full of chocolate. “I really wanna go to school.”_

_“School sucks.” Louis shrugged, and Liam glared at him. “What? It’s true. Now we’re free, we can do whatever we want all day.”_

_“No, we can’t. We can’t even keep the things people give us and we have to steal.” Liam argued. It was one thing where his opinions clashed heavily with Louis’._

_“Are we not eating chocolate donuts right now? And did we not go wherever we wanted today? And we’ve got a safe place to go back to, where we can sleep and get food. You couldn’t do any of that if you had to go to school, neither of you would even be allowed to go anywhere by yourselves.” He shrugged, eating another donut, and Niall had fallen quiet, listening intently._

_“I’d rather have a real home, and parents. And go to school. I liked school… “ Liam mumbled, not wanting to argue though. He knew it was different for Louis, he knew he had never had parents, or a real home._

_And when he was looking at Niall, when he thought about how his mother had hurt him… maybe, just maybe, his life was actually better now, whether he knew it or not._

_“Look, the adults are doing the same as us, right? They also work for somebody else who then gives them money so they can eat food and survive. We’re just skipping the money part and we don’t even have to work all day for food or for a place to sleep at, we can just sit here and look at the water, we could have it so much worse, Liam. We have each other and we’ll be fine, we don’t need school, or parents. One day we’ll be old enough and maybe we’ll be in charge then, we can ban all the punishments and give everyone enough food and warmer blankets and stuff, it’ll be great, just wait.” But for how long?_

_There was no argument smart enough in Liam’s mind so he didn’t say anything, just thought about what his friend had said. Louis was right, a little bit, but Liam still knew that life could have been so much better than this and that he couldn’t blame his friend for never having known anything like that. He truly believed what he had said after all, he really meant it._

_“Niall.” Liam said instead as he noticed that the little boy had gotten up to put his hand into the water. “You can’t swim.”_

_“But look! Fishies!” Niall was well excited, trying to catch them with his bare hands as Louis just snorted at the sight._

_For a moment or two, Liam watched as well, then he suddenly got really scared when he saw water splashing up on the boy’s shoes and his pants. He quickly reached out to grab a hold of the back of Niall’s hoodie, pulling him back so he wouldn’t fall into the water. His clothes would have never dried in time, he would have gotten sick and they would have gotten punished for even going near the water._

_“Come here, Ni.” He tried to use a firmer voice, one that made Louis grin, but Liam didn’t care. “We can share another donut.”_

_The little boy let out a heavy sigh, but his face lightened up when Liam held his arms open after letting go of him so Niall could come sit on his lap. He liked cuddling so much, he’d always listen to Liam if that was the price and Liam knew it, so he made use of it. Truth was, he liked it too, he liked feeling like Niall’s older brother._

_Liam made sure to clean Niall’s face after they had finished the donuts and the boy almost fell asleep on him because they were all exhausted from today. Liam made sure to keep him awake though, they had to walk back a while later anyways because it was about to get dark and cold as well._

_“Li-Li, carry me? Pleeeease? I’m so sleepy.” When Niall was asking with his tired puppy eyes, Liam didn’t really have a choice._

_He was pretty sure Niall had fallen asleep just a few minutes later while Liam had trouble seeing over his shoulder, the boy’s arms around his neck, his legs around his waist and Liam was holding him as tightly as possible. Niall was really light, he was for sure underweight, but so was Liam, probably._

_“Don’t you like it a lot better here now that you have Niall to look after?” Louis asked quietly after a while, coming back to their conversation from earlier. “It’s giving you something to do, right? And you’re never alone.”_

_Liam took some time to answer._

_“I like Niall, but I don’t like it here.” He told his friend after a while, hugging the little boy clinging to him more tightly. His arms felt weak. “Do you really think we couldn’t have it a lot better elsewhere? With a family and stuff?”_

_“I know we could.” The older boy told him without hesitation, much to Liam’s surprise, but he quickly continued. “And I know a lot of kids do have it better, but it doesn’t change anything, does it? It could still be worse. Our parents won’t come back from the dead, or from whatever else in Niall’s case. Look at him. His mother was beating him, but no one’s laid a finger on him here and he’s got you now. He’s happy.”_

_“Because he doesn’t know better, he’s only four.” Liam argued, though part of it was true._

_“I didn’t know better when I came here as well. For me this was always more like a home than anything else before. I know it’s different for you, but… all of us are here now, we can’t change the past. And we’ll stick together, and you know I’d always have your back, Li. We might have lost our families, but… we are a family now, right?” The way he said it almost made Liam cry._

_“Yeah… “ He mumbled, swallowing around that tightness in his throat. “I’m scared that the boss will decide to have someone else watch Niall soon… maybe one of the adults or… or one of the older kids… “_

_“Then I’ll talk to him, don’t worry about it. I promise he won’t take him away, okay?” It was a relief to hear Louis say that, all genuine, and Liam felt himself relax a bit when the older boy put an arm around his shoulders for a moment._

_They really did make a great team. And maybe in a few years Liam would have gotten used to all of this, and Louis could be right, they’d get more privileges as they’d get older, they could maybe even change things around here._

_Maybe Niall and Louis really were all the family Liam needed._

\--------------------------

“I can’t.” Liam finally told Zayn, blinking back his tears against the cold.

“You can’t what?” His friend seemed confused about the sudden turn this conversation had taken.

“I can’t tell you, because I… I can’t talk about it.” Not without crying, and Liam was already so damn close. This was ridiculous, it really was.

So many years had passed, a lot more than Liam had spent there, but he could remember certain things clear as day. He knew Louis did as well, he was older than him. And apparently, Niall did, too. There had been days where Liam had calmed himself with the thought that Niall had been too young, that he would forget him, even though the thought had hurt him at the same time.

Now he knew Niall did remember, but Liam didn’t know which parts. All he could be certain of was that Louis and Niall must have reconnected years ago, and that Louis’ life philosophies seemed to have not changed from back then. 

Had Louis ever even gotten to know a life away from all of this?

“But… but what happened?” This time, Zayn was the one who kept pushing, and Liam couldn’t even blame him for it. 

They were both silent for a moment, just kept walking in the dark, and Liam didn’t say another word. He was stuck in thoughts, replaying those images in his head over and over again, of Niall and this guy, of Louis’ face, the words he had said, what he knew about Niall’s life after their ways had parted so many years ago… 

“Liam?” Zayn interrupted and Liam didn’t react, so the other man grabbed him by his arm, forcing him to stop walking. “How did you get away?”

“What?” Liam blinked a few times, confused at the question because he had been stuck in his own thoughts.

“How’d you get away from that place? When you were a child?” Oh. “You never told me.”

“I told you, the police got involved at some point and-“

“But how? They just randomly railed the place?” If only.

“No.” Liam admitted after a moment of hesitation. “They would have never found it, they… they didn’t care enough either way. And the person running it all, he… he had too many connections higher up. He was some rich guy, he probably had the police in on it the entire time for all I know.”

“So then how did the police get involved?” It hadn’t, but what had Liam been supposed to say?

“Why does it matter?” Seriously.

“Why won’t you tell me? Why is it a secret?” It wasn’t, actually, it would have been an easy story to tell how he himself had gotten away.

But if Liam told it, he would be leaving out a hundred details, and if he said it out loud, it would make it all real and Zayn would keep asking and asking and eventually, he’d know the whole story. But Liam had never told anybody, not about Niall or about Louis or about how it had all fallen apart. Well, not all of it, only the three of them.

“It’s not a secret.” But it was, somehow, quite obviously so. “I just don’t wanna talk about it, Z. It’s in the past, I was only a child, I don’t even remember it all in detail anyways.”

“But you remember that guy from before? And Niall?” Hearing the name out of somebody else’s mouth gave Liam chills. He tried to ignore it.

“We used to be friends. Obviously they hate me because I was adopted into a rich family that gave me private schooling and got me into university to get a good job. And, yes, I know Niall is at university, but he did tell me he was shipped from one foster family to the next and he very obviously does not have the best life even now. And I don’t know about Louis, I literally just saw him again for the first time, for all I know he could still be homeless. So it makes sense they’re not thrilled for me or want me to get up in their business rubbing my degree in their faces trying to help. Happy now?” Liam pulled his arm away as he snapped, at least that made Zayn shut up.

“Sorry, I… I didn’t wanna be so pushy, I just-“

“Let’s just forget about it, I’m really cold. And I gotta get up early tomorrow.” And that was how Liam ended the whole conversation.

They talked about unimportant things on the way back, and Zayn had to do most of the talking, which he wasn’t really used to, but Liam didn’t care.

Tonight could have not possibly gotten any worse, but at least Liam had his answer now. Option one would have obviously been the better choice.

\-------------------------

Zayn knew better than to bring it up again, and he left Liam alone the next day, as well as over the weekend. He did text him once to apologize and offer an open ear, but Liam simply told him thank you, never taking up the offer.

He also made up with Harry and told him he’d be happy to come spend Christmas with him and his parents and sister and whoever else, just to be done with it. Who was Liam kidding anyways? His father would be celebrating with his actual children and wife, his mother would be working, and the last time Liam had spent Christmas by himself in his apartment, he had gone to sleep at 8 in the evening and forgotten to eat. He certainly was not the best psychologist, but it wouldn’t have taken one to know that that behavior and his thoughts were not normal, neither were they encouraging a healthy lifestyle or mindset. 

Even with that knowledge, Liam still spent the whole weekend not speaking to a single soul, not even anyone at the store because he chose self-check-out. At least he got to finish a book he had had lying around for months, and watch about 1/4 of some movie he had planned on watching for ages before growing terribly bored of it. 

On Monday, it felt as if though the weekend had never even happened. Sadly, Liam didn’t feel the same way about Thursday night.

“Morning.” One of Liam’s colleagues greeted him as he entered the small room they could use to take breaks in or talk, but he usually avoided it at every cost. He had his own office, why would he wanna sit there, crammed in with everyone else?

“Morning.” Liam tried to smile, instantly regretting the fact that he had still not gotten a coffee machine for his own office and had to come here sometimes. That or the university cafeteria, but right now, he was trying to avoid unnecessary student contact or run-ins. “How was your weekend?”

“Great, thanks. Yours?” So of course Liam made up some lies as he waited for the coffee machine to get going, praying for it to hurry. Of course it didn’t. Before he left the room for good, making a mental note of not coming back for at least another month, his colleague asked a weird question, half amused. “Hey, by the way, did you have a fight with one of the students or something?”

“What?” Immediately, Liam’s palms felt sweaty and his heart was speeding up. Had Niall seriously tried to report him?!

“Ah, you’ll see when you get to your office.” His colleague laughed it off, making some throw-away motion, and Liam left the room immediately.

He was expecting to find anything, a broken lock, a hate note, a warning from his boss, writing across his door, hidden drugs in his office. It never crossed his mind that it could have NOT been negative.

There was a neon-yellow post-it on Liam’s door, three words written across it.

_Sorry for Thursday_

In the corner, Niall had scribbled an _N_ , as if Liam could have ever not known it was him who had written the note. He must have gotten here early to put it there, maybe he had a morning class or- it didn’t matter. 

The note almost made him laugh, but in a sad way. His stomach was again twisting with the memories of Thursday, and the two times he had talked to Niall. The boy was clarifying he was only sorry for Thursday, nothing else, which did amuse Liam, but to a very small degree in the light of everything else that had happened.

Niall was in trouble, that was the bottom line to all of it. And maybe he knew it himself, maybe he didn’t, but Liam could tell from afar, even had had this professor confirming it to him multiple times. 

Suddenly, Liam didn’t feel selfish anymore for wanting to help, and he knew he would have not done this for any other student, pushed the boundaries of what he was actually allowed and expected to do at his job, but Niall wasn’t any other student. And this was definitely not just about Liam trying to make himself feel better.

There might have been a time where Liam would have trusted Louis with his entire life, where he had been his only friend, his big brother and the person he had looked up to the most. But simultaneously, there had been that time where Liam had been the same for Niall, on a much deeper level because of the age difference, and Liam had never forgotten the connection they had had. They had only been kids back then, but now Liam was a grown adult, and so was Louis, and Liam had no reason to look up to him anymore, and he knew Louis did not feel the same responsibility for him that Liam still felt for Niall. Probably never had. 

Now, Liam could see that Louis was in the wrong, that whatever it was that had happened in all those years, it had turned him into a person Liam would have never looked up to again. He was afraid though, that Niall could not see the same.

With that knowledge, Liam could not let Niall down. Not this time.

\-----------------------------

Liam didn’t just go into this head first, he let a few days pass, he knew he sometimes acted too impulsively on those kinda things. Niall’s note gave him some hope though, he wasn’t 100% sure what to make of it, or why Niall had written it, why he would even care or apologize, but matter of the fact was that he had.

And Liam was certain he would never tell Louis about it. If he had, the reaction would have not been great, judging by what had happened that Thursday night.

Liam’s fantasy was running wild for a bit, and he had to remind himself that Niall was capable of living his own life, that it wasn’t a quiet scream for help, that he would have certainly not come to Liam for that. He was a 24 year old student, certainly not a fully grown adult in Liam’s eyes considering the circumstances and their past, but of course an adult nevertheless. 

But there was still something there, and if it was just Liam checking in one more time, just to be sure, because he simply felt like he couldn’t let it slide, then maybe... Maybe he was too nosy, too caught up in the past, needing some distraction from his own troubles… but if he looked at the toy car in his drawer in the office, he just KNEW he had to try again.

So that was how Liam excused looking up all the potential classes Niall could have been taking, the times and days he was most likely to be at uni, or the cafeteria or one of the cafés around campus. Now Niall would have been right to accuse him of stalking at least.

The really sad part was, it got Liam really motivated, also during his conversation with the students he was seeing and talking to, and at least he was making up for those few times where his personal struggles had had an effect on his job. He had to keep it together at work, no matter what else was going on.

It took three tries and two days for him to find Niall again. To be fair, the university wasn’t super big, and the class he finally saw Niall walking out of was a mandatory one he had figured out the boy HAD to be taking that semester if he wasn’t taking any of the others. So it wasn’t a sign from the universe, it wasn’t even a lucky coincidence, it was just… pure stalking.

And yet Liam still almost chickened out.

“Hey… Niall.” Liam wasn´t as confident as last time, nor did he have the same goal. In all honesty, he wasn’t sure anymore what he thought would happen even though he had had a couple days to think about it. It was Friday now, over a week since they had seen each other last. 

Niall did seem to flinch, he stopped walking as he turned around, clearly not having expected Liam to be standing there as his classmates were walking past. He had walked out alone again, but so had a few others and it was a big class, so Liam didn’t wanna draw any conclusions.

This time, Niall didn’t storm off immediately, but he also did not look happy as he loosely crossed his arms in front of his chest. He seemed tired, his voice exhausted rather than mad. “What do you want this time?”

Liam thought of a whole bunch of things to say, but then he ended up saying what would have probably gotten him fired if anybody else had heard him. “I’m not leaving you alone until we talk.”

“Talk about what? That’s harassment, I’m a student, you’re an employee of the university.” Niall told him, but he sounded a lot weaker than last time. 

“It’s definitely not harassment. And I don’t care what we talk about, I’m leaving that up to you. All I know is your professor is worried about you.” Liam kept insisting, and when Niall rolled his eyes, he added something else, even though he kinda regretted it. “And so am I.”

“I told you I’m fine. It’s not my problem if you’re worried about me, there’s no reason to and we don’t even know each other. And I actually don’t really care what you think about me or my life, so I’m gonna go and-“

“So why did you apologize? If you don’t care what I think?” Probably not the right question to ask, Niall’s face immediately got harder as he clenched his jaw, but Liam had had to stop him from leaving somehow.

He stared at his feet, slowly unfolding his arms, then he shrugged. “Louis shouldn’t have said anything. If I hadn’t told him it was you… he wouldn’t have ever known what you look like. I told him about our conversation, and how we figured it out, and how you waited for me after that class, but… I told him not to get involved that night. So I was sorry that he was saying those things, it, um… was inappropriate.”

“I imagine Louis isn’t sorry?” Obviously.

“Why does that matter? I am. So I apologized.” Niall told him firmly, looking as if he would run away again a moment later. “I’m not sorry for anything else.”

“I figured.” Liam almost wanted to laugh, but he didn’t. Nothing was funny about any of this. “Those other guys you were with… are they all-“

“No. I don’t know what happened to anyone else… “ He shrugged a bit, then he rubbed his eye as if he was trying to stay awake. When they looked at each other again and Niall spoke, it was the first time Liam knew for certain that the younger boy was more hurt than angry. “I don’t even remember anyone else… I never cared for them.”

“I know… “ There was a knot in Liam’s throat again, harder to ignore, but he tried because he had to. He had to somehow get Niall to talk. “When… when did Louis find you?”

At first, Niall didn’t seem like he wanted to answer that question at all, but then he released a breath, seemingly giving up. The hallway had long emptied around them, it was late on a Friday, Liam was already off of work since an hour. “Like five years ago… He recognized me at some party and talked to a friend of mine and… and then he messaged me on Instagram.”

“What party?” Liam bit his tongue right after asking, but Niall only shrugged. Louis had had 5 less years to worry about what had happened to Niall, whether he was still alive, and he had probably never cared half as much as Liam. 

“A party. Why’s that matter?” It mattered in multiple ways, but if Liam told him, he knew Niall would be yelling at him any second. Why had they gone to the same parties, when Niall had been 19 and Louis had been 26?

“Just asking.” Liam lied, trying to keep his questions as innocent-sounding as possible. “Do you still get along well?”

“I mean, yeah. I used to live with him for a while.” Niall told him, and then he seemed to realize that this was turning into a Q&A and that he was being way too open about it all. “See, now we talked. I have to go.”

He turned around quickly, a lot more quickly than Liam would have thought, so he said the first thing on his mind that he knew would have stopped Niall, even if it was really unfair. “Did he introduce you to those people? That guy you kissed on Thursday?”

The younger boy tensed up immediately, freezing on the spot, and Liam knew he had crossed a line when Niall spun around, pure anger written across his face and his voice a lot louder than before. Somehow, Liam didn’t care, somehow it only confirmed what he had wanted to know. “Shut up, okay? I know what you think, I know what you’re trying to do asking all these stupid questions. But it’s none of your goddamn business, okay? Louis was there for me, he still is, always. And I can kiss whoever the fuck I want.”

“No one said you couldn’t. Why are you getting so defensive?” Again, Liam wasn’t being fair, pretending like they both didn’t know what he was thinking, but he simply did not know how to do this differently anymore.

“This isn’t going to work on me, you won’t get me to admit to something you made up in your mind. It’s been 18 years, Liam. Louis and I ran into each other 5 years ago, you and I didn’t. But if we had, it would have not changed anything because you can’t change what happened back then. Or what happened after. You will have to live with that, just like the rest of us.” He was glaring at Liam, moving to walk away yet again, and now Liam was not only desperate, but also hurt.

Basically, what did he have to lose? Nothing.

“What of it do you actually remember yourself, and what did Louis tell you? There are parts you can’t possibly know, because you weren’t there, and I’m not sure I would trust his word if I were you.” There, Liam had said it.

“But I should trust yours?” Fair point, although the disbelief in his voice hurt. “I don’t care anymore, Liam, it doesn’t matter. I don’t wanna be standing here having this discussion, not with you, not with him. I never even talk about it anymore, Louis doesn’t either, we moved on, it’s-“

“No, you clearly did not. Or we could talk like normal fucking people. Louis wouldn’t have said what he did on Thursday. And I don’t know what he or you went through in detail, but if I put together what I’ve seen and what you and your professor have both told me, then it doesn’t look like Louis is, or was ever, there for you. It looks like he’s part of the problem.” There, Liam had said it.

A lot of emotions seemed to cross Niall’s face, he opened his mouth, closed it again, but when he spoke, his words were sharp as a knife. “So where we were you then? Were you there for me? I sure as hell didn’t see you.”

Liam was speechless for a moment, long enough for Niall to start walking away, but because the hallway was already empty, he knew Niall still heard him, mostly because he slowed down, and then eventually stopped. “If you knew how long I tried to actively find you… Niall, I would have killed for you, and you know it. I almost did. I taught you how to read. I took beatings with a fucking belt for you. I held your hand every single night. If you believe, for just a single second, that I would have ever abandoned you… you’re wrong. Whoever tells you that is wrong. We didn’t spend a lot of time together in comparison to it all, but for me as a child, it felt like a lifetime, and I know it did for you as well. You and Louis were the first family I had after mine was gone. And I loved you, more than anything or anyone at that time, and for a long time after. And because of that, I will always care about you, and when I say I am worried, I am not doing my job as a counsellor, I am doing what I would have done back then, and what I would have continued to do if things had gone differently, if we had stayed together or found each other sooner. And now that I know you’re here and alive… I will be here if you need anything, and I will continue to be worried, even if you don’t like it. And I am sorry that I wasn’t there for you like I promised you I would be. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you, Niall.”

Niall never turned around, he just stood there, with his back towards Liam, even after he was finished, and the older man had nothing left to say, he had put it all out there, it wasn’t up to him anymore what would happen next.

When Niall started to walk away, Liam let him.

\-------------------------

For days, maybe a week, Liam felt like crap. At the same time, he felt relieved, because he had done his part, he had said what he had always wanted to say, it was done.

Of course Niall’s words still hurt, of course Louis’ did as well, the whole situation was opening old wounds Liam had long thought had healed. But here he was again, sleepless nights because of something he had thought he had gotten over.

This time, Liam tried to actively distract himself, he didn’t tell Louis or Harry about any of it, but he spent more time with them, made an effort. He even called his parents to get his confirmation that neither of them would have wanted to spend Christmas with him anyways. His mother straight up apologized, telling him she needed to work, that they could celebrate the first time she had off a couple days later, his father half-heartedly tried to invite him to spend the holidays with his new family. 

He sounded very relieved when Liam told him thank you and that he already had plans. Which he did, thanks to his pushy cousin and his equally pushy aunt that were actually neither his aunt or cousin. But neither were his parents his actual parents, and the two people he had thought of as brothers once hated him both, so there was that.

Liam had friends, he had a family, a job, an apartment, a car. He had no reason to complain and he needed to remind himself more often of all those privileges.

“… you can come back anytime you need to. Before your exams, after, whenever you want.” Liam promised the first year student sitting in front of him, looking a maximum of 14 years of age. A lot of them did, it made this job extra hard.

“Thank you so much… I’ll try to do what you told me and… and maybe… “ The girl swallowed, not looking at Liam, sounding hopeful. “Maybe I could come back next week?”

“Sure, what day would work best for you?” He pulled out his calendar and they agreed on a day and time after a couple minutes, chatting a bit more before she gathered her things, thanking Liam two more times before she opened the door.

“Should I send in the next person?” The question confused Liam, and for a moment, he thought he had forgotten someone, which had happened before, so he tried not to let his surprise show. Honestly, he had been about to pack up and go home.

“Sure, thank you.” He told the student, and she left the door half open as she walked out, telling someone outside that they could go in.

During the second he had, Liam opened the calendar on his computer to check if he had really just forgotten someone, but the slot was empty. Maybe just someone who hadn’t had the courage to write an email or call, it happened.

“Come in.” Liam said it louder when no one came, and then the door finally opened fully again, and he half expected another scared first-year fighting with their words. 

But no.

When Niall slowly entered the room, it wasn’t the fact that he was even here at all, on his own will, that shocked Liam or caught his attention. It was his whole appearance, the way he couldn’t even look at him, the travel bag over his shoulder, his wet hair and drenched clothes, the dirty bandage around his hand and the obvious bruise on his face, his split lip.

“Niall… what the hell happened?!” Liam got up immediately before reminding himself to take it slow, let Niall talk on his own terms even though these few seconds in which Niall slowly pulled the door closed behind himself were killing him.

“I, um… “ Niall started, staring at the desk between them, never looking up as he spoke, nervously playing with the bandage around his hand that seemed to have gotten lose. “I just- I know that… that I just walked away and… and all those things I said and- and I get it if- if you just want me to leave, but I… I really, um, I didn’t know where else to go and… and I was wondering if, uh… if maybe… if I could, like… umm… crash on your couch or something? Just one night, I promise, I-“

“You don’t have a place to stay?” Was all Liam could ask in disbelief, because… he suddenly felt transported back into the past. 

“Umm… “ Niall swallowed hard, and now Liam could tell he was about to cry, how desperate he was to put on a brave face. “Not, uh… not right now… it’s- it’s complicated… but it’s really okay if you say no and I can-“

“You can crash on my couch for however many nights you want.” Liam interrupted him to clear that up, because he couldn’t take it anymore. Niall had honestly thought Liam could say no?

The relief washing over Niall’s face was very apparent, and it hurt. When they did finally look at one another, Liam saw the fear in the younger boy’s eyes, the uncertainty of it all. It was true, he was kind of asking this of a stranger and probably had no idea what to expect, but at the same time, he had never reminded Liam more of the little boy from all those years ago.

He had so many questions, he didn’t even know where to start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!!!
> 
> thank you for all your lovely feedback and kudos on the first chapter! <3 i had so much fun writing the second chapter, i stayed up until 4 in the morning writing it because i didnt feel like stopping! i hope you enjoy it all, im very excited for how this fic will continue! i will try (FOR REAL) this time to not drag the fic out and maybe make it a bit shorter, but keep individual chapters more exciting at the same time :)
> 
> hope youre all staying safe and doing well, have a good week <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of sexual & physical abuse (non explicit, only implied during a conversation)

A moment passed, maybe two, as Liam tried to sort out his thoughts. It took everything he had to not blurt out with the most obvious questions, the ones Niall was probably fearing to hear. Despite that, he had chosen to come here, and out of all people he knew, he had decided to ask Liam for help. That had to be worth something.

Maybe what Liam had said to him when they had last spoken had made Niall think after all, and maybe he had decided that there had to be more to the story than what Louis might have made him believe. That Liam was not out to get him, that what he had done, he had done thinking it had been the only available option. 

He couldn’t have possibly known things would turn out the way they had.

“Did… did anybody hurt you?” It was the most important question, Liam decided in the end. The only question he really needed to ask, the only one that he wouldn’t be asking out of self-interest.

Niall adjusted his travel bag, looking down again, and his silence answered the question before his lie did. “No… “

“Okay.” Liam decided not to fight tonight, he’d get to the bottom of it all, but not right now, not here. He tried to act as normally as he could, tried his best to save Niall from his obvious discomfort and embarrassment. “I just have to pack my things, and turn off the computer, it’ll only take a few minutes.”

The younger boy only nodded, and Liam felt his eyes on his every movement as he did what he had told Niall, walking across the room to close the window in the end. He put on his jacket and took his bag, letting Niall exit the office before him so he could turn off the lights and lock the door. 

It was late, but there were still some students and staff members at the university as they walked across the hallways, to the parking lot where Liam had parked this morning having expected nothing at all from this day. Maybe that had been the right thing to do.

They didn’t talk. Liam would have loved to, but he knew he would have only ended up asking questions, and he knew that that was what Niall was afraid of, so he bit his tongue. The younger boy was obviously not in a good place right now, Liam didn’t want to add onto that, didn’t wanna scare him off again right when Niall had finally decided that he could trust him. Or try to.

They _were_ strangers, to a certain degree, but at the same time, Liam felt like he knew Niall better than most people in his life. It was a bit ridiculous, they had lived their teens and half of Niall’s twenties, all of Liam’s, apart from one another, and yet deep down Liam knew he could never not care. 

He would have spent the rest of his life trying to make up for what had happened. Not because he felt guilty, he had acted in Niall’s best interest whether the boy knew it or not, but Liam still wished he could have kept his promises. He hoped Niall somehow knew that.

“You have a car?” Niall seemed surprised, speaking again for the first time when Liam had gotten out his keys and unlocked his car once their were approaching it.

“Um, yeah.” Liam answered, a little confused as to why this was so surprising, but then… he was literally taking Niall home with him so that he could crash on his couch, because he had no place to stay. Now he felt bad. “Do you wanna put your bag into the back?”

“Umm… I can hold it.” He answered slowly, and then he seemed unsure. “I, um… I’ll probably get your seats wet. It was raining before and-“

“They’ll dry, don’t worry about it.” Liam told him immediately, anything to make him feel more comfortable.

Niall seemed even more uncomfortable though as he got into the passenger’s seat.

It felt a bit unreal, to have him sitting there in his car, putting on the seatbelt, taking away his chances of changing his mind and running away. Liam almost had to pinch himself.

Of course he wasn’t happy about this situation, but he was happy that Niall had come to him for help, even though he knew it was wrong. But how was he supposed to stop feeling that way? It was what he had wanted after all, to help, in whatever way possible.

Now that he had the chance, Liam was determined to not screw this up.

For a few moments, Liam drove in silence, then, of course, someone had to call. His phone had automatically connected to the hands-free device of his car, so they could both hear as well as read _Harry_ written across the touch screen. 

Liam didn’t wanna answer, but he also didn’t wanna give Niall the feeling as if he was ignoring the call just because he was next to him, as if he was having secrets, so… screw it, there was nothing to lose.

“Sorry… “ Liam mumbled out of reflex before quickly answering, praying to god that Harry would not say anything extra stupid today. The chances were 50/50. “Hi, Haz… “

“Hi, are you already driving home?” He asked casually, which meant nothing.

“Yeah. You?” Probably not, it was only 6, sometimes Harry stayed a lot longer than that, but it also depended on his appointments for the day. Liam definitely did not envy him for that, he liked the structure in his work life, even though he had to admit that sometimes he wished he could have had a day off during the week like Zayn.

“I got a few more things to do, just taking a break… I saw Zayn today.” Liam shouldn’t have answered that call.

“Where?” Did he really wanna know?

“In my lunch break, I think he was having a meeting at this café I grabbed some food from. Anyways, he just glared at me when I waved.” Liam was convinced none of that had happened, but okay. 

“I’m sure he didn’t. He probably didn’t recognize you, you haven’t seen each other in months, your hair is like, more than twice as long now.” This was so stupid, Niall must have been thinking that Liam’s life was a joke, that he had nothing better to do than have pointless conversations driving home while he was literally next to him, having lost his place and possibly having gotten into a physical fight. 

“Trust me, he recognized me. I was thinking I should sign up for one of his online classes and just ask stupid questions the whole time and-“

“Haz, please. Just let it go.” Playing mediator between the two of them was exhausting, especially because they barely knew each other anyways. “Look, even if he did ignore you… why’s that even matter? You hate him. You told him his career is made up and that his art was giving you the creeps. And then you asked whether he was on drunk when he painted the-”

“That was a genuine question, lots of artists are on drugs. It’s a creative process. And I love art, I go to museums all the time, it’s not my fault Zayn’s art, or whatever it may be, does not appeal to me. Plus, I don’t hate anyone. Only all of my ex’s.” Great. “Did I tell you what he texted me the other day?”

Then Harry went on a rant about what his most recent ex had told him to try and win him back, and Liam threw a couple worried glances at Niall, but the boy seemed to be busy typing on his phone. Was he texting Louis right now?

“I’m really sorry. It’s good you stood up for yourself, screw him.” Liam tried to end this conversation, he was almost at his place now. “I’m almost home now, I gotta-“

“What’re you doing this weekend?” Harry asked immediately, and for a second, Liam thought about saying he was busy, but then he thought about the fact that it was Thursday, and that he had told Niall he could say multiple nights if he needed to and… if he said he was busy, the boy would also think he was.

“Nothing so far. I’ll let you know if I have time.” Or not.

“So you have nothing planned, but you don’t know if you have time?” Exactly.

“Yeah.” Liam told him shamelessly, but he knew Harry knew it was a little bit of a joke. Everyone knew Liam valued his time spent alone. “I really gotta go now, have fun working until midnight.”

“Have fun going to bed in two hours.” Harry gave back before ending the call, and Liam shook his head to himself with a smile.

It took a moment for him to remember that Niall was sitting next to him.

“Sorry.” Liam apologized again, not adding anything onto it, like that Harry was his cousin because… he knew Niall had no background knowledge of Liam’s life and this was not about Liam. Harry was more of a friend anyways.

“Why? It’s your car.” Was all Niall said, but he had put away his phone by now. The older man held back with his questions yet again.

He did arrive in his street a few minutes later, the situation still feeling weird and slightly uncomfortable, but Liam was aware that Niall probably felt it a lot more. For all he knew, Liam could have been a psychopath, and he was about to willingly come into his apartment with him, over-night. There was a lot of trust involved that Liam did not want to lose again.

“Okay, here we are… “ Liam felt like he was talking to himself as he let them into the building, leading Niall up two flats of stairs before realizing they could have taken the elevator. He had no idea how heavy Niall’s bag was, but now it was too late anyways.

“Do you live alone?” Was Niall’s first question as soon as Liam had unlocked his front door and let him enter. Right, he couldn’t have known if Liam had roommates, or a partner, before he had asked to sleep here. That only made it seem a lot more urgent to Liam.

“Yeah. I used to live with roommates while I was at uni, but I… I like living alone.” He explained, though Niall probably didn’t care one bit. 

“It’s really nice.” It was actually really small, but Liam could tell that Niall meant it, that he was impressed by it, and that was really sad to think about. Liam could have afforded a slightly bigger place, but he liked his one bedroom, one bathroom and combined kitchen and living room place. He was alone, what would he have needed a ton of space for?

Looking at Niall standing there, in Liam’s apartment, it didn’t feel real. The fact that they had run into each other again, after so many years, under these circumstances… it didn’t even feel possible.

Liam made sure to snap out of it, as well as out of his careful approach, because now that he was able to study Niall’s appearance more carefully, it became more and more obvious that something bad had gone down. Whether that had only happened today or had escalated today, Liam couldn’t tell, but he also didn’t wanna ask.

There were a few things he could do though.

“You should probably change out of your clothes if you don’t wanna catch a cold… do you wanna borrow anything? You can also take a shower if you want. I’ll get you a towel.” Liam moved before Niall had even answered, because he looked as if he was freezing and his clothes were still wet and… how long had he walked through the rain? How long had he even waited in front of Liam’s office?

“I, um… I’ve got clothes to change in here.” He gestured to his bag, making Liam wonder if he had packed all his things in there. Had someone thrown him out? “Thank you… “

“No worries. Here’s a towel, the bathroom is over there and… just use whatever you find, okay? You can leave your bag somewhere or… or take it with you.” Liam figured he’d probably be more comfortable doing that. They still barely knew each other. “If you need anything just give me a shout.”

“Okay… thanks, Liam.” They shared an awkward look, something like a smile, but not really. Niall took off his shoes and jacket before going into the bathroom with his bag and the towel, locking the door from the inside and Liam took a breath.

How was he supposed to behave? How was he ever going to find out what had really happened?

Of course Liam could have cooked something, but he didn’t really have enough for two people because he usually went grocery shopping on Friday’s, so he quickly decided to just order them some pizza. Also seemed like the safest option, even if… even if he knew that Niall had no prominent food allergies.

While he heard the shower running, Liam changed his own clothes and put away his things. Then he got a blanket for Niall as well as a pillow so he could sleep on the couch later, and while he was at it, Liam also got some things for Niall’s hand, so that he could maybe change that bandage if he wanted to. 

After that, there was not much for him left to do except sit at the kitchen isle and pretend to be checking his emails when he was really just trying to think of how to approach the next conversation with Niall.

Niall had told him he had lived with Louis for a while, why had he not gone to him? Or was Louis the one who had kicked him out? Or one of Louis’ friends? Had they hurt Niall? And Louis hadn’t done anything? Liam knew it was unfair to think so badly of Louis, but how could he have not, after that night and after what had happened right before they had never seen each other again until recently?

After he pretty much had confirmation that at least part of Niall’s problems had to be related to Louis’ presence in his life.

The boy took his time before he left the bathroom, looking a lot more healthy, a bit more color in his face, his hair still damp but the rest of him hopefully dry. Niall was wearing a shirt and sweatpants now, and his face turned redder when he looked at Liam, carrying all of his things.

“I can wash those, if you want me to. Or put ‘em over here to dry.” Liam offered as he got up, gesturing to Niall’s wet clothes. They didn’t just look wet but also in need of a wash, but was not gonna point that out. “And you can put your bag wherever you want.”

“Um… just drying them will be fine, I think…it was just the rain. Thank you.” He thanked him again, letting his bag drop next to the couch. “I’ll do it.”

So Liam let him hang up his own clothes on the drying rack he had forgotten to put away this morning, the silence starting to become a little bit weird, so he decided to just start talking. About anything at all. “Do you like pizza? I ordered some. If you’re not hungry it’s fine, but I’m starving and I didn’t feel like a cooking.”

“You didn’t have to order anything for me…” Niall seemed to be embarrassed, just standing there for a moment before slowly coming over, clearly not knowing what to do with himself now.

“I wanted to. Are you not hungry?” Liam asked, trying to make it sound casual, but the younger boy only shrugged a little before sitting on one of the bar stools, keeping his distance. It was hard not to stare at his face, the bruise on his temple and the healing wound on his lip. The dirty bandages… “If you wanna change those… “

Without finishing, Liam pushed the first aid kit across the kitchen isle, not commenting it any further.

Niall seemed to be in an inner conflict, possibly for multiple reasons. He was looking at his hand, then at Liam, only to quickly look away again when their eyes met. In the end, he didn’t move anymore and Liam knew it was up to him to change that.

“I won’t say anything. And I won’t ask.” He promised, he really just wanted Niall to get this taken care of and not possibly do damage to his hand. 

For another moment, Niall bit his lip, staring at the first aid kit, and then he slowly seemed to unfreeze. “It’s not too bad… just a scratch… “

Liam tried not to stare, but he ended up staring anyways as Niall unwrapped his hand, cutting off the last bit with the scissors Liam had given him. It was definitely not just a scratch, there was blood too, and Liam wordlessly handed him some tissues from the counter. Niall’s palm was cut in multiple places as far as Liam could tell between the wounds breaking back open and bleeding again from the movement.

It was really hard to just watch or ignore Niall struggling to do things with only one hand, and when Liam saw his face getting a bit panicked and desperate, he finally had had enough.

“Here- let me help.” He got up, not being able to stand this any longer.

Niall looked like he didn’t want his help at first, he flinched when Liam reached out, but then he just let him, not saying a word.

“This will sting.” Liam warned him before spraying some antiseptic on the palm of Niall’s hand, just to be save. Afterwards, he carefully wrapped the boy’s hand back up in fresh bandages, doing it properly this time, not like he had probably done it himself with only one available hand. 

He tried to brush Niall’s skin as little as possible, but it wasn’t possible to NOT accidentally touch him a couple times and Liam saw the goosebumps on the boy’s arm, but he ignored it. Just like he ignored multiple other things on Niall’s skin, very old scars and probably newer ones and weird looking scabs and fading bruises and… Jesus fucking Christ.

“Thank you… “ Niall whispered afterwards and up close, he looked a lot worse, the dark circles beneath his eyes were more prominent and Liam wondered how much he had bled from that cut lip. Or who had given it to him.

Liam didn’t know what to say afterwards, so he quietly cleaned up the things he had been using, and the entire time he was split between wanting to ask 100 questions and thinking about how he would have never thought he’d ever take care of Niall’s wounds again.

\----------------------

_“L-Liam, it h-hurts!” Niall was bawling his eyes out after having fallen down on the asphalt, scraping open both his knees, making a scene in front of all these strangers walking past._

_“Shh, don’t cry, c’mon, it’s only a tiny scratch.” Liam tried to calm him as he pulled the little boy to his feet though Niall tried to resist. Having the skin stretch probably only hurt even more, but Liam had to get him away from the open street before-_

_“Do you boys need any help?” A woman had approached them, she was smiling down at Liam, a sympathetic look on her face as she saw what had happened. “Oh, dear. Do you need some tissues?”_

_“No, thank you, it’s okay. We’re almost home.” Liam lied to her quickly, just as he had done so many times, to so many strangers. “C’mon, Nialler, it’ll be okay.”_

_“N-Nooo, I c-can’t w-walk!” The little boy was wailing now and Liam knew it must have hurt, but surely not THIS much._

_“Where are your parents?” The question usually came, ALWAYS whenever Niall and Liam were alone, not so much when Louis was there. But Louis was doing other things today._

_“At home, me and my brother just went to the store.” Liam continued to lie to the woman, petting Niall’s head. “I’ll carry you home, Ni.”_

_“N-Noo-hoo!” Niall kept crying, but eventually he just clung to Liam like a sack of potatoes in his arms and Liam tried his best to hold him tight and shush him._

_“Are you sure you’re gonna be okay?” The woman sounded very worried, which was Liam’s clue to get the hell out of there._

_He simply told her yes, and then he tried to walk faster while Niall was still crying, but more quietly now, his arms so tight around Liam that it was hurting._

_There were still lots of people and Liam had no idea how far he carried Niall until he finally found the park he had been looking for where he could put the boy on a bench. Damn, his arms were about to fall off._

_“Okay, let me see.” He told Niall, trying to talk in a calm voice while the boy started to cry all over again as Liam crouched down in front of the bench to look at Niall’s knees. His clothes were torn and everything was bloody, and of course Niall didn’t want him pulling up his pants over his knees because it hurt even more, but Liam did it anyways._

_“Y-You’re h-hurting m-me…” He sobbed, making Liam feel bad._

_“I know, sorry. I’m already done, okay? It doesn’t look so bad.” It really didn’t, it was just the blood that was making it seem scary, but it had already dried. “If I clean the blood, can you try not to cry?”_

_“But it hurts… “ Niall whined, his bottom lip quivering, snot on his face that Liam would have loved to wipe away, but he only had that many tissues._

_“I know, but- what if you try to be really, really brave, and then afterwards you can eat some of the bread we got. Okay? Is that a deal?” Liam tried to make it into a game, but Niall seemed vary of it._

_“But I don’t wanna get into trouble…” Neither did Liam, but he would take the blow if they did, as usual. Not that they got into trouble that much, just… sometimes._

_“We won’t. I promise. Pinky.” He held out his pinky finger towards Niall, and reluctantly, the little boy linked it with his._

_Of course he was still crying as Liam tried to clean the wounds with some water they had and some tissues. After he was done with that, the scratches didn’t look all too bad anymore and they even had some band aids left that Liam had stolen from the store after Niall had scratched his face the other day. At least then he hadn’t been crying that much._

_“Okay, done.” Liam announced, pulling Niall’s pants down carefully before sitting on the bench next to him. “Not so bad, right?”_

_“It burns.” Niall whined, wiping at his face, all the snot and tears going straight into his sleeve before Liam could stop him. Great._

_“I know, I’m sorry, Ni. But you were so brave and you can pick what you wanna eat, okay?” The older boy tried to sound very enthusiastic as he opened his backpack, and he was certain Niall would not think twice as he peaked inside._

_But he didn’t move his hands._

_“You can choose whatever you want.” Liam promised again, and still, nothing._

_Then, after a moment, Niall looked at him, playing with his fingers._

_“No, thank you.” Niall said, sniffing. “I don’t want you to get in trouble… “_

_“But I won’t.” Liam lied, though the chances were pretty good he wouldn’t if it was only a little bit of food. Then again, they barely had anything to bring back without having taken anything._

_Still, Niall shook his head and Liam didn’t really know what to say. None of the other kids had ever stood up for him, or would have turned down anything for him, maybe Louis but… probably only once or something. And not like this, because they didn’t work like that._

_Liam loved Louis like a brother, but they were still both responsible for themselves, they wouldn’t have gone down for one another, taken a real beating for the other one. None of the kids would have, for anyone, and that was fine, because everyone knew that._

_But with Niall it was different. Liam would have protected him from anything at all, he always picked a fight with the other kids if they teased Niall, he shared his food with Niall even if he had been slapped three times for that in the past. He also let Niall share his pillow, and his blanket, and when they were outside and it was getting cold, Liam would give him his jacket. Of course maybe it was a little bit his age too, but then again, not really. Liam just felt very protective of Niall and if he had had to choose to take one of all the kids with him if he had gotten a chance to get out of here, it would have been Niall._

_So it really meant a lot to him that Niall turned down food multiple times because he was worried it would fall back on Liam. It meant that not only did Liam care a lot more about Niall than anyone else, but that Niall felt the same way._

_“… does it still hurt?” Liam asked after a second of silence because he didn’t know how to react, and Niall nodded, sniffing again. “Come here.”_

_Just a second later, Liam had Niall’s arms wrapped around him as he hugged the boy back, tightly. No idea why, but suddenly Liam felt like crying._

_“I’m sorry I hurt you before… “ He whispered, putting his head on top of Niall’s. They were still sitting on the bench, so it was a bit awkward, but it worked._

_“It’s okay… “ Niall told him with his lisp and Liam smiled. Then, the little boy held on more tightly, his fists wrapped around Liam’s clothes. “You’re still the best big brother ever.”_

_It was a surprise to Liam to hear him say that, and he froze for a moment before he pulled away to look at Niall. The younger boy didn’t seem very happy about that, he was still sitting so close that they were touching._

_A part of Liam wanted to cry, but then he smiled again as he looked at Niall, ruffling his hair. “Love you, Nialler.”_

_“Love you too.” Niall told him with a giant smile, right before hugging Liam again, so tightly it almost caused them to fall off the bench._

_It took a long time for them to get home, and they had to share one food portion because of how little they had brought back, but Liam still felt happy that night when Niall cuddled into him before going to sleep as he usually did when it was cold._

_Life really had gotten so much better since Liam had Niall._

\---------------------

Liam knew Niall was watching him as he put everything back to where it belonged, taking his time, trying to clear his thoughts. It wasn’t working very well.

When Liam came back, he sat down where he had while wrapping up Niall’s hand, closer than when he had been on his laptop. He just HAD to say something, anything. 

“Niall… “ He started, and Niall looked down immediately. “What’s going on? You don’t have to tell me but I- maybe I can help. If anybody hurt you… “

“It was my fault…” Niall told him very quietly after a second, suddenly blinking a few times in a row, as if to stop some tears that were close to spilling over. It was apparent in his glassy eyes as well. “I stumbled and then I reached out to try and stop the fall and- yeah… “

“And what about your face?” Liam had promised not to ask, but he couldn’t ignore the obvious, could he? No one else would have.

This time, Niall stayed quiet, confirming that someone else had put these bruises there. If Louis had been involved, then… no, Liam couldn’t even finish that thought without wanting to ask Niall for the man’s phone number and his place so he could go and kill him. 

“It- it’s not from today… “ That didn’t make it any better, did it? Clearly, someone had put those bruises there, and it was making Liam furious to think about it.

Liam half expected the pizza to get here to interrupt their conversation, but it didn’t. He was left feeling helpless and not knowing the right questions to ask, but he couldn’t just stay quiet. Maybe if he tried another direction… 

“Do you- did you ever have your own place?” Niall waited a second, then he slowly shook his head. “Who do you usually stay with?”

“I used to stay with Louis after my last foster family and… and then other friends and… “ He broke off, taking a deep breath, and before Liam knew it, the first tear was dropping down his cheek and he hastily tried to wipe it. 

“Louis’ friends or… yours?” Somehow that seemed important.

“Both… “ Niall whispered, taking a shaky breath. He was biting at his thumb nail now, a gesture very familiar to Liam still, so much that it almost made him smile had the situation not been so serious. “I, um… I’ve stayed with a friend of Louis’ for a few months now and- and it was okay, but then… then he, like… he said he really likes me and… we kinda- we had a thing, but I… I’m not sure if I… if I wanted to, but- but I didn’t know where to go and…and he is nice, I guess… “

Pretty much every alarm bell in Liam’s mind was already going off. He was terrified of asking his question. “The man you kissed? That Thursday night, when-“

“Yes… “ Niall mumbled, a shiver going through his body and before Liam knew it, he had covered his face in his hands, taking shaky breaths, his voice sounding strained. He was at his breaking point and it was obvious. “I didn’t want- I don’t like him like that, I n-never did, but I- and Louis said- and I told them- about y-you and then Thursday happened- and we had a fight and then he… h-he j-just… a-and I… I d-didn’t k-know where to g-go a-and e-everyone’s m-mad a-and… he s-said- he s-said no o-one w-would c-care a-and w-we -just h-have m-mutual friends a-and… so I h-had to s-stay w-with h-him and h-he… he’s a-always d-drinking a-and- a-and even when I t-tell h-him to s-stop, h-he n-never- h-he just… h-holds me d-down a-and-… I-I’m s-sorry… “

“Niall… why would you be sorry?” Liam’s heart was breaking, he couldn’t follow Niall’s story 100% because of the crying and the random breaks, but he had understood enough to piece together the story.

Niall had left the last foster family he had stayed with, probably right after Louis had found him again, when he had been 19. No idea how long he had stayed with Louis then, or where, or why he had left, but Liam’s suspicions kept getting confirmed. Niall’s friends, they were Louis’ friends, they were probably all older, they had possibly gotten him into substance abuse judging by their conversation at Liam’s office, and the worst part of it all was… one of them seemed to have been taking advantage of Niall and his situation for months. Had literally hit him and… _forced_ himself on Niall god knows how many times and…

And Louis had done nothing to stop it. He was the one who had indirectly caused it.

“B-Because… it’s n-not y-your p-problem…” Niall half choked out, not covering his face anymore, but his attempts to wipe his tears were useless. Liam watched for only a moment before turning around to get some tissues from one of his kitchen drawers, sliding them across the counter. “T-Thanks… “

“I told you I care, and I wanna help. You can stay with me, Niall, if you want that. I don’t care how many times you say we don’t know each other, because we do. If I had known… “ If only they could have met earlier, if only Liam hadn’t… but there was no use dwelling on that. “He’s disgusting for telling you no one cares, and for doing what he did to you and for hurting you. No one has the right to touch you against your will, ever.”

“I k-know, but… w-where w-would I h-have gone?” Good question, because Niall’s desperation was also a bit of a mystery to Liam. Why was Niall not staying with Louis? Did Louis even have a place of his own? Had he ever? “A-And… h-he’s not a-always like t-this… we d-do g-get a-along… “

“Ni… “ Liam used his old nickname without thinking, but he wasn’t sure if the other boy even noticed. “What about Louis? Does he know what happened between you and this man? Does he know… does he know what he did to you? And about tonight?”

“P-Partly… a-and a-a lot about t-tonight… “ Niall had a hiccup now, his face was bright red and wet and Liam wanted nothing more than to hug him. He didn’t though.

“He knows you’re with me?” That would have been a surprise, but Niall immediately shook his head.

“N-No… t-they t-think I’m j-just… o-outside s-somewhere… “ With _they_ Liam assumed Niall meant Louis and this man and it was honestly giving him chills. What kinda life had Niall been living? How many times had he been in situations like this one, with no one to turn to? Only Louis, who clearly was no help, but the complete opposite?

“And Louis didn’t offer that you can stay with him after all this?” After this man had HIT Niall, forced himself on him, thrown him out?! Well… that would require for him to know the truth.

“I-I… I-I d-didn’t t-tell him e-everything a-and… “ Niall had to take a break to blow his nose, trying to calm himself with a few breaths. “I don’t… w-wanna stay with him.”

“Why n-“

Liam was interrupted by the doorbell that made them both flinch terribly. He couldn’t just ignore it, so their conversation was interrupted as he went to the front door to let the pizza delivery person into the building. There were a few moments of silence before they rang the doorbell again and Liam paid and took the cartons.

He was still really hungry, even though it felt super inappropriate.

“I got two different ones, I like them both, so you can choose… or you can have half of each, whatever you want.” Liam told Niall as he came back, hoping that this would lighten the mood, even just a little bit.

There was nothing to lighten though, this was a tragedy.

“Thank you… I also like both, we can, um, share?” Niall suggested, still wiping at his eyes that must have already been hurting from all the touching and crying, but he seemed more stable now, his voice firmer.

“Sure.” Liam tried to smile at him, leaving the pizza cartons in the middle of the kitchen isle before getting them both a glass of water. He had nothing else to offer because he didn’t really drink anything else, but Niall didn’t complain of course.

Now it felt weird to get back to his original question, so Liam didn’t. Also because he could tell Niall was really hungry because he was eating rather fast and it made Liam wonder when the last time he had eaten had been.

If he didn’t have, and never had had his own place… did he even have enough money to buy food? Did he have a job? Why had he decided to go study at university? And what the hell was Louis’ role in all of that?! Why’d Niall not wanna live with him anymore? Why would he even wanna be associated with anyone of Louis’ friends still, if this was what they did to him? 

There were still so many unanswered questions, but Niall seemed content eating and he seemed to have calmed down, so Liam decided to hold back for now. He hadn’t planned on investigating him like that, it’s just… how could he have not?

They ate mostly in silence, Liam tried to start a conversation a few times, but he gave up in the end. He encouraged Niall to keep eating even when he had already finished a whole pizza, claiming he himself was already way too full. Not true, but Niall didn’t have to know.

Liam was subtly studying Niall’s appearance the whole time. He was rather skinny, not looking sickly, but also not well. His hair had fully dried now and it was a mess, his face was red and still splotchy, there were the bruises, the dark circles under his eyes, his shirt was way too big on him and generally… he looked completely different than he had just the last time they had seen each other.

Tired, exhausted, but also scared and uncertain and as if he’d break out into tears again any second. What was Liam supposed to do now? Of course he would not kick Niall out, but he was more afraid it would come down to him having to beg Niall to stay after tonight.

“Do you want dessert? I made some cupcakes the other day.” Liam offered after they were both done, and he knew the answer already only judging by the way Niall’s face seemed to lighten up. At least something good tonight.

“You bake?” He asked, surprised, looking even more excited when Liam just put the entire tray of the leftover cupcakes in front of him.

“Sometimes, if I have time. I also try to cook, but… some days I just don’t want to.” He would have tonight, if he had had enough food at home for two, but Niall didn’t need to know that. “Eat as many as you want.”

“I’m really full… but I can definitely manage one.” Niall decided quickly and Liam bit back a smile. He couldn’t have possibly eaten all these cupcakes by himself anyways, he had expected Harry to come over and finish them once he told him he had only used ingredients his cousin would actually put into his mouth. 

There were lots of open questions, 18 years worth of them, but Liam still returned to pretend-checking his emails and whatnot to let Niall eat in peace. As hard as it was to hold back, it was a lot harder not to stare at Niall, know that some asshole had put his hands on him, had hurt him, had forced him into doing sexual things he hadn’t want to do and… for god knows how long.

Niall had said he had stayed with this man for months. How could Louis have a friend like that? Sure, apparently he didn’t know what he was doing to Niall, but it was like… why not? Why did Niall not tell him? Why did he not wanna stay with Louis? 

Liam should have called the police, he wanted to, though realistically, he knew Niall would hate him for it and deny everything and possibly protect that man in the end. 

It didn’t take a genius, certainly not a psychologist, to see what was wrong with Niall, but Liam still had no idea how to fix it.

\--------------------------

“Niall… “ Liam had held back for quite a while, all while cleaning up the kitchen, watching Niall eat three cupcakes and then watching the news with him on the couch to make him feel more comfortable. It was getting late though.

“… yes?” The boy was clearly hesitating, he was sitting as far away from Liam as the couch allowed, which was not that far because it was fairly small, but still.

“Why are you not telling Louis? About what this man, his friend- what he’s really like? What he’s doing to you?” Honestly, Liam was afraid of the answer, but he was afraid of every answer Niall could have possibly given him.

A long time of silence, only the news speaker in the background that Liam had long started to ignore. No news in the world could have possibly distracted him from what had happened the past few days, especially the past few hours.

Niall looked a lot better now after he had had a shower and something to eat and even laughed once at something random they had talked about before, briefly. Now, his face was all serious again, but mostly sad as he kept staring at the coffee table in front of them, as if he was deciding whether to tell the truth or not.

In the end, Liam probably got half of it, but what Niall mumbled still gave him goosebumps.

“Because-… I’m scared of his reaction.” He just said it, straight out, and Liam swallowed. He had not expected so much honesty.

“Are you… are you scared of Louis?” Should he have been? This was slowly turning into a nightmare.

“Not of him… just of what he’d do. He’s… “ And then Niall drifted off, shaking his head to himself, taking a deep breath. “Remember when… when one of the kids told on us? Because you gave me your food and… I can barely remember that, but the next day that boy’s only blanket and warm clothes were gone and… it was in the middle of winter. And he got this really bad cold, he literally almost died, and- no one knew it was Louis, except you and me?”

“I think I do, yeah… “ Liam was more stunned that Niall was so casually talking about the time back then, that he could easily pull an example from so many years in the past. Did he remember all of it, despite how young he had been?

“It’s still like that with him… I know he’d do anything for me, but I- he always crosses the line. He doesn’t care about the outcome or- even if it would fall back on him. And, um… what his friend did to me, or still is, it’s… it sucks, but he also lets me live with him rent-free and he buys me food and-“

“It doesn’t give him the right to hurt you, or touch you in any way you don’t want. It’s not giving him a free pass, Niall. You have to leave, you can’t stay with this man.” Liam interrupted immediately, he could NOT listen to Niall trying to excuse this behavior, what the hell?!

“I did leave… “ Niall whispered, and true, he was here right now. Liam was afraid though that tomorrow he wouldn’t be. 

“Why did you not go to Louis?” If he’d do anything for Niall, if that was true… how could he have let it come this far?

“Because as I just said, I can’t tell him the truth and also… I didn’t… I don’t wanna stay with him again… “ There it was again, that unsaid reason, but before Liam could attempt to ask again, Niall stopped him. “I really don’t wanna talk about it, I shouldn’t have even said anything at all, I- it’s not my place to talk about Louis or- he’d be so pissed… “

Because he seemed to despise Liam, seemed to have told Niall certain things that were definitely not true, but Liam knew better than to bring any of that up. If Niall was here, if he had willingly chosen Liam to come to for help, he must have been questioning Louis’ words at least to some extent anyways. And he could very well think for himself if he really remembered that much from the past.

“You could get your own place, or move into a dorm… or with some roommates?” Liam suggested, switching the topic, trying to offer helpful solutions. Hopefully it didn’t sound as if he wanted to get rid of Niall.

“That’s really expensive though and… I mean, I had a job before I went to uni, but it barely paid anything, and now I just work a few hours a week at this store… I hope once I’ve graduated I can somehow find a better job and then maybe afford something… “ He shrugged, looking slightly helpless, as if he didn’t have any hopes that that would ever happen. Then, quietly, he added something else. “… I also don’t like being alone… I like staying with friends and… I always pay them rent too, just this time… it’s complicated. “

“Okay.” There was nothing for Liam to comment, and for a moment he hesitated with what he was about to say next, but afterwards, it was clear as day to him that he would have offered it in any case. “You can stay here for as long as you want. With no rent.”

“I can’t, I wouldn’t just-“

“I mean it, I don’t mind it and if I can help then I’m happy to.” And Liam would have never, in a billion years, accepted a single pound from Niall.

“I’m not a charity case.” It wasn’t a surprise that Niall was upset now, but Liam didn’t care, he had just wanted the boy to know. He knew that Niall was reacting this way because he was embarrassed, and Liam really got that, so he didn’t take it personal.

“I know, I never said you were. It’s a simple offer, you don’t have to accept it, but I would be happy if you did.” He looked at the boy when he said it, and Niall immediately looked away. His face was a bit red, he seemed frustrated, and upset too.

“… why though?” The boy asked after a moment, and Liam already had his mouth open to answer him, but then he closed it again.

He had to choose his words very, very carefully now.

“You have no idea what I’m even like now or… if we even get along. Maybe you’ll soon figure out you actually don’t like me at all. I mean, I could be anyone, I could be… a psychopath or something.” Now he was trying to get Liam to slip up somehow, say something that would confirm to Niall whatever he seemed to think about Liam. Maybe that he was only doing this out of guilt, or for himself to make up for what had happened. It had certainly played a role in Liam trying to talk to him, but now looking at him… 

“Are you?” Liam asked jokingly, pulling up an eyebrow and Niall rolled his eyes.

“I’m being serious. Why?” He turned his head at that, face still blushed but he seemed to be trying his hardest to stay firm and determined to get his answer. “You asked me so many questions before and I was being honest as well.”

“Fair enough… “ Liam mumbled, laughing quietly for a moment because this situation was just unreal, not because it was funny. “I never stopped thinking about you and wondering what happened. Never. I’ve kept that toy car with me since back then and- You were my family, Niall. I tried to find you so many times in the past… when I got to this place, when my parents died, I thought it would never get any better. I only got along with Louis, but… it was never like that with him. We never had the kinda connection you and I had. Everything got so much better once you were there, it was like you were my actual lost brother or something… I never forgot about any of it. I’m not doing this because I feel guilty or because I think I have to, I WANT to. I could never not like you or not care… I just couldn’t. I can’t answer your question like that, because it would never cross my mind that that could change one day. Maybe that sounds like I’m avoiding answering, but I’m not, I just _know_ for some reason.”

Niall had listened, but he had turned his head, and Liam was honestly not sure if he had said the right things or not, but it gave him some hope when the younger boy finally reacted, more as if he was talking to himself though. “Maybe it’s the same reason I thought I should come to your office… “

“I’m happy you did, I-“

“Do you have a family now?” Niall interrupted, all the nostalgia and emotions gone on an instant as he randomly switched the topic. He really did not want to talk about their shared past, did he?

“I… yes.” Liam answered truthfully, guilt bubbling up inside of him as he watched Niall’s face change. There was no point in asking the same question in return, or try to make him feel better by telling him his parents had gotten a divorce, because compared to what Niall had gone through judging by the little details Liam knew… 

“Since when?” He kept asking, as if he was actively trying to get himself hurt in the process. Maybe he was.

“Since I was like, 12.” It felt like longer, but then sometimes… sometimes it felt like time had just flown and Liam had spent more years with Niall and Louis than he actually had. That period had surely had the most impact on him, on all of them.

“That’s nice… “ Niall didn’t sound angry, only sad as he looked at his hands. “… you know they brought me back to my mom? Like… not right away, but a few years later. I lived with her for a year or so…”

“Wait… really?” Liam would have not expected this at all, there were so many things he didn’t know, pretty much anything since Niall had been 6 until now. Surely, there were things that would have made Liam’s skin crawl.

“Yeah… it was horrible… I’ve not talked to her in ages… “ He shrugged a bit, and Liam was unsure if Niall wanted him to keep asking.

If he asked all those things he was itching to know, they’d be sitting here all night talking about what had happened that day. The very last day they had seen each other…

“And the last foster family you stayed with?” Liam opted for this instead, it seemed safer, more like something they could both handle right now.

“The same. I don’t talk to any of them anymore… I hated them all… I was in an orphanage or whatever you call that for a bit as well, that was kind of better, but… yeah. I already told you what it was like when I was at your office anyways.” Niall shrugged, picking at the skin next to his thumb on his hurt hand as Liam swallowed.

Niall had also said a lot more that day, things he surely would have not said had he known who Liam was beforehand. 

“Are you happy with your life?” The younger boy asked out of nowhere, while Liam was still stuck in thoughts, and so, so much guilt that it was almost drowning him.

“I think so… “ Sure, there were parts Liam did not like, especially lately, but if he compared it to Niall’s… he was again afraid to ask the same question. It would have simply been ignorant and insensitive, but Liam had to say _something_ “… I know you’re struggling, I know there are things that have happened to you that I could never even imagine, and it sounds really lame when I’m sitting here trying to say I’m sorry, it probably means nothing. But I am and I really, honestly, mean it when I say that if there is anything at all that I can do then you can tell me. And you can really stay here as long as you need to.”

“Thank you… “ Niall whispered before taking a breath, not looking at Liam of course, and he also didn’t really say anything right after, but Liam could tell he wanted to. It took a minute though, maybe more. “I was really scared before I went to your office… I wanted to leave like 10 times and I waited a while… I thought- I don’t know. It’s weird, because of Louis and… and everything. And because of what happened, and how, and… I don’t remember all of it, but I do remember most of it. Some things are like they happened yesterday. I talked a lot with Louis over the years as well, he remembers some things differently, and- there were things he said about you, that I know are not true, because… I just know. Other things I don’t … but I was looking for you too, a few times, but then I got scared and- that you wouldn’t, like- that you wouldn’t even care anymore or… or that you would be an asshole now and hate me… and then it was me who behaved like an asshole in your office… it’s just because- it all came back at once, the memories and what Louis said and that night- but you’re exactly like you were. Like I remember you, and it’s so crazy because… it’s been so long. We were children, I shouldn’t even remember so much but the more I think about it all… I don’t know what I’m trying to even say right now… “

He had said enough to make Liam want to smile and cry at the same time. If he was still like Niall remembered him, then that meant a ton to him. It was obvious that whatever Louis had said had caused Niall to be doubtful, so Liam was even more relieved that he had managed to change Niall’s mind, had kept trying to talk to him and in the end gotten him to come to him for help after all.

Of course Liam also knew that this was definitely not the end to the story. Not even close.

“You look a lot different though.” Niall quickly added, probably to lighten the mood and distract Liam from how emotional he had gotten. He wasn’t the only one. “I barely recognized you with the facial hair and everything…”

“I gotta say I’m a little bit glad about that part.” Liam joked and it was good to see Niall smile, even if it was barely there. “I barely recognized you either, but now… it’s most definitely you.”

“I think the chances of someone sending an imposter were pretty slim.” The boy laughed for a moment and Liam relaxed a bit. After all this serious talk, they could need something to lighten the mood before it got too late. Then again… maybe this conversation wasn’t all too light, because Liam had to admit that Niall’s face had of course faded from his memory, how could it have not, with no pictures, no nothing? He could imagine Niall was even more affected by this the other way around. Maybe he- “I kept the hoodie.”

“Wha- you did?” That had come a bit out of nowhere, one second Niall had been laughing, then he had just blurt out with it, and now he was all red as if he regretted it.

“I mean, um… yeah.” He nodded as he looked away, clearing his throat, then he suddenly got up. “I really need the bathroom.”

Liam only made a noise of agreement, not really knowing what to say right now, whether he should have been happy or cried or… or something in between. Or maybe both. 

Him keeping that toy car was one thing, Niall keeping that hoodie… that was completely different. Liam could almost not stand to think about it, he had to almost physically make himself think about something else, something happier, or he would have been sitting here in tears begging Niall for forgiveness in a moment.

\---------------------

_“What’s Christmas?” When Niall asked, Liam thought he was joking. He HAD to be._

_“Have you never celebrated Christmas?” He could not believe it. What?!_

_The little boy shook his head, no, looking a bit lost and confused as to why it was a big deal. “What is it?”_

_“It’s-“_

_“You get lots of presents and everyone eats tons of food and stuff.” Louis answered before Liam could, before he could have told Niall what Christmas actually was. Now it was too late because the boy’s eyes had already lit up like stars._

_“Oooh! I wanna celebrate Christmas, I want to eat lots of food and get presents.” He announced and Liam glared at Louis, who only shrugged, continuing to read the newspaper as if he actually understood half of it. Liam didn’t._

_“We can’t really, Ni… “ He tried to tell Niall carefully, not knowing how to explain. If Niall asked, Liam would have lied saying he had never celebrated Christmas in his life either._

_“But I want to. I want a toy.” Of course he did, but the boss would have taken it away immediately. No babies._

_“Only rich people celebrate Christmas. We never will.” Louis threw in, making Niall pout and Liam sigh. Why was it always so difficult when Louis decided to get involved? His approach with Niall was always so harsh, sometimes necessary, but still…_

_“Maybe one day I will be rich...” The boy was now throwing stones into the water and Liam could tell he was really upset. “Then I can buy all the toys I want. And all the food, too.”_

_“Let me know when that happens.” Louis laughed at him and Niall threw an angry look at him that almost made Liam laugh. Niall trying to glare at people was like a puppy getting upset for being ignored._

_“Hey… “ Liam sat next to Niall after Louis had gotten caught up with his stupid newspaper again. “Christmas is not even that great, you know. A lot of people don’t get any presents, and we got some pretty good food the other day, right?”_

_“Yes… “ Niall mumbled, then he looked at Liam, his face all sad and it made Liam feel sad as well. “But I never got a present before.”_

_It left Liam thinking the rest of the day. He didn’t know what to say in that moment, so he only hugged Niall, trying to distract him with something else and it seemed to work. At least on the younger boy._

_Liam had gotten many presents and toys in his life, he had celebrated Christmas lots of times as well, and Easter and his birthday and… he had never thought about that many of the kids here probably hadn’t, like Louis, but then again, most of them had no parents, whereas Niall… he had a mom somewhere out there, but she had not acted like a mom at all._

_At least Liam knew if his parents were still alive, they would have never left him here, they would have always loved him… what must it have felt like, to know that his mother had abandoned Niall? That she did not WANT to come pick him up?_

_A few days passed, Liam was never quite sure of the dates, but he knew it was around Christmas time, hence why they had even talked about it. It took a bit of planning and coordination and for Niall to be distracted, but eventually, one night, Liam was so excited for them all to finish their can of whatever food that he could barely stand it._

_“Hi, Ni. C’mere.” Liam called the boy, he had been stacking some stones before bedtime, a lot of the kids were busy doing other things, or had gone to sleep in another room._

_“What?” Niall chirped, immediately coming over like he always did, sitting down on the ground next to Liam._

_“I have to show you something, but you have to be quiet, okay? It’s something really cool.” He promised, smiling when he saw the boy’s eyes growing bigger. “Pinky promise?”_

_“Okay!” Niall agreed excitedly, already too loud, before linking his finger with Liam’s._

_The older boy took his time, reaching into his pocket under Niall’s excited stare and huge eyes. At first, he could tell Niall was confused, maybe disappointed, when he saw what Liam had had in his jacket. But that quickly changed._

_“I got you a present. Merry Christmas, Niall.” He put the badly wrapped present into the younger boy’s hands. It was only wrapped in old newspaper and some string, but it did the trick._

_Niall’s mouth immediately dropped open, and he had torn open the paper before Liam had even prepared himself for it. Inside was a small toy car that Liam had stolen from the store the other day, he would have gotten something bigger and better, but that would have been impractical for multiple reasons. Plus, it didn’t seem to matter._

_“A toy!” The little boy exclaimed excitedly, the biggest smile on his face that Liam had ever seen._

_“Do you like it?” Liam asked, a bit worried anybody would rat them out, but no one seemed to be paying attention anyways._

_“Yes! Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Niall had jumped up and then hugged Liam so suddenly that they almost fell backwards together, but Liam only had to laugh._

_He barely had time to hug Niall back because the boy was already jumping up and down again in excitement, staring at the toy in his hands as if he could not believe it. He probably couldn’t._

_“You can’t tell anybody about it, okay? Only Louis.” Liam had to make sure and shush Niall a bit, but luckily, that did not seem to dim his excitement. Thank god._

_It was hard getting Niall to lie down that night, and Liam almost didn’t want to because he himself felt as if he had just gotten the best present in the whole world as well._

_The next day when they were alone with Louis, Niall immediately shoved the car into his face with a “Lou, look what Liam got me! A real toy, for Christmas!” and Louis rolled his eyes at Liam with a smile after faking some enthusiasm, jokingly asking whether_ his _present had gotten lost in the mail._

_Liam couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so happy._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello :)
> 
> thank you for all your feedback so far <33 im happy youre enjoying the fic!! this has become so rare that i now feel weird but i finished this chapter 4 days ago already, i can hardly believe it lmao! reason being i was super excited to work on it but also, i have to prepare 500 presentations for uni this week so i had no time this weekend rip
> 
> anyways! i hope you liked the chapter, im so stoked about this fic and idek why haha! i think im just so excited to get to all the fluff and to develop this further and maybe because its something else and not all of them get along (actually barely anyone does at this point ha!), i also looove writing about toddler niall :') 
> 
> hope youll have a great week!! <3


	4. Chapter 4

Needles to say, they did not continue their conversation that night. Liam was actually the one who decided that it was time they stopped, since all of the questions had mainly come from him anyways and then Niall had simply played along asking things in return. It had been pretty obvious though that he would have preferred to stay silent.

It was definitely getting late, and not that Liam thought he’d be able to get much sleep that night, but he still told Niall that he was going to head to his bedroom once the younger boy came back from the bathroom. His face was still red from what he had said, and Liam would have LOVED to talk about it all, preferably the entire night long to really cover all the details, but he was probably the only one.

“About tomorrow… “ Liam started, he had already gotten up and Niall was sitting on the couch, probably waiting for him to finally leave him alone and shut his mouth. Did he regret that he had come to Liam for help? Had he been the very last choice? Most likely, judging by what the boy had told him about his friends, and Louis especially. “I have to be at work at 8:30, I don’t know if you have classes or work or-“

“I have to be at work at 9.” Niall quickly interrupted, clearing his throat. “It’s not far from here, I’ll just leave when you leave and take the bus.”

“Do you know how to get there from here?” Liam kinda doubted it, it had been dark outside when he had driven them here and Niall didn’t even know his address. 

“Sure, I have my phone.” He reminded Liam, and the older man hoped it was true. Then again… he also wasn’t sure if Niall truly had to be at work. Not that it was any of his business.

“Okay… do you have classes tomorrow as well?” There were things that needed to be cleared up before he went to bed, and he wanted to make sure to talk about this tonight so Niall would not have to go to sleep thinking Liam would be kicking him out tomorrow. “Or when are you finished with everything?”

“Umm… at 4 or something.” Niall had thought about it for a moment, but he also seemed a bit hesitant to tell Liam. Understandable.

“Okay. I finish at 6, you can wait for me at uni or meet me downstairs, whatever you want. I gotta, uh, go to the store though. You’re welcome to join, but obviously you can also just text me if you wanna come later… actually, we should probably exchange numbers.” Liam said it all in one go, not even letting Niall have a moment to opt-out, as if it was already decided. It kinda was in his head anyways, plus Niall had admitted he had nowhere else to go, so… “Here.”

“I… “ Niall started, staring at Liam’s phone that he was holding towards him, then at the older man, then back at his phone. Finally, he took it. “Okay… “

“Thanks. I’ll text you real quick.” Liam did what he had said, then he looked at Niall for another moment, a little bit torn on the inside because the boy had not really reacted to anything he had said. “We can talk about this in the morning, but I… I just want you to know that I really want you to stay here. If only for a few days, you can decide that. Of course you can also go and if you ever need anything else… you have my number now. But from what you told me tonight, I- I just thought maybe you’d feel more comfortable staying here with me than to go back or… or to someone else.”

They both knew he meant Louis with someone else, or someone from their shared friendship group, but there was really no need to say that anyways. God, Liam still could not wrap his head around everything that had happened and what he had been told. 

He had never before wanted to confront a person more than Louis, but he knew it would have not ended well. And Niall would have chosen Louis’ side, 100%. So really, Liam would have done a lot more harm than good, no matter his intentions. Just like back when- no, he was done worrying about this tonight.

Niall seemed to think about his words, biting his lips, luckily not making it bleed again, and all while not looking at Liam but rather at the floor. At some point, Liam thought about leaving, but the boy spoke up shortly after. “I, um… I’d really like to stay for a little bit longer, if… if that’s really okay, and if you’re not just offering because you think you have to because I could also just-“

“I’m not. I want you to stay, as long as you need. It’s no trouble at all, okay? I promise.” Liam felt relief spreading through him as Niall nodded a bit, seemingly embarrassed, but hopefully that would pass soon.

“I just feel bad because I can never repay you… “ Niall half mumbled, and Liam really got that, but he would have loved to somehow let Niall know that he didn’t have to, never would have to. For anything.

“You can come to the store with me tomorrow, I hate going by myself.” It was kind of a joke, kind of not, and Niall just let out a quick laugh, but then he nodded.

“Okay. I can do that.” If it made him feel a little bit better about this situation, then Liam would be happy. Also, for selfish reasons, he kinda wanted Niall to wait for him at uni because it would limit the time where he could potentially change his mind about staying with Liam. “I’ll just… text you.”

“We’ll still see each other in the morning.” Liam reminded him with a smile, feeling a little bit better now. It seemed he was the only one though.

“Right, yeah.” The boy agreed, his face red, and Liam decided it was really time to leave now.

“Okay, I’m going to bed… if you need anything just knock or make some noise. You can eat whatever is in the fridge if you get hungry. I usually get up at around 7:30.” Just so Niall knew, Liam didn’t wanna come marching in here waking him, but it would have kind of been unavoidable.

“Okay, me too… good night.” Niall said it first, so Liam returned it, and then, right before Liam had entered his bedroom, the boy spoke up one more time. “Liam.”

“Yeah?” Liam had almost run into the doorframe as he stopped, surprised.

“Thank you… and also I’m… “ Niall was now kneading his fingers, as if he was really nervous, and he probably was, judging by the way he was fighting to get out his words. “I’m sorry for how I behaved and what I said and about what happened… with Louis, when you were with your friend and- I told Louis to shut up and he just didn’t and I should have never told him about you, but I… I did, so… “

“You don’t have to apologize, Niall. It’s okay. I know why he reacted the way he did, I know why you told him and I know he was there for you the past couple of years… what happened between me and Louis though, it’s… it’s got nothing to do with what happened between you and I. I know he probably told you a lot about what happened after, but if you wanna know my side- if you wanna talk about it, we can.” Because Liam had a TON to say about it. 

“Okay, maybe, I… I just don’t know if… “ Niall then broke off, and there was no need for him to say what he was thinking, because Liam could see it in his face pretty much.

“I’m not saying this because I wanna influence what your relationship with Louis is like, or because I wanna make you choose who to believe. It doesn’t change anything, but if you have questions… you can ask them.” Even if, honestly, Liam wasn’t sure how he’d get through answering them without getting emotional.

“Thank you… “ Was all Niall said, and then they both fell into silence until Liam said good night once more, finally leaving the younger boy alone on his couch.

Liam closed his bedroom door slowly, silently, and once he was alone and lying in his bed, he realized he had never felt so damn weird. The walls were thick enough that he would have barely even heard Niall using the bathroom at night, and somehow that only made him even more nervous.

No idea why, because he was fairly certain Niall wouldn’t just get up and run away, and even if he had… it would have not been Liam’s place to tell him to stay. Well, a little bit, because then the front door would have been unlocked, which would have been problematic at night, but apart from that…

There was so much going on, so much that Niall had told him tonight, Liam had no idea how to process all of that, or how to even go to sleep now, or to work tomorrow, with all this terrible knowledge.

This situation was basically a disaster, and though Liam was still relieved at the same time that Niall seemed to be trusting him at least to SOME degree… he would have of course preferred for things to have gone very differently. But that would have required for him to have future vision 18 years ago, and even if he had had it… 

Liam knew that things could have still potentially gone to shit, and he hadn’t really had a choice either way. There was no need dwelling on it either, and yet he did, for at least 2 more hours. 

\-------------------------

The morning was alright, mostly because Liam had barely slept, so he felt a bit high waking up to his alarm, finding Niall already awake and dressed. He had also folded the blanket and packed away the clothes that had been drying, but Liam didn’t comment on any of it.

He got them both some breakfast and they had some small talk, about Niall’s work and his classes, and Liam was just relieved that Niall only took his backpack with him and left his travel bag by the couch. So he HAD to come back here tonight with Liam.

“Are you really going to find the way? I can drive you somewhere.” Liam still had 15 minutes left, and it was a short drive to the university. He could have also come a bit late, but his first appointment was at 9 and he needed to get some things done before that. “The bus station is over there.”

“I’ll walk, I looked it up last night and I know this street anyways. It just looked really different when it was dark last night.” Niall seemed confident, so Liam believed him.

“Alright, well… see you tonight? Just text me, okay? I’ll finish work at around 6.” Actually, Niall could have also looked that up on the university website, but Liam wanted to make sure that he knew though he had already told him last night as well.

“Okay, I will.” He agreed, and then they said their goodbyes before Liam got into his car, his head still full of so many thoughts and worries that he had no idea how to get through this day and function.

This was just crazy, wasn’t it? A couple weeks ago, Liam had thought he’d never see Niall or Louis again, and now they were both back in his life, kind of, but it had gone so differently than he would have ever hoped or thought. And not really in a good way.

At the same time though… maybe Liam should have just been glad that Niall had come back into his life at all, because all the odds had been against it, and the longer he thought about it, the more it felt like a miracle. 

Was it stupid that he was excited about having Niall staying with him? Definitely, but Liam couldn’t turn off these emotions, he couldn’t erase the past, and he couldn’t deny that he would have still done anything for this boy.

\---------------------

“You’re early.” Niall’s co-worker seemed surprised to see him, most likely because Niall had never been on time for his shifts at this store. Like, ever.

Pretty bold considering how badly he needed it, but it genuinely was never on purpose.

“Yeah, I… I woke up early today.” Not a lie. 

Niall had spent the entire night awake, pretty much. Liam had given him his WIFI password, so Niall had been watching YouTube videos to take his mind off, so maybe he could find some peace and rest. Absolutely not a chance. 

Truth was, he could still not believe it. He could not believe that he had run into Liam, so randomly but under these circumstances, he could not believe what he looked like now and though the memories of his face as a child had long faded, Niall was still somehow surprised. Most of all, he could not believe how kind Liam was, how caring and how genuine, how much it didn’t fit to what Louis had predicted he would be like if they ever saw him again.

On the other hand… it fit to these memories that Niall had, the ones he had started to doubt over the years, because how would he have known they were real? Sure, there were really prominent memories of certain events or days that he was 100% certain about, but after having spent some time with Liam last night, Niall felt like maybe all of them were real, even the ones he felt like he had only dreamed or made up in his mind. The ones that had possibly become distorted because he had been so young and because it had been so many years.

But maybe, just maybe, Louis had been wrong. At least about a few things.

“Can you work cash today? I really don’t feel like it.” Niall’s co-worker complained after they had both been silent for a moment, getting ready to open the store.

“Sure, whatever.” Niall honestly didn’t care what he had to do most days, but especially today. 

It was a small store, with only 10 employees that worked in rotation and a manager that barely talked to them. Reason being, barely anyone ever came here so no one ever had a reason to request a manager. The store sold various instruments and just music related things, but because it was so small that people didn’t really bother coming and rather ordered online or shopped somewhere else. 

Because of that, the owner had also rented out some space to allow for packages to be dropped off by the postal service, so people who lived in the area could come pick them up in case they missed the delivery, kind of like a PO box. It was really stupid, but it was probably what kept this place running and brought the most people in anyways.

Still, it was really only a question of time when they’d close down, but Niall honestly didn’t care so much. Finding a part time job as a student had never been a problem so far, it had been much, much harder before. Especially when he had been looking for something fulltime.

Niall had been bothered by it at first, that suddenly, just because he was a student, possible employers seemed to make more exceptions, seemed to not question his entire existence anymore. Suddenly, they had become understanding.

Then again, could Niall have really blamed them, looking at his own CV? All the lies he had told during interviews in his life? Now when he talked about having struggled at school and having been to multiple foster families, he was no longer a risk to hire, but rather a success story because he had somehow still made it to uni, as if that was all that mattered to people. 

It probably did to most of them, talking from Niall’s experience.

_Lou 02:34  
Seriously what the fuck niall??? Pick up your DAMN phone or text me back_

That was the last message anyone had sent Niall since last night and it was weighing heavily on his mind. He had never answered, not Louis and not anyone, especially not _him_ … he had nothing to say right now.

At the same time, Niall knew that they would all be angry once they found out who he had gone to for help. Well, at least Louis would be, but he’d be angry for 10 people at once. More so, he’d be absolutely _furious_.

So Niall had quickly decided that Louis could never find out, because if he did he’d again tell Niall all these things about Liam that may or may not be true, but they’d make him be doubtful for sure. Niall didn’t wanna doubt Liam right now though, he really wanted to believe he was who he said he was.

And in the end… did it matter who he believed? Did it matter if he was dependent on Louis or Liam if he had to be dependent on someone anyways? Also, so many years had passed, they were children then and Louis had no idea what Liam was like today anyways.

At least Liam didn’t- no, that was unfair, that was wrong to think. Louis had been there for Niall, all those years, he had-

“Are you just gonna stand there or what? There are cameras everywhere, the manager probably watches those whenever she’s in the back for 5 hours.” Niall’s coworker interrupted as she walked past him with a box full of whatever and Niall rolled his eyes at her, turning on the computer. 

He’d probably sell a maximum of 3 things today and hand over 300 packages right before his shift was over, it really seemed not worth all the hazzle anyways. No idea why they had to work in shifts of two anyways, but then again, if they didn’t, Niall would have been out of a job, so there was that.

Standing around all day was surely boring, but he also wouldn’t have wanted to bust his ass for that little money either.

The day went by slowly as ever, Niall spent most of it chatting to his coworker, pretending to clean, talking to this old lady that sometimes came in and playing games on his phone. He didn’t text anyone back, in fact, he put his phone on airplane mode for now.

He had to work, what did his friends expect?

“Hi.” Some man came in randomly around midday, an hour or so before Niall’s shift would be over and he’d have to go to uni for that one class he dreaded. At least just that one, the class he usually had after only took place every second week, which was nice, but then again, he’d have to stay at uni anyways, until Liam got off of work and- god, Niall didn’t wanna think about this right now.

“Hi. Can I help you?” Niall tried to sound a BIT enthusiastic at least, but he probably failed quite terribly.

“Yeah, actually… I wanted to pick up a package, but I don’t know if this is the right place, I-“

“It is. I know it’s weird.” Niall explained, just like he had to so many other people before. “Did you bring the notification slip from the post?”

“I did.” The man nodded, looking for it in his pockets, then he suddenly stopped, looking around. “Actually, before I do that, do you also sell stuff for kids? I’ve got a niece whose really into music right now.”

“My colleague can help you with that, she’s over there.” Niall referred him to the back, going back to blankly staring at the clock on the other side of the wall. He tried to block out that conversation his co-woker was having with this man, about Christmas presents for kids or whatever. Niall hated nothing more in this world than Christmas.

Thinking about it was giving him a migraine though, and it reminded him of Liam yet again, and this stupid toy car he had kept, and the fact that Niall accidentally told him he had kept this hoodie last night and- no. Enough.

Maybe this man discussing children’s instruments had come in 2 minutes ago, maybe 10 or 15, Niall didn’t know, all he knew was that one second he was actively trying not to think about Liam, the next he was suddenly staring into Louis’ face as his friend entered the store.

Oh fucking hell, Niall was not in the mood for this.

“So, you’re not dead.” Was the first thing Louis said and Niall rolled his eyes, trying to pretend that he was busy. “Where did you spend last night?”

“Why do you need to know that?” Niall gave up, his voice shaky but he was attempting to sound tough. At the same time it was in his best interest if they kept this civil and their voices low, not only because of Niall’s co-worker, but also the customer. And the cameras of course.

“Fine, don’t tell me. Why are you not answering your phone then? You know Will told me what happened, right?” How could he have not? Will would have told Louis if Niall had done as much as looked at him the wrong way just so he could blow it out of proportion.

“So? It had nothing to do with you, we had a fight, that’s all.” And then it had escalated, pretty badly, and now Niall was standing here with a bandaged hand and bruises on his face. To be fair, the hand had been his own fault, it had been dark and Niall had been crying when he had left, and the bruises were a few days old, but last night had only been the climax of stuff that had been going on for months so it was still all connected.

Louis took a deep breath, probably so he wouldn’t start yelling. He had come to the counter now, so close that Niall could smell that he had had a cigarette outside, or maybe it was the smell of the bar still stuck on his clothes as usual. It was hard to tell sometimes.

“… what happened to your face?” He asked after a moment, his voice now calmer, and Niall shrugged.

“What do you think?” He gave back coldly, only looking at Louis for a single moment before pretending to be working on the computer again. They both knew what had happened.

“He said you flushed his stash down the toilet and slapped him across the face in front of his friend a few days ago.” So what if Niall had?

“I know what happened, I was there. Why does it matter? That wasn’t even last night.” Of COURSE Will had only told Louis what Niall had done, what would excuse him hurting Niall back, and not what had happened before, not what had been building up for weeks, months, and had finally boiled over last night.

“Because clearly, a lot of things are going on lately and you ran off last night and we were all worried, Niall.” Worried… really? “I know you guys fight a lot, but last night sounded very different. It didn’t sound like such a big deal when he told me...so why did you leave?”

“Maybe it’s not a big deal and I just left because I felt like it. It never is a big deal to him anyways.” To be fair, maybe it hadn’t been, but Louis didn’t have the full backstory, he didn’t know the details of this relationship or whatever it was and Niall could never tell him.

And Will knew that, or he would have long stopped.

“Are you gonna go back and make up?” Louis asked after a moment of silence, he was clearly trying not to get angry, but Niall didn’t care. It was none of his business, none at all.

“No.” He simply told his friend before looking Louis up and down for a second.

The man was now leaning against the counter, he was wearing this jean jacket with all the holes that Niall hated so much because it reminded him of too many nights out, too many regrets. Louis also had his sleeves pushed up despite the fact that it was the end of November, and he had probably been freezing walking here, but it seemed to be worth having his stupid tattoos on expose or whatever.

Yes, Niall was pissed off with him, and he wasn’t even sure why. Had it something to do with Liam? Maybe.

More silence, the conversation of Niall’s co-worker and the customer still somehow present in the back, but Niall was blocking it out, concentrating on an empty file on the computer again. Why had Louis come? Could he not just leave him alone?

“… why did you not come to me?” Louis finally asked the question, and he didn’t even sounded disappointed or mad, just genuinely confused.

Niall got it.

There had been a time in his life where he had always come to Louis, in the middle of the night when he had thought he could not take it anymore, or just for distraction, or for free drinks whenever Louis was working at the bar. Since he had started uni and especially since he had moved in with Will, that had become less and less.

Not because Niall had started to feel better, but because he had reflected a lot, and him bumping into Liam again… it had changed something inside of him, and though he wasn’t quite sure what, it was like something had just _clicked_. So now Niall felt even more irritable than usually.

“I know it sucks whenever you have to choose a side.” Was the only excuse he could eventually come up with. “Also, I know you had work last night and I didn’t wanna sit in the bar until 5 in the morning… how are you even awake right now anyways?”

“I couldn’t really sleep.” He wasn’t the only one with that problem. Only Louis’ reasons were a lot more serious and didn’t just consist of worries and future anxieties, but Niall had long given up on trying to make him address those issues. “I’m not choosing sides, it’s not like that and you know it. But who did you go to then?”

“To a friend from uni.” Not a lie… right? At least not fully. 

“Who?” Louis kept pushing, and Niall was afraid he would eventually just be able to read it in his face, so he had to lie better.

“You don’t know her, she lives in the dorms on campus.” He continued, shrugging. “She was really surprised, but we worked on a couple projects together, so… “

“And you’re gonna go back there tonight? You know you have to eventually talk to him, right? You can’t just-“

“Um, sorry for interrupting.” The customer had come back, holding some box with some musical toy for toddlers. Niall had never seen it before, which was worrying considering he worked here.

“You’re not.” Niall quickly told him, embarrassed that he hadn’t even noticed the man standing there. “I’m glad you found something.”

“Yeah, I figured she’s only 3, she’ll enjoy anything.” The man joked and Niall forced a laugh, briefly glaring at Louis when he didn’t step away from the counter as the customer came over as well to hand Niall the box. God, he could be so damn rude sometimes. 

“Right… and do you have the notification slip as well?” Niall was just glad he remembered.

“Ah, right. Thanks for the reminder.” Because the man was so close to Louis and basically squeezed in between him and the wall, he bumped into him with his elbow in search for the slip and Niall panicked. “Sorry.”

Louis didn’t answer, neither did he budge, and Niall just HAD to speak up. “Can you move, Lou?”

“Why? I was here first.” Jesus Christ.

“I’ll be out here in a second, mate, my lunch break is almost over anyways.” The stranger took it with humor, but Niall was furious.

He could see Louis staring this man up and down, the suit he was wearing, the fact that he was probably some really rich and posh guy. Niall knew people like that were pissing Louis off more easily than anything else in this world.

“Ah, shit… I think I forgot it somewhere.” The man eventually sighed, but Niall decided to throw the policy over board. Technically, he did not need that paper anyways.

“Just tell me your name then, it’s not that important.” A little bit, but Niall wanted to keep this man happy and not request the manager because Louis was being a dick. 

“Styles. Harry. Should be a small package.” He told Niall, who nodded, a little afraid to go into the back and leave these two alone, but what was he going to do?

“I’ll be right back.” Niall said it more like a warning for Louis, throwing another glare at him before he left.

There were around 30 packages that had accumulated over the past few days, but they were easy to keep track off. The closer it got to Christmas though, Niall assumed there’d be more. He wouldn’t know though, he had only been working here for a couple months.

He found the package rather quickly, which was a big relief, but right upon walking back out into the front, Niall could tell he had still been away for too long.

“-just saying, I’m not your _mate_.” So Louis had really just picked a fight with this random man because he was pissed at Niall? Amazing.

“No need to be this aggressive.” The man gave back, now not sounding all too amused anymore and Niall was a little bit afraid of what had been said when he had been gone. Luckily his co-worker had disappeared to the bathroom or the stock room.

“Is this it?” Niall asked, interrupting their conversation.

Louis had still not moved, but neither had this other man, so they were both standing there at the counter as Niall handed him the package, neither of them willing to back away now. God, how much worse could this week get? 

“That’s it, thank you so much.” At least he was still nice to Niall, and smiling at him, so Niall decided to completely ignore their exchange. What would he have said or done anyways?

It took a moment for him to scan what the man was buying because the machine was again lagging, but that was still long enough for the situation to escalate yet again.

“Would you mind moving for a second? I can barely get my things.” The stranger finally asked Louis himself, but Louis simply laughed like a cocky asshole. Sometimes he could be.

“Why? Are you afraid I’m gonna snatch your wallet out of your hand or something?” To be fair… if Niall hadn’t known Louis, he would have been afraid of that as well. And also… even though he did know him really well, he wouldn’t have put it past him.

“No, but I am trying to buy something and you’re almost breathing down my neck here. From what it looks like, you’re not even a customer.” Oh no, why had he felt a need to add that?!

“Why’s that matter to you, _mate?_ Just get your shit and get out of here, we have something private to discuss.” No, no, no-

“Well, _sorry_ for that, I was under the impression this is a store, not your private space.” Shit.

“It is and I’m so sorry for all of this.” Niall quickly threw in, not really knowing what to do anymore. Louis was the most stubborn person on this planet, especially if someone rubbed him the wrong way.

“Why are you apologizing to him?” Louis just HAD to ask, and then add something under his breath that was of course meant for everyone to be heard. “Some people really do think they can put on some ugly ass suit and everyone’s gotta bow down to them… “

“Ah, so it’s my clothes that are bothering you?” The man asked, now half sounding amused again, and Niall barely dared to whisper the price of the product to the customer. “Got it. For someone who thinks I’m stereotyping them for the way they look, you do an awful lot of that yourself. Mate. I’ll pay with card, thanks.”

The last part was directed at Niall, and it seemed the man was now just trying to flex on Louis as he pulled out his credit card instead of cash. Louis rolled his eyes and Niall just wanted to die at this point.

“Do you need a bag?” He still had to pretend at least that this was normal.

“No, thank you.” The man smiled at Niall, pulling out some foldable re-usable bag, seemingly on full purpose, and then he also took ages to pack everything up while Louis was trying to intimidate him with glares. It didn’t seem to be working in any shape or form. “Thanks for the help. Have a nice day.”

“You too… “ Niall tried to look apologetic before the man finally left, and Louis luckily kept his mouth shut, but he did look after the stranger and Niall was certain their eyes met one more time. Thank god this was over, now Niall could let his rage roam free as soon as he was alone with Louis. “Leave. Right now.”

“What if I don’t? You still haven’t told me who the person you’re staying with is.” Louis was now a lot more aggressive than before, the whole situation clearly having riled him up.

To make matters worse, Niall’s co-worker was back, though busy stacking a shelf, but only for now.

“I told you, you don’t know her. And even if you did, it’s none of your fucking business, Lou. Actually, none of this is, what’s it to you who I have fights with or why? Or where I sleep? I’m working right now, you have no business talking like that to customers or behaving this way, it could literally get me fired. Do you even care about that?” Clearly not.

“Excuse me?! Sorry if I was worried about you all night and this morning, no one knew where you were or if anything had happened. And you’re just here at work giving me attitude because I came to check on you. I don’t give a flying fuck about some posh guy that will never come back here anyways, he should’ve just kept his mouth shut, I’ve got no nerves to deal with people like that today. Or ever.” Clearly.

“I don’t need you to check on me. I’m fine, as you can see, and I have to work now. So leave.” Niall insisted, raising his voice just a bit and he knew his co-worker was now listening but he didn’t care anymore.

“Fine, I’ll go. But don’t call me crying again when something else happens. See who’s got your back then.” He half spat the words out, they didn’t phase Niall at all in that moment, but what Louis added afterwards out of spite surely did. “Maybe you can book a therapy session with Liam to talk about your problems next time. He’s surely a great counsellor until he decides he doesn’t care anymore and abandons you. Wouldn’t be the first time, would it?”

With those words, Louis turned on the spot and left the store, leaving Niall behind feeling sick to his stomach.

He knew Louis had chosen these words specifically to hurt Niall because he was pissed off, that maybe he’d apologize in a couple days, but it didn’t matter. It didn’t mean his words were wrong, and if Louis had known it was Liam who Niall was staying with… he would have probably never talked to him again.

“What was that about? Who was that guy? He looked like he was gonna rob this place... which can’t be true because we have nothing worth stealing.” Niall’s co-worker asked after they were alone once more, but he simply shrugged.

“Just someone I know from uni… “ He lied, although Louis looked a lot older than him, and he was a whole 7 years older, but none of that mattered anyways, not right now.

Niall knew Louis was mad at him for ignoring him, that maybe he had genuinely been worried, and that he couldn’t be mad at Louis for not knowing the whole story and build up to Niall’s fight with Will, because Niall was purposely not telling him, but at the same time… he could be mad at Louis for lots of other things.

Then again, if he was mad at Louis, not speaking with Will and their other shared friends, as well as doubting Liam on top of it all… what did that leave Niall with? Or who? There was nothing and no one. He didn’t even have a bed to sleep in and all of his possessions fit into a single bag and backpack.

The thought had already crossed Niall’s mind last night and threatened to choke him out of fear, right before it had wandered to Liam and he had then clung to that tiny bit of hope that the man was who he was in Niall’s memories, the one he had claimed to be those few times they had talked since that day in his office.

The choices were limited, and Niall would go back to Liam’s tonight, because if he wasn’t sure anymore who or what to believe, why did it matter who he chose in the end? He had nowhere else to go, and Liam had a normal job, he seemed to be very caring, living an average life, which was more than Niall could have said about most other people he knew, including Louis.

And also… Niall liked Liam. Even if he had been trying really hard not to.

\------------------------

Niall felt even more distracted now that Louis had been here, so luckily no one came into the store anymore until he had to leave anyways and someone else took over. The whole way to uni, Niall sat on the bus staring at his phone, mindlessly scrolling through those messages he had received last night, not only from Louis but of course also Will.

He felt no need to answer Louis anymore after what had just happened, and he did think of telling Will to leave him the fuck alone, but then he decided not to. They were both very explosive personalities, and while Louis had never put a hand on Niall or purposely done things against his will, Niall could definitely not say this about the other man.

So he was not texting back both out of anger but also fear and self care.

He kinda wished he would have not told Liam as much as he had last night, especially not those things that not even Louis knew, but it had all happened in the moment, Niall had been emotional and embarrassed and it was like… being around Liam had somehow made him talkative, he had made it feel easy to just say more than planned.

Maybe that also came from the fact that Niall had not really had anyone to talk to, like, ever. At least not someone who he knew understood, someone who he didn’t have to fear would completely freak out and start yelling or cross the lines like Louis always did. 

At the same time, Niall knew he was walking a very dangerous path putting so much trust into a man he did not even know. Sadly, Niall had done that more than once in the past before. This time though… it felt different.

This was Liam, as many years as they had spent apart, Niall still felt that inevitably, they would always be part of each other and that was something he could really only say about Louis and Liam himself.

Niall’s seminar went by like nothing, and then Niall sat in one of the designated study areas without actually doing any work. He should have, he had lots of homework, presentations and exams coming up, but his head was filled with too many other things.

No idea how he had even come this far at university.

Shortly before 6, Niall slowly made his way to where Liam’s office was, feeling a little defeated and still embarrassed about this whole situation, but a lot better than yesterday.

The door was half open, so Niall saw that no student was inside and Liam was already packing up his things. Niall had already texted him hours ago that he would come to meet him here, so he didn’t feel too strange only lightly knocking at the half open door before standing in the doorway.

“Hi… “ Niall tried, his heart beating a bit uncomfortably fast for various reasons.

“Hi. Are you okay?” Liam was smiling when he asked, briefly, before he focused on packing his things again and Niall thought that no, he was not okay, but for Liam’s sake…

“I guess so.” He had been worse, let’s put it that way. “You?”

“Me too… I think.” He looked a bit stressed, maybe worried, Niall wasn’t all too sure. He could imagine that Liam had a lot of questions still, and he KNEW that he would have asked them all had Niall given him permission and not acted this closed off, but… he just couldn’t let lose and decide to talk about his entire childhood trauma now.

And then there were these issues with Louis and Will and just all of it made Niall not ever wanna talk again.

“I’d suggest we just don’t go to the grocery store because I really don’t feel like it, but my fridge is literally empty.” It was probably supposed to be a joke, but Niall could confirm that it was true. Only out of boredom, he had opened Liam’s fridge last night at around 2 in the morning and well… it HAD been empty. “But you can definitely make suggestions if you have food preferences for later.”

“Um, I really don’t, and you don’t have to make me anything at all or-“

“Niall.” Liam cut him off, looking at him. “Do you really think it’s any trouble at all, if I’m gonna be making dinner for myself anyways? Or that I would simply eat in front of you?”

“Well… no, but… “ Then Niall shrugged, feeling his cheeks growing hot as he looked away quickly. Obviously he knew all these things, but he still felt really stupid and weird at the same time. No matter what Liam could have said, it wouldn’t have gotten any better. “Just, um… I eat anything, so…”

“Okay.” Liam thankfully let him be then, because by now Niall knew that apparently Liam was really not bothered by his presence, but it had also only been 1 night, so… and Niall obviously wouldn’t stay forever, he needed to find a more permanent solution, and if that involved going to Louis, then… Niall would probably have to do it. 

Choosing between living with Louis or Will was basically pointless, both exclusively had downsides that did not outweigh each other. That was how Niall had gotten into this situation in the first place, and yes, he had other friends, but none who would have let him live with them for long periods, with no rent, so there was that.

The dorms would have been an option, but Niall had missed the deadlines to apply and also, he would have basically chosen not to eat, so of course living with someone for free had been the best possible option.

Now, he wasn’t sure anymore.

“How was work? And uni?” Liam asked once he had locked his office door, and Niall shrugged a bit.

“Kinda boring.” Not that he remembered any of it. Spontaneously, he decided Liam should probably know about what had happened today, Niall kinda owed him this much. Also… he knew that Liam’s opinion of Louis was really bad, and he didn’t know why, but he kinda wanted to change that in that moment. “Umm… Louis randomly came to the store I work at… to check up on me.”

“Okay… did you tell him you’re staying with me?” Liam had needed a moment to form the question, they were now walking through the empty university building towards the parking lot.

“No… I told him I’m staying with one of my classmates from uni… “ Just so he knew, in case he bumped into Louis again. Another reason why Niall had felt a need to tell Liam, because he felt obliged to warn him at the same time. “The thing is, um… he was mad because he said he was really worried about me and- and he asked why I didn’t come to him, and like- some customer came in at the same time and Louis was kinda rude to him, but- anyways, uh, Louis is really pissed off. And if you ever run into him again, uh, I just wanted to like, warn you. Like, just… just don’t engage with him.”

There was silence between them and Niall wanted to take it all back. He had only made Louis look even worse now, hadn’t he?

“He really cares about me, it’s not like he’s always just mad at me or someone else.” Niall tried to continue, quickly realizing now though that there was no use. He sounded as if he was defending a prosecuted criminal at this point. 

“I never doubted that.” Liam told him slowly, and Niall could tell that the man took so many breaks between answering because he was weighing his words, because he was unsure of how to talk to Niall. Maybe Niall should have tried that some time, like, think before speaking. “Look… if I ever run into Louis then what happens, happens. But I’d never say anything about you to him, and I don’t care what he says to me. He already let me know his opinion of me anyways.”

“I know… “ God, Niall should have never told Louis about Liam, but that day he had been so enraged and confused and why the hell had Liam gone on a walk that night anyways? “I tried to talk to him about it, but he’s… he’s not very open to conversation.”

“I figured.” Liam’s face had gotten harder when Niall checked, and he really regretted having started this. But he had had to make sure that Liam never told Louis about Niall staying with him, so it would have really been best for Liam to just avoid him and keep walking if he ever saw him again. “… why did you not go to him? Why’d he think you would? I thought he knows why you don’t wanna live with him.”

“Umm… “ Right, about that… “He knows, um, a couple of the reasons, but, uh… there are things I can’t really- that I can’t say to him, because it would only piss him off and- anyways, it’s… it’s complicated.”

“And you’re scared I would use it as a reason to dislike him?” Liam finished Niall’s thought for him and Niall blushed. Thank god they were already in the parking lot.

“I don’t really think you need any more reasons to dislike him… he gave you plenty himself… “ Niall sighed, wanting to cry right now. All of this was so frustrating. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” He sounded genuinely confused, already searching for his car keys. Thank god.

“I don’t know. All of this. It’s my fault and- and it feels like I’m just-“ Niall broke off then, because his throat suddenly felt really tight, but he swallowed around it, telling himself it did not matter anymore anyways. “Like I’m just a burden in everybody’s life, you know? And I’m not saying it because I want pity or- I’m just sorry.”

“Niall, you’re not a-“

“Can we just go grocery shopping?” Niall interrupted, reaching out for the door handle of the passenger side of the car because Liam had unlocked it, but the man put his hand on the door, keeping it closed and making Niall look at him on accident. The parking lot was barely lit, but he could see Liam’s face pretty well either way.

“You’re not a burden. Okay? Don’t apologize for all these things that are not your fault, or for _existing_. Louis is a grown man, he makes his own decisions, he has his own brain to think, you don’t need to defend him or apologize for him.” Sometimes, Niall wasn’t sure about those things, but that was a whole other conversation. “Besides that, I don’t care about what he said and I would never say a single word about you to him. Or about anything you told me. I care about you, and so does Louis, and it doesn’t mean you need to try and mediate between us, this is not about that. I can promise you, you’re not a burden to me, and certainly not to Louis or he would have not come to check up on you.”

Was Niall so pathetic he now needed Liam to tell him that Louis cared about him? That he now needed Liam to comfort him by telling him that Louis couldn’t be that bad of a person?! Not that Niall thought that, but god, now it sounded like he did.

“That’s not what I meant, just- I don’t know. I feel bad because… “ Niall made some movement with his hand, he had now let go of the door handle, stepped a bit away from Liam so it wouldn’t be strange. 

He felt bad because he had let Louis tell him that Liam was an awful person, because he had been rude to Liam and was now begging for his help, because he doubted Louis’ words and actions when the man had been helping him through his worst times during the past few years and because now, he was going behind his back. It felt like he was just picking out what suited himself the most, with no regards to anyone else’s feelings when HE was the one who needed everyone else to help him.

“I know.” Liam could maybe guess it, maybe not, but he seemed to think he knew _something_ , so Niall let him. “But what Louis and I think of each other has nothing to do with you and it never did.”

“I still feel bad.” Niall insisted, because it was true, and his throat still felt tight. “And I’m still sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize to me, for anything. I’m the one who should apologize.” When Liam said it his voice sounded hurt and Niall realized by acting the way he did, he made Liam feel guilty. And maybe he should have felt guilty, Niall didn’t even know anymore. 

“No.” He told him in the end, because honestly, this was getting ridiculous. “You were 11 years old. You didn’t do it to hurt me.”

“But I did hurt you. And if I hadn’t done it, you might have had a very different life.” Possibly. Niall had thought about it many times, but there was no use in thinking about all that could have been.

“I could have had a worse life or a better life. No one knows, it doesn’t matter. I’m… I’m not bitter about it. I was for a really long time, and I still was when we met at your office, but that had a lot to do with the shock and Louis and- but now I’m not. So you don’t have to apologize for something that happened when we were kids. We’re adults now.” Even if sometimes Niall didn’t feel like it.

There was a moment of silence, and Niall just waited, kinda starting to feel cold, but then Liam cracked half a smile. “It’s kinda hard for me to see you as an adult.”

“That’s not my problem.” Niall joked to brighten the mood, but all he thought about was that Louis always said the same thing to him. “Can we stop apologizing to each other and get in the car now? I’m really cold.”

“Right, yeah, I almost forgot.” Liam then let him get the door before walking around to get in on the other side, throwing his bag somewhere into the back seat. Before he started the car though, he hesitated for another moment before looking at Niall. “Don’t ever think you’re a burden. You’re not. And I know you don’t want to talk about that, but if you ever change your mind about what we talked about at my office when you came in the first time, then my offer still stands.”

“Thank you… “ There was really nothing else for Niall to say, he quickly looked down at his lap where he was holding his bag, blushing like mad.

Before Liam finally started the car, he took another second, and before Niall knew it, the man had reached over to ruffle his hair, briefly and softly, but it still caused chills all over the younger boy’s body.

A lot had changed, but if Niall really thought about it in depth, then they were still the same people on the inside, with the same dynamics and problems like all those years ago.

\----------------------------

_“What are you doing?” Niall was really bored because they had come back early and barely anyone was here yet and one of the mean men was making Liam help with something, so it was only Niall and Louis waiting until it was time to get food. Niall was so hungry, he almost wanted to cry._

_“I’m practicing.” Louis told him and Niall watched him for another moment, then his eyes went huge._

_“Is that a real knife?!” Niall gasped, because that was _dangerous_! _

_“What else would it be?” The older boy laughed at him, throwing it one more time, and it got stuck in the wall. This was not like a real house, there were lots of holes and dirt and it was always cold, but at least they never got told off if they made something dirty or broke something. “Do you wanna try?”_

_“No, that’s dangerous.” Niall shook his head immediately, even though he was a little bit curious._

_“Only if you don’t know how to use it. I’ll show you.” Louis waved him over, and Niall hesitated, because he knew he shouldn’t, but then again… Louis was a lot older than him and if he said it was fine, then it probably was._

_“Why do you need a knife?” Only people who cooked needed knives, but no one here ever cooked anything. Niall’s mom had also never cooked, only pasta, but then she had fallen asleep one time and the firemen had come and the police and Niall had cried the whole night long._

_Niall still missed his mommy, but it had been a long, long time since he had seen her, and she had never had as much time for him as Liam, she had also told him off whenever he had asked to sleep in her bed and she had also always pulled her hand away from his. Liam didn’t. And he also always cared about Niall and made him laugh and he had even given him a present for Christmas and Niall loved him like a real big brother._

_If his mommy would come to pick him up, Niall was determined that he would not go with her unless she took Liam as well._

_“Some people are really evil and they wanna hurt you, so you gotta be faster than them.” Was Louis saying Niall should hurt someone with a knife?!_

_“But… “ Niall was shocked, he didn’t know what to say. “But why would anybody be so mean?”_

_“That’s just how some people are, Nialler. Usually adults. And we’re a lot smaller than them, so we gotta have some way to defend ourselves, right?” He made it sound logical, even to Niall. “Here, try it.”_

_So Niall did, and it was a little bit of fun trying to throw the knife to get it to stick in the wall, so he almost forgot what Louis had said about all those mean people that were trying to hurt them._

_“What are you doing?!” A few minutes later, Liam had come back, and Niall flinched so much that he dropped the knife._

_“We’re practicing how to use a knife. You probably should, too.” Louis told Liam, picking up the knife, and Niall was so happy to see Liam, he immediately ran over to hug him tight, burrowing his face in the boy’s shirt._

_Liam didn’t hug him back very tightly, and Niall was really confused because he sounded mad. “No?! Are you crazy, Lou? You gave Niall a KNIFE?”_

_“So? It’s not your choice if I do, I’m helping him to protect himself.” Were they fighting because of Niall?!_

_“Please don’t yell.” Niall quickly pulled away from Liam, scared as he looked between Liam and Louis. Had he done something wrong?_

_“From what?! From who? He shouldn’t be handling a knife! He could have seriously injured himself. I told you to keep that knife away from him.” Oh, Liam was REALLY mad now and Niall felt tears forming in his eyes._

_“I’m sorry, Li.” He told him quickly, reaching out for his hand because he was afraid Liam would just pull it away. He didn’t, but he still looked very mad._

_“You don’t have to apologize to him, Niall, you can make your own decisions. And it’s good to know how to defend yourself. Apparently Liam doesn’t care if someone wants to hurt you or not.” What?!_

_“But I-“_

_“Shut the fuck up, Louis! Don’t you dare say those things, ever. You think you’re super cool, huh? With your stupid ass knife, as if you would ever be able to really defend yourself with it. Niall never goes anywhere without me, I’m protecting him, he doesn’t need a bloody knife.” They were still talking very loudly and Niall’s tears were about to spill over, he was squeezing Liam’s hand really tightly, afraid that he was mad at him._

_“And how are _you_ going to protect him, hm? ‘sides, he will get older too and the boss will most likely decide he won’t need a babysitter when he’s at a certain age, then neither me nor you will be with him all the time anymore. That’s just how it is, he’s gotta be able to defend himself. But I’m not gonna put up a fight with you over that, I don’t care that much.” Louis shrugged before continuing to practice with his knife, and Liam didn’t answer anymore._

_Niall looked up at him, confused and sad, but Liam’s face was just very empty. Then he suddenly pulled his hand away._

_“I need to use the bathroom for a second, Ni.” He told him, and then he was gone and Niall felt really bad._

_He watched Louis for a minute before deciding to leave as well, curl up in his blanket in the other room, all by himself. Niall hated being alone, more than anything, and he rarely ever was, so this was even worse. Had he done something wrong? Was it his fault that Liam was mad? He knew knives were dangerous, but Louis had said it was okay…_

_The others came back as well a while later, and Liam was still very distant to Niall, which really hurt him. Niall still stuck by his side when they were eating, and Louis was sitting with the much older kids, but he always did that._

_When it was time to go to bed, Niall was a little bit afraid to lie close to Liam, but he couldn’t really sleep without him and he also felt like crying so he still cuddled up to the older boy._

_“Li?” Niall whispered because they hadn’t really talked anymore._

_“What?” Liam whispered back, but he didn’t move away so Niall cuddled even closer._

_“I’m sorry… did I do something wrong? Are you mad at me?” It felt like he was and it was a really, really bad feeling._

_There was a deep sigh, and then Liam suddenly put his arms around Niall to hold him and the younger boy relaxed. So he wasn’t mad at him._

_“No, Ni… I’m not. I’m just mad at Louis, that’s all. But it’s not your fault, okay? Promise.” But it had been about Niall, he had heard it._

_“… does somebody really wanna hurt us?” Niall was still thinking about it and it was really scaring him a lot._

_“No, Nialler, and even if anybody wanted to hurt you then I would protect you, you don’t have to worry. Just try and sleep.” Liam was holding him a lot more tightly now and Niall wanted to really believe him, but it all sounded weird._

_“But why did Louis say that? And why did he say when I’m older I won’t be going with you anymore? I don’t wanna be with anybody else.” It was almost making Niall cry just to think about it, he burrowed himself more deeply into Liam, pressing his eyes closed._

_“He was just mad, he didn’t mean it, okay? And next time when you see him with a knife… don’t let him talk you into taking it. It’s very, very dangerous, yeah? You can really hurt yourself with it.” Liam was stroking Niall’s hair now, it was very calming and Niall relaxed a little bit._

_“Okay… but Louis doesn’t want me to get hurt, right?” Suddenly, Niall wasn’t sure anymore. And he would trust anything that Liam said._

_“No, no, he doesn’t Nialler. He cares about you, and I do too. But… me and Louis don’t always agree on everything. But it has nothing to do with you, and it’s not your fault, okay?” If Liam said so, then it had to be true. “You should really sleep now, it’s very late.”_

_“Okay… love you.” Niall whispered, feeling comforted by the older boy’s words._

_“I love you too, Nialler… “ He mumbled as he ruffled his hair, still holding Niall tightly and Niall probably fell asleep a few minutes later._

_Liam and Louis did not talk for a few days, so Niall and Liam were alone and Niall asked Liam about it a few more times, but the older boy always told him it was nothing that he had to worry about. Niall felt a little bit bad and as if he had done something wrong, but he also enjoyed having Liam all to himself and getting to spend all day ever day with him._

_Niall liked Liam the very most out of all people he knew, but he still liked it better when they all got along and when Liam and Louis weren’t fighting with each other._

\---------------------

“… Niall?”

“Sorry, what?” Niall had been lost in thoughts when Liam said his name, he had mindlessly been pushing the shopping cart after the older man, feeling a little weird doing so but not in the worst way.

“Do you like cereal?” Liam repeated his question, and Niall had no idea why he asked.

“I, um, I don’t know.” He did, but he didn’t want Liam to buy anything for him. Then again, he had only asked his opinion. “I mean… who doesn’t?”

“Okay.” Apparently that was all the confirmation Liam had needed, because he suddenly smiled. “Lucky Charms?”

“I- I mean. They’re not bad.” Niall again tried to answer in a neutral way, but then he felt like he needed to speak up when Liam put the box into the cart. “But I don’t want you to get anything for me, I-“

“They’re for me, I just wanted your opinion.” He was lying, and he was grinning before continuing his way through the store, and there was nothing at all Niall could say to that.

His stomach felt a lot warmer though, and he realized he had never done anything like this, nothing that felt so… normal. Like, going grocery shopping on a Friday night, with another person that actually asked his opinion on things like cereal and it was like… it felt safe. Niall didn’t know how else to explain that feeling he got whenever he watched Liam’s back in front of him, reading his shopping list and comparing prices or whatever. That was it, the reason Niall had gone to Liam out of all people, the reason he felt this way around him. 

Liam was safe, he always had been.

For a moment there, Niall almost forgot their uncomfortable conversation and everything that had happened today, and it was easy to not feel guilty for it because he was mad at Louis anyways, but that very quickly changed when he received a text message a short while later, as if he had manifested it or something.

_Lou 18:48  
Im sorry for today and for what I said, I didn’t mean to hurt you. I don’t want you sleeping on some half strangers couch from uni and I promise if you come stay with me I wont tell Will about it either. I don’t pick sides, I am always on your side._

Great. So much for not feeling guilty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!
> 
> i just uploaded this chapter 4 times because something was always messed up and i hope this didnt mess with the already existing chapters D: please let me know if you notice anything!
> 
> i hope you guys liked the chapter, i always get very excited working on this fic! if anyones interesed, i actually keep actual track of the seasons/days in this fic and its a bit like the real time, its currently friday november 20 in this fic, and liam and niall met on october 30! this means i get to write actual christmas chapters for christmas time, which i am very excited about also haha!
> 
> also if anyone wants to guess why i actually gave the man niall was/is staying with the name Will, then you are more than welcome to! it has no actual relevance to the fic but i still felt kinda fake deep for coming up with it lmao
> 
> hope youre all staying safe and healthy, im back into lockdown tomorrow until who knows when, but its whatever at this point honestly.  
> love you guys & have a good week!!! <3


	5. Chapter 5

Niall seemed to be rather distracted while they were grocery shopping, but Liam just let him because he could guess where this was coming from. He was surprised that Niall had immediately told him about Louis and what had happened today, but that probably came from the fact that he was terrified of Louis and Liam ever running into each other again.

Liam would have not cared a single bit what Louis would say to him in that case, and maybe it was wrong to jump to conclusions, but he already had. In his mind, this was all Louis’ fault and he was determined to help Niall out of this situation.

He just wasn’t sure how exactly that was going to go down considering the circumstances, but… for today, he decided it might have been enough to get Niall to agree to stay a bit longer with him and to buy some foods he might possibly enjoy. Without telling him of course, he was just making some guesses.

“I don’t think I’ve ever bought this much stuff at once.” Niall laughed as they walked out of the store, and Liam felt bad because he had not even bought that much, but he had seen the boy’s face change at the price he had paid.

Honestly, for Liam it hadn’t even been that much, which maybe was sad but also not because he did have his own budget and he was quite good at saving actually. It only made him feel bad that Niall had to live life so differently than him and that this was probably still a lot better than it had been a couple years ago.

And that Liam had possibly contributed to the way it had turned out right after they had last seen each other.

“I usually only go once a week… “ Liam tried to somehow talk it better, but he wasn’t quite sure how that was working out. They only had 3 shopping bags and Niall had voluntarily taken two even when Liam had told him not to.

The drive home was fairly quiet, but also very short, Niall was on his phone most of the time and Liam silently scolded himself for being so damn curious, wanting to know who he was texting. Not that he genuinely wanted to know the contents of these text messages, he was simply worried Niall was texting this man that was abusing him, or Louis, who would then convince him to do god knows what.

Louis was a bad influence, that was the bottom line, no matter how Liam twisted and turned the situation, the older man always came out as the bad guy. 

“Do you have any foods that you really hate?” Liam finally asked once they were home and he dreaded having to unpack all the groceries.

“No, I really eat anything at all.” Niall told him again, just like before and the older man knew already that he wouldn’t get anything out of him regarding this. “Do you need any help? I don’t wanna, like, mess up your fridge order or something.”

“I’ll do it, thanks though. I’ll be quick.” And then Liam quickly realized that… what else would Niall be doing in the meantime? He probably WANTED to help so he wouldn’t just sit or stand around. “… but you can put those away, maybe? Second cabinet.”

So they worked out like this, Liam made sure to somehow involve Niall in the unpacking process before again asking his opinion on the food he planned on making. Of course Niall told him that he was sure he’d like it, and Liam just hoped that he wasn’t a picky eater after all.

“You know, if you have anything to do for uni or something then you can do it. You don’t have to help me at all, but of course you can.” Liam felt a need to say that, and he did see an internal conflict in the younger boy’s face for a moment as he bit his lip.

“I, um… “ He started, looking away from Liam. “I’ve got some homework, but I can just do that some other time or-“

“When’s the deadline?” Liam interrupted, because he could sense it was probably close.

“Um, Sunday night, I think.” Niall told him, and considering it was Friday night… 

“It’s no problem if you wanna do it now, you know. I’d rather want you to do that actually, it’s more important.” Liam shrugged, trying to let him know that it was really, really okay. Like… if he cooked for one or two people, there was basically no difference. “Maybe I can help somehow and you’ll be done quicker.”

“I’d have to fully read the assignment first.” Niall joked, but he seemed more relaxed before he went to go get his laptop and Liam was relieved. He really would not want Niall’s uni work to get left behind, especially because he already knew about his struggles.

At the same time, Liam did not wanna overdo it, because he knew it would scare Niall off to be too much in his debt, or at least feel like he was. On the other hand, Liam was completely desperate to make him feel better somehow, in any way at all, to not feel like he was a burden on anybody, because it seemed he really did think that. 

It was honestly breaking Liam’s heart. The little time they had now spent together had been enough for Liam to care way more than he would have thought. It was like he KNEW Niall, like they had somehow never been apart, as strange as it sounded.

“God, I gotta find so much literature on this… I hate doing research.” Niall had come to sit at the kitchen aisle with his laptop while Liam had started to cook before it’d get too late because they had needed quite a while at the store.

“I hated that too… I still do.” Liam obviously had to keep himself updated on studies and research and further educate himself, but at least he had no more papers to write like Niall. “But do you have to do that a lot? If you’re studying music engineering?”

“I mean, I still got other classes and stuff, so sometimes, yeah. I actually have like 100 things on my to do list right now, so I probably shouldn’t even complain about this one.” He let out a sigh then, leaning his head into his hand and Liam watched him for only a moment before focusing on cutting vegetables again.

Honestly, he had offered his help, but now he had no idea how to actually help.

They talked while Liam was cooking and Niall attempted to do his homework, sometimes asking rhetorical questions and cussing a bit, sometimes he did actually ask Liam for his opinion and the older man did his best to stay focused. It was kind of fun, mostly because Liam wasn’t the one who had to write a paper and he actually enjoyed cooking, but also because those were things he usually did alone. Now he had Niall here with him, and it got him a bit more motivated to somehow make the food taste better and be more present, just anything to make the boy feel comfortable.

Also so he’d wanna stay here, because what would Liam have done if he wanted to leave tomorrow? He couldn’t have stopped him, and he wouldn’t get him to stay forever. Not that he wanted that just… for now.

“It’s really good.” Niall made sure to immediately tell him once they were eating, a little too fast maybe, but Liam just smiled. “Like, seriously. I could never cook anything like that.”

“I try.” Liam laughed, hoping that Niall meant it because he had made way too much and there would probably be leftovers for tomorrow also. “I’ve made that like a thousand times before, I didn’t wanna risk you thinking I’m a terrible cook.”

“No matter what you make, it can’t be worse than what I eat on a daily basis.” He laughed as well, and Liam’s laugh got a bit stuck in his throat. Did he even wanna know what Niall ate on a daily basis? And how little? Maybe not really.

“But you do cook for yourself?” He ended up asking, genuinely curious, but it appeared to have been the wrong question despite his light tone.

“Umm… sometimes.” Niall decided, and Liam thought it probably had something to do with the fact that Niall seemed to have never lived on his own. So he probably hadn’t just cooked for himself, it made sense of course. 

They fell into silence for a little bit, like, it was weird for a moment, but also understandable. There were too many unsaid words between them, too many things that had happened that they probably remembered very differently.

18 years worth of events they could have discussed.

For some reason, and very much to Liam’s surprise, it was Niall who spoke up first afterwards. With a question of his own, that made him blush immediately after asking it, eyes on the plate. “Are you, like… I was just wondering, are you in a relationship?”

“Not right now, no.” Liam told him, feeling weird about having worded it this way, because if he was being honest… “I mean… I’m not sure I’m made for being in relationships.”

“No? I would have thought you’re exactly the type to be in a relationship.” Niall told him straight out and Liam had to laugh over his obvious embarrassment. No idea what had made Niall ask in the first place.

“Because I can cook and bake?” He asked, already having guessed it and the boy simply shrugged. “That actually comes from the fact that I spent more time alone than in relationships.”

“Does it not bother you? To live alone and stuff?” Niall kept asking, his face still very red and it probably took a lot for him to ask so freely. It was only fair though, Liam had asked him way too many questions already. 

“Not really, no. I’ve got my colleagues at work and my friends, and I talk with different people all day long anyways. I’m not always alone here either, my cousin sometimes shows up uninvited because I gave him a key.” The last part slipped out, Liam had forgotten that it would probably get Niall alarmed for several reasons. “No worries, he won’t randomly show up anymore now because I keep the key in the lock overnight after last time.”

“… you have a cousin?” Right, that was of more interest.

“I mean- yeah. Not a real one, obviously… “ Liam cleared his throat, also having to look down, and then there was this silence again, a million questions on both their tongues. 

Liam slowed down eating, he wasn’t even sure anymore he could taste that much, but he was trying to somehow keep this situation as normal as could be. He also almost switched the topic to something more neutral, but then something told him not to.

And when Niall asked, his voice was very quiet and timid.

“What’s your family like?” He asked slowly, and their eyes met on accident, and out of everything Liam had told him, this one was the hardest for him to answer.

Not because it was so hard on him to speak about it, but because he knew everything he’d say would possibly hurt Niall, because he had never gotten any of it.

On the other hand… why would Liam keep it from him? Why would he lie? There was no point, so Liam simply took a breath.

“They adopted me when I was around 12. I- we always kinda got along well from the beginning, I’ve got extended family as well, my cousin is around the same age as me… no siblings.” Okay, that was the short version, that one that only made Niall nod, and Liam felt bad that he almost felt relieved that he could add something bad as well. Even though he’d risk sounding whiny. “They got divorced when I was like, 20, I was at uni at that time, so… my dad now has a new family, with young kids and stuff, so… and my mom is a surgeon, she kinda buries herself in her work, so… I don’t see them very often anymore. We mostly talk on the phone.”

“Oh… I’m sorry.” Niall somehow brought out, and Liam knew he wasn’t truly sorry, but how could he have been? When he could have no idea what it was like?

“Don’t. I had a good time when I lived with them, they made all of this possible and for me to get an education, so… they gave me a family.” More than Liam could have asked for. In emergencies, he would have been able to call them and they would have always been there for him. That was a lot more than he knew Niall could have said.

“That’s nice.” The boy told him, clearing his throat, and Liam was overcome with a wave of guilt though he could have not changed what his life had been like anyways. “How, um, how did that work with school and stuff? Because you’re older than me… “

“They got me private schooling, at home, so I could catch up… “ It had still not been easy, and Liam had gone to university late and he had struggled, but in the end, it had worked out. Now at least, in this aspect, Niall had achieved much more than him. “How was it like for you?”

“Well… “ Niall started, shaking his head to himself, then he suddenly let out a laugh. “If you hadn’t taught me how to read and count, we definitely wouldn’t have met at uni. I mean… I did go to school then, but no one ever made a special effort to help me and I wasn’t doing very well because I moved families a lot and also schools, so... I also- I kinda hung out with the wrong people when I got older and- I think you already know what I’m saying.”

“Kinda.” Also, he was STILL hanging out with wrong people. Considering that only made Liam’s next question a lot more pressing, because he had been asking himself that since the beginning pretty much. “What do your friends think about you going to uni?”

“You mean, what does Louis think?” Niall translated Liam’s thoughts, and Liam didn’t deny it. “I have friends who go or went to uni, it’s not like that. But Louis and the people we are closest to, um… I mean, they think it’s a bit pointless. They could never imagine themselves doing that, so… but they’re not trying to get me to drop out or anything. It’s just… “

Liam waited, not interrupting, because it seemed Niall only needed to take a breath.

“Louis hates academics more than anything. Or people in suits. Or generally people who have normal jobs, or people with a lot of money, or people like … you know. “ Well, he didn’t have to finish that sentence properly. “So he basically hates a lot of people.”

“It sounds like it.” It almost made Liam laugh too, but it was actually really fucking sad. “It sounds like he didn’t change a lot.”

“In some ways he hasn’t… “ Niall agreed slowly, then he took a breath. “But he does have a job and everything, I feel bad saying all these things about him, I- he texted me and apologized for today, so… that’s something.”

“Where does he work?” Just out of interest really, Liam was a bit surprised, and he could see Niall’s face change at that, clearly regretting that he had spoken up about it in the first place. He was on one hand telling the truth, on the other it seemed he always had to add something to defend Louis.

“Um… at the bar where- you know… “ He shrugged, and Liam decided not to ask anymore. It wasn’t his fault though, that Niall didn’t leave him a chance to switch the topic. “He, um… he said if I want to I can stay with him and- that he wouldn’t tell Will… “

“Who is- oh.” Right, it had to be that man, Liam had just needed a moment to follow because Niall had never mentioned the name before. “Do you want to stay with him now?”

The silence following was a very clear answer. Plus, Niall had told him multiple times he did NOT want to stay with Louis, though Liam had no idea why still. He could only assume, really.

“Niall, you’re welcome to stay here, I mean it and I’m not taking it back. It’s not a problem at all.” Liam tried to explain one more time, maybe this one would finally stick. “What you tell Louis is up to you, I don’t mind if he knows or you keep it a secret or what he thinks or says about me. As I said, it has nothing to do with you and I, okay? And I really don’t mind company either if that’s what you think because of what I said before. Makes me put more effort into cooking and grocery shopping wasn’t as boring today as it usually is as well.”

“Thank you…” Was all Niall said this time, it seemed it was hard for him to get out the next part. “But… would you promise me that you would honestly tell me if you wanted me to leave? Like, you don’t have to feel bad for me or guilty or anything, I do have another place to go… I could also go back and-“

“I promise.” Liam very quickly interrupted, waiting for a heartbeat to pass before putting his arm on the counter between them, with only his pinky out.

Niall seemed very surprised, a bit unsure of what to do, but then the faintest of smiles came across as his face as he linked his finger with Liam’s, for only a single moment. It was all Liam needed to know he was on the right path now.

They finished eating then, Niall helped doing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen, and his face when Liam asked him if he wanted to have dessert was priceless yet again. Again, like last night, they sat watching something on TV, except this time Liam asked Niall if he’d be okay watching a few episodes of the show he was currently watching on Netflix.

So that’s what they did, with Niall eating all the snacks Liam had bought specifically for him without the boy’s knowledge, and it actually felt really nice. Like, Liam usually watched things in bed, and on his own, but he got Niall caught up briefly since he had only seen a few episodes himself, and it seemed the younger boy was enjoying himself as well.

At least he kept asking questions about it, so he was either polite or genuinely interested, it was hard to tell. He was obviously into those candies though, so Liam was happy.

Niall didn’t keep working on his homework although Liam probably went to bed around midnight, after they had split their time in the bathroom. He had already noticed that Niall seemed to be close to passing out on the couch, so he had decided it was time to call it a night.

At least tonight, he actually managed to fall asleep without overthinking his every life choice.

\----------------------

Niall woke up feeling completely knocked out still, to a quiet apartment and a note on the coffee table telling him Liam was out for a jog. Was he crazy? Jogging on a Saturday morning? Well, shortly before midday, more like. 

Shit, Niall must have slept for ages, and now he felt bad, but a little surprised that Liam had simply left him alone here, without a single care in the world, with even his bedroom door wide open. 

Niall ignored his phone on purpose as he got dressed, brushing his teeth and still feeling a bit gross about all the candy he had eaten. He knew Liam had bought it all last night, that he had probably gotten it just for Niall, but if Niall pretended not to know, he wouldn’t have to feel bad… right?

At least that’s what he told himself, because it had only been very nice and he had been super excited about it.

Liam wasn’t yet back by the time Niall was ready, so Niall sorted out his bag for a bit, folded the blanket on the couch and then even though he told himself it was rude, walked around the apartment for a moment. It was really just the bathroom, the living area plus kitchen and… well, Liam’s bedroom.

Niall had never been inside, obviously, but the door was open and he walked past and then he just threw a look inside without actually entering, feeling bad but now it was too late anyways. It was fairly big, he had made his bed very neatly and generally, it looked clean but also comfortable, like the rest of the apartment.

There were pictures by the window Niall couldn’t properly see, he also had a desk, and what Niall assumed must have been utensils for drawing or something, and also-

Upon hearing the key in the lock, Niall flinched terribly, quickly walking that one step to the sink in the kitchen, pretending to be getting himself a glass of water.

“Hi.” He tried not to stare as Liam walked in in his running clothes and shoes, his face sweaty and red from the cold probably, but he seemed cheerful as he took out his headphones.

“Hey. You okay?” Liam asked, smiling, as if he wasn’t the one who had been out running in the cold.

“Yeah…. How was your jog?” Niall asked, a bit unsure because he was still confused as to why Liam would do that anyways.

“Alright, a bit cold… I was honestly scared it would start to snow.” A legitimate fear if Niall threw a look out the window. “I’ll shower real quick. Did you have breakfast yet?”

“No, I, um, literally just woke up 10 minutes or so ago.” Maybe more, no idea, Niall was avoiding his phone. He had texted Louis back in the middle of the night, that he appreciated what he had said and that he would think about his offer. Or whatever it was.

Truth was, Niall was buying himself time, he didn’t wanna go back to Will, and also not to Louis, and he was hoping, praying, that Liam was really who he seemed to be. That he genuinely seemed to almost be happy about Niall being here.

Which he surely wasn’t, but at the same time… he really did not seem to mind it in any way. And Niall really did not want to leave.

“Have you not eaten either?” It had sounded like it, and Niall was a bit shocked, now feeling bad thinking Liam had possibly waited for him to wake up and only gone for a jog because he had gotten bored of having to be quiet. In his own apartment.

“Just a banana. But I can’t really eat before I jog anyways. I’ll make something when I’m showered.” He told Niall, having disappeared into the bathroom before Niall could have told him he didn’t have to.

Then again, who was Niall to tell him he couldn’t make breakfast on a Saturday, if that’s what he wanted or usually did? It wasn’t all about Niall and he needed to stop thinking it was.

While he heard the shower running, Niall took another peek into Liam’s bedroom, just because now he had already done it anyways. Being here and seeing all of this made him feel quite weird, not in a bad way at all, it was just like how Niall would have honestly imagined Liam to live, if he had had to make a guess before running into him again.

For years Niall would have despised him for this had he known, he would have been mad and angry and thought the same about Liam that Louis still thought to this day. Now though… it almost got Niall’s throat tight thinking about how jealous he was. How much he wanted to graduate and get a good job and turn his life around and just… get out of where he was now.

And he could have never told Louis, or Will, or their friends, because… he would have basically been telling them he was making friends with the enemy, and that he thought their way of life was awful. He didn’t think that at all, but deep down Niall knew that Louis was only bitter because he had really had the worst luck out of all 3 of them.

If this was all Louis knew, who could have blamed him for embracing it, making the best of it? After all, he seemed to be happy… most of the time at least.

Other times, Niall wasn’t sure. The walls Louis had built around himself seemed very sturdy and permanent, but there had been drunken nights, possibly combined with other substances and whatnot, that Louis seemed to have spoken more truth than any time before.

Liam had to know that there was this side to Louis as well, because even when they had been children, Louis hadn’t always just been the tough one, but it had surely become more than just the image he had built for himself one day.

Now, he would have killed Niall had he mentioned any of that though.

\-------------------------

_”Louis?” Niall asked as they were walking, holding Liam’s hand tightly because it was also cold and Liam was warm. He was very happy that Louis and Liam were talking to each other again, that it could be just the three of them again._

_“Yes?” He asked, not too happy, but he had been grumpy all day today and Liam had told Niall not to worry about it, that it was because it was bad weather, and snowy._

_“Where is your mommy?” Niall had never asked him before, and it had just come into his head and he had been bored, so he thought he’d ask. He knew already what had happened to Liam’s mommy and daddy, and it had made Niall cry a lot to think about his own mommy dying. Then again… he didn’t even know where she was or if he would ever see her again._

_He didn’t get an answer, Louis just walked in front of them like before, as if he hadn’t even heard Niall._

_“Lou-“_

_“Hey, Ni, do you want something to drink?” Liam cut Niall off, which was a little bit annoying to Niall, because why?_

_“Okay, but I wanted to ask Louis where-“_

_Liam then stopped him abruptly, letting Louis walk on because they were almost back anyways. “Ni…”_

_“Why are we stopping?” Niall asked, confused, still holding Liam’s hand so he couldn’t even walk away and after Louis because the older boy wasn’t letting him._

_“Louis doesn’t really wanna talk about his mommy or daddy, okay? Or his family.” Liam explained very quietly, and Niall’s eyes went big, but then he understood._

_“Are they dead?” He asked, trying to whisper, and Liam sighed, throwing a look after their friend, who was now meters away already. Niall didn’t know how many meters, because he was not very good with numbers even if Liam always made him practice._

_“He doesn’t know.” Liam told him slowly, and now Niall felt very bad._

_“But how?” Niall didn’t understand._

_“He was always just here, you know? He doesn’t know if… if maybe he was somewhere else before when he was a baby. So… “ Liam shrugged his shoulders, and maybe Niall now understood. A little bit. “Don’t tell him I told you, okay? Promise me you won’t ask him about it anymore? It will only make him very, very sad.”_

_“Okay.” Niall agreed after a moment, giving Liam a pinky promise. He did wanna ask a whole lot about it though. “Can you carry me back?”_

_So Liam gave him a piggy back ride, but Niall was still thinking about Louis and his family all the way back and while they were eating dinner. It was only beans, and Niall hated beans, but he knew he wasn’t allowed to complain and if he didn’t eat, he’d be very hungry when it was bedtime._

_Louis was eating by himself, and though Liam looked at Niall very intensely when Niall told him he would go over, he didn’t tell Niall no._

_“Are you sad?” Niall asked when he approached Louis, plopping down next to him_

_“Why would you think that?” Louis laughed, but it sounded weird and Niall shrugged. “I’m not sad. Are you sad?”_

_“No.” Or maybe… “Just sometimes, but then I tell Liam and then he makes it better.”_

_“That’s good.” Very good, Niall thought so too._

_“Who do you tell when you’re sad?” Niall asked the older boy, because everyone was sad sometimes, right? Liam had said so._

_Louis didn’t answer, just like when they had been walking home, but now Liam wasn’t there to stop Niall from asking again. Even though he didn’t have to, he just had to wait._

_“No one.” Louis shrugged, as if it was not a big deal. “It’s not like anybody could help me when I’m sad.”_

_“But why?” This was too complicated for Niall’s brain. Just like the alphabet._

_The older boy sighed very deeply before he said something and Niall got a bit impatient. “Look, when you’re sad because you miss your mom, Liam can’t help you, can he? He can only distract you and maybe hug you, but he can’t bring her here.”_

_“Hmm. No.” That was true… “But sometimes… sometimes I think that if my mommy was here she would take me away, and then I would never see Liam again and I don’t want that.”_

_“You’d rather stay here because of Liam than to go back to your mom?” Louis asked, sounding VERY surprised, but Niall didn’t know why. “I mean… your mom wasn’t always very nice to you, was she? Liam is.”_

_“Yeah… if my mommy comes, I’m gonna ask her to take Liam too. And maybe she can take you as well. I’ll just scream and cry until she does.” It sounded like a brilliant idea in Niall’s head now and Louis laughed._

_“Just ask her to take Liam, three would be too much to ask.” Oh. “I’ll manage somehow, I’m used to it.”_

_“Do you wanna stay here forever?” Niall wasn’t sure, a lot of the times Louis told him that school sucked and that normal kids didn’t have it a lot better._

_There was silence, a LOT of it, and the Louis suddenly laughed again. “Hell, no. It’s awful here.”_

_“But you said you like it here and-“_

_“I said that because we can’t change it, can we? There’s no use to complain about it. And I don’t know if I wanna be like all those people one day that would think kids like us are stupid and gross. It’s not our fault, is it?” No, but Niall wasn’t really sure what Louis was saying, so he kept quiet. “Don’t tell Liam I said that, alright?”_

_“Okay… “ Niall promised, not saying anything else._

_Of course he still told Liam later, whispered it into his ear and probably got a lot about it wrong too, and then Liam stayed quiet for a long time before he told Niall that it was time to go to sleep._

_Maybe when Niall was older, he would understand all of this. Right now, he was just very confused._

\---------------------------

The thing was, Niall had not questioned this, but Liam hadn’t taken any fresh clothes with him to the bathroom, and it led to the weirdest fucking moment when he had to walk out with a towel wrapped around his waist and nothing else. 

“Sorry.” No idea why Niall apologized as he looked away quickly, because it hadn’t exactly been HIS fault.

Liam just laughed as he went into his bedroom and Niall was silently praying to god that his red cheeks would stop burning. God, this was so fucking stupid, he should have not even cared. The whole situation was just like… so bloody weird at this point.

“Okay, what do you feel like? I can make pancakes. Waffles? Omelet?” Liam kept listing things once he was dressed, his hair still wet, and Niall was just overwhelmed so he told him pancakes without a second thought.

He tried to help, but Niall was awful in the kitchen, and in the end he simply decided to watch, still ignoring his phone burning holes into his back pocket by now.

He knew Louis had texted multiple times, also Will, and possibly some other people. Maybe that person from uni Niall was supposed to do a project with… god, how was he going to ever get his stuff done for uni this week? When he didn’t even know for sure where he would bloody live in the coming weeks or months?! And if he told any of his professors about his struggles again to get a deadline extended, the whole university would soon think that he needed help.

Maybe he did, but seriously, talking about it would have not even changed anything and Liam or Niall’s old professor couldn’t seriously think that it would have. Besides, they both knew what had happened anyways, Liam in much greater detail too, so like… why dwell on it?

“Do you go jogging every morning if you have time?” Niall asked while they were having breakfast, and he had already told Liam three times that those were the best pancakes he had ever had. To be fair, he never had any, but they were genuinely good. Like anything Liam had made for them.

“I try to… sometimes I gotta force myself. Especially when it’s this cold. Or super hot.” Liam grimaced and Niall understood him well. He tried to work out, but ever since he couldn’t afford that gym membership anymore... “Also-“

Liam was interrupted by his phone, and Niall flinched, but only because he thought it was his own at first. Thank god it wasn’t.

The older man looked at the screen for a moment, then he sighed, then he looked apologetic, but only for one second. “Sorry, I just gotta- yes?”

He listened for a while, Niall had no idea who it was, he also didn’t really care and just kept eating, his mind drifting off for a bit, Liam’s voice just becoming a background noise.

“Okay? I mean-… yeah, right… mhmmm… yeah… I get that, but-… if it makes you happy, I suppose… what? I’m not unenthusiastic, I’m just not sure what to- okay… yeah… I don’t think so, I’m kinda busy with work this weekend… yeah… I’m actually eating right now, so- yeah. Have fun, bye.” Liam had hung up the phone a lot more quickly than Niall would have expected, he looked a bit distressed though, afterwards.

“Everything okay?” Niall asked, mostly to be polite, not because he thought Liam would wanna talk to him about it. Or maybe he did, who knew? He also felt bad that Liam had to lie about work because Niall was staying with him, like… that would become a problem sooner or later, Liam wanting to hang out with people or invite them over and stuff. How would he have explained this to anyone? And also… Niall wouldn’t have been too thrilled to meet Liam’s friends, or even parts of his family.

Just seeing Liam here and being at his place felt like a very surreal dream Niall just didn’t wake up from.

“Yeah, just… my cousin updating me about his love life.” He shrugged before continuing to eat, and at least that was a normal topic, because it had nothing at all to do with either of them or their shared past.

“Is it at least interesting to listen to?” Niall asked with a smirk and Liam only laughed, then he shrugged.

“He only just broke up with someone, now apparently he woke up at some stranger’s place and is walking home and he asked if I thought it was a good idea he left his number before he walked out. See, that other guy sleeps even longer than you.” Liam chuckled and Niall playfully rolled his eyes.

Truth was, he was a bit beaming that he and Liam could finally joke around and not be so tense all the time.

“Maybe that’s his way of getting over a break up. And if that guy never calls him, at least he knows what’s up.” Niall shrugged. He had woken up at strangers’ places too, but he didn’t really think he should be telling Liam that, especially because… none of them had been pleasant experiences. In any way, shape or form.

“Yeah, it’s just… not really what he does. He actually told me he just wants to focus on work not too long ago… he’s a lawyer.” Oh Jesus, this family was something else, wasn’t it? People Niall would have never thought actually had normal lives. Also… if Louis had known, he would have only hated Liam even more than he already did. And Niall along with him.

Now not only did Liam have a good life, a degree and a well-paying job, his entire family that he was adopted into did as well. Like, his adoptive mother was surgeon and god knows what his dad was, his cousin a lawyer, they all probably celebrated every holiday together and were really supportive and… it sounded a bit like utopia to Niall. Fantasyland.

On the other hand, Liam’s adoptive parents were divorced, it also didn’t sound as if they talked very often, but still. At least he had had a nice childhood, or what had been left of it anyways. At least it had sounded as if he could lean on somebody, if everything went wrong.

For the first time in a few years again, Niall had realized just a couple days ago, when he and Will had had a huge fight and he had thought about leaving but hadn’t done it just yet, that he really did have no one in this world.

Sure, he had Louis, but Louis and him were bound only by their past. It had definitely developed into a true friendship, and Louis was, or had been, a little bit of a stand-in parent for Niall. Or an older brother to ask for advice and lean on.

An older brother, who, in some ways, had somehow managed to fuck Niall’s life up even more than it had already been before they had run into each other. At the time though, it hadn’t felt like that at all, but rather like the best time of Niall’s life.

Sometimes it still did, when it all got way too much, but Niall was trying his hardest not to go back to any of that. To his old self that had needed so many damn years to finally be replaced.

“Oh, wow… that’s really cool. So if you ever get into an accident, you’ve got someone fixing you at the hospital and someone suing the person that hurt you.” And Niall had someone to fill up his glass for free the entire night long until he was puking into the toilets in the back. Almost the same.

“I mean… I guess. I never had to worry about either of those things luckily.” Right, Liam didn’t look like the kinda person who would have. If Niall would have had to guess, he was pretty sure Liam would have never sued anybody, he would have probably cared way too much about the other person’s feelings. “… you?”

“No.” Niall shrugged, thinking that it wasn’t 100% the truth, but whatever. He could be honest with Liam, but not TOO much, he had already made that mistake multiple times now, so it was time to switch the topic anyways. “Um, if you wanna hang out with your cousin I can just go to the library for the day and do my homework and-“

“I really don’t wanna hang out with him, don’t worry about it. I actually thought I’d use the day to clean a bit and get some work done I should have done weeks ago.” Sounded like a big lie, but Niall had to take it like that.

He helped Liam clean up the kitchen after, and then he offered his help with cleaning as well, but Liam told him to go do his homework instead. So Niall kinda HAD to because… that deadline WAS approaching rather fast.

The older man also told Niall he would do the laundry, and whether Niall had some things that needed to be washed as well because the washing machine would be half empty anyways. So like… yeah, it was pathetic, and yeah, Niall felt guilty and like a burden, but he still said yes.

Who knew when he’d have that opportunity next?

Niall’s homework was a lot longer than expected, he still wasn’t done by the time Liam had cleaned his entire apartment, vacuumed the floors and hung up their clothes to dry. Niall had of course taken a break to hang up his own, his cheeks on fire the entire time.

After that, they sat at the kitchen counter together, both of them on their laptops, and though Niall was stressed out about this damn homework, he was definitely getting a lot more done here than anywhere else.

Also, he felt a lot more comfortable here with Liam than anyone he had ever stayed with, which was really sad considering these people had been his friends, but… having 1000 people walk in and out all day, feeling on the edge all the time or constantly fighting with someone or doing… other things, really weren’t IT.

Maybe some time ago they had been Niall’s idea of a great life, but not anymore.

“Finally. I sent it.” Niall let out a sigh of relief. He had considered asking Liam to proof read, just for spelling and grammar, but then he had gotten embarrassed at the thought.

“See, and you made it more than a day before the deadline. You could already start with whatever you have coming up next, so you won’t get stressed out when-“

“No way. I need the pressure, I can’t work so far ahead of my schedule.” Niall’s non-existent schedule. And far ahead being 1 week left until the next deadline. “I can’t fucking wait until I’m finally done with uni. I can almost not even imagine that it ever ends.”

“It does. I couldn’t imagine it either, but… it did end.” Liam told him, not looking all too happy about it though. “Are you not enjoying it even a bit?”

“I mean… sometimes. It does have perks to be a student.” Niall shrugged, closing his laptop because he was experiencing a headache already. He was also still ignoring his phone and by now he was afraid someone would send a detective to find him here. “Were you not excited to be done and to work?”

“Yeah, sure. But it’s like, you’re gonna be working for the rest of your life anyways.” True, but at least then Niall would have something to do, and hopefully money to live a normal life. “… unless your job is your one true passion or you’re self-employed like one of my best friends, then you can just live out your dreams, I guess.”

“Are you not living your dream?” It seemed really stupid to ask this question somehow, and Niall also felt weird now for secretly idolizing Liam and his life so much when he barely had any insight. He still was though, for that security and stability alone.

“I’ve never… never really thought about that. I know I’m very lucky and I appreciate that.” It seemed he was only adding this for Niall, but Niall wouldn’t have cared either way.

It was what it was. He was younger than Liam too, maybe in 5 years he’d look back to this day and laugh about it.

Probably not.

“I sound really boring.” Liam decided after a moment of silence and Niall just smiled at him, not knowing what to say, but appreciating the normality of this conversation either way. 

“Boring doesn’t mean bad.” Niall’s life surely wasn’t boring, but it was so eventful in all the wrong ways that he wished it was. “I don’t think you’re boring.”

“Thanks… “ The older man returned the smile, he seemed to be lost in thoughts and Niall felt a bit lost now that he was done with his homework.

He went to the bathroom, got himself a glass of water while Liam was working, and then he had finally mustered up the guts to ask. Not that it was a big deal or anything. “I know it’s almost fully dark and you’ve been outside already, but… d’you wanna go for a walk? Because I feel like I need to go outside for a bit.”

“Oh, yeah, sure. Why not?” Liam seemed to be surprised, but also immediately on board with the idea and Niall felt relieved.

He really would have not wanted to go by himself, but he also felt he needed to catch some air or something after sitting around all day long.

Liam tried to actually get Niall to wear one of his beanies or gloves or both, but Niall turned them all done, ignoring the look on the man’s face as he was clearly judging Niall’s not so thick jacket. True, Niall sometimes felt like freezing to death in it, but he would have never said a word about it. Especially right now.

The neighborhood was kinda empty because it was dark once they stepped outside, and Niall also had no idea where they were walking towards, he just let Liam take the lead. 

The conversations they were having were nice, normal, about Niall’s upcoming project he would probably miss his deadline on, Liam’s job and where he had worked before that right after uni, a bit about his cousin and how Liam always celebrated Christmas with him and his parents rather than his own.

Niall didn’t tell him that he never celebrated Christmas, despised it.

They must have been walking for at least 45 minutes already and Niall had a feeling they were on their way back when he heard a voice. Not that unusual, a few people had passed them, it wasn’t late, just dark, but the laughter he heard still made him freeze on an instant.

“I was- you okay?” Liam interrupted what he had been talking about, stopping as well to stare at Niall, but Niall was looking at anything besides him.

Shit, shit, shit. 

“I… “ Niall started, swallowing thickly, thinking of where to hide, quickly, but it was too late and his eyes had already locked with the man a few meters ahead of them, having gotten out of a car and apparently just ended a phone call.

Now Niall remembered why this area wasn’t TOO unfamiliar for him. Will’s brother lived somewhere around here, they had visited him once and Niall had sworn to himself, never again.

“You have to walk away, on the other side of the street and- please, just go.” Niall panicked, half whispering to Liam and thank GOD it was dark, because it took a moment for Will to recognize him. Of course he did. 

“Wh-“

“ _Please_.” Niall begged, and maybe it was the desperate look in his eyes or the strangeness of it all, but Liam threw one look at the man that was now coming towards them, then at Niall, and then he turned on the spot and crossed the street. 

Thank fucking god, at least something. Maybe Liam should have just never gone on another walk again, with anyone, because it seemed to always end badly for Niall whenever he did.

“Niall? What are you doing here? And who was that?” He came over immediately, car keys in his hands, and the look on his face was actually worried. Just seeing him again triggered all kinds of emotions in Niall, so he took a step back. “I texted you like a thousand times.”

“I know.” How could Niall have not known? He had actively ignored every single one of them. “I’m just on a walk. I don’t wanna talk.”

“Who are you staying with?” He ignored the request, his voice already sounding less caring. He hated whenever Niall tried to put up a fight, when he didn’t fall for all of his bullshit. 

“Why?” Niall was more careful with him than with Louis, there were lots of things he couldn’t say to Will, because if he pissed him off too much… well, Niall had the remains of those times all over his body still. At least Louis had kept true to his word, he had not told Will anything.

“Why?! Because I was worried as hell. You ran away just like that, it wasn’t even that big of a deal, you always blow things out of proportion. What’s wrong with you lately?” Too fucking much. “… are you seeing somebidy else? Is that why you don’t want me to fuck you anymore, huh? Is it that guy?! Where’d he go?”

“No, I’m not and he’s just someone I know from uni, we ran into each other.” Niall immediately lied, taking another step back, carefully. His heart was already bumping way too fast again. “I told him to go because I knew you would be making a scene.”

“ _I_ would be making a scene?! YOU’RE the one who always freaks out for no reason at all!” See, there they went, waking the whole neighborhood yelling. Well, Niall wasn’t. Not yet. 

“Stop yelling at me. This is why I left.” Niall tried to be tough, tried to stand his ground. He was terrified though, and at least they were in public or he would have literally been shaking. “I don’t wanna talk about it right now.”

“But I do! You can’t just decide to come and go as you please. I’m letting you live with me, for free, you’re eating MY food, sleeping in MY bed and-“

“I’m not anymore, and I’m never coming back. I have to go now.” There was a moment where Niall thought he wasn’t brave enough, but then he told himself to just do it, walk past Will and try to find Liam and-

He didn’t get that far.

Will had grabbed his arm immediately, so tightly that it hurt, and Niall felt his blood freeze as he leaned in closer, his voice more quiet now, but almost just a snarl.

“If I were you, I’d be very fucking careful with my words.” It was a direct threat, it could have meant a hundred things, it didn’t matter. Will always followed through, one way or another. “Go back to whoever is letting you sleep on their couch then, they’re gonna grow sick of you anyways, like always. Who wouldn’t? All you do is whine and bitch and live on someone else’s expense. Like a leech. You’re lucky I let you stay with me for so long, you’re lucky you got to be with me. I can guarantee you, you’re gonna be on my doorstep begging to come back sooner or later, when everyone else has left. Just be aware that whatever you’re doing now, it definitely won’t make your punishment any easier after.”

Niall didn’t say anything, he just tried to pull his arm away, tried not to listen, because he was slowly, but surely panicking.

Before Will let go, he grabbed Niall even tighter, shutting his yelp down by kissing Niall harshly on the lips, their teeth clashing in an uncomfortable way and before he pulled back and allowed Niall to wind out of his grip, he bit down on his lip, hard. It split open again, filling Niall’s mouth with blood as he finally tore away his arm.

“Just so you won’t forget who you really belong to.” Will told him like the cocky asshole he was. He didn’t stop or even try to come after him when Niall started running in the opposite direction.

\----------------------------

Liam was more than just worried when Niall called him though he had only really walked around the next corner. When he dared to look one time, he just about saw Niall running off, and this man standing there for a moment longer, wiping his mouth before getting out his phone.

It wasn’t Louis, so it had to be this Will.

“What happened? Who was that?” Liam was still just standing there, out of view, as he answered Niall’s call a minute later or so. 

“Just… it was Will.” Niall told him, very quietly, then he took a breath. “I’m sorry.”

“For what? Where are you?” That was more important, they’d have to somehow meet up again to go back home, while avoiding this street. 

“I’ve no idea, um… there’s a Tesco.” Niall told him while still out of breath, and since he couldn’t have come very far, Liam knew where he was.

“Okay, stay there, I’ll be there in two minutes.” The whole situation was so fucked up and had happened out of nowhere, Liam almost forgot to be anything besides shocked. “… should I call someone? The police, or… I don’t know.”

“What? No. He’s just… mad. But I already knew that.” The boy was still speaking quietly, then he suddenly seemed in a hurry to end the call. “See you in a sec.”

Liam took a bit longer than expected because it was dark, but also because he had to take the longer way. He still reached Niall within like 5 minutes, throwing looks over his should the entire time because he had no idea what this man was capable of.

When he got a closer look at Niall, he had his answer.

“What the hell? Did he do that?!” Niall’s lip was bleeding again, the boy was trying to stop it with his sleeve and Liam quickly fumbled a tissue out of his pockets to hand to him so he could replace it. “Niall?!”

“Yeah, but- it’s nothing. It’s whatever. Can we please go back?” Niall was begging now, it was obvious he didn’t wanna talk about it. And it’s not like Liam hadn’t heard parts of the conversation that had been yelled.

Jesus Christ.

It felt wrong that they were both silent as they walked back to Liam’s apartment, but what would Liam have said anyways? If Niall had made it very clear that he did not want to talk? 

Also, it’s not like Liam could have truly helped, could he?

“Do you think he saw your face?” Was the first thing Niall asked once they were back, actually the first time he had spoken since then. Liam had barely noticed, he had been caught in his own thoughts.

How the hell was he going to ever help Niall? Like, truly help him? If those were the kinda people he knew? Of course Liam couldn’t expect him to just trust him, cut everyone else off, but like… was there another way?

“I doubt it… I didn’t see his. And I would have not recognized him from that other night in a million years.” It had been very dark also, so Liam highly doubted it. “Did he say anything about it?”

“No… I just said you’re a friend from uni.“ Niall mumbled, immediately going to the bathroom after taking off his shoes, probably to check his face, wash the blood off.

Liam just let him, but he went to sat on one of the bar stools, trying to somehow come up with a solution to this, a way to approach this. Something he could do or say that would genuinely help Niall. It was so frustrating, Liam tried to help people all day at his job, but now he couldn’t even think of a generic sentence to say.

The younger boy came back a while later, his lip looking a lot better now, but Liam still didn’t even wanna ask how it had happened. He was fairly certain it had not happened from a slap in the face. 

“Niall…” He started after watching Niall sit down on the couch, slowly, clearly avoiding his eyes. “I know you don’t want to, but we- we should talk. Not like- we should really talk. Maybe I can help, maybe-“

“How?” Niall interrupted, and yeah, he had Liam there. “I don’t need any help with that, I just… I’m really grateful you’re letting me stay here, I know it’s a bother and that I don’t deserve it, but-“

“I told you it’s not a bother, I-“

“It is. Or it will be and you just don’t know it yet. Whatever. I’m still grateful.” There was no use arguing about that, was there? “There’s no need to talk, you already know everything.”

“Do I?” Liam knew for a fact that he didn’t. “I didn’t necessarily mean we should only talk about this Will or your life, I meant we should talk about everything. Everything we wanted to ask each other but haven’t.”

“For what? I have no questions. I know Louis told me lies that he thinks aren’t lies, I know my memory is probably distorted, yours is probably too, but who cares anymore? It won’t change anything to bring it all up and talk about it. And I DID tell you everything. Everything that’s important. You know I drank too much and that I did drugs and hung out with the wrong crowd, maybe I still do sometimes, but I- I see no reason to go into detail. Besides, I really don’t want to and you can’t force me.” He was getting angry now, sounding stubborn like a child, and Liam suppressed a sigh.

“Okay, we don’t have to. I’m sorry.” Liam gave in, because this approach was getting him nowhere. “But if you change your mind… “

“I know.” Niall said it almost in a rude way, annoyed, but Liam would never stop telling him. “… Sorry.”

They were quiet then, and eventually, Liam got up to start making dinner and Niall wordlessly came over to help after a couple of minutes.

Needless to say, their night ended earlier tonight, their small talk was a little forced and Liam again found himself lying awake that night staring at his ceiling, wondering how all of this could have happened in such a short amount of time.

\-----------------------

Will was right.

He had said it to hurt Niall, lure him into coming back, manipulate him. But he was still right.

Niall’s track record of people he had lived with wasn’t something he was proud of. And it was also true that Will had let him stay the longest, had never taken a single pound from Niall. Yeah, they had sex and they did things Niall had long stopped enjoying, if he ever had, but… could Niall even expect more at this point?

Liam would get annoyed as well, he would want Niall to leave, at some point, even if he didn’t even know it yet. Why wouldn’t he? They barely knew each other, Niall refused to talk about the past or his present and he was a huge bother. Not for two or three days, maybe not even a week, but after that for sure. And what then? Where would Niall go if Will didn’t want him back and Liam couldn’t stand having a half stranger at his place anymore?

Or if… if Niall was too terrified to come back.

There was only one person left, and it was kind of ironic really, maybe a sign, that Niall was on his phone at 2 in the morning, thinking about taking up Louis’ offer before it was too late, when he received a text message that made his breath stop and his stomach drop. His whole world again coming apart at the very seams.

_Lou 02:09  
Will told me. I know the stranger was Liam. I seriously can’t even begin to tell you how fucking stupid that makes me feel… you went to HIM, before you came to me? And then you lied about it? Niall, what the actual fuck are you even doing???_

It took three times of Niall reading that message before he knew what he had to do now. The only option he had to save whatever was left of his chance to fix this mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello :)
> 
> i had a bit of struggle finishing this chapter on time because uni was crazy and i forgot i had classes all day saturday and today haha rip. but it always works out somehow! i hope you enjoyed it :D i wanna keep this story kind of fast paced, not make it too long, im still fairly happy with it so far! ive got some crazy ideas for the fic that i might or might not make reality, we will see :p
> 
> hope youre all gonna have a great week!! <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of past rape & drug abuse

Niall regretted his decision the moment he left, but he didn’t turn back.

It had taken him only a few minutes to stuff all his things into his bag, fold the blanket and write Liam a note. He knew the man had two keys, so Niall made sure to lock the door after leaving, throwing the key into Liam’s mailbox downstairs so he wouldn’t get robbed at night or something. That would have truly been the cherry on top.

Being hit with the coldness outside from it being near the end of November as well as the middle of the night, Niall almost turned back, almost overthrew his decision and went back to just pretend that everything would turn out just fine.

He kinda doubted it though, and if he didn’t go and talk to Louis now… he might as well have never done it again. This was not really just about him suddenly not sure anymore if he could trust Liam, but also about trying to save his relationship with Louis.

The bus station was easy to find, Niall had already seen it when it had been light outside, but because it was so late, he had to wait ages for it to arrive even though it was definitely a nightline. Niall lasted around 5 minutes staring at Liam’s building on the opposite side of the street before he decided to just walk, warm himself up. Now he also had to pee, so perfect.

Niall somehow wanted to cry, but then he didn’t because the wetness would have dried on his face and only made it even colder than it already was just from a couple minutes out here. Maybe it could have distracted him from the pain he was sure his shoulder was going to be in very soon from carrying around that bag though. He didn’t risk it.

There was no need to check his phone again, also mostly because the battery would have surely died any moment from it being so cold, but also because for what? Niall already knew that Louis knew, that they needed to talk, which was why he was out here in the first place.

God damn it, was it too much to ask, to live a somewhat normal life? For things to work out, just ONCE?! Niall was afraid he’d be going insane.

It took almost an hour for him to get to the damned bar, his stomach was turning in knots the moment he walked down the street, past a few nightclubs and bars, all of them packed because it was a Saturday night. Or well, now it was Sunday, around 03:15 in the bloody morning.

Louis still had almost 2 or maybe even 3 hours of work left, and Niall honestly questioned why he hadn’t just stayed at Liam’s until then. Dwelling on that wouldn’t be much help though, because deep down, he knew it was because he might have changed his mind in the meantime.

And he really couldn’t have done that.

Niall was praying to god that Will wasn’t here, but he doubted it because he had gone to his brother’s house. And they usually did other things there instead of going out, speaking from experience. Sure, some of their other friends being here would have not been very ideal either, but like… whatever.

It only took a few moments for Niall to make his way across the bar, almost to the back, only having to make way for a few drunken people, trying not to choke on the persistent smell in here that Louis would always have on his clothes for days if he worked lots of shifts.

Most of the employees were working on Saturday’s, so it did take a moment for Niall to find a free space, and then also somehow get Louis to notice him. No idea where his confidence had come from, but it was gone instantly the moment their eyes met.

“Why are you here?” Louis had to half scream over all the conversations and the music, but he would have probably yelled either way. “I have to work.”

“I know.” Niall gave back, not knowing what else to say. Why _was_ he here? To apologize? Beg for forgiveness? Or demand Louis admitted he had lied too? Tell him the truth about Will? Or why he hated staying with Louis? Ask whether Louis really thought this kinda lifestyle was great, or whether he simply saw no way out? Maybe a mixture of all of it. “Can we talk? Please?”

Louis didn’t answer at first, he only rolled his eyes, and then he said something to one of his colleagues about a break and Niall relaxed, but only for a single moment because Louis’ voice was really cold. “Come to the back.”

He walked to the end of the bar, waiting for Louis like many times before, but he couldn’t recall ever feeling this nervous. Not like he and Louis had never fought before, but this felt very different, as if a lot more was at a stake, and Niall wasn’t really sure how to interpret his friends’ behavior and his text message.

The older man didn’t spare him another look, he simply led the way and Niall followed him to the back, a separate room where the employees had private bathrooms and a space to hang out. No one was there, probably because it was hell out there right now.

Niall flinched when the door fell closed behind him, locked from the outside, all the noise immediately being reduced to maybe half of what it had been before.

“I really can’t wait to hear this story.” Louis sounded more than sarcastic as he leaned against the back of the gross couch they had in here, crossing his arms in front of his chest. He was really pissed, probably even more than when he had come to Niall’s workplace.

It seemed to be their thing now, disturbing each other at work, but what else had Niall been supposed to do? He dropped his bag on the floor because the weight was killing him, and then he had to take a deep breath. Fuck.

“I just- I wanted to say sorry.” No idea for what exactly, maybe all of it. Maybe also to himself for being stupid enough to truly believe that things could really turn around for the better. “I really mean it. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I just- I didn’t know how. I knew you’d be upset, and hurt, and I thought it would be better not to say anything, because-“

“I actually don’t care about any of this.” Louis interrupted, of course, Niall had known he would. “There is really only one single thing I wanna know right now, and that is why the fuck you would go to a stranger that fucked you, as well as me, over already, rather than coming to me? And it’s not like I didn’t try to contact you?! As if I didn’t ask a billion times who you were staying with?! I mean… are you actually insane?”

“I didn’t know what Will told you, or whose side you’re on and I- I just wanted to get away from it all, and Liam is an outsider, and he-“

“Don’t say his fucking name as if you’re his best buddy or something. If you were I doubt you’d be here.” Kinda hurt, but true either way. 

Niall didn’t know what else to say, he had made plans in his head, but they had all gone out the window by now. He wasn’t even sure what he was really doing here, what he was hoping would come out of this.

So they both stayed silent, and it was Louis who had to continue the conversation or Niall might have forever stayed quiet. “Do you really not trust me at all?”

“Of course I trust you, you know that.” … did he? “It was an emotional night and I wasn’t thinking that clearly, I just wanted to leave and… “

“And you thought asking Liam for help would be the best solution, over asking any of your friends. Got it.” God damn it, whenever he put it this way, Niall felt like the biggest asshole on this planet. He maybe was, who knew?

“I didn’t really think it through that well.” Niall admitted, although actually, he had done more than enough thinking that day and night. “Look, it’s like… you were working, I didn’t know what Will told you and… and who else would I have really gone to? I just wanted to be somewhere else.”

“I really get all of that, Niall, but… _Liam?_ ” He would never get over that, would he? “And why are you even here right now? Did he kick you out?”

“No… I read your text message and I realized I made a wrong choice. So I came to apologize.” Maybe Niall could save himself with being apologetic. “Lou, I really am sorry.”

“You already said that. I just don’t get how any of this could have ever even happened.” The problem was, Niall wouldn’t have known how to explain his internal conflict that he was having since months, maybe years, because it would have offended Louis to no end.

Then again, they were friends, Louis was the person closest to a parent for Niall, so… maybe he should have just told him everything. How much worse could it get, honestly?

“I really couldn’t stay with Will anymore.” Niall told him after some hesitation, suddenly starting to feel nervousness bubbling up again, his lip still tasting of blood as he accidentally chewed on it for a moment. “I just needed to- to leave. And be with someone who has no idea about any of it and I thought Liam might be willing to let me crash on his couch and… he was.”

“It’s the guilt.” Louis just HAD to go and try to talk it bad, but Niall ignored it. Whatever. “What’s really been happening with you and Will? That you couldn’t stand it anymore all of a sudden?”

“I don’t think I should tell you here… and your break is probably almost over as well.” If he had ever even taken one, maybe he had said he was going to the bathroom.

This was the part where Niall knew he had won because Louis let out a huge sigh, rubbing his hands over his face, suddenly looking a lot less upset. He still was, obviously, but at least he wasn’t acting all cocky and sarcastic anymore.

“Wait outside for me, I’ll tell them I have to leave early.” Okay, this was unexpected.

“No- you don’t have to, I don’t want you to get in trouble or lose out on tips or-“

“I wouldn’t have even had to work tonight, I’ve been here since 4 in the afternoon.” Louis shrugged, then he pushed away from the couch. 

Niall did as he had been told, not really saying another word to Louis before he once again made his way through all the people.

Once he was outside he felt even colder than before, also quite terrible in general because now he was about to do what he had been trying to avoid, which was, yet again, living with Louis and questioning his entire life every single moment of the day. 

Louis didn’t take long, or maybe Niall was just caught up in thoughts, but he started to feel a little better once they were walking down the street together, still not speaking a word to each other.

The older man lived so closed to the bar that it was still visible once they had reached his building, and Niall felt his stomach turning a bit, the familiarity of it all not the nicest memory. Of course he was here all the freaking time, but usually not to stay the night more than once, with the prospect of having nowhere else to go.

“I need to shower. There are leftovers in the fridge… can you heat some of that up?” He simply let Niall be once they had entered, and Niall agreed, because what would he have said?

It was almost 4 in the morning soon, he really was not hungry and quite honestly, he was afraid he might puke at the state of Louis’ fridge, but he somehow managed to ignore that. Though Niall knew there was no way Liam was awake, he still felt an urge to check his phone, just to see nothing at all.

He wasn’t even sure if he wanted Liam to care that he had left in the middle of the night, maybe it would have been better for them to just never speak again. It surely would have made things a whole lot easier if Liam had really been as awful as Louis thought he was, because then Niall would have been able to stop secretly wishing for the older man to try and convince him to come back.

Louis’ flat was small, still bigger than Liam’s, but that probably came from the fact that it was in a super old building in an area no one wanted to live in. Niall wasn’t picky of course, he couldn’t have been the judge of any of that when he was spending his life sleeping on other people’s couches.

_Like a leech_ , as Will had so nicely put it. A charmer, as usual.

“I didn’t know what you wanted.” Niall told Louis once he came back dressed in different clothes and wet hair. He looked a lot younger like this, but also a whole lot more tired.

“Doesn’t really matter. Thanks.” He shrugged as he sat at his small kitchen table, Niall had pulled himself up on the counter, silently watching him eat for a second. “You didn’t want anything?”

“I’m not really hungry… “ Especially not if the only option was leftover Chinese takeout or cold pizza at 4 in the morning when Niall hadn’t even been out. “… did you have someone over? You’ve got like a shit ton of leftovers.”

“Yeah, last night.” Louis told him easily, and Niall decided quickly that he actually didn’t even care. When did Louis not have anyone over? “… so? What’s been going on? Except for the fact that you and Will both seem to be the most stubborn people I’ve ever met?”

“We’re not… “ Niall wasn’t that stubborn and Will simply had bad anger issues. “… if I tell you, like, all of it… are you gonna promise that you won’t tell him? And that you won’t, like, do anything about it?”

At this, Louis stopped eating to look up, his face already having gotten suspicious and Niall felt his heart beating faster, the adrenaline kicking in from being so close to saying what he had sworn to himself he’d never say to Louis. Right now, that seemed a bit ridiculous honestly, because the situation couldn’t have possibly gotten much worse.

“I won’t promise anything at all before I haven’t heard it.” Was Louis’ answer, and Niall almost had to laugh thinking that this was the difference between him and Liam. Of course, he was anything but amused right now though. 

“Fair enough… “ Was it? Could Niall really risk it? He kinda had no choice anymore. “Look, um… you know we fight a lot and that… that it gets physical. Like, it’s not just one sided, you know I hit him before and… that he hits me back and- I mean, that’s nothing new.”

Silence, but Niall wasn’t looking at Louis, he was staring at a crack in the tiles on the floor while kneading his own fingers. Why was this so hard? Why had it been easier to tell Liam? Probably because he didn’t know Will, wasn’t his friend, hadn’t introduced them and had basically been a stranger at that point.

“And also, I… I’m not sure what he really thinks me and him are, like… we kissed in front of you and the other guys and it’s like, whatever, but I- I’ve wondered for a while if everyone thinks we’re dating or… or not. I think he thinks that I’m, like, his property.” For sure, there was actually no doubt in Niall’s mind, judging from last night alone… 

“He definitely thinks you guys are in a relationship. I was never sure if you felt the same, so I just never said anything to him when he mentioned it.” Great. “Does that mean you don’t even like him?”

“I mean… “ Niall started, clearing his throat a bit, because what? “Not like that. I never did.”

“And you never told him?” Did they know the same Will? Because in what world would Niall have been able to say that without sleeping with one eye open? “… but you kiss him. And you have sex with him. So do you not enjoy that, or… ? I’m a bit lost, you’ve been with him for months.”

This was the part where Niall went silent, because yeah, to all those things, but if he answered that question, more would follow. Especially one where Louis would yet again pose the question as to why Niall had not come back to live here instead.

“I know.” Was all Niall brought out, then he had to swallow hard, still not daring to look directly at his friend. “… in the beginning I thought why not, I thought that, you know, I’ll just need some time, but then… like, I never developed any feelings for him or whatever, but we just kept going and I never said a word because I was living at his place rent free and eating his food and then- then I was past that point of return and… once he got over that stage where he was trying to be sweet and all… then our fights started, and where we’d get physical and… “

“… and?” Louis kept pushing, and Niall knew he had long stopped eating.

No idea why, but suddenly Niall felt like crying as he continued. It was definitely traumatizing what had happened, for months, for what felt like eternity. “I did try to tell him, that like, you know… that I actually didn’t wanna have sex every day or like… basically, ever. Not with him. I didn’t put it like that, obviously, but um… it’s not like… not like it would have mattered how I would have said it because he didn’t really care, so… “

More silence, a lot longer this time, and then Louis said it out loud in that shocked voice and Niall wanted to puke. “He _raped_ you?!”

“I-I mean… “ Niall cleared his throat again, blinking back some tears. This was definitely not easy to talk about, especially not if Louis called it what he just had. “I don’t know if- I mean, maybe I wasn’t clear enough and-“

“Why are you defending him?” Yeah, why? “Niall, what the hell? For how long? I mean… what?!”

“I don’t know, like… I gave up at some point, ‘cos… no use. And also… it, um, was more comfortable if I, like, played along, ‘cos he can get quite aggressive, so… “ So really, Niall wasn’t sure what to call it, maybe in his head he had kinda started to tell himself he was at fault for it, that he hadn’t been clear enough, maybe… 

“I can’t believe this.” Their eyes finally met, but Louis’ face was completely empty, as if he couldn’t even fully process this all at once. “Is this why you left? And why you had another physical fight last week?”

“Um… partly.” This was even harder, Niall had not told Liam that much of the story either, but he also hadn’t really asked. “He, uh… he had his friends over all the time to smoke and do drugs, whatever, but, like… he also had something to drink and then- he suggested, we like… get some of his friends involved, um, in our sex life and… I said no. That was the day I slapped him in front of his friend and flushed his stash down the- anyways… he brought it up again on Thursday, and… I got really scared, like, that he’d do something while I was sleeping or that he’d force me into it, and his friends would, um… you know, so I just- so I ran. And the reason I went to Liam is because I was terrified, because Will is your friend and he’s here all the time and- I didn’t wanna tell you the whole story and I also didn’t wanna run into Will or have him randomly show up here and- and Liam’s the only person I knew who’d maybe help me who has nothing to do with any of this. For that I didn’t really care what happened when we were kids, like… it was kind of the last thing on my mind.”

Louis didn’t say a word for such a long time, Niall thought he didn’t even care, but then he made the mistake of looking directly at his friend, seeing how dark his expression had gotten, and how cold. “I will murder Will, and if it’s the last thing I do.”

“Lou, please, just- just let it go, he-“

“How?! Niall, seriously, why did you- it’s not your fault, and I don’t want you to think that, I just can’t believe that this has been going on for so long and- fuck. I had no idea. I thought you were somewhat happy with each other. He made it look like you were… he made it look like whenever you had a bruise, you were the one who put your hands on him first and… you never told me differently. I believed him. I can’t believe I actually thought he was telling the truth.” Louis seemed a lot more disturbed by this than Niall would have thought, but honestly… it felt kinda good to know he was on Niall’s side.

“He’s your friend… also, he can be very convincing.” Especially whenever they hadn’t been alone, he had been much nicer and gentler with Niall as well. “… he made it seem like… like he had no fault in any of it and that I was making it all up and- he was sure I’d never tell you. I didn’t until now, so… “ 

“He’s a pig. I will literally kill that cocky asshole. He was acting all bloody innocent, asking me if I thought you were sleeping with someone else because he saw you with Liam… unbelievable.” Louis was shaking his head in disbelief still, his food only halfway eaten, and Niall felt bad but at the same time… he felt relief. “I’m sorry I couldn’t help you, I had no idea. Not a clue. It’s my fault you even know that asshole, I literally introduced you… who knows what else he’s capable of.”

“It’s not your fault. Also, he’s a good friend to you and… in the beginning he was very nice… “ Which had been the trap, Niall had quickly realized. On the other hand, if he had fallen in love with Will…. things might have gone very differently between them. “Please don’t do anything to him. I really just… I just never wanna see him again and forget about it.”

“I can’t just not do anything or forget about it. He’s been committing actual crimes, Niall.” That was true, however… he wasn’t the only one. And if Louis pissed Will off… let’s just say, he definitely had dirt on him too. Of course concerning completely different things, but still, Louis was no innocent if it came to breaking the law.

“It won’t change anything if you confront him, it won’t make it undone.” Niall shrugged, pretending as if it wasn’t a big deal when it literally was a huge deal. For all he knew, Louis might have been serious about killing Will, and then what? They’d go to jail for murder? At this rate, Niall would have not even been surprised anymore to find himself in court in a couple days.

“Is this why you didn’t tell me?” Well, partly.

“No, just… he’s your friend and I wasn’t sure at times if it really was like that and also, I, um… it was still convenient to stay with him… I did eat all his food and he bought me lots of things, after a while I told myself it was just a different form of payment if I had sex with him. Kinda made it more bearable… “ Not always, but sometimes. Especially not those nights where Will had been drunk and- no, Niall didn’t even wanna recall any of that right now. Or ever again.

“I wouldn’t have charged you if you had stayed with me either, Ni. And you can eat my food as well.” See, this was all just boiling down to something else now, another reason why Niall hadn’t wanted to speak up. “… but I get it. You would have had to have a reason to leave Will’s, and tell him about it and he would have probably lost it, especially because me and him were friends first and he does think you and him are dating… and my place is kinda not the nicest either… “

“I think your place is pretty nice.” Niall quickly threw in, but Louis only rolled his eyes. Not in an amused way though, Niall could tell he was still plotting a murder in his head. “I just- I mean, you saw what happened now that I left, so… also, I, um… when you, uh, have some of these people over, I get super paranoid that the FBI is gonna wait for me at uni or at work.”

“That happens like, maybe once a week.” Okay, were they now gonna argue over this, because Niall really would not be able to take it. “You can also just say that you don’t particularly wanna end up like me.”

“Why _end up_ , we just have different goals.” Did they? Right now Niall’s only goal was to end this conversation so he could pass out on Louis’ couch, because everything else seemed like a problem for his future self. “I just… I wanna finish uni and have a normal life. Our lives right now are not normal, you can’t deny that. Mine especially.”

“I mean, if that’s what you want.” Louis shrugged, at least he didn’t seem offended. “I just think it will be hard to get there. And boring once you do.”

“Maybe, but at least I won’t have an existential crisis every other week. At least not over the fact that I have never owned a place and that I might never find a job that pays enough so I can actually live.” And Niall had already put his standards way, WAY, down. “… but if it’s okay, um… I’d really like to stay here for a bit… “

“’course, I only offered like 10 million times.” Louis let out a laugh, and Niall did relax a bit, but that was very short lived. “What did Liam say to you leaving?”

“Um, he was asleep, so… “ Niall shrugged, his stomach dropping a bit as he thought about Liam waking up to his very stupid note. “… he was really nice, you know. I mean… he probably felt very guilty, but… he said I could stay for as long as I wanted to. He probably didn’t think I would because he would have grown tired of me, but… he didn’t have to do or say any of that.”

“I don’t know, I want nothing to do with him. I don’t know how you can trust him.” Turns out, Niall couldn’t. “Was he not even pissed about when I saw him when he was walking past the bar? He seemed very eager to get out of there.”

“He said that, um, whatever happened between you and him has nothing to do with me, so… “ So no idea what Niall was trying to say with that. “Also… I don’t think he’s the kinda guy who would wanna get into a fight… you’d ignore him though, right? If you ever saw him again?”

“Don’t sound too hopeful, I can’t promise anything.” Louis shrugged, taking another bite of his food. At least they could talk about Liam without Louis absolutely losing his mind, that was something. Honestly, Niall had already accomplished a lot tonight. 

“His cousin is a lawyer or something, just to warn you.” It was more like a joke, and Louis did laugh, but only very briefly.

“I hooked up with a lawyer Friday night, I’m safe. Also, seems like Liam to have a great big family, huh?” Kind of, but Niall was more concerned with other things. Plus, from what he had heard, Liam’s adoptive family wasn’t THAT great, and also not very big.

“You hooked up with a uni graduate? I’m shocked.” Niall pretended to be in complete disbelief and Louis rolled his eyes at him. The mood was a lot lighter than Niall would have thought it would be at this point, especially considering all the topics they had covered tonight. Or this morning, surely it was after 4 now.

“I only found out after.” Louis shrugged, as if that made it better, then he suddenly stood up, taking his plate. “I really need some sleep… or do you wanna talk about something else?”

“Not really… just- can you at least promise me you won’t murder Will in the next two days? Just so I can mentally prepare myself?” Again, a little bit of a joke, but actually not at all.

“I think I could do that, yeah.” Louis agreed, much to Niall’s relief as he hopped down from the counter. “You can get yourself that blanket from the cupboard in the living room. And there are enough pillows on the couch.”

“Okay, thanks.” Honestly, Louis’ couch wasn’t the best to sleep on, but Niall would give it another chance before he would move to the floor. Again. 

“Also, take the spare key if you go anywhere in the morning, I have work tomorrow evening and I won’t be getting up before midday.” Right, Sunday. What was Niall going to be doing here all day?

“I’ll probably stay here as well… I’m connected to your WIFI and everything.” Maybe Niall could finally start working on this stupid project… provided he’d manage to get up before midday.

Louis went to brush his teeth after and Niall went to get the blanket, staring at his blank lockscreen until the older man came back for another moment to say goodnight.

“You know, as much as you hate staying here-“ Louis started, grinning when Niall opened his mouth, not letting him say anything. “I’m glad you’re here. And that we talked about this and I hope you know you can tell me anything. I was being serious when I said I’m always on your side, Nialler.”

“I know… I wish I would have told you sooner.” The very first time it had happened, it would have saved Niall a lot of drama. “… I’m also sorry for the thing with Liam, I… my memory is not the best from back then and-“

“It’s whatever. I mean, you went to him for help ‘cos he’s an outsider to the situation, right? Nothing wrong with letting him try to repay you for what he did. And he’s probably got too much money anyways.” Louis shrugged, and Niall simply nodded, deciding that there was no need for another argument. If it made Louis feel better to tell himself that, Niall would definitely not try to talk him out of it. “Anyways, now this is over anyways. I’m gonna sleep or I’ll pass out. Night, Nialler.”

“Night, Lou… and thanks. “ 

Niall did feel slightly weird once he was alone, lying in darkness, fighting sleep for another moment. So Louis thought Niall would simply forget about Liam, let it all go? But at the same time Louis couldn’t do that with Will?

God, how much Niall suddenly wished he wouldn’t know any of these people, just Louis. It would have made his life a lot easier.

\-----------------------------------

To be fair, Liam wasn’t terribly surprised to find Niall gone in the morning, or to read his very brief note thanking Liam again and telling him that he had left the key in the mailbox downstairs, which Liam really appreciated.

Of course he would have preferred had Niall stayed, because this sneaking out in the middle of the night after what had happened the night before with this Will guy… it left Liam feeling terribly uneasy. He had no idea where Niall had gone, back to this Will or maybe to Louis, but in the end, it was actually none of his business, in any way at all.

Would have been nice if his emotions could have known that as well.

Liam knew it was probably pointless and also complicated the situation further, but he couldn’t help but send Niall a text message, just so he knew that there were other options, that Liam was still willing to help if he changed his mind. And also that, which seemed of more importance, he could come to Liam if anything bad happened again.

Because what if he had indeed gone back to Will? Surely things would not improve between them, especially judging from last night…

_To Niall 10:47  
I just wanted to tell you that you are still always welcome to change your mind, or to call me if you need anything, anytime._

There was no answer, of course, and Liam had also only waited around 2 minutes before his patience had run out and he decided he could not spend his entire day all by himself thinking about Niall or his whereabouts.

So he did the only logical thing, and that was to call Harry.

“Do you wanna come over later?” Liam asked right after saying hello to his cousin, and he only heard a laugh.

“I thought you were super busy with work.” Right, about that…

“Yeah, it turned out that it wasn’t actually that much work, so… “ Actually, Liam did have work, but he could have not concentrated on it anyways, so what was the point? “Do you wanna come?”

“No.” Wait- “Let’s go to the gym instead.”

“Fine. If you really want to.” Liam really did not, but on the other hand… it would surely take his mind off a lot more quickly than listening to Harry’s work stories. “When?”

“Umm… in an hour or so? I’m still at the hospital, kinda crazy on a Sunday.” One second.

“What do you mean, STILL? Why are you even there? Did anything happen?” Well, see, at least now Liam’s attention was only focused on that, which was a good thing even though he of course was also worried about his cousin. He sounded fine though, almost amused, so it couldn’t have been that bad, whatever it was.

“No, just, you know… I hooked up with this guy Friday night and then I felt kinda weird about it and now I thought I’d get myself tested for some STD’s.” Jesus Christ. “I mean, I’ve got no symptoms, but I’ve got a really important week at work coming up and I can’t get sick or spend time at the doctor’s so… yeah, whatever.”

“Did you not use a condom?” What the hell? And Harry was supposed to be the one who was always being careful… then again, actually, that was Liam, not Harry. 

“I can’t really remember. I thought I’d rather be on the safe side… he did live fairly close to the bar we ran into each other… anyways, I’ll tell you later, they are looking at me weird because I’m on the phone. Bye.” Harry had hung up before Liam could have said anything,

So Liam had an hour to kill, which he did not spend at home, he rather shoved some breakfast into his mouth before packing his gym bag and just getting out of here. The sun was shining for once, but Liam really did not care about that because he was in the car anyways. 

He was way too early, so he drove around like a fucking idiot listening to some music, and in the end, he simply parked in front of the gym and decided to wait for Harry in the car. Niall had still not texted him, but Zayn had, so Liam talked to him for a moment, and then to Harry’s mother writing something about Christmas or whatever. 

There was nothing else to do now. Liam felt really stupid, he kept wondering if it was his fault Niall had left, if the boy had decided he couldn’t trust Liam after all, because of something he had or hadn’t done. Then again, the timing made it pretty obvious it had been because of this Will guy.

Maybe he had recognized Liam after all, who knew? Niall hadn’t specified anything in his note and Liam wasn’t going to ask him. Not like he would have gotten an answer.

Harry came earlier than expected, it seemed he was surprised by it himself and Liam was grateful because he really did not wanna sit in his car any longer. He had had to kill the engine every once in a while but then it had gotten cold and- anyways, not the best 40 minutes ever spent.

“And? All clear?” He asked jokingly, but his cousin only shrugged.

“They said they’d call. But I assume I am.” Then he suddenly grinned. “Since when do you immediately agree to go to the gym on a Sunday before midday?”

“No idea, I just felt really energized today. Maybe it’s the sun.” Maybe it’s that Liam had had an almost stranger living with him for the past two days who had randomly taken off in the middle of the night while he had been sleeping. “So what happened with this guy that made you think you’ve got an STD?”

So Harry went on a whole storytime that Liam only half listened to, starting from where they had randomly met at some store that day and that guy had been a total prick, to them getting smashed together at some bar and how much of what had happened had escaped Harry’s memory, to a point where he couldn’t even remember if he had ever asked the man’s name. Apparently the guy had still left an impression for Harry to have left his number though he hadn’t called or texted him yet.

Apparently, Harry also didn’t seem to really care about whether he would or not.

“Anyways, when I woke up his place looked not that nice and I kinda started to think about how often he washed his bedsheets. It smelled a bit like cigarettes.” Harry then shrugged, catching his breath because by this point, they were already on the treadmill working out. “Actually… that was possibly from the bar, and I gotta say I always somehow wonder that with other people, ‘cos you never know, right? So it wasn’t even anything about him or his place. But yeah, whatever I can remember from that night, we did have fun, so it was worth it anyways.”

“I didn’t know you party that hard.” Liam joked and laughed a bit, as far as his breath lasted for that, but at the same time, he felt very confused by this entire story. “And I thought you wanted to focus on work.”

“I am. I just needed a break and some fun. Like, something non-committal, you know? I’ve had enough of that, it never ends well.” Yeah, at least that made a little bit of sense. If not a lot, because it sounded out of character for Harry still. “Maybe you should try that sometime.”

“I don’t think I will.” Especially not now, and Liam was really not the type for any of that, not for commitments, and not for the opposite. Then again, the truth was really that apparently he was too overbearing in relationships, maybe he had been that with Niall too, like… too much, too soon. Although of course in completely different and non-romantic ways.

Either way, Liam wasn’t going to start having one-night stands was the bottom line.

They had to stop talking at some point because they were getting out of breath, and then Harry suggested they should also lift weights and Liam really did not want to, but he never said a word. It WAS a good distraction after all.

In total, they had probably spent 2 hours at the gym in the end, Liam’s muscles were more than just sore, his phone was still empty and somehow, Harry convinced him to go have lunch at this vegan place or whatever. Liam agreed because his breakfast had consisted of one banana and almost stale bread.

If Niall had still been here when he had woken up, he would have again tried to make something better, but now he’d also have that stupid cereal box in his cupboard that no one would ever eat.

Well, it was his fault anyways for doing way too much and buying things Niall would have not finished even if he had stayed for an entire month, which would have not happened either way if just one encounter with his ex or the person he was sleeping with or whatever they called it was enough to make him run away in the middle of the night. 

Harry was in the middle of telling Liam a work related story when he seemed to notice something in the distance, then he rolled his eyes. 

“What?” Liam asked, immediately turning around as well. Oh, it was Zayn.

“What’s he doing here? I think he’s stalking me and all the places I eat at.” Sounded quite like it, but Liam highly doubted it.

“Maybe the people he has meetings with like the same places as you?” He suggested, briefly waving at Zayn when their eyes met. He was alone though and also carrying a bag with food because this was mostly a take away place, so maybe Liam’s theory was wrong.

“Don’t make him come over. Please.” Harry whined, but it was too late anyways. “That ruined my whole day…”

There was no need or time for Liam to say anything, he only quietly told Harry to shut up and pull himself together. The forced smile he got as an answer clearly told him to go fuck himself with that request.

“Hi, guys.” Zayn sounded very cheerful for whatever reason, and Liam couldn’t help but wonder if maybe he had also met somebody new just like everybody seemed to lately. Well, only Harry, but Liam did not have that many social contacts in his free time besides these two.

“Hi. I’d never would’ve guessed to see you in a place like this.” Liam joked, laughing, and of course his cousin couldn’t keep quiet.

“Yeah, what a coincidence.” Could he just let it go? 

“Well, it is one of the number one rated vegan restaurants in the area.” Was it? “I’m trying the food for my vlog.”

“Sorry, your _vlog?_ ” Harry asked, pretending as if he had almost just choked on his detox shot. He probably had, why take it now?! 

“Yeah.” Zayn told him easily, and then he was clearly mocking Harry. “Do you wanna be in it? My camera is still on.”

“I don’t wanna be in your vlog, thank you.” The other man told him with forced politeness and Liam tried to throw a warning glance at him that was ignored. “Is your art not going well anymore? Or whatever else you were doing? I kinda forgot, sorry.”

“Oh no, it’s all going great, I’m just trying something new. I already got the platforms and everything for it.” To be honest, it made sense, Zayn had already built himself a social media presence, but of course Harry would think it was ridiculous. Simply because it was Zayn, not because of the whole concept.

“And what kinda people watch that?” Okay, NOW he had sounded rude.

“My fans.” Zayn told him smoothly, then he smiled. “It was highly requested, actually.”

“Good for you.” Harry told him and Liam should have really cut their conversation off sooner, but he hadn’t known how. “Well, good luck with… whatever comes up next.”

“No worries, I’m already leaving.” Zayn laughed, luckily taking it with humor. “And good luck with your job too. Hopefully you’ll pull a big murder case next, or whatever you people are hoping for.”

“Yeah. Really terrible murder cases. Lots of blood and gore. Love it.” The other man answered dryly and Liam almost had to smile.

They said goodbye after, Zayn petted Liam’s shoulder, and then he had already left and they were alone yet again.

“Was this really necessary?” Apparently.

“It’s just some fun, he knows it. He was playing along.” Harry shrugged, sipping his water. “Besides, he needs to be humbled. Now he already thinks he’s got fans.”

“I think he does, actually.” Most likely, otherwise he would have not been running around making vlogs, right?!

“Are you one of them? Does he pay you to run a fan account for him, too?” Harry joked and Liam just rolled his eyes.

This conversation was going nowhere so Liam decided to simply continue eating his food.

“Would you really hope for a murder case?” Liam asked a couple moments later, with genuine interest, and his cousin shrugged.

“A murder case would not go to me, and probably not to the firm I work at. There are a shit ton of more important and more skilled people out there.” He shrugged, but he also seemed confident. “I don’t plan on staying there forever, but I literally just started, so. Please wait a few years before you kill someone, I’m not ready to defend you in court yet. Unless you wanna go to jail very desperately.”

“Noted.” Liam laughed, but it was interesting to think about that yeah, his cousin WAS a lawyer, even if it sometimes slipped his mind because Liam had obviously never seen him at work. Liam had never needed a lawyer either, but…

It made him think back to Niall, and the man he had been, probably still was again, staying with. What he had done to Niall and that it was an actual crime, and if Niall got in trouble again, if anything like it happened in the future and he came to Liam for help… maybe Harry could have done something as well to help Niall out?

Then again, Niall would have probably not wanted that, would he? And Liam also doubted that he would come to him for help ever again, no idea why, but it was a weird feeling he had.

Liam didn’t wanna go home, so he dragged their time together out as much as possible, and Harry didn’t seem to have anything against that. 

When Liam got home much later than planned because he did go to other places with Harry just to have this day go by quicker, he had a message on his phone, much to his surprise, but the contents also weren’t exciting in any way.

_Niall 18:10  
Thank you._

It sounded very distant, cold, a little bit like “just leave me alone” and when Liam looked outside his window into the darkness and thought about how it could possibly snow very soon, he was just hoping that Niall had a place to stay. And that he had gone to Louis over this Will, because as much as Liam did not like Louis, he knew that at least he’d be there for Niall.

Like Liam would have, if he could have. Like he used to be.

\------------------------

_”Can’t we just go hooome?” Niall was being very whiny ever since this morning, and Liam thought it was probably because it was super cold, and because it had also been snowing and Niall wasn’t allowed to play in the snow and they also did not have proper shoes._

_“I hope we can go soon.” Liam told him quietly, but he doubted._

_They were going with one of the adults today, meaning they could not sneak any food, not take breaks whenever they wanted, and generally had to behave. Usually they were made to come because Niall especially made people feel very bad for them which equaled more money._

_When it was just them going, just the kids, they were supposed to blend in and not attract any attention and it was mostly about stealing, but when it was an adult going with them, usually they had to pretend he was their parent so they would not get in trouble with the police if they were begging on the side of the street._

_Liam hated it, but he did what he was being told most of the time, he had been here long enough to know there was no real use in misbehaving, had gotten hurt too many times over it. Really, there were no benefits, and there was always a time and place to do whatever he wanted. Luckily, Niall stuck to those rules as well since a couple of months now._

_“I’m so cold, I can’t feel my fingers.” Niall complained, and Liam felt the same although he also felt jealous of Niall’s blanket._

_They had been sitting in the same spot for what felt like ages, barely talking because that used a lot of energy too, and Liam was pretty sure they had gotten almost no money so far. The woman they had gone with was almost completely ignoring them, which was kinda good, because some of the adults were super scary and mean._

_“Come here.” Liam had an idea, so he made Niall move despite his complaints, pulling him onto his lap and taking away his blanket._

_Niall only whined about it for a moment, but he quickly seemed to realize how much more comfortable it was for him to be sitting on Liam’s lap and Liam wrapping the blanket around his own shoulders, and automatically around Niall as well when he hugged him. Right, they should have done this sooner, just like whenever they went to sleep._

_“Better, right?” Liam asked quietly, and Niall only nodded, trying to bury himself deeper against him._

_The woman next to them also seemed to approve, probably because it definitely would make people think they were cute. It made Liam a little angry honestly, sometimes he couldn’t help but wonder, like… why did no one ever seriously try to help them, or intervene? Not even the police? Sure, they usually had to run from them, but… still._

_Did they really think a few pounds would help them? These were the kinda times Liam really got Louis’ whole attitude towards humanity as a whole and how he always seemed to think he could trust no one except himself. Maybe he was right, maybe they did need to learn to defend themselves better, stop thinking about a future that would probably never happen._

_Deep down, Liam still hadn’t accepted that this was most likely forever, but he felt like especially lately… there truly was no way out, like, this was it. It was not making Liam feel very good, and even less if he looked at Niall and thought about how he would probably one day not even know a life outside of this anymore._

_Liam didn’t think he’d ever forget his parents, his old life, his school and his friends. But also not how his parents had died, the car accident they had been in while he had been at school… he had simply never seen them again, a social worker had come to pick him up because he had had no other relatives._

_At least none is parents had told him of or introduced him to._

_Liam had also never seen his friends again, they had taken him away from the city he had been born in and after that things became a blur because Liam had not been able to process everything so quickly. He just knew that one day, someone had taken him home from the foster home and he remembered thinking that he would have to get used to a new family, maybe siblings, but somehow, he had ended up here instead._

_With Niall it was different though… maybe it was good if he forgot that his mother had abandoned him?_

_When they were finally leaving, Niall had almost fallen asleep, so Liam ended up carrying him with the boy’s legs and arms wrapped around him and at least that made Liam feel a bit warmer. For some reason, the woman they had gone with decided that they should take the bus back, but she also told Liam if he told anybody about it ever, then she would kill him._

_He swore to her that he wouldn’t, he was really just happy to be inside._

_“Can we sit down?” He asked her, because he had been forced to wake Niall and make him stand on his own and the boy was almost dragging him down with his weight because of how tightly he had his arms wrapped around Liam._

_“Just don’t bother anyone.” She told him, and that was good enough for Liam._

_He lifted Niall on his lap again, and he was pretty sure that he fell asleep again a moment later. The bus was kinda full, and people were talking, and Liam was a bit surprised when someone sat down next to him, but he ignored it at first._

_“Is that your little brother?” It was an older woman, and Liam threw a look to see if they were being watched, but the woman they had come with was busy doing other things._

_“Yes.” Liam told her quietly, hugging Niall closer. He WAS his little brother._

_“He’s lucky he’s got you taking care of him.” She told him, and Liam almost had to smile, feeling a little bit proud._

_Then the woman said nothing more, and Liam thought that was it, but then, he was sadly proven wrong._

_“Is that your mom over there?” She suddenly asked, and Liam immediately got nervous because it had been very unexpected._

_“Umm… “ Liam made, waiting too long with the lie. “Yeah… “_

_The woman nodded, and Liam would have loved to leave, but he couldn’t, he was holding Niall and he was sitting by the window._

_“You know… “ The lady next to him started again, talking more quietly all of a sudden. “I’ve seen you boys a few times in this area, and I just feel like I should tell you that if you needed help, with anything, you could go to a police station, or maybe the hospital. I understand you are probably scared to have some stranger telling you this, I just thought maybe you should hear it, you know? I don’t know if you boys live with your parents, or if that is really your mom, but you’re both just kids and you shouldn’t have to be out there in the cold begging for money.”_

_Liam had fallen silent, he was terrified all of a sudden, that this woman would do something to get them in trouble. He could NEVER come back to this area now. Never again. How many other people had seen them multiple times, were putting two and two together?!_

_“You wouldn’t be turned away, I can promise you that other adults would help you.” She continued, and Liam swallowed hard. “You seem like a very grown up boy for your age, maybe if you wouldn’t do it for yourself, you could think about your little brother and what his future could be like.”_

_They never spoke another word, because the lady got off at the next stop, and Liam was left sitting there thinking about what she had said, and what that possibly meant._

_Liam didn’t think that no one would help him if he tried, but he was afraid of failing and the consequences of that. He was also afraid he’d end up somewhere worse, and the adults in charge had after all caused for him to end up here somehow._

_But also… maybe he could try for Niall, maybe he needed to, maybe it was cruel if he didn’t just because he was terrified of losing Niall._

_If it meant Niall would have a better life though… wasn’t it Liam’s duty as his pretend older brother to at least try?_

\-------------------------

At first, Niall thought living with Louis was not that bad. He had his own key, he could come and go as he pleased, and it was kind of like living with a roommate because Niall did buy his own food now, but Louis didn’t make him pay rent.

Kinda made Niall feel like an idiot that he hadn’t come here first thing, or that he had ever left. Then, slowly, after not even a week, the issues started piling up again and he remembered why he had never wanted to come back. At least not to stay.

Louis worked super late, meaning he constantly woke Niall up coming home and making noise, he forgot to do the dishes or didn’t care, he invited their friends over while Niall had uni things to do, and one of his _clients_ or whatever to call them almost started to get violent. Plus, the whole flat smelled of cigarettes and weed whenever people were over, and it seemed the scent never left anymore.

Now if people at uni had had doubts whether Niall had ever taken any drugs… that was surely gone. At least they wouldn’t be able to smell any of the other things that were being taken in that flat.

Niall wasn’t complaining though, he had no options left, and he decided he was just grateful that whatever Louis had told Will, it had instantly put a stop to the text messages he had been sending him for two days straight after Niall had left Liam’s.

Maybe he was lying somewhere in a ditch, dead. Would Niall still be asked to come to court if he pretended not to have an idea who could have done it?

On Saturday morning, almost a week after Niall had first gotten here, he woke up after the shortest night ever, cursing Louis in his head as he thought about the hellish noise he had made banging his stupid bed against the wall fucking whoever he had dragged home in the middle of the bloody night. No big deal, Niall only had 12 thousand things to finish for uni this weekend.

“Morning.” When Niall entered the kitchen, he flinched so hard he actually walked into the doorframe. Okay, this was NOT Louis.

“Um, hi.” Well, now Niall knew who had made all this noise last night. At least something.

“You’re Niall, right?” Okay, when had this man and Louis had time to talk? Because it had actually only sounded like moaning and grunting, but fine.

“Yeah… nice to, uh, meet you.” Not under these circumstances though. Niall tried not to look at the man drinking tea at the kitchen table too obviously as he went to make some breakfast. Only for himself. “Is Louis not up yet?”

“I don’t think so.” He didn’t sound as if he cared. But he was also still here, so… “I’m Harry, by the way.”

“Okay… are you and Louis like… friends?” Niall made the word sound weird, because they both knew he had heard all of their shenanigans last night. It seemed this Harry did not care.

“I’m honestly not sure.” He laughed, and Niall wasn’t sure if he should have joined. So he didn’t. 

They didn’t speak to each other, just once when Niall asked, out of politeness, if Harry also wanted some yoghurt. Apparently he couldn’t because he was vegan and Niall just let it go.

They both sat there in silence, Niall wished he would have left the kitchen already, but something made him keep looking at Harry.

“Have we met before?” Seriously, this was getting a bit eerie, like… he looked very familiar somehow.

“We have, actually.” Harry agreed, much to Niall’s surprise. All of a sudden, he looked a bit embarrassed almost. “You got me my package even though I forgot the notification slip… last week? Louis and I didn’t exactly, uh, hit it off then.”

“Wait… “ Holy shit?! “You… you slept with him after this happened, I- sorry, this is none of my business, but- what?”

“I mean, we randomly ran into each other again that day and… you know.” So did this mean also, that…

“So you’re the lawyer from last weekend as well?!” Okay, Niall should have not been yelling around like this, but WHAT?!

“I- I guess. Unless he’s sleeping with more lawyers.” Then he laughed really strangely and Niall’s eyes almost popped out of their sockets. Damn it, this was just TOO fucking strange.

“Louis was a total prick to you in that store.” Also, he HATED people like this Harry, what were they even doing?! Louis had illegal drug sales in this flat for crying out loud!

“He was.” Harry agreed, but maybe that was some strange kink of his, Niall didn’t even want to know anymore.

“Crazy… sorry, I just can’t wrap my head around this. But, uh, it’s none of my business and this is Louis’ place, so… “ Niall shrugged, trying to act normal. 

“He said you’re living with him for a while?” So yeah, then they started to have awkward small talk, Niall made up a whole bunch of lies about his own life and tried to avoid talking about Louis.

He didn’t want to ruin this for his friend, although he had no idea why he would even want any of it in the first place. Maybe he needed a lawyer to cover up his traces if he decided to murder Will after all?

Niall decided he could not stay here, so he left to go get dressed and pack his laptop, but he stopped on his way out to make use of the WIFI and quickly watch a video he needed to watch for one of his projects. He could have watched it at uni in the library, but his headphones were broken and he didn’t want to get kicked out.

Niall was taking two classes not in his curriculum, not because he wanted to, but because he had to and he had waited until almost his last semester to get those credits. So one of them was graphic design basics, which Niall thought could have helped him out very much in the music industry as well if he ever graduated, but the stuff was harder than he had thought when signing up.

So watching some Youtube tutorials to get easy explanations was never a bad idea, right?

Once Niall had finished the video, he was about to just sneak out, but sadly, Harry almost ran into him on his way to the front door.

“Oops, sorry, I- what was the name of the person? That made the video you just watched?” Jesus, was this an interrogation?!

“Umm… “ Niall made, having to actually check his phone again. “Zayn something… oh, Malik. Wh-”

“Why were you watching that?” What was it to him?!

“I’m taking a graphic design class and his Photoshop tutorials help me with my homework and stuff… why?” What the fuck was this day?

“No reason.” Harry then laughed, like a maniac, and shook his head. “Small world, is all.”

No idea what he meant in this case, but considering he and Niall had already met a week ago… Niall could only agree. He asked Harry to let Louis know that he would be gone all day to study at the library, for ONCE, but honestly, he knew Louis would have never asked anyways.

Niall tried not to think about Liam then, on the most boring bus ride to uni, tried to be okay with how things were now, his life and the small pace everything was moving at. It wasn’t easy, but at least this way, Niall was only dependent on Louis and at least he could be certain Louis would never kick him out because it felt like he knew him better than the back of his hand.

Still, Niall had a hard time forgetting Liam, their past and what had happened during these few days and… deep down, he wanted to run into him at uni, wanted for all of this to be fixed, for all of them to talk it out and be… friends, maybe?

Realistically, he knew that would never happen, but he could dream, right? Just like he had all his life, with nothing ever turning out the way he had hoped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello :)
> 
> almost did not finish this chapter on time, but once again i somehow made it haha! hope you liked it! im kinda having fun letting them all cross paths somehow with no one knowing who they are actually talking to :D i also just realized i gotta hurry with my christmas chapter because i only got 2 more chapters in between!
> 
> let me know your thoughts if you want! have a great week <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: alcohol & drug abuse

Liam found it incredibly hard to just try and forget about what had happened. One, because he had never actually forgotten about Niall in the first place ever since they had been kids, but of course two, because now he knew about his situation, knew that he actually needed help, and he was so close and yet… Liam was absolutely incapable of helping him.

Which, in return, also affected his work because yeah, he could talk to all these kids and try to help them, but was he really? How many of them had problems like Niall, that Liam had no idea about, that he couldn’t have ever even grasped? What was the point of it all, if Liam couldn’t even help the one person who he KNEW needed it and who he cared about?

It was an existential crisis that Liam was not experiencing for the first time, especially at this time of year, but the first time that it was actually well funded in something that had happened and wasn’t coming out of nowhere.

At the same time, while this conflict was going on inside of him, he had to pretend it was all good and well. As usual.

“We’re not getting each other presents, right?” Harry asked the same question every single year, and Liam always just shook his head. He never got anyone a present, just his aunt for inviting him, and sometimes for the kids, but only if he randomly saw something appropriate.

“I wouldn’t know what to get you.” Liam told him, but he had also never thought about it in depth, there had never been a need because this no present rule had been established 10 years ago. “A voucher for another STD testing maybe. Or a free session to talk about your obvious emerging problems with alcohol consumpt-“

“Don’t be so fucking rude, Li. Where is this coming from?” The other man didn’t seem to know whether he should have been laughing or not. Liam honestly didn’t know either, he wasn’t in the best mood as usual, and he had no idea why he had agreed to spend his Friday night at Harry’s house.

It had now almost been two weeks since he had last seen Niall, and considering the fact that he had really only spent such little time with him, it should have been fairly easy to move on, right?

Wrong.

It actually seemed to get worse with time, if Liam was being quite honest. Because the more time passed, the more did he have to think about how much could have gone wrong during that time.

Every day, Niall could have gone back to this Will, or made up with him or… done god knows what. Dropped out of uni and started to pursue whatever career Louis was striving for for all Liam knew. Not that working in a bar was a bad job or whatever, Liam simply did not want Niall near Louis and it was absolutely not his call to make or his problem to worry about.

Didn’t stop him though.

“I’m just saying… the amount of times you got yourself tested now, I’d think you would remember to wear a condom once in a while, like… “ Seriously, this was getting a bit worrisome. “Or maybe that guy should get himself tested instead. If he’s that gross why are you sleeping with him 300 times a week anyways?”

“He’s not gross, Liam. You completely misunderstood this whole situation. Also, I only got tested twice, and the second time was because he said he might have caught something. Not during sex with someone else, but like, an infection or something.” Wow, why was Liam here?

“And you believed that?” Seriously, this guy sounded like a right idiot, like he was just playing with Harry and no idea what Harry thought he would gain from it, but he kept claiming it was all for fun anyways.

“Why wouldn’t I? He has no reason to lie anyway, we’re not dating or anything. He can sleep with whoever else he wants.” The way Harry said it made it clear he would have not appreciated it though, but Liam bit his tongue.

They had ordered food and it wasn’t here yet, but Liam wasn’t that hungry anymore anyways. He had paid for it all though, so there was of course that.

“Sounds really fulfilling, congratulations.” Liam couldn’t help all the teasing and the sarcasm today, it had been a long week, and he had thought he had seen Niall at uni today, but then the person had already disappeared and maybe Liam was going insane.

“Jesus, maybe you should try and get some dick also to help you loosen up or something.” His cousin snorted, then he got up to go and do whatever and Liam ignored him as he remained on the couch, staring at whatever was on on the TV without listening to any of it.

It was the 4th of December, and Liam was slightly excited because he would be on Christmas break soon, but then again… what would he be doing during that time, anyways? It would be fun for a few days, but then… 

Also, no one else had that long of a break like him, sure, Zayn could always take time off if he had no fixed appointments, but also, Liam didn’t really wanna hang out with him all the time either.

There really was only one thing Liam wanted, and he felt so pathetic for it that he didn’t even dare finish the thought, because what the fuck? His whole life couldn’t just revolve around Niall from now on, he needed to let it go. Niall was 24 years old, he could take care of himself, he had done it the past 18 years without Liam, he would continue to do it.

End of story.

“I was going to tell you a really funny story actually, but then you kept going on about how I can’t have sex for fun and now I kinda don’t wanna tell you anymore.” Harry came back a while later, and Liam had honestly forgotten where he even was or what they had been talking about by that time.

“Okay, then don’t tell me.” He didn’t wanna know anyways.

Harry let out some sound of annoyance as he let himself fall onto the couch and they were silent for a moment, but them, of course, he went ahead anyways. “Apparently Zayn does have fans.”

“Did you stalk him online?” Didn’t sound so unlikely. Harry always went on and on about how stupid Zayn was, but he was probably more obsessed with whatever he was doing than anyone else. Also the other way around, Liam wasn’t quite sure what these two thought they were doing, but… 

“No, I actually met someone who watches his videos. Isn’t that crazy? Like, his videos genuinely seem to appeal to some random people that I meet. I feel like he’s truly stalking ME, not the other way around, I don’t even care about his existence.” Right. 

“Who was it?” Liam asked with no real interest, checking the time again that said when the food would arrive. 

“A friend of the guy I’m sleeping with, actually.” Then Harry laughed, as if it was really that funny and special. 

“Why are you meeting his friends now? I thought this was just for the sex.” Was it selfish that Liam did not want Harry to get his heart broken, because he himself could not be bothered to try and pick up the pieces again?

Not because he didn’t care about Harry, but because he had done it way too many times in this life. 

“Well, he was there, kind of, he lives with him or something, I don’t even know. Kinda weird, but whatever. I just thought it was so random, he watched that video in front of me and I just heard Zayn’s name in the beginning and then I asked him after and he confirmed it. I just couldn’t believe it.” No idea why this was so hard to believe but apparently… “Something about photoshop.”

“Zayn’s good with that.” Was all Liam could say to that, and then, he decided he needed to be a bit nicer all of a sudden. “What’s that guy’s name anyways? The one you’re sleeping with?”

“L-“

Before Harry could finish, the doorbell had rung and he jumped up immediately, and Liam had instantly forgotten about it because he had never even cared in the first place. Plus, he always forgot the people Harry was having flings with or whatever it was this time, so maybe it was better if he never even knew.

At least then his cousin couldn’t say he hadn’t been listening to his stories.

The food was good, at least Liam thought so, and luckily Harry abstained from talking about his private life while they were eating, so that was something. 

Afterwards, Liam kinda wanted to leave already, but it was still only 9 in the evening and the film wasn’t even over yet so he decided to stay for a little bit longer. What would he have done at home anyways, right? Except going to bed, but then he would have woken up way too early in the morning and it would be a Saturday, so no thanks.

“Did you already get a present for my mom? I have no idea what to get her this year, like… she doesn’t even like anything at all even when she says she does, I know she’s always just pretending.” To be fair, Harry wasn’t the best gifter, but Liam also didn’t wanna say that since they never gave each other gifts.

“Just get her a book or something. I’ve no real ideas either, I always just get her some decoration or whatever.” But Liam had it easy, because whatever he got her she seemed to love, if only for the fact that it was from him. “I don’t think she really cares what anyone gets her, she’s just happy we all come.”

“True… maybe I could just bring some food. Or bake cookies or… I don’t know.” Hopefully he wouldn’t, because Liam was CERTAIN he would have to help with that and he really did not feel like it this year.

After the film was over, Harry switched over to put on one of those shows he was currently watching and though Liam wasn’t able to follow the plot at all, he still stayed for a lot longer than planned.

At some point though, he did get up to go to the bathroom, and when he came back, he got his phone from the coffee table to check the time, only to freeze. Not only because it was kinda late now, but also because of the message he must have received a couple minutes ago but hadn’t seen the display light up.

_Niall 22:40  
Are you still awake??_

No idea why Liam wouldn’t be awake, and normally he would have not really thought anything of the message either, but the fact that it was from Niall and that there were two question marks for whatever reason were almost sending him into panic mode immediately.

God, Liam hated that this was effecting him so much, that he was almost EXCITED.

_To Niall 22:51  
I’m awake. Everything okay?_

Upon sending the message, Harry suddenly started to talk about the plot of the series and Liam tried to pretend as if he was listening, but he was really only staring at his phone, nervously chewing his lip as he tried to tell himself that it was probably fine, nothing at all.

Maybe Niall had simply texted him by mistake?

After five minutes though, Liam really could not take it any longer.

“Sorry, I gotta call someone real quick.” Liam got up, ignoring Harry’s confusion.

“At eleven on a Friday night?” He asked while Liam left the room to go back to the bathroom. He did not need his cousin to listen to this conversation… if it would even happen.

Niall didn’t pick up immediately, which was normal but still gave Liam another few seconds of crippling anxiety.

“Liam?” He sounded fairly normal, but also very quiet, so it was hard to tell.

“Yeah, I- are you okay?” Liam decided to just cut the bullshit, he was too worked up for this, he hadn’t heard from or seen Niall in two weeks and now THIS. “Because of your text.”

“Umm… “ The boy made, and Liam could somehow tell that he was not okay and that something had had to be going on for him to act this way. There were goosebumps on Liam’s skin thinking about all that could have been going on considering the circumstances. 

“Where are you?” Liam just asked when nothing came, because what else would he have said or done, seriously? He couldn’t just not say anything.

“I’m, like… “ Then Niall stopped again and Liam heard him taking a breath, the background seemed to be quiet though as far as he could tell. “In front of this club… “

“Okay. Did anything happened?” Liam kept pushing, because it was a Friday night, he wasn’t surprised that Niall had gone out, he didn’t sound drunk, but then again, who knew?

“… I don’t know.” Niall half whispered and this was only getting more and more confusing.

“Are you alone?” A good question, Liam almost felt proud of himself as he was pacing up and down Harry’s small bathroom.

“Right now, yeah… “ Okay, what did that even mean?

“Who’d you go out with?” If he said Will then Liam would get into his car right now and just murder this man, straight up, no questions asked.

“Just some friends… “ Okay, this could be anyone, Louis, Will, both of them, who even knew? “They’re inside though… “

There was silence between them, Niall was clearly taking more deep breaths and Liam just decided to screw it and stop with all this bullshit because it wasn’t going anywhere.

“Should I come and get you?” He finally asked, honestly not expecting Niall to agree immediately, but apparently, he was more desperate then he had made it sound.

“If… if it’s not a bother and if you-“

“It’s not. Just tell me where you are.” Liam cut him off immediately, he was really not looking to have another discussion with Niall about whether he was bothering him or not.

So Niall needed a while to actually be able to tell Liam where he was, and then he kept going on about how his battery was almost empty and before they could properly end the conversation, the line had already gone dead. When Liam tried to call him back, Niall’s phone was turned off.

Great.

“I’m leaving, I really need some sleep.” Liam announced as he walked back to the living room, not even stopping anymore. “Thanks for inviting me and-“

“Seriously? Who’d you just call?” Harry was of course not happy with the lack of communication, but Liam was in a hurry now. 

“Just a colleague- it has nothing to do with me leaving.” Liam was an idiot, wasn’t he?

“You pretty much just confirmed that it does have something to do with it, but I’ll let it slide because I’m also tired. Just make sure to be careful with… whatever. Use protection or something.” Did Harry seriously think Liam was leaving to hook up with someone?

Well, he had more important things on his mind right now.

“Maybe you should listen to your own advice.” Liam joked while putting on his shoes and his cousin snorted.

“I’ve used protection every time except once and I got tested for it, I told you fifty times.” He had, unfortunately. “But seriously, you look a bit worked up. Be careful when you’re driving, I don’t have any other cousins.”

“I’ll try my best.” Liam promised before they said goodbye one more time, and the moment the door had fallen closed behind him, Liam quickened his steps.

He had parked the car right outside the building, repeating the street name in his head the entire time as he started the engine before having to fumble way too long to get his phone to tell him the way there. It was in an area he knew, but he never went to clubs, so how would he have known for sure?

Liam was really nervous, he had no idea what to expect, no idea what he would be doing if he couldn’t find Niall because his battery was empty, and on top of that, he had no idea who Niall was potentially with. And if it was Louis and he had come outside in the meantime… well, Liam was not prepared to get into THAT kinda fight tonight.

He took the wrong way two times, and by the time Liam reached the right street, he honestly thought Niall had told him the wrong one. It was dead quiet and empty, and seemingly in an area with just apartments and random, small stores that were now closed, but when Liam got to the end, he could definitely see some neon sign right at the corner.

If this wasn’t it then he would have to give up.

Liam drove slowly, afraid some drunken people would stumble in front of his car, but actually, there was no one there. Except a figure standing on the sidewalk, jumping up and down a bit, and it took Liam quite a long time to confirm to himself that it was indeed Niall because the street lights were so poorly lit.

He stopped the car, not killing the engine but rather leaning all the way across the seat to push open the car of the passenger door, so Niall would know it was him and not some stranger. The boy did take a step back at first, as if he was afraid someone would kidnap him or something.

“Niall, it’s me. Get in.” Liam almost demanded, but that was because he was still so anxious, and luckily, Niall didn’t have to be told twice.

Relief spread through Liam as he got in the car immediately. The moment he did, Liam could smell the smoke and the alcohol on him, could tell that something more must have happened, also by the way Niall kept throwing glances out of the window, back to where the club was.

“Hi… “ He mumbled after pulling the door closed, clearing his throat, his voice quiet. “Thanks for coming… “

“Yeah, no worries. What kinda place is that?” Liam was a bit wary as he kept looking at what must have been the entrance, but there were no windows and the door was tainted and if it hadn’t been for the sign, he would have never guessed it was a night club.

“Some underground club… “ The boy mumbled, sinking back more deeply into the seat. Something was up with him, Liam just couldn’t say what exactly it was.

“Where should I drive you?” It was a question Liam knew he had to ask, but judging by the silence and the clear discomfort coming from the boy, he knew the answer and what Niall was too afraid to ask, so the older man decided to save him. “You can stay with me if you want to.”

“I, uh… I know it’s really late and I’m sorry I made you drive here, I just didn’t know who e-“

“So you wanna stay with me?” Liam interrupted the rambling, he had had enough of it already, and from previous experience, he knew there was absolutely no need or point to try and talk Niall out of his worries, because he kept having them.

“If it’s okay with you... please.” Niall told him very carefully and Liam felt really bad for him.

“I wouldn’t have offered if it wasn’t.” He would have never even come. “But you gotta put your seatbelt on or I can’t drive.”

He took kinda long to do that, and that was yet another sign for Liam that something was up, but he decided that he would ignore it for now.

They didn’t really talk on the way because there was nothing to say and Liam could not wrap his head around how this night had turned out. To be fair, he had been thinking about Niall beforehand, but he had been doing that for two weeks now, so it meant nothing.

The smell was still prominent when Liam parked the car in his usual spot in front of his building, the drive had honestly not been that long so the silence hadn’t even been uncomfortable. Just nerve wrecking, but Liam had come to expect that with Niall anyways.

He watched the boy closely as he got out of the car, and he was aware that Niall was embarrassed, but there was more to it and it was rather obvious. He had definitely had something to drink, and possibly smoked not only normal cigarettes. God knows what else he had taken, Liam was not sure if he wanted to know. 

“I’ve got some leftovers if you’re hungry.” Liam told him as they walked up the stairs, he walked in front of Niall, not looking back at him so he’d maybe be able to be less embarrassed about this situation.

Also a little bit because Liam was afraid to look at him in the lights, afraid of what he would see, what possible new bruises or old ones that had yet again split open like last time. Maybe remains of whatever else he had been doing tonight that had led to him having no other option left, yet again, but to call Liam for help.

“I’m good… thank you.” Niall mumbled, from further behind than Liam would have expected.

He couldn’t look away anymore once they had entered his apartment and Liam had locked the door, finally feeling a bit more relaxed, but that feeling was short lived.

Niall did not look good.

He was wearing normal clothes and it did not look as if he had gone out to a club judging from his appearance alone, but Liam was more focused on other details anyways. Like how red shot his eyes were, how pale his skin was and how nervous he seemed to be constantly picking at the skin next to his thumb or biting his nails that were almost non-existent anyways.

Somehow, he seemed unnaturally nervous to be here and Liam could only assume that it probably had several reasons. One being the most obvious one, the second possibly coming from whatever he had ingested tonight.

Still, Liam decided not to ask and keep on acting as if none of this was out of the norm. Because, to be 100% fair and honest, was this really a surprise? No. Just the fact that he had again called Liam for help was.

“You can borrow some clothes from me… I also got some spare toothbrushes.” Because maybe if he brushed his teeth and showered then the smell would disappear and not get stuck in Liam’s apartment. Not that it was THAT bad, but still, it kept reminding him that Niall had just had two whole weeks to smoke and take whatever without his knowledge.

“Okay… “ Was all Niall said, now scratching at his face as if he was trying to hide it and Liam wouldn’t have been surprised if he was. 

He would have not minded had Niall come to his bedroom with him, but he didn’t, he waited for Liam to return with a shirt and some joggers.

Because it was late and Liam knew that he would not get a word out of Niall anyways, he asked him if he wanted to shower or not, because Liam WAS tired and as relieved as he was that Niall was here, he was also worried and this whole situation would not get any better with them just standing there, not saying anything.

Niall barely spoke a word, just agreed, and the next thirty minutes were just spent with them individually getting ready to go to sleep. Niall left his clothes on the living room chair, and Liam felt an urge to offer to wash them, but he held back. Not tonight.

It was once they were both showered and had brushed their teeth together in silence like they had already done two weeks again and Liam kept thinking about how he should have gotten Niall smaller clothes, that the whole atmosphere seemed to have changed all at once.

Liam had gotten Niall a blanket and pillow so he could sleep on the couch again, as well as a charger for his phone that Niall had not yet plugged his phone into.

“Alright, do you need-“

As Liam turned around while asking after having put the blanket and pillow on the couch, his question got stuck in his throat as he looked at the boy standing there, having watched him.

He was crying. 

Niall wasn’t even really trying to hold back either, he was just hugging himself and then he did try to hastily wipe at his face, but it was completely pointless. Now he looked like a total mess, in more than just one way, and Liam felt his heart aching.

“Niall… “ He started, surprised and not really knowing what to do or say right now. Fuck. “Are you… do you want talk about it? Did anything happen tonight, or… “

The boy only shook his head a couple times, in an attempt to take a deep breath and say something, but his voice broke away right again while Liam just stood there, feeling helpless. Maybe he should have asked more questions, pushed Niall to tell him, but he hadn’t wanted to get him to say things he didn’t wanna share or think he had to tell Liam just because he had come to pick him up.

Now, he wasn’t sure anymore if it had been the right choice.

“Did… did anybody hurt you?” Liam asked, though he knew he would have not gotten an honest answer anyways.

Niall shook his head, still crying, silently, his body shaking a bit though. He was really having a breakdown now, and there was nothing Liam could have done.

Or maybe there was, he just hadn’t known it was an option, or something the boy would have wanted.

Liam slowly stepped closer, no idea what for, but it seemed to be enough for Niall to close the distance between them so suddenly and unexpectedly that Liam almost flinched as the boy went to hug him. A lot more tightly than expected.

He still smelled faintly like that club and whatever else, but Liam hugged him back kind of automatically, his heart racing from the sudden close contact, his mind as well. What was even going on?

Liam held Niall for a while, rubbing his back, feeling a bit as if this was not even real, as if he was dreaming or something. Not because it was so great, but because he genuinely felt more confused than ever.

“Are you sure you don’t wanna talk about it?” Liam asked quietly after a while, the boy still clinging to him for his dear life, as if he had no intention at all of ever letting go. How come just a couple hours ago Liam had been trying to just forget about him and what had happened, and now they were here like this, hugging?!

“T-There’s n-nothing to s-say… “ Niall half sobbed into Liam’s shoulder, his fingers curled so tightly into his shirt that it was almost uncomfortable.

“Okay, but… “ But obviously there was a LOT to say. “Niall, if there is anything I can do to help…you can tell me, and I’ll try my best.”

“I j-just… “ He cried and Liam couldn’t remember the last time he had felt such absolute helplessness. “I d-don’t w-wanna be alone… “

“You’re not. I’m here.” Liam told him automatically, because he was. Turned out that was not what Niall had meant at all and it only broke Liam’s heart further.

“N-No I- I m-mean… in g-general. I’m s-sorry a-about w-what h-happened and- i-if I’m g-getting o-on your n-nerves… I-I’m… I f-feel so l-lonely a-all the t-time a-and- I d-don’t k-know w-what to d-do… “ When he finished, Liam’s brain felt empty, completely, he could only focus on holding Niall, not saying a word because he was so perplex. It didn’t get better when the boy continued. “L-Liam… p-please d-don’t leave m-me a-again… I o-only h-have you a-and L-Louis a-and h-he… “

No idea what would have come after, what Louis was or wasn’t, because Niall never finished that sentence, but Liam also never asked because he suddenly felt like crying as well.

He had never thought that after all these years, Niall would be here begging him to not leave him like he had once done, no matter the reason back then. Niall had not really given Liam the feeling that he wanted him in his life now other than for a place to stay and maybe some help, so Liam would have never in a billion years thought they’d be here now, with Niall breaking down asking this of him.

He was more than likely influenced by whatever he had consumed tonight, but it still sounded more than genuine, and he WAS clinging to Liam crying into his shirt at the same time.

How was Liam going to ever fix this mess he had created, unknowingly, when he had been so young he had not known any better? 

“You could never annoy me, and I’m not going anywhere, Ni… “ He promised, using the boy’s old nickname, because suddenly, Liam did feel transported back into the past. Or rather, he himself did not feel like a child again, but for a moment, it was like he was hugging a five year old Niall waking up from a nightmare. “You’re not alone, I’m here. Okay? And I’m so sorry about everything that happened… ”

There was no answer, he continued crying though and Liam kept hugging him, kept rubbing his back, trying to think of something to say or do.

In his desperation, he could only really think of one thing to offer, as strange as it would have been in any other context, for a moment, Liam didn’t think it was weird at all.

“You can sleep in my room if you want to… if you don’t wanna be alone out here… “ Liam’s bed was big enough for two people, obviously, they wouldn’t have been touching in any way. Then again, they were touching right now, and Liam had never again spent as many nights with a single person as he had with Niall when they had been kids, so…

“O-Okay… “ Niall agreed immediately, which was a surprise, but also not at all.

They let go of each other slowly, Liam stayed in the embrace for a moment longer when he felt Niall not being ready to let go. When he did let his arms sink slowly, he kept his head down, and Liam wasn’t thinking as he reached out, softly rubbing his thumbs over the boy’s cheeks to try and dry his skin a bit. Niall just let him, he sniffed a few times, but his tears seemed to have run out at this point.

“C’mon… “ Liam tried to encourage him gently, keeping his hand on the small of Niall’s back as he guided him to his bedroom. He did take the blanket from the couch with him, but he had more than enough pillows on his bed anyways.

Niall seemed a bit unsure, but he did get into the bed when Liam told him to just choose whatever side he wanted. He was looking around the room for a moment, and it was a little weird to see him here, getting into Liam’s bed and all. At the same time, it felt so normal that Liam just ended up being confused by his own emotions.

He closed his door and turned off the main lights after Niall had lied down, only leaving on the one on his bedside table. Liam then made sure to put the spare blanket over the boy, Niall’s face red as a tomato, either from this or from all the crying. Probably all of it though.

“Okay?” Liam asked as he half lied down as well, underneath his own blanket, and Niall just nodded next to him. He looked exhausted now, and Liam felt quite the same to be quite honest. “Can I turn the lights off?”

“Yeah… “ Niall mumbled, sniffing a bit again and Liam waited another moment to reach over, rubbing his thumb over Niall’s cheek once more and ruffling his hair softly before plunging them into darkness.

They were both quiet for a moment, maybe longer than that, but Niall kept moving next to him anyways, so Liam knew he hadn’t fallen asleep yet either way.

“Ni… “ He started slowly, well aware that he was probably stressing Niall out just by this. “Who’d you stay with the past two weeks?”

“Louis...” Thank god. As much as Liam hated this, he was at least certain that Louis would have never physically hurt Niall unlike Will. Not on full purpose, at least.

“Did he go with you tonight?” Liam just had to know what the situation had been like, he was too curious and too desperate to help. Especially now, after Niall had basically admitted that he… missed Liam? Something like that at least.

“Yeah… he’s probably still there…” Right, that explained a lot. Liam would have not kept pushing, but Niall continued by himself, after a few shaky breaths, his voice very quiet as he mumbled the words somewhere into the pillow. “I told him…about what Will did to me and- he said he’d kill him and I think they talked, but… I’ve not heard from Will since then and I don’t know what really happened, but… Louis’ on my side and… and he knows I stayed with you. That’s why I left two weeks ago, to talk to him, because he was pissed, and… and yeah… “

“It’s really good that you told him.” Liam tried to encourage Niall, and he was also glad that Louis was on Niall’s side, that he had his back at least, because Liam did not know this Will, he couldn’t really intervene and keep Niall from going back to him. Louis could.

“Yeah… “ Niall mumbled, and Liam wasn’t sure if he really thought so as well. “… I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you, it was really rude and- I just thought… I was afraid that you’d kick me out or grow tired of me at some point and- and then I’d have to go back to Will because Louis was so mad and so I went to talk to him immediately and- I’m sorry… also for right now and-“

“Ni, you need to stop apologizing. To me and to everyone. You don’t have to be sorry about anything at all, I get it. The situation is difficult, but you’re trying your best. And I’m on your side, and so is Louis and neither of us would ever kick you out and make you go stay with Will again.” And even if they didn’t get along or actually didn’t know each other, it was somewhat a comfort to Liam to know Niall also had Louis.

“But, um… Louis thinks I only went to you because you, uh, because you’ve got a good job and a nice place- he thinks I was only using you, and that’s not true at all, but I didn’t correct him because I wanted him to stop being mad and-“

“It’s okay. It doesn’t matter. Alright? I never thought you came to me for that reason, and even if you did, it would have still been okay, and I’d still be there for you.” Liam promised, and he really and truly meant it, especially now.

He could tell how torn apart Niall felt because of this whole situation, so Liam was not going to add onto that obviously. After what Niall had just told him while sobbing and clinging to him, Liam would never again doubt that Niall wanted him to help, and to be in his life one way or another. That maybe he would have not minded had Liam gotten onto his nerves the past two weeks asking where he was, if he was okay.

“Okay… “ He sounded slightly comforted, and Liam kinda wanted to reach out again, but then he didn’t. It seemed to have been the right choice. “Li… “

“Yeah?” Liam asked, his stomach feeling warmer because of Niall having made use of his old nickname also. 

“There’s, uh… something else… “ Niall started, moving around quite a bit in bed, and Liam tried to brace himself, but honestly, he kinda already knew. “Louis, um… he’s got like… a few problems with, uh… alcohol and… and drugs. He keeps denying it, since years, but it’s- everyone knows and… I’ve like- when I was younger, I… I would regularly, uh, take a whole bunch of things at his place, with his friends and… sometimes I still do, but like… not much, and not regularly, maybe once a month.”

What was Liam supposed to say to that, when he had already known anyways? He stayed quiet, and Niall probably misinterpreted it as him being shocked or surprised. They had kinda touched on this though, when Niall had come to his office the very first time.

“It’s not like- like I’m addicted. I can go months without, probably forever, it’s just… when I have really bad days… and then Louis has access to it all and—and tonight… you know… sometimes it makes me feel even worse, like anxious and scared and...and yeah. That’s why I wanted to leave… and why I don’t like staying with him, because… you know. His place is like… a bit of a hotspot for… that sorta stuff… “ Why, again, was Liam not surprised?

“He sells it?” He just asked, without thinking, and the silence was answer enough anyways. “Maybe you shouldn’t tell me that… it’s better if I don’t know.”

“Yeah… he’d kill me if he knew I said anything at all, I just… “ Niall took another deep breath. “I thought maybe… maybe one day that, like… we could all talk. All three of us. And maybe… maybe you could, um talk to Louis about this and… and he could get better.”

“And what about you?” Liam was more concerned with that right now.

“I’m good… “ Niall started, then he quickly continued. “I mean, I don’t need it or anything. Not like him. I’d be fine if I never took anything again, it’s just… all my friends do it so… “

“So you give in more often than you want.” Liam finished the sentence for him. He could only imagine it hadn’t been better at Will’s place, maybe slightly, but he had had other issues. Niall was constantly in environments where he was exposed to this kinda stuff, these people, it was actually kind of a miracle he was even here right now talking so openly about it, seriously wanting change, out of his own will. 

“Yeah… but I’ve also not felt so great lately, um… because of uni and stuff and- and it’s December and all… it makes me, uh, kinda, like… depressed.” Niall admitted, and Liam knew what he meant. “Maybe because it’s always so dark so early… that’s normal, right? Lots of people have that?”

“Yeah… “ Liam agreed, and for Niall’s sake, he did not add that he was fairly certain Niall had deeper lying issues than seasonal depression. Not that that wasn’t bad in itself, but clearly the boy struggled all year round. “Look… I’d love if all three of us could talk, but… I’m not sure if it’s the smartest idea, or if Louis would even agree. Maybe you and I should talk first.”

Clearly, that was what Niall was terrified of. Then again, Louis being there wouldn’t have made it better, it would have merely taken a bit of focus off of Niall, but maybe that was what he wanted. For Liam to think he was doing just fine, but only in comparison to Louis.

“Maybe… “ Niall agreed quietly, after a very long pause.

“But if Louis would agree I’d talk to him as well.” Liam added, but he could tell it was too late for this kind of conversation. Plus, Louis agreeing to this sounded IMPOSSIBLE.

“I don’t think he will either, but… maybe eventually… “ He didn’t sound very hopeful at all, which made sense because… it was Louis. And if there was one thing he hated, one thing he had always hated, it was a traitor.

Which Liam was, in his eyes, even if the situation was a whole lot more complicated than that. To be fair, sometimes Liam wondered how Louis was not also hating Niall for the entire thing, but he assumed it was because Niall had not willingly been a part of it, he had been 6 years old and in the end, he had gained nothing from it.

Liam had, but he couldn’t have known that back then.

“I’ll have to tell him I was here tonight… “ Niall sounded worried about that, which Liam could understand very well.

“Just tell him you called me on accident, that you were super drunk and you didn’t even want my help. Say you can’t remember coming here.” Liam suggested, because he’d gladly take the blame for it, it would have made no difference for him anyways.

“No, then he will only hate you more… and also, he will say you drugged me or something and- I’m a bit afraid still that he actually killed Will, like… I wouldn’t put it past him. I’ll tell him the truth, then at least he might think you were really nice for helping me… “ Liam doubted that, very highly, but if that was what Niall wanted… “Also, he won’t wake up before midday anyways, and maybe he went home with someone else so he won’t even notice that I left or that I never went to his place for the night.”

“Does he often do that?” Probably, it sounded like him.

“Sometimes… he was really out of it when I left… “ Now he sounded guilty. “Maybe I should have st-“

“Ni, he’s an adult, he can handle himself. I doubt you would have been able to talk him into leaving with you.” And Liam hadn’t even been there to witness any of it, but that he was sure of. “Did he not have work tonight anyways?”

“He did, but his shift ended early, that’s why we went out in the first place… and his fuck buddy bailed on him too.” Tragic. “I don’t really wanna think about him anymore…” 

“We should get some sleep.” Liam decided quickly, because it was really late and he really just wanted Niall to forget about this for a little bit, sleep off whatever he had put into his system.

“Okay… “ The younger boy agreed quietly, then, he quickly said something else under his breath. “Thank you again… I’m sorry for, uh, that breakdown.”

“You don’t have to be sorry, Nialler.” Liam promised, and this time, he did reach over, petting Niall’s shoulder or maybe his back, whatever he could reach. “Sleep tight.”

“You too… “ Pretty sure Liam wouldn’t, but he was not very concerned about himself right now anyways.

\----------------------

Niall felt like he was drifting in and out of sleep a lot, or maybe he was just having the most bizarre dreams, it was kind of hard to tell. He definitely woke up once or twice having to use the bathroom, one time he did think he had to throw up, but luckily that passed.

He hadn’t even really gotten drunk, and he had only smoked a cigarette or two, and then he had made the mistake of popping this stupid pill Louis had brought, which had caused things to go downhill. Not that Niall had been extremely affected by it, but by the time he had thought it was a good idea to call Liam, he had already started to come off of it a bit.

God, Niall was so fucking stupid.

He felt so embarrassed about what he had done, crying into Liam’s shoulder, begging him not to leave him alone ever again… who was Niall to ask that of him?

And now he was literally in Liam’s BED, like a little child. He probably was that in Liam’s eyes anyways, and somehow, as strangely as that sounded… it was a bit comforting. Because who would have kicked out someone they saw as a kid, right?

Then again, Niall now felt stupid for ever having thought Liam would ever kick him out in general. It was just the doubt that Will had planted in his mind that had taken over two weeks ago. Plus the fear of losing Louis, of literally having nowhere left to go… 

Losing Louis was still a possibility, it always seemed to be, but Niall was also kinda certain that if it came down to it… he’d somehow convince Louis to forgive him for whatever. And maybe he could really talk him into talking to Liam too?

Wishful thinking of course, but maybe…

For a little bit during the night, Niall was lying awake after he had gone to the bathroom, just listening to Liam’s breathing, the man’s digital clock on the bedside table telling him that it was 3:40 in the morning. Niall had never put his phone on charge, so it was lying dead in the living room, but it was truly whatever right now.

He felt safe here, a lot more safe than anywhere else, he knew no one would randomly come bursting in and wake him, that he wouldn’t get up in the morning to someone banging on the door or someone having passed out on the floor and having puked in the kitchen sink. Or one of Louis’ hook ups greeting him as if they lived here as well.

No, here it was just Niall and Liam, and the rest of the world didn’t seem to matter that much anymore.

No idea what had gotten into Niall, it was probably the tiredness, because he was very close to falling back asleep in that moment as he moved over closer to Liam. The man had moved and he was now sleeping with back turned towards Niall, so the younger boy somehow thought in the back of his sleepy mind that surely he could blame it on him moving in his sleep too as he cuddled up against the man’s back. 

The blankets were in between them anyways, and honestly, Niall did not feel bad for it at all because it definitely helped him to fall asleep again moments later. Maybe their closeness caused all those bizarre dreams Niall was experiencing that night though, but he could barely remember them in the morning anyways.

\--------------------

_Niall couldn’t sleep because he was coughing so much, and it was no fun for anyone._

_All the other kids complained because they wanted to sleep too and eventually, Liam took him to another room to lie down. It was colder there, because the windows were all smashed and it was snowing outside._

_“I don’t feel good.” Niall complained to the older boy. He had both blankets to himself, and Liam had made him sit on the pillow, which left the older boy having nothing at all except his clothes that he had already put on on top of each other._

_“I know, Ni… “ He sighed, putting his arm around Niall. They were both leaning against the brick wall, because sitting helped Niall to cough a lot less. “It’ll be better in the morning.”_

_“And what if it’s not?” Niall complained a bit, snuggling his face into Liam’s shoulder. He felt cold, but not as cold as he had being outside walking around today._

_“Then the day after tomorrow.” Liam told him, which made Niall pout. Stupid cough. “Do you wanna play something? I brought your car too.”_

_“No… “ Niall whispered, because he felt too weak to play, he wanted to sleep, but he couldn’t. “I don’t wanna be sick anymore…”_

_“You won’t be for long.” It sounded like Liam was lying, but Niall didn’t say anything. He had learned that sometimes, Liam told him things that couldn’t be true at all, but they still made Niall feel better. “Maybe tomorrow we could try and find a different jacket for you… and maybe we could get another blanket.”_

_“But where?” They should have done that already, maybe then Niall would not have this stupid cough._

_“I don’t know yet… “ The older boy admitted, then he suddenly pressed a kiss against the top of Niall’s head. “You’ll be okay, Nialler. It’ll just be us tomorrow and we don’t have to do much if we’re too tired.”_

_“But then we will get in trouble.” No, Liam would get in trouble, not Niall._

_“No, we won’t.” Liam told him, which sounded like another lie. “Try and sleep, okay?”_

_So Niall did, and it wasn’t working very well, but a lot better with him sitting up rather than lying down._

_\----------------------_

_“N-No it w-was m-my f-fault! D-Don’t h-hurt h-him!” Niall was crying having to watch Liam getting punished for what he had done. Well, not really, but he had been feeling so bad all day, they had brought ZERO things back. And Niall could already count pretty well by now, but that did not matter right now. “N-Nooo! Pleeease!”_

_“Shut your fucking mouth or you’re next! Go sit over there and be quiet!” The man yelled at Niall, which only made him cry even harder._

_Niall pressed his fists against his eyes as he sat down, rocking himself back and forth and trying to block out the noises of Liam getting hit and the sounds of pain he was making. It only made Niall cry harder, but he also tried to be more quiet._

_At some point, everything stopped very abruptly, but Niall still needed another moment before he dared to look. They were alone now, Liam was sitting leaning against the opposite wall, and he was bleeding and looking very bad._

_Niall ran over to him immediately, half falling into his lap as he hugged him while crying, and Liam groaned in pain, but he did hug him back._

_“I’m s-sorry… “ Niall sobbed against the older boy’s shoulder._

_“It’s okay… “ Liam whispered, stroking his head a bit as Niall sat on his lap with his legs on either side of him, never wanting to let go of him again. He felt so bad, he knew this was all his fault._

_“N-Next t-time… I-I s-should get h-hit… “ The younger boy cried, and he really meant it in that moment, even though he was very terrified of it. His mom had hit him too, but never like how this man had hit Liam._

_“No, you shouldn’t. I’m okay.” Liam insisted, but he was breathing more heavily than usually and his arms around Niall weren’t that tight. “I’m sorry, I think we won’t get any food tonight…”_

_“I’m not hungry anyways… “ Niall had grown quite good at not complaining about being hungry, because it was just… always._

_They stayed where they were for a really long time, and Niall did not like looking at Liam afterwards, because the blood had dried and they had nothing to wipe it off with. Also, when he was walking he was moving very slowly and Niall made sure to keep holding onto his hand, tightly._

_The other kids didn’t really look at them, it was normal that someone was getting punished either ways. Louis did sneak them both something to eat a while later, but not a lot and he was also keeping his distance to them or he would have gotten punished too._

_Niall still had a cough that night, but though it had gotten better, they did sleep in the other room again. Or tried to, at least._

_“Nialler?” Liam asked while they were both lying down, sharing the blankets tonight and cuddling for some more warmth. “Can I ask you something?”_

_“Yes?” Niall asked back, very confused and a little bit nervous. He was also very sleepy._

_“I was thinking… if I wanted to leave… would you wanna come with me?” Now Niall was NOT sleepy at all anymore._

_“Why leave?!” Niall asked, panicked, and Liam shushed him immediately. “I wanna come with you, don’t leave me alone, please, Li, I-“_

_“Shh, it’s okay. I wouldn’t leave without you, okay? I pinky promise. I just wanted to ask if you’d rather stay here or… “ No idea what the other option was, Niall didn’t care._

_“But if we leave… we’re gonna be all alone.” He whispered, terrified but at the same time… he’d have Liam, who else did he need?_

_“Yeah, but there won’t be any punishments, and we could keep all the food we get, and we could do what we wanted.” That sounded nice to Niall. Except…_

_“… what about Louis?” He liked it here, or sometimes he did, Niall wasn’t so sure sometimes because Louis had told him both._

_“We can ask him, but… I don’t think he’d wanna come… “ Liam whispered, suddenly holding Niall tighter. “But don’t tell him, okay? We won’t leave if it’s that cold and maybe we won’t at all, I was just… thinking about it.”_

_“Okay… “ Niall promised, because he’d always do what Liam told him. “… and you really will not leave without me?”_

_“Nialler, I would never do that. Ever. Okay? I swear. You’re the most important thing to me in this whole world and I promise I will always take care of you.” The older boy told him, and it was very comforting for Niall to hear. “I love you.”_

_“Love you too, Li… “ He would never have to be worried about Liam not being there anymore, and maybe his mom had left him alone, but Liam would never._

\--------------------------

When Liam woke up in the morning, he felt a bit confused, and also overly hot. His memory came back quickly though and he realized he had not put the heater on high by accident.

No, Niall must have moved very close in his sleep, he was almost pressed up against Liam’s back and for a moment, Liam tried not to move as he reached for his phone. There was just a message from Harry asking where he had gone last night, so Liam decided to ignore it for now.

He stayed in bed for a bit longer before very slowly starting to get up, trying not to move the mattress too much. Niall was still completely passed out and Liam put the blanket over him properly once he was standing, forcing himself not to stare for too long.

No idea if Niall still meant all the things he had said last night, but Liam felt as if his words had been more genuine then than anytime before. Still, he did not look 100% healthy, not even like this while sleeping and Liam had no idea what to expect of this day.

He did end up making breakfast, but he took his time because he had no idea when or if Niall would wake up. It was ten in the morning, but it was also a Saturday, so it was whatever and Liam did not plan on waking the boy if he didn’t wake up by himself.

Sadly, that did not work out so well because Liam accidentally ended up dropping a bowl. Luckily an empty one and it also didn’t break, but it was enough to wake Niall. Great.

“Morning… “ The boy came to join him in the kitchen a few minutes after that incident, looking well tired and as if he’d fall right back asleep as he came to sit on one of the barstools. There were dark circles under his eyes and they were still a bit bloodshot, but barely noticeably now. His skin was pale and his lips chapped, clothes way too big on him.

“Morning. Sorry that I woke you.” Liam apologized quickly, genuinely feeling bad.

“It’s okay… how late is it?” Niall asked while rubbing his eyes, then he looked around. “Oh, I never charged my phone last night.”

“It’s around ten. And I put it on charge when I got up before.” The older man told him, gesturing to the couch. 

“Oh… thank you.” Niall was moving very slowly as he walked over, spending a few moments on his phone while Liam finished making breakfast for them. He brought it over to the couch then because when he was alone, he sometimes ate there anyways and Niall was already there as well. “Thank you, you didn’t have t-“

“I know, but I make that for myself also.” A bit of a lie, but whatever. If it made Niall feel better.

Liam wanted to ask if Louis had texted Niall, but he refrained from it and luckily the younger boy told him a second later. “I think Louis never went home, he’s probably sleeping on someone’s couch… he knows the owner of the club too…. Maybe I should call him, I’m kinda worried.”

“What are you gonna tell him if he’s at home and you’re not there?” Liam asked, but it was too late because Niall was already trying to ring Louis anyways. With no success. “I’m sure he’s sleeping.”

“Yeah… “ That did not sound very convinced.

They had breakfast then, Liam wanted to say a hundred things, but then he held back, only last second deciding that he had agreed with himself to cut all the bullshit, so he had to stick to it. “So what’s the plan?”

“Umm… “ Niall started after swallowing, looking out of the window. “I don’t know.”

“You can stay here as long as you want.” Again, in case he had forgotten after telling him 1000 times. 

“All my things are at Louis’ place though… “ The younger boy had a sip of tea then, clearly in an inner conflict, and his voice was quiet as he mumbled the words into the mug. “I’d rather stay with you… “

“I’d rather you stay here as well.” No matter for what reason, if it was about Liam or just that his place was nicer, Liam would just feel so much better if Niall stayed with him. Especially after last night. “But you should tell Louis, and not just take off.”

“I know, I- sorry again for-“

“That’s not why I said it, Ni. But he will be worried too if you’re just gone.” Then again… “Provided he even comes home today.”

“I think he’s got work in the evening, so… maybe he won’t. I should probably still go over… “ Hopefully to get his things, and then never return to Louis’ place.

“I gotta go to the store anyways, I’ll drive you over and you can see if Louis’ is there and talk to him.” Liam suggested, but Niall seemed not very happy with that idea for some reason.

“… are you gonna wait downstairs for me?” He asked after a moment, and Liam thought for a second he was asking because he didn’t want Liam to do that, but then he very quickly realized it was because he was scared Liam would just drive off. So that meant he definitely wanted to stay here then, right?

“’course. You can get your things and we can go to the store after.” Liam made sure to put emphasis on the _we_ , it seemed to help Niall relax. He really did not wanna go back to Louis’ place, did he?

“Okay.” Niall agreed immediately, seemingly having a lot more appetite then while Liam’s had suddenly vanished.

It was becoming more and more obvious now that Niall was not really this good at managing life on his own, and Liam had also never really thought that, but he was kinda surprised just by how fragile the boy was. A lot more than he had come off at first a couple weeks ago.

Now, there was nothing left of the self-assured boy that had come into Liam’s office, it was really just Niall needing somebody, anybody, he could lean on. And as much as Louis seemed to try to be that for him, he couldn’t do it because he had his own issues going on at the same time.

So now Liam felt an urge to help both of them, and he still had no idea how.

\-------------------

“I don’t think he’s even there.” Niall was more trying to talk himself into going upstairs than telling Liam. He really did not wanna do this, how would he explain this to Louis? “I’ll only be a few minutes.”

“Okay.” Liam said again, for the 10th time, but Niall was still just sitting there as well.

“Okay.” Niall agreed for no reason, but then he needed another moment to actually get out of the car. To his very surprise, Liam did the same.

“I’m not coming, I just need some air.” The man reassured him, and Niall relaxed. Then again… he felt a bit anxious about Liam staying down here, and he had no idea why. Maybe past trauma, maybe still some effects from last night, maybe it was just Niall suddenly feeling very attached to Liam following last night.

He knew it was stupid, but it was what it was.

“Alright.” Niall nodded, more to himself, slowly walking around the car. So slowly, that he actually stopped next to Liam for a second. 

“You okay?” Liam asked, looking quite worried, and again, Niall nodded. Then he decided that it really did not matter if he embarrassed himself any further, because it was too late to redeem himself from that breakdown last night anyways.

He simply went to hug Liam without looking at his face first, somehow needing the reassurance, and for a while, he didn’t even care that Louis could have come home in that exact moment. Liam hugged back immediately, way more tightly than expected.

They didn’t talk, which was a relief, and Niall lingered in the embrace for way too long, until it had gotten weird, but he still only pulled away when he felt ready. 

“I’ll wait down here.” Liam told him again, and Niall nodded, smiling a bit when the older man ruffled his hair. God, Niall was really behaving like a child, but he couldn’t help it.

He felt slightly better hurrying up the stairs, but his fingers were shaking before he unlocked the door. Turned out, all his fear had been for nothing, because he could right away tell that Louis had never come home that night.

Of course Niall was worried, he also checked his phone again, but nothing. At the same time, he was relived that he would not have to tell Louis in person, he simply got all his things together, then he wrote a note for Louis to call him and, after some hesitation, told him he was staying with Liam.

Lying would have only made it worse. He also left the spare key since the door would be locked anyways once he had pulled it closed behind himself.

Niall had no idea what to expect, if Louis would ever call him again, if he’d hate him forever, but one thing was for sure, Niall could not stay here, and he had nowhere else to go. And even if he had had somewhere to go… he wanted to stay with Liam, because with him, Niall felt safe and hopeful, as if he could actually get his life under control.

Plus, after last night, he definitely felt like he could trust Liam. Sure, he was still a bit wary, but he felt the same with Louis. No idea if Niall would ever be able to fully trust anyone ever again, but he was really trying his best.

\--------------------

“What’s that?” Niall was confused helping Liam unpack the groceries way later, the store having been packed with people.

“For you. Did you not see me buy it?” Liam laughed, and Niall had no idea what to say. “… you do know what it is, right?”

“Umm… “ The boy made, because he kinda had a feeling, but like… why would Liam get him that? “An Advent calender?”

“Yeah.” The older man agreed, suddenly looking a bit worried. “If you don’t want it-“

“No, no, I- thank you. I just… I never had one and- I thought it’s for kids.” At the same time, Niall felt strangely excited. God, he was really pathetic.

“Maybe, but I always get myself one too.” Liam explained, then he gestured over to the counter and yeah, there really was one, the same one he had gotten for Niall. “See, you’re lucky, you get to eat 5 chocolates at once.”

“Yeah… thank you again.” Niall truly meant it, he almost went to hug Liam again, but then he decided not to and just flashed him a smile instead before helping him unpack, saving the chocolates for later.

Niall despised Christmas, and thinking about how this would work if he was staying here with Liam still by that time… it was making him really anxious and nervous. He had never celebrated Christmas, not really, and maybe he would have liked it, but… how would he have known?

He definitely would not tell Liam about it though.

They spent the day inside because it was cold, Niall had some homework to do and Liam offered his help, so Niall didn’t say no. It made him feel dumb, but at the same time he was hopeful that maybe just for once he’d turn in an essay with less than 20 mistakes.

Louis never texted Niall. In fact, no one did, and by the time he had helped Liam clean up the dishes after dinner, Niall had almost forgotten about it all. They had been having normal conversations all day, and it had just been really nice, normal almost.

Of course, normality was too much to ask for Niall.

It was ten at night already by the time Niall’s phone suddenly went off, and him and Liam both looked at the screen at the exact same time. Louis.

Niall got up slowly, grabbing his phone to go over to the kitchen at least, despite the fact that it was the same room.

His heart was bumping really fucking fast as he answered with shaky fingers. He had not prepared what he was going to say, in any way at all.

“Hi.” Niall knew that his voice sounded scared, and very thin, but he couldn’t help it. “I-“

“Niall? I’m not Louis.” Someone interrupted immediately, and Niall almost got even more scared on an instant, but then he realized the voice had not sounded very confident either. “It’s me, Harry, you know, Louis’-“

“I do- Why do you have Louis’ phone?” There was already a strange feeling growing in the depth of Niall’s stomach and that only got intensified following that small pause.

“Umm… it’s a long story, but, um, something happened, and I really don’t wanna alarm you or anything, just- it felt appropriate to call you and… and also- I thought I’d call you before the police does.”

If Niall had passed out right about now, would he have still have to deal with this once he woke up again? Or was it all just a really bad dream at this point?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a bit of an earlier update because i will be up for ages trying to get something done for uni D: hope you liked the chapter!!  
> i couldnt wait anymore for the fluff so the fluff just arrived a bit earlier in this fic haha, also the christmas chapter is in two weeks and i felt like i needed to start working towards that also!
> 
> let me know your thoughts if you want, have a great week & thank you for the support <3


	8. Chapter 8

“What do you mean?“ Liam was only half listening at first, trying to give Niall privacy even though there was no way he could have it in here, with them being in the same room. “But why-… okay, but-… and where are you? Where is he?!”

This did not sound good at all, Liam had turned off the TV, not so he could listen better, but because he had a feeling that they would definitely not continue watching whatever was on once Niall had hung up the phone. He was a bit terrified for Niall to hear what Louis had had to say, but then again, it didn’t even sound as if they were fighting.

More as if something really bad had happened, whatever that was.

When Niall did hang up the phone, sooner than expected, and turned back around, Liam could see it in his pale face that he was about to lose it.

“What happened?” Liam asked immediately, getting up from the couch because the younger boy seemed frozen in his spot. They could not have one normal night, could they? Or a normal 24 hours? It seemed like too much to ask at this point somehow.

“Louis, he- that wasn’t him.” Niall told him after some hesitation, swallowing hard, then Liam suddenly saw tears in his eyes just like last night as he approached him.

“Who was it?” Will?

“Umm… the guy he always hooks up with, the la- just, his hook up. Louis got in a really bad fight.” The boy explained, then he had to stop because he had to let out a huge sigh, a shaky breath, before rubbing his free hand over his face. “With Will. Because of me.”

“Is he okay?” Well, CLEARLY not.

“I don’t know.” Niall shrugged a little bit as he pocketed his phone. There seemed to be more, he looked rather shaky, and as if he would burst into tears literally any moment now. “The police got involved too… it was during Louis’ shift. I think… I think Will told them about the drugs and- fuck, I think they’re gonna ask me about it too.”

“Why would they? You’re not like… you’re not selling them like him, right? You-“

“No, but I live with him right now and- who knows what else Will told them, he did it to make us both look bad and get us in trouble because he’s angry that I told Louis that he- you know. And also because… because I just left and stuff… “ A tear escaped Niall that he hastily wiped away. “Louis is in hospital.”

“Should we go there?” Liam asked without a second thought. “Maybe I should call my cousin, he’s a lawyer, he might be able to help or tell us what to do or-”

“He can’t do anything, Louis really did do all these things that Will probably told the police. Besides, the guy he’s sleeping with is a lawyer also, and he apparently already knows everything, so…” More tears, but somehow Niall’s voice remained firm. “I don’t think Louis ever came home or saw my message, we can’t show up there together… “

“I’ll wait outside. Or in the car.” Liam offered immediately, because he could tell Niall felt bad for his friend and that he wanted to go there, and Liam really got it. He wasn’t sure if it was a good idea either, legally wise but also in general, but then again… Louis was Niall’s best friend, Liam knew he already felt guilty about it all and if the police really did get involved, they’d find a way to get to Niall either way.

Maybe Liam should have texted Harry after all, just to be safe.

“I- I don’t know… “ The boy mumbled, playing with his fingers, the situation clearly taking a toll on him. Understandably so. “I want you to come. But Louis-“

“I’ll do whatever you tell me to.” Liam reassured him, slowly stepping closer and when Niall didn’t move back, he placed a hand on the boy’s shoulder. “We can figure it out on the way?”

“Okay… thank you.” Niall told him quickly, his eyes very scared when he finally looked up and Liam briefly touched his cheek, more out of instinct than anything.

He did notice Niall stayed very close to him as they got on their things and when they walked downstairs to the car. Again, this whole situation seemed to have escalated so much more already than seemed appropriate. Other people didn’t experience as many strange situations in their lifetimes as Niall seemed to experience in a week.

It really got Liam even more worried than he had already been.

“Why’d his hook up have his phone?” Seriously, that part seemed a bit iffy to Liam as soon as they were in the car. He was just trying to keep Niall talking, because he knew the boy needed the distraction so he wouldn’t get caught up in his head.

“He’s with him, I think, at the hospital… I don’t know if Louis told him to call me, but I don’t think Louis’ is able to speak right now… “ That did not sound good. “But as far as he told me, he will be fine.”

“That’s something.” Liam tried to encourage him. “Ni, it’ll be fine.”

“I don’t wanna go to jail.” Niall blurted out, and if he hadn’t sounded so serious, Liam would have laughed. 

“You won’t. Why would you-“

“I don’t know what Will told them about me or- I did do some things in the past but that was really long ago and- and also, Will isn’t innocent either. I just… I’m scared, I don’t know what’s going to happen.” He seemed very restless in the passenger seat, and Liam would have reached over, but he was more focused on driving and he also wouldn’t have known if it would have helped either way. 

“Maybe they just wanna ask you things about Louis and Will.” Hopefully, because Liam was a bit careful to promise things right now. He couldn’t know what would happen either, he just knew he was determined to make sure Niall would walk away unharmed somehow.

Even though Liam wasn’t even sure if he fully grasped the entirety of the problems Niall and Louis had and whatever trouble they had gotten themselves in in the past. Louis also in the present, it seemed.

“I just… I can’t believe this happened. And tonight… I hope Louis doesn’t get fired, it was literally during his shift, while he was working.” Niall sounded very scared saying the last part and Liam got it. He could imagine it would have probably sent Louis spiraling if he did lose his job, and he’d possibly have trouble finding something else considering what had happened.

On the other hand, Liam wasn’t sure what to think because he did not even know Louis the way he was today, or what he had been through ever since all those years ago. Niall had never really talked about that, only about himself. And even then he had clearly held back a lot of things.

They still had not decided what to do once they arrived and Liam had parked the car in the most expensive garage he had ever had to enter. Not that any of that mattered in this situation.

“What now?” Liam asked as he had turned off the engine, and they both sat there in silence.

Niall didn’t answer immediately, he took out his phone first, checked it, but apparently he had not received any further messages. No idea what he had been hoping for though. Or maybe he was terrified of who would contact him.

“I want you to come.” The boy told Liam finally, his voice not sounding as firm as he probably would have liked.

“Okay.” Liam agreed, although he felt his heart skipping a bit. He would not have told Niall, but he was nervous about this whole thing as well, and also about how Louis would react. Provided he was even awake or in a state to talk to anyone at all.

“If- if he gets upset, then… we’ll just leave. Okay?” Niall’s voice was shaky again, and he looked at Liam with pleading eyes. “I don’t want you guys to fight, I just- I don’t wanna go alone. And I… I’m a bit scared. But I’m also hoping that maybe… maybe it will be good if you do come and he sees you and… and I don’t even know.”

“You don’t have to explain it, Nialler, if you want me to come, I’ll come.” Liam promised, and he really did mean it.

The boy simply nodded then, seemingly relieved, before getting out of the car so Liam did the same. Somehow he had a feeling this would be a disaster and he didn’t even know why. 

Liam kept his hand hovering somewhere near the small of Niall’s back as they walked through the garage and towards where the staircase was. By this point it was almost 11 at night and the hospital still seemed to be very busy, which, on one hand, made things a bit better, on the other, it probably meant they’d need to wait ages to find out anything at all about how Louis was doing. IF they’d even find out anything.

A part of Liam was hoping Louis wouldn’t wake up or be able to really speak to anyone tonight, not because he wished anything bad on him, simply because the longer he thought about it, the more he was not ready to deal with this situation. Liam could just wait in the hallway, maybe?

“Do you know where we’re going?” Liam asked after a moment because Niall was staring at his phone now, his face even more pale in the lit up hospital hallways. 

“Yeah, just the waiting area on the first floor… Harry doesn’t know what’s going on yet either.” There was a really awkward second when Niall said that name where Liam didn’t react at all, because a ton of people were named Harry, he himself knew 2 people with that name as well and he had had a couple students come in with the same name.

It was only a moment later really, that Liam started to think about in more depth, started to think that it was a weird coincidence and all, but he did not come THAT far, because before he could put two and two together, they had already reached said waiting area.

And then there really was no need for Liam to try and figure anything out at all anymore. Oh.

“Hi, do you already know anything?” Niall asked Harry straight out, who also needed a moment for his eyes to land on Liam. No way. There was just NO WAY. This had to be a joke, maybe Liam was hallucinating, maybe- _Harry was sleeping with LOUIS?!_ “Oh, this is L-“

“Liam. I know.” Harry interrupted, seemingly having recovered much faster from his shock than Liam. What in the world… how? HOW had this happened?!

“Wait, you know each other?” Niall had already looked panicked before, now it seemed to have gotten a hundred times worse. Liam felt the same.

“Yeah. He’s my cousin.” Liam told him straight out, because he had talked about Harry to Niall, just before coming here even. The thing was… Liam had not considered that he would ever have to explain any of this to Harry, it had never even crossed his mind so far. 

Turned out, Harry was actually already involved in this whole drama.

“I… I don’t know what to say.” Niall admitted, and Liam could only agree to that, so he nodded slowly.

The silence was short lived.

“I do.” Harry spoke up, and Liam knew what he was going to say before he did it. “How the hell do YOU two know each other? And why are you together in the middle of the night?”

“It’s… a long story.” Liam settled for that, but he should have known Harry would immediately jump to his own conclusions.

“You could have just told me you were seeing someone. Is that why you suddenly left last night and-“

“We’re not- it’s not like that.” Liam quickly interrupted, but his face had already gotten red and he didn’t even know what for. God damn it. “It’s- we’ve known each other, since way back, since… since we were kids.”

“Oh.” Was all Harry made, looking from one of them to the other and Liam kinda wanted to die a little bit. Or a lot. “So, like… back when you-“

“Yes.” Liam cut him off, he was not in the mood to discuss this. “How is Louis?”

“I have no idea, they didn’t tell me anything and- wait, you also know Louis?” Right. Fuck.

“I really don’t think this is the place to discuss this.” Then again…

“Then when is the right place? Because we’re just gonna be sitting here for hours if you guys are gonna stay as well.” Right.

Harry was clearly frustrated, maybe upset, and Liam had to remind himself that they were all here for a reason. And everyone except himself seemed to actually like Louis, so it was probably hitting them a lot harder than Liam that they had no idea what was up with him.

“This is so weird… “ Niall mumbled, and it sounded as if he was talking to himself, but then he turned to Liam. “Maybe… maybe Louis shouldn’t know.”

“What shouldn’t he know?” Harry was the one who asked, because Liam had no need to ask. He sort of agreed with Niall on this one. 

“That you’re my cousin. Or… that we know each other at all.” He explained slowly, although it only made him realize too late that he would have to support this with arguments. “Me and Louis, we… we’re not really, uh… on speaking terms. Like… things have happened, in the past, and… we never talked about any of it and… actually, I’ve not seen Niall or Louis all those years until last month.”

“… wait, Niall was the one who came to your office?” Now Harry sounded stunned, and Liam was surprised he could even still remember that because now it felt like ages ago that he had told his cousin about it. And they had also never really talked about it again, it was Zayn who had been with Liam that night when they had seen Louis and Niall, although Liam doubted that his friend would have remembered either of them.

“Yeah.” Liam confirmed, then he felt a need to explain himself to Niall. “I only told him that.”

“You can tell him whatever you want, I mean… it seems he knows a lot already. I don’t know what Louis’ has been telling him either.” Right, that was also a mystery to Liam… what DID those two talk about in general? Did they even talk? Or was it just about the sex, as Harry had made it out to be all this time? But then why would Harry have even been here in the first place and actually cared enough to even call Niall to come?

“I’m standing right here, you know?” Now Harry seemed to have only gotten more upset. Great. “Are you gonna explain this or not?”

“I don’t know how.” Liam admitted, because he meant it. How to explain this when he wasn’t even sure if Niall knew the whole story either? “… can I just say now I understand why you got yourself tested for STD’s so many times?”

“Seriously? Liam, this is not funny.” A little bit, honestly, but it was really just Liam thinking he was going to lose his mind if he didn’t try to somehow relive the tension.

“Maybe not a bad idea…” Niall released under his breath, and then his cheeks turned dark red.

“What?” Harry asked, at the same time as Liam asked “Why?”, maybe a bit too curious.

“It was a joke. Sorry.” Then Niall let out a really nervous, not-amused, laugh as he went to sit on one of the chairs, rubbing his hands over his face, his frustration clearly growing. “… do you know where Will is?”

“No idea. He stayed there, I went in the ambulance with Louis.” This alone was boggling Liam’s mind, but he decided to stay quiet. Clearly Harry’s relationship to Louis was not the most important thing to discuss right now. Honestly, maybe he didn’t even really wanna know anyways. “The police also stayed to talk to him, he kept yelling to them about Louis being a criminal, your name came up once, but very briefly, nothing specific. I don’t know what happened after I left though.”

“Do you really think they will wanna question me too?” Niall’s panic seemed to be coming back, so Liam went to sit next to him, trying to ignored Harry’s presence as the man sat opposite them. His eyes were clearly following Liam’s arm as he put his hand on Niall’s back, but who even cared anymore?

“I’ve no idea, I just wanted to warn you in case they do, since you’re staying with Louis and it had something to do with you… From what Louis told me, this Will guy seems to know a bit too much about you two.” Everything, according to Niall. “Honestly though, if they look on the surveillance cameras, which they will if he wants to take this to court, then he’s got a problem. Louis was on his shift, so he hadn’t been drinking, but Will was clearly drunk and he was the one who started it all. He went completely crazy, I really thought he’d try to kill Louis any second.”

“… Louis will never get over the fact that he didn’t put Will in hospital but the other way around.” Was all Niall seemed to think about, and if Louis was who Liam thought he was then, yeah, he would go wild over that.

“Louis only briefly told me about Will before today, but … is he your boyfriend?” Harry asked straight out and Liam momentarily stopped his hand rubbing Niall’s back, but then he slowly continued, trying not to react, or at least not let it show.

“No.” Niall told him immediately, then he cleared his throat. “… he probably thought that for a while, but- I used to live with him, umm… it’s also a long story. I don’t really, uh… I don’t really wanna talk about it, but… things happened and I told Louis about them and- he got really mad. I was afraid he was gonna kill Will. Actually, when you called… I thought someone found his dead body in a ditch and figured out it was Louis.”

“Luckily he didn’t, but it seemed like Will had the same idea tonight.” Great, well, at least Louis hadn’t started this, right? Liam was hoping it was a relief to Niall.

Niall only nodded to that, and it seemed he wanted to ask more, but then he bit his lip. He probably did not wanna bring up any drug stories or other things to Harry that he possibly did not know about yet. Liam was very impressed by Niall’s loyalty to Louis even now in a situation like this, he was still trying not to mess up a possible relationship for his friend and prioritizing that over trying to find out if he’d soon be in trouble with the law.

“If, um… “ Niall started again after a moment. “If the police does wanna talk to me… what should I say?”

“Be cooperative, but don’t say any more than you have to. Like, don’t over-do it, and if there is anything going on that I don’t know about that could get you and Louis in trouble… don’t talk about it if there’s a chance that they don’t even know. But also don’t lie.” Okay, that was confusing advice, and Harry was probably just wanting to tell Niall to just not do anything stupid. “If it’s really just about Louis and not you, then say you don’t know. You weren’t there, so don’t try to guess what happened or make any assumptions, you have no idea and you were just with Liam, okay?”

“Okay.” Niall nodded, but he looked even more scared than before. “… would you be able to help Louis though? If this goes really bad?”

“I mean… depends.” Harry was clearly uncomfortable answering this question, but he also didn’t seem surprised that Niall knew that he was a lawyer. “I know there are things I have no idea about, I’ve known you and Louis for 2 weeks. Louis would have to tell me first… if he’d even want my help, that is.”

Right, this was only making things worse, if possible. Liam could now remember Niall telling him about this incident, how Harry and Louis must have met, only then he had not known it had been Harry. So now this was even more of a mystery to him and just trying to wrap his around what HARRY saw in Louis… it felt more like a bad dream, not reality.

How could Liam’s two worlds, one of which had not existed for many years, collide in the weirdest way ever?

“What happened?” Harry asked after what felt like hours while Liam had just been lost in thought, he had let his arm fall around the back of Niall’s chair instead, without really thinking about it. “When you were kids?”

“I told you… “ Liam mumbled, not wanting to be reminded of that now.

“You told me very roughly. You never mentioned Niall, or Louis, or how you all got away from there.” Had they? Liam still had no idea what had actually happened to Louis after it had all gone down. “Or why you would still have to be in a fight with Louis after… how many years?”

“Eighteen.” Liam told him, then he sighed. He could not talk about this now, and he could feel Niall getting tense also. “It seems that, um… me and Louis remember different versions of it. And Niall… “

“I was only six, I’m not really sure anymore about a lot of things that happened… “ Especially because Louis had been able to tell him his side of the story first, but Liam needed to stop being this damn bitter about it the whole time. “It’s really complicated… and I really don’t want to talk about it now, because… we, uh- me and Liam, I mean, we’ve not really… talked about it either.”

“Okay.” At least Harry stopped when Niall asked him to, Liam hadn’t been sure if he would. “… but can I say one more thing, then?”

“Um… sure.” Niall shrugged a bit, probably as confused as Liam when Harry suddenly let out a short laugh.

“Did you know that Liam is friends with the guy who makes your Photoshop tutorials?” Oh… right, Harry had talked about that, only then Liam hadn’t known he had talked about Niall. Crazy.

“Wha- really?” Niall turned to Liam, clearly stunned, and Liam wasn’t sure how to react, but then he simply nodded. “Zayn?”

“Yeah, we became friends at uni.” Liam explained slowly, then he tried to smile. “I’ll tell him his videos are helping you out, he’s gonna be happy.”

“They probably help a lot of people, he’s kinda popular.” Niall explained and Liam had to bite his lip when Harry rolled his eyes. “… what?”

“Harry and Zayn don’t really get on.” There was the short version of it all. Honestly, the last thing that could have made this situation worse was Zayn walking around the corner right now. That didn’t happen, luckily, but Liam wouldn’t have even known where to begin trying to explain all of this to him, ESPECIALLY once he’d get to the part where it would all come out that ZAYN had been the one with him that night when Louis had yelled at Liam across the street.

He’d have to tell him though, one day.

“Why? Zayn seems really-“

“Is a Harry here?” One of the nurses interrupted Niall, and she seemed unsure about it all, probably because it was in the middle of the bloody night and they were all just casually hanging out here.

“That’s me.” Harry told her immediately, a lot more eager than Liam would have thought. How had Harry managed to fall in love in two weeks? Because that was clearly what was happening here. “Is Louis okay?”

“He asked for you, so you can go and talk to him.” She told him, clearly holding back because they weren’t alone. 

“Thank you, I- can Niall come, too?” Harry asked last second, after he had already gotten up, pointing towards Niall with his thumb.

“Sorry, only one person at a time. It is also way past visitor hours, and he only asked for you.” It sounded rather harsh, but luckily Harry was sensitive enough to explain to Niall.

“He doesn’t know you’re here too, I didn’t tell him that I called you, they took him in really quick and he was- anyways, I’ll keep it short, okay?” He promised, and Niall only nodded before watching Harry disappear with the nurse down the hallway.

The silence overcoming them was almost eerie, because the hospital was so quiet on this floor and it was snowing outside and Liam felt really weird, worried, but also tired.

“I can’t believe he’s your cousin…” Niall mumbled after a while, leaning back into his seat. “… I also can’t believe they are being this serious with each other already.”

“Me neither… Louis is going to lose it when he finds out.” Absolutely, but Liam was pretty certain that Harry would keep quiet right now. Especially because Louis could not be in the right state to hear such news. 

“Yeah… I’m a bit worried. Louis does this sometimes, like, where he gets into relationships head over heels and then he just… loses interest, kind of. He’s very…ambivalent.” Niall almost sounded guilty or apologetic, Liam wasn’t sure what it was, but he got it.

“They’re adults, it has nothing to do with us, Ni.” And Niall certainly would not have to answer to Liam about what Louis did to Harry. “Harry is also quick to get into relationships… and get out of them again. Maybe this is a match made in heaven, I don’t know.”

“Do you really think that?” Niall joked, and Liam shook his head, almost wanting to laugh but the situation was really not allowing that. “I hope he’s alright. And I hope Will was just really super drunk and that they won’t take anything he says seriously and then he can take it all back and there will be no consequences.”

“Maybe they’re not even gonna listen to him, if he’s the one who started it… “ Then again, they could still decide to go after Louis either way, Liam didn’t wanna make Niall false hopes. Also, a part of him kinda wished Louis would have genuinely killed this man.

“Yeah… “ Niall mumbled, then he suddenly got up to walk over to the window, just a few steps. He put his hand on the glass and leaned closer to block out the lights, so he could actually see outside, maybe watch the snow while Liam was just watching him. “… thank you for coming“

“You don’t have to thank me for that.” Seriously, did he not know by now, that Liam would have done anything for him?

“I wanted to, I am thankful.” The younger boy shrugged, he was still looking outside as he continued a moment later. “… can I ask you something?”

“Anything.” Liam promised, although his heart was already beating faster at the thought of it though he had no idea what to expect.

Certainly not what he heard.

“… back then, you know… “ Niall started, still staring outside, probably because he was nervous. “Did you… did you really mean it, when you promised we’d always- that we’d never be apart? And that… that you wouldn’t leave me alone? Because I, um, for years I just… I kept thinking about that one moment, like, when we last saw each other and… when you promised and- I thought for a lot of years surely you’d come at some point and somehow find me… and we were kids and all, so I’m not saying it because I’m mad or- just because I really wanted to know if you really meant it, or- if I made it up in my head, if we weren’t even that close or… I don’t know. I guess I was scared that… that you somehow had it planned, that Louis was kinda right and that you didn’t care so much when I wasn’t there anymore, that maybe… maybe you were a bit glad. I guess I was really clingy as a child, so I-”

“Niall.” Liam started, slowly getting up, having to ban the image of little Niall waiting for Liam to come find him into the back of his head or he would have started bawling. He knew this had caused Niall trauma, had possibly scarred him for the rest of his life and was the root of his obvious trust issues. “I meant it, I meant all of it, especially in that moment. I don’t know what Louis told you, but it’s wrong. It was out of my hands what happened, and I had to do it, I didn’t have a choice. If I hadn’t… I’m not sure we’d be talking to each other right now in one way or another.”

“But… was it really that bad?” Niall asked quietly, and then he finally did turn around. “Louis said-“

“I was only a child, but as far as an 11-year-old can give medical advice… it was really that bad. Maybe it wasn’t in actuality, but in my head it was. I would have never done it otherwise, Niall. I did it for you only, and I was determined to have this work out, for you and I to always stay together, some family adopting both of us… I missed you so much it was driving me crazy, I’d stay awake at night for years trying to plan out what else I could do to somehow find you again. I would have never wanted this to happen, Ni. Ever. I don’t give a fuck what Louis says, he’s lying when he starts doubting that you meant the world to me.”

Maybe he still did, Liam didn’t wanna say that though, it seemed like a bit too much. And he was already about to start crying.

Niall waited for a moment before he came to hug Liam, and Liam hugged back immediately. If this was their thing now, then he would gladly accept that.

“Thank you, I- I just needed to hear you say it… “ Niall mumbled, and Liam held him tighter. “It’s kinda stupid-“

“It’s not. I really wish none of this would have happened, that I could have somehow done something differently… “ But what? Liam still wouldn’t have known what else to do. Sure, as an adult the situation would have been very different, but putting himself back into his mind as a child… “I still think it’s a bit of a miracle though that we ran into each other again the way we did… and I know that you still think about it all the time, because I do as well, I assume so does Louis. It was really traumatizing, the situation in general, and what happened with us especially… we only had each other, I felt really lost when you weren’t with me anymore… “

“Me too… “ The younger boy whispered, and Liam could imagine that he had felt a lot more lost than him. For Niall, Liam had been something like a parent, after his own mother had let him down, only to do it again right after Liam had, in his eyes, forgotten about him as well. No one should have to go through that, especially not a young child. “I… I still feel kinda lost… “

“I know.” It wasn’t hard to guess, and the way Niall talked and behaved, how he lived his life and considering his breakdown last night… Liam had gotten that much. “But Niall, you won’t have to ever go back to how it was. Ever. You’re going to graduate, and you ‘ll get the job you want, and it’s going to work out, okay? You already put in all the work. We can’t change the past, as much as I wish I could, but I can help you with whatever is coming now. I promise we can do this.”

Niall was really quiet after that, and it took a moment for Liam to realize it was because he was crying now. 

Naturally, Liam made sure to just hold onto him, not force him to speak or anything, just try to comfort him this way. After all, he wasn’t sure if it was maybe happy tears, or tears of relief at least. Liam was just hoping that Niall believed him, that he didn’t still think Liam was one to break promises.

Liam would have never broken a promise if life hadn’t gotten in the way.

No idea how long they stayed this way, but long enough for Harry to return. Liam wasn’t embarrassed about this in the slightest, but he knew Niall was so he let go of the boy when Niall let his arms fall, trying to wipe at his face.

“Umm, sorry- I told him you’re here, Niall, so… he wants to talk to you.” Harry cleared his throat a bit loudly.

“Okay… thanks.” Niall’s voice was very shaky, and thin, he threw a quick look at Liam, then somehow, and Liam wasn’t really sure who of them reached out, but their hands got intertwined for just a second.

“I’ll wait here for you.” Liam promised, just so Niall knew he wasn’t going anywhere. 

Harry then briefly told Niall where to go, and almost as soon as the younger boy was gone, Harry sat back down, not disappointing Liam but doing exactly what he had already been expecting.

“So… what the fuck?”

\-----------------------

In that moment, Niall did not want to enter the room at all. He actually just wanted to go back to Liam, ask him to drive back home and lie in his bed.

That was pathetic though, and wrong, and Niall forced himself to briefly knock regardless. There was no answer, so he simply walked in.

Louis did not look good, but also not as bad as Niall had feared. Luckily, whatever wounds he had gotten, they were covered up. His hand seemed to be the worst, but Niall was sure he would hear all about that in a second.

“Hi… Harry called me.” Niall didn’t know where else to start. He was just praying that Harry had not mentioned Liam with any word, but he hadn’t, by the looks of it. Then again, Louis was clearly not in a good state in general. “How are you?”

“I’ve been better… “ Louis’ voice was very rough and Niall nodded in sympathy, slowly going to sit on the chair Harry must have sat on before. “I tried to get them to let me leave, but they said it wouldn’t be a good idea… “

“Can you go tomorrow?” There was only a shrug as an answer. “… what happened?”

“Will got drunk and thought he’d come to the bar and try to start a fight. That fucking asshole. I swear, I should have really killed him when I said I would.” He was getting angry, and on one hand, Niall wanted to make him feel better, on the other, he felt a bit better knowing that Louis had picked a fight for him. Then again… he had lost it, and now Louis and Will were probably even more furious with each other and the entirety of the situation. All because of Niall. “They just had to pick glass out of my hand for an hour.”

“Did Will do that?” Niall asked, a bit shocked, but luckily his friend shook his head.

“No, a few glasses broke in the middle of it and I reached right into them. I bet he would have loved to have done it though.” Louis shook his head in anger and Niall swallowed. Looking at Louis like this made him feel weird, and at the same time he could not stop thinking about the fact that he and Louis had to talk about Liam at some point.

Like, there was no way around it.

“I’m sorry I dragged you into this.” Niall apologized after a moment, because he really was sorry about that.

“You didn’t. I got myself involved. Besides, Will deserved a lot worse than me just yelling at him after you told me. He got me by surprise today or he would be here now instead of me.” Honestly, Niall wasn’t sure about that, but… “If the police talks to you, say you don’t know anything at all. I’ve no idea what Will told them, but I got a lot of dirt on him too, he would have kept his mouth shut if he had been sober.”

“Harry said I shouldn’t lie though, he said-“

“Screw that, he’s a lawyer, he has to say that shit. Just talk yourself out of all of it somehow. Say you had no idea, about any of it.” Well, if they wanted Niall to do a drug test, he’d be fucked though. “… did you go home Friday night? I went straight to my shift today, it feels like I haven’t seen you in ages, I can’t even remember anything that happened.”

“Um, yeah, I left after a while… “ Niall shrugged a bit, crossing his arms in front of his chest. He needed to tell Louis, he didn’t even have a key to his apartment anymore. “You were really out of it.”

“I know. I mean… I kinda don’t, because I don’t remember.” He laughed, even though it was probably just his way of trying to overplay his pain and everything that had happened, not because he was genuinely amused. No one would have been in this situation, Niall surely wasn’t. “… so, Harry called you?”

“Yeah… he’s got your phone… or had it.” Niall noticed that Harry must have given it back before, because it was lying next to Louis on the bed. “I didn’t know you and him are that serious… “

“I mean… “ Louis then shrugged, and Niall had no idea how to interpret this, but he tried not to care too much. It wasn’t his problem, and even if Louis fucked Harry over, then yeah, Liam would have even more reasons to hate Louis, but… what was it to Niall? It wasn’t his fault, and he knew Liam would have never held it against HIM. “He’s kinda clingy.”

“Really?” Harry didn’t seem like it, and Niall kinda had a feeling his friend was just trying to talk himself out of it. “… but do you mind it?”

Again, Louis simply shrugged, and Niall interpreted it as him not wanting to talk about it. Not very much like him, so maybe it WAS serious? Louis quickly interrupted his thought process. “How’d you get here? Tell Harry to bring you home, it’s really late. He told me he’d wait outside for you.” 

“Umm… “ Niall started, clearing his throat as he looked down at the floor. Fuck, here Louis was caring about him, and Niall had yet again gone behind his back.

“What?” Louis asked, apparently misinterpreting his reaction. “Do you not like him? He-“

“No, no, it’s- it’s not that.” Niall had no idea if he liked Harry, but either way, he had no reason to dislike him. “I just- I gotta tell you something. I don’t know how.”

“Whenever you say that it’s usually bad. So what is it now?” The older man seemed annoyed, but also worried, and Niall felt even more guilty.

“Umm… “ Again, he struggled to say it, then he pressed his eyes shut, forced himself to say it in one go. “Friday night, I- I got a bit like, scared. Because of what we’ve been taking and I- I wanted to leave but… so I, um… I texted Liam. And I stayed at his place and I- he said I could, um… stay with him again. I wanted to talk to you today but you weren’t home and I got my things and- I left you a note and the key and… I’ve been trying to reach you all day. Liam’s the one who drove me here, he’s waiting in the waiting area, actually. Lou, I… I just… I want us all to talk, the three of us. Maybe-“

“No.” Louis interrupted, and when Niall looked up, terrified, his friend had closed his eyes, looking quite upset but also exhausted. Surely, if he had not just gotten injured, then he would have already been yelling at Niall, and it was unfair to make use of that, but like… Niall had not chosen this moment in time to tell Louis on purpose. “If it’s so much better with him then stay there. I want nothing to do with him.”

“It’s just- it makes me nervous when… when these people come to your place and- you know. And you work late at night and I can’t sleep that well and when Harry comes over- it isn’t about you, Lou.” Wasn’t it, though?

“Look, I get it. Liam’s got everything you want, I know that. He’s probably a great talker and an even better listener or whatever, likes to promise a lot of things, doesn’t he?” Well…

“… he means them though.” Niall settled for that, twisting his fingers together. He was determined to not let Louis talk him into leaving Liam’s again, Louis didn’t even know Liam, what did he know? “… he’s really nice to me. And he’d be willing to talk to you too. Maybe we can clear it all up, maybe it’s a big misunderstanding.”

“But I know what happened.” Louis was staying stubborn and Niall held back a sigh. At least Louis wasn’t yelling at him to get out. Yet. “You can do whatever you want, Niall. If you wanna trust him and live with him then… go ahead.”

“Why are you saying it like you’re mad though?” It got Niall feeling really anxious, he didn’t want Louis to be mad at him, or feel hurt by his actions. Niall really wanted to help Louis too, but the older man always pretended as if it was all good the way it was. 

“I mean, how would you feel if you were me right now?” Niall would have felt like trash.

Louis was in hospital, because of him, he had risked losing his job, had lost a friend for Niall, had taken Niall in even after Niall had gone behind his back, and now Niall was again siding with the person who in Louis’ mind was the enemy. But how come Niall had to always be between the fronts?!

“… how’d you feel if you were _me?_ ” Niall asked back after a moment, then they were both being quiet. 

It was a difficult situation, and Niall wasn’t sure if there was a solution to any of this. Either way, someone would draw the short end of the stick.

“I’m really sorry about what happened with Will.” He tried again, and indeed, Niall felt terrible about it.

“Will was my friend first, so… I introduced the two of you.” Louis shrugged a bit. “It’s not your fault he’s a prick.”

“Still, if I hadn’t left-“

“If you hadn’t left, he might have done god knows what to you.” That was true, Niall opened his mouth to say something, but Louis didn’t let him. “This isn’t about Will or what happened tonight.”

“I know… “ This was about Liam only, and Niall didn’t know what else to say without hurting Louis further. He kinda had to though… “Lou, I really missed him… when we were kids, he- he was like my big brother, almost like a parent and… I know he did what he did for me. He never wanted for things to turn out this way.”

“Are you sure?” Louis asked, a bit sarcastically and Niall wanted to roll his eyes, but he held back.

“He kept the car, you know. The toy car he gave me. He has it in his drawer at his office at uni. And from what he said and everything… I believe him when he says he tried everything to somehow find me again.” And not Louis, but Niall could not say that. It was what they were both thinking though. “I trust him. And… I don’t really know what happened between you and Liam in detail, but for me… for me I’m not holding any grudge against him. He didn’t break his promise on purpose.”

“Niall, I really don’t know what to say anymore, but if this is what you want…” Again, he was being very cold and distant, and Niall had already given up on trying to let his friend know how he felt when Louis suddenly let out a huge sigh. “Get him in here then.”

“Wha- do you want to talk to him about-“

“No, I wanna tell him that he better not screw this up again.” Oh.

“Lou-“

“Niall, seriously, go before I change my mind.” Well, Niall didn’t have to be told twice.

“The nurse said only one person at a time could-“

“Screw that, she’s left already. Just get him.”

Niall hurried out of the room with one more glance at Louis, his stomach dropping a bit because the moment the older man thought Niall wasn’t looking anymore, his face scrunched up in pain.

Niall was a terrible friend.

\------------------------

“Niall’s staying with me for now, and he and Louis disagree on their opinion of me and it’s a complicated situation.” Liam gave Harry the short version, he did not know how else to explain this.

“But… did I get this wrong or you have not seen Niall for 18 years, but he lives with you now?” Harry seemed rather confused still and Liam would have loved to remind him that they were sitting here because of a person Harry had known for two weeks only.

“Yes.” Was all Liam said, then he continued because his cousin already had his mouth open again anyways. “We… we were very close as kids. He was like my little brother, we did everything together for two years. Um… I tried to find him again, but… somehow he and Louis bumped into each other 5 years ago and they got to talk first… so, yeah.”

“And what was so terrible that you and Louis still hate each other? I mean… you were literally children, why’s any of that matter now?” Because Louis was the kinda person to hold a grudge until his very last day?

“I don’t know.” Well, Liam DID kinda know, but… what would he have said? “Louis and I, um… we’re just very different people, always have been. The kinda lifestyle he has… it’s not for me, and also not for Niall. And I don’t know how much you know, and Louis should probably tell you that himself, but… I want Niall out of there, and he wants it too. I do believe Louis would be living very differently if things had turned out differently, or if someone helped him, but he’s just… you know. He doesn’t accept help. And now Niall’s unsure of what to do because Louis has been there for him for 5 years, and he was also mad at me for the way we got separated, but … “

“But he actually would have always preferred for it to be you if you had been there. Got it.” Harry nodded, and Liam was just relieved he didn’t have to explain this any further. “… I know Louis views the law a bit too loosely.”

“You could say that… “ Liam cleared his throat, not wanting to make this worse now than it was. What did he know anyways? Suddenly he felt an urge to defend Louis. “Out of all of us… he’s had the most difficult childhood, I think. And I don’t actually know what happened after we last saw each other… it’s obvious it left scars and that he blames me for a lot of it.“

“Hmm… “ Was all Harry made, and to Liam’s surprise, he stayed very quiet then, not asking another time as to how they had all gotten separated.

Liam had questions of his own that he didn’t ask, and actually, he wasn’t sure if he ever would. It was none of his business why Harry and Louis seemed to like each other.

Niall came back more quickly than Liam would have thought, his facial expression was a bit weird, but what left his mouth was even weirder.

“Um… Louis asked if he could talk to you.” To Liam’s surprise, this was directed at HIM and not at Harry. “I told him that I’m- you know… and he’s not mad, just- I don’t know.”

“I’ll talk to him.” Liam decided, because he could tell this was stressing Niall out. It was stressing himself out as well, but he tried to overplay it.

Harry was clearly still trying to process everything he had just heard, and he stayed behind alone as Liam went with Niall.

“Does he know that I know Harry?” Liam asked the boy quietly, and Niall shook his head, then he shrugged. “… how’d it go?”

“Better than I thought… but I think it’s because he’s in pain or he would have yelled at me.” Niall had lowered his voice once they were standing in front of a door. “I’m a bit nervous about the nurse coming back and kicking us out any moment… “

“I don’t see her anywhere.” Liam tried to calm him, but it was obvious Niall was more nervous about other things. “It’ll be fine.”

“Yeah… I don’t know if it will be.” The younger boy admitted, then he took a very deep breath before unexpectedly opening the door, not really giving Liam any time to prepare.

They entered the room slowly, and Liam tried not to stare at Louis, but their eyes immediately met. He had not seen him up close and in good lightening in years and years, of course now with bandages and clearly roughed up, but somehow… Liam knew it was him. He still had the same features.

Also, he did not look as if he was about to rip Liam’s head off, so… 

“Here’s Liam… “ Niall awkwardly spoke up when no one else did.

“Okay, thanks. You should probably wait outside.” Louis told Niall, and the younger boy immediately started to try and complain.

“But I-“

“Niall. Please.” Louis’ voice was very firm and it was obvious to Liam that this was not the first time Louis was giving Niall orders.

The younger boy sighed, then he looked at Liam, and then he did leave, closing the door behind himself. 

Why did Liam suddenly feel as if they were about to discuss custody of a child?

“… how are you?” Liam asked, slowly coming closer, but not too close. Neither of them wanted to be here.

“Terrific.” Louis told him sarcastically, and Liam felt sympathy for him. None of this looked comfortable, and he assumed the only reason Louis wanted to have this conversation was because he had possibly received medication to calm him down. “I didn’t ask you to come here for small-talk, I only wanna tell you that if you screw this up with Niall I will not let you enjoy the rest of your life.”

See, as much as Liam hated Louis telling him what to do, he appreciated that he cared so much about Niall. So much that he was now in hospital for him.

“I’d do anything for him.” Liam told him with as much honesty in his voice as possible. He doubted that Louis believed him. “… just because he’s staying with me doesn’t mean he’s choosing me over you. It’s not a choice based on personality.”

The man other man only shrugged as a reaction to that, he had stopped looking at Liam. “I don’t need your sympathy. And it is about that, but it makes sense, you two were a lot closer. From the moment he came to tell me he was at your office, I knew he’d eventually forgive you for it all. Don’t get me wrong, I’d be really happy for him because I know he’s missed you and he secretly wanted this the entire time, it’s just… I don’t really know you anymore. And what you did was fucked up.”

“I was eleven. And I apologized to Niall, and I will apologize to you as well. I only had Niall’s best interest in mind.” And yeah, Liam had not taken into consideration Louis’ in all of this, but also, Louis had a tendency to blow things out of proportion as well. “If you want to ever talk about that… “

“I really don’t.” Well, that sounded very final. “Just take care of Niall, he really looks up to you, always has. For whatever reason, but I don’t have to agree with any of that. He has no one else besides us.”

“Which is why we should maybe try to solve these issues.” Liam suggested, his heart hurting though. 

“For Niall’s sake, I will tolerate this, but you and I are never gonna be friends again, Liam.” So, what was Liam supposed to say to that? “And whatever I told him about you, I didn’t do it because I was trying to bad mouth you, I was trying to save him from getting hurt again. I didn’t make these things up, you really did do them.”

“Then we probably remember different versions of it.” Was all Liam told him, because he did not wanna fight.

Louis looked like he was thinking about arguing about it, then he shrugged. “Probably. I need to sleep this off now.”

“Okay. Should I send Harry back in?” Liam asked, trying to sound casual, the older man suddenly looked surprised. Maybe also that Liam knew his name. If he only knew the whole story… 

“He’s still here?” Wait, he had thought he had left?

“Yeah, as far as I know.” No way he had left in the meantime.

Louis seemed to think about it for a moment, then he shrugged as if it didn’t matter. “Alright. Also… one more thing.”

“What?” Liam had already been on his way out.

“I don’t know what Niall’s been telling you about me or tonight or in general, but it’s none of your goddamn business.” He was talking about the drugs, no doubt.

“I know that.” Liam gave back, and he kinda wanted to tell Louis that his life was none of his business either and yet he couldn’t seem to keep Liam’s name out of his mouth, but then he let it go. It wasn’t worth it. “I hope you can go home soon.”

“Yeah, whatever. Tell Niall I’ll text him.” So then Liam nodded and left without another word.

Niall had gone back to wait with Harry, and he jumped up immediately when Liam came to join them, seemingly very nervous.

“How’d it go?” He asked quickly, still biting his thumbnail.

“Fine.” Liam promised, petting his back as he looked at Harry. “He told me to ask you to go back inside.”

“Oh, okay.” Harry seemed surprised, but not unhappy about it. “Are you guys leaving?”

“Yeah…if it’s okay with you?” Liam asked Niall, and the boy seemed to hesitate, then he nodded. It hadn’t sounded as if Louis and Niall had more to say to each other, honestly. “Louis said he’d text you.”

“Okay… “ Niall was standing very close to Liam, and it was obvious he was also getting tired. “Then we can leave.”

“Okay. We’ll talk soon?” Liam looked at Harry, not knowing what else to say.

“We always talk.” The man let out a very quick laugh. “Get home safe.”

“You too… Wait, how are you getting home?” He didn’t have his car here, did he?

“I’ll call a Taxi, I’ll be fine, Li.” Harry playfully rolled his eyes, petting Liam’s shoulder once. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight… “ Niall mumbled, and Liam did the same, but then…

“I think you should tell him. That you and I know each other.” Liam told Harry before he left, and Harry looked as if he was thinking about it, then he shrugged and waved goodbye, leaving them alone.

“Do you really think that’s a good idea?” The younger boy sounded very unsure about it, and honestly, Liam wasn’t sure either. 

“He will find out at some point.” And then he’d just be even more upset.

Niall didn’t argue with that logic, it was obvious he was more concerned about other things, but hesitating to say them out loud, so Liam decided to relive some of his stress.

“He told me if I hurt you he will make my life hell. And then we agreed to disagree on the past. I think he’s fine with you staying with me instead of him, I don’t think he takes it personal.” Although… maybe it WAS personal, Liam couldn’t look inside of Niall’s head, he was just glad the boy seemed to trust him. “He really cares a lot about you, Ni.”

“I know… that’s why I feel bad.” Niall sighed, and he leaned in closer when Liam let his arm fall around his shoulders. He wasn’t holding back with those things anymore, because it was obvious Niall really wanted to be close to him. “… I really just wanna stay with you though.”

He didn’t give a reason nor did he continue, so Liam only squeezed him, letting it be what it was. 

\-------------------------

Niall made sure to thank Liam a few more times for coming along, agreeing to talk to Louis and just… the general support. The man kept brushing it off, but Niall did not take any of this for granted. He was still surprised that Louis had been able to have a civil conversation with Liam, and it made Niall feel even more like a child to think that those 2 were only doing this for him.

Didn’t help that Niall ended up in Liam’s bed again that night.

“How are you feeling?” Liam asked after Niall had lied down and the older man was still putting away something in his closet. 

“Alright, I think… “ Niall wasn’t sure, and it was hard for him to think when he was lying in Liam’s bed and everything smelled like him. Should this have been weird? “Just nervous because of the police and stuff… I mean… I never did anything like Louis and what I did was really long ago and no one has any proof for it anyways, so I think I’ll be fine, it’s just… stressful to think about it. I also really don’t want the police to question me about Louis and Will.”

“Yeah, I get that.” The older man sighed as he also came to lie in bed, having turned off the lights already so it was completely dark in the room. “But Harry would be able to help, I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“I hope so… “ Liam didn’t know any details, so he couldn’t really promise anything, but Niall appreciated his attempts. “I kinda don’t even wanna think about it anymore, I can’t control it anyways… maybe we should just sleep.”

“Can you?” Good question, but Niall pretended as if he was super tired, as if his mind wasn’t still running wild. “… do you have anything to do for uni tomorrow?”

“Um, I usually have something to do for uni, but I don’t think I’ll feel like it… “ In the lights of recent events, Niall deserved a break, right? “… why?”

“Just asking. I was going to get a Christmas tree tomorrow.” Oh.

“But… do you celebrate Christmas here?” Niall thought he had told him he celebrated with his family… with Harry. That thought alone still baffled Niall. Was Harry still with Louis right now?

“Not usually, but I like decorating it.” Liam explained, which Niall could not understand in any way whatsoever. The Christmas talk got him really nervous, and it seemed Liam could suddenly read his thoughts in that moment. “I don’t know if you celebrate, or with whom, but… I’d take you with me for Christmas. Or we can also stay here, it’s not that important to me to go see my family. Just so you know I won’t leave you alone.”

“Thank you, I- but I can’t just-“

“We don’t have to discuss it now, okay? I just wanted you to know that you don’t have to worry about it.” Then Liam reached over, somehow finding Niall’s hand in the darkness to pet it for a moment, leaving his own on top for the split of a second.

Niall kinda wished he would have just left it there. Just like he wished he would have not shown his vulnerable side to Liam and how terrified he was of being alone because it was embarrassing, but at the same time… it might have just been the best decision he had ever made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello :)
> 
> i hope you liked the chapter, it was a bit of a filler but also a bit to establish their relationships further! i am trying not to let them talk about the past because its a bit like the climax of the fic and idk yet if i want it to happen right now haha!
> 
> next week there will be a christmas chapter! maybe also the week after, ill have to see how it works out :)  
> thank you for all the support as always, have a great week!! <3


	9. Chapter 9

Two weeks passed easily without Niall noticing too much. 

In the beginning he kept thinking a lot about Louis and Will, about what the situation that he had gotten himself into was like, how he was surely going to be getting on Liam’s nerves very soon, how things would spin out of control eventually. Especially with Liam’s cousin Harry and Louis hooking up or doing whatever together as well as the involvement of the police, thanks to Will.

None of that happened though, much to Niall’s surprise.

Living with Liam was really easy, somehow. It became normal really fast to be sleeping in his bed, waiting for him in front of his office to get done with work, accompanying him to go grocery shopping and buying gifts for his family for Christmas, cooking together, all those kinda things.

Niall was enjoying it a lot more than he would have liked to admit, he had never had a routine of doing every-day things, had never really helped anyone to do domestic stuff like cleaning an apartment or putting away the groceries and having a laundry day. It was weird at first, but Niall very quickly started to appreciate it all.

Liam had his life together, he had really figured it out though it was nothing special, and Niall was so jealous of him that sometimes, he could have gotten angry. Not at Liam, just at the universe for dealing them such different cards, for making Niall go through all this shit all the damn time.

Not that some of it wasn’t on him, but he also hadn’t really had the best start though the longer he thought about, the more he had to remind himself not to wallow in too much self pity. There was no solution in that.

Sometimes, Niall also wondered whether Liam loved his life as much as Niall felt like he should have, he wasn’t overly happy and a time or ten he kept telling Niall how ready he was to get a break from work, how he felt really tired some days or just not in the mood to do much. Sure, that happened to anyone, but somehow the younger boy was still surprised it happened to _Liam_ as well, when his life seemed like something Niall could only ever dream about.

It reminded him not to judge too quickly, because everyone had their demons to deal with, they were just different from his own.

“Hi.” Niall had literally just come around the corner the moment Liam had closed his office door and was locking it. For the final time this year, hopefully.

“Oh, hey.” Liam briefly turned around to smile before locking the door, keeping the keys in his hands after because he’d need his car key in a moment anyways. “I didn’t expect you to be done already. How was your exam?”

“Uuuh. It was… a bit difficult.” Niall settled for that, and Liam looked a bit sad. He had helped Niall study for his exams the past two weeks, trying to motivate him to try hard and whatnot. The truth was, Niall had started way too late to begin with, and he’d only get the results in a week or so, so who knew what would happen. He had more pressing issue to deal with right now anyways. “I’m just glad the semester is finally over.”

“Yeah, me too.” The older man agreed, looking relieved. It was Friday, the last day of university before Christmas break, and Niall had never felt so energized about it.

Usually that meant he’d spend more time at whoever’s place he was staying at the moment, which he used to dread. Now though, he was almost excited about it now that he was living with Liam. 

“We should just order food tonight and do nothing at all.” Liam suggested as they walked down the hallways, and Niall nodded immediately. Then again, they had done this many times before, and Liam always ended up paying, which made Niall feel quite bad, but it was like… no matter what he said, Liam never let him pay for anything. Like, nothing at all, not even a bottle of water. “I almost can’t believe I only gotta go back to work in like three weeks.”

“I wish I could say the same.” Niall joked, but then again, he also wasn’t too unhappy to be working more during his break. He’d still get a lot of days off, and he’d need the money anyways.

Living with Liam really helped him to save some money, which he felt guilty about, but Liam seemed to not mind. More, he seemed to actually WANT for Niall to save up.

“Sorry, I didn’t wanna rub it in your face.” He apologized immediately, briefly petting Niall’s back, then he let his arm fall around his shoulders, something he had done so often now that Niall had almost seen it coming.

They were definitely touching each other a lot, both of them would initiate it at times. Niall felt very comforted whenever Liam had his arms around him, or was close to him in general, there was just something about it, and Niall blamed it on how maybe his body must have remembered how close they had been as kids. How Liam’s embrace and presence had been the only thing in the world able to really comfort him.

Maybe still was to this day.

“It’s fine, I was just joking. I kinda don’t really mind it anyways. I thought the store would get super busy before Christmas, but so far that theory hasn’t been confirmed.” Niall joked, but he meant it though. All sorts of people came into the store to pick up their packages, but it hadn’t gotten significantly more over the past few days even though it was already December 18th. “I’m honestly waiting for the day it’ll get closed down.”

“Do you think it will?” Liam sounded slightly worried, but Niall only shrugged.

“No idea. I’ll just work somewhere else then, it’s fine.” Or maybe it wasn’t, what was really fine these days anyway? Well, living with Liam was a blessing, and to be certain of the man’s support, but that was really about it. “Good practice for when I graduate. IF I ever graduate after those exams.”

“I thought a lot of them went well.” Right, Niall needed to stop adjusting his stories as he saw fit, based on who he was speaking to.

Then again, he barely spoke to anyone besides Liam these days, and a few of his classmates. Ever since the thing between Louis and Will had gone down, their friendship group was split and most of them blamed Niall, because they didn’t know half the story, or simply didn’t believe any of it. Louis was talking to Niall sometimes, but mostly on the phone because he was busy with work and doing whatever, and deep down Niall knew he was holding a grudge and it hurt, but there was nothing he could have done to change it.

He had apologized again, a hundred times, and at least Louis had been able to go home from the hospital very quickly, had been allowed to keep his job at the bar. The police had him under surveillance and had paid him a visit or two, but they hadn’t found anything and Niall wondered where they had looked. No one had ever called Niall himself though, and he wasn’t sure how much of the truth Louis had told him about that, but honestly, Niall was just glad to not have gotten officially involved in this, especially because he was fairly certain that if Louis had one slip up, the police would know immediately.

So obviously Niall did not wanna go back to living with Louis, or anyone, and especially after staying with Liam for so long. Nothing came close to it and he had never lived with anyone while feeling so… at home, almost. No parties, no drug deals, no coming home at 4 in the morning, no one puking all over the place, no rotten food, no nothing.

Maybe Niall’s standards weren’t that high after everything, but that really was not his fault.

“It’s always hard for me to tell how I did.” Niall tried to explain to Liam as they reached his car, and the man let his arm slip to walk to the driver’s side. “I’ll eventually pass them, even if I failed them now. It’ll be fine.” 

Though Liam told him that was a good attitude to have, Niall wasn’t sure if he truly believed it. That was really the only thing about living with Liam, he noticed way too much, but he also knew too much by now because Niall somehow could not hold back with him. And now that he had already opened up to him, somehow things kept falling out of his mouth.

They had still not really talked about everything that had happened, and Niall was starting to think it didn’t actually matter. What he wanted more than for him and Liam to talk, was for Liam and Louis to talk and try to sort this out between the two of them.

Louis clearly needed help, and maybe it was only Niall who saw that, but he knew he was right. And he wasn’t sure if Louis and Harry were still involved after what had happened, Liam had not really mentioned his cousin again and Louis hadn’t said a word to Niall. Maybe he still didn’t know that Harry and Liam knew each other? Which would be bad, because the longer this went on without him knowing, the more upset would he get once he did find out that both Niall and Harry had kept the secret. 

The drive home was fairly short, Niall told Liam about his exam when the older man asked, and luckily they had gone grocery shopping last night already, so they didn’t have to tonight and could go straight home. Liam had planned this well, he must have known they’d both not be up to do anything after their last day at uni before the break.

Liam asked something once they were home, and Niall was busy finding the number on his advent calendar because he hadn’t wanted any chocolate in the morning.

“Huh?” He made, not really having paid any attention, where was- oh, there it was.

“What do you wanna eat?” The older man repeated himself, sounding amused.

“I don’t really mind. Whatever you want.” Niall told him quickly, but he truly meant it. Liam had literally never gotten him anything he didn’t like. “I’m so hungry, I’d eat anything right now.”

“You can have a snack, because the food will take a while to arrive.” Liam suggested, but Niall’s mouth was already full of chocolate. “Maybe something not so sweet?”

“Too wate.” Niall told him with a full mouth, turning red because it had probably come out quite weird. And slightly gross.

The older man just laughed at him though, in a fond way that got Niall’s face even hotter than it had already been.

Liam did make Niall choose in the end, and he even made him order altogether with his credit card while he went to the bathroom. The level of trust Liam was putting into Niall was truly surprising him again and again, he had given Niall his spare key as well, was letting him sleep in his bed every night and now he was also giving him his credit card. 

It made Niall feel at ease, because it was proof of how Liam was definitely not planning on kicking him out very soon, but it also made him feel slightly guilty. And a bit pathetic. 

But what was new?

“It says 30 minutes.” Niall told the man as he gave his phone back, which wasn’t so bad. Maybe Niall wouldn’t starve after all. “Thank you.”

“It’s for me too.” Was all Liam said, then he ruffled Niall’s hair a bit. “Let’s see if we can find a movie to watch.”

So they did that for a few minutes while sitting on the couch, but Liam seemed quite distracted by his phone, so Niall was really the one deciding in the end. He didn’t start the movie though, they usually waited until the food got here, and since it wouldn’t be that long… 

“Hey, Ni… “ Liam asked after a moment, slowly. He waited for Niall to look at him before he continued. “Do you remember when Harry was talking about how I know Zayn? You know, the guy whose videos you watch?”

“Yeah?” Niall asked back, not knowing where this was going, but Liam didn’t seem very eager to let him know as he hesitated so the younger boy decided to try and lighten the mood. “His videos weren’t so helpful for my last exam.”

“I’m sorry about that.” The older man was clearly holding back his laughter, but Niall had kinda been joking anyways. But also not fully. “Uh, it’s just… I’ve not really seen Zayn lately, he’s really busy. But… he asked to hang out and I- would you mind if he came over? He won’t eat any of the food we ordered.”

“I’m not so bad with sharing as you make it seem.” The younger boy joked although his heart definitely sped up a bit. It’s not that he was disappointed because he had wanted Liam to himself, he always had Liam to himself, he was just… nervous? “I wouldn’t mind, no. And it’s your apartm-“

“You can tell me if you’d rather he didn’t come, it’s not about whose apartment it is.” But it was though, no matter how many times Liam denied it. 

“I’m really fine with it.” Niall insisted, trying to sound very casual.

“He, uh… “ Liam started after nodding and another pause, then he cleared his throat for a second. “He’s the friend who was with me, that night when we saw each other in front of the bar. When Louis-“

“Oh.” What else was Niall supposed to say to that? “I mean… it was pretty dark, so, um… but does he know I’m like, staying with you?”

“He doesn’t know anything, just what I briefly told him that night… and that wasn’t much. I doubt he can even remember it. That was like a month ago.” Okay, but…

“What are you gonna tell him?” Maybe this was none of Niall’s business, but he still wanted to be prepared. “I mean… about me.”

“That we’re friends and you’re staying with me for a while.” Liam shrugged, and when he had said it, honestly, it had sounded very casual. “He just wants to hang out, not investigate us, I hope.”

“I mean, you can tell him whatever you want of course, he’s your friend, I was just wondering what I should say if he asks me.” Also, what to say if he spoke to Niall in general. Niall wasn’t bad with strangers at all, it’s just… considering their history and the fact that Zayn must have already known certain things about him, even if he couldn’t know they were about Niall…

“Whatever you want, Ni, really. I don’t mind it. You can also tell him you watch his videos.” Liam told him immediately, but the younger boy wasn’t sure if he should have taken him by his word. Did he have another choice though? “But you can really say it if you don’t want-“

“It’s really okay, Li. I promise.” Niall laughed, as if the thought that he could have said no to this was ridiculous, when in reality… it wasn’t so far fetched. Not at all, actually.

So Liam must have texted his friend that he could come over afterwards, and Niall had no idea how to feel about it, so he made sure to start the movie even before the food arrived to distract himself. It did come before Zayn got here, but there was literally only a two minute difference and he arrived before Niall had even taken his first bite.

The doorbell ringing a second time made Niall flinch but he kept it together. This was fine, why was he even freaking out? Obviously Liam had friends and a life and couldn’t just spend his whole days with only Niall, the kinda life they had been living the past two weeks wasn’t exactly normal nor had Niall thought it’d stay like this forever.

Eventually, he’d be able to get his own place after all as well.

Zayn didn’t need long to get up, so Liam stayed by the door to wait for him, and Niall felt his eyes on him but he kept pretending to be watching the TV. He knew the older man was worried, but this was ridiculous, this was not a big deal and Niall was not a baby.

Even if he sometimes behaved like one, especially around Liam.

“Hey, what’s up?” Zayn seemed to be in a good mood once he had reached the front door, and Niall briefly watched them hug, quickly swallowing his food and almost choking on it. Luckily, he managed to do that in silence. 

“Good, you? You look different.” Liam sounded as if he was joking, his friend shrugged though, then his eyes landed on Niall. Should Niall have introduced himself? “This is Niall, he’s a friend. He’s staying with me right now, I forgot to tell you.”

“Oh? Hi, I’m Zayn, nice to meet you.” He was smiling as he came over and Niall quickly got up. God, this was so weird, not only the fact that he had known what Zayn looked like already, but also because well, he seemed so NORMAL. Liam had normal friends, something Niall could not say about himself or anyone else he knew.

Then again, wasn’t this a bit sad to actually admit? Because it also meant he did not consider himself a normal friend to others. Maybe after this Zayn would walk out talking about Liam about _his_ strange friend that was Niall.

“You too.” Niall tried to smile as well as they shook hands, internally praying that Zayn would not ask any questions as to why the fuck Niall was here.

It seemed, he was nothing like Harry though, so that was good.

“If I had known you guys were having food, I would have brought some.” He looked hungry too, not a good sign, and Niall had to actually stop himself from grabbing his own food to hold it close.

“You can have some of mine.” Liam offered immediately as he came over as well, his couch just big enough for three people. Only, why did Zayn have to sit in the middle now?

“No, no, please. I might just order something myself, actually.” He seemed to truly mean it, because he immediately got out his phone, and Niall tried not to stare at him, but he was right THERE, blocking his view on Liam. “So, what’s been going on with work and everything?”

Liam and Zayn had some small talk after Zayn must have ordered his food, about work and life, and they did try to include Niall. Like, Zayn asked him a couple times what he did and then what he studied, but he never asked any follow up questions, or why the hell he was even here, which Niall very much appreciated.

Maybe this was the reason Harry and Zayn did not seem to get on, but then again… Niall had nothing against Harry, at all, he seemed to be very loyal and Niall had a feeling he and Louis were still hooking up. He could have asked Liam, but what was it to Niall, really? Especially now that he and Louis barely talked anymore… 

When Zayn’s food arrived a while later, Liam was the one to go get it, and it left Niall and Zayn alone on the couch for a moment, which seemed to be one moment too long though.

“So when are you graduating?” Zayn asked, probably only to be nice, Niall wasn’t sure. He seemed to be very chill and friendly, but Niall had already thought so before, because of the videos. Now he felt like a stalker, although none of this was his fault.

“I got one more semester left after this one, so hopefully in the summer.” The thought was really scary, but Niall pushed it away quickly. 

“Are you excited?” He kept asking, as if Niall was going to say yes, but he just shrugged instead and Zayn laughed. “Look, I get it, we can’t all have our lives planned out perfectly like Liam, right? I mean look at me, it looks like I still can’t decide on a career.”

“I, actually, uh… “ Niall started as Liam came back, then he told himself to just get it together. He needed to talk a bit or Zayn would think he was an idiot and Liam would think he could never invite anyone over ever again. “I’ve watched your videos a couple times, I didn’t wanna make it weird before so I didn’t say anything, but… they actually helped me out a lot in a class of mine.”

“Wha- seriously? That’s really funny. Did you know that, Li?” He sounded highly amused, but also proud, maybe? It was hard to tell.

“I did, actually. But we only really found out by accident.” Liam smiled at Niall, and Niall did his best to keep his face happy as well. He wasn’t unhappy, just still nervous for some reason.

Maybe he was waiting for the moment where Zayn would finally address the elephant in the room and he’d figure out that Niall was friends with Louis, who had been yelling at Liam across the street and… just, why?

“I’m glad they helped you out. Did you get a good grade?” No, but Niall decided in this case, he should just nod. “Sick. I’ve honestly never met anyone who watches my tutorials, I kept doing them for fun.”

“I’m really grateful you did… although, it is a bit weird seeing you sitting here right now. And that you’re Liam’s friend.” Niall tried to make it sound light, in a joking way, but sadly, that seemed to only make Zayn consider other things as well.

“I’m glad you told me, I might keep those videos going just for you. How do you two know each other?” There it was, the question that made Niall lean forward a bit to look at Liam, trying to silently tell him to step in now because he did not wanna answer this.

“We, uh, we’ve known each other for years. We go way back.” Liam explained, exaggerating it slightly, but then again… was he lying? Not really, they just had had zero contact in all those years.

“Ah.” Was all Zayn made, then he looked at Liam rather intensely and Niall turned his head. So Zayn probably put two and two together at this point, who knew what he knew about Liam’s past and childhood, they seemed to be good friends, so Niall assumed Liam had told him. Maybe he had even known Niall’s name already before coming here. “So, are you celebrating Christmas together as well?”

THAT question caused silence in both of them, neither of them having expected it, especially because they had not even talked about why Niall was staying with Liam anyway. On the other hand… why would Niall even care if Zayn knew anything about him or not? It was what it was.

“We’ve not really talked about that.” Liam finally said, and though they had, he was also right. They had not discussed this again ever since getting back from the hospital two weeks ago. The days after that, Niall had been living in constant fear of the police contacting him, so he had forgotten about Christmas altogether.

Honestly, he didn’t wanna celebrate it, was that wrong?

“Oh, okay, sorry, I was just asking. I thought I should have warned Niall if he goes home with you and meets your lovely cousin.” Zayn joked, trying to save the situation, and it did make them both laugh slightly although Niall bit his lip. At least Zayn seemed to sense that there were things between them that were none of his business and he wasn’t pushing them to let him know about them.

“He already knows him.” Liam laughed, and Niall had no idea why he had felt a need to tell his friend that, but now it was out.

Zayn seemed surprised, then he turned to look at Niall, his voice actually sounding very serious, his face as well. “My condolences.”

“Z… “ Liam rolled his eyes at him, shaking his head, but Zayn only burst out laughing.

“Sorry, sorry. I’m sure he was super nice to you and all, he’s not that bad. We just have our… differences.” He tried to explain as Niall grinned. He could see where those two would clash, and at the same time, he couldn’t stop thinking about how he would have expected Louis to like someone like Zayn better than Harry.

Then again, that was about his taste in friends, and he and Harry were definitely NOT friends. At least not exclusively.

“He was really nice, I liked him.” Niall said it for Liam, but he also meant it. “Actually, he’s the one who noticed I was watching a video of yours.”

Right after it was out, Niall regretted it deeply and Liam threw a glance at him also, but then he seemed to relax, as if he didn’t actually care how much Niall told Zayn, just like he had told him before.

“How come?” Zayn seemed surprised too, and Niall silently scolded himself. He needed to shut up once a while, seriously. Like, not only with half strangers, but also around Liam lately.

“I was doing homework for uni and- it was with Photoshop and stuff and I watched one of your- anyways, Harry recognized your voice, and then he asked me about it.” Niall shrugged, careful not to explain when or where this had taken place. No need to now also mention Louis, Niall might have as well told Zayn his entire life story after that.

“He’s my number one fan, that’s why he recognized my voice, he’s just too shy to admit it so he’s pretending that he hates me, you know?” Again, he said it too seriously, Niall might have believed him had Liam not given him a light push after that.

“Alright, that’s enough for tonight, let’s switch the topic.” Liam then started to talk about something completely unrelated, throwing another look at Niall, who didn’t really react to any of it because for what?

In the end, Niall had changed his mind about Zayn coming over, it had actually been quite nice. Mostly because it had made him feel at ease, to know Liam wasn’t hiding him from his friends, and that he wasn’t stopping the older man from living his life just because he was here. It brought a sense of normality that Niall really appreciated.

He told Liam that once they were alone again, of course wording it very differently, in a way so that Liam wouldn’t immediately try to reassure him again. Niall felt like he had gotten to know Liam a lot better in that sense, he knew when he had to be more careful, how the older man would most likely react to certain things.

“… how _are_ we spending Christmas?” Liam asked once Niall was already lying in his bed, playing on his phone and almost dropping it on his face following the question.

“I… I don’t know.” He watched Liam for a moment as he walked over to the bed as well, then he looked away quickly. He’d never get over the fact that they were sharing a bed, had been sharing it for two weeks now and Niall automatically went to lie in it at night.

Then again, Liam had never again put his blanket and pillow on the couch, so where else would he have lied down?

Had Zayn known that, even he would have probably had a lot more questions for Liam.

“You’re going home to your family, right?” Niall asked carefully, because he knew he was. 

“Depends.” The older man gave back as he sat on his bed, on his side. Well, it was all his side because it was his bed, but they did have designated spots by now, which made Niall blush to think about, so he tried not to.

Just as much as whenever Liam came back from jogs all sweaty or was walking out of the shower with only a towel wrapped around himself. Those were worries Niall was delaying until further notice though, because he could not need this right now. Or ever.

“Do you want to come?” Liam sounded so serious about this, and Niall realized he did not have a choice anyways. “We can also stay here.”

“No, I- I wouldn’t want you to miss out on celebrating with your family.” But also… “But they don’t even know who I am, and I wasn’t invited, and also-“

“My aunt loves a full house. I’d just tell her beforehand, she won’t mind at all, and you already also know Harry.” Yeah, that was another problem.

“… have you spoken to him a lot since… you know?” What if Louis had told him lies about Liam as well? Would he try to pit them against one another, since he hadn’t managed to do it with Niall? Well, not anymore, at least, because over the past five years before Niall had walked into Liam’s office, he had to admit he had thought very badly of Liam, without really questioning it.

Deep down, he had always wished to go back to how they had been before, of course as adults now, but still. He had been missing Liam for what felt like more than a lifetime.

“Sometimes.” Liam shrugged, seemingly not worried. “He’s really busy with work. Probably also with Louis.”

“They’re still hooking up?” Niall wouldn’t have known.

“I think so, I’m not sure. We don’t really talk about any of it. He also didn’t really ask me about you anymore.” Thank god, but also, maybe that meant Louis had already caught him up. Niall wouldn’t have been surprised, honestly. “But back to Christmas.”

“Umm… I don’t know what to say.” Niall told him truthfully, he felt really nervous about this. “Maybe… maybe you should just do what you had planned, and I’ll stay with Louis for a bit.”

“Niall.” Liam started, waiting until Niall had turned his head to look at him even though he really, really did not want to. Especially whenever the older man way saying his name like that. “Do you really wanna do that? If you’re being honest?”

“Well… “ No. Because one, Louis was out of control, and two, the police was probably watching over him like a hawk unlike what he had tried to make Niall believe. Also three, he probably would not even let Niall stay with him at this point, not only because of the police and the fight, but also because he was clearly still hurt because Niall was staying with Liam. Understandably so, but what choice had Niall had? “I mean… Louis won’t be home much, his birthday is on Christmas Eve, so he always spends that time celebrating and… yeah. Usually I join, but… “

“I won’t keep you from celebrating his birthday, Ni. I understand if you wanna spend it with him.” Did he, though? Did he really?

“Yeah, well… “ Niall cleared his throat, feeling frustrated. God, why couldn’t he say what he meant? “It’s not like- like he expects me to be there, he’s got a ton of friends and also- I mean… I don’t know. We usually don’t sleep for days and it’s not- I also gotta work right after Christmas.”

“Okay. So are we staying or going to my family?” Liam asked, as if there was no other option but for them to stay together.

“You are going to your family, you-“

“So that means you’re coming.” The older man falsely concluded, and Niall already had his mouth open to protest, but he wasn’t given the option, so he closed it again for a moment, swallowing it down. There was no use, not with Liam.

“I don’t know.” Liam was asking out of pity, or maybe he just didn’t care, but… what would everyone think? Niall didn’t even have presents for anyone. “I mean-“

“You can think about it, but I’m not letting you stay with Louis if it’s not what you really want. And I really want you to come meet my family, just so you know.” He said it in a way that forced Niall to look away from his face, because god, Liam was always so good at making him feel as if… as if he truly wanted nothing more in this world than to have him around, always and in any situation.

But how could he have wanted that? How could this be real?

“Let’s sleep over it.” Liam decided when there was no answer, and if Niall had needed any more confirmation that he was still the little brother in need of protection in Liam’s eyes, the man leaned over to unexpectedly kiss his forehead before turning off the lights. THAT was definitely something new. “Night, Nialler. “

In that moment, Niall was very certain he would not be able to sleep over anything at all, in fact, he felt more awake than ever before. 

At what point would it be considered okay for Niall to realize that he was completely whipped for Liam? And how was he supposed to live like that?

\---------------------------

_Liam couldn’t stop thinking about it._

_About running away, simply taking off and never looking back. He knew Louis’ stance on all of this, so he had not consulted him or anyone for that matter. He had only mentioned it to Niall once, but the boy was 6 years old (or somewhere around that age, they did not have a calendar and Niall also didn’t know his birthday), he could not think about it the way Liam could. Niall didn’t know what was best for him, and he trusted Liam to do it for him._

_He would have gone to and done anything at all Liam told him to, so it made it even more difficult. If Liam chose wrong, he wouldn’t only choose wrong for himself, but for Niall as well. And he wasn’t sure if this kinda responsibility wasn’t too much for him to take on._

_So he pushed the thought away for a little bit, Niall started to feel better and it got warmer outside, they had a few weeks where Liam genuinely was glad that he hadn’t acted out of impulse._

_But then suddenly, there was a day where they did not do well, and Liam had to take another punishment, and then another one. It kept happening for some reason, and Liam knew it was because things were tense right now, but still._

_After a while, his body was covered in bruises, and Niall was crying most days, and the thought of leaving suddenly crossed his mind yet again._

_But where would they have gone? The two of them? Should he have asked Louis after all?_

_“… do you think anything is going on?” Liam decided to ask Louis as they were walking together, Niall holding Liam’s hand tightly, busy staring at whoever and whatever was passing them by. “Everyone seems so tense lately… “_

_“Probably, they would never tell us anyways. Maybe one of the bosses got in trouble with the police or something. I also heard they’re doing a lot with drugs. The adults, I mean.” Oh. “It’s better if we don’t talk about it, it has nothing to do with us.”_

_“Yeah, but… they keep taking it out on me.” Liam tried to laugh it off, but the truth was that even now, ever step gave him a pinch of pain somewhere in his body and he was terrified most nights whenever they got back._

_“It will pass.” Was all Louis said to that, but he looked the slightest bit as if he felt bad for Liam. Only for a moment though. “Those are not just your punishments.”_

_He was referring to the fact that Liam always stepped up when Niall was the one who had messed up, and Liam stayed quiet because Niall was listening to their conversation. Not so much that he would have said something now, but surely he’d notice if they said his name._

_“I know.” Liam told him, then suddenly, he felt the need to say something else. “… I’ve thought a lot about what it would be like if we were somewhere else lately.”_

_“And where? There is nowhere to go.” He was right, but also… how would he have known? “It’ll get better, once you’re older. Once Niall is older. You just have to get through it. I was where you were once, but now they let me do a lot of things and don’t scold me for everything.”_

_“Yeah… “ So Louis was determined to stay, it almost sounded as if he was sometimes proud of it all, of being one of the favorite’s. As if he considered this place his home, even if Liam was walking around looking like a living punching bag. In some ways, Liam got it, in other ways, it showed him that the friendship he and Louis had would never be as deep as what Liam and Niall had._

_He would have never let them put a finger on Niall. Ever. He would have rather killed one of them._

_When they got back a whole while later, Niall was being very quiet, but upon Liam asking, he told him he was just very sleepy. Liam knew him better than the back of his hand though, so he kept pushing, and eventually, the boy opened up to him._

_“I’m just so cold, Li.” It had been really warm today, otherwise Liam would have not found this very alarming._

_“Do you feel sick too?” Liam asked, waiting a moment, then Niall nodded. Maybe he had never gotten over his cold, and how could he have? Under these conditions. “Okay, I- here, put on my hoodie, I’m not very cold.”_

_So Niall let Liam put his hoodie on him, roll up the sleeves, so he wouldn’t be drowning in it. He looked cute like this, but somehow also even more sick._

_“You can keep it, yeah?” It was kinda tight on Liam anyways, he was growing so he had had to try and replace a lot of clothing items that had fit him in the beginning. But even then he had been older than Niall was now. “C’mon, let’s go eat.”_

_Niall seemed excited about that, but he was moving more slowly than usually, he was more quiet, and Liam knew something was up, that he was possibly about to get really sick again and there was nothing he could have done to help him._

_If he had gotten punished already for being non-productive, Liam mentally prepared himself for it to only keep getting worse instead of better._

_One thing he knew for sure now though, if he did leave, he could not count on Louis to come with them or to even consider him helping them out. He had found his place here, and whether it was true or not, he believed that staying was the best option they had._

_Just like Liam knew believed that if he and Niall stayed any longer, things would spin out of control eventually. Liam wasn’t intending on sticking around for that long though._

\---------------------

“I don’t have gifts for anyone.” Niall told Liam, for the tenth time. “They’re gonna think I’m-“

“Niall, no one will think anything. I called my aunt and told her I would bring a friend and asked if that’s alright, and she was actually happy about it. She said the more people help in the kitchen, the better.” Well, she had not worded it this way, and also, Liam was pretty sure his aunt thought he and Niall were hooking up.

But yeah, Niall did not have to know that, did he?

It was the 24th, they’d spend two nights at Harry’s mom’s house and then go back home, and honestly, Liam was a bit surprised by how quickly he had convinced Niall to come. Niall really did not want to stay with Louis, did he?

Liam had almost offered that Niall could stay here by himself, which would have been completely fine for Liam, but if he had offered it, he knew his chances of convincing Niall to come would have been gone. And he knew Niall did not like Christmas, but he had also never celebrated it and Liam didn’t wanna leave him alone. Especially when he knew how much Niall hated to be alone. 

Also, if Liam had stayed here with him, Niall would have felt guilty thinking he was ruining Liam’s holidays, so… it was the only option for them to both go.

“But what if-“

“Nialler, it will be okay. I promise. It will be fun.” Liam promised, hoping that it would be. “Look, if it makes you feel better, I know they only invite me out of pity as well.”

“Why? They’re your family.” Niall seemed confused, but he did end up getting into the car. 

“Because of my parents, my aunt is my mom’s sister, so… she always invites her as well, but she never shows up because of work, and my dad has another family now. If they wouldn’t invite me, I’d be celebrating by myself.” Liam shrugged, waiting for Niall to also put on his seatbelt before starting the car. “I don’t think it bothers them, I just know they wouldn’t care if I celebrated with my parents. Do you know what I mean? They wouldn’t try to convince me to come if the situation was different. So I just go every year to avoid a discussion, and if this year I wanna bring someone, it makes no difference to them.”

“But it’s like… it’d be different if you brought a girlfriend or- a boyfriend, or… you know.” Niall cleared his throat after that, and Liam pretended he hadn’t noticed anything. 

“Why? For them it’s just one more person either way.” It was seriously not a big deal, Liam wasn’t even lying to make Niall feel better. “I also told my aunt not to ask you about a few things, so you don’t have to worry about that. I told her we’re old friends and you and your roommate had a fight, so now you’re living with me until you find something else.”

“I mean… not a lie.” True. Although Liam would have preferred for Niall and Will to have had a normal fight over this whole situation. “Harry is excited that you’re coming.”

“… really?” Niall seemed to doubt it, and maybe Liam had exaggerated his cousin’s enthusiasm, but whatever, he still nodded. “… does he know it’s Louis’ birthday today?”

“I’m not sure, I think so. But he’s already home since last night.” No idea what was going on with Louis and Harry, Liam refrained from asking because he also did not want Harry to ask him about Niall or his childhood trauma. So they were just casually pretending none of it had ever happened.

Liam would have loved to know if Louis had gotten himself into any legal trouble, if there really had not been consequences like he had told Niall. Then again, Liam was just grateful that Niall had been spared, that was the main concern he had had.

It had only been a bit over 2 weeks though, so it seemed too soon to be relieved just yet.

The drive wasn’t very long, 2 and a half hours, and they spent it talking about anything and listening to a few Christmas songs, and Liam was just hoping that Niall managed to relax. Once Liam had stopped the car in front of the right house, whatever worries Niall had had before, they seemed to have come back on an instant though. So really, distracting him in the car had been pointless as well.

“Just stay with me, it’ll be okay.” Liam tried to calm him, reaching over for a moment to put his hand on the back of Niall’s neck. “They won’t ask any questions. Maybe only the kids, but they are kids.”

“Yeah… I just feel like I’m, you know, intruding or something. I know you said I wasn’t, but… “ He shrugged, and Liam understood his concerns very well. He wished he could have taken them away somehow. 

Instead, Liam only squeezed Niall’s neck a bit, letting him breathe for another few moments before they got out of the car. They each only had a backpack because it was 2 nights, so they also didn’t have to carry much inside.

Shortly before they were about to cross the street though, Niall held Liam back all of a sudden, holding onto his jacket.

“Wha-“

Liam started, confused for a moment, but the younger boy only pulled him into a hug. It was a surprise at first, but Liam automatically hugged back as always. At first, he wanted to say something, but then he didn’t, somehow sensing that Niall only needed to be close for a moment.

It was their thing, kind of, and none of them ever commented on it. Liam didn’t say anything when he woke up to Niall having moved close in his sleep, or when he’d hug Liam out of nowhere, and Niall didn’t say anything when Liam pulled him in when they were in public or randomly started to play with his hair when they were just watching TV.

After a while, Niall let go again, slowly.

“Okay?” Liam asked, and the boy nodded, walking with Liam as the man put an arm around his shoulders. 

Everyone was already there when they arrived, and it was Harry who opened the door for them a moment later.

“Hi, guys. Just in time before the food is ready.” He smirked, pulling Liam into a hug and then, out of nowhere, he hugged Niall too. Well, at least that meant Louis had not been talking too much shit about them? If they were still talking, that was. “How was the drive?”

“Fine.” Liam told him after also saying hi, making sure to keep his hand on the small of Niall’s back. 

“I’m glad.” Harry told him, then he turned around to yell across the whole house. “MOM! Liam’s here.”

She came to join them a moment later, pulling Liam into her arms more quickly than he could have reacted or said hello to her. “Oh, Li! I’ve not seen you in _months_ , how are you? How is work? And you must be Liam’s friend? Niall, right? It’s so nice that you’re joining us. Please, call me Anne.”

“Oh, I- thank you for having me.” Niall told her quickly, shaking her hand, and none of them had much time to react to anything else she had asked.

“I gotta check on the food, make yourself at home! Harry will show you where you’re sleeping.” She told them before quickly walking back into the kitchen, scolding one of her grandchildren on the way for touching the walls with chocolate covered hands. Well, at least Niall would not have to worry about feeling like an intruder anymore. Or so Liam hoped.

“I’ll introduce you to my sister and my dad.” Harry told Niall after they had taken off their shoes, and Liam was just really glad that his cousin was taking over for him, including Niall and making sure to make him feel welcome.

The youngest boy still seemed to be nervous, and he kept throwing glances at Liam, staying close to him, but once Harry had introduced him to everyone and they had all been very nice, he visibly calmed down. He had had worries because of the kids as well, but as Liam had already predicted, they were thrilled to meet a friend of his who would spend Christmas with them.

And who had no choice but to promise to play with them after dinner.

“You’re sharing the guest room, that’s fine, right? The kids wanted to sleep in the basement anyways, and Gemma and I have our old rooms, so this one would’ve been empty. My mom went a bit overboard.” She really had, she had decorated the room as well as put things in here as if they were in a hotel or something. She usually did, but Liam also sometimes ended up having sleepovers with kids in the basement when he was here. “She also thinks you guys are dating, by the way.”

“I- did she tell you that?” Liam was a bit taken aback by Harry saying it so easily after he had taken them upstairs, sitting on the double bed, all casually. As if it was no big deal.

Niall’s face had immediately gone white as a sheet.

“No, but she kept implying it. I told her I don’t think that-“

“You don’t _think?_ ” Liam interrupted, not mad at him of course, just… what? 

“I mean, how would I know what happened in the past two weeks. We barely talked.” True, maybe that had been a mistake, looking at it now. “Don’t worry, she won’t say anything.”

“I don’t know why she would believe that anyways.” Liam tried to talk it down, for Niall. He himself did not really care too much, if he was being honest. Why would it have mattered? He also kind of understood where his aunt was coming from. With no background knowledge, the situation seemed random and weird.

“She’s just hopeful you and I won’t end up alone.” Harry shrugged, then he laughed.

Liam didn’t know why, but what he said slipped out by accident. “Did you tell her about Louis?”

“No? Would you tell your mom about who you hook up with?” The way he said it so damn quickly, so casually, it got Liam a bit suspicious, but at least now he had confirmation that they still had something going. 

“No, but that’s different.” Liam told his mother nothing at all, because they never talked. Or so rarely that they had other things to say. 

They were all quiet for a bit, Niall was clearly even more uncomfortable than he had been before arriving and Liam was a bit frustrated over that, but he tried to ignore it for now. Harry was acting weird, that was for sure.

“… it’s Louis’ birthday today.” Niall said it in a strange way, as if he wasn’t sure if he should have, and there was another second of silence, then Harry laughed.

“Okay?” He asked, as if it had nothing to do with him, then he suddenly got up. “I’ll check on the food, I’ll probably call you guys in a few minutes.”

“Alright… thanks.” Liam told him quickly, his cousin already having left the room, so Niall and Liam had all the time in the world to throw looks at one another. “That was weird.”

“Either they had a fight or they ended it. Or they’re dating, who even knows. He surely won’t tell us.” Niall concluded, but really… there weren’t more than those 3 options anyways. It seemed, that was not part of the boy’s concerns though. “… are you gonna tell your aunt that we’re not dating? It might get uncomfortable… “

“If she asks me. I doubt she actually thinks that.” Liam reassured him. Then, to lighten the mood, he gently elbowed the boy with a grin. “Why though? Would it be so terrible to have anyone think you’re dating me?”

“I-I don’t know.” Niall seemed surprised by the joke, his laugh sounding rather nervous. “I was just, uh, surprised.”

“Yeah, me too… but I can tell her, if you want me to.” Liam offered, and Niall shrugged but it was clear that he had wanted to say yes. “I doubt she’d bring it up though.”

“I hope so… “ Niall mumbled as he put down his bag finally. “But they’re all really nice.”

“Are you glad you came yet?” Just to tease him a bit, but Niall seemed serious when he nodded after a moment of hesitation.

Liam was definitely happy enough for the both of them.

They had no time to discuss any of this in depth, because they were being called down to eat just a moment later. Harry was behaving normally during the meal, and also after, and Liam wondered if maybe he and Niall had misinterpreted the way he seemed to have cared for Louis more than two weeks ago. Maybe Harry genuinely only saw the sex, maybe he really had zero feelings for Louis.

Then again, if he didn’t, why was he not bombarding Liam with questions about Niall, about their childhood and the situation between Liam and Louis? It all seemed to have blown over already, as if it had never even happened, all the stress and shock from that night, it had simply… vanished?

Actually, for once Liam had a feeling as if things were going alright, which was a bit suspicious almost. 

Sure, Zayn had had a few questions after meeting Niall last Friday, but Liam had answered him with the absolute minimum amount of information necessary, only briefly mentioning Louis and that night, and Zayn had eventually stopped asking. He had really only wanted confirmation that Niall was not the one who had been yelling at Liam that night. 

Maybe this was Liam’s way of navigating through all of this, talking himself out of situations and ignoring them until they eventually went away and people stopped asking. It seemed to be his and Niall’s way to deal with it all as well.

They all helped to clean up after they were finished eating, Liam made sure to check in with Niall a couple times, quietly, but he seemed to be fine and enjoying himself, especially because the kids had taken a liking to him rather quickly. Liam felt happy to be watching him interacting with his family, maybe for the first time ever experiencing anything like this.

It was both a happy and a sad thought, and Liam definitely got lost in his thoughts for a bit watching Niall talking to Harry’s niece, who was sitting on the counter next to him while he was helping to do the dishes.

“Does it still feel like he’s your little brother?” Harry made Liam flinch, and he quickly made himself snap out of his trance.

“I’ve not really thought about it.” In some ways, Liam thought he would never not see Niall this way, but then… “Why?”

“No idea, just asking. I can’t decide if you’re looking at him because you’re over-protective or like a proud father.” Harry chuckled as Liam rolled his eyes. “At least then it won’t be weird to share a bed.”

“It’s not weird.” Liam answered, too quickly, and his cousin stayed quiet for a moment. 

“So he sleeps in your bed?” Wait…

“I mean… “ God damn it. “It’s just because-“

“Li, I really don’t care. Just… I’m a bit afraid this situation is a lot deeper than what I could ever even imagine and it somehow makes me nervous. Louis refuses to tell me anything at all, just so you know.” Oh? “And you’re not exactly very talkative either.”

“Did you tell Louis? That you’re my cousin?” Liam had been wondering that for over two weeks now.

“I did, when he was still at the hospital. He almost kicked me out of the room.” Sounded like him. “But we talked it out. Or something similar. He’s difficult to talk to whenever things get serious.”

“So you’re, what? Dating? Hooking up? Friends?” All of it?

Harry only shrugged, then he clapped Liam on the shoulder, a grin on his face. “I-“

“Ah, _fuck!_ ” Harry never got to finished, because he was interrupted by Niall cursing very loudly.

It took a moment for Liam to realize what had happened, by then, Harry’s niece was already crying and Harry’s sister had rushed over. 

“What happened?!” Liam asked as he went to check on Niall, putting a hand on his back, his stomach turning a bit when he saw all the blood that had spilled over the sink and the unwashed plates. “Shit, Niall, keep pressure on it, that’s- that’s a lot of blood. Fuck, we should go to the hospital.”

“It’s not so bad, I wasn’t watching and I grabbed the knife to wash it and- sorry I was cursing.” Niall seriously had the nerve to apologize to Gemma now for swearing in front of her still crying daughter.

“Don’t worry about it. I think Li is right though, you should let this get checked out.” Her face had gotten a bit paler as well.

“Definitely, it could get infected and it looks quite deep.” Harry’s mother sounded concerned as well, already getting her phone out. “I can call-“

“I’ll drive you.” Liam stopped her, already seeing the panic rising in Niall’s face. “Let’s wrap it up and go.”

“But-“

“I’ll drive you, you sit in the back with him.” Harry sounded very collected as he handed Liam a clean dish towel. “Hurry up, this really does not look good.”

“It doesn’t look that bad either, okay? We should just go to be safe.” Liam quietly told Niall as their eyes met, the boy’s filled with fear and pain. “Sorry, this is gonna hurt… “

“’s okay… “ Niall half whispered, then he sucked in a breath as Liam took his wrist, but he allowed him to manhandle him, wrap up his wound tightly and Liam tried to be quick. “Argh… I’m so stupid.”

“You’re not, it could have happened to anyone, yeah? I know it really hurts and I’m sorry.” Liam ran his fingers through the boy’s hair, almost feeling his pain in his own body. “It’ll be better to get it checked out though, okay?”

“Yeah, okay… “ He sounded scared, and Liam got it, and he expected the pain to get worse once the adrenaline faded, so he hoped Harry wouldn’t kill them with his driving skills on the way. 

“C’mon.” Liam told him softly, putting his arm around Niall to walk him out of the kitchen, talking quietly to him, so no one else could hear, but they were all busy trying to comfort the crying children and hypothesizing about whether Niall would need stitches. “I’ll go in with you, if you want me to. Even if you do have to get stitches, they can numb the area and it’ll be fine.”

“Yeah… I’ve gotten stitches before, just… “ Niall took a deep breath, then he shook his head. “Please go in with me.”

“I will, no worries, Nialler. I’m here.” The older man promised, almost kissing the side of Niall’s head, but then he didn’t. 

The truth was, Liam felt really stressed out by this as well, not necessarily by the wound itself because he was certain Niall would be okay, just because it triggered a lot more memories than he would have thought.

\-----------------------

Niall did end up needing stiches, but he didn’t cry, for which he was very proud.

He almost held Liam’s hand, but settled for just holding onto his arm instead, staring down at where their skin met instead of at whatever the doctor was doing to his hand. It burned and it also hurt, but it was bearable, and Niall was not a baby. 

Upon walking out, Harry having gone to wait in the car once they had gotten called in to meet the doctor, Niall already felt a whole lot better. Still embarrassed over what had happened, but he was fairly certain Liam’s family would not think it was something to get embarrassed over. They were really nice people, giving Niall the feeling as if he belonged, and he would have never thought he’d ever get to experience anything like that, especially on a day like today.

So he was very grateful that Liam had asked him to come, that he was getting to experience this. It was nice to know that Liam had actually been allowed a nice childhood and life after what had happened to them. 

“Are you okay?” Liam asked, still sounding worried as he squeezed Niall’s shoulder.

“I’m good, yeah. I thought I’d pass out a few times, but it feels a ton better now.” Niall wasn’t even lying, right now his hand barely even hurt. Surely the pain would come back soon, but at least Niall wouldn’t have to look at the wound anymore and see all this blood. His clothes were full of it as well.

“I’m glad.” The older man told him very honestly, and Niall smiled at him, having to look away when Liam returned it though.

There were a lot of thoughts in Niall’s head as they stepped out of the hospital and onto the parking lot. It had gotten dark by now, and at first, Niall didn’t understand why Liam suddenly stopped walking, but then he looked up as well.

It was snowing.

“I didn’t think it would snow at all this year… “ Niall mumbled, staring for a moment, the snowflakes very visible in the bright street lights. It was cold outside, but not unbearably so.

“Me neither… “ The older man answered, still looking up and Niall shifted his gaze to stare at Liam instead, kinda without thinking about it.

He looked so very different from when they had been kids, obviously, but looking at him still brought back memories, after all this time. There was no denying that he was attractive, very much so, and Niall tried not to think about it most of the time, but it was hard when he was always right there. A lot of things about Liam got Niall feeling certain ways, even after such a short period of time, it was like… like they had never been apart in all those years, because of how easy it was to get to know their adults selves.

There was only one thing that had changed really, but it had dramatic effects on how Niall felt towards Liam, and the knowledge that he should have really kept all of this to himself and tried to suppress it was weighing heavily on his mind in that moment.

“You know… “ Liam started, swallowing before he looked down and Niall pretended as if he hadn’t been staring at him for what felt like minutes now. “Coming here kinda reminded me of something… you know when- when we were kids… “

“Me too.” Niall helped him out, so Liam wouldn’t have to put it into words. He had been thinking about it the moment they had stepped foot into the hospital and Liam had reassured him a hundred times that he would not leave his side when Niall had started to panic a bit.

He hadn’t, but out of the two times that Liam had brought Niall into a hospital, promising he would stay with him, he had only kept his promise this one time.

It was stupid, that this had had to happen tonight, on Christmas Eve of all days, that it had made them both remember the past, that one moment and day, where they had seen each other last.

If someone had told Niall back then, at 6 years old, that he would have to wait 18 years to see Liam again, he might have never stopped bawling his eyes out.

When they looked at each other, both falling quiet, Niall realized that as much as it hurt him, he could see in Liam’s face that this was hurting the man much more, that the guilt must have been eating at him, and though Niall definitely had never gotten over what had happened, he decided to pretend. Just for tonight.

So he went to wrap his arms around the older man, forcing his voice to sound somewhat happy as Liam hugged him back a bit too tightly, as if he was the one in need of support now. “It was a long time ago, we can’t change the past and- I’m just happy we found each other again… Merry Christmas, Li.”

Liam let out something that sounded like a laugh, but had probably come from the surprise of hearing Niall say those words. Niall could almost not believe them either, the last time he had wished anyone a Merry Christmas… he had also said it to Liam, after receiving a toy car from him, the first gift anyone had ever given him.

The older man held him tighter, his breath warm where it hit Niall’s skin.

“Merry Christmas, Nialler… “

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... and Merry Christmas to you guys, if you celebrate (but a happier one than Niams)! i hope everyone who does not celebrate will have a great week as well <3 
> 
> thank you so much for reading! i decided to split the christmas chapter in two after all, because i dont actually feel like its gonna be christmas soon, but once christmas is over its almost time to update again anyways, so this is what i settled on, i hope you liked it. i think its obvious that we are getting closer to finding out what REALLY happened when they were kids, which also means louis will become more relevant to the story again. i was kinda thinking of having there be something like a part two to this story, somewhere in the middle maybe, like i sometimes do with my fics, but im not sure yet. it will definitely got exciting again, i just really need niams relationship to be more solid first and i felt like zayn should somehow make an appearance again as well.
> 
> anyways, i hope you guys are healthy, and doing well, and that you can enjoy your holidays (or your week in general). im not so excited about christmas because there is always so much tension in my family and it gets exhausting, though i am grateful i get to celebrate with my family as i know many people are not and i am very sorry if that is the case for anyone here. i am very excited about the christmas presents i picked out for myself lmao! im really into kpop these days (dont worry, its been going on for a while, i will not stop writing niam for anything in the world) so im excited to unbox my bts album and thats the last thing im excited about this year haha.
> 
> i love you guys, thank you for the continued support over all these years, and to everyone who only stumbled across this fic and happens to be reading this, i appreciate every single one of you! and i hope i can still be here writing for years to come and that someone will want to read whatever the hell i come up with between midnight and 4 in the morning ha! 
> 
> merry christmas <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Physical Abuse & Mentions of Drug Abuse

The drive home was rather quiet, after they had stayed a bit too long in the parking lot hugging each other, it had eventually gotten weird. Normally it didn’t, but the realization that Harry was waiting for them in the car had struck them both at the same time. Plus, Niall felt strange after their whole hospital trip, also embarrassed, but more so just… different.

“Did you cry?” Harry asked jokingly and Niall almost hadn’t heard him because he had been busy staring out of the window though he couldn’t really see anything besides his own reflection. And Liam’s next to him.

“Why would I cry?” Niall tried to make it sound ridiculous, but his face turned hot. He had been pretty damn close. “They numbed the area anyways, I barely felt anything.” 

“It looked quite deep. Now that you’re all fixed I can say that, right?” Well, Niall hadn’t had the feeling as if it had been that deep, but counting the number of stitches he had gotten just now… then again, considering what had happened after, Niall had almost forgotten about his hand by now.

And he was WAY too aware of Liam sitting next to him in the backseat, where he had sat down for no reason at all, apparently.

“It’ll probably leave a scar, but I’ll live.” Niall shrugged it off, but he was careful not to move his hand too much. He really would not want the stitches to pop open, because then nothing would have been able to make him hold back his tears anymore. “… I hope I didn’t traumatize the kids though, I feel quite bad.”

“Nah, don’t worry about them, they’re fine. I once left on some pretty gross film when they were around and it made them cry way harder than seeing your blood. And they’re still doing somewhat alright.” Somewhat? “Besides, it wasn’t your fault. And a bit of action on Christmas Eve never hurt anybody.”

“I mean, it _did_ hurt me.” The younger boy tried to joke, and Harry actually laughed, but Liam remained silent, which caused Niall to swallow. “But thanks… “

“For what?” Harry seemed genuinely confused, but then a Christmas song came on and he turned up the volume so high that it almost hurt Niall’s ears. He had to admit though, he really preferred this over having to talk right now.

Especially with Liam being so quiet.

When they got back, everyone asked Niall a hundred times how he was doing, Harry’s mother offered him tons of cookies and whatnot, and though Niall felt embarrassed about it all, it almost made him feel that tiny bit better. The kids seemed to have calmed down too, and now they had lots of questions for Niall about it that he tried to answer in the most kid-friendly way possible. All while Harry’s sister was listening in, interrupting once it got a bit too detailed.

“Are you gonna manage with your hand?” Liam had not said a lot since they had gotten back, only the necessary, but he had stuck close to Niall’s side, sending mixed vibes. So was he upset or not?

“I think so, I’ll just, um, hold it up or something. I’ll be quick.” Niall added the last part, because he was the first one using the guest bathroom and Liam and Harry would have to go in after him.

For a second, Liam looked like he was about to say something else, then he nodded and went to rummage through his bag. Had Niall stayed a little longer, he was pretty sure he would have realized Liam wasn’t actually looking for anything at all.

He didn’t, though, because some things he felt no need of actually knowing. Especially when they would have only made him feel worse.

Somehow Niall managed to shower, change his clothes AND brush his teeth without getting his hand wet, but it still ended up hurting either way as the medication was wearing off. Niall was really trying hard to ignore it though.

The thought of sleeping in a bed this small with Liam was helping a bit to distract him, but once he was lying down playing on his phone with his good hand while the man was in the bathroom, the pain got a bit stronger than expected. 

Still, Niall was trying to just be normal, but no matter how many times he texted Louis and the man didn’t answer because he was probably out and drunk and possibly under the influence of a lot of other things, it did not help. Not even Niall’s worries about the police or about Louis in general seemed very important now.

“You alright?” Liam asked once he came back, closing the bedroom door behind himself. His hair was wet and he looked very soft in his normal sleeping attire, but Niall could barely look at him. 

“Yeah, I’m good.” Niall lied, trying his hardest to keep a straight face, because he just HAD had to move his hand in that moment by accident. “I was trying to text Louis, but… of course he’s not answering.”

“Do you think he’s gonna, like… do anything?” The older man asked carefully, and Niall shrugged. Of course he would do _something_ , which apparently was now their code for drugs, but there was nothing Liam could have done had he known about it. “But with the police already involved?”

“Louis isn’t exactly the person to think about consequences. Or the law.” Or sometimes about anything that could potentially end badly. “I guess he’ll be fine… I was kinda, um… I was somehow hoping that maybe Harry would get through to him. I know it’s a bit selfish to hope for that, but… it would have really done Louis good. And I tried too many times.”

“Harry said he’s hard to talk to when it gets serious… that he almost kicked him out when he told him I’m his cousin.” So he had told him after all? That would explain the distance Louis was suddenly keeping to Niall as well. “Apparently they are doing well though… maybe he did get through to him.”

“I highly doubt it. And I doubt Harry knows even half the story anyways, it seems like he wants to go on pretending he doesn’t really like Louis anyways.” At least THIS conversation was keeping Niall’s mind busy enough for now. “… it would probably be better if he didn’t. Not that I don’t want Louis to be happy, but I just… seeing your family and thinking about Louis ever being a part of it… I can’t imagine that.”

“Hmm.” Was all Liam made as he sat on the edge of the other side of the bed, and Niall kinda thought about going to the toilet just so he could shed a few tears there because of his hand feeling as if a knife was being slowly slid through the skin, again. “Maybe you should talk to Harry.”

“Louis would just straight up murder me. And then he might continue and just kill Will as well. And then you.” Honestly, the more often Niall said it, the more did he truly believe it was a possibility for Louis to really just snap and do it one day. “… maybe I could talk to Harry, if you talk to Louis.”

“Maybe we should call this off.” Liam decided with a laugh after a moment of silence, and Niall joined, but only for the split of a second. The older man must have realized his switch in mood, sadly. “… are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah… just- the medication is wearing off, but it’s alright. It’s like a paper cut.” Or 100 paper cuts in the same spot. “I’m fine.”

“I could ask if my aunt has-“

“No, no, it’s okay. Thanks.” Niall quickly cut him off, not needing his embarrassment to grow now before they’d be going to bed. Not that he’d be getting any sleep, but whatever. “… are _you_ okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Liam was pretending as if he had no idea.

“You’ve been a bit quiet since we got back… I was just wondering.” Niall was trying to give him an easy way out, so he could say he was just tired if he wanted to, but Liam just fell quiet yet again.

They were both half lying down on the bed now, with as much distance between them as the bed allowed with it being smaller than Liam’s. Niall had yet to decide if he thought it was a good thing or not, because he liked being close to Liam, he liked touching him and sleeping next to him.

But the thing was, he might have liked it a bit too much, and he felt weird about the fact that Liam might have chosen not to share a bed with him ever again had he known how it made Niall feel. It felt a bit like going behind his back.

“I’ve just being thinking a lot… because of what we- you know.” Liam shrugged a bit in the end and Niall nodded, staring at Liam’s profile without really noticing. “I just... it brought back a lot of memories.”

“… yeah.” Mostly bad ones, like, as far as Niall could still even remember them properly because of how young he had been. Also, his memory was most definitely very distorted as well.

Silence, yet again, in which Niall could only focus on the pulsing in his hand.

“We should really talk.” Liam said it again, for the tenth time or something, and yet they never ended up doing it. Why, Niall had no idea, he just knew that he felt like it would have not made a difference, it would not erase those years, it would not end with them getting along any better than they already were. If anything, the opposite would have happened.

Maybe Niall was scared of hearing something he didn’t wanna hear, maybe he was better off not knowing if Louis had been right about some things or not, maybe he really didn’t wanna have any reason to doubt Liam the tiniest bit. Niall really did not want to doubt him or the person he was today, but he was afraid that certain things would have subconsciously influenced him either way.

“My hand really hurts.” Niall blurted out in his desperation of trying to switch the topic before he’d have to, like, settle on a day and time to talk about it. “I can barely concentrate.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Liam had sat up immediately, his face a bit panicked, and just because, Niall didn’t try to calm him right now. “I’ll go and see if my aunt is still awake, or anyone, Harry would have to know as well if she had any pain killers.”

“But- you really don’t have to, I’m-“

“No chance, Nialler. I’ll be back in a second, okay?” He then reached over to ruffle Niall’s hair, and the boy kept pretending he wanted Liam to stay until he had literally left the room.

Anything at all so they wouldn’t get back to their original topic.

To be fair, Niall’s hand DID hurt really badly, and he actually couldn’t wait for Liam to get back. Sadly, once he did come back into the room, all he had with him was an ice pack from the freezer.

“Sorry, they don’t have anything in the house… maybe this will help to numb it a bit.” He sounded hopeful, and also guilty, and Niall wanted to groan in frustration, but he kept it together.

No idea if the ice pack made it better, it was just another kind of pain now to be holding it against his wrapped up palm while Liam was watching him like a hawk. Would they be spending all night like this now?

“We should sleep.” Niall suggested after a moment, because honestly, he just wanted to cry in silence and darkness right now. “I bet the kids get up super early to open their presents and-“

“Can you sleep with your hand like that?” Liam sounded very doubtful, and rightfully so, but Niall nodded. And then, he FORCED himself to yawn, just to convince Liam. “I’m not actually that tired, so if you can’t… “

“Okay… “ Shit.

Liam did end up turning off the lights, and the situation was still awkward because of before so Niall made sure to turn around, with his back towards Liam, trying to somehow find a comfortable position with the ice pack and his hand and everything in general.

It wasn’t working, so he simply gave up.

He could hear Liam breathing next to him, could almost hear his fingers on the touchscreen of his phone and though he had turned down the brightness of it, Niall saw the slight illumination because he hadn’t closed his eyes anyways.

This sucked.

The trip wasn’t as terrible as he had feared, not yet, at least, but Niall was afraid of tomorrow for some reason, and the thing with his hand was just… typical for him. He was also worried about any of his friends calling him tomorrow telling him Louis had either gotten himself killed or been arrested, and that Liam would at some point force him to talk about their past.

What if Niall really, truly, did not want to?

He knew what had happened, he had been there after all, and just thinking about that day again was almost causing him even more trauma. 

\-------------------------

_Niall did not feel good at all. In fact, he could not remember ever feeling any worse than this._

_He was cold and everything hurt and every day Liam kept telling him surely it would be better in the morning, and then it never was. Niall was not so good with time yet and though Liam had been teaching him a lot of things, they didn’t even have a clock or anything, so Niall wasn’t sure if it even existed outside train stations._

_It was a really terrible day, there was a lot of rain and though everyone said it wasn’t so cold, Niall felt as if he was freezing to death. He was wearing Liam’s hoodie every day and also a jacket over it when no one else wore one, but it wasn’t getting any better._

_They were very slow because Niall was too exhausted to walk and then a lot of the times Liam got punished for them not doing well and it only made Niall cry harder every day, even more so than being sick alone was making him cry at night._

_“Nialler… c’mon, just eat a bit.” Liam was trying to get him to eat, but Niall shook his head at him. They had only gotten one portion for a while now, sometimes none, and Niall wasn’t even hungry and Liam surely was, so he should have just eaten it all._

_“But I’m not hungry at all.” Niall kept claiming, and it was true._

_Liam didn’t give up, he made Niall eat a bit and though not much, but the boy felt like puking right after._

_“I’ll be right back, okay? Go lie down, I’ll be there in a moment.” Liam told Niall after everyone was going to bed, and he put their blanket over Niall, ruffling his hair a bit._

_Niall wanted him to not go, to stay with him and hold him so maybe he’d feel a bit better, enough that he could sleep, but he didn’t have the energy to hold the older boy back. Liam was gone for a little bit, Niall had no idea where he had gone to, but he might have also fallen asleep a couple times thinking about it._

_When Liam did come back to lie down with him, he only told Niall to close his eyes and to get some rest and though Niall thought it was impossible, having Liam there cuddling him somehow helped him to fall asleep._

_The next morning was weird._

_Niall did not feel any better, but also not that much worse, but Liam was still saying very strange things to him._

_“Okay, listen, Ni… you can stay here today, okay? I asked if I could stay too, but… they said you can only stay because you’ve been feeling bad for so long. And I’ll be back soon, okay? It’ll be fine.” Liam promised while everyone was getting ready, and Niall’s eyes were growing huge._

_“But- but… I don’t wanna be alone.” He had never been without Liam for a whole day since coming here, all ALONE, with just a few of the adults who usually stayed behind. “I don’t wanna be without you, Li.”_

_“I know, Ni, but you’re not going to get better if you always run around all day and- I’ll bring you something back, okay? A surprise. And it’s just a few hours, you can stay here, sleep a bit more and… it will help you to feel better.” He was smiling now, but it didn’t reach his eyes, and Niall wanted to cry. “You’re already 6, Ni, you’re a big kid. It’s just a few hours. Okay?”_

_“Okay… “ Niall whispered, though it was NOT okay, at all._

_Liam hugged him very tightly then, holding on for a long time, kissing the top of Niall’s head. “I love you, Nialler.”_

_“Love you too… “_

_As soon as everyone had left, Niall did cry, but only a little bit because he was afraid someone would notice. So he lied down wrapped in the blanket, trying to be comforted by the fact that maybe at least he’d feel better by the end of the day._

_He didn’t._

_Time was passing so slowly alone, Niall got yelled at a couple times for no reason, but nothing else happened. He played with his toy car in secret, but doing it alone wasn’t so much fun. Niall felt so lonely, and so, SO bored, and when no one had come to check on him in quite a while, Niall started to get curious._

_Liam had always told him it was rude to go through other people’s things, but yet they sometimes took things from the store without paying as well, and also, Niall wasn’t going to steal, he just wanted to LOOK._

_Most of the kids here didn’t have anything except their clothes, so going through their stuff was boring. When Niall got to Louis’ though, he got a lot more curious._

_Upon lifting his blanket, Niall heard a metal sound on the ground and it made him flinch before remembering the knife. The one Louis was always practicing with in secret and that Liam had gotten so angry over, so Niall was afraid to touch it._

_The only reason he HAD to touch it though was because he had to put it back where it was or Louis would have known someone had gone through his things. So Niall was being very careful, feeling bad because he had promised Liam not to touch it and then-_

_“What are you doing?” One of the adults had entered, and Niall flinched, turning around, with the knife hidden behind his back now._

_“Um- uh- nothing.” He lied, slowly moving away from Louis’ things. “I was, uh, really cold and-“_

_“What are you hiding behind your back?” The man asked in a very deep voice that gave Niall a shudder as he came closer. Oh no._

_“N-Nothing.” Niall lied again, panic rising in his chest as he looked around the room._

_He had nowhere to run to, Liam was not here yet, and this man looked like he wanted to hurt him. He reminded Niall a lot of his mother, suddenly._

_“Show it to me right now.” He demanded, but Niall didn’t, and it was a mistake. “You little shit, I said,_ show it to me! _”_

_Then he was yelling, and before Niall knew it, the man had grabbed his arm, twisting it around painfully and in the process got cut on the knife himself._

_“_ AH, fuck! _What the hell?! Why do you have a fucking knife?! You little- what were you planning, huh?! Is that why Liam asked if you could stay back? Did you two come up with some stupid plan to sneak up on someone?! Look at all this damn blood!” He was screaming and Niall started crying instantly, the sight of blood making his stomach turn._

_“N-No, I-I’m s-sorr-“_

_“And why the fuck would I believe that, huh?! Liam always takes your punishments, but that ends today! If you’re old enough to handle a fucking knife, you are old enough to handle the consequences of misbehaving!”_

_All Niall remembered from the next few minutes, possibly hours, was a lot of pain._

\---------------------

The memory had come very suddenly, enough to make Niall flinch terribly. For a moment there, as he had been about to drift off to sleep, it had felt very real, almost as if he had been back there.

His hurting hand had only intensified that feeling.

“Niall?” Liam asked quietly a second later, and Niall didn’t know how much time had passed since the man had turned off the lights, but he was still awake, so it couldn’t have been that long. “… are you still awake?”

He must have heard Niall moving very suddenly, and for a second, Niall wanted to just stay quiet, but there was no way he’d be able to keep still. “Yes… “

“… is everything okay?” The way he asked, it was obvious he knew everything was NOT okay, and no idea why, but the question instantly sent tears to Niall’s eyes.

It was all just too much, his stupid hand, the fact that it was Christmas and he was basically celebrating it with just strangers except Liam, that he didn’t know what Louis was up to and now this memory coming back to him in such a way… Niall couldn’t take it anymore in that moment. 

Well, maybe not just in that moment, but in general, to be quite honest.

Still, Liam couldn’t know that. “Y-Yes.”

There was silence following that, and Niall was almost relieved, but then he heard the man move, his voice quiet. “Are you- are you crying?”

This time, Niall didn’t bother lying, so he just stayed silent, tried to sniff as quietly as humanly possible. Which, turns out, wasn’t that quiet. 

When Niall felt Liam’s hand on his shoulder he just gave up and turned onto his back, staring up at the ceiling without seeing anything at all, feeling the wetness tripping down the sides of his face now, to his ears. It was anything but comfortable, but Niall was trying hard not to move his hand, so he couldn’t wipe the tears away.

“I’m sorry you got hurt… “ Liam mumbled, clearly not knowing what else to say or do except rubbing Niall’s arm now that the boy had turned over.

“It’s n-not that… “ Niall whispered back, having to clear his throat a bit. “But I- I don’t w-wanna talk about it… “

“Okay… we don’t have to.” The man gave in immediately, and Niall felt really bad for always making it so hard for Liam, for always leaving him in the dark about his own feelings and thoughts when Liam usually was up to talk about anything at all. “… is there anything I can do?”

No, there really was nothing he could have done. Well… except maybe… 

Niall thought about it for a moment, if he really wanted to live through that embarrassment or not, but then he decided he didn’t even care anymore, like… for what? What else was there to lose, what else could he have done that would have made this situation worse?

So Niall simply took it upon himself to get what he wanted by moving closer towards the other man, turning onto his side so he was facing Liam in the darkness. They weren’t touching, but almost, they were so close that Niall felt the warmth of Liam’s body and could hear his breath.

Luckily, he didn’t have to say anything for Liam to put his arm around him, rubbing his back and staying like this, without speaking another word.

It was somewhat comforting, and though Niall was still in pain and not feeling his best, his tears only stopping several minutes later, he did feel himself getting sleepy eventually. The last thing he could remember was Liam leaning down to kiss his cheek, so briefly that Niall wasn’t even sure if it had been real.

\----------------------

_Liam had been anxious all day long, and he had been going by himself today because of Niall staying back. It was a miracle that they had allowed for Niall to stay, but that also meant that everyone else had been noticing how sick he was as well._

_Which was not a good sign._

_Liam had been doing well, being motivated by the thought that the more he brought, the more likely the boss would be to allow Niall to stay back another day, and also, the sooner Liam would be reunited with him. It was making him nervous to be away from Niall for this long, it had never happened before, not in the past two years._

_Upon returning, Liam immediately started to hand over everything he had gotten, even money this time, and though his boss didn’t say a word, Liam could tell he was surprised judging from his silence alone._

_Deeply buried in Liam’s pocket was Niall’s surprise, it was just some candy, but the one he really liked and Liam had almost gotten caught stealing it._

_He was excited to see Niall, but also hoping he was asleep as he headed through the building. It seemed no one else was back yet, the place was quiet until Liam got closer to where they usually stayed and slept. Upon turning around a corner, Liam suddenly felt his blood freeze as he heard the crying and the screaming, that almost sounded like- and then he ran._

_The scene unfolding in front of Liam once he arrived was one he was sure he would never forget, burned into his mind to always stay there and remind him of what he had caused by wanting nothing more than to help._

_For a second or two, Liam only stared because he felt paralyzed watching the man hitting Niall, and Niall crying louder than ever before, and there was blood and Liam had no idea whose it was and all he could think was that, this man was going to kill him!_

_“STOP!” Liam yelled at the top of his lunges as he sprinted over, not thinking for even just a second._

_“Get back!” The man yelled at him, still having his hands on Niall, but the boy fell down once he let go in order to shove Liam away. “What have you two been planning, huh?!”_

_“Leave Niall alone! You’re killing him!” Liam didn’t know what to do, he kept looking from Niall’s bruised body back to the man, fighting his grip because he needed to help Niall, he needed to do SOMETHING!_

_“Maybe I will, and you’re next!” Niall was on the ground at this point, still crying and whimpering and then the man kicked him so hard that all noises abruptly stopped. No… No, this couldn’t be-_

_“WHAT DID YOU DO?!” Liam screamed, not even feeling the pain as the man twisted his arm, hard, trying to drag him off while Niall seemed lifeless on the ground. “He’s only SIX, h-he-“_

_“Oh, give me a fucking break! That six-year-old tried to stab me!” The mean yelled, pushing Liam back so hard that he immediately hit the ground as well. Underneath his hand, he felt he had fallen on top of something hard and he automatically held onto it._

_Louis’ knife._

_“Give that to me, RIGHT NOW!” The man seemed terrified for a moment, and Liam wasn’t thinking when he held the knife in front of him to stop the man from touching him again. “I _knew_ it! Where did you get that knife from?! What were you planning? I swear I will kill the both of you if you don’t speak up RIGHT _fucking_ now! Don’t think I’m gonna let you get help for that crybaby, you two can be lucky if you can walk after today! Ungrateful brats, I’m gonna make an example out of you once everyone’s back.”_

_He spat on the floor in front of Liam, and Liam was still holding the knife, for a second thinking about how easy it would have been, to jump up and stab that man right in his neck. A voice in his head told him that he shouldn’t do it, that the consequences would be even worse than not doing anything._

_He also knew though, that this man would not allow him to help Niall anytime soon, or ever, so Liam needed to do _something_._

_Sadly, there was only one thing that popped into his head._

_“It’s not my knife!” Liam almost cried out, and in his desperation, he let the knife fall. “Please! It’s not mine, I was only scared you’d hurt me, I don’t know why Niall was holding it, but he’s so little, he didn’t know any better, he-“_

_“Then whose is it, huh?! Speak!” The man screamed, picking the knife up immediately, and Liam hesitated, but only for a second. And he was ashamed of what he did then, but there was no other way to help Niall._

_“It’s Louis’!” Liam told him, and the man suddenly fell silent, and Liam knew he had believed him. There was no reason not to._

_“Louis, huh?! So he’s the one who was planning something? Looks like him, that boy is always up to something, trying to impress the boss and being up his ass… so what was he planning? Did he tell Niall to play sick so he could sneak up on someone?!” By now, Liam was crying, his eyes kept going back to Niall’s lifeless figure on the ground and he knew he was running out of time. “TALK!”_

_If he wanted to get away, he needed to do it right now, he needed to lie so well that this man would leave them be, both of them. And if it meant using his tears and desperation to support a lie, then Liam would. Because if he didn’t… he didn’t even wanna think about it._

_“Yes, he’s- Niall is so little, he does everything the older kids tell him, please, believe me, it’s not Niall’s fault, he didn’t do anything at all!” Liam begged, and no idea why, but once he had started, he just couldn’t stop himself and the words kept pouring out of his mouth, desperate to get the man on his side. “Louis made him do it, he showed Niall how to use a knife, he practices whenever we’re alone, he always talks about wanting to be the leader one day, that’s why he always wants me and Niall to go with him, we were really scared and-“_

_“Is that so? Then I think I’m gonna have a word with someone now. Stay put, you little traitor, or you will both regret it.” He told Liam harshly, but there was an evil grin on his face as he walked off, knife still clenched in his fist._

_Liam did not lose any time half stumbling over to Niall once they were alone, turning him around, shaking him, anything to get him to wake up. “Niall?! Niall, c’mon, p-please, I- I’m s-so s-sorry, I-“_

_“L-Li… “ The boy whimpered, and Liam could have cried from relief though the boy didn’t open his eyes. “H-Hurts… “_

_“I know, I know, I- I’ll make it stop, okay? I promise. Just PLEASE stay awake, please, Nialler, I- it’ll be okay, I’m here. I’m here, I got you.” Liam promised, his tears clouding his own vision and he was almost thankful it prevented him from seeing Niall’s bloody and messed up face._

_There was a way out through one of the windows, and Liam didn’t know how he did it while carrying Niall, maybe the adrenaline rushing through his body helped, he just knew he found himself running down the street as fast as his feet allowed him only seconds later._

_He was running out of time._

\----------------------

Liam woke up feeling panicked, and sick to his stomach, the feeling luckily fading once he realized where he was, that it was all good, that Niall was next to him, asleep.

They must have moved a lot in their sleep, the back of Niall’s head was now in front of Liam, and the man still had his arm draped around the boy, their bodies so close that whenever Liam breathed in, he almost breathed in Niall’s hair. 

Just because, Liam decided to stay this way for a bit longer. He had no idea how late it was, but the house sounded quiet so far and he had a feeling his nightmare had woken him earlier than planned. Then again, it hadn’t been a nightmare, it had actually taken place a long time ago.

Liam knew it had been triggered by last night’s events, he had had a hard time snapping out of his own thoughts afterwards and until they had gone to sleep. Niall had thankfully managed to fall asleep after all, but Liam had stayed awake a whole while longer, just thinking, worrying about the future and regretting the past.

If he thought about it this way, if he put himself in Louis’ shoes… he would have hated himself too.

For a while, Liam tried to fall back asleep, but it was somewhat hard and he gave up eventually. He also needed to use the bathroom, but not badly enough that he would have wanted to leave the position they were in. Once Niall woke up, he’d move away immediately like he always did, his face would turn red and he’d need a couple minutes to go back to normal.

It always happened whenever they ended up very close in their sleep, and it was highly amusing to Liam, but he would have never told the boy that.

Because it was Christmas Morning, Liam had already expected for the kids to get up super early and try to wake everyone, and they didn’t disappoint, because they never did. Then again, Liam’s aunt was also a morning person, so it was only a matter of time until everyone was awake anyways.

Still, Liam decided not to wake Niall himself, but rather to wait until the noise would either get too much, someone would knock on the door or Niall would wake up by himself.

To be fair, considering the time, the last one was pretty much impossible to happen. Liam was proven right a couple minutes later, when someone downstairs yelled, and he felt Niall flinch underneath his arm.

“Hmm… “ Niall made, not really moving that much though, and Liam thought he might have not actually woken up. “… what’s going on?”

“Just the kids.” Liam told him quietly, still keeping his arm around Niall. “You can sleep some more if you want.”

“Hmm… no… ‘m almost awake… “ The boy yawned quite loudly, and Liam was waiting for him to realize the position they were in.

“How’s your hand?” The man asked after a moment, and it was then that Niall seemed to really think about it.

“Hurts a bit.” He told Liam eventually, then he was quiet for a second before he started to move. Biting back a smile, Liam slowly retracted his arm from around Niall, deciding to be nice and to not make it awkward for him. 

The thing was, he knew Niall enjoyed sleeping close to him, he had initiated it himself last night even, so it was proof enough for Liam, if all those hugs hadn’t already been. It was okay if he needed time to get used to it.

They both stayed silent for a bit, Liam turned onto his back, staring at the ceiling though the room was still dark, the blinds only letting in so much light. Last night’s conversations were clearly still present in both their minds, and Liam also had his dream to think about.

Eventually, it was Niall who got out of bed first, almost falling over something judging by the sounds before he managed to get to the window, let in some light. “Wow… it really snowed all night. It looks really pretty.”

Liam propped himself up on his elbow so he could see as well and the boy stepped away as to not block his sight. He was right, it was really white outside, very Christmas-like and somehow it made Liam feel a bit better. Because the sight of Niall’s dark circles and his wrapped up hand definitely did none of that for him. 

Niall kept staring outside while Liam kept staring at him, and the moment kinda felt like forever until the boy tore his eyes away from the window and they both automatically started to get dressed, with their backs turned towards each other.

Liam couldn’t decide if there was tension between them or not, he just knew his dream, the memory, would be stuck in his head all day today and he hated every aspect of it.

How would he ever forget? How would he ever tell Niall all the parts of it, the ones Louis had definitely not been lying about? How would he ever tell Niall that it was possibly all Liam’s fault in the end?

Liam’s childish stupidity wasn’t really an excuse for ruining people’s lives after all. Especially when they had already been awful before he had messed with it all even more.

“Do you really not think it’s going to be weird?” Niall asked quietly as they were already going downstairs, and Liam made sure to reassure him that no one would care that he had no presents for anyone. How would have? He didn’t even know Liam’s family.

“Ni, the kids will draw all the attention to themselves and their new toys, it’ll be okay. I promise.” Liam wrapped an arm around him to calm him, but he wasn’t sure if it was working that well.

Everyone was already up by the time they joined, which was probably Niall’s nightmare, but Liam couldn’t have changed it if he had wanted to. At least it seemed to all come natural, them wishing each other Merry Christmas, and Liam exchanging his gifts with his family, the kids already having almost opened all of their presents.

They also had Christmas songs playing in the background, so it seemed that that took a lot of tension off of Niall as well because conversation was not needed all the time, and there was a smile on his face whenever Liam checked, so he tried to relax as well. 

When Liam felt like everyone was somewhat busy with themselves, he made sure to softly pull Niall aside. He had left Niall’s present under the tree on purpose, hadn’t written his name on it either so the boy wouldn’t notice and so no one would ask.

“Merry Christmas.” Liam told him when Niall looked at him in confusion, then his face fell a bit.

“Li, you- I thought we silently agreed not to gift each other anything.” He looked very embarrassed, and Liam felt bad, but at the same time, he could have just NOT gotten Niall anything, could he? Especially because he knew Niall never got any presents, maybe from his friends for his birthday, but Liam wouldn’t have known that.

Come to think of it, he actually had no idea when Niall’s birthday actually was.

“It’s really nothing special.” He promised quickly, to make the boy feel better, but he wasn’t sure if it worked. Also, it was a little bit special, and also Liam was suddenly afraid that he would only make the situation from last night even worse. 

“Thank you… “ Niall sounded very sincere when he said it while looking at Liam. Still, there was clearly a feeling of embarrassment left as he carefully went ahead to undo the wrapping, then he stayed quiet for a second. “Li, that’s… “

“I feel like I should explain.” Liam started once Niall was holding his present in his hands, and the man suddenly got a bit nervous. “I just got it because-“

“I know why…” The boy cut him off gently, his expression hard to read as he stared at the gift in his hands.

It really did not look special at all, and honestly, Liam had debated with himself whether he should have gotten Niall a present or not. For a while they had not even known if they’d spend Christmas together, and Liam had known that Niall would feel pressure to buy him something even though he barely had any money, and wasn’t really ever anywhere without Liam except at university.

Then, Liam had started to feel kind of nostalgic and that was when he had gotten the present, also because it had really just caught his eye, as if it had been meant to be, somehow.

It was a smallish snow globe, a golden “Merry Christmas” around the bottom part of it, and inside was a small, snowed in city, with a green car in the very middle of it. Because it had really not been expensive in any way, Liam had thought that, hopefullym Niall wouldn’t feel bad about it.

“You’re a bit old for toy cars.” Liam joked, though his throat kinda felt tight. “But I, uh… I’ve been keeping that car for years now and it definitely brought me a lot of luck, at least that’s what I like to believe. That it somehow- somehow brought us back together, and… I thought maybe this could be a reminder for you too, that, you know- that no matter what happens, or, like, what already happened, I’m always here for you. And this time it’s a promise that I’m gonna keep.”

“Thank you, Li… “ Niall whispered, and at first Liam wasn’t sure how to interpret the reaction, but Niall was hugging him faster than he could have even blinked. “It means a lot and- I feel really bad I didn’t get you anything, you’re always so nice to me and-“

“Nialler, the best gift for me is that you agreed to come here with me, and that you’re staying with me and that we somehow found each other again. I would have gotten you the snow globe even if it hadn’t been for Christmas. Okay? Don’t feel bad.” Liam hugged back tightly, ignoring that anyone could have been watching them. All those people who had no idea what any of this was about, or how they even knew each other in the first place. 

Not that it mattered, because in this moment, all that mattered was the two of them.

\----------------------

“So, what’s the meaning behind that?” Harry had let himself fall into the empty seat next to Niall when Liam had gotten up to take a phone call from his mother. 

“It’s, um… personal.” Niall explained, still staring at the snow globe. He should have gotten Liam something too, but… but what? And when? It would have never been this meaningful.

“Okay?” Harry laughed, clearly not knowing what to think of it, but Niall had no idea how to tell him. He also really didn’t want to. “How’s your hand doing?”

“Better than last night… a bit.” Now Niall was at least distracted and not just lying in bed feeling sorry for himself. “Are you and Liam not getting each other presents?”

“No, never. I’d have no idea what to get him.” That made two of them. “I think me being his cousin is a present for all year round.”

“Does he also think that?” Niall asked, laughing and Harry simply shrugged. Just because the mood was somewhat light, Niall decided to continue with what he had actually been wanting to know. “Have you heard anything from Louis?”

“Not since yesterday. Why?” He asked as if he knew something, but Niall only shrugged. It wasn’t his place to spill all of Louis’ problems to his maybe-boyfriend. “Do you think anything happened?”

“No, just… he does party kinda hard usually.” Understatement of the century. “I was just asking because… you know, ever since he found out I’m staying with Liam and everything… he’s been a bit distant with me. I don’t know if he said anything to you, but… he knows Liam and you are kinda of, related, right?”

“He does.” Harry confirmed, not really saying anything else though, he seemed to be weighing his words very carefully. “We don’t really ever talk about this. Actually, we… we don’t talk all that much in general.”

“Okay, I didn’t wanna know so many details.” Niall had heard them doing it, he didn’t need to now be reminded of it. On Christmas Day, out of all days. Not that it meant anything to him, but now that he was here, and after having received that present… maybe Christmas wasn’t all too terrible.

Only traumatizing.

“You asked.” Harry laughed, and fair enough, he HAD asked. “I think we can both agree that we would each have a lot more to say about a lot of things than the other should know?”

“I mean… “ Niall felt his face turning hot at that. “Possibly.”

“Me and Louis get along well, that’s all I really care about. And if Liam’s happy, then I’m happy too.” Okay, what was he implying here?

“What do you mean?” Niall just HAD to ask, because this was confusing, and hopefully Harry didn’t think they were a couple too, like his mother seemed to think? God, if she had seen them hugging before, it would have probably confirmed her theory.

“Nothing, just, he seems very happy that you’re staying with him and decided to come join us here. And I don’t know what went down between the two of you, but it seems you worked that out quite well.” Had they, though? 

“I mean… it was really long ago.” So long ago that Niall felt stupid about still being hung up over it, but he also doubted he’d ever be free of it. “We’ve, uh, not really talked about it either.”

“Well, some things just haunt you for the rest of your life if you never talk about or solve them.” Harry shrugged, and Niall felt a bit crushed by that statement. “But sometimes it’s also better to just let the past be the past. Especially if you were all kids then, from what I remember.”

“Yeah… it’s just… it’s complicated and I-“

“Uncle Harry, can you open this?” They were interrupted by Harry’s niece, asking him to unbox the music toy he had gotten her from the store Niall was working at.

That memory now felt so ridiculous that Niall almost wanted to laugh, instead he settled for watching Harry and trying not to let his eyes wander too much to where Liam was in the other room, talking to his mother. Or maybe his father as well, Niall wouldn’t have known, he also wasn’t sure if he wanted to.

He was thinking about the text message he had received from his own mother before, how it had said nothing but a simple _Merry Christmas!_ , as if he was just another number she had added to some generic message she had sent out to hundreds of people.

Knowing her, she probably, most definitely, had. They had not seen each other or spoken in years, there was the occasional, meaningless text message, but Niall had long given up on it. There was no point, and the really sad part was, sometimes Louis reminded him of her. Sometimes, it felt like Louis was his father, who he had never even met, and he had chosen his side over his mother’s, but they were actually dealing with the exact same struggles.

Only, Niall’s mother was in way deeper than Louis, and when Niall had seen her last, she had been drunk as usual and threatening him to take another overdose if he didn’t do what she wanted.

Apparently, him leaving seemed to have made her better though.

“Sorry, that was a long conversation.” Liam came back out of nowhere, Niall had almost forgotten he had even left at this point because he been busy trying to recreate and regret every decision he had ever made in his life.

Nothing new or special.

“It’s Christmas.” Was all Niall said, secretly happy when Liam sat on the armrest next to him, so close that their legs were brushing. 

“Yeah, well, she’s about to go into surgery.” Liam explained, then he quickly carried on as Niall’s eyes went bigger. “She’s a surgeon, sorry that was a bit vague.”

“Oh, right, sorry, I forgot.” And she had also chosen work over Liam. And Niall wondered if she had done that when he had been a child as well. “And your dad?”

“No idea. Maybe I’ll call him later.” He shrugged, seemingly not caring all too much. Somehow Niall had a feeling he did actually care a whole lot. “I was thinking of Facetiming Zayn, if you wanna j-“

“Oh, yes, please, nothing could make my day better.” Harry interrupted quickly and Liam rolled his eyes while Niall had to bite his lip. “Have you finally met Zayn, Niall?”

“Yeah, he was really nice.” Niall made sure to make it sound genuine, because it was true, but also because he could tell Liam was in a conflict about his two friends not liking each other.

“I bet he was.” Harry winked at him and Niall wasn’t sure how to react. “Probably excited to meet his only fan. Did you get an autograph?”

“No, but next time I could ask him if he could write one for you?” Niall suggested, deciding to just play along as well, but it seemed to not bother Harry in any way whatsoever.

“Thanks, I’ll be adding it to my collection then. Maybe he would even give me a shoutout in one of his videos? I mean, unless all those other people watching him are keeping him too busy already. All 2 of them.” He pretended to be all excited about it and Niall could sense that Liam was about to step in, but he was staying quiet so far. “Did you pass your exams you watched his videos for?”

“I don’t know yet.” Right, Niall had forgotten all about that somehow… “They really did help me to understand some important things though.”

“I didn’t doubt that. Zayn is just THAT great. A multi talent, that’s why he as so many jobs, not because he can’t settle for one thing or because he-“

“Okay, that’s enough for today. Let’s go on a walk.” Liam jumped up all of a sudden, pulling Niall with him and for a second, Harry looked like he would just tag along, but then he just laughed at them before focusing on his niece again.

It was really cold outside, but the sun was shining and the snow was really nice so Niall appreciated the fact that Harry had forced Liam to make the decision for them to leave the house. Only, Niall hadn’t had time to put the snow globe somewhere, so now he was playing with it in his pocket where he had buried his hand as well. 

“I think I might only call Zayn later, actually.” Liam told Niall after they had gotten done admiring the trees on the other side of the street. Liam’s car was completely snowed in as well, but it didn’t seem to bother him and they’d only be going home tomorrow anyways. “Or I’ll just text him.”

“Have you ever spent Christmas with him?” Niall asked, not even sure why though.

“Yeah, we went skiing once when his family was away over Christmas. It was… exhausting.” It sounded like it. “He’s usually very busy over the holidays. Or always, with all his jobs that are equally pointless according to Harry.”

“I still don’t know why he and Harry don’t get on. They are both really nice, and funny.” As far as Niall could judge, anyways. 

“I’m not sure if they even know it themselves.” Liam laughed briefly, kicking at some snow in his way. “Did you hear anything from Louis?”

“No… he’s probably sleeping.” As usual at this time of day. “I’ll call him later… or tomorrow.”

The older man nodded, but it seemed he was more nodding to himself than actually agreeing with Niall. Niall felt anxious, but he was trying not to think about his friend right now.

“Is your hand getting better?” Liam switched the topic, and Niall told him yes, even though it was a little bit of a lie. It was worth seeing Liam’s smile though. “I’m glad. It looked quite serious and I know it hurt a lot before you went to sleep.”

“Yeah… I’ll be fine though.” Did he have a choice?

They talked about random things them, the town they were in, where Liam had spent a few years of his childhood, the presents he had received, what he was hoping his aunt was planning on making for dinner and when Niall wanted to go back home tomorrow. 

It was a nice walk though Niall started to feel cold after a while. Had he had gloves on, he might have gone to touch the snow, playfully thrown a snowball at Liam just to see him laugh, but he was afraid his fingers might have fallen off had he tried. 

It was also quite slippery on the sidewalk, and as if Niall hadn’t embarrassed himself enough on this whole trip already, he also had to almost slip, only for Liam to grab onto his hand quickly to keep him from falling. 

“Careful.” He told Niall, not letting go right away though like the younger boy had expected. Actually, he suddenly held on tighter. “Your fingers are ice cold.”

“It’s winter.” Niall tried to defend himself, grateful that his skin was already red from the low temperature anyways. “Why are yours so warm?”

“Better blood circulation? I don’t know.” Liam laughed, but then somehow, he never ended up letting go of Niall’s hand. “We should probably head back, but I wanna show you one more thing.”

So that’s how they continued their walk, holding hands, and Niall appreciated the warmth and being close to Liam, but he also had some trouble coming to terms with it all for some reason. Sure, friends could hold hands and it was like, not a big deal at all.

Except, if it was not a big deal, why was Niall so damn sad once Liam let go? And why the fuck did he have to keep thinking about it for the rest of the day?

\------------------------

Niall was a bit glad to be back at Liam’s, though the trip had gone a lot better than expected. He still felt embarrassment over his hand and the fact that he had not gotten Liam a present when his own had been so sentimental and sweet as well as the fact that he almost ended up on top of the man the second night, but he decided not to analyze these things too much. Especially not the fact that his past had come to haunt him yet again.

There was no point, and Harry was right. Some things were better left in the past. Maybe he would tell Liam that, if he ever tried to urge him to speak about it again.

Niall also found himself wishing to be holding Liam’s hand again, but they didn’t. They spent the following days mostly inside because it was cold outside and Niall had to finish projects for university and Liam tried out some recipes, telling Niall how happy he was that he had someone to taste test everything. 

It was a really nice time, actually. Louis did end up texting Niall at some point, and Niall only ended up failing one exam that he could easily retake in January, so it seemed that maybe everything was going uphill. Even his hand was starting to hurt less with each day, and when he went back to work on Monday, the 28th of December, Niall was almost excited about getting his stiches out in the evening.

He would NOT cry like a baby, and he would also not make Liam hold his good hand, even though it sounded like a great idea to get what he secretly wanted.

Niall really needed to snap out of this though, his relationship to Liam had always been like brothers, at some point Liam had almost been like a dad to him, so this was like… messed up. In Niall’s head, at least. If he thought about it realistically though… it made a lot of sense.

Liam was good looking, he was the nicest and sweetest person Niall knew, he would have done anything for him, he was thoughtful, he was very caring and compassionate and- short, Liam was great, in every single way.

How could anyone have not been thinking about what it would have been like to date him? At least very deep down, carefully buried with other things and feelings.

No one could have blamed Niall for his daydreams, and no one knew about them anyways, so why would he have even spent a thought on it?

“I think we should probably switch. Can you even carry anything with your hand?” Niall’s coworker seemed a bit unsure about Niall volunteering to unpack the new delivery in the stock room. “Didn’t you say you cut it open with a knife?”

“Yeah, but that was, like, 4 days ago, I’m good.” More so, Niall wanted to work alone in the back, at his own pace, and not talk to people right now.

He had lots to think about.

“If you say so. Just call if you need me.” The girl shrugged before leaving and Niall wasn’t sure if it had been the smartest decision, but he would somehow make it work.

Niall was in the back for probably an hour or more, he didn’t get very far thinking about his life because he kept getting distracted with, well, his actual work that he was being paid for, so that sucked. He also wasn’t really watching the clock because he figured his coworker would come get him once she wanted to take her break.

She came for a different reason though.

“Uh, there’s some man out there who wants to talk to you.” She told Niall, which immediately confused him.

“Who?” Was it Louis? But why would he have come?

“No idea. He said it’s about a product he bought here. He didn’t tell me which one though.” Okay, well, that was calming. “I was gonna ask you if we could switch anyways, it’s so boring out front.”

“Yeah, alright.” Niall gave in, shrugging before walking out of the stock room and through the store.

He was stuck in thoughts, not thinking about the man so much now that he knew it was just a customer. Which was also why he almost froze on the spot upon actually seeing him.

“Hello, Niall.” 

“What are you doing here?” Niall’s mouth felt dry as he was staring at Will, actually looking rather normal for once. Friendly, almost. But he had always been good at concealing his true self from the world, he had always waited until they were alone to show his true colors. “You never even bought anything here.”

“If you had thought it was me, you would have probably not come, would you?” Fair enough.

“Why would I have thought it was you? I already forgot about you. And actually, I don’t have to talk to you right now either because you’re not a customer, so-“

“How do you know? Surely there are cameras around. What will your manager think if you just leave the store unattended and treat people like that?” Asshole. “Also, I’m happy to see you’re still your old cheeky self, baby.”

Niall clenched his jaw, trying to think of something smart to say, but he couldn’t, so he simply walked over to the register, standing there, not saying a word. Will couldn’t do anything to him in here, and Liam would be picking him up later, Niall had nothing to fear. 

“So you’re not gonna talk, NiNi?” Will asked him with a fake smile, mockingly using his old nickname.

“I have nothing to say to you.” Niall gave back, pretending to be looking something up on the computer. “I can’t stop you from being here, but if I think your presence is harassment, I am allowed to call the police.”

“Maybe while they are at it, they could make a stop at Louis’ place too. I think they didn’t really look that well the first time.” Will smirked and Niall felt his stomach twist, but he tried his best to ignore it.

It was Will’s thing, to make Niall upset by teasing him, but it was all just empty words and threats.

“What the hell do you want from me?” Niall finally asked, because this was getting ridiculous.

“You know…” Will started, stepping a bit closer to the counter. “I gotta say, I was really upset with you, and I was even more upset that you went behind my back and told Louis all these lies about me, but STILL I had a fight with him over you… and now, over the holidays, I felt a bit lonely. And I was thinking… I want you to move back in with me.”

“You’re kidding, right?” Niall snorted, thinking this was a damn joke, but his amusement was quickly gone once he realized what was actually going on. Will did not only want him to come back, he must have had a plan on how to achieve that. “Why the fuck would I come back to you? And why would you even WANT that?”

“I know we have our differences.” An understatement?! “But you’ve got something about you, Nialler, and I don’t like that you do, but it’s the truth. More than that, I hope you know that I never lose. Not to this new guy you’ve got, and definitely not to Louis.”

“So that’s what it’s about? You want me back so you can say you WON?” Probably, he was that type of guy, always in some imaginary competition with the world.

Sadly, he was also the kinda guy who enjoyed being in control, having power over someone. Niall had had to learn that the hard way.

“You can’t honestly think anything you say would convince me.” Niall said it with so much confidence because he was hoping Will was only bluffing, but the man’s smile only grew wider, then he came even closer to the counter, leaning in just a bit. 

“I think you might want to take that back in a moment, Nialler.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!!
> 
> sorry this is really late, i literally finished this chapter right at this second i am uploading it, i still had 0 words written 24 hours ago, i dont know whats wrong with me haha! but we made it again, yay! hope you enjoyed it and the fact that their past is lowly being unveiled! actually, almost all of it is, but there are still a few flashbacks left, one at least!
> 
> hope you all had a good christmas! i never know when the holidays are officially over, but either way, i just hope youre having a good time in life right now! and if you dont, i am not having a great time either, so youre definitely not alone. thank you for the sweet messages on the last chapter & for reading & i'll talk to you guys in the new year (or in the comments haha!), take care until then <3


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Mentions of past rape & abuse, psychological manipulation

A customer walked in before Will could say whatever he had been wanting to say, and Niall swallowed hard, trying to will his heart to slow down, for his body to stop breaking out into a sweat every time he met Will’s eyes on accident. 

The truth was, deep down, VERY deep down, Niall also had good memories with Will. It had not all been bad and traumatizing, especially not the beginning where he might have even stayed had he had money to afford his own food and possibly a place to sleep. No person was just black and white, and Will wasn’t either or Niall would have long run away before he actually had.

Right now though was not the time for him to remember any of that, right now he wanted to stay unimpressed and prepared to shrug off whatever the fuck Will would tell him in a moment, once the customer had gone far enough into the store so he wouldn’t hear them talking anymore.

Glancing at the clock on the computer, it would still be hours until Niall could go home, until Liam would come to pick him up and Niall tried not to think about him right now. Tried not to think about how much he wanted to text him to come here and get Will away from him.

He didn’t do it of course, because Niall could handle himself, he wasn’t a baby. Not anymore.

“Nothing you say is gonna convince me and I’m tired of all of this. We both know I didn’t lie to Louis, you did do all those things.” Niall was the one who spoke up first, in an attempt to sound confident, firm and fearless.

He was neither of these things. And he could also only handle saying these words while he wasn’t looking at the other man still behind the counter. 

Truth was, Niall was scared shitless.

“Are you gonna deny that you were into it? Or that you hit me back? Every single time?” The last part was true.

There had just been that day where a line had been crossed between them and there had been no going back from it. They had lost all respect for each other from that point on, and sadly, Niall had always pulled the shorter stick, because he was younger, weaker, and most of all, he had been dependent on Will’s mercy to let him stay.

At times he had even thought of apologizing for things he had never even done, because he had been so terrified of actually being kicked out. The only thing he had had going for him was that for some reason, Will seemed to actually have wanted him around, be it only to feel power over him, because Niall had been easy, so he had stopped complaining and telling him to stop once he had realized it was no use, that Will would never stop anyways.

It seemed that was also why Will was still here, even now.

“Look.” Will suddenly said, his voice changed, and Niall swallowed, but he kept his eyes on the screen. “I’m sorry.”

“What?” That had come as a surprise, Niall looked up by accident, confused to see the man’s smile gone, actually having been replaced with something else. Something he had never seen on Will’s face before.

“I’m sorry.” He repeated, then, licking his lips, he leaned a bit closer. “I made a lot of mistakes, I took you for granted.”

“It’s too late.” Niall told him, but he felt a bit dizzy, because what? He had not been expecting to ever get an apology, or even anything close to it. “I need you to leave, Will. Seriously.”

“I can’t.” The man insisted, and Niall wanted to be annoyed, he really did, but then he just kept quiet instead. “I feel terrible about what happened. I need you to forgive me.”

“And what if I don’t?” Niall asked back, his heart now beating even faster than before. “Why would I, anyway? Just so you’ll feel better? What about me?”

“This IS about you.” When their eyes met, Niall suddenly wasn’t even sure anymore if Will was being serious or not, he KNEW him, he knew how manipulative he was, but right now, he almost sounded… genuine?

No. Niall could not fall for this, not again. Not ever again.

“Just five seconds ago you told me you wanted me back just because you wanna win some imaginary game in your head, then you threatened to get the police to search Lou’s place again and _then_ ” Niall had to take a deep breath “you literally just tried to guilt trip me into moving back in with you when you KNOW that I will never agree. And what did you wanna say that was gonna change my mind, anyways? Because a simple apology is pretty weak, even for you. Besides, I don’t even believe that you _are_ sorry or feel terrible. I think you really enjoyed everything you did to me, and that is why you want me back. Because I was an easy target.”

Right after it was all out, Niall suddenly felt fear overcoming him, he should have not talked to Will that way, Will was dangerous, he was- … smiling?

“Damn, if I had my doubts if you were worth putting up that fight with Tommo, they are gone.” Great, was he turned on now?

“Okay, can you please just go?” Niall asked again, feeling a bit relieved that at least the man was not flipping out on him or threatening him. “I don’t wanna continue this conversation. And also, your fight with Louis has nothing to do with me, Lou is my best friend, I can tell him whatever the fuck I want. What he does with it is not my fault.”

“So, you’re not even feeling a little bit sorry about that fight, and that we both got hurt for you?” Will asked, and Niall could hear the smile in his voice even without looking.

“I’m sorry Louis got hurt. The whole fight is entirely your own fault, YOU were the one who started it.” He told the man, clicking around on the computer, quite aggressively, without really doing anything. “Seriously, you need to l-“

“I know who the guy you’re staying with is. Liam, right? The shrink who works at your university? And you know him from way back?” Jesus Christ.

“ _Leave_.” Was all Niall said to that, but his hands started to shake a bit. How much more did he know? And from who? Probably stories that had circulated in their shared friendship group. Also, he knew a whole deal about Niall’s and Louis’ past, it made sense that he was putting two and two together, Niall should have expected it.

“Are you fucking him?” What the fuck?

“No, we’re friends. Not that it’s any of your business.” Seriously. Also, fuck Niall’s body for betraying him like that, making him blush instantly.

“Oh, I see how it is. Sucks to love someone who doesn’t love you back, huh?” He said it in a way that had Niall seeing red from anger, but also embarrassment, until he looked up and their eyes met again. “I’d almost have pity for you, Nialler, but when it comes to breaking hearts, your track record isn’t the best either.”

“I didn’t break your fucking heart.” What the fuck was this conversation?!

“How do you know?” Will asked with a stupid smirk on his face.

“There’s nothing to break.” Niall spat back, glad when Will at least had the decency to move when the customer came to buy something. He seemed confused, but at least the transaction was over quickly. Sadly, that also meant that now, Niall and Will were all by themselves, with Niall’s coworker possibly listening to music in the stock room.

“Ouch.” The man tried to look sad, as if anyone was gonna fall for his act. Especially Niall, out of ALL people. “Are you gonna deny that you ever had any feelings for me, at all?”

“Yes.” The younger boy gave right back, because it was true. He had never loved Will, never would have fallen for him either, not considering how things had been between them, how he had treated Niall. “And you never had any for me either, or you wouldn’t have treated me the way you did. You would have stopped whenever I told you I wanted to stop and you- you would have never… never hit me or- tried to make me have sex with one of your friends or held me down when I-“

“Nialler.” He interrupted, getting Niall even more frustrated.

“What?” Could he not even fucking let Niall finish?! Not even NOW?!

“I’m sorry.” Will said it again, again with that fake-serious expression on his face. “I know it’s not an excuse but I- I was frustrated a lot, I knew you never liked me as much as I liked you, and I was going through a hard time in my personal life too.”

“Right.” What the hell?

“It’s true, I know you don’t wanna hear about it… “ True. “But I genuinely came to apologize, talk it out, because I do feel terrible. About all of it. I was drunk during a lot of it, I don’t even remember everything I did to you and also… the drugs- you know how it is. Louis is your best friend after all.”

“I’m not talking about that.” Suddenly, Niall was getting scared that Will was wearing a wire or something, to record him, hand it over to the police. Maybe, possibly, Niall was watching too many crime videos on YouTube whenever he couldn’t sleep or didn’t wanna study. “What are you on right now, anyways? Because you definitely took something to be talking like this.”

“I’m on nothing. Believe it or not, since that fight I had with Louis, I’ve not touched any alcohol. Or drugs. I’m clean.” Probably because he was scared of the police. 

“So? Congratulations, you’ve been clean for not even a month then.” Niall tried to stay hard, not feel sorry, not feel ANYTHING. “Also, why would I care? You came in here with the most cocky grin, and you were literally about to threaten me to move back in with you, and-“

“I wasn’t, I… “ He shook his head, still sounding very serious, and Niall almost believed him when he took a theatrical break, as if he was genuinely feeling remorse for it all. “It’s not easy for me to- yes, you’re right. I came here with the intention to convince you, and I started off the wrong way. I’m not used to… to being honest. About my feelings.”

Niall stayed quiet, he wanted Will to leave, but he also wanted to leave himself. Run outside, away from this situation, no matter the consequences. He stayed though, because he also felt a bit unable to move.

“Now that I’m looking at you and after I had time to reflect, think it all through… I realized how much I really hurt you. And I am truly sorry, and you never have to believe or forgive me, but it’s the truth, and I wanted you to know. I dropped all charges against Louis, I told the police I made it all up, about him dealing with drugs, and that you had anything to do with it. That’s why Louis faced no consequences, and why they never questioned you.”

“Just before you said maybe the police should stop by Louis’ place again to-“

“God damn it, Niall.” He shut him up instantly, and Niall flinched, reminded of all the times Will had yelled at him, and what that had entailed. “Sorry, I- I’m frustrated. I know I was in the wrong, okay? I know. I said all those things before because I thought I could somehow- I wanted to sound tough and not be weak in front of you, I- I was nervous about coming here. I rehearsed what I was gonna say, okay? There, now I said it. I have feelings too.”

“Could’ve fooled me… “ Niall whispered as he looked down at his own fingers, not knowing what to say anymore. There was only one thing on his mind, and before he said it, he knew it was a mistake, but he couldn’t stop himself. “… Will, you… you fucking raped me.”

There was silence hanging between them, a thick cloud that threatened to choke Niall, and he was expecting anything at all, yelling, cursing, but surely not what he got.

“I know.” The man admitted, sounding just as regretful as before, and then he let out a huge sigh, running his fingers through his hair and rubbing his face. “I know I can never make it up to you.” 

“If you’re truly sorry, if you really meant all of that, then… leave. Do what I ask you, just this one time, and leave me alone.” Niall was half begging now, he could tell he wasn’t going to be able to stay firm much longer. Talking about this, with Will, was not easy for Niall, it had taken up a huge chunk of his life after all, a significant one.

Will seemed to think about it for a moment, then he suddenly pushed away from the counter. “Okay. I’m gonna leave, but I gotta say one more thing.”

Niall wanted to almost groan in frustration, but instead, he kept quiet, pretended as if he hadn’t ever heard a thing.

“Louis was my friend for a really long time, I regret what happened between us, and I know he hates me now, but also… he’s not doing well. He’s spiraling, his whole life is- if he’s still your best friend, you need to do something, anything. I’m thinking about going to therapy and staying clean. I thought about talking to Louis, but from what I heard… it’s not a good time. But you could talk to him, and I think you really should.” 

Then there was silence, and Niall was very surprised to hear that this last thing Will had wanted to say, had been about Louis. Turns out, he was a bit wrong.

“Also… I know you, Niall. We lived together for a long time, you told me a lot about you, your past, everything. I know you wanna turn your life around, graduate, get a good job, your own place, and I hope you get all of that, I really do. I also know you’re scared and I… with my behavior, I know I added onto whatever you are already carrying from your past. And I am truly sorry. No matter what you decide, if you ever talk to me again, forgive me or not, just- let me say this, without you getting upset with me.”

Jesus Christ, could he ever shut up and just-

“I know you always thought you needed someone to lean on, guide you, and neither me nor Louis could ever really do that. But you are strong, Niall, you can do this on your own. So don’t get wrapped up in whatever you have going on with Liam, don’t let it distract you from what you really want, don’t become dependent on someone yet again. I don’t know what he did when you were kids, it doesn’t really matter, but I can tell he was important to you. And that he still is. And I know you are quick to forgive, and that what you always wanted was for someone to be there for you, someone who treats you right and takes care of you and… you deserve that. But if this thing between the two of you is one-sided, it is going to end up hurting you even more. I don’t know if he can give you what you really want, I don’t know him, I’m just- I hope this will end well. I really do.” 

“I don’t need to hear any this from you, of all people… “ Niall mumbled after a moment of silence, but his throat felt tighter than ever before. 

“Got it.” And then he was gone, just as quickly as he had showed up here. Almost as if it had all been a bad dream.

Niall truly wished it could have been one.

\-------------------------

“Alright, that looks like it healed nicely… “ The doctor seemed pleased with Niall’s hand, and Liam felt relieved.

He had been nervous about it because Niall had looked a bit off when he had picked him up from work. Liam had let him be, thinking the boy had surely been scared about getting his stitches out, and Liam wasn’t blaming him. It had taken longer than he would have thought, and had looked more painful, too.

Niall had sat through it without batting an eye though, and Liam had no idea how he had managed to do that considering the state he had been getting those stitches in the first place.

“Make sure to be careful, don’t get the wound wet, if it starts bleeding you should come back. Otherwise I’ll see you again in two weeks.” That was nice to hear, Niall thanked him briefly, his voice sounding a bit empty, but Liam thought he was imaging it. 

They were out of the hospital a couple minutes later, Niall sporting a fresh bandage, but his mood seemed unchanged for some reason.

“You okay?” Liam asked, trying to sound casual as he slowly slung his arm around the boy’s shoulders, half expecting him to slip away, but he didn’t.

“Yeah, it was fine, hurt less than I thought … thanks for taking me.” Niall told him, quickly carrying on before Liam could tell him not to worry about it. “Sorry, I’m really tired from work, I’m not used to it anymore.”

“Don’t apologize, I get it. I felt bad for you all day.” It was true, here Liam had been at home, on a paid vacation, while Niall had been working all day trying to make some money when that store barely paid him minimum wage. “I made food, if you’re hungry.”

“Starving, actually.” Niall replied, and then he threw Liam a smile, which helped the older man to relax a bit.

They talked normally on the way home, just about random things like they usually did, and Liam started to think he had made Niall’s mood swing up in his head, or that it had really been the anxiety from the doctor’s visit, or his tiredness from work.

Ever since they had gotten back from Liam’s aunt’s house, things had been really good between them, actually. Better than before, as if they had somehow grown closer, and Liam was really enjoying it, the little routines they had fallen back into, making living together so damn easy as if they had always been doing it. 

Liam was truly hoping that it would stay this way, and he had no idea how, but he was also hoping that whatever was going on with Louis, and seemingly also Harry now, would somehow resolve itself, because he was really not sure what to do about any of it.

Plus, Niall was his priority, and that was not going to change.

After eating together, they did the dishes as usual, and it was then that Niall suddenly spoke up, after they had been quiet for a bit, only the tap water filling the silence.

“You know… “ The boy started, clearing his throat a bit. “Umm… Will showed up at work today.”

“I- wait what?” Liam almost dropped the plate he had been holding, staring at Niall, but the boy was focusing on drying the forks. “What did he say? Did he do anything, did he-“

“No, he didn’t do anything, just… “ He sighed, and Liam’s confusion only grew, but there was also panic rising inside of him. “He apologized.”

“What?” Had Liam heard right?

“Yeah, he… at first he was, like… really rude and- like he usually is. But then he claimed he’s sober now and that he dropped the charges against Louis and told the police he lied and that he only ever did what he did to me because he was going through a hard time or some shit- it was weird. It kinda… threw me off a bit.” Then he shrugged, continuing to dry the dishes, and Liam waited, and waited, but Niall said no more.

“Did you…” Liam started, weighing his words a bit then. This was a sensitive topic and they both knew it. “Do you think he meant it?” 

“No idea… he’s, uh, very manipulative. Always was.” Niall mumbled, then, he added something else, more quietly this time. “He asked me to move back in with him… as if he seriously thought I would.”

“Why?” Liam asked, because honestly… he did not know Will, did not know exactly what relationship Niall had had to him, if it… if it maybe had been deeper than he had thought. The thought was unsettling. 

“Because he can’t stand to lose, I suppose.” Was all the younger boy said, his voice sounding a bit harder now, less fragile, somehow. Suddenly, he laughed, but it sounded rather dark instead of amused. “He said I broke his heart.”

Liam stayed silent, not really knowing what to say in that moment. 

“Anyways, sorry if I was really weird after work… that was why.” Niall finished, apparently done talking about it, and Liam would have loved to push him, ask questions, but he knew that Niall wouldn’t have wanted him to. He was always like this, saying things and then not wanting elaborate. 

“Why are you apologizing?” Seriously, it had not been his fault, at all. “You’re allowed to be upset, Nialler.”

“I know, just… “ The boy shrugged then, and Liam hesitated for a moment before reaching out, putting his hand on Niall’s arm.

“Ni. Look at me.” He told him gently, waiting until the boy did what he had asked. “Are you okay? Do you want to talk about it more or-“

“No, I really don’t, Li. I’m fine, I just… it was unexpected and… yeah. I just wanted to tell you about it, but I don’t wanna talk about it anymore. I mean… this is good, right? He dropped the charges and everything, took it all back… he even said sorry. As if that is gonna change anything.” Niall laughed briefly, but the laugh got stuck in his throat. “Anyways… I guess I’m kinda glad it happened.”

“Yeah?” Liam asked, hopeful that he meant it, although he wasn’t sure he himself felt happy about it as well.

That piece of shit was lucky Liam hadn’t been there.

“At least now I know he’s not plotting anything behind our backs or trying to still get Louis in trouble. Not that he couldn’t still be, but… he sounded somewhat serious.” Niall shrugged, waiting another moment, and before Liam could have asked more questions, he was quick to change the topic. “Are there any cookies left? The ones you made yesterday?”

“I think so, I’ll check.” So that was that.

The rest of the night went by as usual, and Niall was being more lively again, almost as if the conversation had never even happened, so Liam tried to relax as well.

The truth was, he felt anxious, not knowing what to do with that information of Will showing up so randomly, apologizing and… for what? It was obvious Niall had not told Liam everything, which was fair enough, it wasn’t any of Liam’s business, even if he wanted it to be.

It was also obvious that it had affected Niall in many ways, that he had been thinking about it all day and that he maybe, possibly, truly believed that Will was sorry. And maybe he was, Liam didn’t know the man, didn’t know what had happened, but judging by what Niall had been telling him, whatever Will had done was unforgiveable, and he should have not even gotten to apologize. He should have been in jail for it.

Liam was just hoping that Niall agreed with him on that, because he wasn’t so sure anymore after this conversation.

It was a bit of a comfort, when the younger boy ended up sleeping almost on top of Liam that night, while Liam was lying awake yet again, thinking about how they would ever resolve this mess. 

Sometimes he felt like whenever there seemed to be a way out of it, they were only digging themselves in even deeper.

\---------------------

No idea what had possessed Niall to say yes to this, or what had made Liam consider it in the first place, but it looked like they were truly going to Zayn’s New Year’s party that the man had invited them both to, literally the day before.

Not that Niall didn’t know how to party, quite the opposite, he just hadn’t expected Liam to ever do anything like that. Plus, if he had been quite honest, which he hadn’t been at all, he would have preferred had they just stayed home, just the two of them.

Then again, Niall knew it would have been a bad idea. Just like it was a bad idea for him to sleep in Liam’s bed every night, or to have left out a significant chunk of the conversation he had had with Will just a couple days ago.

He had considered telling Liam all of it, every last detail, had fought with himself about it for hours, only to have ended up telling him the minimum amount necessary after he had spoken up. Somehow, Niall had been afraid of Liam judging him secretly for the way he felt about all of it, which was ridiculous, but… 

How could anyone have ever understood how Niall truly felt? When they all only knew bits and pieces of his life, his feelings? Even Louis. He had not been there those 13 years before they had bumped into each other again, or when Niall had been living with Will. And Liam… a different story, of course, but he knew Niall even less than Louis did. 

Out of the 3 men, it made Niall shudder to think that Will probably knew him best.

It was a thought that came to him in the middle of last night, with Liam asleep and Niall unable to. Did he think Will had been truly honest with him, that he was really sorry for it all as much as he claimed? No. But had there been truth in his words, especially at the end. Louis was in deep trouble and Niall was about to get himself head over heels into trouble himself if he kept staring at Liam the way he did. 

Louis had been there for Niall, always, but he was unreliable and sometimes it felt like he needed Niall’s help more than the other way around, even if he would have been denying it always. Niall trusted Liam to be there for him as well, keep his promise this time, but the past was still unspoken between them and Niall knew he was a child in Liam’s eyes. In both their eyes. 

Will, on the other hand… as much pain as he had brought Niall, he had been there for him in ways none of the other two ever would have. He had taught Niall a lot, had made him stronger though it had of course not been his intention. It seemed though, that he truly did have feelings for Niall, for whatever reason and though it was SO fucking wrong, Niall wasn’t mad about it.

Somehow it felt nice, knowing that somewhere in this world, to even just a single person, Niall was more than a burden and more than a little brother. More than somebody who needed to be pitied, somebody who needed guidance and couldn’t handle shit on his own.

But what the fuck was Niall going to do with this knowledge? Will had still taken advantage of him in the worst ways possible and abused him, Louis had obvious drug problems and Liam really just wanted to help, possibly make up for the guilt he was feeling from all those years ago.

Somewhere in the middle of it, Niall felt stuck. 

“I’m starting to think this was a mistake.” Liam finally voiced his concerns while they were still in his car, but about to get out.

“It was your idea.” Niall told him, laughing. He felt weird with the whole car smelling of the older man’s cologne.

“I thought you wanted to go.” Now Liam sounded confused, even more so when Niall shrugged.

“Zayn’s your friend, not mine. I only met him once.” He reminded Liam, who sighed in return. “I wouldn’t have minded if we had stayed home, but I also don’t mind being here.”

“Why didn’t you say that before?” Liam almost whined and Niall laughed at him. He liked that they had grown so much closer this way, that he could be so much more comfortable around the older man, as if they had been doing this for years. 

Especially after what had happened during Christmas, Niall had been slightly afraid that things would get weird, especially for him, but turned out he was actually quite good at ignoring whatever feelings he felt emerging for the older man.

Maybe if he only tried hard enough, he could push them away, and never think about Will’s words ever again.

“Because if I had, we would have stayed home. And I thought maybe you wanted to hang out with your friends.” Maybe Niall was a bit desperate to get Liam to hang out with people that weren’t him, not because he wanted to spend time without Liam, but because he was a little bit afraid of them growing sick of each other.

Well… only of Liam growing sick of HIM, to be perfectly clear. There was NO way Liam would have spent all this time during his vacation alone and at home had Niall not been living with him, he was clearly missing out on things for the younger boy.

“Friend.” Liam corrected him absently, pulling the key out of the car. “I only know Zayn, his YouTuber friends and whoever else he invited are strangers to me as well.”

“So if I recognize someone I don’t have to hold back?” Niall joked, and Liam lifted his eyebrows, but then he laughed.

“Is that why you dressed up like that?” It sounded like a joke, but Niall suddenly felt a bit defensive. 

“I didn’t even dress up at all.” Seriously.

“You spent like an hour on your hair.” The older man argued, and yeah, THAT part was true, but like… Niall hadn’t done it for complete strangers, and though he knew Liam was joking… why was he implying it, anyways? 

“Whatever, can we just go in now?” Niall interrupted the conversation, trying not to sound butthurt over the comment. He wasn’t, not really, it’s just… if he HAD tried to look alright, he would have only done it for Liam.

Maybe so he could see for once that Niall wasn’t a little boy anymore.

“I was only joking.” Liam told him softly when they were walking towards the building, and Niall relaxed a bit when the older’s hand found the small of his back. 

“I know.” Niall lied, flashing him a grin. “Besides, I was only trying to be nice because everyone is gonna question why I dressed up when you didn’t.” 

“I- Niall!” Liam pretended to be really hurt by the comment, but Niall never apologized for it, he knew it was all fun anyways.

Zayn’s place was huge, nicely decorated as well, and now Niall really did not understand anymore why Harry was always making fun of Zayn for his many jobs. Clearly, they were all paying pretty well, so he must have been good at what he was doing. Or maybe that was exactly what upset Harry?

Either way, Niall didn’t really spend much thought on it.

“Hey, guys! Glad you made it.” Zayn came over immediately though the place was already packed, and it was really loud as well, and Niall felt a bit as if he had stumbled right into one of Louis’ parties.

Except, the people looked more civil, the place was 100 times nicer, and Niall doubted that anybody here would end up doing cocaine in the bathroom. But what did he know, anyways?

“Are you drunk already?” Liam asked after Zayn had gone to hug both of them, maybe a bit too over enthusiastically.

“Can I not be happy you decided to actually show up to one of my parties? Thanks, Niall.” He seemed to think Niall had convinced him or something, but before either of them could have corrected him, Zayn was already talking again. “C’mon, I’ll introduce you to a couple of people. I think you already met some of them, Li.”

It was nice, Niall decided. 

Zayn’s friends seemed normal, friendly, and he did end up recognizing two of them from Social Media, but he didn’t mention it. He wasn’t like, a fanboy or whatever, but he was a university student and sometimes unable to sleep during the nights, so there was that.

Liam was somehow different with strangers. He was really good at talking to them, cracking jokes, and not that he wasn’t normally, but judging by how he seemed to really not have that many friends or be so happy in crowds, Niall hadn’t really expected it. Then again, talking to strangers was Liam’s job, so maybe he should have expected it after all.

The older man did not have even a sip of alcohol, and Niall held back at first, but he ended up drinking a little bit in the end, after Zayn had offered enough times. It was fine though, Niall had it under complete control and he really only did it to socialize.

He made sure to stick to Liam’s side at all times, and he mostly talked with him and sometimes Zayn or a few of his friends, so Niall wasn’t all too sure how he ended up alone with one of Zayn’s friends that he had actually recognized. Niall was also a bit drunk by this point though, and Liam must have gone to the bathroom or something.

“What do you do again?” The other man asked, and he was really nice, actually, so Niall didn’t mind talking to him. Besides, he had had his fair share of awkward party conversations, so this was actually one of the nicer encounters.

“I’m still at uni. But I work at this store that sells music supplies.” Niall shrugged, taking another sip from his glass, deciding to ask then, even though he already knew the answer. “You?”

“Just Social Media stuff, not exciting.” Very humble, Niall almost laughed, but then he held back. “Sooo… you’re like… a friend of Zayn’s friend?”

“Yeah.” Niall confirmed, because that was what Zayn had introduced him as before. Besides, it was true, right? Him and Liam were… friends. As weird as that sounded, considering their past and the fact that Niall slept in his bed every single night.

He only had one bed though, and his couch kinda sucked, so that was what Niall told himself made him go back every night. That, and the fact that it would have been weird to randomly stop.

“Do you have your own place?” The other boy asked, and Niall was taken aback despite the fact that he was slightly tipsy, and his opposite was quick to continue. “Just wondering ‘cos you’re a student and all. I used to live in the dorms, that’s why.”

“Oh.” Niall made, clearing his throat, emptying his glass. “I’m actually living with Liam right now. Zayn’s friend. Umm… my old roommate and I got in an argument, so....”

“Right. Sorry ‘bout that.” It sounded forced. “… do you want another drink?”

So they stuck together for a while, Niall had more to drink without really thinking about it, and he simply answered the other man’s questions, pretending as if he didn’t notice that he was flirting the entire time. Or trying to, at least.

Niall had no interest, and even if he had had, with his living situation and the fact that he literally had a crush on the man who saw him as his little brother, it would have never worked anyways.

Plus, there was this other detail that Niall only found out about after it felt like they had been talking for at least an hour.

“And then I- oh shit.” The other man suddenly made, gulping, and Niall was confused, but he was also drunk by that point. Where the fuck had Liam disappeared to, anyways?

“What?” Niall asked, bringing his glass back to his lips, not really all that concerned.

“I literally just saw my dealer walk through the door.” Suddenly, he seemed to panic. “Wait, forget I said that. He USED to be my dealer, I’m clean now… unless you’re into that sort of thing.”

“What?” Niall was confused, and he turned around kind of automatically, almost dropping his glass straight on the floor. “Shit.”

“What? Is he also your dealer?” Why was he sounding hopeful?!

“No, I- “ Niall’s drunk mind wasn’t really allowing him to come up with a good excuse for his reaction. Or why he had to hide all of a sudden. “Kind of. I have to go.”

“Wait, I’m coming!” The other man seemed also desperate to get away and out of sight, and Niall didn’t care in that moment as he pushed through the crowd of people.

If Louis and Liam bumped into each other here, Niall would be dead.

They hid near the bathrooms, Zayn’s place was that huge, and Niall still hadn’t found Liam, and he had also not seen Zayn in quite a while if he thought about it. What the fuck was even going on here? Who had invited Louis?!

Then again, Louis knew a shit ton of people, some of them could know Zayn, and if there was a party going on of this size… why was Niall even surprised.

As the other man tried to make conversation again, brush off what had happened, Niall realized the situation was even worse than he had initially thought.

“Oh, sorry, I was- Niall?” Harry. 

Niall almost spilled his drink a second time when Harry had bumped into him, and a third when he recognized the other man.

“Ah, THAT was your name!” The boy who had been trying to flirt with Niall made, significantly drunk at this point as well. What the fuck?

“Who is that?” Harry asked, quite confused. “And why are you-“

“Come with me.” Niall panicked, so he grabbed Harry’s wrist, pulled him away from this boy and from the bathrooms, from where he had seen Louis last, in a somewhat quiet corner. Something told him it was about to be midnight as well. 

“What’s going on? How much have you been drinking, by the way?” THAT was what he cared about?!

“Why are you here?!” Niall could not do this, he could not have himself, Harry, Liam AND Louis in the same apartment. Plus, Zayn, who Harry could apparently not stand.

“Louis dragged me along, I actually had work to do but he-“

“This is Zayn’s apartment.” The younger boy interrupted, because he had quickly figured out that Harry must have had no idea. His face fell instantly.

“Oh shit.” Indeed. “I had no idea… Zayn and Louis probably have mutual friends. Where is Liam?”

“No idea, I lost him a while ago.” Niall admitted, quickly emptying his glass, because he truly needed it now. “You have to leave. And take Louis with you.”

“I have no idea where he is, I really had to use the bathroom.” Great. They were kind of yelling at each other over the music as well by this point, and Niall was starting to feel really dizzy. “Are you okay?”

“No.” Niall gave back honestly, because HOW could he have been okay?! “If they run into each oth-“

“They are adults, Louis said he doesn’t really care for Liam much anymore, it’ll be fine. I just hope Zayn doesn’t see me.” A valid worry, but Niall didn’t exactly share it. He felt like puking on the floor. “… you should probably sit down. Have some water.”

“I’m fine.” Also, Niall needed another drink.

“Just now you said you weren’t.” Harry reminded him, and Niall only stared at him, reaching out to support himself with a hand against the wall. All those drinks were really kicking in now, why had he done that?

Right, because it had always been Niall’s natural reaction to stress and uncertainty, just get shitfaced and regret it all later. He would have liked to blame this on Louis, say that he had taught him that coping mechanism, but matter of the fact was that they had met this way 5 years ago as well. At a party where Niall had been desperate to numb himself, and Louis had been trying to sell his shit to some college and high school students.

In the end, he had only given Niall free drugs after they had reconnected on Social Media and Niall had come over and ended up bawling his eyes out over the past in Louis’ disgusting bathroom. He had also almost jumped off of Louis’ balcony that night, but that was a story he had sworn to himself he would take to the grave.

“Louis probably sold drugs to half the people here.” Niall blurted out, and Harry’s face suddenly got harder. The younger man was too drunk to really think about it. 

“Maybe he sold some to Zayn as well.” Harry gave back rather dryly, and Niall almost laughed. Almost.

“Impossible. They don’t know each other, Zayn was with Liam that night Louis insulted him in front of the bar.” Right, now THAT memory did make Niall laughed. He was also maybe very drunk.

“Right.” Was all Harry said, then he slowly grabbed a hold of Niall’s arm. “This whole story is getting a bit confusing for me, and I think you should really-“

“Do you know why Louis hates Liam?” Niall heard himself ask all of a sudden, and the words didn’t even seem to be coming from his own mouth. Was he even here?

Harry said nothing, but he also did not try to stop Niall, he just stared, silent, while everything else around them was moving way too fast for Niall’s drunk mind.

“He ratted him out, when we were kids. He told them Louis had a knife and was trying to kill them. And then he ran away. And they almost killed Louis, I wasn’t there, but he said they beat him every night, tried to drown him one time, while he was sleeping. That’s why he almost always goes to bed high, because he’s afraid.” Niall couldn’t stop talking, it all just came out, like it was nothing. “Liam never came back for me either, he promised he would, he brought me to hospital, I was really sick and- he disappeared. I don’t know where he went, or why. I had no idea where I even was, he just left me there.”

“Niall… “ Harry blinked a few times, shaking his head, his voice sounded softer now, but Niall could barely concentrate anymore. “You shouldn’t be telling me any of this. And we should get out of here, you’re really drunk.”

“Just a bit. I’m good, see, I can-“

“Don’t.” Harry had a firm hand around his arm, that he then slipped around Niall’s waist for support. “C’mon.”

Niall couldn’t remember how they made it to the front door, but there were just so many damn people in here, and even as they sat in the staircase outside with the music and voices drowned out, Niall could still hear them. His head was buzzing.

“Here. It’s water.” Harry held a glass in front of him that Niall couldn’t remember him even getting on their way out. 

“I’m f-“

“Drink.” He ordered, firmer this time, and Niall did, but only after rolling his eyes. He couldn’t feel his lips after, or his hands, so he was grateful when Harry took the glass away from his fingers. 

“Fuck… “ Niall muttered, putting his head in his hands on his knees. He was afraid he’d pass out any second, but he also couldn’t bring himself to care. “Louis and Liam… what if they-“

“Don’t worry about them. I’ll try to reach Liam, he should take you home… “ Harry sounded as if he was talking to himself, and Niall saw him scrolling on his phone as he lifted his head.

In that moment, Niall felt his own phone vibrating.

Harry was busy, and Niall needed several tries to fumble out his phone out of his own pocket, his fingers still feeling numb as he tried to focus on the screen long enough to read the message he had received.

_Will 23:39  
I thought of waiting to text you until midnight, but it felt a bit cliché. I promise I will leave you alone from now on, but there is one thing I couldn’t tell you when I was the store and it’s been bugging me… I love you, Niall. And I am sorry for it all, and I just hope that you will be happy one day. Take care._

“That fucking idiot… “ Harry was cursing next to Niall, then he suddenly sounded panicked. “I- why are you crying?! Are you o-“

Wordlessly, Niall held his phone screen towards Harry, no idea why, but he was fucking wasted and the message had sent tears to his eyes instantly. 

“Wait… Will?! The one who put Louis in hospital?” The other man sounded confused, but also desperate, and Niall only nodded his head. This was truly too much, could this not be a dream, could he not just wake up right now and have this end?! “I genuinely thought you were into Liam.”

That statement alone was enough to send Niall into a REAL crying fit. 

“Shit, no, I didn’t mean to- Niall, I’m sorry, I- _fuck_ can this fucking piece of shit not pick up his phone ONCE in his entire li-“

Before Harry got done cursing Liam out even more while awkwardly petting Niall’s back as the boy was crying his eyes out next to him though he wasn’t really sure why in that moment, things got even worse.

Or maybe, they actually got saved, and Niall was too drunk to realize it.

“Okay, I really am not drunk enough for this night.”

It was Zayn, who had just come out of his own front door, apparently, staring right at them, and no idea why, but it was what finally pushed Niall to throw up whatever he had been holding back for at least an hour now.

Harry moved away instantly, and Niall got it on his shoes because it wasn’t much, but otherwise, it mostly ruined the stairs. And it also only got him crying harder in the end.

He wanted Liam here, not Harry and Zayn. Out of all people in this whole universe, why did it have to be them?! And both at once as well.

“Care to explain?” Zayn sounded very reserved, not at all shocked, and honestly, neither did Harry anymore once a few seconds had passed and Niall had somewhat calmed down. Now he truly felt like passing out, maybe crying a bit more, but not as desperately as before.

“It seems we have mutual friends.” Harry told him in the end, now back to petting Niall’s back. “I had no idea it’s your apartment, I’m sorry.” 

“The drug dealer is your friend?” Zayn spat back, and there was silence following that and Niall kinda wanted to throw up again. His eyes were so teary, he could barely see anything at all. “He’s inside fighting with Liam, I couldn’t take it anymore, I needed some air. They are going at it like two psychopaths, no idea how they know each other. And who the fuck is Will?”

“Wha-“

“I don’t think you even wanna know. Fucking great.” Harry cut Niall off, sounding very frustrated. “Look, I… I’m sorry, Z. I had no idea. Until tonight, I didn’t even know that he- can we, just for tonight, pretend we don’t hate each other?”

“I don’t hate you.” Zayn sounded surprised, and Niall was waiting for his turn to speak, but they seemed to have forgotten he was there. “But agreed.”

“Thanks.” The other man straightened up then. “I’ll take Niall to my place, can you handle things with Liam? And not let him go home tonight? I’m afraid he’s gonna end up doing something really stupid.”

“But I-“

“I’ll try my best.” Again, Niall got cut off and ignored. “What about your friend?”

“I’m not sure if he’s my friend.” Was all Harry said, then he tried to get Niall to get up with him. “C’mon, let’s go.”

“But Liam, I want-“

“You’re drunk out of your mind, and Liam is fine. I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be in the middle of this tonight.” Harry explained slowly, pulling until Niall eventually got up, almost falling into him. “Fuck, you smell like- let’s go. Sorry about that mess.”

“Not your fault.” Was the last thing Harry heard Zayn say before the other man dragged him to the elevator.

Niall tried his best to resist, to tell Harry that he could not, under any circumstance, go home with him, that he needed to get to LIAM, and Liam only, but the moment he was in Harry’s car, Niall decided to give up because the window seemed like a really great place to rest his head.

He also wished he didn’t know who Will was. Or Louis. Or Liam. For just one night, at least.

\---------------------------

Niall felt so bad when he woke up, he genuinely thought he had died. It would have been for the better, maybe. Probably. 

Slowly, he was coming to his senses, blinking against bright light, sheets underneath him that felt a bit too hard, different than Liam’s bed. Not that it mattered, because Niall’s head was about to nearly kill him as he slowly moved, tried to remember what had happened, where he was and why he was sleeping in a stranger’s bed.

It all came crushing down the moment he heard a voice.

“Are you gonna throw up?” Harry asked, sounding worried, and Niall groaned, putting an arm over his eyes.

It would have definitely been better had he died.

“No… “ Niall brought out, his throat feeling dry, his mouth tasting like shit and his head as if someone had drilled twenty holes into it while he had been sleeping. “Harry… “

“I’m here. Take it slow. You look terrible.” Surprise. 

“I’m… I’m sorry.” It felt important to say, because even though Niall could not remember all of last night, he knew enough. And any other day, he would have panicked not knowing what was going on, knowing Liam and Louis had gotten into a fight, that he had no idea what had even happened and then Will texting him he loved him out of nowhere… but today, Niall really did not care.

He had truly cared way too much about shit in his life, he deserved a break.

“It’s fine, you only puked on your own shoes. I’m sure you’re not the only one either, it’s Zayn’s fault for inviting a thousand people, anyway.” The mattress dipped a bit as Harry sat down, Niall kept his arm across his eyes, trying to focus on just breathing right now. 

“I didn’t mean that… “ He whispered. He should have probably apologized to Zayn too. Then again…

“You have nothing to apologize to me for.” Harry told him, and it sounded as if he truly meant it, too. “Last night was a disaster, but it wasn’t your fault.”

“What… what happened?” Did Niall really wanna know? 

“… how much do you remember?” The other man asked after a moment of silence, his voice quiet, careful.

It still caused Niall’s head to hurt more with every word he spoke.

“I got drunk… Louis showed up, you showed up… I told you about Louis dealing and his past, which he will kill me for… we went outside… Will said he loves me… and then Zayn… I puked, Louis and Liam probably killed each other… “ Was there more? Maybe, but it was enough.

“So… all of it.” Harry concluded, then he sighed, as if he had hoped for a different answer. “… What’s really going on with this Will? It seems he’s essential to whatever has been happening lately.”

“Louis’ friend… as you know.” Niall cleared his throat, and it burned like a knife in his throat. He was too tired and exhausted to keep secrets anymore. “I used to live with him, for a really long time, I think I already told you that… we had a thing. Sex. Whatever. He, um… did a lot of things to me and… eventually I had enough. I packed my shit and… I went to Liam for help. That’s how I ended up staying with him first… it’s a long story… but apparently now he’s in love with me and wants me back… I don’t even know anymore… ”

“Okay. You don’t have to tell me the rest of it.” Thank god.

There was even more silence, Niall was about to ask again what had happened last night after they had left, but he felt too weak and he kinda just wanted to fall back asleep, but luckily Harry told him anyways.

“I really didn’t wanna be the one to tell you, but Louis and Liam beat each other up last night.” Fuck- “But don’t worry, they are both fine. Honestly, I feel like they deserved it anyways, probably equally as much.”

Maybe he was right. Maybe Niall just wanted to not care anymore. 

“Nothing else happened, I only know because Zayn texted me this morning.” So it was not morning anymore now, Niall should have figured. Did it even still matter? “Niall… “

“Huh?” Niall made, not knowing what he could possibly ask right now. Was all of this not enough already?

“Is it true? What you said last night? About Louis and Liam?” Oh.

Niall wanted to deny it, say he had been drunk, but… for what? Also, Harry kind of deserved the truth, he had been dragged into this mess now, just like Zayn, and Niall knew Louis would have never been honest with Harry, no matter how close they were, or weren’t. Who even knew?

“Yeah… it wasn’t my place to tell you, and I can’t stop you, but… asking Louis about this will end with him pushing you away, I can promise you that.” And Niall along with him. “As for Liam… I never got his side of the story, and I don’t remember half of it… I was only 6 as well.”

“Do you think that… that I should try to talk to Louis? I don’t know, I- I mean… we don’t talk about serious things much. I’ve had lots of suspicions, I know he takes- but I never realized how serious it all was. I wish I could help.” He sounded devastated, and Niall felt bad, but on the other hand… it was kinda nice, to know someone else cared about Louis as well.

Maybe Harry could get through to him, even though Niall had no idea how.

“I’m not sure if anyone could really help him, he doesn’t wanna hear it. We had a thousand fights over it… “ Niall mumbled, then he slowly let his arm slip behind his head, trying to get used to the lights above him. “I shouldn’t have told you… “

“You were drunk.” Harry reminded him, which was true, but… 

“Still… thank you for helping me.” Niall truly meant it, he and Harry hadn’t had a whole lot to do with each other, despite the fact that they had even spent Christmas together. He had probably done it more for Liam anyways, but that didn’t matter right now. 

“You don’t have to thank me.” Harry insisted before they fell into more silence.

This was terrible, the worst possible outcome, and yet Niall felt calm, somehow. There was nothing he could have done to change last night, him getting drunk had not caused any of this to happen, and maybe, just maybe, he was a bit glad he had not gotten in the middle of the fight.

He had always known that Louis and Liam would eventually bump into each other, in a setting that was not a hospital, with Louis being injured, and that they would not greet each other like old friends. He had just been hoping that they would be mature enough to not handle this with their fists, Liam especially.

“You really like Liam, don’t you?” Harry broke the silence, and it came as a surprise, and Niall felt his face heating up instantly. “You don’t have to answer, it’s a bit obvious.”

Niall stayed quiet, swallowing.

“Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure he’s oblivious to it.” A relief. “Anyway, it’s none of my business. You should probably eat something, I saved you some food from my breakfast.”

Harry’s place was really nice, kinda small, but really nice. And Niall felt bad for being here, for the older man helping him, for having been dragged into this mess. Not by Niall, but still. 

Niall’s head was still killing him by the time he was sitting in Harry’s kitchen, in a pair of his sweatpants, and eating the food Harry had made while Harry was just sitting opposite him, staring out of the window.

There was a lot to say, but luckily Harry was not the type of person to fill silence with words, and Niall was not the type of person to talk a lot when he was hungover. Plus… he had said enough last night, had he not? He would spend forever regretting it.

“Are you upset with Liam because of what happened when you were kids?” Was the only question Harry asked, still looking out of the window while Niall was staring into his plate.

“Not anymore.” Niall told him, and it was the truth. 

Maybe Liam was right though, they should have talked it all out long ago. Almost exactly two months ago when Niall had been in his office, but time seemed to have flown by, and now Niall was sitting here, and they had somehow gotten themselves into the worst situation ever.

He kinda wanted to forget about it, just never talk about it again, with any of them, honestly. That was also why it took Niall so long to check his phone after he had eaten most of the food Harry had given him, and drank all the water the man had put on the table for him.

His battery was almost dead by this point, which really was no surprise at all because Niall had never charged his phone before the party, but he almost felt relief over it now. Relief that that meant that he had an excuse as to why he wouldn’t have to text anyone back right now, even if Harry would have probably offered him a charger had he asked.

_Liam 02:23  
I am so sorry, Nialler. I don’t even know where to start and I guess Harry will fill you in in the morning… we really need to talk. Please. Please don’t be upset. I hope you’re okay. x_

_Lou 03:01  
No idea what Liam’s told you, but I could have easily taken him down. I only spared him for your sake.   
Lou 03:03  
Also, his friend is a dick. And can you convince Harry to text me? I don’t wanna look desperate (not that I am, just think it’s a bit rude he left without telling me)_

_Unknown Number 03:15  
This is Zayn, Liam’s asleep so I got your number from his phone. I hope you’re alright after what happened, and don’t worry, Liam is fine. And so is your friend. I know you’re probably beating yourself up over it all, but none of it was your fault, they are both idiots. but they both seem to care a lot about you. Also, I’m sending you the costs for the cleaner in a separate text. Kidding._

_Mom 05:12  
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!_

_Will 08:13  
Hey… sorry about last night. I know you don’t want me to fight for you, so I won’t. But I would. If you ever wanna talk…just text me._

Niall really did not want to ask Harry for a charger though, so he watched his phone turn off two seconds after reading the last message.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello :)
> 
> i wanted to apologize for this chapter, but i also really enjoyed writing it, it only took 5 hours because i felt like i was in a flow state haha. i wasnt really feeling romance or fluff this week, i am sorry, things have been weird! i also didnt feel like making will just evil, but i also dont want to give off wrong impressions of excusing his behavior, but there will be more on that soon! my main goal is really to focus on nialls inner conflict because i live for all that drama haha
> 
> there will be more cutesy fluffy scenes, i promise! i was just really not in the headspace
> 
> hope you enjoyed the chapter!!! ill talk to you guys soon, thank you for all the comments and the support!!! :) <3 have a great week!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: (non explicit) Mentions of physical abuse & neglect

“So… “ Liam started, shifting the ice pack against his forehead, not knowing where to start, or whether he should have even bothered to say anything at all. 

“So?” Zayn repeated, not paying him much attention.

He was beyond pissed, Liam knew it, even without the other man pretty much showing him with every word from his mouth, every movement of his body. Rightfully so.

It was way past midnight, the apartment was now quiet and empty except for the two of them. It was completely trashed as well, people had forgotten their things, had broken shit, and it had only been a couple minutes after the last person had walked out, telling Zayn he should at least make a story time video for his YouTube channel out of this.

Liam wouldn’t have blamed him.

“I’m sorry.” The man tried, but it sounded fake.

He wasn’t sorry at all, they both knew it all too well.

Louis was the one who had started it, he had been drinking, but it had been Liam’s fault for going with it, when he had been completely sober, and knowing the man’s temper on top of it. Maybe not anymore from first hand experience, but from what Niall had been telling him…

Fuck, Niall. What was Liam going to say to him? How would he ever explain this? Or thank Harry for taking care of the boy, taking him home and keeping him from having to get in the middle of this?

Because he would have had he been here still, there was not a doubt in Liam’s mind.

“I need a cigarette.” Was all Zayn had to say to that, and he left Liam sitting on one of the barstools in his kitchen to walk out onto the balcony.

The door had still been opened, to get rid of the smell in here, but so far there had been no use.

Liam’s body was aching. Louis was strong, he had to give him that, he wasn’t sure how things would have ended had there not been so many people pulling them apart, getting Louis to leave. Zayn had thrown everyone out shortly after that, so they had all pretty much missed the New Year’s countdown and the minutes after as well.

Some people, Liam was sure, had enjoyed themselves more than they would have without starting the new year getting to see two strangers trying to strangle each other.

Zayn was not one of them, clearly.

Liam followed his friend outside reluctantly, knowing his presence was really not wanted, but what was he going to do? It was freezing, but he decided to ignore it as he leaned against the doorframe, watching Zayn’s back for a moment as he leaned against the railing, smoking.

“Your hair’s getting pretty long.” Of course, only the stupidest shit could leave Liam’s mouth right now.

“And?” Zayn sounded annoyed. Understandable. “Maybe you should just cut it.”

“What? Your hair?” Okay, what was he-

“No, the bullshit.” Oh. “What the fuck?”

“I told you I’m sorry, he just-“

“I don’t care about this person, whatever his name was. He’s an ass, we’ve already known that. Or was he not the one who was shouting at you in the streets, that one night?” So Zayn did remember that.

“I mean, yeah, but-“

“He was also _clearly_ already drunk. So why the fuck would you get into an argument like that? And over what? Niall? Look, I don’t know what’s even going on, or who the fuck Will is and what happened when you were all kids, but this is insane. You’re an adult.” Coming from Zayn, the words hit even harder.

He was usually not the one to put Liam in his place like that, he was very laid back, acting a lot less mature than, for example, Harry did. Right now, Liam might have preferred had his cousin stayed here, too.

“It’s not my fault that he threw a fucking vase at my head, what was I supposed to do? Just stand there?” Seriously, Louis had LOST his mind. If there had even been any left of it to begin with.

“He only threw it after you started to insult him back. Besides, you know this guy, and he looked ready to rip your throat out if he had had to. What did you do to him?” What?!

“What did _I_ do?! The shit he’s angry at me for happened when I was 11! He wasn’t always the best friend either back then, and also, he-“

“Are we really doing this now? You trying to talk yourself out of it? I never said you’re at fault, but this guy clearly has a lot of issues and built up anger, and I just wanna know why you had to let it escalate at my fucking place. On New Year’s Eve?” A valid question.

“It wasn’t exactly my choice.” Liam told him, clenching his jaw a bit. He wanted to call Niall, but if he believed Zayn’s words, the boy was completely shitfaced and probably asleep on Harry’s couch. Or his bed, Harry would probably take the couch if he had to.

At least that was a little bit of comfort, if anything.

“Was it not?” Zayn asked, still pissed off as he flicked his cigarette down the balcony, apparently not caring what it would hit and Liam bit his lip, trying not to tell him off. Not now. “For a psychologist, you’re really fucking bad at dealing with your own problems.”

“Good thing it’s my job to deal with other people’s problems, then.” Liam gave back as his friend rushed past him, back inside. “Zayn-“

“What?” Zayn snapped, starting to collect trash, and Liam should have probably helped, but he still had blood all over his hands and his shirt and was holding an ice pack to his head. “Just go to sleep or something, I need to clean this up before the smell gets stuck.”

“I’ll help y-“

“No, I don’t need your blood over everything in here too, thanks.” Then, he hesitated for a second. “You could go clean up Niall’s puke in the hallway, though. Before my neighbors see it.”

“His- what?” Jesus Christ. “He puked in the hallw-“

“Yeah. But you wouldn’t know, because you left him with one of my friends for god knows what reason.” About that…

“I thought it would be good for him to meet some new people without me. Make normal friends.” Seriously, Liam hadn’t wanted to stay away, but he had thought it’d be nice for Niall to maybe expand his friendship circle to people who weren’t on drugs. So that hadn’t really worked out so well, and he had spent the night wishing he could have spent it with the younger boy while all Niall had done was getting smashed and throwing up in the hallway.

Great.

“Why do you even care?” Zayn had almost sounded accusingly.

“Because he got smashed and threw up in my hallway, and me and _Harry_ , out of all people in this world, had to make sure the two of you don’t die, while that psychopath of a drug dealer trashed my place. I’m never inviting you to a party ever again.” Good, not like Liam would have come. 

Zayn had every right to be angry, and Liam had to accept it at some point, so he did what he had been told. He almost puked as well having to clean up the vomit in the hallway, but at the same time, he felt bad for various other reasons.

Texting Niall now would have been pointless, he was probably asleep or too drunk to even comprehend the text. Also, what would Liam have said, anyway? He just hoped Louis was having the same thoughts as him, was somehow acting rationally even though he hadn’t just a bit ago.

Hopefully he was just too drunk to type then.

Liam made sure to wash his hands, rid them of the blood and patch up the wounds with Zayn’s first aid kid, that the man almost threw at his head, before being allowed to actually help him clean up the apartment. He could have also just gone home, but for what? He couldn’t have slept, and he felt guilty.

For the lies, keeping all these secrets, for the fight, for what he had done to Louis, and Niall, for having this happen at Zayn’s place, for dragging him and Harry into this mess. Liam was a terrible person, if he really thought about it.

“Are you still mad?” Liam tried after they had somewhat cleaned everything, and Zayn was walking around his place spraying cologne everywhere. It only made it worse, really, but Liam bit his lip.

“It’s been like, an hour.” Right. “I’ll be pissed for weeks, just so you know. What are you gonna tell Niall about this?”

“The truth?” What else? Lying was pointless. Besides, Niall already knew what was going on.

“So you don’t keep shit from him like you do from your all your friends? Good to know.” It was a low blow, but Zayn was right. “How’d he earn that privilege?”

The thing was, he never pushed Liam to tell him anything, not really, respected his privacy, always, maybe to a point where sometimes Liam thought he didn’t care all that much. He had a lot going on in his life after all, as did Harry, and Liam tended to keep things bottled up. So really, it was not coming as a surprise to him now that Zayn had had it with him.

He had not even known that Niall had been the person with Louis that night in front of the bar, because Liam had never told him. Just like he hadn’t told him a lot of things.

To be fair, he also wouldn’t have told Harry, but Harry had gotten himself involved into this mess by getting involved with Louis and… Liam still felt bad, nevertheless.

Also, right now, he felt defeated, too.

He hesitated, but only for a moment, before letting out a sigh, deciding that it was too late to keep it in at this point. Zayn was one of the two best friends he had, if he didn’t tell him now, then when? 

“… what do you wanna know, then?”

It clearly surprised the man, and for a second, Liam thought he would just tell him that he didn’t wanna know anything at all, he could see Zayn thinking about it, studying his face, probably trying to figure out if he meant it.

Liam really did mean it.

He talked a lot over the course of the next hour, about everything. The past, the present, about Louis, Will (of course sparing parts that were not his to tell), and Niall. And about himself, too, even though that part was a lot harder to get out than expected.

By the end of it, Zayn was clearly considering whether he was still mad, but Liam asked him not to comment on any of it right now, because he didn’t need advice at this time, it just felt kind of good to have talked it off his chest. For once.

So he relished in that feeling for a bit longer, and maybe it was the lightness in his chest helping him to fall asleep on Zayn’s couch a while later, but it was probably more the fact that his body was exhausted from having Louis try to literally murder him.

Then again, Liam had always kinda known shit would hit the fan the moment they ran into each other again, so why act surprised? 

\-----------------------

“Do you need a charger? It’s over there.” Harry pointed at the corner of the living room, and Niall followed his gaze, but then he shook his head slowly.

“Thanks. I’m good.” He had 0 words to say, to any of these people. Not right now. “I should probably leave, I don’t wanna keep you from-“

“From what? I’m not doing anything.” It was true, Harry was staring out of the window still, as if he was deep in thoughts, with nowhere to be. It was the first of January, and a Friday, so Niall assumed the man had today as well as the next two days off of work. “You can stay, I don’t mind.”

“But… we barely know each other and… “ And what? Did it matter?

“We spent Christmas together.” Harry threw in, turning his head to look at Niall, then he shrugged. “Of course you are free to go, I’m just saying, I don’t mind it. Besides… do you have anywhere to go, except Liam’s place?”

“Uh… the university library.” Right, Niall was pathetic, he had almost forgotten. 

Harry let out something like a laugh. “Just stay, it’s fine. I understand you don’t wanna talk to Liam right now. I don’t feel like talking to Louis either.”

Did that mean they didn’t have to talk? Because Niall would have really liked that, and he knew Harry was not the kinda person to actually be quiet and not ask a million questions, but it seemed that after what had happened… he had changed his mind about that. At least for now.

So that’s what they did, nothing.

They sat there for a while longer, in silence, and when Niall had had enough, he got up to wash the dishes from his breakfast. He felt more comfortable being here now, because it was true, they HAD celebrated Christmas with each other, and Harry seemed to be really passive all of a sudden as well. Niall felt like he should have addressed it, but it took him quite a while to actually do so.

“Did, uh… “ He started, clearing his throat, now just leaning against the kitchen counter. “Did Louis text you?”

“Nope.” Well… Niall had already known that, hadn’t he?

“I should have told you before my phone turned off, but… he texted me telling you to convince him to text him first. He said he doesn’t wanna sound desperate, and that he thought it was rude that you left without telling him.” What was the point in trying to save Louis’ dignity now? Niall didn’t care anymore. 

“That does sound pretty desperate, considering I never wanted to go the party in the first place and he abandoned me the first chance he got once we arrived.” He sounded so bitter that Niall was suddenly angry at Louis as well.

Then again, he had been angry at him for a long time now, especially today. What the fuck had he been thinking? And Liam as well?

“Hmm. That does sound like him.” Very much so, painfully almost. “Are you… you know?”

“Dating? What do you think?” That answered the question. “You know him a lot better than I do. I’m not actually sure I even know him at all. I had no idea until last night that his main income seems to come from illegal drug business. So he was probably out fucking a hundred people whenever he told me he was working extra shifts.”

Niall could not deny that, but also not confirm it. He had been wrapped up in his own head lately, trying not to develop feelings for Liam, and had proceeded to fail quite dramatically.

“I still don’t understand how the two of you got involved after what happened when you met… “ It was truly a mystery to Niall.

“Me neither. We just bumped into each other again later that night, we were both drinking and then we hooked up, I barely remember it now. He’s different from all the people I’ve ever been with, and I… well, I’ve been stressed out from work, and I recently ended it with someone else, so- you know. For a bit, I actually thought we’re a good match, despite whatever shit always seemed to go down constantly.” Harry shrugged again, then he waited for a moment before he carried on. “Well, and now I guess the reason he insisted I always stay over and come along was so he wouldn’t have to sleep alone.”

It was really sad that, actually, it was possibly the truth. Louis’ difficulties sleeping were nothing new to Niall after all, and he had let Harry in on the secret last night, by accident. Maybe not, maybe a reason for Niall to not get drunk anymore was also because it loosened his tongue too much.

But mostly because he was desperately trying to stay away from those coping mechanisms that would keep him from somehow turning his life around. It seemed though, especially in this moment, that his past would always come to haunt him, no matter how hard he tried to run from it.

“Do you really not know why Liam never came back for you?” Harry broke the silence after a while, after Niall had not denied that Louis would use people for his own benefits. Niall had seen him do it to more people than he could count.

He shook his head, no, then opened his mouth, closed it again. Finally, he gave in. “He wanted us to talk this out many times, but I… I didn’t want to. Louis has been telling me a lot about what apparently happened after Liam left me at some hospital, but… I know it’s just his side of the story, and he wanted to make Liam look bad, because he’s still so angry at him… I kinda get it. But for myself, I… you know, Liam was 11, I was 6. Even if he decided he didn’t care that much about me after all back then, why would I still blame a child for that, after 18 years?”

“True… “ Harry mumbled, seemingly lost in thoughts right now.

Was it crazy, that it was easier to talk to him about this, than to Liam or Louis? Then again, it made sense, did it not? He was an outside to the whole story, he apparently knew nothing at all, and he was somehow in the same situation as Niall.

“I’d wanna know what happened, I think. If I were you.” The other man told him after a moment, and Niall shrugged.

“I guess he’s gonna tell me now anyways, he’s wanted to for a while.” Another reason why Niall did not want his phone turned back on. “I just wish he and Louis could talk this out instead… I care about both of them and it’s… it feels like none of us can ever move past any of this if they don’t.”

“Hmm… “ Harry made again, looking out of the window once more, and Niall thought he would just never answer when he suddenly did. “I could get them both to come over right now quite easily.”

“Do you want them to wreck your place too?” Niall asked, jokingly, not expecting the reaction he got.

“They really did wreck Zayn’s place, from what I gathered. I didn’t wanna ask, Zayn’s getting on my nerves after just one text.” Harry laughed, and Niall still wasn’t sure if they really hated each other or if maybe they were doing it as a joke or something. “Anyways, they can’t be hurt very badly, no one went to hospital or anything. But they also didn’t talk afterwards, that’s for sure.”

“Sounds like Louis.” Niall should have known, should have never asked Liam to talk to him or for Louis to just please give Liam a chance. It seemed to be a hopeless wish. “… I don’t know why, but I keep having this vision that if they talk, Liam could help Louis, or that… that Louis could somehow turn his life around for the better if he could just let go of the past. Nothing I say would ever get through to him, I was also hoping that you could-“

“Not a chance, forget it.” Niall had thought that much. “He’s completely closed off, I tried. But I also didn’t know how serious it was, so I quickly gave up because it was getting him mad. It’s not hard to tell that something’s off though.”

“Yeah… god, he’s gonna murder me if he finds out what I told you.” Then again, he might murder Niall either way.

“I won’t tell him, there’s no use anyways. He’d probably murder me, too. And then Liam. And then this Will, while he’s already at it. Possibly also Zayn, just ‘cos he knows Liam.” And just everyone, Niall couldn’t have agreed more with Harry in that moment. “What are you going to do about that Will anyways?”

“No idea… probably ignore him. I know I can’t trust him, it’s just… “ Niall trailed off, not knowing how to put this into words, without feeling like a fucking moron for it.

All Will had done was hurt him and traumatize him, his best friend had gone to hospital for Niall because of that dickhead, and yet here Niall was, unsure of what to do, whether he should have answered that text, and what he should have said.

Was Niall really this goddamn easy and stupid? It seemed like it for a moment.

“I don’t know what exactly he’s done to you, but Louis was going to slit his throat for it.” Harry threw in, and Niall had to swallow.

“Louis has no self control. He’d wanna slit your throat too if you asked him to stop dealing drugs to make a living.” Not to talk Will’s actions better, but Louis’ reactions to things were really not a good baseline for anything. “I feel like my whole life is some kinda drama at this point. With the occasional comic relief.”

“Who is the comic relief?” Harry asked, jokingly, and Niall almost laughed at the question.

“Myself, when I think it will eventually get better and then it only gets worse.” Sad, but true. “Anyways, uh… maybe I’ll borrow your charger after all.”

“Go ahead.” The older man nodded, not moving from his spot though as Niall went to sit on his couch after plugging in his phone.

He still didn’t know what to text anyone, but he also could not ignore them all forever, could he? He also had now found out that it was after 1 pm because Harry had a clock on the wall, and the fact that none of them had texted him again after going to sleep, except Will, did bother Niall just slightly.

So what, Louis and Liam could get into a physical fight, and then just both send him stupid messages at 2 or 3 in the morning and forget all about him in the morning? Not even talking about the fact that Louis had only texted him to bitch about Liam and then beg Niall to convince his not boyfriend to text him first.

What was Niall to these men anyways? A child? 

While his phone was charging and Harry had finally gotten up from his chair to do whatever, Niall thought himself into a real rage, and he would have liked to say he immediately regretted what he did, but he really did not regret anything.

At least for around 2 minutes.

_To Liam & Lou 13:11  
If you guys don’t finally talk about it like normal fucking people I don’t know if I’ll ever talk to any of you ever again_

There, Niall had added them both into a groupchat, so now they’d not only have each other’s numbers, but also knew how Niall felt about-

And promptly, Louis had already left the chat, and Liam was typing.

So fucking typical of them both.

_Liam 13:12  
Ni… Can we please talk first? Just you and I?_

And then, in a separate text message, Louis also decided to acknowledge his existence again.

_Lou 13:12  
Nice try. Are you still with Harry? He still hasn’t texted me, just saying_

God damn it.

“Liam just texted me asking if you’re still here and if he can show up without me telling you about it.” Harry informed him from the other room and Niall almost had to laugh at the man’s disloyalty to Liam.

“Why are you telling me then?” It was funny, Niall was giving him that, and he really had nothing left except his humor anyways. 

“Because I think it’s morally wrong not to.” True. “Also a little bit because I don’t want him to come over. In exchange, can you not tell Louis that you’re still here?”

“I think he kinda knows, but I’m ignoring him anyways.” Seriously, at least Liam was sorry, and Niall was upset with him for different reasons that also stemmed a bit from his issues with himself, but Louis was just being unapologetically annoying and ignorant at this point. “He’s really desperate for your attention, he just texted me about you ignoring him as well.”

“Sounds like that’s his problem, not mine.” Harry gave back, but in his voice Niall could hear that really, he was hurt.

And he got it, too, because Harry was a nice guy. Niall just knew, even before last night and today had happened, he had known that him and Liam would have not been this close otherwise. Sure, they were family, but it was obvious they were really good friends, too.

Which was why it surprised Niall that Harry seemed to be on his side right now, hiding him here. They were kind of in the same situation though, even though… well, Harry did actually have sex with Louis and was apparently romantically involved with him, whereas Niall and Liam were friends, at best.

Comparing their situations was really just making Niall look even more pathetic, even if it was just inside his head. Plus, he KNEW that Liam had not, would have never, started this fight with Louis, he knew the man would have been more than willing to talk to Louis, forget the past and move on. Louis was the driving force behind what had happened last night, everyone knew that.

And yet… Niall avoided texting Liam back for a bit longer, because he wasn’t sure if he was ready to talk. Wasn’t sure if it would really be for the best if they did, if anything between them would change.

At the same time, he was craving Liam’s presence more than he would have liked, his touch and his soothing voice. He could have really done with a hug right now as well, but Niall would stay strong, because he was not a damn baby, and he had done nothing wrong last night.

Except puked in front of Zayn’s door, but that was different.

“If you’re gonna be staying here, can you hold this for a second, actually?” No idea how Niall ended up helping Harry suddenly starting to unclutter his apartment for the next few hours, but apparently, that’s what he was doing.

\---------------------

“Harry is such a traitor… “ Liam muttered, locking his phone and throwing it on Zayn’s couch before burrowing his face in his hands. 

“That’s what I’ve been telling you for years.” His friend joked, in a better mood now than last night, but his place also wasn’t reeking anymore and apparently, he had gotten what he wanted. For Liam to tell him the truth, finally let him in. Strangely enough, Liam’s relief over saying all these things out loud had vanished in thin air during the night. “But jokes aside… is he really not letting you come over?”

“He said if I wanna talk to Niall then I gotta ask him myself and that he would not open the building for me if I came over anyway. I did ask Niall, but he keeps ignoring me.” Except for when he had thought it’d be a good idea to put Liam and Louis in a fucking groupchat together.

Honestly, Liam was more than willing to talk to Louis, he just knew there was no point.

“Can’t blame him, can you?” No, but still. “Maybe Niall isn’t even with him anymore, maybe he’s at your place.”

“There is no way in hell he’d be there and ignore my texts. But you can tell me if you want me to leave… I should probably get going anyways.” They hadn’t talked, not really.

Well, Liam had done a lot of talking, but he had also asked his friend to just not comment it, and Zayn had respected his wishes. No idea why it suddenly bothered Liam.

“I don’t really care, I’ve got nothing planned for today. I hadn’t even planned to get up this early to be honest.” Zayn shrugged, stretching himself out on the other couch and Liam leaned back, staring at the ceiling.

What the fuck was he going to do? His body was still aching, but his wounds and bruises were not deep or bad. It was honestly a bit embarrassing to think himself and Louis had caused that scene for nothing at all, that Liam had hurt Louis probably even less than vice versa.

Not that he had wanted to, just… a little bit.

“It’s almost 2 in the afternoon.” Liam reminded his friend, but he already knew the answer before he heard it.

“Yeah, and? That’s morning for me.” Zayn gave back, and Liam envied him all of a sudden. “I’m gonna order food, do you want anything?”

“I mean, maybe I-“

“Good, then you can pay.” His friend grinned when Liam checked, and for a moment, he wanted to protest, then he just gave in. Whatever, he owed it to Zayn anyways. “Also, I hope you realize that you hiding out here while Niall is staying at Harry’s is the most childish thing either of you have ever done and I don’t even really know him. It’s like something a couple would do after a fight, and you guys never even had a fight at all.”

“We’re also not a couple.” Saying it out loud like that felt weird, but Liam did not need to think about this now, he had more pressing issues at hand. “Also, I’m not HIDING, he knows exactly where I am. He just doesn’t care.”

“Can you order the food while whining, please?” God, why was Liam here?

It was Liam’s fault that Zayn was not taking this serious anymore, and to be fair, all of this WAS fucking childish and stupid, but he also didn’t know how to change any of that. Plus, he knew his friend didn’t want to upset him with asking more questions when Liam had already told him he didn’t wanna talk about any of it last night.

So really, Zayn had no choice left but to make a joke out of it or switch the topic, Liam had brought it upon himself.

He even considered texting Louis, now that he had his number, but eventually, Liam realized it would have only been adding fuel to fire. Either that, or he would have just been ignored, making him look not only weak but also goddamn stupid.

The stupidest part of it all was that somehow, through all of this, Liam couldn’t stop thinking about Will. About him coming to Niall’s work to apologize, trying to lure him back in. It had been a couple days ago, but Liam was 100% certain that the man was far from giving up.

With their actions, Liam was afraid Louis and him were gonna end up driving Niall back into Will’s arms for some reason, and though that fear seemed irrational, it didn’t leave Liam feeling right inside. More than anything, Niall craved stability, safety, Liam had gathered that, and right now, no one was really providing that for him, so if this Will was really such a great manipulator…

But Liam really did not want to even explore the thought further, because it made him shiver.

Eventually, Zayn did deviate from the small talk they had fallen into while eating, but again, Liam was not in the mood to talk about things. There really was nothing more to say, except telling Zayn yet again that he was sorry for what had happened.

In the end, Zayn initiated the hug when Liam left, telling him to call if he needed anything, or to just come back because he wouldn’t be leaving his place today anyways.

Liam thanked him, but he wasn’t planning on doing either.

He didn’t feel like going home, so he just drove around for a while, trying to clear his head, trying to think of what to do. He could have just gone to Harry’s place, but Harry had told him not to, and that it would be better if he gave Niall the time he needed, so Liam would of course respect that.

It was just so damn hard, because, as stupid as it sounded, he missed Niall. They had spent so much time together lately, pretty much all day and night, and it somehow become Liam’s new normal to have Niall with him, and now…

Now he wasn’t even sure anymore what would happen.

When it was dark outside, Liam finally drove back home, not any wiser than when he had left Zayn’s place, what felt like, hours ago. Maybe it had been, who knew?

He was still stuck in thoughts as he headed up the stairs inside his building, looking for his keys inside his pocket because he had stupidly put it back inside after locking the car. So he was pretty startled when he heard a voice upon approaching his front door.

“Hey.” 

“Jesus, Ni, wh- why are you sitting out here?” Relief overcame Liam, so much that he wanted to laugh, but he held back, swallowed it down, taking in the scene in front of him.

Niall was just sitting there, next to his front door, in the hallway, on the floor on his jacket. How long had he waited here?

“Nialler, it’s cold, why did you not go inside?” Liam panicked slightly, and he almost could not even enjoy the fact that Niall laughed at him. So… was he forgiven?

“I never take my keys when we go out together. Besides… it would have felt quite inappropriate, even if I had had my key with me.” That made sense, but also…

“Harry has a key to my place as well.” Assuming he was the one who had dropped Niall off, but… Liam felt it was a safe bet. He would have actually paid money right now to know what those two had been talking about all day. “And you could have texted me, I would have come straight away and-“

“I know. But I’ve only been here for like 10 minutes.” He shrugged, slowly getting up then, collecting his jacket from the floor before standing in front of Liam, face more serious again. “I, um… wanted to say sorry. For ignoring you all day. Also, the groupchat was a bad idea, as well as what I wrote, but I was kinda, uh, really mad at both of you.”

“There’s no need to apologize… I’m mad at myself too.” And at Louis, but Liam didn’t wanna say that right now. Maybe ever, not in front of Niall. “I’m sorry about last night, I’m sorry that- that I just kinda disappeared and-“

“Yeah, why did you? I was stuck with one of Zayn’s friends, I think… can’t really remember it that well. He was trying to flirt with me the whole time, but turns out he didn’t even remember my name. Also, Louis is his dealer, so that was a fun conversation.” Wait, what?

“He was flirting with you?” Liam asked, still stuck on that, and Niall threw a weird look at him.

“That’s the part you think is the weirdest? Geez, thanks.” Niall was clearly joking, but his laugh also sounded forced. Before Liam could apologize, his face suddenly feeling hot, Niall had snatched the keys out of his hand. Their skin brushed, and Liam felt as if he had gotten electrocuted. “It is kinda cold out here.”

Niall was acting as if nothing had happened at all, and Liam should have expected it. He wasn’t one for confrontation, or one to address the fact that they had just spent all day dancing around one another. Even now, Niall refused to address the elephant in the room as he let them inside Liam’s apartment, taking off his shoes and hanging up his jacket.

It was calming to watch him do it, put his things into the places they belonged. It meant he viewed this place as something like a home, right? No idea why, but Liam really had needed the reassurance today, that Niall wasn’t up and about to leave, bolt out the door to never return.

He had done it once, Liam was not going to let it happen again.

“Where were you all day?” Liam blurted out, not being able to hold back once he had watched Niall go into the kitchen to get himself something to drink. Again as if he had always lived here. Good.

“With Harry.” Was all the younger boy told him, shrugging, as if it was completely normal for him to do that, as if he did it all the time, too. “You?” 

“With Zayn.” Well, not the whole truth, Liam had also been driving his car around like a loser, not wanting to come home, so there was that. Had Niall even tried to ring the doorbell before? Some stranger must have let him into the building. Or maybe Harry had, after all. “We… we should talk.”

“I already know what happened.” Okay, so he really did not wanna talk about this?! “Did you at least get each other good? You don’t look like Louis even touched you.”

“Nialler… “ Liam started, not knowing what to do if the boy was going to turn this into a joke in an attempt to make it less serious and get himself out of this conversation.

To be fair, it felt a bit like a joke, but it hadn’t felt like one last night. And Liam also knew that Louis’ built up anger was not a joke either, far from it. He had been drunk last night, but the things he had called Liam, he had meant them, 100%.

“What?” Niall asked, all innocently, as if he had absolutely no idea what was even going on.

Liam sighed, slowly coming closer. He was itching to hug Niall, just hold him for a bit, wishing Niall would want the same, but it was clear he did not. It was obvious that he was not at all doing fine, no matter how much he was trying to play it cool.

Hopefully Harry was not the one who had given him the advice to just pretend nothing had happened. Then again, if he had truly been pretending as if nothing had happened, they would not have this obvious distance between them, both physically and clearly, emotionally.

“We don’t have to talk.” Liam started, actually seeing a flicker of hope on the younger’s face. What now? “Can I just- what if I just say what I wanna say, and you don’t even have to respond?”

“I mean, I… I can’t keep you from saying what you wanna say. In your own apartment.” Okay, why was he saying it like that now?

“I don’t wanna force you into this, if you really don’t want to hear-“

“What if I don’t? What if it doesn’t matter to me? Maybe it’s better if I don’t know, I’m living life just fine like that.” Was he, though?

“Why are you so afraid of me telling you my side of the story?” Liam had to just put it into words now, he was done dancing around it, and he could tell it took the younger boy off guard. “Louis told you his.”

“While we were both drunk, over five years ago. We were also both crying.” Did that make it any less true, though? “If he’d wanna tell me now… I’d say no as well.”

“Why, though?” Liam kept pushing, coming closer until only the kitchen island was separating them. 

“Liam, for what? We were _kids_. Am I traumatized? For sure. But it wasn’t your fault, you did not put me there, you’re not my insane mother, who texted me at 5 in the morning, to wish me and her 200 other contacts a happy new year. Happy New Year, by the way, we never saw each other after midnight.” Wait, what?

“Ni-“

“Anyways. I don’t need to know any of it, we will never know who was right, and who lied, or who just remembered it wrong and told themselves it’s the right version. Things are fine the way they are now, if you tell me, I might hear things I have successfully forgotten about.” So that was it? He was trying to forget? “It’s better this way.”

“It’s really not. Last night-“

“That is between you and Louis, it has nothing to do with me at all.” But it did. All of it had to do with Niall.

Absolutely every last bit of it.

\---------------------------------

_”Help me, please help me!” Liam was crying too, and his arms were starting to get weak, and he didn’t know what to do._

_Niall was small, but he wasn’t that small to be carrying around while running, trying to get someone’s attention. Anyone’s._

_It was dark outside, and it was raining, and no one really paid attention. The streets were loud and busy and Liam couldn’t see so well between his tears._

_A couple times, he almost fell down. He was panicked thinking someone was coming after him though he knew somewhere in the back of his mind that it wasn’t even possible._

_Niall was slipping from his grip, Liam also wasn’t sure anymore if he was even still awake or not. If he was still alive. There had been a lot of blood, Niall had been screaming in pain and then when the man had kicked him again… the memory made Liam cry even harder._

_He didn’t know how he got to the hospital, how no one on the way cared enough to stop and ask what was wrong, or maybe people did, but Liam just never noticed. The entrance hall was bright and blinding compared to the outside, and there were lots of people too, but this time, when Liam tried again, people heard him._

_“Please help me!” He did drop Niall this time, not fully, but partly, his arms feeling like jelly now and Liam just let himself fall to his knees as well, because he was just so exhausted and scared and-_

_“Dear god! What happened?! Page someone, quick!” Liam didn’t know who the voices were talking to, his head suddenly felt weird, dizzy, he kept clinging onto Niall though, not wanting to leave him alone. “Hey, it’s going to be alright. What’s your name?”_

_“L-Liam, b-but- p-please h-help… “ Was all Liam sobbed out, because why weren’t they doing anything?!_

_“We will help, Liam, everything will be just fine, yeah? Where are your parents? What happened? Who did this?” The questions kept coming and coming and Liam just told them, told them everything even though he wasn’t sure if anyone really heard all of it. “Liam, are you hurt, too? Come on, let’s take you to-“_

_“NO! I need to s-stay w-with N-Niall, I-I- I p-promised.” Liam sobbed once more people had come and someone had put Niall on a stretcher even though Liam had been clinging onto him._

_“He’s hurt, the doctors will fix him, then you can see him again, alright? Are you hurt too?” The woman repeated her question, and through his teary eyes, Liam only saw Niall’s flatter open briefly before they carried him away._

_“L-Li… “ He whispered, so quiet that Liam wasn’t sure if it was real, it all happened so fast._

_“N-Ni, I-I- I’m h-here, okay? I p-promise. It’ll b-be o-okay… “ That was all Liam brought out before he was alone with this woman who had been holding him back, gently, but still firmly._

_There was blood on his wet clothes, lots of people were staring and Liam didn’t know what to do. There were a million things on his mind._

_“Come on, let’s get you to see a doctor as well.” The woman sounded nice, but Liam felt scared going with her, not knowing where Niall was in this huge building. Liam had been to hospitals before, but it had been a long time, and the last time… the last time had been when his parents had died._

_It was all overwhelming, all these adults talking to Liam, doctors and nurses and some who were neither and Liam couldn’t even speak anymore, couldn’t answer anymore questions, because it suddenly hit him what he had done._

_There was no return from tonight, he had made his decision, and he had sealed his own fate, Niall’s, and also Louis’._

_Liam wasn’t sure if he’d be able to live with the guilt he felt for using Louis to protect himself and Niall, but he also knew he couldn’t have possibly fixed it, he couldn’t have gone back and- or could he?_

\--------------------------------

“I did it for you.” Liam told Niall, for the hundredths time, it felt like. “All of it.”

“I know.” Was all Niall answered, licking his lips, looking away from him. “But… “

“But?” Liam asked, more softly now, not wanting this conversation to die down, not again. He was determined, he wanted them to finally get this out of the way. 

“You left.” Niall finally said it, not accusingly or anything, and Liam knew he had pushed him to say it anyways. He had never gotten to explain himself though the answer was actually very easy.

“Because of Louis.” The older man told him slowly, watching Niall’s expression closely. “I left because I went back, I wanted Louis to come with me, too. I felt bad for what I did, for telling them it was his knife, and that he was trying to get you to hurt someone with it. I don’t know what else I said, but it was mostly lies, and a lot of them, anything so I’d get the chance to run away with you.”

There was silence between them, and Liam kinda thought maybe it was because Niall had not known that, because how could he have? He had been unconscious.

Then, when he whispered, it did sting, the tone in his voice. “So it is true… so he’s right to be pissed at you?”

“I never said he wasn’t.” Liam had long accepted it, it was a burden he would carry forever, but he hadn’t done it for no reason. “Niall, if I hadn’t gotten them to leave us alone… you would be dead. They would have not given you medical care, you were already sick for days leading up to that night. Even if your wounds wouldn’t have killed you right then… eventually, someone would have hurt you even worse than that. It was only a question of time, and I knew that, so we had to leave.”

Silence, again, and Niall must have known this part already, right? He must have remembered how he had gotten hurt, being sick for days and days. 

“So you went back to get Louis and he… he didn’t wanna come?” The younger boy tried, and Liam shook his head, feeling frustrated all of a sudden.

Truth be told, he had thought that this would be somewhat easy, but turns out he had not been prepared for this conversation, at all. Especially not after seeing Louis last night, now remembering all the things he had said to him.

\-------------------------

_Liam was all alone in the hospital, sitting on the bed, in clothes that did not belong to him. He was clean, at least, someone had told him that Niall was okay, but he was not allowed to see him, no matter how much Liam cried and begged them._

_Eventually, he had given up._

_There were other kids too, sick kids, not like him. Nothing was wrong with Liam, he did not belong, he had just needed help for Niall and… and now he was alone._

_He didn’t trust these adults, any of them. What if they’d never let him see Niall ever again? What if they were just lying?_

_All his worries mixed with the worries about Louis, about what Liam had done, the lies he had told. Would he never see Louis again, too?_

_Liam cried a whole lot, he had made a wrong choice, but what else had he been supposed to do?! He had had to help Niall, get the man away from him so he could run._

_But he shouldn’t have dragged Louis into it, and now Louis would face all the punishments for Liam, and Liam just could not let it happen._

_He did have a plan when he got on his shoes and jacket that they had left him, because he had begged them. For what, he hadn’t been sure, but now he was._

_Liam would only be gone for a little bit, he knew the city better than the back of his hand, he would go and get Louis, and then come back. If he told the adults about where Louis was and all the other kids… maybe they wouldn’t actually help them. Or maybe they would just ignore him, or take too long._

_And Louis did not have long, Liam had already waited long enough._

_Sneaking out was easy, and Liam knew he’d get back in even easier. His heart ached a bit, leaving Niall behind, but he would have not been allowed to see him tonight either way, the nurses had told him he was sleeping, which was good, because Niall hadn’t gotten to sleep in a bed in years._

_Liam ran as fast as he could, in the middle of the night, and he thought he would feel cold, but he didn’t. He didn’t really feel anything at all, he just needed to be faster, do this more quickly, the adrenaline pumping through his body helping him to do exactly that._

_It was dead quiet when Liam got back, shivering as he looked at the building, crawled through the bushes to get to the entry they had been using a lot, the broken window he had escaped from hours ago._

_He had no idea how late it was as he climbed up the wall, having had enough practice over the years. He just needed to get to Louis, and then they could go back to the hospital together, see Niall, and everything would be fine._

_Right? They’d finally get help, they’d finally live a normal life, they’d finally-_

_What Liam saw upon pulling himself up on the window sill quickly knocked all those thoughts out of his head. There was nothing left of it, no thought, no hope, no nothing. All he could stare at, was Louis’ face, the look on it, something he had never seen before. Never had wanted to see, either._

_Liam was too late, Louis had already gotten punished, and none of the kids were sleeping, they were all wide awake, probably scared after what must have happened to Louis, after they had probably all been forced to watch it, too. No one had ever looked like that after a punishment, Louis looked completely wrecked, dead almost. Worse than Niall for sure. But yet, he wasn’t even crying, or maybe his face was too swollen to see. He was just lying there, in silence, probably unable to move._

_There was so much blood, it was almost making Liam want to puke right then and there. He didn’t, didn’t move a single muscle, just stared at Louis, who was staring back at him in the light of the candles they had and Liam wanted to say sorry, beg him forgiveness, but he knew it would have never cut it._

_He had caused this. And yet, the expression on Louis’ face was clearly begging Liam for help._

_For a moment, Liam was determined to help, carry Louis like he had Niall, help him, too. But he quickly realized he would have not been able to carry a boy 2 years older than him, not with everyone else still awake, too. If he tried and failed, he would never see Niall again, ever. Him and Louis would share the punishment, probably for all eternity._

_When somebody suddenly looked up, all remaining hope was lost completely._

_“Wha- LIAM?!” One of the kids asked, and suddenly everyone was up on their feet, making noise, and in his panic, Liam never even threw another look at Louis’ face, he climbed down the window and wall again, for the very last time._

_And then he ran faster than he ever had in his life._

\------------------------

“No, he… “ Liam started, clearing his throat. He had been eager to talk about this, tell Niall the truth, but now… suddenly, it was hard to even formulate a single word. “I brought you to the hospital and… they kept me there, too. I couldn’t go to see you, they didn’t let me, I think you were also not awake and- I snuck out, it was easy. I was just going to get Louis and come b-“

“You already said that.” Niall suddenly interrupted, and Liam took a deep breath. The younger boy was not happy. “So you went there, and he didn’t wanna come, because he liked that place, right?”

“Niall… “ Was that what Louis had told him? “Did Louis tell y-“

“No.” Oh. “I just need you to say yes. Say he didn’t wanna come.”

“Ni, I… “ Liam didn’t understand the sudden switch of mood, Niall’s voice trembling, not letting him finish another sentence. “He-“

“He didn’t wanna come. And you came back to the hospital, but somehow they messed it all up and we ended up being separated, but you tried everything. And I did, too. And you told the police about it, and they were just incompetent. But you tried. Right? And you tried to find me again, and Louis, too. Louis _wanted_ to stay.” 

It was only then that Liam realized, Niall wanted him to just say yes, and lie, straight to his face. Even if they both knew it. This was why Niall had not wanted Liam to tell him, he hadn’t wanted confirmation, he had been hoping it hadn’t been true, that Louis had really lied to him about this part.

“I… I did try everything to find you. For years.” The only part that was not a lie. Of course, Liam had not actively kept searching like a maniac once he had turned a certain age, but he was fairly positive that neither had Niall.

The silence hanging between them was almost unbearable right now, and it’d be a lie to say Liam did not regret starting this conversation. It had been necessary, of course… but damn, did he want to take it back now.

They looked at each other then, and Liam thought Niall would burst into tears any second. He didn’t know what Niall had thought had really happened, what Louis had told him, but Liam assumed now that what Louis had said to him had been nothing but the truth.

That those _lies_ he had been telling Niall, had not actually been lies. Probably just the truth, wildly exaggerated to make Liam look even worse, make it look like he had never cared about Niall at all. Those parts would have been lies, but Liam wasn’t sure if it still even mattered, if there was actually a need to make him look worse, because it was bad enough standing on its own.

“I don’t know what Louis told you, but… I loved you, I would have done anything for you. Everything I did, it was for you. And I went back because I wanted to get Louis, too, I felt guilty, it happened in a moment where I only had two choices, and I chose you because you meant the world to me. And I would have killed someone for you… “ In the end, Liam almost had, even though unknowingly. 

Neither of them could really know how many punishments Louis had gotten, for how many years it had dragged on. Liam knew the tattoos were covering the scars, he assumed Harry must have known it, too.

Suddenly, he wondered what his cousin would have thought of him had he known the truth as well. Maybe, in his head, Liam had adjusted the story a bit, pushed it away. Reliving it now, saying it out loud… it was pure torture.

And not only to him.

“Why did you not come back to the hospital?” Niall asked after a lot of silence, and Liam suddenly wanting to puke. “I asked for you so many times… “

“I know… “ He couldn’t have known, but knowing Niall… fuck, Liam was about to start bawling again. “I was going to, I… I was on my way and… I ran into some women, they called the police and things just… happened. I was a child, they didn’t tell me everything, I told them about you, about Louis, but… no chance. They kept promising me they’d take care of it all, that it would be fine, but I never got to see the inside of that hospital again. Eventually, I… I thought maybe… maybe it was for the best.”

“What was for the best?” The boy asked, his voice sounding sharper, and Liam knew he had to choose his words carefully.

This had been a mistake, what had he been thinking, all those weeks, months, wanting to tell Niall? 

“That… that I didn’t get to go back to the hospital to be with you. They would have eventually torn us apart, either way. They were always going to, they would have sent you back to your mother even if I had been there and then-“

“Then what? So it didn’t matter? If you came back or not? Because I would have just had tough luck, either way?” Fuck.

“Niall, no, that’s not- listen.” Liam cut him off before he could have said anything at all, but Niall’s mouth had already been open. “It all turned to shit, okay? And I did it. And god knows, Louis probably exaggerated the story to make it look like I never cared about you and THAT is a lie, but I- I did leave him behind. I did. I got him in trouble and ran away, and then I did it a second time, when he really needed me. I just… he was 2 years older, everyone was awake, I could have never- it would have never worked. I would have been stuck there, too, his punishments would have not gone away, we would have shared them. I know I was a coward, but I was 11, and I thought I was going back to you. I told the police, I told them the location, everything.”

“They never went there. Louis says they always had connections to the police, that they had connections in their inner circle.” Niall told him, his voice sounding emotionless suddenly. “… so Louis was telling me the truth all along.”

It appeared like it, Liam only pressed his lips together though. It hadn’t been a question, had it?

So they stood there, staring at each other across the kitchen isle, and Liam actually had nothing else to say. Nothing at all.

Except…

“I know what I did. But if it were your life on the line… “ Liam just had to say it, because he knew in his heart that he had fucked up, but he could have not carried this for the rest of his life. He could not make it undone, and he had not done it for no reason. “I’d do it again, in a heartbeat. I had no choice, it was you or him. And I would have chosen you over anyone then, and I would still do it now, no questions asked.”

Niall was clearly torn, Liam saw his inner conflict, could feel the disappointment, the sadness, all of it at once, as if he could actually FEEL what the younger boy was feeling right now though he had never said a word about it.

There was nothing left to say, not really. Just that Louis should have probably punched Liam harder last night, that Liam had deserved it, and he knew it, but he couldn’t have won in that situation, and he had come to accept it.

He had loved Louis like a brother, too, but never as much as Niall.

When their eyes met, Liam was suddenly afraid that Niall would storm out, curse at him, go straight back to living with Louis, or maybe Harry, but instead, the younger boy simply stared. When he moved, it was slowly, and the moment of relief Liam felt when he realized Niall was walking towards HIM, was very short lived.

Liam had expected a hug, maybe even a slap across the face, but surely not a very desperate kiss on the lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is an EARLY early update, because i was up all night writing this from 1 am to 7 in the morning and then i had an 8 am block seminar that i cant even remember now because i attended in my bed and... anyways, im afraid it will slip my mind to upload this at night, if ill even still be awake then rip
> 
> i know this is another cliffhanger now, for which i am very, very sorry, but i bet no one expected a kiss at this stage! or for liam to basically spill the beans on everything. in earlier chapters, liam thought a lot about how louis must have lied to niall etc., that is because over the years, liam found peace with himself telling himself he did it for niall, and that he had no choice but to do what he did (he still thinks so). in his eyes, louis must have lied to niall to get him to hate him too, because liam only did this for niall, and they were each others everything, so he always expected niall to forgive him instantly. blaming louis for it all though is him projecting his own guilt, he knows it was wrong, but he could have not acted any differently, especially being the age he was. its a tough situation, and louis most definitely did exaggarate things to niall to have him on his side! in the end, its really a failure of all the adults involved and the entire system.
> 
> have a great week!!! id love to talk in the comments, i always answer, just a bit late :')


	13. Chapter 13

It happened in the heat of the moment, Niall had no idea what he was doing or why, he just knew his body felt as if it wasn’t even being controlled by himself but by some outside force. He didn’t even plan to go and kiss Liam, he was just staring at him, trying to process everything he had heard and to think of the consequences this would have and then… he basically just lost it.

Like really, LOST it.

When he kissed Liam it was completely out of nowhere, and desperate and hard and Niall held onto his face, pressing their lips together, because maybe he just wanted to feel something, _anything_ at all, that was not this pain of being reminded of the past. And he liked Liam, he really fucking did, as much as he had tried not to.

And now he just had had to go and mess it all up, as per usual.

The kiss did not last long, Niall was the only one even moving at all and it didn’t take long for Liam to suddenly hold onto his wrists, slowly but firmly pulling the younger’s hands away from his face and Niall stopped immediately.

The shock he felt over his own actions was mirrored in Liam’s face.

“Shit.” Was all Niall brought out, opening his mouth, trying to explain, but nothing came out. Nothing at all, not even a curse. What had he done? “I… didn’t- I didn’t mean to.”

Liam was still holding onto his wrists, weakly, probably forgetting to let go, but he did when Niall took another step back to bring more distance between them, because they were still WAY too close.

“Liam… “ Yeah, what? “I’m… sorry.”

There was a really stupid part inside of Niall, that he somehow could not shut up. A part in him that felt really proud for doing what he had done, impulsively acting on his new found feelings for Liam, interpreting his stunned silence as confirmation that he liked Niall too. Which was so fucking ridiculous that Niall wanted to laugh at himself.

Liam had not even kissed back, and even if he HAD liked Niall the same, which he so obviously did not, this would have still been very wrong. Niall had kissed him without even asking for permission, after a very emotional conversation and… this had been a mistake.

And Liam was still not saying a single word.

“I- maybe I should go.” Niall finally brought out, because the tension in the air was threatening to kill him. His lips were still tingling and he had butterflies in his stomach and it felt really fucking wrong, but he couldn’t exactly help his own feelings, could he?

If he had had a choice, he would have fallen for anyone in this world except for Liam.

“No, I- where would you go?” Liam finally woke from his trance as Niall walked backwards until he hit the counter. The older man still looked shocked, but also as if he was trying really hard to wrap his head around what had just happened.

If Niall told him the truth now, Liam would pity him, he just KNEW, and he could not let that happen. Ever.

“Nowhere, I- I don’t know.” Then, Niall mentally kicked himself and decided to put all his energy into somehow trying to save this situation. No matter how, he just HAD to do it. “Sorry, I- I don’t know why I did that, I was… I wasn’t thinking and- what you told me, I… I really did not expect it. I didn’t know- I still don’t know how to react, I’m… why did you tell me?”

“Because… it needed to be said. I didn’t know what Louis told you and I wanted to make sure you know the truth, from me.” But apparently they had both spoken the truth, and it was disappointing, but somehow, Niall felt like Liam was disappointed by his reaction too. 

So Louis was not really just plain stubborn, he actually had reasons to hate Liam. But if Liam had known that all along anyways… 

“He did try to tell you I left you alone on purpose.” That was true, probably the only lie Louis had told though, and Niall’s stomach twisted uncomfortably.

Were they just going to ignore the kiss? Not speak about it and take it to their graves? Niall kinda hoped they would, because he had never felt so embarrassed before. 

“He also… he told me about everything that happened after, when… when neither you nor me were there anymore.” Horror stories that would follow Niall forever, and whenever he recalled them, he understood why Louis was the way he was. It actually shocked him sometimes, that he wasn’t doing even worse. “But it’s- I know why you did it, I get it, I mean… Louis told the story very differently, and… yeah. But I… I guess, that… that I would have done the same. For you. So… “

The older man visibly relaxed, and Niall tried to as well. Tried not to be angry at Liam, and he wasn’t and had no reason to, but it was still quite a shock to him to learn that the older man had really done what Louis had always accused him of, what had ruined Louis’ life to such an extent.

“Maybe you shouldn’t talk to Louis.” Niall finally decided, after having tried to get Liam to do it so many times, but now… where was the point? What would he have said, anyways? Sorry? That would never be enough for Louis, his entire life had changed drastically because of what Liam had done, so much so that it still affected him 18 years later.

To make matters worse, Liam had caused it, but he was the one out of the 3 of them that had lived the best life afterwards, and suddenly, Niall understood where Louis was coming from even better than before. For Niall it was different, but putting himself into Louis’ shoes…

God, he would have punched Liam at that party too, even if it was irrational and long in the past and CLEARLY had not happened for no reason. But still.

At the same time, there was a voice in Niall’s head telling him that if Louis despised Liam so much for all of it, it also meant that Louis would have preferred had Liam not lied. Had he not done what he had to get medical care for Niall. Had he not tried to get back to him.

Louis was implying that he would have preferred had Niall just died if that meant he would have not been dragged into this by Liam.

The feelings resulting from that were… not great, to put it in a nice way. 

“After last night I’m pretty sure he’d be even less willing to talk to me anyways.” Liam explained slowly, and it was only now that Niall really took in his appearance.

He saw that Liam had gotten hurt, and suddenly he felt really bad that he hadn’t even mentioned it before, or asked how he was feeling. Of course it did not look that terrible at all, but still, Niall should have asked, should have not just dismissed it and turned it all into a joke once Liam had arrived before.

God, how much more could Niall mess up in a single night, anyways?

“Um… “ Niall started, but then he remained quiet, staring at his own hands as he played with the bandage around one of them. What now? They had talked, Niall had stupidly kissed Liam like a horny teenager and now? “Maybe… maybe we should just decide to never talk about today ever again.”

“Niall-“

“No, really. For what? I mean… we talked, I had a weird reaction and… and now it’s all said and done and- I’m really sorry. For Louis reacting the way he did and that this happened to you, because of me, and that I puked into Zayn’s building and for- you know.” The stupid kiss. “And that I went home with Harry although I don’t even remember that, but-“

“Why would you be sorry for that?” Liam seemed confused, but Niall didn’t care, he could have just kept on apologizing for it, for his entire existence at this point.

“Because he helped me out and didn’t let you come over, but he’s your friend and your cousin and I got in the middle of that, and even worse, he knows Louis because of me and-“

“Harry is his own person.” Liam interrupted, and it was true, but Niall still felt terrible. “Also, he didn’t meet Louis because of you, they simply ran into each other at your workplace. You never introduced them. And even if you had, whatever they have going on, or HAD, it’s got nothing to do with you.”

“I don’t know where they stand, I didn’t wanna keep asking… “ Niall had asked Harry way too much already. Then again, they had also talked about other things after a while, and it had kinda been nice because Niall didn’t really know anyone like Harry. “But, um… I’m still sorry.”

“You don’t have to b-“

“But I am.” Niall interrupted, feeling a little frustrated for a second, but he forced himself to calm down. This was not Liam’s fault, it was entirely his own. “Can we forget about it? Today, I mean?”

Liam was quiet, and when their eyes met, Niall KNEW that they were thinking the exact same thing, probably reliving the kiss in their minds and Niall cringed hard just at the memory. This was surely the most embarrassing shit he had ever pulled, he would never stop regretting it.

It was also a punch in the gut too, because no matter how much he had known that Liam would never feel the same for him, it still hurt to get confirmation. Sure, Niall wasn’t like, deadly in love with him, but it was also… a bit more than a crush, for sure. How could it have not been though, with them being together 24/7, and Liam treating him the way he did, holding his hand and letting him sleep in his bed?!

Anyone would have fallen for him in Niall’s position. Sure, the situation when they had been children had been very different and Niall had obviously been like a younger brother to Liam, but it was so many years later, they were adults, and they had not grown up together or anything.

So it wasn’t weird, right? Maybe for Liam, but definitely not for Niall. He did not see a brother in Liam, at ALL, he saw one in Louis, but this was very different.

Sadly, he was pretty sure that Liam still saw a small boy whenever he looked at Niall, and it was obvious to see in the things he did, how he treated him. But it was fine, Niall could live with an unrequited crush or whatever it was, he’d get over it, eventually. Right? He’d move into his own place one day and then… it’d be alright.

“Maybe we should talk about… before.” Liam finally said, and Niall’s cheeks turned hot on an instant.

“For what? I just- I wasn’t thinking, I was… emotional.” Niall told him, and it wasn’t a lie, but also really did not mean anything.

They both knew this made ZERO sense, who the fuck went and kissed somebody like that, just because they heard some shocking news? No one, and Niall was truly fucked.

“I know, but… “ Liam was obviously not comfortable talking about this either, which was a bit of a relief, but also not. It meant he had truly hated every second of it, did it not? “Ni, if… you know, if you wanna… talk about anything… “

For a moment right there, Niall almost wanted to say yes, just tell Liam the truth and try to move on, but his voice seemed to have gotten lost, so he just stood there for a moment, with his mouth slightly opened before he closed it once more. No, he would never bring these words over his lips, ESPECIALLY not with the way things were right now. He’d rather die, actually.

“No, there’s really nothing, I- I know what it seemed like, but, um, I don’t, uh- I don’t- I don’t feel that way. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, sorry, I really did it without thinking.” A sad excuse, but what else would Niall have said?! “There’s nothing else to say.”

“Are you sure?” God, why could he not see that Niall wanted to literally murder himself on the spot?

“I’m sure.” Niall promised, even though he wasn’t sure about anything at all anymore. “I’m really sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize.” Liam would have been rich by now, had he gotten a pound whenever he said those words to Niall specifically. “If you change your mind… “

“I know. But there’s really nothing else to say.” Funny, Niall would have almost believed himself. Maybe he would, if he kept saying it a few more times? 

“Okay.” No idea if Liam was just giving in or giving up, Niall didn’t care, his head was spinning a bit thinking about this entire day, all those things he had heard that he had never even wanted to know. He was also still worried about last night, and that he had let a bit TOO loose talking to Harry, but he couldn’t take it back now.

Besides… it had felt like a relief, somehow, to be talking to someone on the outside, kind of, someone who knew Louis too and Liam as well, someone who liked them both. No idea how Louis had managed to convince someone like Harry to deal with all of his bullshit, but somehow he had. 

Niall was a bit afraid of what would happen if Harry decided to end it, because Louis had seemed pretty desperate asking Niall to get Harry to contact him, the complete opposite of what he had been trying to achieve of course. Also, should Niall have apologized to Louis? Asked how he was? Then again, Louis had started the fight, so it was really his fault.

And it was true what everyone said, what had happened between Louis and Liam, it was really none of Niall’s business, or his fault. Sure, it involved him, but… not by choice and he couldn’t even actively remember anything that had happened that night, only fragments.

“Are you hungry?” Liam asked out of nowhere, and Niall simply nodded, though he really was not hungry at all. Whatever, at least eating would keep him distracted, and maybe save him from more uncomfortable questions.

Did Liam really believe him? Or was he just too nice to keep asking? Niall was pretty sure it was the second, but for his own sake and pride, he told himself he was just a really good liar. To be fair, he already felt pathetic about his life in general, and the fact that he had to live here, rent free, and that Liam was paying for his food, so if the older man now also felt pity for him for crushing on him… it wouldn’t change much, would it?

The thought somehow did not make Niall feel better at all, but worse. Great.

They somehow went back to normal, with both their efforts involved. Niall did disappear to the bathroom for quite a while, telling Liam to order him whatever food because he was so hungry he didn’t care. Of course that had been a mistake because now he would have to eat a lot and Liam would probably order too much, but… whatever.

It was so stupid, how they really tried to pretend that today and last night had never even happened, Niall truly hated himself for even suggesting to just ignore it all, but then again… there was nothing more to say, was there?

It was all out there, except his feelings, but to be honest… they weren’t even really any of Liam’s business, even if they involved him.

“I’m glad you and Harry get along.” Liam suddenly said a while later, after they had already finished their food and were watching a stupid show on TV as they had many times before. Niall was keeping more distance tonight though, and he hated having gone back to this, but he would have also felt weird sitting closer.

Or worse… putting his head on Liam’s shoulder like he had done before. Even hugging him would have felt inappropriate, considering what had happened, and it gave him a shiver, but he tried to ignore it.

“Yeah… I like him.” It was really easy to talk to him, which Niall appreciated, but wasn’t going to say. He knew Liam wanted him to tell him what they had talked about, but Niall didn’t feel like it. Plus, Harry had shared those things with him in private, if he had wanted to tell Liam, he would have, right?

Also… there was the thing with Will that Niall did not want Liam to know about either, or the fact that he had spilled Louis’ secrets to Harry as well. Things that Liam probably didn’t even know, because from where? Louis would have ripped Niall’s head off had he told Liam about his sleeping issues, and having one person in on the secret was already nerve wrecking.

Harry could keep his mouth shut though, right?

“Did you exchange numbers?” The older man asked casually, and Niall hesitated before he nodded. Harry had told him to just call or text if he ever needed anything, privately or anything to do with Harry’s job, and Niall hoped he wouldn’t have to take him up on the offer, but he had really appreciated it. 

Then they were silent again, the TV was really loud and Niall got lost in thoughts, only really coming back to reality when Liam said something about brushing his teeth and being tired. They had no dishes to clean because they had eaten out of the container, so Niall remained on the couch, waiting for Liam to be done in the bathroom before going inside himself.

He took longer than he normally would have, brushing his teeth so thoroughly that he was spitting blood afterwards and only then did he leave. The TV was turned off, and there were no lights anywhere in Liam’s apartment except his bedroom. Niall had no choice but to go sleep with him in his bed again, he really did not.

And it wasn’t like he didn’t want to, just… he knew it wasn’t smart. With their physical boundaries becoming less over time, so had Niall’s boundaries inside his head. Maybe he would have not allowed himself to fall for Liam at all had they not started to become so close.

Niall didn’t really look at Liam as he closed the bedroom door and went to lie in bed next to him, pretending to do something on his phone for a bit. 

They were so messed up for all of this.

“Are you tired?” Liam asked quietly and Niall let his phone drop onto his chest, blinking against the ceiling light. Was he?

“A bit.” He lied, but not fully, because he couldn’t even tell. He was too aware of Liam lying next to him, on the same mattress, with the knowledge of how his lips felt against Niall’s. “You?”

“A bit.” Liam echoed, and Niall didn’t know what else to say and he hated himself for it. He hated what had happened, that they had talked, that he had no self control, that it had all come to this.

Sure, they’d get over it eventually, act more normal around one another again, but then something else would happen, Niall wouldn’t be able to control himself again, and then what? Were they just gonna keep going like this?

Liam turned the lights off eventually, and Niall put away his phone without checking the time, because he actually didn’t care. He had no new messages, and so he was left wondering if Harry and Louis had managed to figure their shit out. He highly doubted it, Harry had sounded pretty done with him today, but, for selfish reasons, Niall hoped he would get over it.

A relationship with a normal person was maybe Louis’ only way out of this, it surely was not through a talk with Liam, that was for certain now.

“I really wanted to keep texting you all day.” The older man spoke into the darkness suddenly, neither of them having even tried to fall asleep, apparently. “I’m sorry all of this happened last night, and that I disappeared and left you with Zayn’s friend.”

“Why did you?” He had never answered that question before, had he?

“I just thought it’d be good if you talked to other people too, we really are together most of the time, and not that I don’t enjoy it, I don’t need lots of people around me, but… I thought maybe you’d wanna spend a couple hours talking to someone else. Especially since you’re on break.” If he only knew…

“Oh.” Was all Niall said, and it made sense, and the explanation was surprisingly easy as well. It just sucked that it had led to what it had. Then again… it was possible things would have turned out this way either way, only then Niall would have been sober and probably gotten in the middle of their fight, so… maybe, as strange as it sounded, it HAD been better this way. “Well… I don’t remember most of it, so… I was just wondering where you went.”

“Sorry.” Liam told him again, moving a bit, and if Niall had not known better, he would have said the man moved closer for some reason. “… was he really flirting with you?”

“What, that guy? Yeah. He was really weird, though. And he regularly buys drugs from Louis, apparently.” Well, he hadn’t said that, but Niall was pretty certain about it. “… does Zayn take drugs?”

“I highly doubt it. They probably just know the same people.” It seemed kinda likely, but Niall could hear the worries in Liam’s voice and he really got it. Zayn and Louis might have even gotten along quite well, for all Niall knew, but it wouldn’t have been a good idea. Especially not considering this whole mess, and Harry. “Zayn doesn’t know Louis personally, that’s for sure.”

“Yeah… I mean, now he does.” And he had seen the worst of him too, perfect. “… does he know that Louis is my friend?”

“I mean… he does now, because… he asked a lot of questions last night.” Oh. So Niall could never look Zayn in the eyes anymore, even less than he could have after puking right outside his front door. “I just talked about myself though and… you know, the situation. No details or… things like that.”

“It’s fine. He’s your friend.” If Niall had had any good friends, he might have told them too, but all the people he knew knew Louis as well or they would have not cared about his problems like that. Kinda sad to think about, but it really was what it was at this point. “Harry knows a lot too, so… “

“Yeah… “ There it was again, the unspoken words between them, of what Niall and Harry had talked about. Not that it was so interesting, but Niall still didn’t wanna talk about it.

So instead, he let out a really loud yawn.

“We should sleep.” Liam decided immediately, for which Niall was very glad, letting his eyes fall closed though he was sure he’d be awake for a while longer anyways. There was just too much on his mind still.

They fell into silence again, Niall really thought that the older man had fallen asleep or something, but then he suddenly moved again.

“Niall?” It was very quiet, as if he wasn’t sure if the younger boy was still awake. Honestly, Niall wished he weren’t awake anymore, not because of Liam saying his name, but because he felt like getting some sleep and not having to think would have truly been a relief at this point. 

“Hm?” Niall made instead, a little nervous but also deciding that it was not worth it anymore. He had already messed it all up, why did it still matter?

“I just wanted to say that… “ Liam started, clearing his throat quietly. “I really meant it, and I still do, when I say that you can talk to me about anything. No matter what. I really am happy to have you here, and the only thing I want is for you to be happy. What happened last night was… it shouldn’t have happened. I’m sorry you’re in the middle of this, again, and that… that I made us talk about the past. I know you didn’t want me to tell you and I should have respected that, I just… I wanted you to know, I didn’t know what Louis had told you, so… but I understand that you were trying to move past it, and that I made that a lot more difficult than it had to be. And I know that we both know that Louis isn’t angry at me for no reason. I really did do what he accuses me of, but I would still do it again, even if I wish I could have left him out of this. He was like my brother too, back then, and I wish I could help him now, but… I know he wouldn’t want me to. And if I were him… I would hate me too.”

“It was an unfortunate situation… especially because we were all kids and… yeah, I kinda started to tell myself that Louis had made it all up, because, uh, I wanted you to have done none of these things, for him to just be wrong, but at the same time… I know you did it for me, and it was so long ago and we were so young and… it’s fine. I’m kinda glad you told me, honestly… at least now I know Louis didn’t lie to me about that.” About other things, but Niall had never believed those, not really. He knew that Liam had loved him after all, he had never truly doubted that. “He, uh… by being so angry with you, he does kinda imply that he wishes you would have just let me die, but-“

“Ni, he doesn’t. Louis is just really upset and he has every right to be, his life took the worst turn after we were both gone and I can’t even imagine what he went through… he needs someone to blame, and that is me. And he’s right too, because I did do this. At the same time, I know that it doesn’t mean that he wishes I would have let you die.” But how could Liam have known?

“Me and him weren’t really that close though, back then… I mean, we were, but not like you and I, or you and him. I guess I can’t even be mad about it either, nothing would have changed for him had I not made it that night.” Louis might have actually had a good life, who knows? “We only got close five years ago, and only because we were both struggling… “

“Whatever it was, I know he would never wish for that, okay? He loves you, Niall, it’s very obvious. He would have killed Will had you asked him to.” God, did Liam really have to mention that name now?

Niall’s phone seemed to be glowing on the bedside table, with the unanswered messages from the man that Niall had stupidly showed Harry. Why had he done that? What if Harry told Liam? Should Niall have told Liam? And why did he even hesitate to do so in the first place?!

“I know… “ Niall mumbled, not really wanting to talk about it anymore. They were going in circles, as usual, because this situation could not be solved by talking. Also not by doing. Actually, it couldn’t be solved at all, which was depressing, but also… the truth. “I think I’ll really try to sleep now.”

“Okay… “ Liam agreed immediately, his voice a lot softer now, and Niall flinched a little bit when the older man suddenly found his good hand in the darkness, squeezing his fingers, holding on unnecessarily long. “Can you promise me just one more thing?”

“Hm… depends.” Niall answered carefully, and the older man let out a quiet laugh. He was still holding Niall’s hand for some reason. 

“Just… don’t run off in the middle of the night, okay? Not tonight and… not any night. Please.” To be fair, Niall had thought about it, so he understood Liam’s worries and he felt bad, too.

“I promise… “ He gave back, though he wasn’t sure if he could really promise that. For tonight at least, he was definitely not planning on leaving.

“Thank you.” Liam gave his fingers one last squeeze before letting go, and Niall missed the feeling of his skin against his own the moment he had retracted his hand.

Didn’t help that he dreamed about kissing Liam again that night after he finally managed to fall asleep after what felt like hours.

\-----------------------------

“Why are you not telling me? Is it a secret?” Liam couldn’t help the sarcasm, he knew that he was starting to sound desperate, but he didn’t even care anymore.

“No, but why do you need to know? It’s none of your business, Li.” Harry sounded really amused, so much so that Liam was certain that he enjoyed this.

It was Monday, the 4th of January, and Niall was at work so Liam had met up with Harry because he knew he also had a few days off of work still. The other man had not sounded so thrilled about Liam’s idea, which had hurt at first, but he had then told him a very believable excuse as to why he couldn’t stay too long.

“Just ask Niall, then, if you’re that curious.” Harry continued and Liam sighed as he thought about it.

He really did not know what to do about this whole situation. The weekend had been fine, he had woken up with Niall draped around him like a koala and it had been nice, but he had moved away before the boy had woken because he knew he would have been embarrassed. They had danced around each other for a bit, but by Saturday night, Liam felt like things were going back to normal.

At least on the outside, because inside, Liam was a freaking wreck.

“No.” Liam gave back, swallowing as Harry straight out laughed at him. “It’s really not funny.”

“It is, because you’re so desperate for it when we really didn’t talk about anything important. Like, at all. Trust me, it’s not even worth breaking your head over it, and I forgot half of it as well.” Why did it sound like he was lying? “How’d it go this weekend?”

“Alright.” Liam shrugged, emptying his cup. They were at this café because Harry hadn’t wanted him to come over, claiming his place was a mess, which sounded fake, but Liam got it. He had also not wanted Harry to come over to his place after all. “I still feel bad about it all… I’ve not talked to Zayn since then, I kinda think he hates me now.”

“Finally something him and I can agree on.” Harry laughed and Liam glared at him, but his friend just shrugged. “I’m kidding. I had a great time with Niall, he’s easy to talk to. We talked a whole lot, actually, the entire day long and-”

“Okay, I got it, can you please stop?” He was again implying that they had talked about important things, but Liam was really starting to doubt it.

Also the more he pushed it, he could feel that Harry was making a game out of it. And he also knew that there was no use, that neither Harry nor Niall would ever tell him if they had really talked about anything important. And quite frankly, it really was not any of Liam’s business, at ALL, if it hadn’t been for the fact that Niall had literally KISSED him.

Like… where had that come from? Had he meant it? Because his excuse had surely not been believable, in any way at all, and Liam didn’t know what to do about it. He knew the boy didn’t wanna talk about it, that he was embarrassed, but… had he meant it? Did he really… what if he had feelings for Liam, what then?

Liam had thought about it all weekend, had analyzed Niall’s behavior towards him, but just this morning Niall had finally hugged him again as if nothing had ever happened. Maybe he had really just been so shocked that- but no, that made no sense, at all.

There had to have been a reason why he had kissed Liam, and Liam knew that Niall would never tell him.

“You seem tense.” Harry noted after a moment, and Liam snapped out of his thoughts. “What happened when you got back?”

“We just talked.” Liam shrugged, not sure why he told his friend now when Harry refused to tell him anything as well. Then again… Liam had kinda asked him to hang out just for that reason, to get some advice, kind of. But for that to happen he would have actually had to say things that had meaning. 

“Okay.” The other man nodded, not pushing, but for once, Liam really wanted him to.

There were so many unspoken words between them now, it felt a bit uncomfortable almost. Liam wanted to change that, but he didn’t know how, or where to start. It had been easier with Zayn somehow, when he had gotten him caught up a couple days ago, in the middle of the bloody night, but with Harry it was different, because he was personally involved.

And Liam had no idea where Harry and Louis even stood, how much Louis had told him and whose side he was really on. Not that there were sides to pick, just… it was frustrating. And after Liam had told Niall about the past, unknowingly confirmed to him that Louis had never lied to him, that Liam had really done such unthinkable things, Liam felt terrible for them, even more so than the past few years. He had kinda suppressed it, really, had told himself that he couldn’t change it anymore, that he had done it for Niall and would do it again.

While that was true, Liam was still aware of what he had caused, that he had made Louis’ life an actual living hell with his actions. If Harry had known, he would have surely hated Liam for it too.

Who wouldn’t? The story was honestly insane the longer Liam thought about it, so he tried not to.

“Umm… something happened.” Liam told Harry eventually, licking his lips nervously. He shouldn’t be telling Harry this, especially not now that Harry and Niall had exchanged numbers and had spent time together. But Liam HAD to tell someone.

“What?” The other man asked, sounding more curious now and Liam sighed, looking down at the table between them, trying to sort out his thoughts.

Was he really going to say that? Like, really?

“Well… “ He started, already feeling guilty about it. “We kinda… we had a bit of an emotional talk, about, you know, what happened that day we last saw each other when we were kids and, uh… Niall suddenly… he, uh…“

“He what?” Harry kept pushing, much more like him than the silence from before.

“He… “ Liam tried again, having to stop, but then he just said. “He kissed me. Afterwards. Like… on the lips.”

“Oh.” Harry sounded surprised, and he looked like it too when Liam stared at him. 

“I was really shocked and- I mean, I pushed him off. I mean, not PUSHED him off, just- you know. And he was really embarrassed, and he told me he didn’t mean to, and that he was just shocked by what I had told him and that he has no feelings for me or anything, just- I don’t know.” Did Liam know anything anymore other than that he had to go back to work in a couple days and that he had no idea how to concentrate on other people’s problems when he had so many of his own?

“So you didn’t talk about it anymore after he said that?” Harry had pulled up his eyebrows, and Liam just shook his head, no. Niall had clearly not wanted to talk about it, not about this or anything else, he had asked Liam to just forget about it after all. To be fair, what more was there to say, really? “You think he was lying?”

“I don’t think anything, I just think it was a strange reaction. If you told me something really shocking right now, I wouldn’t get up and kiss you.” It sounded like a joke, but it wasn’t, because the situation was really, bloody weird. Even more so now that Liam had said it out loud. “But we didn’t talk about any of it over the weekend, Niall asked me to just pretend that New Year’s and the day after never happened, so… that’s what we’re doing now. Pretending it never happened.”

“Sounds like the two of you at least have your poor coping mechanisms in line with each other.” Okay, did Harry really feel the need to joke around now?! “Sooo… you’re really just ignoring it happened?”

“I mean, what else am I gonna do about it?” Seriously? He couldn’t FORCE Niall to talk, he had already forced him to talk about the past, and that had caused this situation in the first place. “If he… if he actually had feelings for m- but that’s ridiculous, he doesn’t. We were always like brothers.”

“Were.” Harry repeated the word, and Liam was just confused. “18 years passed, Liam. Eighteen. He’s 24, you’re 29, and you never saw each other during that time, so-“

“I know that.” What was he even implying? 

“Then why are you acting as if it’s impossible that he would have feelings for you, just because you were like a bigger brother to him, when he was 6? He probably can’t even remember half of that.” Fair enough, just… “Also, you guys literally sleep in the same bed.”

“Did he tell you that?” Now Liam was offended.

“No? YOU told me that, on Christmas.” Oh, right. Shit. “Seriously, why are you even reacting that way whenever I mention it? If you guys are like brothers, why can’t you share a bed and have it be normal?”

“It IS normal. And I only have one bed, and the couch sucks.” Liam tried to defend himself, but he didn’t really know what for. It made no difference anyways, did it?

“I’m just saying. Niall probably can’t really remember the time where he saw you as his bigger brother, you’re both adults, he seems to look up to you a lot, you’re not bad looking, you’re very sweet to him and you get along really well. Plus, you sleep in the same bed and do god knows what else together, I don’t wanna know. You’re together 24/7. Why would you be so shocked if he developed feelings for you?” Yeah… wait.

“Did he… did he tell you that he-“

“No. And if he had, I wouldn’t tell you.” Harry cut him off immediately and Liam slumped back against his chair. This was leading nowhere, again. “What about you?”

“What about me?” Liam was confused, again.

“Do YOU see him as your younger brother?” He had asked this question already, also on Christmas, but Liam still didn’t know the answer.

So he stayed quiet for a bit, tried to think it through, but he didn’t really come to much of a conclusion. “I don’t know. Not like before, that’s for sure. It’s just… I know he’s an adult, but he really needs my help, too, even if he’d never admit it. I like to help him, so… and I like having him around. It’s nicer than living on my own.”

“Remember when I asked you to be roommates and you said you needed alone time and peace and quiet and then you only gave me a key after months because you thought I’d-“

“We really don’t have to talk about this again.” Liam interrupted immediately, but his friend just laughed. “If you were gonna ask if I have feelings for him. I don’t.”

“You could have just said that.” Harry shrugged, taking a sip from his tea. “So, where’s the problem?”

“I mean, it’s kinda obvious.” Was it not?!

“How? He kissed you, he might have feelings for you. And? If you already know you wouldn’t want anything more from him, just try to not make him false hopes if he really feels that way. Set boundaries. And if he’s not really into you then he won’t even notice anyways.” It sounded simple, but also ridiculous at the same time.

“What boundaries?” Seriously? Was Harry losing the plot?

“No idea, I’m not there when you guys are alone. Thank god for that.” What was that supposed to mean? “Just try not to break his heart, Liam. In case he really does like you like that.”

“You’re making it sound as if I’d do it on purpose. Also, I really don’t think that he likes me that way, it was probably really just the shock. Maybe he just felt like, uh, trying it. For some reason. Distraction, maybe.” Hopefully.

“If you say so.” Again, Harry simply shrugged, but then he suddenly got more serious again a second later. “What about this Will?”

“What about him?” Immediately, Liam looked up, not having expected to hear this name right now, out of Harry’s mouth. Niall must have talked about him with Harry, there was no way Harry would have randomly thought about him NOW, during THIS conversation. Had he told him that he had come to his work place? Or… what if he had told Harry everything?

And more than he had told Liam?

“Just asking. That’s his ex, right?” Wait…

“Not really. Did he say that?” Had he? He had surely never called him that in front of Liam. Liam knew what they had done together, that it had sort of been a relationship, but very one-sided, very much focused on just sex. And of course… all the horrible things Will had done.

“No.” Harry was too good a liar, so Liam never knew if he was telling the truth or not. “I’m just wondering. I don’t know what happened between them or why Louis wanted to literally slit his throat, but… if we’re talking about Niall’s feelings for anyone, it kinda seems like that guy would be worth mentioning too.”

“Niall never had any feelings for Will. He needed a place to stay, and Will knew that and… took advantage.” And Liam wasn’t going to say anything else, because THAT was not his story to tell. 

“Okay.” Right, he was thinking things he didn’t wanna share with Liam and it made Liam more than just nervous. What the hell had Niall told Harry? Did Harry know more than Liam did?! God, this was going to drive him insane. “If I say one thing, can you just not ask me about it and just take it as advice or whatever? It’s for everyone’s good.”

“Umm… okay?” Liam’s heart was speeding up a bit, also because his friend suddenly seemed to take a deep breath, as if he actually didn’t wanna have to say this at all. He probably didn’t.

“If it turns out Niall has feelings for you, or if you guys get into a fight, or anything happens that might prompt him to leave. Don’t let him.” Well, Liam wasn’t planning on it, but why did Harry sound so serious saying it, anyway? 

“… he wouldn’t go back to Will.” Would he?

“I hope not. That’s what I gave him my number for.” Oh. “Look, I don’t know more than you, or some secret or whatever. I’m just… worried. Niall seems really fragile and unstable, no offense, but it’s the way it is. And with the thing you’ve got going on with Louis… it’s all a bit much.”

“Have you talked to Louis?” Liam finally asked, trying not think about the fact that apparently his cousin thought that he was shit at helping Niall. Maybe he was. 

“No.” Was all Harry said, no hesitation, and Liam believed him this time. “I have nothing to say. And he’s too proud to give in first, so I guess we’re just gonna be playing this game for a while until I either give in or we forget about each other.”

“How can you say this so calmly?” Maybe he really had no feelings for Louis?

“What am I supposed to do about it? He obviously needs help, I know he’s involved in some shady business, he literally beat you up a couple days ago and he keeps dragging me along to parties and clubs I actually don’t wanna go to. Maybe it’s for the best this way.” Harry shrugged, again looking very unphased, but Liam was certain that he wasn’t. Just good at overplaying it, or maybe too messed up inside from his last relationship.

Liam wished he could have helped, but he had no idea how. Quite frankly, he also thought Louis would have been a terrible choice for Harry. Or anyone. But he was also very biased. And he was still stuck trying to figure out if Niall had feelings for him or not.

The mere idea sounded like an illusion, honestly. It couldn’t be right.

“Do you also want something else?” When Harry got up, it was clear that this conversation was over, and Liam wondered since when his cousin was the kinda person to just stop asking until he had squeezed every last bit of information out of Liam.

He seemed tired and stressed, worried, and Liam knew it was because he had been dragged into this mess. He knew it wasn’t his fault, but now he understood why Niall had told him he was sorry for Harry and Louis meeting. 

Liam was sorry about it, too, even though neither him nor Niall had had a part in how that had turned out.

\------------------------

Niall was relieved once his shift was over, but he also wasn’t sure how he felt about Liam picking him up. He really liked the fact that Liam always drove him around, always made sure he was on time and all those things. The problem was, Niall liked it too much.

The older man was already there, parked on the other side of the street as Niall locked up the store, already feeling cold as he waited for a couple cars to drive by before he could cross the street.

“Hi. Thanks for picking me up.” Niall always thanked him, even as Liam rolled his eyes at him, as usual, but there was also a smile on his lips. “It’s so cold outside, I almost died and I was only outside for like, half a minute.”

“I went for a run today, I think I got frostbites.” Liam laughed, but Niall kinda had a feeling that he meant it. Maybe that was why he had turned the heating up like that. “How was work?”

“Boring. The usual.” Niall shrugged as he put on his seat belt. He had kinda planned on hugging Liam hello, but the moment had already passed and it was fine. Right? It was all good, it was just a stupid crush, just because they spent so much time together and because Liam was the only person ever that treated Niall the way he did, that was all. “What did you do today?”

“Not much. I saw Harry for a bit, went on a jog, cleaned the apartment.” God, hopefully Harry had kept his mouth shut. Niall thought it was a pretty safe bet though, the man did not strike him as the kinda person to spill someone else’s secrets, he just really wanted to know them. “I was thinking… “

“About what?” Niall was slightly confused when Liam pulled out of his parking spot, distracted for a moment.

“We should do something tonight, we both got tomorrow off.” Wait, what?

“I’m not going out drinking with you.” Niall told him immediately, probably sounding so shocked that Liam laughed. “It’s because of me, not you, because of-“

“I know, it just sounded very offensive.” Liam was still chuckling while Niall’s face was on fire. Great. “No, I thought we should, like, watch a movie or something. Not on the couch this time.”

“Okay. Yeah, we could do that.” Niall wasn’t THAT thrilled, but also not against it. “That’d be fun.”

“We can also get tattoos and piercings, whatever you prefer.” Liam joked, and now it was Niall’s turn to laugh because it had come out of nowhere.

“You and tattoos?” He asked, because he really could not imagine it. “They’d fire you.”

“They wouldn’t. It’s not like I’d get it on my forehead or something.” Why was he thinking about where to get it now?!

“Louis always tried to make me get one with him, but they’re so expensive. And I don’t know anything I’d permanently want on my body.” Even if, Niall could have not afforded it, so whatever. “I do have my ears pierced already though, it barely hurt, maybe you should try that.”

“I think I’ll pass. Have you really had them pierced though? I never noticed.” Somehow, Niall felt disappointed for a second, because Liam had basically told him he had never looked at him closely, then he remembered that the holes had almost closed and he hadn’t put anything in them in years.

Also that he really should not be disappointed by that.

“Maybe a movie is the best choice, though. And some food.” Liam decided for them after a second, and Niall quickly agreed. Was it stupid that he was nervous now? Then again, he would have been nervous being alone with Liam either way.

Whenever they were in public together, Niall felt paranoia creeping at the back of his mind, telling him to watch out in case he saw Louis or Will, or someone who knew them both, or maybe even worse, his mother.

No idea why Niall was so terrified by the thought, but he just was. He didn’t want Liam to have to be confronted with any of these people, not again. Also, he didn’t want to talk to any of these people right now, not in Liam’s presence anyways. 

They kept a steady stream of conversation, as if things were normal again, Liam put his arm around Niall’s shoulders as they were walking, all casual, except for the fact that Niall’s heart was beating twice as fast as it should have. The older man luckily did not know that.

They just got some fast food, and Niall got Liam to buy him ice cream too by staring at it a bit too long. He really shouldn’t have, but it had not been on purpose and he wasn’t going to say NO, to ice cream. Duh.

“Okay, what are we watching?” There were too many movies on the display above their heads, the cinema was just too big and Niall had no idea what he actually wanted to watch.

“You can pick, I don’t mind what it is.” Niall shrugged, eyeing the popcorn in the meantime.

“What if I pick a really gross one?” Liam asked, jokingly.

“I wouldn’t care, honestly. I’m good with anything.” Was he, though? Well, he was about to find out. “Just not a drama, please.”

“Why?” The older man asked, and right before Niall could have told him that his whole life felt like too much a drama already, he luckily managed to bite his tongue and shrug. “Okay, I think I got one. Do you really not mind what it is?”

“Nope. Don’t tell me though, I want it to be a surprise.” Niall joked, but also, he didn’t wanna know because he didn’t wanna regret letting Liam choose.

He let Liam pay for the tickets without trying to protest more than once. Partly because he knew Liam would not give in, partly because the girl selling them the tickets was probably starting to think they were a couple or on a date and Niall’s cheeks were glowing even though it would have not made a difference either way.

Somehow he managed to let Liam let him pay for his own popcorn, but the older man did buy him something to drink and other snacks, so it was like… a bit like a joke, really.

Doing normal things like that almost felt weird, like, hanging out as friends, or whatever they were at this point. Niall enjoyed it a lot, he wished it could have always been like that, and maybe, if more time passed and nothing else would happen… maybe it could stay like that forever.

And then eventually he could get over his stupid crush, and not sit in the cinema next to Liam getting goosebumps whenever their arms brushed or wishing he could have held his hand. Wishing they could have shared their popcorn so that their fingers would have occasionally, ACCIDENTALLY, brushed. Or that Liam could have picked the most boring movie in the world, to give Niall an excuse to put his head on his shoulder and fake sleep.

God… when had Niall gotten so pathetic? 

Liam had picked some action movie, not too exciting, but also not boring. Definitely not creepy enough for Niall to grab his hand or arm and blame it on being scared. Really, it was like he had purposely chosen the kinda movie that destroyed every single one of Niall’s plans.

Which was, of course, ridiculous. Also, Niall should have been happy, because pining for Liam was not getting him anywhere at all, and Liam wouldn’t suddenly remember that he was not actually his little brother if their fingers brushed, so there was that.

“That movie was… kinda boring.” Niall admitted once they were walking back to the car, and he felt a bit bad about it, but then again, was he lying?

“Next time you can choose instead of me.” Liam laughed, and Niall joined, but only for a moment before the cold wind outside hit him right in the face. It was pitch black outside as well and Niall hadn’t realized how tired he was until now.

“Where did you park the car again?” He asked the older man quickly, who was apparently unphased by the weather. 

“Uh, the other side of the- you should wait inside.” Liam had noticed rather quickly that Niall had wrapped his arms around himself, trying to save whatever warmth he had left. So basically, none at all. 

“No, it’s fine, it’s not that far.” Or was it? Niall had forgotten about it, he had been busy dealing with his mind as they had gotten out of the car before.

At least that was something the movie had been good for, it had given Niall time to just overthink without Liam interrupting his thoughts. To be fair, he had still been a distraction with his sheer presence, and Niall wondered when exactly he had become so damn obsessed with Liam.

He had been fine before Christmas, even after, and he might have stared at Liam for too long at times, because he was nice to look at, but after New Year’s Eve, and especially after this stupid ass kiss… Niall had caused this himself, had he not? 

And now-

“Then at least take my jacket.” Liam was already taking it off before Niall could protest, holding it open for Niall to slip over his own. Wait-

“No, Li, seriously, you’re gonna freeze to d-“

“We’ll walk a maximum of a minute.” The older man interrupted, shaking the jacket, as if he was getting impatient, now only in a hoodie. “If we don’t get going soon though I might really die though. C’mon.”

“Okay, okay… thank you.” Niall’s cheeks would have turned red had they not already been red from the cold as he slipped on Liam’s jacket, letting the older man pull up the zipper for him too. It fit over his own just fine, Liam was bigger than him and his jacket was definitely not his size either. 

“Let’s go.” Liam put an arm around him to top it all off, pulling him in close and Niall was having the worst heart palpitations of his life.

The jacket was warm, and Liam’s scent stuck on it was VERY hard to ignore as well. Plus, he was also physically close and, oh- maybe Niall wasn’t actually feeling that cold, to be fair. Also, it really only took them a minute to get to the car.

Liam immediately turned up the heating to a max once they were inside, checking multiple times on the way home whether Niall was still cold, whether the movie had really been that bad and whether Niall was still hungry, telling him that he’d be happy to buy him more food on the way home. Honestly, the amount of extra attention and questions started to suddenly feel weird to Niall, but he decided not to worry too much.

It was quite obvious that Liam was desperate to move on from what had happened, force things to go back to their old normal as quickly as somehow possible, hence him doing all of this tonight. Who was Niall to say no to that? It was what he wanted too, forget about the party, the fight, about Will, their entire past and most of all, the fucking kiss.

This would haunt Niall for the rest of his life, wouldn’t it?

“I think if the movie did something good, at least it made me tired.” Niall had to seriously yawn once they got home and he could finally take off those layers of jackets. He had started to feel hot literally 5 seconds after getting onto the car, but somehow, he had quite enjoyed Liam worrying about him, so he hadn’t said anything.

Yes, he was going insane. Yes, there was no point, and yes, he was setting himself up for further heartbreak. He really didn’t care right now.

“I thought you just said in the car it wasn’t half bad.” Liam complained and Niall laughed at him, kicking off his shoes before wandering off to the bedroom.

“I said, I’ve seen worse.” And he had, so it wasn’t a lie.

Niall was too tired to go brush his teeth now, or to do anything at all except stripping his clothes and putting on more comfortable ones before crawling right into bed, collapsing more in the middle than on _his_ side, but whatever.

“Are you okay?” Liam had followed him, looking something between amused and worried as he stood in the doorframe, watching Niall trying to cover himself with his blanket with as little movement as possible.

“Now I am.” The younger boy promised once he had finally settled down, and it was true. At least as okay as anyone in his position could have been. 

“Before you fall asleep, remember to brush your teeth.” As if.

“Tomorrow morning.” Niall promised, tucking his arm over his eyes to block out the light, give Liam a hint to turn it off for him. “Thanks for today.”

“What do you mean?” Liam asked, all innocently, as if he didn’t know what Niall meant. This was not normal for them to do, go out and stuff, but whatever, Niall would just let it slip because he wanted it too and was hoping that Liam would wanna continue as well. “Are you still cold? I can turn on the heater.”

“Hmm… a bit. But I’m good, Li. Thanks.” Niall wasn’t feeling cold, at all, but there was a plan forming in his mind that he felt so pathetic about that he wanted to cry.

He didn’t, he just forced himself to stay awake long enough for Liam to come into bed as well before deciding that he had already thrown his dignity and pride overboard anyways. Plus, he could blame it on his tiredness and being cold as he immediately moved closer towards the older man, until he could throw an arm around him and press his face against his shoulder.

Much better.

“I thought you were already asleep.” Liam chuckled a bit, he had obviously been trying to be dead quiet the past few minutes moving around, probably realizing it had been for nothing,

“No, I waited for you… “ Niall mumbled into his shirt, feeling himself relax as Liam petted his head with his free hand. If he wanted to treat him like a little boy, then he could, Niall could still pick out those things he enjoyed, right? “It is kinda cold in here…”

“I can still turn on the h-“

“No, stay.” Niall tightened his grip, and Liam gave in immediately, not moving a single muscle anymore. “… what are we doing tomorrow? Since we have nothing to do?”

“I, uh… I’ve not got anything planned. I’m open to suggestions.” He sounded happy, and Niall knew he was, he knew Liam was relieved that he was acting this way towards him, affectionate and clingy, and Niall felt slightly bad because it meant different things to them, but it was like…

If they both enjoyed it, even if for different reasons, why hold back? They had slept in a bed before Niall had realized he had feelings for Liam, so…

“Hmm… I need to sleep over it.” The younger boy decided, actually getting REALLY tired because having Liam so close was making him even more sleepy. 

“Then sleep.” Liam told him gently, and Niall thought _I’m trying to_ , but the older man’s fingers evenly brushing through his hair were rather distracting. 

It was weird, because a part of Niall regretted the kiss so much he wanted to crawl into a hole and stay there forever, never facing the world again just to get rid of all these stupid problems, but another part of him was glad.

Glad that he had really just gone ahead and fucked it all up, because now that he knew he could definitely not sink any lower, now that he KNEW he had no chance with Liam anyways, it was suddenly easier to just do what he wanted. 

It was something Niall had figured out today at work, and during the movie too, when he had had hours to overthink their entire situation, everything that had happened and all the things that would probably happen in the future. What if he decided to just not care anymore? Just do what he wanted, let Liam take care of everything like he seemed to desperately want to anyways?

If he wanted to baby Niall so much in order to somehow try and make up for a past that wasn’t even his fault, Niall would let him. It wasn’t the kinda love he wanted deep down, but giving control to Liam seemed easier than breaking his own head over what to do.

It meant he would never have to even just glance at another text from Will, it meant he could stay out entirely from whatever Liam and Louis had going on, and it also meant he could stop being afraid of the future, at least to a certain degree. He did trust Liam enough to keep his promises, he knew he would have kept them back then, too, if he had had the chance.

Liam had literally sacrificed everything for Niall, even his only other friend. And as terrible as all of that had been, one thing Niall knew for sure – that Liam had done it all for him, and he’d do it again, and really, what more could Niall have wanted?

Asking for more would have just been greedy. At least that’s how Niall finally managed to shut up his mind that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again early, because i WILL pass out any second lmao, hope you guys enjoy it!! i know i owe you all the fluff, so this is the beginning of it! there will be more drama to come though, so ;) just saying!
> 
> i hope you had a good week + weekend! my laptop broke saturday morning during class, and while its working fine now im afraid it will soon just shut off rip, so thats been stressing me out all weekend :p i hope you had some time to relax & de-stress if i couldnt! and that the corona situation in your country is better than here and that youre all doing fine in general!
> 
> thank you for all the support <3


	14. Chapter 14

_Boundaries…_

How the fuck was Liam going to have boundaries with Niall, when technically, according to the boy, nothing at all was even going on? When he had apparently really just kissed Liam out of… surprise? Shock? Something in between? 

Liam had definitely thought about what Harry had said before picking Niall up from work last night, but then he had promptly decided to ignore his friend’s advice completely and instead focus on trying to repair his and Niall’s friendship.

Or whatever they were at this point.

Niall had acted completely normal, they hadn’t talked about what had happened anymore and Liam felt like maybe the boy had been telling the truth after all. He was also currently draped all over Liam, still asleep, while the older man tried to come to terms with the fact that he would never be able to install fucking _boundaries_ when they shared the same bed every night.

Honestly, Harry was probably really wrong anyways, why would Niall have feelings for Liam? It wasn’t a secret that he liked them being physical, and while they had been holding back for a few days, that distance had clearly gone out of the window again. 

But it wasn’t because he LIKED Liam like that, right? It was because he felt comfortable with Liam and because of their shared past and the fact that the older man was taking care of him and because he had felt very lonely during the past few years. Right?

Plus, normally Niall would have moved away immediately upon waking up, but Liam was startled upon realizing that the boy must have woken up a while ago as Liam had still just been lying there, thinking.

“Hmm… what’re you doing?” Niall’s voice sounded sleepy, but he was most definitely awake, not moving.

Liam’s hand in the boy’s hair froze for a moment, but then he continued playing with it as he had done for probably the past ten minutes. It had been automatic, while he had been stuck in thoughts. “Nothing. Sorry if I woke you.”

“You didn’t…” Niall mumbled back, remaining just where he was, with his head on Liam’s chest, his arm a heavy weight across the older’s torso. If Niall suddenly felt even more comfortable doing these things compared to before, then there really was NO way that Harry was right about this. 

Liam should just stop worrying about it, they had enough going on as it was. Well, not actively, but in the background, and it wasn’t like they could do anything about it either, but still. Things could have been better.

“Did you sleep over what you wanna do today?” Liam asked after a moment, knowing it was a dumb question.

“’m not even fully awake, Li… give me a second.” The boy snorted , STILL remaining in his position, not at all freaked out, apparently. So why had he been any other time before that? “Maybe I don’t wanna do anything at all, actually. Maybe I just wanna keep on lying here.”

“We could.” They definitely could, even though Liam would probably have back pains by the end of today. “But I don’t know how we’re gonna be able to sleep tonight then.”

“We just don’t, we’ll pull an all nighter.” Was he being serious right now? “I’m a pro at it, especially with the new semester starting and me already being behind.”

“How are you already behind?” Did Liam have to be concerned?

“I gotta re-take that exam and shit.” Oh, right. In the light of recent events, Liam had almost forgotten that Niall even WAS still at university. “Also, I gotta get started with my thesis soon, it’s my last semester before I supposedly graduate.”

“Right… what do you mean, _supposedly?_ You are.” Liam tried to give him confidence, but Niall only laughed at him.

“Things could happen, I don’t know. I could never actually imagine myself getting this far in the first place… also, I’m not even sure what I’m gonna do with my degree. Everyone keeps saying I’ll need a Master’s degree too, but I would actually rather die and then what would the point have been to go to uni at all?” Fair enough. “Maybe I’ll just work in that store until the end of time after all.”

“Niall, you will be fine. No one has things figured out right before they graduate.” Liam kinda had had, but he was obviously not going to say that. Plus, he had switched his job fairly quickly as well, so there was that. “You will be fine. I can proof read your thesis and stuff, help you study, and you can stay here for as long as you want.”

“Thank you… “ The boy half whispered after a moment, and Liam let his hand drop to his shoulder instead, squeezing him a bit. Niall was so warm against him, it almost felt a bit too hot underneath the blanket, but Liam didn’t move. “I feel like I should say I won’t and that I don’t wanna bother you by being here, but I feel like I’ve said that too many times before and we’d just be going in circles.”

“We would. And you already know what my answer would be, and I stand by that because it’s true.” Niall could have never been a bother, not in a billion years, but it still pained Liam a bit that he seemed to think that way. “We should rather talk about what we’re gonna do today for real.”

“Hmm, maybe … how late is it?” Niall asked, and Liam had to stretch a bit to reach his phone on the night stand. 

“Almost 10 in the morning.” He told the younger boy after checking, Niall not having loosened his grip around him since he had woken up. 

“Wow, that’s basically still night time considering we both have nowhere to be.” The boy joked and Liam was amused to hear him laughing over his own joke. Somehow, Niall seemed to be in a brilliant, fun, mood, and Liam had no idea why considering the past few days, but of course he’d take that any day. “Can’t believe you made me get up this early. On my last day off.”

“You can go back to sleep if you want. I thought you said I didn’t wake y-“

“I’m just kidding, Li. I’m fine, just sleepy. I’m still not sure if I wanna get up though, you’re a really comfortable pillow.” He sounded so confident saying this, but at the same time it was confusing the hell out of Liam because just a week ago he would have freaked out about them waking up like this. He had freaked out at Liam’s aunt’s house over Christmas as well, so this was like… a whole 180 turn of events.

Especially considering what had happened between them.

“I kinda have to use the bathroom.” Liam told him, and it was true, but not urgent, and he felt stupid for having said it just to get Niall’s reaction.

For a moment, Liam wondered if Niall would whine about it, ask him to stay, or if he’d just let go of him and let him go, and he had no idea what conclusions he would have drawn in either case, but Niall did neither of these things anyways.

“Go, then. If you can.” Niall was only laughing at him, apparently challenging him to get out of his grip, and it would have been fairly easy, had Liam really needed to go so badly, but he kinda… didn’t actually want to. This was nice.

“I’m a bit too tired to walk still.” He lied, and Niall just made some sound of agreement before they fell into silence.

A few times Liam wondered if Niall had fallen back asleep, but he didn’t say his name just in case. Also because he didn’t know what to say, so he just played with the sleeve of Niall’s shirt, that was probably his though, and thought about the fact that they were in bed together, somehow having ended up sharing a blanket too, and the way the younger boy felt against him.

If Liam closed his eyes too, he could suddenly imagine what it had been like all those years back, and it felt different of course, but it also took him back in time a little.

Of course those times were over, and they’d never be back, which was a good thing, but it also caused Liam’s throat to get tight as he thought about all those years where Niall had had no there to ever hold him. Or, well, not like this, anyways, in a platonic way. Almost like family.

He had never had a family at all, never experienced that, and if Liam thought about everything he had learned during his time at university, he was sometimes surprised that Niall wasn’t doing much worse. Maybe he was just more resilient, maybe because he had been so young and had been able to forget… but no, his life was still far from perfect, and it had barely been a bit over 2 months since they had met in Liam’s office.

Which was crazy to think about, because Liam felt like it had been at least a year ago.

“Now I gotta pee.” Niall got up all off a sudden, completely unpromoted, climbing over Liam in the least graceful way and simply taking off to go leave the room and go to the bathroom.

Okay?

Liam was confused, but he brushed it off, a little bit relieved that that meant he could get up too. When he saw a message from Harry on his phone as he checked the time again, he once again thought about the fact that he was doing the complete opposite from setting boundaries.

But for what? They were doing fine, and Harry was wrong.

Because Niall took a while in the bathroom as he also had to brush his tooth extra well because of last night apparently, Liam simply decided to get started on making breakfast, taking his time because they had nowhere to be, and it didn’t seem as if Niall would actually wanna leave the apartment. Not that Liam wanted to either.

“So you were just waiting for me to finally get up and let you go, huh?” Niall joked as he came out of the bathroom, and Liam handed him the cooking spoon as he approached.

“I just got hungry. Here, don’t let it burn.” He left Niall in charge as he went to the bathroom himself, trying to be quick because Niall was not very gifted in the kitchen. Like, at all.

It was fine though, it made Liam laugh a lot and he liked cooking for the boy, or baking him stuff, it was very rewarding, almost like feeding a not very picky child. Of course completely different, but Liam had never really known that he would enjoy caring for somebody this way. He cared about people, that was his job, and he really wanted to help if he could, but this was something else.

And that was also why he thought Niall probably felt the same, in a platonic kinda way, as if he was still Liam’s little brother and just enjoying the attention, being taken care of. It HAD to be that.

“I’m impressed.” Liam told him as he came back and the kitchen hadn’t gone up in flames. Yet. 

“You were literally gone for 2 minutes. Not even.” Niall rolled his eyes, immediately giving the spoon back and Liam laughed as the boy pulled himself up on the kitchen counter to just watch him.

“I take it as in you don’t wanna help today?” He teased, because just a little bit ago Niall had been so embarrassed about Liam making him food all the time, he had done absolutely anything at all that could have been of help. Now, not so much.

“I think we both know you don’t actually need my help. And that I’m normally more in the way.” Well… “I think I’m helping more just watching.”

“It’s only scrambled eggs anyways. But you could make tea, if you want to.” It didn’t look like it.

Niall seemed to think about it for a moment, and then his cheeks turned a bit red, but it didn’t match the smirk on his lips or the way his voice sounded. “I kinda don’t, actually.”

Though Liam laughed, he wondered what this was. Was Niall just testing how far he could go by acting as if he was completely at home here, as if he wasn’t still embarrassed about it all? Well, Liam wouldn’t be unhappy about that, he was just hoping that Niall truly felt like he didn’t actually need to help at all, and that he knew that Liam was really glad to have him here and do these things for him.

One thing was for sure, Liam would definitely not ask him about it. Ever.

Niall did end up helping, but he was doing the bare minimum, which was fine because there was not a lot to do anyways. He was on his phone for a bit before they ate, clearly texting someone, and Liam always had to remind himself it was none of his business whenever he did that.

It's just, there were so many possibilities and things could have easily gone downhill again any moment, so Liam felt a bit anxious about it. He didn’t let it show though, and Niall simply put his phone away after a moment and started rambling, talking about uni and his new classes and Liam was more than happy to discuss it in way more more depth than necessary.

“Do you wanna go anywhere?” By the time they were finished with breakfast, and Niall was actually helping to do the dishes like he normally did, it was almost 12 in the afternoon because they had gotten caught up talking and then Niall had started to eat _again_ and yeah.

It was fine though, Liam enjoyed whenever they had time to do nothing at all. He would have to go back to reality tomorrow anyways, being able to ignore it for a while longer was more than welcome.

“We could go on a walk or something… I mean, it’s probably ice cold and chances are we’re gonna die, but seeing as I have an 8 am tomorrow that might not be the worst thing that could happen.” Niall sighed and Liam felt sympathy, even though that meant they could go to uni together and he literally always had to get up this early anyways. 

“We don’t have to go on a walk.” Normally, Liam would have probably gone on a jog, but he kinda didn’t feel like doing that either. Plus, he didn’t wanna leave Niall alone here with nothing to do, not wanting the younger boy to think he didn’t wanna hang out with him today. 

“Or we go and then maybe afterwards I’ll be more motivated to maybe even look at the reading I probably have to do this weekend.” Niall sighed, he still seemed to be in a somewhat good mood, but it was slowly fading and Liam was kinda desperate to change that.

“Let’s go on a walk and I’ll make you back to uni cookies after.” It was a little bit of a joke, but also not really.

“You’re making me what?” Niall laughed, putting the last dish into the shelf after drying it.

“Cookies, because you’re going back to uni. Like, instead of back to school, y’know?” Liam kinda regretted having said that, because he was like 150% sure no one had ever gotten or made Niall anything for back to school when he had been a child, but it didn’t seem to affect the boy at all.

“You don’t have to. But I would definitely not say no, even though I feel like I’m 9 years old right now.” Niall was laughing again though, and his face had lightened up and Liam felt happiness pool in his stomach as he watched him.

Sometimes it was really easy to make Niall happy, with the smallest and most normal things, and though it also made Liam quite sad because he knew why that was, it also made him wanna do these things even more. If he could have somehow managed, he would have tried to always keep Niall this happy, make him forget about the past and everything that was going on.

He knew it was impossible, but it was a nice thought nevertheless.

Niall had been right, it really was ice cold outside, and they only walked for like 40 minutes before coming back and Niall went under the shower straight away because he claimed he’d never feel warm again otherwise.

Liam had made him wear a bunch of clothes, and he had also kept his arm somewhere around Niall during the whole walk to try and warm him up, maybe also himself, but it hadn’t really worked that well, apparently. To be fair, it was snowing and it had been absolutely terrible and Liam had wanted to turn around after 2 minutes, so they had lasted quite long considering that.

“Are you really making me cookies?” Niall’s voice sounded surprised, but also very excited when he finally exited the bathroom after showering for ages. It was fine though, Liam wouldn’t want him to get sick, he had simply already started to keep his promise in the meantime. 

“’course. I promised, didn’t I?” He turned around briefly, taking in Niall’s messy, wet hair, the hoodie that was too big on him because it was Liam’s, his own sweatpants. He looked tired now, but also very content and Liam smiled as he watched the boy sit down on one of the bar stools to keep him company. It was a bit like having a child with him sometimes, but also completely different at the same time. “Any requests?”

“Umm… chocolate?” Niall asked, hopeful, and Liam just laughed, but he felt fondness spread throughout his entire body as he agreed. “I’ll get my laptop and pretend to be your DJ to keep you entertained, okay?”

So that’s what he did, and Liam was highly amused though the kind of music they listened to was very different. He really liked Niall talking about other aspects of it though, like production things and whatnot, and though Liam didn’t understand half of it and was also trying not to mess up these cookies, he was most definitely entertained. 

Honestly, he kinda forgot about his worries from this morning, even as Niall came over at some point to make him watch some video on his phone and he stayed leaned into Liam’s side the entire time, so close that they were touching through all of it.

This was just them though, this was fine, there was absolutely no need to try and keep boundaries between them if they both enjoyed this. 

And if Niall wanted to go and hug Liam for like a minute straight to thank him for the cookies afterwards, then Liam was more than willing to hug him back for just as long as he wanted to hold on.

\-----------------------------

Niall’s plan was working perfectly well. 

If he’d just manage to lock away all his doubts and worries and just did whatever the hell he truly wanted, ignoring all the consequences and the toll this would take on his feelings and emotions, then he’d be perfectly okay. 

Sure, Liam had stayed in bed with him to cuddle and made him cookies as if Niall was his child or something, but they both got something out of it, so why the hell not? Clearly, it didn’t bother Liam at all to do these things, and at least that was one good thing that had come out of all of this, the fact that Niall had realized that he probably really was not a bother to Liam.

In fact, even if Liam was just trying to get over the guilt from all those years ago and not for him personally, he’d still want Niall to stay, right? Right.

“This is so boring.” Niall complained halfway into the show they were watching on the couch. He had already eaten WAY too many of those cookies, and he had his legs draped over Liam’s lap without ever having asking if it was okay so he could half lie down.

Liam hadn’t seemed to mind for just a single second, had simply adjusted and rested his arms on top of Niall’s legs. Good. Niall had never realized before with how much he could have gotten away all this time, wearing Liam’s clothes without asking, touching him the whole time and being annoyingly clingy, complaining about things he should have really not complained about.

In fact, Liam seemed to enjoy it, too. Or maybe he was just glad Niall was acting so carefree, that seemed more likely, honestly.

“You picked it.” Liam told him with a smirk on his lips and Niall huffed. “We can turn it off.”

“No, leave it, maybe it’ll get better. And I also didn’t see anything I wanted to watch instead anyways… do you think it’s good?” Seriously, whatever Liam said now basically did not matter, because Niall knew he had also enjoyed the movie from last night so his opinion was irrelevant.

“It’s alright.” The older man shrugged, then his eyes shifted to the plate Niall had placed on his chest with all the remaining cookies. “You’re gonna make yourself sick, Nialler.”

“I won’t, I’m perfectly fine.” Just to prove a point, Niall started to eat more cookies even though he hadn’t even felt like it, just to make Liam laugh. It was stupid how much he was enjoying it.

They did end up watching the whole thing and Niall hated it even more after it was over. He also felt not that great after having finished almost all of the cookies, and because of that, but also because he was cold and somehow tired from not doing anything the entire day, he decided to change his position.

Niall put the plate on the coffee table, not paying attention to the TV now and whatever Liam had put on this time, hesitating for a moment before moving his legs. For the split of a second, Niall considered not doing it, thought about why he would do this in the first place, but then he thought, why not? He wanted to, and he was a bit curious to see Liam’s reaction, too.

Still, Niall moved slowly, not hesitating though before half falling into Liam’s side, probably crushing his arm against his body just so he could put his head on his shoulder and pretty much lie on top of him. Much better.

As expected, Liam adjusted, let him do it without complaining, without even being surprised. At least, that’s what it seemed like.

He did move his arm out from between them, but only to loosely let it fall around Niall’s shoulders. See? How was Niall ever going to be okay with the fact that he knew Liam would never return his feelings? When they would do things like that, and Niall had to pretend it didn’t affect him? That he was just feeling clingy or something?

This was ridiculous, and yet Niall couldn’t stop.

His heart was beating rather fast at first, feeling the warmth of Liam’s body even through the hoodie, and his pants where he had rested his elbow, the weight of the older’s arm around his shoulders and his breath against his scalp whenever Liam moved a bit.

He smelled good too, like the shower gel Niall had been stealing for a while now, but also like himself, a scent Niall had quickly started to associate with feeling at ease, and safe. Because that was what Liam was to him, he was a safe place, maybe the only person in this world that Niall would have truly trusted to never do anything to hurt him.

Niall didn’t count the fact that it did hurt to know about the fact that he would never actually get what he wanted from Liam, but since Liam obviously had no idea about it… that wasn’t his fault.

They watched TV like this for a while, although Niall wouldn’t call it _watching_ because he was doing anything besides that. He was basically just trying to capture the moment, the way Liam felt against him, his fingers randomly playing with Niall’s hair sometimes, brushing his bare skin, and it was so fucking stupid, but Niall closed his eyes and pretended for a while that things were the way he would have them if he had had a choice. 

Which he didn’t, and life was already better than it had been three months ago, so Niall couldn’t complain at all, actually. He still was, in his head at least.

At some point, he saw his phone light up on the coffee table, and somehow he really did not want to move to look at it, but then he still did. Luckily, Liam stayed where he was and Niall could just fall back into his arm.

He did regret checking the message right in front of Liam though, but thinking about it, Niall had been stupid to do it anyways because this could have ended much worse if Will had decided to text him now.

Niall should have really blocked his ass, but somehow, he hadn’t.

_Harry 16:55  
Just wanted to check if you’re doing alright. Everything I said the other day still stands_

Great.

Liam did not say anything, but Niall knew he had read the whole message over his shoulder, probably had done it automatically because it was basically as if Niall was parading his phone right in front of him considering the position they were in.

So he had to clear his throat, and explain, before the older man would start thinking that Niall and Harry were hiding secrets from him. They kind of were, but it was like… Niall was pretty sure Liam would have not wanted to know any of these things in the first place.

Still, he felt guilty, because Harry was Liam’s friend, his cousin even, and he and Niall barely knew each other yet Harry was checking up on HIM. Then again, after last Friday, Niall kinda felt like he knew Harry pretty well for some reason.

“Harry is really nice.” Niall started, trying to sound casual. “He just texted me asking if I was alright.”

“Yeah?” Liam asked, as if he hadn’t seen the message.

“Yeah. He told me if I ever needed anything I could call him… and he offered to talk to Louis if, you know… if something happens again.” Kind of a lie, but not really. Harry HAD said he could talk to Louis before dropping Niall off here, but it had been obvious he would have rather avoided it and Niall would have never asked that of him.

Especially not seeing where Harry and Louis stood at the moment.

“He told me yesterday that he and Louis haven’t talked since the party.” Oh.

“I wouldn’t talk to Louis ever again if I were Harry.” Niall told Liam truthfully and he meant it, then he locked his phone without replying. He’d do that later, not in front of Liam, and maybe this was suspicious but… it was too late. “He cares a lot about Louis though, and it was obvious he wanted to help him, just… no one knows how. I tried too many times as well.”

“He needs professional help.” Liam said it just like that, and Niall could hear it in his voice that he had gotten a bit more reserved after seeing the message Harry had sent to Niall. The younger boy couldn’t blame him.

He knew what it looked like to Liam, and the thing was, he wasn’t entirely wrong. Harry and Niall had talked a lot, Harry knew about the messages Will had sent Niall on New Year’s and the day after, he knew too much about Louis now as well and worst of all, he had figured out Niall’s crush so easily that Niall wondered how Liam had not. 

Maybe he just didn’t wanna see it. And it was better this way anyways, was it not? Because there was nothing either of them could have done about it, except keep their distance, of course. Niall rather wanted this from Liam though, than nothing at all.

“I told him that, too.” Niall sighed, closing his eyes for a moment, letting himself fall back more into Liam and he was pleased when the older man tightened his arm around him in return. So he wasn’t mad. “… anyways, there’s nothing we can do.”

Liam seemed to agree with him on that because he didn’t answer, and Niall honestly thought they would just both ignore that this conversation had ever happened, but he was proven wrong. “You know… maybe it would have not been the worst if the police had actually found drugs at Louis’ place.”

“Wait, what?” Had he just really-

“I mean, if they had found out he was dealing, that would have ended bad, but… could’ve been he’d be forced into going into rehab or something. He’d never go by himself.” He was right, but at the same time…

“Yeah, but they would have definitely found out he was dealing and locked him up, and he would have possibly had to go to rehab too and get sober, but… I feel like he’s had enough trauma to last a lifetime. Or several.” Also, what did Liam suggest, that they call the cops on Louis? Or go there themselves? Get Will to do it? He probably would have, had Niall asked him, but Niall was pretending he didn’t even exist anymore, which was hard, but the fact that it was hard only made him hate himself and try even harder to erase the man from his memory. “… maybe Harry really is his only chance. A normal relationship, with someone normal. He’s never had anyone like Harry.”

“It’s just… I’m not sure I want Harry dragged into this even deeper… like, to a point of no return.” And he probably also did not want Louis in the family, and Niall felt his stomach drop a bit, but he really, honestly, got it.

It was a bit like a punch in the face, if he thought about the fact that Louis meant so much to him but nothing at all to Liam. He knew Liam would have done anything for him, but also that this Louis-issue was something that would always stand between them, especially after the party.

And Niall felt guilty on both sides, but again, it was out of his hands completely, and he knew that the other men both knew that and that at least Liam would have never held it against him. It was just… nerve-wrecking. 

So that’s why Niall promptly decided to cuddle further into Liam, put his head on his chest and just try to forget about it all, be present in the moment instead and not think about how his life was falling apart, still.

He would soon graduate, but it felt pointless because where would he even work? He had no savings whatsoever. He also could definitely not stay with Liam infinitely even if Liam would have let him, because one, it would have wrecked Niall’s heart to the point of no return, and two, it was just unrealistic. The only man that seemed to have ever truly loved him had also abused him, physically and mentally. And the one person who had cared for Niall for the past five years probably hated him right now. Also-

“You okay?” Liam asked, as if he could read Niall’s mind, and his voice was a lot softer now, and quieter, as he played with Niall’s hair, brushing his bare skin and giving the boy a thousand tingles. Amazing.

“I’m good. Just thinking.” Niall told him honestly, forcing his voice to be somewhat normal. It was a little bit hard to pretend that this was okay, but since Niall couldn’t change it, he might as well try to just get over it and live with it. “Can we watch something else?”

“Sure. What do you wanna watch?” Liam seemed very willing to switch to something else, and Niall was just relieved that he didn’t ask any more questions, never commented Niall now basically lying on top of him.

At some point, watching TV got boring as hell and they talked through it, about normal things this time, and then Niall hinted a few too many times that he was actually getting really hungry despite all those cookies and Liam let him order whatever he wanted off of his phone.

Normally, Niall might have tried to put up at least a little bit of a fight, but he didn’t tonight, didn’t give any voice to the worries inside of him about Liam always paying for both their food. Then again, his fridge was also quite empty, so they were kinda forced to order in anyways.

“The delivery guy could just move in here, honestly. He just greeted me by my first name.” Liam commented after the food had arrived and Niall was starving for some reason.

“We don’t even order food that often.” Niall tried to talk it better, but there really was no use. 

“We kinda do. I never used to before, you’re a bad influence on me.” The older man joked, and Niall saw that it had slipped out and that he regretted saying it, so he decided to just brush it off.

“I think you mean I’m a great influence because the food from this place is really good and you might have never tasted it if it hadn’t been for me.” Good enough, right? 

“You’re right. Thank you so much, Nialler.” Liam laughed and Niall pretended to be really proud of himself, still thanking Liam though as he handed him his box. In the back of his head, Niall made a mental note to complain next time about wanting to learn how to cook, just so they’d order in less.

They again ate out of the boxes the food had come in, with which Niall was really content because he had washed too many dishes today already. He also sat on the floor this time, somewhere in front of Liam, deciding to give him a break from his clingy ass. Not his fault Liam never told him no though, was it?

The food was good, but Niall still felt like throwing up a bit after because he had probably consumed around 10 thousand calories that day. Not that he truly cared, tomorrow he had to go back to uni and he also had work this week and god knows what else would happen, he deserved to eat whatever he wanted, and whenever.

Niall volunteered to take the trash out, which Liam found highly amusing, probably mostly because Niall instantly pulled a face as he stepped outside the front door and the older man saw it. Whatever.

Niall kinda ran back up because it was so cool and dark outside, which freaked him out just the tiniest bit, but he took enough time to briefly text Harry back, tell him he was doing okay, thanking him again. When he entered the apartment, Liam was on the phone too, and Niall had no idea what it was about, or who it was, but he decided to ignore it and instead make himself some hot chocolate.

He knew Liam had only bought the hot chocolate for him even though he kept denying it, but fact of the matter was, he had never had any himself, and he kept reminding Niall that it was there, so Niall didn’t feel weird about just taking it.

“… hmm, yeah, I don’t know… I mean, if you-… probably… “ The conversation sounded boring, and Niall assumed that maybe it was one of his parents, the thought making him feel weird, or a colleague or something. But then… “Listen, uh… I actually wanted to apologize again. For the party, I-… yeah. I was going to call you or something, but I thought maybe you wanted to not think about my existence for a bit… yeah, I know… trust me, even if you DID invite me again-“

Liam was actually laughing a lot during the conversation, and Niall knew by now that it was Zayn. A new wave of guilt swapped over him as he remembered that he had never asked Liam about this again, if he and Zayn were on good terms, if his wounds were still hurting. They looked to have healed, but still.

Niall should have asked, and he hadn’t, and if he did it now, it would sound forced. Which it would have been, because he had clearly simply forgotten about it.

He had also NEVER asked Louis whether he had gotten hurt, and if he thought about it, Niall hadn’t talked to Louis at all. He should have, but what would he have said? Lately it seemed they were growing apart more and more, this whole situation standing between them, and all the things they had usually done together were habits Niall was trying to get rid of completely.

There was never just a day where he could normally hang out with Louis, not without weed or alcohol, not even at normal hours. He wondered how Harry had put up with this for even just a day, let alone weeks.

Because Liam was still on the phone, Niall actually ended up drinking the entire hot chocolate while still standing in the kitchen before walking back to the couch.

Liam was now talking to Zayn about one of his jobs and Niall didn’t wanna be annoying, but he also wasn’t thinking as he lied down with his head on Liam’s lap, not being able to see the TV anymore but he didn’t need to. He basically just ended up playing games on his phone, and when that got too boring, Niall dropped the device on his chest, closing his eyes.

It was kinda nice, just listening to Liam ramble about things on the phone, the man’s free arm casually around Niall’s stomach and Niall feeling a bit sleepy after all this food.

Sure, he could have gotten ready for bed, but he would have had to go there without Liam and Niall wanted to avoid that at all costs. 

“… Niall?” Liam’s voice was only a whisper, but it startled Niall a little, not enough as to where he would have opened his eyes though. He must have actually drifted off, because Liam wasn’t on the phone anymore, and the TV was mute.

“Hm?” Was all Niall made, turning over onto his side out of tiredness, instead pressing his face into Liam’s shirt. Whatever, Liam also had his hand in his hair again and his other one on his hip, so there was that.

“Nothing, sleep.” Liam whispered back and Niall tried, but he wanted to ask something.

“How’s Zayn?” No idea how he actually managed to bring out those words, but he heard Liam’s soft chuckle.

“Good. We’re good.” He answered the question with what Niall had only been implying, and the younger boy just offered a sound of agreement before allowing himself to drift off again, Liam’s thumb rubbing circles into the fabric over his skin, kinda dragging that out for a bit.

It was much, much later that Niall woke up again, only now he was in Liam’s bed and in the moment he didn’t think about how he had gotten there, the fact that the older man must have carried him, he only had one thing on his mind.

“Liam?” Niall wasn’t even actually sure if he was awake, he could barely hear his own voice, blindly petting the sheets next to him.

“’m here, Nialler. Sleep.” The older man ordered gently before petting Niall’s hair but Niall wasn’t even thinking about sleeping before getting what he wanted.

“Cuddle me.” Niall demanded, still so tired that he thought he’d pass out mid-sentence.

Liam didn’t hesitate, which was a relief, he just pulled Niall close, let him put his head on his chest as he wrapped him up in his arms and dropped a kiss on the top of his head. Perfect.

“Now, sleep.” Liam whispered again, his breath hot against Niall’s skin.

“’mkay… “ Was all Niall brought out, and luckily he didn’t think he actually said the _love you_ out loud. Well, even if he had, it was innocent enough because they had said it as children as well.

Did Niall feel embarrassed by his actions the next day? A bit. But would he do it again? Absolutely, at any given moment and at every chance he got.

\--------------------

Liam didn’t know where the following month had gone, but it seemed to pass them by just like that, in the blink of an eye.

It was a stressful time for both of them, maybe that was it. Liam had a lot of students come in overwhelmed from the workload of the new semester, and Niall WAS one of those students, especially being in his last semester and working at the music shop.

They did spend every free minute they had together, naturally, continued to sleep in the same bed, and things that Liam might have raised eyebrows at a while ago suddenly became normal for him. Like the level of physical touch they had achieved at the beginning of February would have surely prompted Harry to feel that his theory had been proven right, but actually, Liam thought it meant the opposite.

If Niall truly had feelings for him, he would have not been acting this way but rather kept his distance, right? It would have only made sense, so Liam quickly forgot about that.

He barely saw Harry and Zayn as they were also very busy, but he did gather enough to know that Harry and Louis seemed to be on speaking terms again, at least according to what Harry had mentioned on the phone when Liam had called him for his birthday a few days ago. Which was more than Niall and Louis were, but it seemed to not bother Niall that much and Liam tried not to be relieved.

For just a bit, they seemed to have left this whole mess in the past and Liam hadn’t heard the name Will in an entire month either, so he was good.

“I’ll see you next week?” Liam said goodbye to the last student leaving his office, luckily pulling the door closed behind himself, giving him a moment to just breathe out harshly, rub his hands over his face.

Listening to other people’s problems all day was a nice distraction from his own, but it was also challenging, mostly mentally, but also physically because Liam’s head felt as if it would explode any second. 

He just sat there for a moment, not thinking about anything at all in an attempt to relax and get ready to leave. Niall had texted him before, telling him he’d come meet him at his office, but he was nowhere to be seen.

Liam slowly packed up his things, answering two more emails before finally deciding that he could not wait for Niall any longer because seeing his office was driving him insane. Besides, he knew where Niall was at this time of day if he wasn’t here already.

The building was pretty much empty by now, only a few offices still in use, and of course, the library. It hadn’t really shocked Liam, but it had still made him sad to hear about how much time Niall had actually spent in that library during his time at university. Not just to study, but because he had been avoiding going back home to Will, or having nowhere to go in general.

Nowadays, Niall was there to actually study and do research, and Liam was very impressed by his work ethic that seemed to have taken a drastic change from before. Of course Liam wasn’t vain enough to think Niall living with him was doing this, but he did feel like it had been Niall’s only chance of getting out of this loop he had been stuck in, finally break those habits tied to Louis and their shared friendship circle.

The library would still be open for a couple hours, but there weren’t many students left, so Liam didn’t have a hard time finding Niall though he was sitting way in the back, with his headphones in, actually typing quite aggressively on his laptop.

It made Liam smile a bit to watch him for just a second, the serious expression on his face as he was writing away. Or maybe playing a game, Liam honestly wasn’t sure.

He tried not to startle the younger boy, but Niall still flinched because he had had his headphones in as well when Liam touched his arm.

“Wha- oh, hi.” There was a smile on his face that came almost instantly and seemingly washed away Liam’s frustrations from this whole day within a second. “Sorry, I got caught up, wasn’t looking at the time.”

“No worries. Are you working on your thesis?” Liam stepped behind him, leaving his hand on the boy’s shoulder as he shook his head.

“No, homework. I thought it’d take me like an hour, but I’ve been here for three. Maybe more.” He sighed, leaning his head against Liam’s arm for a moment. “My brain is fried.”

“C’mon, let’s go home, then.” Liam softly petted the side of his face before letting his arm slip, and he could tell Niall didn’t want him to, but otherwise he’d never pack away his things.

Niall must have been snacking throughout his time here, because he collected all the trash lying on the table after having packed his backpack, and Liam watched with amusement as he struggled to carry it all over to a trashcan.

“It’s not funny. I need food and hydration when I’m working.” The boy mumbled before throwing it all away, a little too loudly and some girl threw a glare at him from another table. Niall rolled his eyes at her.

“How was the banana milk?” Liam teased as they were walking out and he didn’t question Niall walking so close that their arms were constantly brushing. It was usually like this.

“Alright. It did make me feel like a child drinking out of a juice box like that, I still don’t know why you bought it for me.” Niall kept complaining, just like he had a while ago when Liam had gotten a whole package full of it.

“Because you wanted it, you kept staring at it and then you were still talking about it three days after wondering how it would taste.” It was true, no exaggeration, Liam had found it hilarious and endearing at the same time. Like most things having to do with Niall.

“It was just hypothetical, I was wondering if it would taste super artificial or not.” Niall tried to defend himself weakly, but then he seemed to give up. “It was good though.”

“I’m glad.” Liam laughed, ruffling Niall’s hair for a second. “You could try the strawberry o-“

“I’m good. Just now I was thinking I should start to only drink water, it’s so much healthier.” He lied and Liam had to laugh even more from Niall’s serious panic about him buying him more kid sized drinks. “Anyways, how was work?”

“Long.” Liam finally calmed down as they were walking down the empty hallway, their steps loud because of how high the walls were. “I feel bad for everyone that came in today, they were all really nervous.”

“Because you’re so intimidating?” Niall joked and Liam softly pushed him, but it only ended with the younger boy holding onto his arm, way longer than necessary. “I’m sure they felt a lot better leaving.”

“I hope so.” Liam really did. Most of them had wanted to come back, and one of these days, he might just run out of free slots and it was a slight fear of his, because he was already staying longer most days now. “What do you wanna eat?”

“Anything sounds good right now.” The younger boy shrugged, and he only let go of Liam’s arm now, having slipped his hand to the inside of the older’s elbow for a bit, just holding onto him as they had been walking. He had done it many times before, and for longer too, so Liam barely even registered it anymore.

“We could order-“

“No, we still got leftovers, it’d go to waste.” Niall interrupted almost immediately, sounding very serious about it too and Liam wondered when Niall had gotten to know the insides of his fridge better than him. Then again, maybe it wasn’t a surprise, he also opened it a lot more often during the day, and night, than Liam. 

“I don’t know if it’s a lot though.” Liam couldn’t actually recall what it was in the first place, so there was that. 

“I’ll just eat the cake then.” Niall suggested, and before Liam could let it sink in that he probably actually meant it just like he had said, Niall suddenly switched the topic. “My class tomorrow got cancelled.”

“So you have the day off?” Niall’s new schedule this semester was all over the place, and with work too, and though Liam had asked him to print it out for him, Niall had been forgetting about it for 4 weeks straight, so sometimes they ended up missing each other going home. The younger boy didn’t seem to mind at all though, randomly sitting in front of Liam’s office some days, or already lying on the couch when Liam entered the apartment on others.

It was fun, it was like they were college roommates… with only one bed and Liam having long graduated, but whatever.

“I think so… I gotta check again to make sure.” The younger boy seemed unsure, apparently not familiar with his own schedule either and Liam kinda doubted he’d ever be. “I can miss a couple classes anyways, it’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure?” Liam asked carefully, searching for his car keys. Sometimes he wanted to really urge Niall to get his assignments done sooner, and to be on time more, but then he held back because this was none of his business, he wasn’t Niall’s parent.

“Yep, I’m good. If I miss too many on accident though, can you just write me a slip and say I was too stressed to attend?” God, not this again.

“Ni-“

“I’m joking, sorry, that wasn’t funny.” He was still grinning though and Liam rolled his eyes, trying not to smile. Niall had been trying to get him to do it a couple times now, but always in a joking way even though they both knew that he was most definitely being more than serious and just checking if Liam would have actually agreed. Which he would have never, even if he did feel worried at times about Niall’s stress levels.

Sometimes Liam felt like Niall would have truly benefitted from talking to someone though, not Liam, but maybe one of his colleagues. He knew that there was no chance to get Niall to agree though, and even if he had, he could have never been honest with them anyways. 

Of course Liam would have helped him find someone to talk to outside of university, but whenever he even just tried to stir the conversation in that direction, Niall blocked him off immediately, or simply laughed about it. So yeah.

He was clearly not better than Louis in that aspect.

Niall kept talking about how he could skip classes to work on his thesis as they walked, and Liam tried to talk him out of it gently, dropping his keys the moment they stepped outside. Typical.

“I got it.” The younger boy announced, walking that one step back to pick up the keys while Liam had still barely registered what had happened. “Oh-… “

“Did you say something?” Liam hadn’t really been listening, some car had been driving past, and when there was no answer, he turned around to see Niall just standing there with his keys in his hands, looking back inside the building they had just exited. “Niall? Did you see anyone?”

“I, uh… “ The boy started, then he quickly shook his head a couple times. “I just thought I saw something.”

“What?” Liam asked, because this sounded more than just strange, but Niall had already handed him the keys, a forced smile on his lips.

“Nothing, I just thought I saw someone I know. Let’s go.” Alright, this sounded like a lie, 100%, but Liam wasn’t sure if it would have been worth getting onto Niall’s nerves about it.

They had gotten better at communicating over the past few weeks, and a lot closer in general, so Liam kinda felt like Niall would have eventually told him in his own time if it had really been important. A small part inside of him wasn’t that sure though, but he did his best to ignore that.

It was completely dark outside while Liam drove them home, letting Niall handle the music as usual, the heating turned up all the way because it was still freezing cold, would stay that way for a while longer. They barely went outside now, Liam did continue to go for jogs and stuff, but the walks they had gone on a couple times had become unbearable due to the weather.

So naturally they spent even more time at home, pretty much on top of each other, and it might have gotten really annoying with anybody else, but with Niall, Liam was really enjoying it. He had never been the type to constantly need people around, and he had also never felt lonely living alone, but now that Niall was here, it did feel like something had been missing before.

And Liam had made sure to tell Niall that a couple times, just so he knew how welcome he was, in case his doubts would ever get the better of him again. Niall could finally accept it though, or just pretend really well, because Liam couldn’t even remember the last time the boy had mentioned being a bother to Liam or not wanting for him to pay for his food.

“You know, I might have dreamed about us still having leftovers, actually.” Niall only mentioned this when they were literally almost at the front door, and Liam had already unlocked it. Why was he only saying it NOW?!

“Niall?! We drove past so many places-“

“It’s fine, maybe I didn’t. Sorry, I only thought about it now.” He shrugged and Liam sighed, actually not mad at all. They could have ordered in again, to be honest, it had even been his idea in the first place.

Little did they know that none of that would ever happen, at least not that night.

The lights were turned on as they entered, and it took Liam a moment to register that fact, suddenly thinking they had forgotten to turn them off this morning, but then he saw the shoes, and before he had to put two and two together, Harry had already spoken up.

“Since when do you work longer hours than me?” He was lying on the couch with his laptop, and Liam blinked a couple times, trying to recover from his shock.

Harry hadn’t used his keys in… forever. Like, surely the last time had been before Niall had ever stayed with him for the first night.

“I was just- what are you doing?” Liam made some space so Niall could enter as well, the boy clearly just as confused as him. 

“I just thought we could hang out. I even ordered food, the fridge is like, empty. It only just arrived, so you’re lucky. Hi, Nialler.” Niall greeted him too, looking a lot happier about this surprise guest than Liam. Probably because he had seen the food on the coffee table. 

“Why didn’t you text me?” Maybe he had, actually, Liam hadn’t even checked.

“For what? I have a key.” His cousin reminded him, and Liam didn’t know what to say. Normally, this would have not been strange, but after everything that had happened… “How was work? And uni?”

Liam let Niall answer because the boy seemed a lot more eager to talk, and he went to go get some forks instead, only half listening to their conversation. First Niall acting so strangely as they had left uni, now this. And all of that at once after the most stressful day.

“How’s the thesis coming along?” Harry asked as Liam joined them fully, having tried to be quick before Niall would start to eat with his fingers. He had done it before.

“Could be worse. Thanks.” The boy was grinning from ear to ear as Liam handed him a fork, apparently just THAT excited to eat.

In the back of his mind, Liam wondered how often Niall and Harry were texting for Harry to be so in the loop with the boy’s life, but he pushed it away. He liked the fact that they seemed to be friends, even though mostly over text messages.

Still, Liam felt rather strange.

The fact that Harry was here made Liam slightly more aware of how much he and Niall were actually touching the whole time. How Niall never seemed far away from him, his thigh pressing into Liam’s as they were sitting, his hand on his arm at random times or when he was talking to him, his whole body leaning against Liam’s as if he was his actual pillow once he was done eating. 

It had become normal, as had Niall pretty much sleeping on top of Liam at night, or him occasionally holding Liam’s hand, only for a moment. Liam kept brushing it off, returned a lot of the touches and initiated them, and he was aware that HE was the one kissing Niall’s head and forehead on a regular basis.

Now that Harry was here watching them though… Liam kinda got thoughtful again. Was any of this normal? No. But did he actually care? SHOULD he have cared?

Liam had let Niall and Harry do most of the talking, because they were getting along so well anyways, and he needed the time to overthink and also reflect on his day, but when there was a moment of silence, he basically just blurted out with what was on his mind. 

“How’s Louis?” For Liam to be asking this, they all knew he wasn’t actually asking for Louis’ sake, or because he would have cared had he not been well, and Liam regretted it immediately as he felt Niall tensing up against him, staying quiet though.

Harry did roll his eyes a bit, but his expression didn’t get hard, he just sighed instead and Liam knew he had hit a nerve. Something must have happened.

“Funny that you ask… “ Harry started, sounding kind of sarcastic though and Liam was suddenly hyper aware of how Niall was putting almost all of his weight on him by half lying on him like that, head on his chest, almost slipping off of the couch. “That’s actually why I’m here.”

“Because of Louis? Did anything happen?” Niall sounded alarmed and Liam felt a bit worried. Not for Louis, but because he knew it would have affected Niall, especially because he knew the two of them weren’t speaking frequently. That only made it worse though, because Niall obviously felt guilty about it.

“He’s doing fine, don’t worry.” Was all Harry said at first, shrugging. Then he sighed again, not looking at either of them. “Since it was my birthday the other day… “

Oh, this was not leading where Liam would have thought.

“My parents are coming for dinner next weekend.” Okay? “And I wanted the both of you to join as well. Also, you can’t say no because my mother insists on seeing you. Both of you, so don’t even try, Nialler.”

“We’ll come.” Liam answered, forgetting to ask Niall if that was okay in the heat of the moment, because… “What does that have to do with Louis though?”

“Umm… “ Harry cleared his throat, and Liam kinda already knew before he had said it. “I wanted to tell you in person, since we’re always so busy and I didn’t just wanna text it, because- well, anyways. Me and Louis are… dating. Officially. Whatever you wanna call it, so… he will come too.”

There was a weird silence hanging over them after Harry had said it out loud, and Liam truly could have not been more surprised. 

So all the issues they had had over the last few weeks… they were now going to also take over his family life? And all that just because Harry had thought he’d pick up some stupid parcel from the shop Niall worked at that day, at that exact time.

Good thing Liam had long stopped asking himself what the odds of any of this happening had been, because he would have never found a satisfactory answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello :)
> 
> can i just say, sometimes i feel like 10 different people have written this fic because im really writing all these chapters in one go and i am in the weirdest moods sometimes and listening to the biggest variety of songs. this is not the chapter where i listened to the pokemon soundtrack the whole time, but i did that at some point in this fic haha! anyways, i hope you still enjoyed the chapter!
> 
> i feel like this is a filler, but actually not at all because i wanted niall and liam to spend some time alone and grow a lot closer, especially physically, with niall just not caring anymore and getting what he wants. the ending was SO not planned, but i am now laughing at the thought of louis and liam having to pretend to not hate each other over a family dinner and narry freaking out the whole time. i think the next chapter might be a lot of fun, since i havent ever written a longer scene between liam and louis!
> 
> i dont want this fic to be too long, i was thinking maybe 20 chapters, but we will see!
> 
> thank you for the support, have a good week!! <33


	15. Chapter 15

“We might not have time, actually.” Liam said it without thinking, and Harry and Niall laughed, probably thinking it had been a joke, but honestly… it hadn’t been a joke at all. What the hell?

“You already agreed.” Harry reminded him, his face unsure, possibly also a bit flushed, Liam wasn’t really looking, he was a bit more occupied with trying to process what he had just heard.

Harry, his own cousin, _dating_ Louis. The one person in the world that despised Liam more than anyone else ever could have. And now Harry wanted them to have dinner together? When they had LITERALLY just gotten into a physical fight not long ago?

This was insanity, and Harry had to be joking.

“Haz, this is- who invited him?” First of all, why had he let Liam agree to come before telling them, and second of all, did Harry REALLY want his _parents_ to meet Louis?! 

Niall was very quiet throughout the entire conversation, so much so that Liam would have forgotten he was even there had he not constantly been reminded of the boy’s physical presence because he was still almost on top of him. His hand was on Liam’s arm now, but Liam barely registered the touch as he kept staring at his cousin. 

“I did.” Great. Fucking great. “Also, mom asked me to. He was with me when she called on my birthday and I was a bit forced to tell her, but- she never gets to meet anyone I date, so...”

“Because you don’t date. Not officially.” Liam sounded rather dumb saying that, and Harry’s face got a bit harder afterwards. “Harry-“

“What? It’s not your decision, you know? It’s a family dinner for _my_ birthday, I can invite whoever I want.” He was getting upset, Liam could tell and he felt a bit taken aback because it was hard to upset Harry, meaning it meant a whole lot to him. Still, Liam could not just let this go, could he?! “I can also date whoever I want.”

“Yeah, but-“

“There are literally no _buts_ , Liam. Either come or don’t, but don’t be such a dick about it.” Oh. 

“I was just- it came as a surprise.” Liam tried to be calmer, tried to match his heartbeat to the way Niall’s fingers were suddenly brushing evenly over his arm. The older man assumed he did it automatically, maybe out of nervousness, but it kinda helped for some reason. “I don’t wanna ruin your birthday dinner.”

“What, are you gonna jump across the table and stab him?” Harry asked dryly and Niall snorted, but he quickly calmed down again. “Just be civil and ignore him then. It’s not that hard.”

“ _I_ should be civil?! He’s the one who-“

“I already talked to him about it and he said it’s fine and he doesn’t care about you and he just won’t talk to you.” As if.

“Right, because that will be easy to explain to your parents.” And that would not make the dinner awkward at ALL. “Look, I… I don’t wanna ruin this for you. I’m sorry if my reaction was shit, it’s just… a surprise. And I’m happy for you and I want Louis to meet your parents if that’s what you want, so… it should just be the two of you and them.”

“I want you guys to come as well though. You’re also my family, Liam.” The way he said it kinda hurt, but Liam didn’t know what to do and he was terrified of having this end badly. “Just pretend your throat hurts or something so you won’t have to talk too much.”

“Are you being serious right now?” Liam couldn’t tell anymore, he suddenly wished he would have worked even longer today and just fallen asleep on the couch an hour ago just so he could have avoided this situation.

“No. Just be normal, is it really that hard?” Apparently for some people it was. “Louis won’t do anything, he promised me.”

“Because that counts for anything… “ Liam mumbled, regretting it though when Harry glared at him. “I just… this is- I have to think about it.”

“Okay, then think about it but it’s Wednesday and the dinner is on Saturday.” Great. “Just know I’ll probably never talk to you again if you don’t show up.”

“Haz-“

“No, I’m being serious. This is important to me and you’re acting like it’s either a joke or as if I can’t live my life however I want.” Well, he was right, and Liam DID feel bad, but also, could no one see where he was coming from?! “Niall, say something.”

“Wha- what am I supposed to say?” The younger boy was clearly startled at being addressed, and he sat up a bit further, but stayed leaned against Liam. 

“We both want them to get along and just let go of the past. Right?” Harry was talking to Niall now, and Liam felt like those glances between them were a bit intense and if he thought about how often they texted it made him wonder about a couple things but he chose to ignore them. None of his business. 

“Right, but… “ But Niall also knew the entire truth, he knew that Louis would never forgive Liam, he knew what Liam had done. No idea if Harry knew as well, but Liam assumed he must have had at least SOME knowledge of the reason behind this… conflict. Or whatever it was. “… I can’t believe Louis didn’t tell me.”

“I asked him not to. Also… we only talked the night before my birthday.” Okay, Liam didn’t even wanna know any of that. “I promise it’s going to be fine if you guys come.”

“I mean… “ Niall started, and Liam just knew that Niall would be dragging him there anyways, not let it drop until he agreed once Harry had left, so he might as well have just said yes right away. “I do want them to get along… or at least, not be at each other’s throats anymore. I’m not sure if Louis will ever be willing to talk to Liam, or if it’s a good idea, but… if you’re dating him, then you guys are all kind of family, right?”

Could Niall maybe not remind Liam of that? 

For some reason, when Niall said it, his voice sounded really weird, and Liam couldn’t see his face, but the boy retracted his hand from his arm then, sitting up even more straight until he was almost in a normal position again. Almost.

“I wanna come.” Was all Niall said in the end when no one else replied, and when he turned his head around to look at Liam, the older man just had to sigh. He felt a bit cold now that Niall wasn’t leaning on him anymore because he had done it for so long, but they were still so close that their arms and thighs were pressed together. The younger boy looked back to Harry rather quickly. “I’m really happy for you, both of you. Louis is… well, we all know him. He’s not the guy to date someone, so I’m glad he’s got you and I think it will be good for him.”

“Thanks, Nialler.” Harry’s face had gone softer at Niall’s words, and Liam’s would have too, if he hadn’t thought about all the things Niall didn’t say that were on his mind ever since Harry had told them a few minutes ago.

Like, the fact that Louis did not strike Liam as the most faithful person, that he seemed like the type of guy who would dump people over text or just ghost them, that he’d probably use a relationship for his own benefit, considering his legal troubles and Harry being a lawyer and- all those things just made Liam worried. Harry was his cousin, he wanted the best for him, especially after his past experiences with other guys and clearly, Louis was not the best.

He wasn’t even anywhere close, and with all his shady businesses going on and whatnot… did Harry even know the full extent of that? And how much more was there that maybe Liam didn’t even know about? It seemed very risky, and foolish, and also like a heartbreak waiting to happen.

How anyone at all could ever develop feelings for Louis, Liam had no idea. 

“I-“

“Fine, we’ll go.” Liam interrupted Niall by accident, they had just spoken at the same time, but at least it put a smile on the younger’s face. Maybe Liam could just do this for him instead. He was also doing it for Harry, of course, but it felt wrong to be openly happy for him, when Liam was anything besides happy.

How could he have been?

“You don’t have to.” Now Harry was pretending as if he didn’t went them to come, only to make Liam say that he did. 

“I want to. It’s your birthday dinner.” Liam told him, suppressing a sigh and forcing himself to be a bit more cheerful so his apology wouldn’t sound fake. It wasn’t, but he stood by what he thought about Louis and their relationship. “I’m sorry for the way I reacted… I just want you to be happy, Haz. I know my own problems with Louis have nothing to do with you and that I barely know him and I might be misjudging him, so… I won’t cause any trouble when we see each other. I just won’t speak to him.”

“That’s fine, I don’t want you guys to speak to each other anyways.” Then Harry laughed, and the tension in the room seemed to be broken.

On the inside, Liam was still in a conflict. He was aware that Niall noticed, that the boy kept throwing glances at him, seemingly accidentally brushing his hand against Liam the whole time, but Liam was working very hard to keep up his façade for as long as Harry was still here.

He did leave like 40 minutes later, because it was a weekday, and he even took all the empty boxes and trash with him, telling Liam he’d text him a place and time before Saturday after they had all said their goodbyes. 

Almost as soon as Liam had closed the door, Niall’s mouth was open.

“I feel like this is a terrible idea.” He blurted out, and Liam looked at him with his eyebrow pulled up, because hadn’t he just said he wanted to go to the dinner? 

“I thought you wanted to go there really badly?” Liam was confused, but also still distracted. How the hell had they gotten to this point, anyways?

“I don’t mean the dinner, I mean the two of them dating.” Oh. “I AM happy for them, I wasn’t lying, but I… I just hope this will end well.”

“Ending well means Louis will literally become part of my family.” And Liam had no idea how he would ever be okay with that. “We would have to sort things out at some point.”

“Maybe now that he’s really with Harry he might be more willing to talk. If not for me, maybe for Harry. Also… IS there even anything to still talk about? You both know what happened.” Right, now that Niall knew that Louis hadn’t lied to him… there wasn’t actually a need for him to want Louis and Liam to talk it out. Except maybe so Liam could talk some sense into Louis and get him to sober up and stop taking drugs and get out of all the illegal shit he had going on.

That was never going to happen though, and they both knew it.

“I’ll just say hello on Saturday and that’s it, whatever else happens is out of our control anyways.” Liam shrugged, slowly walking over to the kitchen to wash the glasses they had been using. “I also think it’s a terrible idea, but Harry is right, it’s his choice. And if he likes Louis enough to date him and introduce him to his parents… that’s fine.”

“Hmm.” Was all Niall made, and Liam would have asked what was on his mind, but he was distracted with his own thoughts.

Niall wordlessly came over to dry the dishes and Liam felt him stealing side glances at him, but he decided to ignore it. Today had been an awful day, and though it had been nice to see Harry and hang out again after such a long time, Liam wished he hadn’t come. Wished he could have just texted him all of this, so Liam could have thought about his answers a bit longer.

It was too late to worry about any of that though, and Liam would just have to live with it. At least he wouldn’t have to live with lying to Harry about thinking that any of this had been great news.

It also made Liam feel quite like a terrible person, because how awful would it have been, to be dating someone your family members so obviously disapproved of? Then again, it was only Liam who thought that. So far.

“I think I need to sleep or I won’t be able to get up tomorrow morning.” Liam told Niall once they had finished cleaning up, their conversation having died down.

“Okay, I’ll just finish something on my laptop.” The boy announced, letting Liam have the bathroom first.

The older man tried to be quick because he was genuinely tired, but also because he couldn’t wait to just sleep and forget about this day. It also meant that Saturday would come sooner than wanted, but that was beside the point.

“Are you still doing homework?” Liam asked after he had showered and brushed his teeth, about to head to his bedroom while Niall was aggressively typing on his laptop yet again while sitting on the couch.

“Yeah… I’ll just need a few more minutes.” He seemed rather concentrated, so Liam just nodded.

“Alright, I’ll be heading to bed.” No idea why he felt the need to say that, maybe to let Niall know to at least try to be quiet, but then again, Liam doubted he’d be able to stay up for much longer either way. “Night.”

Before Niall could have answered, Liam had already walked past, so he was a little surprised to hear the boy move all of a sudden, as if he was in a rush. “Wait.”

So Liam did, a bit confused, but also not for long as Niall had wrapped his arms around him almost instantly, causing Liam to take a step back out of surprise before he hugged back, laughing softly. “What’s this for?”

“Just… good night?” Niall tried innocently, squeezing him a bit more tightly and Liam rubbed his back absently. “Also… it’ll be fine. The dinner, I mean. I don’t want you to be worried.”

“I’m not… just thinking.” Liam shrugged, holding Niall tighter for a moment before slowly letting go of him though he could feel that the younger boy would have just kept holding onto him had he not. “Don’t stay up for too long, okay? Even if you have tomorrow off.”

“I’ll try my best.” Niall joked, and Liam laughed, not believing a word he said before dropping a quick kiss to the side of the younger’s head.

“See you in the morning.” He announced before walking off.

“Yeah… “ Niall’s voice was quiet, and Liam assumed he was probably eager to get back to finishing whatever he had been working on.

Liam closed the door to block out Niall’s typing, and he fell asleep rather quickly, only to be woken again much, much later when the younger boy did come to bed to sleep as well. Liam had no idea how late it was and he could barely stay awake long enough to realize that the younger boy had draped himself all over Liam yet again. 

Somehow, Liam slept better whenever they were so close that not even a piece of paper could have fit in between them, so he definitely wasn’t complaining.

\--------------------

“We could still cancel. I could say my car broke down.” Niall had known Liam would not just go to this dinner without doubting his decision, but they hadn’t really spoken about it ever since Harry had left, so the younger boy was a bit surprised with how nervous Liam actually was now.

Much more nervous than he seemed to be about… well, anything.

“It’s not even far from here, Harry would probably just pick us up.” And then Liam and Louis would be in the same car, which would have only made things worse.

Niall was nervous too, but not painfully so. He had talked to Louis on the phone on Thursday, and after hearing him sound so cheerful and genuine about this whole thing and about dating Harry, Niall had changed his mind a bit. He had let Liam know as well, but the older man hadn’t really said a lot, so Niall had dropped it fairly quickly.

He had texted Harry a few more times about he situation too, without Liam’s knowledge, so now he seemed rather confident that tonight would be just fine. Or at the very least, not a complete disaster.

In Niall’s life, anything that wasn’t a disaster was basically a miracle anyways. 

“Just ignore him.” Niall repeated himself, because he had told Liam that at least 500 times in the past hour. “Pretty sure he will ignore you too.”

“I’ll try.” Liam sighed, still fixing his hair for some reason when there was no need. He always looked good, but Niall remained quiet.

The past two days, it had been clear Liam had been distracted, though he had very willingly accepted every hug and every touch, and Niall had turned his affections up a notch. Only to comfort the older man, of course, no other reason.

Liam had done so much for him, was always there to comfort him, it was only fair the younger boy at least tried to give back a little. Right?

And if he enjoyed doing it as well, that was only a plus, not the reason he kept going. He wasn’t taking advantage of the situation, there was literally no point even if he had wanted to. Liam would never return his feelings, and Niall would just forget about his stupid crush eventually.

Surely, he had to. At some point.

“It’ll be worse if we’re late.” Niall reminded Liam after throwing a glance at his phone. He had switched the lockscreen a while ago, to a picture of himself and Liam that he had somehow forced the older man to take. 

It kinda hurt and felt nice at the same time whenever he looked at it. So naturally, he did it all the time.

“I know, I know… “ Liam sighed, then he dropped his hand and simply seemed to give up. “Let’s just go. Get it over with.”

“Liam-“

“I didn’t mean it, I was only joking.” He lied and Niall suppressed a sigh, blowing up his cheeks and letting the air out slowly as he followed the older man to the front door, turning off the bathrooms lights because Liam had forgotten to do so. 

What if this would end in a disaster after all?

The car ride was quiet, it was already dark outside because it was 6 in the evening and they had spent all day cleaning and working on their laptops. If it hadn’t been for the situation they were in, Niall would have been sad about the lack of conversation from today, but because he knew Liam was really nervous, he had just felt bad for him.

Even inside the car it was obvious. Liam kept switching the channels on the radio, his fingers tapping on the steering wheel the entire time, quiet curses leaving his mouth whenever any other cars or traffic lights were annoying him.

Which was, every two seconds, apparently.

“Now we’re early.” Which made Liam groan once he had turned off the engine in front of the restaurant and Niall didn’t know what to say.

“We can wait in the car until someone else arrives.” Niall suggested, silently praying that it would be Harry’s parents who would arrive next.

Truth was, Niall was more nervous about being around them again than about this whole Liam-Louis situation. He still felt a bit out of place right here, he knew he was just invited because he lived with Liam and because they probably didn’t care if he was here, but Harry would have never asked him had they simply been friends.

Louis on the other hand… it was true, he WOULD be family to Liam, if things turned out well. The thought was somehow a bit disturbing to Niall.

Like… Louis judging Liam for getting a family, only to become part of that very family himself. And yet again, Niall was somehow left behind as he usually was in life, he was friends with all 3 of them, but he would never fully be apart of this family.

Liam would have surely denied it, would have insisted Niall was somehow family too, but it would’ve been a lie. What if, in the future, Liam and Louis would get along again, and Liam would be in a relationship too, and then they’d all just be one big happy family hanging out all the time? Spending every holiday together? Going on double dates?

And Niall would probably be working a shitty job and living alone in a shitty apartment, and that would just be the end of it.

It was a selfish idea, but Niall couldn’t help these thoughts he had been having for days now, ever since he had found out about Harry and Louis. He wished Harry and Louis all the luck and happiness in the world, and he wanted Louis and Liam to make up, but he also wanted things from Liam he would never, ever get.

For him, this situation couldn’t possibly end well.

“We should go inside.” Liam decided after a moment, and Niall just nodded, having been lost in thoughts anyways.

It was ice cold outside, but Niall barely had time to think about it before Liam let out a sigh of relief upon seeing his uncle and aunt arrive before they had even crossed the parking lot. Niall was relieved too, but somehow, he also thought that it didn’t even matter anymore.

This night would happen, whether they wanted it to or not.

“Oh, hello, boys!” Liam’s aunt and uncle came over to greet them both, hugging Niall as well as if they had known each other for ages and hadn’t only just met a bit over a month ago. “Ah, you’re barely wearing anything, let’s go inside before you catch a cold.”

Niall felt his cheeks turn warm as Liam’s aunt talked to him, and Liam threw a look at him that Niall could only interpret as _See, I told you to wear a jacket and not just a hoodie_. To be fair, Niall WAS completely underdressed, but he only really realized it once they had entered the building.

Whatever, no one would be paying attention to him, he was the least interesting person here tonight. Somehow that was a comfort, but somehow it also made Niall feel fairly strange.

Louis and Harry hadn’t arrived yet, which was a good thing, because it meant Niall and Liam could choose their seats very wisely. Liam even made up some lie about how his aunt should sit closer to Harry and Louis to get to know Louis better and Niall was surprised he could even say his name so normally without combusting.

“So, you both know his boyfriend already, right?” She was beaming at the thought, and Niall swallowed hard, but nodded either way. Harry had consulted them both to let them know the story he had told his mother, and it wasn’t far from the truth because she knew about Liam’s past anyways, so with permission from all of them Harry had told his parents that they had all been together at that place when they had been children. Surely, it must have also come as a surprise to have Niall’s name thrown in the mix, but whatever.

Harry had left out the part where Liam and Louis were literal mortal enemies and had beaten each other up a couple weeks ago. Probably not the most appropriate thing to tell your mother about your new boyfriend.

Not that Niall would have known, or ever experienced.

“I was a bit surprised, it came so suddenly.” She kept talking while Liam’s uncle had left for the bathroom and Niall was already playing with his napkin. It was made out of cloth, as if to throw it directly into his face how he was underdressed for this place yet again. “He sounded so happy. And Louis is a nice guy, right? I’ve only seen one picture of the two of them.”

Niall hoped it had been a picture with his tattoos on display, otherwise she was in a for a surprise in a little bit.

Somehow, it was left to Liam to say nice things about Louis for 10 minutes straight, and Niall could feel the tension coming from his body next to him, but he remained quiet, not really wanting to talk but also feeling awkward about it. Who was he to tell Liam’s aunt about Louis? 

They had just sent the waiter away, telling him they were going to wait for everyone to arrive, when Niall looked all the way across the restaurant and almost immediately locked eyes with Louis. 

Because they hadn’t seen each other in person for a bit, Niall was even more pleasantly surprised than he would have been otherwise, but like… Louis looked good, he seemed to be happy, not as if he had done cocaine in the bathroom last night like he usually did whenever he was nervous and needed a break from life. He was even wearing clothes that seemed much more appropriate than Niall’s hoodie, and though he hadn’t ditched the leather jacket, he looked fine.

Maybe Harry was getting through to him after all, maybe them dating was actually a blessing in disguise?

But Niall didn’t wanna get ahead of himself and get hopeful, because just as much as he felt a bit better upon seeing Louis, he could tell Liam felt more uncomfortable. Understandably so.

Neither of them said anything, so Liam’s aunt kept talking until she was interrupted by her son. “And- oh! We were wondering where you were already! Hello, my love. And you must be Louis? Harry already told me so much about you.”

“I hope only good things.” Louis joked, and then they all laughed, and Niall suddenly felt like he was in a movie or something. Or maybe just a daydream. What the hell, since when was Louis keen on meeting people or making an impression? 

The thing was, it was all so normal that Niall couldn’t actually believe it. Liam was really tense next to him, but Niall was happy about finally seeing Louis again, so he did get up to hug him, and the older man held him a bit more tightly than expected. Niall had a feeling he was doing it to get Liam riled up, but then again, why would he?

“I feel like we’ve not seen each other in ages.” Louis was still hugging Niall and Niall was surprised that when he breathed in, he couldn’t even smell smoke on him. 

“That’s because you haven’t.” Niall laughed, feeling slightly better as they pulled apart and Louis was smiling at him. When had they ever been so happy to see each other? When had they both been okay when they had seen each other?

Niall didn’t even know anymore, and it made him really sad.

Harry was talking to his parents and he also still hadn’t sat down, so luckily, all of them missed Louis’ expression growing darker as his eyes shifted to Liam. 

“Liam.” Was all he said, squeezing Niall’s shoulder a last time.

“Louis.” Liam replied, his voice ice cold, and suddenly, Niall was slightly afraid to sit back down next to him.

The moment passed rather quickly, luckily, and once they had all sat down, Harry’s mother had 1 billion questions for him and Louis anyways, so Niall tried to relax, sip his water and mind his own business.

It was a little bit hard with Liam so damn tense next to him.

“You need to relax.” Niall whispered when he couldn’t stand all the fidgeting anymore. Which was a little bit funny considering HE was usually the one fidgeting like crazy. “It’s fine.”

“Is it?” Liam asked, but it sounded rather rhetorical.

It was then that Niall realized that a good outcome of this situation did not mean the same for them. For Liam, his family getting along with Louis was probably equally as bad as them beating each other up again right in front of the table. Considering Louis was currently laughing with his aunt and had an arm around Harry, Niall understood why Liam was acting the way he was.

So what now? Were they just going to spend this whole dinner being quiet?

At first, it was fine, because they had to choose food and order and there was time for small-talk that Harry’s parents needed to have with Louis and Harry, but then, somehow, the whole dynamic shifted.

“So, you actually kind of introduced them, Niall?” Niall almost choked on his water, because he hadn’t expected to be spoken to, and so randomly as well.

“Well… they both happened to be in the music shop I work in… I didn’t even know Harry then.” Was Niall allowed to say that? Well, Harry should have prepped him better in case he wasn’t. “So I’m not sure if I can take any credit, but I’ll accept it.”

Everyone laughed, maybe Liam did too, but if he did, it would have been forced anyways.

“But you and Louis have known each other for a long time? You’re good friends?” Harry’s mother kept asking, sounding very interested and Niall swallowed, throwing a look at Louis, who was sitting opposite him, on the other end of the table, trying to silently tell him to take over from here.

Surely, he would know better what to say and what not to say, right?

“Yeah, we actually go way back. But we’ve randomly ran into each other again five years ago. Niall used to live with me for a while, actually.” Louis explained quickly and Niall only nodded along. Was it considered random if Louis had searched for him on social media afterwards and invited him to do drugs at his place? Apparently. 

“And Liam?” There it was.

Silence fell over the table, even before the food had arrived, and Niall seriously thought that it was a gift from heaven that the food DID arrive, just in that moment, distracting everyone from the fact that neither Liam nor Louis seemed to be willing to say a word.

So they were really sticking to not talking to each other except for a greeting, huh?

Again, the conversation got picked up somewhere else, Niall was sometimes included, but he chose to be quiet for the most part, as did Liam. The food was really good, but Niall could barely enjoy it because he was painfully aware of just how much Liam seemed to be wanting to leave and never come back.

Hopefully Niall was the only one who noticed, but considering Harry was literally sitting on Liam’s other side, right next to him and not around the corner like Niall, the youngest boy kinda doubted it.

“Oh, Li, before I forget it, I talked to your mom last night.” Harry’s mother threw in at some point, but even that seemed to cause Liam to tense up. Niall would have reached out to put a hand on Liam’s arm to try and calm him, but one, he wasn’t sure if it would have had the effect he wanted it to have, and two, he could feel Louis’ eyes on him whenever he whispered to Liam or did as much as shift closer towards him.

God, what was this night?

“Oh, yeah?” Liam asked, clearly not at all interested though. 

“I think you should really call her.” Niall thought so, too, but Liam’s relationship with his adoptive parents was something Niall had long stopped thinking about. It was almost non-existent, so naturally, he kept forgetting he even HAD parents.

“She’s usually at work when I call. We text sometimes.” Liam shrugged a bit, pretending as if he was all calm while eating his food. “I’ll try tomorrow or something.”

“She had no idea who Niall is or that he’s staying with you.” Great.

“Yeah, I never really told her… But I’ve also not seen her in quite a while and we’ve spoken, like, three times in the past few months.” It was kinda sad, but Niall was never sure if it really bothered Liam as much as he thought because he never talked about it. 

The silence following that was kinda awkward, and luckily Liam’s uncle almost knocked over Niall’s glass a second later for them all to be shaken up a bit and switch the topic after. Liam was even more quiet this time around, and Niall was a bit desperate to help, so he might have knocked his knee against Liam’s a few too many times.

“What are you doing?” If anything, Liam sounded annoyed, and Niall tried not to be hurt by the tone in his voice because he knew it wasn’t personal.

“Nothing. Sorry.” He apologized quietly, trying to suppress a sigh. 

Again, more small-talk, that Louis was disturbingly good at all of a sudden, and Niall thought maybe this night would just stay in his memory as boring and not worth the nervousness, but sadly, he was proven wrong.

“Please tell me if I’m overstepping a line, I was just wondering… “ Harry’s father was the one who doomed them all, only Niall wasn’t sure if he ever had an idea about what he had done with his question. “You were both with Liam when you were all kids, right?”

See, as much as Harry had prepped the 3 of them to not say stupid things, he had apparently forgotten that his parents might have questions too if he dropped such a bomb on them beforehand.

Niall was set on not being the one answering the question, but neither Louis nor Liam seemed to remember that they had mouths as well and Harry threw a bit of a desperate look at him, so… god damn it.

“Yes, we were all, um… together at that place. Back then.” Niall answered quickly, having to take a sip of water to hide his red face. It probably wasn’t working, and the sad mood now looming over the table didn’t either.

“That’s just horrible. It still makes me sad whenever I think about everything Liam told us… “ Harry’s mother shook her head very dramatically, and Niall’s throat felt tight. “I still can’t believe he made it out of there all by himself… Niall, you must have been really young.”

“Yeah, uh… like, I was only there for 2 years… I was 6 when… “ When it had all gone to shit, but Niall didn’t know how to say it and he was scared someone would ask what had happened to Louis next, so in a desperate attempt to save his friend, Niall decided to just volunteer himself as distraction. “It was better than living my mother. They brought me back to her after… and then I just went from one foster family to the next until I was too old.”

“I’m so sorry, honey, we don’t have to talk about this. We shouldn’t have brought it up.” Her face was a bit accusing as she looked at her husband, but Niall simply shrugged. 

Surprisingly, he felt nothing.

“It’s fine.” Niall calmed her, kinda not feeling like himself while talking. “I’m just happy I ran into Liam and Louis again after such a long time.”

“I can imagine.” Her face was really soft now and it almost got Niall choked up. What the hell? Why was he even saying these things, just to save Louis’ and Liam’s asses? “When Liam first came into our family, I could almost not believe anything my sister was telling me about his childhood there… we were all so shocked and… I kept thinking about how many more kids there were like him, but as far as I know, the police never got involved, did they? And now the two of you are sitting here… I’m sorry, this is getting me emotional. “

“Mom… “ Harry mumbled, clearly wanting her to shut up, but she didn’t. Because why would she, when she could just keep going and make it worse?

“It just makes me so grateful that Liam found his way into our family… he was so lucky to get out of there and it really breaks my heart to know that not everyone got to experience that.” That was apparently the breaking point for Louis, and Niall knew before he even looked up.

“Yeah, he was really lucky, wasn’t he?” Louis’ voice was pure poison, though Niall didn’t think that Harry’s parents were picking up on it. 

“Lou.” Harry saying his name like that was weird to Niall, but he just bit his lip, looking at Liam instead, debating whether to drop his hand on the older’s knee or not. He didn’t, but just because the older’s facial expression was undefinable. 

“Just saying. It’s the truth.” Louis shrugged, acting as if he agreed with Harry’s mother, as if he was happy for Liam, too. “And he even managed to finish school and go to uni and be successful at that. Quite impressive.”

His voice was so passive aggressive that Niall kinda wanted to get up and leave, but he remained seated, chewing his bottom lip. Had he accidentally manifested for this night to be a disaster by constantly imaging it?

“So did Niall.” Liam spoke up all of a sudden and oh god, Niall was going to die. That was it. 

“I mean, you did help Niall get out of there, too.” Louis continued, and why was Niall now the main topic of this story? 

“Oh, did you? Harry didn’t mention any of this.” Harry’s mother threw in, now all curious, her eyes shifting between them. 

“Yeah, it’s… not really a story to tell over dinner.” Liam talked himself out of it, and Niall shifted in his seat, uncomfortable. 

“You’re right, probably not.” Louis’ face was hard, and Niall quickly looked away again. He should have really just kept his eyes fixated on his plate. “I shouldn’t have brought it up, I just figured you would have told them. Seeing that you and Niall were like brothers back then.”

What the fuck? 

“Were you?” Harry’s mother asked and Niall simply nodded. “I had no idea, Liam never mentioned you before. I thought Niall was just an old friend of yours before Harry told me how you all met as children just a couple days ago.”

“Really? Why? You were so close.” Louis continued to poor salt into the wound, and though Niall knew he was doing it to get Liam, he didn’t understand why HE had to be the one being sacrificed in the process.

“I, uh… “ Liam was clearly struggling for words, and honestly, if Niall had expected anybody to get their feelings hurt tonight, he would have never guessed it’d be himself. 

No idea who Niall wanted to yell at more in that moment, at Louis, for starting this whole shit show and bringing him into this, knowingly saying things he knew would hurt Niall, or at Liam, for not even trying to come to his aid, for not even being able to find a good excuse as to why he seemed to have never mentioned Niall to his family in his entire life.

Niall had known he hadn’t, seeing as no one had known who he was, but he had never consciously thought about why that was. Had never really thought about the fact that Liam must have also not told his adoptive parents about him or asked for help to find him. It was strange, being hit with that realization all of a sudden, after Liam had claimed so many times that he had never given up on trying to find Niall.

Across the table, Louis’ eyes were on Niall’s face, as if to tell him the same exact thing. The things he had been telling Niall many times during the past few years.

_I never said he didn’t care about you, we both know he did. I’m just saying, if he had had a chance to leave sooner, he would have taken it and left us both behind. It would have surely hurt him to leave you, but he would have eventually gotten over it. I found you as well, and I wasn’t even consciously looking for you in the first place. I don’t wanna say he’s a bad person, I’m just saying maybe your memories are a bit distorted, and you think a bit more highly of him than you should. You were so young, you can’t possibly remember everything about him._

Why the fuck did Niall have to be confronted with it NOW though?!

“I, uh, really need the bathroom.” Niall blurted out after zoning out for a few seconds, not even waiting for an answer from anyone as he had immediately gotten up, not quite sure where he was walking to because the restaurant was so big.

A part of him wished Liam would have followed him, but another part inside of him was glad that he hadn’t as Niall stood in the empty bathroom by himself, staring at his reflection.

It only took 10 seconds before the door opened again, and rather than a stranger, Niall was surprised to learn it was _Harry_ who had followed him.

“I’m sorry.” Was the first thing he said, though he should have been the last one apologizing to Niall. 

“You just left the two of them alone with your parents?” Was all Niall could think about, and Harry gave him a sad smile.

“I feel like it serves them right… “ It did. “Niall… I know for a fact that Liam-“

“I know. It’s just… I wasn’t expecting Louis to suddenly start talking about it, and… make it so obvious what he- or for Liam to just… not say anything at all. I’ve never really thought about it before, that Liam never told his parents or you or anyone about me. Or about how he got away and what happened that night… “ There was no need to keep his mouth shut around Harry, Niall had already let secrets slip to him, and he knew for a fact that Louis had filled in all the blank gaps by now.

“I think Liam was just really traumatized by it all, I know he kept searching for you. And that he felt really, really guilty about it all, still does, probably.” But hadn’t they ALL been traumatized? And Liam seemed to be the most alright out of all of them. “I will still kill Louis after this, don’t worry.”

“He was right though.” Niall shrugged, splashing some water into his face to calm down, debating whether to tell Harry what was on his mind or not. He decided it didn’t matter anyways. “Turns out Louis was right about a lot of things that I thought he was lying about. And that I actually understand why he’s still pissed at Liam.”

“You were all children. I told Louis I think it’s ridiculous for him to hold a grudge for such a long time, but… he just got mad.” So they definitely HAD talked about that night, and somehow, it made Niall feel relaxed. “Louis thinks Liam told you lies about what happened.”

“I somehow wish he did, but… they both told me the same exact story. The one where Liam… “ Niall trailed off then, looking at Harry in the mirror, and the older man simply nodded. “Only thing Louis did was exaggerate it and tell me that Liam has surely gotten over losing me really quickly, but… doesn’t really matter now, does it?”

“Of course it matters.” Harry insisted, but Niall only shook his head slowly, sighing deeply.

“No. You’re right, we were all kids and we’re adults now and it’s like… I don’t know why I would even feel hurt that Liam never talked to me about anyone. It wouldn’t have changed anything.” Plus, he had kept the toy car, so… that had to mean something as well.

There was a bit of silence between, and it seemed Harry was debating whether to say the next part or not, but then he did it anyways, his voice softer now. “It hurts because you like him.”

Niall did nothing at first, then he simply nodded, because Harry had known for a while anyways. “… he’s not said anything to you about that, has he?”

“He’s not got a clue. Typical.” Harry snorted, and Niall relaxed a bit, hoping that Harry didn’t know about the kiss. Whenever they texted it was random things, not related to anything or their talk after New Year’s Eve, and Niall intended to keep it that way. 

“Good. Because I’m- I’m just waiting for it to pass. It’ll be fine.” Niall lied to himself, and Harry, but why not? “He can never know.”

“He won’t ever figure it out himself, that’s for sure… but Niall.” He didn’t immediately continue, only when Niall threw a questioning stare at him. “Don’t try to hurt yourself more than you have to in the process. I know you guys are close… physically. When I came over the other day-“

“It’s not like that, I’m fine.” Another lie, but whatever. Niall wanted to have at least this, if he couldn’t have everything. “I know what I’m doing.”

“Okay.” Harry sighed, but he did seem to give up eventually, for which Harry was very grateful. “What, uh- did you ever talk to Will again?”

“I’m ignoring him since New Year’s, pretending he doesn’t exist, and he never tried to get into contact again.” Niall shrugged, thinking that they should probably walk back out, but he really didn’t want to. For just a moment, he considered telling Harry about something that had happened the other day, but then he quickly decided not to. “How did you and Louis get together?”

“We actually had a genuine talk for once and… yeah.” He broke off awkwardly, grinning when Niall pulled a face. He had not needed to have those images in his head, especially right now. “I think maybe… - He’s told me a few things about his past and- yeah… it’s… a process.”

“But you wanna be with him though, as in, you love him?” Niall kept asking, and Harry’s face went unexpectedly red all of a sudden.

“I, uh, we’re not really- not that far into our relationship.” Oh, right. “I wanna be with him though, yes. And he sounded very honest when he said this is what he wants as well, so unless he told you something different…”

“He’s not told me anything at all before you told me and Liam. And he sounded very happy when I talked to him on the phone, so… “ So for all Niall knew, somehow, for some reason, they seemed to really like each other. “… we should probably head back out, see if everyone’s still alive.”

“Yeah, probably.” The older man agreed, still a bit flushed. “But, Niall?”

“Yeah?” Niall turned his head for the first time, looking at Harry for real and not just through the mirror.

“If you need anything… just call. Or text me. Okay? I know that- that this is not easy on you. And I am really sorry about tonight, I genuinely thought they could keep it together, I told Louis so many times to- I’m sorry. I’m sure he’s already regretting it now. And as for Liam… I know he cares about you, more than about anyone else in the world. So whatever happened or for whatever reason he did what he did, I’m 100% certain that he always only wanted to protect you and find you again. He’d do anything for you.” It was true, and Niall knew it, and he trusted Liam, but…

“I know… I was just taken off guard, I guess… “ Something like that. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me, please. Me making these dinner plans has led to us standing here in the first place.” True, but at least Niall could crack a smile about it now. A little forced, but it was there.

“We both just want everyone to get along, it’s not your fault they are both being difficult about it. And also… “ Niall hesitated, but he felt like he needed to say it right now. For Harry, because he had come after him immediately, because he always offered his help and seemed to genuinely care, for whatever reason. “As Louis’ friend, and knowing about his past and everything that’s going on with him… I’m really happy that he met you. He’s never been like this with anybody, I would have never thought I’d see him care this much to a point where he’d agree to be in an exclusive relationship, meet someone’s parents… so no matter if he kinda went against his promise tonight, I know you must mean a lot to him.”

“Thanks, Niall.” His face suddenly looked very emotional, but also happy, and before Niall knew it, Harry had pulled him into a brief, but tight hug.

Somehow, the younger boy had to choke back some tears, hold back a lot of things he felt like saying, but ended up staying quiet. 

It was unfair, all of it, and no matter how much Niall tried to tell himself it was selfish and ignorant to feel this way, he couldn’t stop. 

Couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that it seemed that even Louis was starting to get his life together, which Niall had always wanted, of course, but… how come both Liam and Louis kinda got what they wanted by accident? And here Niall was, trying, going to fucking uni and trying to mediate between them, get them to get along and whatnot, working an actual normal job, but still ending up as the one who couldn’t quite make it work.

It really was no one’s fault, but it was still frustrating.

When they got back to the table, all eyes were on Niall, but he ignored them as he slipped back into his seat, slowly moving his hand away when he felt Liam’s inching closer. Not now.

“Sorry, uh… it’s a bit hard for me to talk about the past sometimes.” He excused himself, trying to let everyone know that they needed to absolutely switch the topic now. 

“You don’t have to apologize at all, Niall, it was completely inappropriate. I’m really sorry.” Liam’s uncle apologized, and so did his aunt, and Niall forced himself to smile at them.

“No worries.” He lied, sharing another look with Harry, but not with Louis and Liam. “I’m fine.”

The awkward atmosphere stayed until Harry’s mother suggested they all order dessert, and though Niall was 100% certain that no one wanted to have any, they all ordered something either way.

“Niall… “ Liam’s voice was quiet once the others had fallen back into small-talk, Louis telling them about his job at the bar or his tattoos or whatever, somehow making it sound really cool and something you’d want your son-in-law to do. Or maybe Harry’s parents were just very open-minded and great actors. “I’m sorry.”

“I know.” Was all Niall said, because he did. He knew Liam cared about him, a whole lot, he knew he had been taken by surprise, and it was fine. It was what it was.

Didn’t mean Niall couldn’t still be hurt, even if it was his own fault in a way. He was actively breaking his own heart by acting the way he did around Liam, getting lost in a fantasy, and yet he couldn’t stop.

Liam was everything he had, the universe had simply decided to play a cruel joke on him by making him fall for the one person he absolutely couldn’t have, but also couldn’t be without.

“It’s okay.” Niall lied, flashing Liam something like a smile before taking a breath. “Are you gonna finish all of that?”

The older man seemed surprised, but then he visibly relaxed as he let out a quick laugh, wordlessly pushing the rest of his dessert closer to Niall.

He didn’t ever have to know that Niall almost threw up on himself having to eat even more just for the sake of pretending that it was all good. Maybe it would be, if he just kept ignoring it all, if he kept telling himself and everyone else that he was fine, he might eventually BE fine.

Right?

\-------------------

Liam felt so terrible for the rest of the dinner that he barely spoke a word, just wishing for it all to be over as soon as somehow possible. He had wanted to go after Niall, but Harry had literally been up on his feet a second later as well and then… Liam had decided that maybe it was for the best, that maybe those two could relate to each other a lot better in that moment.

It was confusing, because Liam had no idea how much Harry actually knew, or how much Harry had told Niall about certain things, but in the end, it seemed to not matter anymore.

Thanks to Louis, Liam had yet again let Niall down, and though the boy was very good at pretending that it was all good, that he wasn’t mad at him, Liam knew that he must have been disappointed.

After all it was true, Liam had never told anyone about him, but not for the reasons Louis seemed to think, and tried to make Niall believe.

Liam never threw another look at Louis, didn’t even say goodbye to him, not caring if everyone could feel the tension between them now. This was up to Harry to explain to his parents, not Liam.

Harry did hug him, and Liam half-heartedly apologized with a whisper, but he was a lot more sorry to Niall than his cousin. He also was busy watching Louis hugging Niall over his cousin’s shoulder, wondering what he was saying to him.

As soon as Liam had pulled out of the parking lot, he could feel anxiety filling his body, as well as guilt, and fear that he could somehow not fix it this time. 

“Ni… “ He started, staring onto the street, heavy rain falling onto the car as he drove them home. “Can I- can I explain?”

The younger boy stayed quiet, he had acted normal for the rest of the dinner, but Liam had felt that façade crippling even before they had gotten into the car. Did his silence mean yes? 

“I didn’t tell my family about you after we ran into each other at my office back in October, because I didn’t want everyone to start asking questions over Christmas. I knew it would have gotten uncomfortable, as it just did, and we hadn’t talked to each other yet either.” Liam knew this was not the problem though, not really. “Before that… it’s not true, that I never talked about you, but I never said your name. I never told anyone the full story, that is true. But I did try to get help from my adoptive parents, they just… either I wasn’t convincing enough, or they didn’t care enough. I also… I was scared about them finding out the truth as well, it seems ridiculous now, but I was a child and I thought that somehow they would decide to ship me off to another family if they heard about what I did. It sounds like I’m making excuses… I just- it also hurt. The memories, of you, of us. Knowing what I had done. Not knowing if you were still even alive and- I’m sorry. I can’t make it undone, I know. But I hope you know that it doesn’t mean that you weren’t the most important person in the whole world to me, and that I wouldn’t have done absolutely anything to find you again and-“

“Liam, I know.” Niall interrupted before Liam could really get into it. “It’s fine, I believe you. I trust you, it’s alright. You don’t have to keep telling me.”

“Are you… are you sure? Because-“

“I’m sure. I was just surprised, that Louis would just- and then you didn’t say anything. At the same time I understand both of you, so it’s okay. It’s a difficult position to be in, for everyone.” He sounded reserved, but also as if he meant it, and Liam gripped the steering wheel a bit tighter, unsure of what to do now. “Can we just forget about it? I’m a bit tired of talking about all of this again and again.”

“We can, but… if there’s anything you wanna talk about, then-“

“Then I can talk to you. I know, Li. And I will, if there’s anything I wanna talk about.” Why did Liam doubt his words so much? “… can we stop at McDonald’s on the way home?”

“You’re still hungry now?” Liam didn’t know if he should have laughed or not, the weird feeling in his stomach still very present, his guilt threatening to squash him any second.

“No, but I could go for a milkshake.” Niall replied, and there was a smile on his face when Liam briefly turned his head.

It was impossible to figure this boy out sometimes, but Liam had no other choice but to let it go, if this is what Niall wanted, then he would do it. Out of instinct, Liam reached over to hold Niall’s hand, linked their fingers together, and because the nearest McDonald’s wasn’t far away, he kept holding on until they arrived.

He wasn’t sure if Niall wanted to be touched now, but he certainly didn’t pull away. Not when Liam held his hand, not when he hugged him for a really long time once they were home, not when Liam pulled him in immediately as soon as they had gotten into bed.

The way it felt to have Niall’s head on his chest and the younger’s arm draped around his stomach, it was like the added weight was a constant reminder of all the things Liam had done, and could never undo.

Pretty sure they both were awake for a really long time that night, without ever actually talking to each other.

\------------------

Niall didn’t have a hard time getting over what had happened during the dinner. He had a long conversation with Louis about it the next day, over the phone, and Liam was nice enough to pretend he needed to go on a jog in that exact moment. Louis was sorry, Niall could hear it in his voice and he just couldn’t be mad at him for too long anyways, it was like… had he lied? No.

Niall and Liam did not talk about it again, upon Niall’s request, and Niall also had to text Harry a couple times that it was fine. Then, finally, after a bit over a week or so, things went back to normal. Maybe Liam was being a bit more touchy than usual, but Niall let him because he was enjoying it way too much, so that definitely helped.

What Niall could not get over so easily, was the realization he had had about what would happen if Louis became part of Liam’s family. Of what would happen once Niall graduated, got a job and his own place. They would start to drift apart, him and Liam, and though Niall knew they’d still see each other all the time and whatnot… he was terrified. Sometimes, that fear was so paralyzing that all he could do was cling to Liam as if he’d vanish into thin air if he let go.

“We’re both gonna be late.” Liam was laughing when Niall was hugging him, refusing to let go, pretending it was for a joke. He could have never told the older man that sometimes, he felt like he was falling apart whenever they weren’t touching. “Nialler.”

“What? I thought you said you only start in 20 minutes.” Niall laughed too, tightening his arms as he pressed his face against the older’s exposed neck, quietly breathing him in. It was calming, and he really did not feel calm lately whenever they were apart.

“But your class starts in like, one minute.” The older man reminded him, but he didn’t push Niall away, only ran his fingers through his hair as he held onto him with one arm. Then, his voice got a bit more quiet. “… everything okay?”

“Yeah, just tired. And I really don’t wanna go to this class.” Niall sighed, bracing himself before slowly pulling away, already missing the warmth of Liam’s body against his. Not like he hadn’t felt it all night as well. “We got a break at the same time today, right?”

“Yeah. But I already told you, you don’t have to bring me anything from the cafet-“

“But I want to, I like eating in your office together.” Niall quickly interrupted, flashing Liam a grin. “I should really go.”

“You really should.” Liam agreed, his face a bit unsure, but he was smiling.

They looked at each other for a moment, and when Liam playfully touched Niall’s chin for a second, with that look on his face, Niall almost turned his brain off. Luckily, he still had enough sense in him to not kiss Liam’s lips in the middle of the hallway, but only his cheek.

It was fine, he had done it before, and Niall wasn’t sure if he should have been relieved or offended that it barely got a reaction out of the older man.

“See you later.” He told Liam before fully letting go, and the older man ruffled his hair one more time before they parted ways.

Niall’s feelings were a mess.

The class was boring, as expected, and Niall paid 0 attention, his opened document consisting of only the title and date by the end of it. He had not made friends with anyone from his new classes, and he didn’t intend to either. Generally, Niall barely talked to anyone at uni, so it was a bit of a surprise to him when someone said his name the moment he walked out of class after pretty much everyone else had already left.

“Niall.”

He turned, confused, and not really knowing what to expected, because it somehow reminded him of back when Liam used to wait for him after classes, trying to talk to him. Only this time, Niall wasn’t happy at all to see the person who was approaching him, not even secretly like he had been with Liam. 

So he hadn’t seen a ghost back on that night, when him and Liam had left uni together and Harry had been waiting at Liam’s place. 

Niall really had seen Will that night, just as much as he was seeing him now, with a backpack and everything, as if he wasn’t only stalking Niall, but had taken it so far as to enroll into university himself.

What the actual fuck?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi :)
> 
> i hope you liked the chapter! i didnt know where the dinner was gonna go, but something bad just had to happen haha. also, i now put 20 chapters for this fic, but im not sure if i will be able to really finish it in the next 4 chapters, we will see! time is passing weirdly lately, im doing a hundred things and nothing at all at the same time, i wish the lockdown would finally end lmao
> 
> i also had my last ever seminar on friday, and i got this last semester left to write my thesis before i graduate my masters programme, it feels very surreal, especially with everything going on in the world. i feel like i started this fic as a different person haha! i wanna write something completely different after it is over, maybe finally fulfill my dream of writing actual oneshots :p
> 
> anyways, hope youre all doing well, staying healthy! thank you for all your comments <3 ill talk to you soon!


	16. Chapter 16

“I have a class.“ Was all Niall said once he had found his voice again, promptly turning around with his heart hammering in his chest as he started to walk down the hallway. He had 30 minutes until his next class, and this was definitely not the right direction, but he knew Will wouldn’t have cared either way.

“Wait.” He easily caught up with Niall, half jogging the few meters before falling into pace with him, as if this was completely in the norm. And what was Niall supposed to do about it? This was a public building, and he wasn’t going to start sprinting or make a scene in the middle of the bloody hallway.

This was fine, he got this, it was all good.

“Can we just- can we talk? Please.” He sounded desperate, which was unusual, but time had passed and… maybe he had truly meant what he had said when he had come to Niall’s working place. Not that it mattered, he could have switched his whole personality and life around, gone to church every Sunday, and Niall would have still not cared or actually wanted to talk to him. About anything at all.

Right?

“There’s nothing to say.” Niall insisted as he kept walking, avoiding the stairs because he’d only get out of breath. Fuck, where was he supposed to go, just in circles? “You said you were gonna leave me alone, if that’s what I wanted. And I do. So fuck off.”

“Niall-“

“No, seriously. Go.” The younger boy tried to sound firm, but on the inside, he was panicking. Just like he always was when he was dealing with the man, no matter how calm the conversations had been in the past, it had always been nearly impossible to truly predict what would happen around Will.

He knew him, after all, maybe better than he knew anybody else, even Louis. They had spent so much time together, so seeing him here, it was like… a memory of a different life. One that Niall would have rather erased from his mind forever.

“Did you get my texts?” God, could he not let this go?!

“Yes. And me not answering them was answer enough, I think.” But Will had never been the type to take a hint, and he wasn’t going to stop, and Niall knew it, so he promptly stopped walking, out of impulse.

The other man almost bumped into him as Niall turned quickly to face him, bringing more distance between them as he crossed his arms in front of his chest once he was facing Will. He looked different, normal almost, but that didn’t mean anything.

“Stop stalking me.” Niall told him when there was no reaction, and it only got him even more frustrated. How long did Will intend to run after him for?

“I’m not stalking you, I literally just saw y-“

“Seriously? You enrolled into university, just to bump into me. I’m not making this shit up, you’re literally standing in front of me, with a bloody backpack. This is ridiculous, Will. You have a _job_ , you never cared for university or education, you-“

“I’ve not enrolled.” Oh. Well, now Niall just looked dumb, did he not? “I’m going to these meetings, it’s almost like a group therapy, and they’re held twice a week in one of the empty seminar rooms.”

“That’s a lie.” Niall heard himself say, even though he knew it wasn’t. “It’s Monday morning.”

“So? It’s on Monday mornings and Wednesday evenings.” Shit, why did that match up perfectly with when Niall had thought he had seen Will, that night at uni, when Harry had told them he was dating Louis? 

“You have work on Monday.” Niall stayed stubborn, absolutely HATING that he still knew Will’s work schedule by heart. He had a feeling the older man was quite enjoying it though. Fuck.

“I just go in late and stay longer. I’ve done it before, if you remember, when I-“

“I don’t. I don’t remember anything at all. And actually, I didn’t even ask, why would I care why you’re here? I have to go.” Only, where to, was the big question here.

“Niall, please.” Now he was truly begging, his face sad and desperate and god fucking damn it, why was Niall so weak?!

Why was he so keen on trying to at least part ways in a friendly manner? Maybe because he was terrified of Will, deep down, because he knew if he pissed him off too much… things might take a turn for the worse. 

And who knew if all of this was just an act, if any of it was real. Will was literally insane, Niall would have put absolutely nothing past him. He just didn’t understand why Will seemed to think Niall was worth all the trouble, could he have not just found someone else to fuck over? Surely lots of people would have done all sort of things for a rent-free place and unlimited food supplies.

To be fair… this was also how Niall lived with Liam now, but that was different of course. Will should have just signed up on some website to find someone as kinky and into rough sex as him and given them a free place to stay, honestly. He didn’t even make that little money either, surely it would have not been that big of a problem for him to find someone else to fill whatever role he had thought Niall had been filling in his life.

“Fine, then just say what you wanna say, I don’t have forever.” Niall gave in, his stomach sinking immediately though. He was so stupid, and weak, and just… an idiot.

“Can we go somewhere where we’re a-“

“No. I don’t wanna be alone with you.” Ever again.

“Okay, okay, I get it. Sorry. Thank you for deciding to listen.” What was this? Had he learned this in his therapy sessions or something? “I just… I don’t know how to say this.”

“Then why are you wasting my time?” Niall snapped, not liking the way Will suddenly smiled at him, _fondly_ almost. What the fuck?! Maybe Niall should have just ran off, straight to Liam’s office and-

“I miss you. Fuck. I really miss you.” Will blurted out after a moment, and the worst part was, his face got RED afterwards, as if he was embarrassed and as if he truly meant it. Fine, he could miss Niall, it wasn’t any of Niall’s business, was it?

“I think you miss someone who you can boss around and fuck whenever you feel l-“

“No. I miss _you_.” He interrupted immediately, his face having gotten harder after Niall’s words. “I just- we had good times, right? Whenever we had these deep conversations in the middle of the night and- when we’d make food together. Or watched TV. Or when we went out to-“

“No idea, I erased all of that from my memory, I already told you.” Niall tried to sound as careless as possible. He did remember it, all of it. Obviously.

In the beginning, they had been really good friends, actually, so yeah, they had had good times. Still, that would never outweigh all the bad that had happened once they had crossed that line, and then kept crossing it over and over again until they had last all respect for one another.

Thinking back, sometimes Niall felt like living with Will had traumatized him more than whatever else had happened in his past, it was like… for most of the other things, he had been too young, and also not fully exposed to it most of the time, but with Will… it was literally only a few months in the past as well.

“You didn’t. But it’s okay, I know I really hurt you.” Will nodded, and god, was he gonna start a pity party for himself now?

“Funny, how you think anything you ever did still hurts me. As if you are, or were, ever that important to me.” Niall forced a laugh, but he almost had to puke. Will had hurt him maybe more than anybody else could have, because he had done it both physically and mentally. “Are we done?”

“No.” The man insisted, letting out a frustrated sigh before rubbing his hands over his face, and Niall used the chance to take another step back. Just in case, just to be safe. “Is there anything at all that I can do for you to forgive me?”

“Leave me alone forever, then I might consider it.” In a couple years or something.

“Do you really hate me this much?” He asked out of nowhere, and Niall was a bit stunned because… did he hate Will?

He hated what he had done to him, he hated what it had been like living with him for the past couple months, their fights, the way the man had made him feel about himself. But did he really hate HIM?

It was maybe the saddest part of it all, that Niall wasn’t even sure about it. And sadly, he took too long to answer, and it gave Will the impression that the answer was _no_ , and before Niall could say something, the man had already sensed his chance.

“Look, I- I’m really trying. To be better. A better person. And I really meant it, when I said I love you, because I really fucking do. I just noticed it too late. But that’s on me and- everything that happened between us is on me, too. But I am trying and… if there’s just a chance that we could be friends-“

“ _Friends?!_ ” Was he… for real?

“Well… I know you’re dating Liam. And I’m so happy for you, seriously, I know that’s what you wanted all along. I just don’t wanna lose you out of sight completely, I wanna somehow make up for what I did. And this isn’t about me wanting to feel better about myself, I never will knowing what I put you through. I just really… I don’t wanna lose you, I want you in my life.” He did sound quite desperate, again, but Niall had stopped listening after the first sentence.

“I’m- I’m not dating Liam.” Niall answered without thinking, but it was an automatic reaction because… what? 

“Oh.” Will didn’t even look happy, he just looked… genuinely surprised?! “But I saw you guys before your class.”

“I thought you said you aren’t stalking me.” That was IT, Niall was going to throw up right here in this hallway and probably be kicked out of uni. But wait- did that mean… 

“I’m not. I just waited for you in front of the class when my session was over because I knew you were in there. That’s not stalking.” It wasn’t because Liam had done the same, but Niall couldn’t think straight anymore, all of this was just too much. “So… you’re not dating.”

“No.” Niall should have said yes, he really should have, he was such a fucking idiot, he could have just told Liam and said he had done it to keep Will off his back, but then… then he would have also had to tell him about the text messages, and this whole meeting today and somehow… somehow Niall really did not want to do that. “It’s really not any of your business.”

“You’re right, I’m sorry. I was just really surprised, you looked like a couple and I when we talked last time I got the feeling that you- anyways, sorry, I just assumed.” Had they really looked like a couple? Now it was all Niall would be thinking about for days, great. 

There was silence between them, Will seemed to be lost in thoughts, and Niall was as well, almost forgetting who he was standing in front of because he was so busy trying to figure out if everyone who saw him and Liam together thought they were a couple also.

Not that it mattered. But… why did he like the thought so damn much? This was wrong. So fucking wrong, on so many levels. And yet…

“But you wanna be.” Will finally broke the silence, and Niall had to blink a couple times.

“What?” He had no idea what they were even talking about right now, he should have truly never stopped walking, just locked himself in the bathroom or ran off or something equally crazy. Maybe if he made Will believe he had actually completely lost the plot the man would lose interest.

Sadly, Niall had a feeling it would have only motivated him even more, because it also seemed as if the colder Niall pretended to be and the more he ignored him, the more desperate Will was getting. There really was no way out of this, was there?

“You wanna be with him.” Oh. 

“It’s not any of your business.” Niall repeated himself, having to clear his throat and- why had he not just said no?! Why was he doing the same shit again that he had done with Harry, why could he not just deny it?! 

“So I’m right.” Will concluded, and he didn’t look upset or anything, not even hopeful, which was weird, but Niall had no time to worry about it because he was busy hating himself. “I mean, I know I already said this the last time we talked, but don’t you think it’s inconvenient to live with him when-“

“I can do what I want. Can you stop trying to be subtle about wanting me to come live with you again? I won’t. I’d rather sleep in a ditch than in the same building as you.” Came out harsher than anticipated, but Will didn’t deserve anything better. Especially now.

“Ouch. Well, sorry if this is a sensitive topic for you. I am genuinely concerned, even if you think I’m not, but I still consider you as a friend. And I’m just saying, I know what it’s like. Unrequited feelings and-“

“I’m leaving.” Niall announced promptly, and then he turned on his heels, well aware that Will was again easily keeping up though. Maybe if Niall just stopped answering him and kept ignoring his presence he would give up eventually.

“I know I’m getting on your nerves and that this is genuinely bothering you, I just… I really want us to be friends. Or at least for us to talk via text again. I swear I’ll stop mentioning that I have feelings for you, even if I do. And I really hope you and Liam can figure this out, and that you won’t get hurt. He’d be so stupid to turn you down.” What the fuck?!

Niall stuck to his plan, pressing his lips together, even if he felt like exploding.

“I know this must be hard. But maybe you should tell him. I mean, somehow Louis managed to woo this lawyer as well. Isn’t he Liam’s cousin or something?” Wait… “Don’t worry, we just still have mutual friends, that’s how I know. Louis would still jump me if he saw me. He’s very loyal to you.”

Great. At least something good to come out of this conversation.

“Just… maybe you can think about it? Or if you need someone to talk to whose not involved, you know… “ How did he think he was NOT involved? He was the only reason Niall had moved in with Liam in the first place. “I’m gonna leave you alone now, but… can I at least say hello if I see you around? It’s not my fault that they are booking seminar rooms here to have the therapy sessions.”

“Whatever.” Niall had to answer, because he was afraid Will wouldn’t leave until he did. “Bye.”

Pretty sure Will said something else, but luckily a group of students had just exited a lecture hall and Niall somehow managed to disappear in between the crowd before taking a couple turns, and the stairs, walking halfway around the entire university building only to almost be late to his next class.

He could concentrate even less this time, and that really said something.

\-------------------------

Niall did go to Liam’s office to bring him food and eat with him when they both had a break, but he didn’t really feel like talking a lot. Not that the older man noticed, he was answering Emails and phone calls and generally seemed to be super stressed out and busy, so Niall pretended to be reading some of his notes on his laptop as well.

He still had only an empty word document with today’s date and the names of his classes so far, but whatever. He’d somehow try to get the notes from someone right before the exam, as he usually did, he had other worries right now.

Then again, were they really worries? He had known that he was definitely going overboard with the touches and affections and the cuddling, he had known what it must have looked like for other people, and it’s like… Niall hated that he had enjoyed the thought. Not that he did it only in public, because for his standards, he was actually toning it down whenever they weren’t home alone.

At the same time, was he not taking advantage of the way Liam was so willing to touch him back and to entertain Niall’s clingy ass? It meant different things to them, and Liam had no idea what it meant to Niall, so it was wrong, unless Niall would have told him about his feelings. 

In a way, did that not mean Niall was pretending that they were together in his head, just to make himself feel better, while the older man was clueless and thought Niall just needed attention and love like a child or something?

God.

And why did it have to be WILL pointing it out, saying all these stupid things and begging and apologizing and why did HE have to be the only person that seemed to love Niall enough to run after him like that? Make a fool of himself? Even go to fucking therapy? 

This was so messed up, and Niall’s head was spinning after another class, so he quickly texted Liam saying he’d go home early because the rest of his day had been cancelled because a professor was sick.

An obvious lie, but he doubted Liam would ever find out or really ask. Probably not even read the text until this evening because he was so out-booked as the new semester was apparently stressing out the entire university.

Ironic, how Liam was currently helping students with their personal and academic struggles in his office, while Niall was having both of those but couldn’t even tell him about either, because Liam WAS his personal struggle, and his academic issues were only a result of that.

For quite a while, Niall actually thought about going home, lying on the couch and crying until Liam would come as well, but then he changed his mind halfway. 

Instead, Niall impulsively got off at another bus stop, feeling a weird sense of familiarity as he walked down the street, but he wasn’t quite sure if it was a good or bad feeling. He briefly checked his phone for the time, after 3 in the afternoon, before he made a beeline for the bar.

Niall had no idea if Louis’ work schedule was still the same mess it had always been, he just prayed that just this once, he’d have some luck, because he really did NOT want to go home and wallow in self pity right now.

Turned out, the universe did decide to be on his side, just this once.

Louis was just wiping the counter, the bar empty except for like 4 customers, who seemed to be mostly drinking coffee though. Except that one guy in the corner, but Niall ignored him as he walked up to his friend, feeling slightly better already for some reason.

They hadn’t seen each other since the dinner, but they had talked on the phone and Niall had realized he missed Louis. He really did.

“Already bored?” Niall asked once he was close enough, smiling when Louis looked up, clearly surprised to see him.

“Nialler. Hey.” He seemed to be happy as well, which was a relief, and Niall had no idea what he had expected, but it was nice to know that they were still friends. Not that he had ever thought they wouldn’t be anymore, but things had most definitely changed. They had changed. “No classes?”

“They got cancelled.” Niall lied, just to keep his story straight for everyone involved as he went to sit on one of the bar stools. “Can I have some water?”

“What, just water?” Louis asked, laughing, but he did go to get Niall some of the water that was reserved for the employees, so he wouldn’t have to pay. God, Niall had not had it in ages, it seemed like a lifetime ago now that he and Louis had gone out clubbing together or gotten drunk or… other things. “Are you okay?”

“Sure, why wouldn’t I be?” For a second, Niall panicked, then he relaxed as the older man simply shrugged, realizing he had just asked out of habit, probably. He looked better, like he had at the dinner, and Niall felt a bit hopeful. “You?”

“I’m good.” Louis told him, nodding a bit. Then, a moment of silence. “I’m still sorry for-“

“I’ve already forgotten, Lou, it’s okay. I just came to hang out, I’m procrastinating a hundred things for uni right now and I didn’t feel like starting yet another series that I will never be able to finish.” Niall would have not been able to take another serious talk, especially about THIS. 

He was absolutely terrified of Louis finding out about his feelings for Liam as well. He was worried that maybe Harry had already told him, but it seemed unlikely, because one, Harry knew it would have gotten Louis upset, and two, Harry really did not seem to be the type to just carelessly share secrets like that.

Especially when he and Niall had talked about a few things that he probably didn’t want Louis to know about either.

“You came to the right place, then. As you can see, I can barely contain all the excitement, I might have to call the police again if this party doesn’t calm down soon.” Louis joked and Niall snorted, trying his hardest to fully relax. This was fine, he had only lied a little bit, and Liam wouldn’t ever know and Niall had just needed some distraction.

Surely the older man would have approved of Niall trying to take care of his mental health, right? Probably not in this way, but whatever, everyone was different. Or something like that at least.

“… are you really okay?” His friend asked again after Niall didn’t say anything, and Niall felt caught, as if it was written directly on his forehead, in neon letters.

He could have told Louis what had happened, but he would have had to say more than he wanted to, and he also knew that it would have only gotten the older man upset. Like, REALLY upset, and that was not something he needed to be right now, while at work. 

Also… Niall didn’t trust himself anymore, he would probably start blabbering about Liam way too much, and eventually Louis would find out the truth and also that Niall and Harry had talked way more than they should have and just… no.

“Yeah, just kinda tired… I’m working on my thesis now, it’s my last semester.” Niall explained, though Louis probably knew that already because he just nodded. “I’m, uh… a bit stressed out lately. Because, like, I’m not even really sure anymore why I bothered to go to uni in the first place.”

“To get a better job and be paid more, obviously.” Louis answered for him. “You wanted to turn your life around, and you already did in some ways. That’s a good thing.”

“Yeah… “ Niall mumbled, feeling stupid about saying these things to LOUIS, of all people. He was different though, since he had met Harry but also now compared to a couple weeks ago. Like, calmer, more thoughtful. “I kinda doubt I’ll find an actual good job with the degree I have though.”

“Maybe not right away, but eventually. I mean, I wouldn’t know anything about that, but I’m sure if you need help applying to places, writing your CV and all that stuff, Harry and Liam will help you with anything.” See, even the way he was saying this, Niall felt like Louis was a different person. He had never cared much about Niall going to university, had thought it was a waste of time though he had never really said it like that. Now it felt like their roles had been switched, somehow. “And you can just live with Liam for however long you want, I’m assuming.”

“He did say that, yeah… “ Multiple times, but Niall couldn’t accept that, obviously. He needed to move out on his own eventually, finally, even if every fiber in his body did not want that. Maybe it would get easier to forget about his feelings though, even if he’d probably spend most of his days alone and Liam would forget about him and- anyways. 

“But you don’t want to?” Louis asked, now sounding more curious, and he had to walk off for a moment to talk to a customer, but he was back more quickly than Niall would have liked.

“It’s not that.” Niall told him eventually, playing with his half empty glass of water. Honestly, he wished it wasn’t in the afternoon right now but much later, and that Louis wouldn’t have looked at him weird had he asked him to give him some booze.

The thing was, a couple months ago, Niall would have done exactly that, and Louis would have given it to him, and drank with him, but now, things were different. And it was definitely a more normal and healthy different, only why did Niall still feel like shit in this scenario as well?

“Then what is it? You know, if you need me to beat him up again, I will, just say the word. We can hide it from Harry.” It sounded like a joke, but Niall was aware that Louis probably truly meant it. 

“It’s not about him.” Niall lied, but then again, it wasn’t really a lie. Niall was the problem after all, not Liam. “It’s just… I feel bad. Constantly living with other people, I… I gotta grow up at some point, I guess. Have my own place, and life. Things like that. It’s more like… an identity crisis, as stupid as that sounds.”

“It doesn’t sound stupid at all. I get it.” Louis shrugged, busy doing whatever, Niall wasn’t really paying attention, he was having a staring contest with his glass of water. “It’s not your fault you’re in this situation, you know.”

“I know. But somehow that really does not make me feel any better.” Worse, actually. Because Niall knew his trauma would follow him wherever he went. All of his traumas, actually. “Can we talk about something else?”

“About what?” The older man seemed unsure, and not very happy about the idea, of just cutting the conversation off like that, but Niall ignored it.

“You and Harry?” He asked, hopeful, and Louis laughed, clearly surprised, but then he rolled his eyes. “What? You were never in a relationship this serious before, you can’t expect me to just never ask about it.”

“You can ask, but there’s nothing to say. We’re dating, that’s it. And we did already talk about it on the phone right after he told you.” Okay, now Louis was trying to play it cool and be tough, and Niall found it kinda cute, because he had never seen his friend like that.

He would have never expected Louis to act like this either, it was like… really refreshing. It also gave him some hope, because maybe Louis had stopped the drugs, maybe he would really get his drinking under control and stop the illegal side hustles. Harry was definitely a great influence on him, and maybe also the only one who could actually get through to him. Who would have thought?

“I think his parents really like you.” It had really felt like it, but Niall had also been distracted with different things during that dinner and Louis only shrugged. “So… who asked who?”

“Seriously? Are we like, 12?” Louis laughed out loud at least, and Niall grinned, but he had actually meant it, he had really been wondering for a long time and he hadn’t wanted to asked Louis over the phone. “We just talked about it, it was a mutual decision.”

“Why do you make it sound so formal?” Seriously, and this was coming out of _Louis’_ mouth, Niall could almost not believe it. “You’re like, a whole different person.”

“I don’t know if I should be offended or not.” The older man seemed amused though, so that was a good thing, and Niall felt himself relax more and more as time went on. This was nice, he barely ever spent time with anyone besides Liam lately, which he LOVED of course, but also… it clearly did not help him to get over his crush or come to terms with the fact that things between them would eventually change. At all. Quite the opposite, actually.

“I meant it as a good thing.” Niall assured him, not wanting to really get onto Louis’ nerves with it though and accidentally make it seem as if he had been in desperate need of a change because he had been a terrible person before, so he quickly kept talking. “Do you sleep over at his place a lot?”

“Is this an investigation now?” Yes.

“So, you do?” Niall concluded from that, pretending to be taking mental notes, just because he really enjoyed how happy and amused his friend seemed to be by all of it. So he DID wanna talk about Harry, just not this obviously. 

“Sometimes.” Louis shrugged, but it sounded like a _almost every night_ to Niall. “He also comes to my place.”

“Very domestic.” Niall nodded along as Louis rolled his eyes again, playfully. Internally, Niall was getting hopeful that that meant that Louis had stopped selling drugs and having these parties at his place. “Do you also have toothbrushes at each other’s places?”

They continued like that for quite a while, Niall asking the stupidest questions and Louis pretending as if he didn’t wanna talk about it, but then ending up answering all of them anyways. It was light fun and exactly the distraction Niall had needed from today.

Sometimes, he still wanted to just forget about everything in different ways, just down a few drinks or ask Louis for these pills and just not have to think for a while, escape from his life for a little bit. Niall knew it was an urge he should have suppressed, or tried to get rid of for real, but he didn’t have it often enough where he thought he’d give in.

Maybe Liam was right, Niall should have really talked to someone professional, about everything, but it was the very last thing he wanted to do.

It got later without either of them noticing because they kept a steady conversation, more customers came in, and eventually, Niall did drink a beer or two, because why not? Liam had not texted him back yet, so he was probably still working, possibly staying longer, and Niall told himself he didn’t care either way.

He got Louis to lock his backpack and jacket up in the employee room so he wouldn’t have to worry about that as more people came in, but otherwise he just stayed seated at the bar, chatting with Louis while the older man and his colleague were serving customers. 

Eventually, Niall did forget about checking his phone for the time being, and he also kinda forgot he hadn’t wanted to drink more than one beer. It was just easy to turn off his brain, and talk to a couple of people, and then some of his and Louis’ friends came by as well, the ones who had picked Louis’ side over Will’s, and needless to say… Niall stayed. 

He stayed because he didn’t wanna go home and be confronted with his own thoughts and mind or with Liam asking him questions because he wasn’t great at concealing his worries and feelings sometimes. And he also stayed because he had missed his friends somehow, even if not their lifestyles, but it made him realize that he had really just been holed up with Liam and inside his own head for what seemed like years.

And how would he have ever started to accept the way things were and the things he could never have, if he was just thinking about nothing else all day long? It actually seemed like a great option to socialize and get a bit tipsy instead.

This was a one-time event of course, lots of people went out for drinks after work or uni, also during the week, so Niall was good. It’s not like back when he would do this shit every day and black out and pop a couple pills and smoke pot. This was normal, harmless. Was it not?

“Nialler, when do you usually go home?” Louis asked at some point, and Niall was slightly confused by that question, but he was also drunk, so he just laughed. 

“I don’t have a home.” He told his friend, and some of their other friends were laughing along, all of them at least tipsy to a degree. Probably not as much as Niall, but they were also a lot more used to it now.

“Fine, when does Liam expect you to be at his place?” Louis rephrased, his voice a bit harder now, but it only made Niall laugh more, because it was just funny for some reason. The older man sighed, though they had to kinda yell at each other now as the place was packed and the music was playing too. “You know it’s like 8, right?”

“What?” Niall asked, not because he was shocked, but because he could only hear every second word Louis had said.

“I think you’re done for tonight.” Was all the man answered, taking the glass right out of Niall’s hand.

“Hey! You can’t just-“

“I can, you’re not paying for any of your drinks.” Louis reminded him, and Niall rolled his eyes, only to almost fall out of the bar stool and one of his friends having to hold his arm to keep him put. They all ended up laughing like idiots, except Louis, who had to leave again to serve someone else.

Niall had no idea how much longer he stayed, he did drink more of his friends’ drinks, and by the end of it, he had completely forgotten how much it had been. All he knew was that eventually, Louis had disappeared and someone else was now working the bar, and before his drunken mind could have put two and two together, Louis was already standing in front of him, dressed in his usual clothes now, Niall’s things in his hands.

“C’mon, we’re leaving.” He sounded rather strict and it made Niall giggle, because Louis had never been this way.

“Geez, Tommo, you’re not his dad.” Their friends noticed as well, but Louis ignored their teasing.

“I’m serious. Get up.” Louis held onto Niall’s arm, kinda forcing him to get up, and Niall half stumbled into him because he could barely stand on his own feet at this point. “Why’d you guys have to fill him up like that? You know he’s not drinking regularly anymore.”

“Your colleague gave us all of that, we weren’t gonna say no. And what’s up with you anyways? That new guy of yours not allowing you to have fun anymore?” There was more laughter from their friends, and Niall somewhat joined, but only because he was drunk. And well, so were they.

“Good luck getting home tonight.” Was all Louis told them before pulling Niall with him, despite the boy’s protests. “Stop whining, Nialler. You’ve been here for almost 6 hours.”

“So? Who cares, it was fun, I don’t wanna leaveee.” Niall was pouting, but that would never work on Louis, not back then, not now. “Lou… “

“Put this on.” Louis pulled him aside once they were out on the street, both of them struggling to get Niall to put on his jacket, and eventually, the older man just gave up. “Christ… you smell so freaking bad. What’s really going on with you? I thought you stopped doing that.”

“What?” Was all Niall asked, feeling dizzy, but Louis had probably just been talking to himself anyways.

Because Louis lived so close, they did actually get there without any major incidents, though the stairs inside the building proved to be quite a challenge for Niall. A very funny one for him, and probably annoying as hell for the older man.

“Okay, sit here, and eat that. And don’t spill the water everywhere.” Louis had made Niall sit on his couch with some plain, untoasted, toast, and a glass of water, sighing heavily when Niall did exactly that. Just a bit, but enough to get the couch wet. “I- whatever. Can you be quiet for a second?”

“But I’m soooo boreddd, Lou… “ Niall slurred, only picking the toast apart instead of eating it, slipping down to sit on the floor instead. 

Louis ignored him, he was standing up straight, calling someone on his phone. For the split of a second, Niall almost felt sober and panicked that Louis might be calling Liam, but that fear quickly vanished. Also, that would have been ridiculous.

“Hi, Haz, I- yeah my shift is over, I’m home. Where are you?” Niall was only half listening, he had resorted to lying on his back now, still picking apart what was left of the toast. “Listen, um… this is gonna sound- what?... no, it’s not about me, just- Niall’s here. And he’s like… drunk. Super drunk. And-… I can explain it, but it’s not gonna change anything. Pretty sure Liam doesn’t know where he is, so… you don’t have to-… okay, true… yeah, see you in a few minutes.”

Louis then ended the call, sighing deeply, but Niall didn’t even care anymore. He was tired, but also really bored, and very drunk

“Harry is gonna come over, okay?” The older man asked, going into his knees next to where Niall was lying on the floor. “Should I… I can text Liam from your phone, I can pretend it’s you.”

“No! No, don’t… he’ll be pissed.” Niall meant it, but he also couldn’t help the giggle fit leaving his mouth. “He’s gonna be sooo pissed, Lou… he hates when people drink too much.”

“Great.” Was all Louis said, then he just sat down next to Niall. “Nialler… what’s going on?”

“I’m so bored, I had sooo much fun with the guys, why did you-“

“It’s not what I mean. Why’d you come to the bar in the first place?” Louis kept pushing, and Niall was really drunk, so obviously, he wasn’t thinking straight.

Also suddenly, the whole story felt like a really great joke that he should have told his friend right at this second so they could laugh together.

“Guess who I saw today?” Niall asked, still giggling, not waiting for Louis to say a single word. “Will. He’s now in therapy or some shit, and I saw him at uni… he said he’s in love with me and that he wants to be friends, can you believe that? Also, he thought Liam and I are a couple, just because I kissed his cheek.”

“I… “ Louis was speechless, but drunk Niall did not notice, or care.

“I do that all the freaking time though, we probably really look like a couple… “ Then, for a moment, Niall felt himself getting really sad. “We even sleep in the same bed.”

“Niall, you’re drunk, maybe we should not talk about this. I shouldn’t have asked, I-“

“I’m in love with him.” Niall blurted out, out of nowhere, it was like, it did not even come from his own mouth as he turned his head to look up at his friend, that’s what it felt like. “But he will never like me back. The only person who loves me is Will, he keeps running after me, he texted me a couple times. He even came to the store a while ago and apologized. And today he was all like, telling me he’s now a good guy or something, and that he misses me.”

There was silence, only for a just a moment, and then Niall tried to sit up quite a few times, because he failed so many, and he’d surely have bruises tomorrow from hitting the wood floor so often. He didn’t care though, he was just laughing at himself while Louis was watching him, but Niall wasn’t thinking about that.

He had already forgotten everything he had told his friend.

“I need to pee.” He announced, wanting to stand up, but Louis kept him down with a hand on his shoulder.

“Please hold it.” He sounded almost as if he was begging, which only made Niall laugh more. “Nialler… don’t talk to Will, okay? If you see him again-“

“He keeps running after me, he’s sooo annoying… but I felt a bit bad… also-“

“Ni, I’m serious. Look at me.” Louis demanded, and Niall had a lot of trouble doing so. “You should tell Liam about this.”

“Why? Thought you hate Liam, you even beat him up, and he-“

“It’s not about me. You should tell him everything Will told you, and whatever he texted you. Liam should know.” Louis insisted, but before he could say anything else, the doorbell rung. “Fuck- that’s Harry. Stay on the floor, okay? I’ll be right back.”

And then Niall was alone, so he resorted to lying down again, playing with his phone for a bit, but his sight was dizzy and he WAS aware that he had some texts from Liam, but he didn’t read them nor did he unlock his phone. Not that he would have still even remembered how to do that.

“… he is. I didn’t give him more than two beers, but there were lots of people tonight, I was busy, I couldn’t watch him the whole time.” Niall was a bit aware that Louis was talking about him, but he cared a lot more about seeing Harry.

Somehow, that made him really happy.

“I should probably call Li-“

“Harry!” Niall scrambled to get up on his feet, of course half falling over on his way to hug Harry, almost taking them both down as he clung to him. “I’ve not seen you in ages!”

“Yeah, nice to see you too, Nialler. Not the first time you’re this drunk either, huh?” He was holding onto the boy, making sure he wouldn’t fall. “You okay?”

“I’m great. Just really bored, your boyfriend made me leave the bar, I was having so much fun.” Niall whined to Harry, who laughed at him, guiding him over to sit on the couch instead.

“I’m glad you had fun. I’ll call Liam now, okay? He’s surely wondering where you-“

“No! No, don’t. He’ll be mad.” Niall panicked again for a moment, somehow getting a weird feeling about this. “He can’t know.”

“He’s gonna find out either way, I’m sure he already texted you a few times and-“

“He can’t know that I love him.” The youngest boy continued, ignoring what Harry had said, he hadn’t even heard it. When neither Harry nor Louis answered, Niall felt confused as he watched them exchange a look through his dizzy sight. God, his head was spinning, he couldn’t even really feel his fingers anymore. “What?”

“Nothing. I’ll be right back, okay?” Harry petted his head, ignoring Niall’s whines and easily brushing off his hand when he tried to make him stay.

Louis took the space next to him instead, and Niall let himself fall back into the couch, not missing the way Harry and Louis were touching each other in passing. He could have never been too drunk for that.

“I saw that.” He commented rather loudly, and Louis just laughed a bit. 

“Maybe you should try to take a nap or something.” He suggested, but Niall ignored him. “Do you still need the bathroom?”

“Hmm, no.” Niall decided, thinking that maybe, just MAYBE, a nap did not sound all too bad. “Did you and Harry fuck on this couch?”

“’course not.” Louis answered immediately, he was smirking though, and Niall was just confused, not sure whether he should have gotten up or not. “Even if we had, you wouldn’t be get up without falling over anyways.”

“Oh, yeah? Watch me.” Niall announced, but sadly, his friend turned out to be very right.

At least Louis was amused for a little bit as he just watched him, making sure Niall wouldn’t get hurt, and by the time Harry came back from the other room, Niall was really thinking hard about that suggested nap.

“Let’s go for a drive.” Harry suggested, and Niall was too exhausted to really be excited about it.

“Nooo, I’m tired now. First Louis makes me leave the bar and now-“

“You can sleep in the car.” Hmm. “It’ll be fun, promise. I thought you were bored?”

Good point.

Niall had no idea how he actually got downstairs and inside the car, but Louis sat in the backseat with him, and Niall was drifting in and out of sleep the entire time, his head bumping uncomfortably against the window until Louis stuffed his jacket in between.

There were pieces of conversation Niall overhead that he wasn’t sure if he had dreamed or not, but he also couldn’t fully grasp and remember them. He was drunk and tired and just so, so exhausted.

“… so he told you this before? That he’s into Liam?”

“He didn’t tell me, I guessed it, he never denied it. I didn’t wanna tell you, it’s none of our business.”

“I know, just… I’m kinda sure Liam sees him as just a little brother. The way he treats him… it’s like he did, even back then.“

“Niall knows that. That’s probably why he showed up to the bar to get smashed.”

“… or because he saw Will.”

“What? Where?”

“At uni, today. Apparently he said he loves him or something… god, I should have really killed that guy when I had the chance. I still could. You’d know how to cover up a murder, right?”

“No. You need to stop saying these things, Lou, even as a joke. Okay? We talked about that. I know you hate this guy, and we all want him to be charged for what he did, but even if Niall wanted to sue him, it would never go through.” 

“I know, and Niall would refuse to do it anyways… god, I can’t believe this. What else don’t I know? Why’d Niall talk to you about these things?”

“Because I’m good to talk to? No, but… that night, when you and Liam beat each other up… me and Niall just talked a lot the next day. He also… I probably shouldn’t-“

“Just say it.”

“He showed me text messages from Will… I think this guy really does love him, as fucked up as it is.”

“You should tell Liam.”

“I won’t, Niall would never forgive me, or us, he told me in private, and you while he was smashed. He might not even remember tomorrow, he’s so out of it.”

“So? Liam’s the only one who sees him all the time, he should know about this. He can stop Niall from ever going back to this asshole, we can’t. I don’t like Liam, but he cares more about Niall than his own life, I think, so that’s good enough for me. I’m afraid Niall will eventually give in to Will, especially now that I know he’s in love with Liam.”

“I’ll talk to Niall, but I won’t tell Liam myself. And neither should you.”

“I’d never talk to Liam in general.”

And then everything kind of just became a mess of words and sounds, and before Niall knew it, he was being shaken awake. Had any of that even really happened? Or had it just been a fragment of his imagination?

“C’mon, time to wake up, Ni.” It was Harry’s voice, and Niall felt cold and he had no car door to lean against anymore.

“Nooo… I need… sleep… “ Niall mumbled, but the other man wasn’t allowing him to drift off again.

“I’ll wait here. Don’t forget his backpack.” Louis said somewhere in the background while Harry was literally pulling Niall out of the car. God, why?

“Where are we?” The younger boy managed to bring out, the surroundings dark and therefore unfamiliar.

“Home.” Was all Harry said, which confused Niall even more. “Trust me, even if you’ll be mad at me in a second, just know you will forgive me and be grateful very soon.”

“What?” Was this another dream?

The older man was dragging him inside a building and into an elevator, and eventually, Niall came to his senses, a little bit. 

It was too late when his eyes met Liam’s pretty much the moment Harry dragged him out of the elevator, and honestly, looking back, Niall was just glad he didn’t puke into another hallway right then and there.

\----------------------

Liam felt overwhelmed, relieved, but also confused and yeah, hurt.

Sure, Niall could do whatever he wanted, go out, stay out all night even, but it would have still been nice to at least been informed. Especially because he had literally texted Liam that he would just go home after uni because of cancelled classes or something.

And who knew if that was even true.

So Liam had been worried sick for bloody hours, had tried to tell himself it was nothing, that Niall was with friends, even though he never was, but what did he know? Liam had even started to get paranoid about Niall being with Will, he had almost gone as far as to call LOUIS, out of all people.

Maybe he should have, he might have been able to solve this mystery a lot sooner.

“You okay, Nialler?” Liam tried his best to make his voice sound friendly and soft, even though it was obvious that Niall was not okay. And very much drunk, as Harry had to half carry him.

“Yeah. Sure.” Niall sounded weird, his words were slurred, but it was still obvious in his body language, that he did not want to be here. “’m sorry… “

“It’s fine.” Liam lied, sharing a few too many looks with Harry as his cousin half shoved Niall over into Liam’s hold instead, putting his backpack on the floor. “Thanks, Haz… “

“You’re welcome. Try not to puke, okay, Nialler? See you soon.” Harry didn’t stay, he only waved, but he pointed at his phone for only Liam to see, clearly telling him he would text him before disappearing down the stairs.

“Alright… “ Liam let out a sigh, having to hold the boy up and somehow get his backpack into his apartment too. “Let’s get you to bed.”

“I’m not tired.” Niall whined, and it almost made Liam laugh, but he had been too worked up the past few hours to really be amused now. “Liammm… “

“C’mon. I got you, it’ll be okay.” Would it?

There was a lot of resistance, and Liam had genuine trouble getting Niall’s shoes off and getting him to half collapse on the bed. No way was he going to try and undress him now, he had barely even managed to lock the front door.

“Do you need some water?” Liam asked, sitting on the edge of the mattress, on his own side, because that’s where Niall had insisted he would lie down. After Niall had kicked the blankets off three times, the older man had just given up and let him. He’d do it once the boy had fallen asleep, which would hopefully be very soon.

“No… ’s gross… “ The boy mumbled, moving around even more, seemingly restless. “Li… “

“Yeah?” There was no way they would have a serious conversation tonight, maybe not even tomorrow, so Liam was just hoping Niall would fall asleep soon. God, what even was this day? Liam was exhausted from work, but also from spending so many hours worried. And it was only Monday. 

“You look so good today.” It came out of nowhere, but the words were really slurred and Niall’s eyes were half closed, so Liam only rolled his own.

“You need to sleep.” He told the boy, gently, but firmly.

The truth was, Liam was of course not mad at all, he had no right to be, it was just… he felt hurt, and a bit disappointed, though both feelings felt out of place. Niall was an adult, and he would not live here forever, and then what? How would Liam survive feeling worried constantly, not knowing if the boy would fall back into old habits like tonight?

The fact that Liam was dealing with students all day who had less problems than Niall apparently did, was really fucking ironic. And also sad, because something must have been really bothering Niall, and he obviously did not trust Liam enough to talk to him about it. No, he would rather go and get smashed.

“But it’s true… but you look really good every day… “ Niall kept rambling, forcing his eyes to say open as they dropped closed every few seconds. “… can you hold my hand?”

“Okay. For what?” Liam did as asked, because why not? Niall’s grip was very weak, but the smile on his lips seemed genuine, though very thin.

“’m just not sure if this is real… “ He whispered, squeezing Liam’s fingers. “I had so much to drink…”

“I heard.” Harry had kept the call brief, but it hadn’t needed much explaining. It was obvious that all of them seemed to be missing the key information as to why Niall had gone to the bar in the first place.

Then again, the fact that he had gone to visit Louis was not a surprise, they were very good friends after all, Liam just felt weird having to simply accept that Niall might have gotten this drunk for no reason. But what if he had? What if he had done this all the time when he hadn’t been living here?

Maybe he was just holding back because he knew Liam would have disapproved of it, and he hadn’t really gotten over his urges to do so. There had to have been a trigger though, Liam was suddenly certain of it.

For a second, Liam almost asked Niall why, almost tried to use the chance that he was this drunk to get him to tell him the truth about what was really going on, but it felt very wrong to take advantage of him like that, so he didn’t. “Sleep.”

“I can’t… “ Niall whined, again turning, but keeping Liam’s hand in his. “Cuddle with me.”

“I still gotta change and get ready for bed.” Liam had not even eaten out of worry, he had literally been about to actually get in his car and look for Niall when his cousin had called before.

“But Liam… “ The boy was pouting now, and it was almost a bit cute. “I can’t sleep without you.”

“I’m here.” He tried to reassure Niall, using his free hand to brush some hair out of the boy’s forehead. He smelled like a whole entire bar, and Liam had no idea how he was actually going to sleep in here, but he didn’t have much of a choice. Well, the couch, but… “Close your eyes.”

“But then I can’t see you anymore.” Niall kept whining, and Liam didn’t know what else to say.

A really weird moment followed that statement, consisting of them just looking at each other, in complete silence except their breathing, and Niall’s eyes half closed, his face flushed from all the alcohol in his blood. For another second, Liam almost asked again, about what had happened, why Niall had done it, why he hadn’t texted, if he wanted to talk about it and maybe finally accept the help Liam was always offering.

Turns out, there was no need for him to ask, though Liam didn’t get it right away.

“Li… “ Niall started again, breaking the silence, and Liam only blinked, his hand getting sweaty against Niall’s. “I was gonna ask something… but I can’t do it when I’m sober, because I’m… scared.”

“You can ask me anything.” Liam encouraged him, and in hindsight, he might have kicked his own ass for that. How would he have known though?

The younger boy didn’t ask immediately, and for being drunk, he was being very quiet, but then his question made it obvious yet again that he was anything besides sober. “Do you think you could ever not see me as your little brother?”

“What do you mean?” Liam was confused, more than that, pulling up his eyebrows. “Why would-“

“So that means no?” Why did Niall suddenly look so damn sad?

“I didn’t say anyth- you’re drunk, you really need to sleep and-“

“Can I do something even if you’ll hate me if I do it?” Wait, what?

“Ni… I’m not sure we should be having a conversation like that, and I’m also not really sure what’s going on or what you mean. You had a lot to drink and- you shouldn’t be sitting up.” But he already had, and Liam was unable to stop him.

The boy’s face was still really sad for some reason, disappointed almost, and Liam had to resist the urge to lean back when they were almost face to face, still holding hands, because Niall smelled so freaking bad.

“Niall-“

“I’m sorry.” Niall blurted out, and his eyes suddenly looked very watery, and Liam was really overwhelmed by the entire situation. “I’d never be brave enough to do this again sober so this is my last chance to do it and I’m sorry.”

“What do you m-“

Niall shut Liam up by kissing him, AGAIN, and Liam froze, for even longer than the first time. Because the boy was drunk, it was even more sloppy and messy and Niall pulled back before Liam could have done it, feeling completely brain dead afterwards.

They looked at each other, and Niall was crying now and Liam couldn’t breathe, this time not because of the stinging smell of alcohol.

“I’m sorry. I can’t help it.” Niall sounded desperate, drunk, but desperate, and almost immediately, Liam knew what exactly he couldn’t help. His feelings.

Finally, it seemed like a curtain had been lifted or something, and Liam felt like a right fucking idiot for never having peaked behind it, for just having brushed this off when he had told Harry about the time Niall had kissed him the first time.

It was not an explanation for tonight, but it was definitely a beginning, and the problem was, Liam had always thought that once Niall truly opened up to him, he would be able to help, he would be able to make him feel better and make sure people who made him feel this way would stay out of his life. But turns out, that person was actually Liam himself.

Well, shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it is eleven pm, on the dot, as i finished this chapter haha! idk why my time management is so freaking bad, but somehow i pull it off every week. hope you liked the chapter though it was a bit dramatic maybe. i love writing scenes between will and niall, idk why, maybe i just like emotional stuff and fighting a bit too much :p anyways! no idea what will happen in the next chapter, like, i really have zero ideas at this point, but i guess i have an entire week to figure this out! 
> 
> i was also gonna ask you guys if maybe some of you have wishes or ideas for oneshots... like really oneshots, this time i mean it, i swear :p im just trying to get inspired i guess, ive been reading a lot of fics in other fandoms (it was bts, im not gonna pretend it wasnt) and it kinda gave me a few ideas for plots, but i really wanted to see if maybe you guys also have something. i know i always ask this, and then i just go ahead and do what i want, but it really does inspire me a lot and im a bit nervous of this fic ending and not having something lined up, i need the stability :p especially now that my life is basically gonna just become my master thesis rip
> 
> hope you guys are doing well, and staying healthy, and handling this pandemic better than me! love you <3


	17. Chapter 17

“You… you need to sleep.” Liam kept repeating, because he had no idea what else to say and his brain just felt… empty.

Like, what? All this time, Niall had liked him that way? And Liam had just brushed the first kiss off because… yeah, because why? Was he really that fucking stupid that he hadn’t been able to tell until now?

Apparently.

“Liam… “ Niall was still crying, he was also still very, very drunk and Liam needed to keep it together for a few more minutes before freaking out over this inside his head.

Didn’t help that he could still recall the feeling of Niall’s lips against his, the faint taste of alcohol because of how close they had been just now and the boy still sitting with barely any regard for distance. Fuck.

“It’s all good, Niall. I’m not mad.” Liam tried to reassure him, and at least it wasn’t a lie. Who could have been mad at someone for liking someone? It’s just… what the fuck was Liam going to do with this? How was he supposed to act? Should they talk about this tomorrow?

Maybe, if Liam was really lucky, Niall wouldn’t be able to remember, maybe, just maybe, Liam could try to tell him it had been a dream, a drunken fantasy, but- how cruel would that have been, messing with the boy’s memory like that? Also-

“I’m sorry.” The boy kept repeating, and he did look like it, very desperate as well, so Liam had to take it a step further as he forced himself to smile.

“It’s fine, Nialler. C’mon, lie down. I’m gonna stay here, okay?” He briefly ruffled the boy’s hair to make it seem more normal, dragging his thumb down his cheek, and eventually, Niall did comply. “We can talk about this tomorrow, yeah? You need to get some rest.”

“But Liam… “ Niall whined, clutching onto his hand yet again and Liam was really struggling to keep his facial expression steady and soft. “I wanna talk about it now.”

“Ni… you are really drunk.” Liam started, then he hesitated for a moment. “Do you trust me?”

“Yes.” The boy blurted out immediately, and Liam’s smile was real for a second.

“Then we should not talk about this right now, and you should try to sleep, because once you’re sober you are gonna regret if you don’t.” No idea if Niall had gotten any of this considering how drunk he was, but he still nodded regardless. “Sleep.”

“But you’ll stay here?” It was really not good for Liam’s heart, hearing how much Niall needed him here just so he could sleep.

The thing was, it only came to him now, how Niall wasn’t only like this when he was drunk. No, it was always like this. He always waited up for Liam, he always wanted to sleep so close, he always- god, Liam was a fucking idiot. 

Maybe in his mind, Niall had still been this little boy all along, even though he hadn’t ever consciously thought about it that way. But now… it seemed his clinginess and whatever came with it were not to blame on the fact that his past had traumatized him and that he was afraid Liam would abandon him again.

No idea if that was a good or a bad thing.

“Where would I go?” Liam answered softly as he looked down at the boy, almost wanting to let out a sigh in relief when Niall did finally close his eyes.

It didn’t take long for him to pass out, and Liam could finally throw the blanket over him, wishing Niall wouldn’t have to sleep in those disgusting clothes and jeans, but it was what it was now.

Liam stayed on the edge of the bed, the lights were still turned on and he was just staring down at Niall, not knowing what to think anymore. How was he ever gonna approach this tomorrow? And how were they supposed to continue, if this was how Niall truly felt about him?

It still seemed a bit weird in Liam’s head, as if it couldn’t be real, as if it had to be a mistake, as if Niall had just been THAT drunk, but then… the first kiss was still prominent in Liam’s mind, as well as Harry’s words and- wait, Harry.

Somehow Liam wasn’t sure if he really wanted to consult Harry again, because it had felt like breaking Niall’s trust in the first place, but on the other hand, considering Harry and Niall building this weird friendship over text, the time they had hung out all day… it made Liam wonder if maybe his cousin already knew.

If he did, then Louis probably knew as well, and Liam really did not want to have to deal with this mess of everybody they knew knowing about it. Surely, Niall would have felt humiliated, and Liam… well, he didn’t know what to even feel or think in the first place.

Harry had indeed texted him like he had motioned to Liam before leaving, but it was just a very cryptic message, and Liam didn’t really know how to reply to it.

_Harry 21:54  
Louis and I both think that somethings going on with niall, maybe you should talk to him. But don’t tell him that I said that, trust me, it wouldn’t end well._

So what now? What if Liam already knew what was going on? Did that mean Harry knew and wanted Liam to find out, or that he was also clueless and just suspecting? Then again, why would it even matter in the first place? It wouldn’t change anything.

Liam simply locked his phone again, staring at Niall’s face for a few moments longer before slowly, carefully, pulling his hand out of the younger boy’s. Niall didn’t even move a single bit, but he was breathing quite heavily in his sleep, so Liam could be certain he was alive. After all that alcohol, he barely dared to even leave the room right now.

But he did, because he needed a moment to breathe, drink some water, and just try to be rational. Sometimes Liam wished that because he was a psychologist, he could have somehow given himself the advice he gave to others, but it never seemed to work that way.

Also, what advice would he have given anyways? Talk about it. Converse. Don’t swallow it. Don’t push it away. Communicate.

Only, what would that help if the other person would bolt out the door the moment a conversation would start? Maybe it really was Liam’s only hope that Niall would not remember, as cruel as it was.

He spent the rest of the night trying to tell himself that he wasn’t an asshole for wishing this had never happened, for not even knowing his own feelings and for clearly having broken the boy’s heart more than once.

This was a disaster, and Liam truly saw no way out of it when he finally lied down next to Niall, at 2 in the fucking morning, and tried to get some rest at last.

\-------------------

When Niall woke up, it wasn’t because he felt rested or because it was even early enough to get up in the first place, it was because he literally thought he would be puking all over himself in a second. Somehow, and no idea how, Niall did make it to the bathroom, and he did find the toilet in time before emptying his stomach inside.

It was really bad, but it didn’t last very long, and Niall felt terrible right after. His face felt wet and way too hot, his mouth tasted absolutely disgusting and his clothes were literally sticking to his body as he sat in silence afterwards, the cold tiles feeling kinda nice against his back as he was still on the floor.

The room was dark, Niall hadn’t turned on any lights, but he knew the place so well by now he had found here easily. Pretty sure the sun wasn’t even up, but it also didn’t really matter as Niall let his head fall back with a thump, pressing his eyes closed.

He couldn’t remember what had happened after Louis had dragged him out of the bar, he could barely even remember that, and then, yeah, something told him Harry had been dropping him off here, but the rest… it was all gone.

There were some weird flashbacks from inside the bar, and other things that Niall was 99% sure were dreams. His memory was too slow to really catch onto that, and he was certain it would have slipped away completely in just a couple minutes.

Shit.

Of course Niall still knew why he had gone to the bar in the first place, about Will and all of that, he just wasn’t sure how to explain this to Liam. Or if he had already done it last night, while drunk out of his mind. What if he had said other things, too?

But that wasn’t very realistic, honestly, Niall must have been so drunk he couldn’t have even said anything coherent even if he had wanted to… right?

Well, he was probably about to find out.

Niall didn’t feel drunk anymore, hours must have passed, but he had a headache and he felt goddamn awful all around, so it took him ages to actually get up off the floor. The lights would have only hurt his eyes, so Niall didn’t turn them on, he simply tiptoed back to the bedroom, careful not to wake Liam as he attempted to get fresh clothes.

The room smelled awful, and Niall knew it was his own fault, but he felt bad for Liam. Also that the man seemed to be sleeping on the wrong side of the bed, but that had surely been his last concern. How had he even managed to fall asleep in here in the first place?

Niall did his best to be as quiet as possible as he went back to the bathroom, half ripping those clothes off of his body before getting in the shower, keeping the water as cold as he could somehow manage and actually survive. It felt good, though the coldness kinda hurt, but Niall deserved it anyways.

What the fuck had he been thinking?

The headache was still there afterwards, and so was the taste in Niall’s mouth, so he ended up brushing his teeth very aggressively, stuffing his clothes into the washing machine without turning it on though. He had no idea how late it was, but he didn’t wanna risk waking Liam too soon.

Who the fuck got drunk like that on a Monday night? Right, someone as stupid as Niall.

Niall had only just gotten done brushing his teeth and was flushing the toilet a couple more times, just to be sure, when he heard a knock against the door that made his heart stop for a second.

“Niall?” Liam was asking through it, and Niall was aware that he was probably worried.

“Yeah, just a second.” The boy answered, feeling bad for having been too loud, but it was too late. And he couldn’t have possibly NOT showered.

“Everything okay?” Liam continued, and Niall quickly went to open the door, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand to remove any residue from the toothpaste. As if that still mattered.

“Yeah, I’m good… just a headache and, um… yeah. Sorry if I woke you, I felt disgusting.” Niall apologized, running his fingers through his still damp hair. The older man still seemed worried, but Niall barely looked at him, he was so fucking embarrassed that last night had happened. 

“You didn’t, I wasn’t sleeping very deep, so… “ Thanks to Niall. “It’s only 5 in the morning.”

“Oh.” Niall had never checked the clock, but now he was definitely a bit surprised. So they still had at least 2 hours before they’d even have to think about leaving. “You can, um, go back to sleep, I’m fine. I promise.”

“I’m not really tired anymore… but you should sleep some more. If you can.” Liam continued and Niall shrugged a bit helplessly, quickly deciding to leave the bathroom so they wouldn’t be facing each other anymore. “Niall… “

“I’m really sorry about last night, um… I don’t know what I was thinking. I just wanted to see Louis, and some of my friends showed up and… I kinda forgot the time, and we were drinking and- Louis’ colleague gave us everything for free because he knows us, so… I don’t know. I don’t really remember what happened after, just that Louis dragged me out. And I think Harry brought me here?” Niall asked, because he wasn’t sure.

“He did… “ Liam confirmed, a weird expression on his face as he also came over to where Niall had sat on one of the bar stools in the kitchen. It was so early that it was still pitch black outside and Niall thought that sitting here in the kitchen with the lights on felt like it was night time rather than morning. “You don’t remember anything after that?”

“No. Why? Did I do something really stupid? Did I- wait, I actually don’t wanna know. I’m really sorry, Li.” He knew Liam wasn’t mad, probably just disappointed, but he was a bit weirded out by the fact that the older man looked… relieved? It was the only description Niall had for the way he reacted.

“You don’t have to apologize, Nialler. You’re an adult and you can do what you want.” Liam was clearly starting their morning routine early now by making coffee, so Niall just watched, nodding a bit, surprised when the man suddenly let out a laugh. “I mean, I’m not the one who had to drag your drunk ass out of that bar and later into a car.”

“I should apologize to Louis and Harry.” Was all Niall concluded from that, his cheeks turning hot but the older man simply let out another laugh and Niall relaxed the slightest bit. Maybe they wouldn’t have to ever talk about this.

“Maybe.” Liam agreed after a second, then he turned around, leaning against the counter, and Niall realized he had jinxed it. “We should… talk.”

“About me getting drunk?” Niall asked straight out, because that was why Liam wanted to talk, right? If nothing else had happened? “I was really just… it happened in the moment. I know that’s not exactly, like… normal. But… I was really stressed lately, because of uni and my thesis and… my future.”

“What about your future?” Liam asked, already looking worried and god, Niall was so bad at lying. Well, not exactly, but a little bit.

“It just stresses me out.” But Liam knew that, did he not? “I mean… I don’t know what I’m gonna do, work wise and all of that… I don’t know if getting a degree was the best idea. But then again… what else would I be doing now anyways?”

“It was a good idea. And you don’t have to worry about getting a job, okay? You can keep yours until you find something, and I’ll help you with that, I can also ask around. Maybe Harry and Zayn know someone. It’s going to be fine, Nialler.” Liam kept talking and Niall just nodded, kinda waiting for him to say he could stay here for as long as he wanted, because he always said that, but this time, he didn’t. “And about your thesis, if you have questions or if you’re stuck, I can try to help or you email your professor?”

“Yeah, it’s, uh, not that, just… exhausting to work on it, that’s all.” Niall shrugged a bit, looking at his hands. Why were they having this conversation at 5 in the morning? “I know that you think something is up because I got so drunk, but… I’m really okay. Like… I know it’s a bit fucked up, and I know we both know that I’ve done this a lot in the past to cope, but… it really was not like that.”

“But you know that even if it was like that… you could talk to me, right? About literally anything at all, no matter what it is.” Why was he saying it so intensely? “Or… if you don’t wanna talk to me… I know Harry would always be there to listen too. Or Louis.”

“There’s nothing to talk about, just the usual. But you all already know about that, it’s just… life.” Niall cleared his throat, feeling super weird and a bit nervous and somehow, he couldn’t get rid of the feeling that something had happened last night that he had forgotten about. “I’ll be fine.”

There was silence between them, and then Liam had to move to get the coffee, and he also started to make breakfast while Niall literally did not help with any of it. He also refused to go and get his phone, he really just sat there, watching Liam as if in trance, not really knowing what he should have been doing, or what to even think.

He did get up eventually to get himself a pill for his headache, and then to help Liam a little, but they stayed very quiet through most of it and Niall tried to keep as much distance between them as possible. This was so strange, all of it.

“I didn’t really think about the fact that we will be getting hungry really soon if we eat breakfast already.” Liam was the one who said it once they had sat down on opposite ends of the kitchen isle. 

“Only like one hour sooner.” Niall didn’t care, he really needed to eat after puking, but he couldn’t tell Liam that. It would have only gotten him worried, just like… many, many other things. “I’m staying late today, I get more done in the library.”

“Are you coming to my office when I’m done?” Liam asked casually, so the younger boy simply nodded, then he hesitated.

“Maybe… maybe I’ll stay longer, I’m not sure. I can take the bus home.” Saying that had been a mistake, but now it was already out.

“I can pick you up.” The older man insisted immediately, but Niall only shrugged.

“No, you’re tired after work, and I might only stay a little bit longer, it’s fine. Thanks though.” Somehow, Niall thought Liam would keep pushing, but then he suddenly agreed, and that was it.

What? Since when?

They ate mostly in silence, Liam eventually opened his laptop and Niall just stared at nothing at all. Clearly last night could not just be brushed under the rug, and clearly Liam knew Niall was lying, but neither of them did anything about it. Great.

Because they had so much time left, Niall just continued eating even after Liam was done, and then he did the dishes super slowly before changing his clothes yet again and re-packing his uni bag around twelve times. Eventually, Niall did check his phone.

There were messages from his friends still about last night, one from Louis telling him to take it easy today and that they could talk if he wanted to (not very Louis-like) and one from Harry saying he was hoping Niall wouldn’t be too hungover today. It was easy to ignore them all.

They barely talked to each other until it was time for them to leave, and actually, Niall wouldn’t have even had to go in so early because he didn’t have a class until 10:00, but it was whatever. 

It felt kinda unrealistic that, just a day ago, Niall had been clinging to Liam in those hallways and kissed his cheek and Will had thought they were a couple, and today they just parted ways with a quick “bye, see you later”. Was Liam pissed and just trying to hide it? Or disappointed? Or was he waiting for Niall to make the first step, and tell him the truth?

Well, too bad Niall would never be able to tell him the truth. Like, literally EVER.

Sure, he could have told him about Will, and the text messages too, but for what? It would have gotten Liam upset, probably paranoid too that Will was stalking Niall, when he wasn’t, so why do it? It wouldn’t solve anything, it would have only made things much worse.

So all there was for Niall to do was sit in the library, stare at his laptop without actually ever opening a browser or any documents, and feeling sorry for himself.

What the fuck was he even doing with his life? And for how much longer would everything be this fucked up? It had been since forever, and it really did not seem fair that it never got better, even Louis had somehow found a way out of it without even looking, and Niall was going through all this, trying his hardest and yet…

It never seemed to be good enough.

\-------------------------

“Umm… can we talk?” Liam wasn’t sure what had been going through his mind when he had simply decided to call Harry up in his lunch break, knowing well enough that it was his cousin’s break too. And that he was about ruin it.

“About Niall?” Was all Harry asked, and Liam tried not to roll his eyes. Thank god Niall had a class during lunch today, no idea what they would have been doing not really speaking to each other, except for Niall lying and… god damn it, Liam had thought it was a good thing if Niall forgot about last night, but now… 

“Kinda.” Totally.

“Did you talk to him?” Harry sounded as if he expected a no, and Liam was about to say that, but then he decided not to. He needed to talk about this with someone, or he would go insane.

“I tried.” Liam started, clearing his throat a bit. “Umm… something happened. Last night.”

“Yeah, that’s why I said you need to talk to-“

“No, I mean, something else. Like, after you dropped him off.” God, why was Liam blushing over it now?! 

“What?” His cousin finally sounded as if he was giving Liam his full attention, and, to his defense, Liam really had no right to ruin his lunch break with no warning, but it was what it was.

“Well, I… you know, told him to go to bed and- he did, and then-“

“Please just get to the point, Li, I still wanna eat.” Oh.

“He kissed me.” Liam blurted out, and somehow, that helped to continue. “He asked if I could ever see him as more than a little brother, and then I didn’t really know what to say and- he said he just wanted to kiss me again because he’d be too afraid to ask sober and that he just wanted to do it one more time and- but he can’t remember it, Haz. And now I don’t know what to do.”

“Hold on… he can’t remember it? Are you sure?” Harry sounded very alarmed, which was good, because at least he wouldn’t just hang up now. “He could just be embarrassed.”

“He’s bad at hiding his embarrassment, I’m sure he really can’t remember. And… it feels wrong not to tell him, but… fuck, Harry, what am I gonna do?” Seriously?

“I mean, it’s not like he didn’t kiss you before last n-“

“This is really not funny, I’m freaking out. We can barely talk to each other, he keeps lying telling me he’s fine and that he just got drunk for fun and because he’s stressed because of uni and his graduation and- I can’t keep on pushing. He doesn’t wanna talk to me.” And even if he did… would it have helped? Because what would Liam have done?

“I wasn’t trying to be funny, I just don’t know why you’re freaking out over it. You simply ignored it the first time as well.” Okay, why did he sound so cold now?

“What else would I have done? I didn’t think it was possible that he has feelings for me, I thought- but now… I don’t know how this happened. I just… we were like brothers and-“

“We already had this talk, Liam, you know how I feel about it. Plus, I think it’s a little weird you have this realization after he kissed you drunk, but when he literally did it _sober_ you didn’t believe me.” Right, that was a bit fucked up, but was Harry saying that…

“He told you.” Liam blurted out, the realization hitting him out of nowhere. “You knew all along. And you didn’t tell me?! Harry, he-“

“First of all, he didn’t tell me. Second of all, if he did, why would I tell you? It would have been in private. And third, I guessed it, because it wasn’t hard to guess and because I’m not blind.” Not like Liam, apparently.

“So all the times you were telling me that you and him weren’t talking about secret stuff, you-“

“Liam, please. How old are we? Yes, he likes you, obviously. You need to talk to him about it, there is no other way around it.” Jesus, since when was Harry so… demanding and strict?

“Well, I can’t.” Liam told him stupidly, feeling like a child. “I can’t because he will deny it, or just pack his things and run out.”

“You both have some serious issues you need to deal with, I don’t know what else to tell you, Liam.” Amazing. “Just talk to him.”

“I tried. This morning, but… as I said, he can’t remember and then he was lying and… now we don’t really talk anymore.” God, why was this happening?! “I can’t believe you knew all along. Does Louis know as well?”

“Not from me.” Was all Harry said to that, but it was clear what he meant. So Niall had told Louis, possibly last night, who even knew anymore? 

They both stayed quiet for a moment, and Liam was about to say a few things, out of anger but also out of desperation, and luckily he chose the latter “… can you talk to Niall?”

“And what would I say? Tell him about the kiss, that he doesn’t even know about and I wasn’t there to witness?” Well, if he put it that way…

“But he doesn’t know that. He doesn’t know who was there or who wasn’t or what he said or did. You could tell him anything.” Okay, Liam was getting REALLY desperate.

“Seriously? You want me to fuck with his memory just because you don’t wanna talk to him yourself?” Yes, apparently, Liam had really sunk that low.

“Then just… just get him to tell me then. Tell him to tell me truth about what’s going on.” Sounded like a GREAT plan. In Liam’s mind at least.

“What if this is not what’s going on?” What? “Maybe you’re not the center of his world, maybe he has other problems too.”

“Did he tell you that? What did he-“

“I’m just being realistic, calm down. I can talk to him, but I won’t lie to him, and I won’t promise anything. And if he’s mad at you after I’m done I’m taking full credit.” So he would just shit talk Liam to Niall, was that it? “But I will only do it under one condition.”

“And what is that?” This would be bad, Liam knew it.

“You need to think about what you want, and if you truly think that it’s wise if you keep doing what the two of you have been doing. Clearly my advice about boundaries is too late, and apparently you don’t see yourself returning his feelings, so-“

“I never said that.” Liam interrupted without even thinking about it, and it kinda surprised him himself.

“Okay. So, you’re telling me you have feelings for-“

“No.” Liam interrupted again, then he felt frustrated. “Listen, I- I’ve never- never thought about him like that, okay? It’s weird.”

“Okay, but then think about it or I won’t talk to him and you can do it yourself and it will probably end in a disaster.” Probably. And Liam couldn’t even be mad about his cousin saying it out loud. “You know how fucked up this is, right?”

“Yeah.” Who didn’t?

“Good, just wanted to make sure.” Wasn’t he just in the best mood? “So, does he have classes today? Or when does he work? I know nothing.”

“He’s got classes all day, he only works again tomorrow, I think. His schedule is different every week. Uh… I’m not sure when he finishes today, but apparently he wants to stay in the library even after I get off of work and take the bus home instead of getting in a car with me, so… “ So yeah. Normally Liam would have not let this happen, but after last night…

“I’ll just text him or something. I need to go now and eat something. You should probably do the same.” Probably. “I’ll text you later.”

“Okay… thanks, Haz.” But the call had already ended.

Was it stupid that Liam had almost said he had nothing to eat because he only ever ate in his lunch break if Niall had one too and would come here to bring him food?

Good thing he had swallowed that down.

\------------------------------

Obviously Niall was NOT working on his thesis, but to be fair, he had other things to do for his classes, and it was truly better to do them at the library than at home. Especially with the weird mood clouding all of their conversations now. 

Niall had no idea how to fix it, so he just did what he did best, and that was ignoring it all until it would blow over. It had worked before, why not now?

He knew Liam had already left, because the man had sent him a text before asking if he really wanted to stay, and Niall had answered a simple “Yeah, see you later”. He did feel bad about it, because Liam didn’t deserve it after Niall was the one who had messed up, as always, but it was too late.

It was probably like 7 or something when Niall thought about calling it a day, but he kinda didn’t wanna go home to face Liam, again, so he stayed a bit longer, watching some videos with his headphones in, pointlessly browsing through the same three apps on his phone and ignoring his hunger.

Maybe, if he had looked up just once, he might have not been this startled when somebody tapped on his shoulder.

Niall almost dropped his phone, at first thinking it was Liam, then worse, WILL, then maybe the librarian telling him his headphones had not been plugged in the entire time while he had been watching this gamer’s stream. 

Thank god it was Harry. Although, maybe not.

“Sorry. Hi.” Harry was just standing there, dressed like, well, an actual lawyer, holding a nice bag and all and Niall felt… really fucking stupid all of a sudden. “You okay?”

“Yeah, um, you just, uh, surprised me and- what are you doing here?” They were half whispering, although the library was almost empty.

“I wanted to talk to you.” The older man explained, then he simply slid in the chair next to Niall, his eyes falling onto his laptop and the page that was still opened. “You really watch things like that?”

“I mean… sometimes.” Niall’s face was red, so he quickly closed his laptop. Why did Harry care?

“Well, you also watch Zayn, so I’m not surprised.” He joked, and Niall almost smiled, but he kinda rather wanted to cry. 

“Yeah, um- because of last night, I- I’m sorry. I don’t remember much, but… I know you were there, somehow, and that you brought me to Liam and… I’m sorry, if- if I did or said something stupid. Also that… that I ignored your text, so… “ Niall had ignored everyone’s texts though, so…

“Don’t worry about it, you were worse when you were drunk at Zayn’s.” Oh, right, well, too bad Niall had wasted time trying to forget that because now the memory was back. “Do you have time to talk?”

“Uh… sure.” Or actually… “I mean, depends.”

“On what?” Harry asked, looking rather amused all of a sudden. 

“On the topic.” There HAD to have something happened last night. Maybe this was why Liam was being so weird, and why Harry was here and- wait. Why was he here? “How did you know I was here? Did Liam ask you to-“

“No, he didn’t. I texted him asking what he was doing and when he mentioned you aren’t home I just asked where you were. He doesn’t know I’m here.” Oh, that was a relief. But Niall felt weird that it WAS a relief in the first place. “And about the topic… I think you know it.”

“Then… maybe I’m not so sure.” Niall admitted, because honestly… what was there to say? And did he really wanna find out if anything bad had happened last night or not?

“There’s also something else I wanted to talk you about though.” He continued, as if Niall hadn’t even said anything at all.

“About what?” Maybe Louis? Maybe their past? Maybe-

“I need something to eat first, I came straight from the firm.” Oh… wait, he had done that, just to talk to Niall? “Looks like you’ve only been holding yourself over with snacks as well.”

“Those? Uh… I just like to eat when I’m… working.” Niall cleared his throat at the last part, because they both knew he had just been watching streams. It wasn’t at all awkward when he tried to be subtle about collecting all the empty wrappers either, totally not awkward at all.

“Right. So, let’s go.” Harry wasn’t really leaving him a choice, and Niall didn’t wanna stay here, but also not go home, so… what else was he gonna do? 

No idea how this happened, how he ended up in Harry’s car a couple minutes later, not making the same mistake as last night but rather texting Liam that he would come home even later. It didn’t seem like the older man cared all too much when he simply texted an _Okay_. What the fuck?

Somehow, Niall felt an urge to ask Harry what he knew about last night, but he bit his tongue, let the older man ramble on about work while they were in the car all the way to some restaurant that looked kinda… fancy. Harry seemed to feel comfortable there though, so Niall decided to ignore it.

He knew the man couldn’t be earning that little money after all.

“Just get whatever you want, I’m buying.” Well, there was no need to protest, because Niall could have not afforded it. 

“I’ll, uh… just get the same as you.” Niall decided quickly, thinking that this was probably the best option, and Harry just shrugged, seemingly not caring.

They didn’t talk about it until their food arrived, Harry kept asking Niall about his thesis and his classes in general, about when he would be done and what his plans were for after, and it was all a bit nerve wrecking, being forced to think about it, but once a plate was set in front of him, Harry suddenly decided it had been enough torture.

“There’s a reason I asked all this.” He told Niall, who had just picked up his fork, but was considering putting it down again. He had thought this would be about Liam, about last night, about Will, maybe, but… now he was just confused.

“Okay?” Somehow, Niall felt as if he was in a movie, not a bad one, just… a super strange one. Because how had he ended up here, on a Tuesday night, with Harry? “What’s the reason?”

“Before I tell you-“ Harry stopped to drink some water, as if he was loving all the drama and the build up, and Niall decided to give that to him because he was throwing money out the window to buy him food. “I know this might not be something you wanna discuss with me, but it’s kinda essential, so… how much do you have in savings and how much money do you make working your part time job? Also, how much do you like that job?”

Wait… what?

\---------------------------

Liam felt like he should have reacted differently to Niall telling him he’d be home late, but he KNEW it was because Harry was talking to him, so obviously he wasn’t worried. The thing was though, Niall didn’t know that.

So Liam tried to at least fake offer him some food when Niall finally did come home. 

“Hi… sorry it got so late.” The boy sounded very weird, also tired, and Liam sat up a bit from where he was on the couch.

“It’s fine, no need to apologize, Nialler.” It was true, had things been normal between them from the beginning, had they just kinda been roommates, Niall would have never even had to tell him when he’d come home. But they were also sharing a bed, so like... “Did you get any work done?”

“A bit.” Was all Niall said as he took off his shoes, putting his bag next to the door, and Liam tried not to watch him too obviously.

“There’s food in the fridge if you’re hungry.” But he wouldn’t be, because he had eaten with Harry.

“Thank you… I’ll just get something to drink.” Niall didn’t explain himself any further, and Liam went back to watching the news, although he wasn’t really listening.

For a while he thought that Niall would just go and disappear into the bedroom, or get ready for bed already, maybe work on his laptop, but no. After finishing at least 2 glasses of water, he came over slowly, sitting on the other end of the couch, staying quiet.

Since Liam had no idea what Harry had said or done because he had never texted Liam back after telling him he’d go meet Niall at the library to talk to him and promising Liam to get him food as well, he didn’t know what to say. Yet another thing Niall could never find out about.

So no one said a word, for so long that Liam started to doubt whether anyone WOULD ever say a word again tonight, and yeah, he could have said something, but it would have felt forced, and he still didn’t know what.

So it had to be Niall, and it seemed that maybe the boy seemed to have already sensed that. 

“So… “ Niall started, very slowly, and Liam sat up a bit. “About last night…”

“What about it?” Liam started, suddenly nervous thinking that maybe Harry had really told Niall about the kiss, that maybe he had told him the truth, that Liam had known all along.

“I, uh… I thought I should tell you the real reason why I, um… why I went to the bar.” Oh god, was he really going to- okay, Liam could handle this, he had kinda practiced it in his head, like, what he would say as to not hurt Niall too much. “I feel like… like I kinda owe you that.”

“Ni, you don’t owe me anything. You should only tell me if you really want to.” And not because Harry had said something to him. Maybe this had been a mistake.

“I know.” His voice sounded firmer saying this, but when Liam looked over briefly, it was obvious the boy was anything besides confident right now. That made two of them. “The reason I went to the bar… and why I wasn’t feeling so great, umm… “

Wait, was he really just gonna admit it? Just straight out say that he had feelings for Liam?! Because it felt like it, and maybe Liam was NOT prepared, maybe-

“It’s because I saw Will. At uni, yesterday.” Wait…

“What?” Liam was so confused at the confession, because it was SO not what he had been expecting. Like… what?! “Why was he- Ni, what? What did he say? What? Why-“

“He’s doing some group therapy thing and they take place in one of the seminar rooms and- it doesn’t matter. He, um… wanted to talk. You know how he came to the store, a while back, right? Like… in December. And… I didn’t tell you, but… he also texted me two more times after that. And yesterday… he, uh, he kept telling me he’s in love with me, and that he’s sober now, and that he will be a better person and… and that he wants us to be friends. That he misses me and… all of that. It really, uh… threw me off track.” How was Liam supposed to react to THAT?

“Ni, I… I’m not sure what to say.” He admitted, because one, what the fuck, but also two… why had Niall kept it a secret? And why say it NOW? 

“Yeah, me neither. I just thought… you should know that I wasn’t being completely honest, that’s all.” Okay, he had clearly expected more of a reaction, now Liam felt like crap.

“How was it for you… seeing him again? And talking to him?” And had he wanted it? Because… there was NO way. “Ni, if he’s not leaving you alone, we can do something about that, Harry is a-“

“It’s fine.” Niall cut him off immediately, then he shrugged. “I was annoyed, I told him to leave, he didn’t, but… he sounded kinda honest and stuff… I don’t know. I don’t wanna be his friend, so it doesn’t matter. It just brought back memories, all that fun stuff, you know… “

“I’m… I’m sorry.” Liam truly was sorry, he wanted to kill Will, but he knew his anger would have not helped Niall. No one would ever be able to understand what had truly happened between them, or how Niall had felt about this man.

It bothered Liam to no end that this arrogant asshole thought he could just go and tell Niall he loved him, NOW. As if he hadn’t hurt him repeatedly in the past, physically and mentally, had abused him even. It made Liam sick to his stomach, just thinking about this disgusting-

“Thanks.” The boy said, sounding a bit distant all of a sudden, and Liam’s head was a mess. “… do you not care?”

“Wha- of course I care. Why would you think I don’t?” Okay, he was clearly pissed at Liam’s lack of reaction, but… “Niall, I’m sorry, I- what Will did to you was absolutely horrible. He has no right to still contact you at all, or literally stalk you at uni and force you to talk to him, he-“

“So all you say is _sorry?_ ” Niall was getting himself worked up, and Liam was really surprised as they looked at each other, and the boy’s face actually looked pretty mad.

It took a few seconds before it made _ding_ in Liam’s head.

Niall was telling him because he wanted Liam to get worked up over it, possibly tell Niall he would strangle Will just to protect. Possibly start to question his own feelings for Niall hearing that some other man was in love with him. Was that it? Was that why he was upset? Because Liam wasn’t doing any of these things?

Fucking hell, Liam could not take it anymore, all these lies and the not talking, the cut off conversations, the sleepless night and the pretending it was all fine, when it really was not fine.

This had to end.

They kept looking at each other for a while longer, then Niall let out a huff and turned his head, and Liam kinda… he kinda lost it.

“You kissed me last night.” He blurted out, the words not even feeling real. “And I know you talked to Harry, because I asked him to.”

There was silence, much thicker than any time before, and Liam deeply regretted saying both of those things, but there had been no other way, and he knew it.

What he hadn’t known though, was Niall’s reaction.

“I know. Harry already told me. Both of that. He lied at first, but he told me eventually…” The answer was quiet, barely audible, and Liam could not believe that Harry had really told him everything, why would he- well, why not? “And I kinda can’t believe you couldn’t talk to me yourself.”

“Whenever I try to talk to you, you shut me out.” Liam reminded him, and he could feel where this was going, but he had no way to control it. 

“How can I not? I don’t even remember last night or what happened, I- and how would I have said it, Liam? Tell me. How? And why would I have done it, if I knew it would end in a conversation exactly like that?” He was referring to his feelings for the older man, and it was stupid and pathetic, but all Liam did was blush. “See, you don’t even know it. I know it’s irrational, I know- but I didn’t want this, okay? And I was drunk last night. But I am sorry I did it.”

“You don’t have to be sorr-“

“Why, because you enjoyed it?” The sarcasm in his voice cut Liam deeper than a knife, somehow. “It was wrong.”

“You were drunk.” Completely smashed, to be exact.

“Yeah. Whatever.” Was all Niall said, and he looked like he was about to get up, but then he remained seated after all, refusing to look at Liam though. “I’m also sorry for being so… clingy. It meant different things for us, and it feels like I was taking advantage of you.”

“You weren’t, Niall. Not at all. And you never have to apologize for that either, for none of it, you-“

“Can you please not make it so obvious that you feel sorry for me? It kinda makes it all worse.” Niall cut him off, and at first Liam thought he was upset, but he actually sounded really hurt.

It was hard to imagine that Niall really did have feelings for him, that this was hurting him probably a lot deeper than he was letting on and that Liam was so fucking shitty at talking about it. All he knew was that no matter what, he did not regret any of their touches, or whatever they had done. He knew it would have been very wrong to say that right now.

“I am sorry. I just wanted to say that, so please don’t try to tell me I don’t have to when I want to.” The boy clarified, and Liam had to bite his tongue, but he nodded. This was going even worse than imagined, how was that possible? “… so, what now?”

“What do you mean?” A stupid question, but seriously, what DID he mean?

“This… changes everything. You knowing. Me being… me.” What?

“I mean, it- it doesn’t really change anything. Not for me. I don’t see you any differently, I- wait, forget I said that.” God, now Liam had to rub it into his face too.

“It’s fine, whatever.” Niall shrugged, seemingly barely phased by it, but his expression looked… dead, almost. What the fuck had Harry said to him? How had he even gotten Niall to admit to it all? Well, to be fair… the kiss had taken care of that. “I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable.”

“You’re not.” He never had, even looking back now, knowing about it. It literally changed nothing at all for Liam. “Nothing has to change, Niall.”

Silence, again, one that Liam could barely stand, and Niall sat up a bit, staring at his fingers while he was playing with the strings of his hoodie. It was actually his own hoodie this time, he had taken to wearing Liam’s a lot, but considering how this morning had gone…

“I’m gonna graduate soon.” Niall started, swallowing audibly, and Liam had no idea where this was going, he just knew he was kinda terrified and none of this had really sunk in yet. It kinda felt like a very realistic dream the entire time. A bad one. “And I… I can’t just, like, stay here.”

“But you can stay for a while, save some money and-“

“But maybe I don’t want to.” Oh.

“I mean… you don’t have to.” Liam told him, stupidly, but mostly to hide the pain that came from it. This was his fault, and yet, somehow, it wasn’t. What was he supposed to do? “I know that it must be hard for you, and I wish I could change that, but I… I don’t know how.”

“It’s not your fault.” Niall told him awkwardly, but Liam could tell his words had only made it worse. Now he was basically saying it to Niall’s face, that he didn’t think that he could ever- truth was, he had never thought about it. Not even after promising Harry that he would. “I just… I mean, I never planned to stay here for this long at first, and now… it’s been months. And I- you need your life back and not having to care about me all the time, we’re both adults, so… also, I mean, being around you 24/7 is… you know. And I don’t wanna keep you from… things. You know. So… “

“You’re not keeping me from anything, I was home just as much before you came to stay with me.” Well… maybe not AS much. But… Liam still liked having Niall here, it was just the truth. But if he said it, he would make it worse. Again. “I still think you should stay until you graduate and have a job and then I’ll help you to find a pl-“

“Harry already did.” Wait, what? “He’s got a friend whose renting out apartments, and he’d agree to give me a discount because he can’t find anyone and because I know Harry, so… I could afford it.”

“I-I… I don’t- Harry didn’t tell me about that.” What the FUCK? Also HOW, would Niall be able to afford a-

“He also found me a different job. If I wanted it, he said. I’d be paid more.” Okay, one second- “It’s also got to do with my degree, so… it’s at some recording studio. I’d work more hours, too, but my schedule isn’t so tight this semester anyways.”

At this point, Liam was just looking at Niall, not saying anything, just blinking. Since when did Harry know landlords and people working at recording studios? Okay, well, the first part seemed kinda realistic, but the second?! “I didn’t know that he has so many… connections.”

“He doesn’t.” Niall continued, very slowly, and then he did finally look at Liam. “Zayn knows the guy with the recording studio. He also does social media stuff and they collabed a few times or something, so… “

“Z- wait. Harry talked to… Zayn?” For Niall?

“That’s what he said.” The younger boy shrugged, but his face suddenly seemed worried. “What?”

“Nothing.” Liam cleared his throat quickly, trying to sort out these feelings suddenly arising inside of him that he had no idea where to place. “That’s… that’s amazing, Nialler. Harry told me none of that, but- that’s great. Is that… what you want?”

“I mean… yeah. I think so. This is what I’ve been hoping for all along.” Niall explained, and yeah, he had, and if Liam had known Harry would be able to pull strings so easily… then again, maybe it was just timing. Also, Liam had never asked Harry, or anyone, to pull any strings. 

“That’s good.” Liam heard himself say, and he noticed that his voice sounded empty, and he was clearly NOT happy for Niall, and it was wrong, but Liam had no idea how to change that when he didn’t even know why that was. “When… I mean, when can you-“

“Technically I could start next week, but I’ve gotta work 2 more weeks if I quit tomorrow, so… “ Okay, this was not what Liam had meant and they both knew it, but Niall took another second before he continued. “The apartment… it’s empty, so… “

“Okay.” So he could have just left… right now, if he wanted to. “That’s… great.” 

“Yeah.” Niall answered, then he swallowed, and when he let out a laugh, it gave Liam chills. Not the good kind. “Umm… you’re happy for me… right?”

“Of course! Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be? I’m just surprised, because Harry didn’t mention it to me and- but of course I am happy, Nialler.” Liam faked that smile pretty good, but he knew his reactions still came off fake because of before either way. Also… “… I know you said you don’t wanna live alone… “

“I know, but… I never have lived alone, so… and I think it’ll be fine. I’m an adult and all.” He joked, but it sounded strange, and yet they both faked a reaction. What the fuck? How had this conversation taken such a turn? 

No one said a word after that, the TV was still on, and a couple times, Liam wanted to say something, but he never did, and then it seemed everything had been said and it was done and when Niall got up to announce he was going to shower and brush his teeth, Liam only nodded in silence.

As he watched the boy walk across the room to go and get his sleeping clothes from the bedroom, Liam suddenly realized what the feelings that he hadn’t been able to place before were.

It had been supposed to be HIS job to help Niall find something after uni, help him find a place, too, but not now, in a couple months or something. It had also been supposed to be his job to keep his promises, make sure Niall was fine, but he had done none of that. Niall had repeatedly kept things from him, lied even, because he hadn’t felt he could tell Liam certain things. But he had opened up to Harry, and he had done it so easily that Liam wondered for just a moment if Harry had done it to get back to him for something.

Obviously he hadn’t, but Liam couldn’t describe these feelings towards his cousin any other way right now. And also Zayn, too? Neither of them warning him, or even consulting him first? 

Most of all though, one of the feelings was pure shame for being so damn selfish. Because Liam didn’t want Niall to move out and leave, not now and not in a couple months, despite the fact that he knew just how much it would have hurt the boy to stay.

\---------------------

“I can’t believe you did that.” Liam hadn’t bothered to knock, he hadn’t bothered to even say hello, he had just walked right into Harry’s office to confront him right then and there.

After an entire night of 0 seconds of sleep, Liam hadn’t cared anymore. He had dropped Niall off at uni, spending the most awkward moments of his life in the car, then he had fake walked to his office, but had turned around once he had been certain the boy was out of sight.

And now Liam was here, and he was so pissed that he could barely keep it together.

“Don’t you have work?” Harry asked, his eyebrows pulled up as he pushed away from his desk. He seemed surprised, but also, not really.

“I moved things around.” Liam snapped, not knowing where to even start. “What the fuck, Haz? Why did you not tell me? And why did you tell Niall I asked you to talk to him, and about the kiss?! And why did you talk to _Zayn?!_ You probably knew about those texts from Will as well, and the he was at uni and- just _why?_ “

The other man didn’t answer immediately, he just walked around his desk, leaning against it to face Liam. His expression wasn’t angry or anything, he actually seemed very sympathetic towards Liam. Well, he could shove that up his ass.

“Because it’s best for Niall, I like him and I wanted to help him out. That’s literally the answer for all of that.” Great.

“Right, so it has nothing to do with the fact that you’re dating Louis?” Liam snapped, and that did make Harry’s face harder.

“No. I don’t care about your fight with Louis, Liam, no one does, except the two of you. It’s ridiculous, we all know it, but it is what it is. This isn’t kindergarten. Louis told me what happened back then, and I told him he’s being ridiculous for holding a grudge, but he doesn’t care. It has nothing to do with what I did for Niall though or that I kept things to myself when he asked me to.” Amazing, so basically… everyone knew everything? Behind Liam’s back? “Why are you so upset?”

“Why wouldn’t I be? You went behind my back, you-“

“How? By helping Niall out? You know he needs a better job and that he’s graduating soon. You also know that he’s in love with you and that living with you will just continue to hurt him, do you want that? He would have had to move out one day either way, it just so happened that my friend told me about this apartment. And yeah, I did talk to Zayn, so what? He likes Niall as well, and he wanted to help, too.” See, now Liam sounded like a crazy person for being upset. It only got him more upset, though.

“And you didn’t tell me any of that because?” Seriously?

“Because look at you right now.” Fair point. “You’re all furious, and for what? That I helped Niall when you wanted to do it? Then why didn’t you?”

“This isn’t about me. And I only know about his feelings since two nights ago, how was I supposed t-“

“Just say you don’t want him to move out, Liam, it’s that simple.” Harry interrupted, and Liam had to close his mouth, not knowing what to say, because they both knew the answer. The other man simply took it as confirmation, his voice sounding softer as he continued. “I get it, Li. I know what he means to you, and that you want to take care of him, and make up for what happened. But he’s an adult, and he does have feelings for you and staying with you, sleeping in the same bed-“

“Why do you always have to bring up the bed situation, I-“

“-it’s not good for him. We all know it. I’m sorry I took matters into my own hands and left you out of it. I know you wanted to do these things instead of me and that you feel like you failed him, but you didn’t. You couldn’t have known he’d fall in love with you.” Had Liam wanted to do these things? Yeah, he had wanted to help Niall find a job, but… had he wanted to find him an apartment, too? Like, ever?

He suddenly wasn’t sure anymore.

“Will is going to find out if he lives alone. He will find out where he lives and do god knows what. That guy is crazy, he’s literally stalking Niall.” Liam switched the topic, because this was all hitting a bit too close to home, but Harry wasn’t letting him.

“Seriously? Just say it bothers you that he’s in love with Niall.” What the fuck?

“Harry, this isn’t funny, you don’t know what this guy did, you-“

“I do. Louis told me.” Of course. “I even looked into it and for a way to somehow get him charged because Louis asked me to. But there’s no chance, sadly.”

Okay, so basically… “So you’ve done everything, you know everything, about everyone, and that’s the bottom line?”

“I mean-“

“I have to go to work.” Liam interrupted, suddenly deciding that this conversation wasn’t worth it anymore. He knew Harry was right, he knew he should have been grateful, and happy for Niall, but he wasn’t. He really just wanted to leave now. 

“Liam, please.” His cousin tried to stop him, but Liam didn’t care, he couldn’t stand this anymore. “I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you beforehand, but I really only wanted to help Niall. And Zayn-“

“I literally don’t care. Why tell me now? You didn’t before, so just leave it. I have to go.” The older man snapped, then he turned on his heels to walk back to the door. 

“Liam-“

But Liam never heard the end of it, because he had already pulled the door closed so loudly behind himself that three people walking past turned their heads.

The fact that Harry didn’t come after him was a statement in itself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry!! this is literally four hours late and its 4 am, i had it finished all along i simply forgot it was monday and i was studying D: sorry!
> 
> also sorry for the way this turned out, i saw no other way out of this mess tbh, its like... liam doesnt know what he wants, and niall is hurting constantly being around him. im debating whether to make a small jump in time in the next chapter, we will see...
> 
> let me know your thoughts if you want, as always! sorry again, i hope no one waited up! have a good week <3


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to make up for last week and also bc i almost forgot that its monday again because time doesnt matter anymore - here is an earlier update! sorry again

It was almost scary, how quickly things could return to the way they had been, as if the in-between had never even happened.

To be fair, Niall hadn’t been staying with Liam for THAT long, not even for a half year, more like, 3 months, maybe 4, Liam hadn’t been keeping a close count considering the boy had also run away that one time. 

Still, not having him there anymore felt wrong at first, and then it just felt weird, and eventually, Liam would have assumed it would get better, but somehow, it didn’t. And it wasn’t even that the apartment was any different, because Niall hadn’t brought a lot of things, it was just a toothbrush missing, and a couple clothes, and yet Liam felt his absence as if he had taken half the things in here with him. 

The half that had made this place feel like home.

Which was quite ridiculous, considering Liam had been living alone for quite a while, had enjoyed it even, but now… he didn’t anymore. It’s not like he couldn’t stand it, or as if he wanted, or needed, a roommate, he just… missed Niall. That was all, but Liam had a hard time admitting it to himself.

Niall had moved out literally a week after telling Liam, before he had even started his new job, and Liam had just let him. He had let Harry handle everything, not speaking another word to his cousin himself though, and completely shutting Niall out in that week, too.

Not on pure purpose, but they were both busy and they did talk, but about nothing meaningful, and they slept in the same bed, still, but each keeping to their side, and Liam was hurting, and he was guessing Niall was, too, but they were both too proud to say it.

And what would Liam have said, anyways? This was what Niall wanted, and Harry was the one giving it to him, _handing_ it to him, and what Niall wanted from Liam, the older man couldn’t ever give him, but… it wasn’t his fault, was it?

They kept in touch, of course, they texted, and talked at uni whenever they randomly bumped into one another and Niall would give Liam a half hug like he would some distant friend and they would both smile as if this was fine.

None of it was fine, but Liam had no idea how to fix it, if there was even a way to fix it in the first place, and so he did what he apparently did with all of his problems, the exact opposite of what he knew he should have been doing. 

Ignoring them, continuing to live life the way it was, and accepting the fact that this was what it was going to be like from now.

“I’m not sure I’ll come, actually.” Liam told Zayn over the free speaker in his car, trying not to groan at all the traffic ahead of him. He would need ages to get home.

“Um, why the hell not?” Zayn sounded surprised, but also kinda pissed, but Liam didn’t care. 

“You know why. This is just… so strange.” It really was.

“Why? What’s strange about it?” ALL OF IT?!

“Z, seriously. I’m not in the mood for jokes.” Honestly, Liam had thought it was a joke at first, but the longer he had thought about it, the more he had realized that it actually made sense.

As much as Niall and Liam had drifted apart the past couple months (and it was May now, so it had been around 3 months since he had moved out), as close had Niall grown to Harry and even Zayn. It was the weirdest turn of events Liam could have possibly imagined, but here they were.

To be fair, of course it had been bound to happen. With Harry helping Niall move and handling all those things, him literally dating Niall’s best friend, and Zayn apparently being great buddies with Niall’s new employer… Liam could follow that side of it well, could understand it.

What he still had trouble getting into his head was Zayn and Harry getting along and somehow having gotten over their hatred for one another, over Niall. They weren’t exactly friends, from what Liam had gathered, but he also wasn’t really asking.

Just like he wasn’t asking about how Louis fit in with them or what was happening with Will, if anything. Mostly because he never really asked Niall personal things anymore, and because he was definitely not as close to Harry as he had been before all of this.

To put this long story short, the real loser in this situation was Liam, and he knew it was selfish to feel this way, and he could have surely changed it easily and been a bit more approachable and not shut people out for days or weeks at a time, but he was.

So a situation like this wasn’t all too surprising, considering all of this. 

“It’s his graduation.” Was all Zayn said and Liam stayed quiet for a moment. What was he gonna say to that, anyways? 

“It’s not a real graduation, it’s a party.” Niall wasn’t _officially_ done, but he was only waiting for formalities now and he wouldn’t have a real graduation anyways, just go to pick up the documents in a week or something.

So naturally Liam had been more than confused when _Zayn_ , of all people, had told him he would throw Niall a party at his place. Like, what?

“Yeah? Because he’s graduating. Same thing.” Not at all. “If you don’t show up you might as well just tell him now you don’t give a fuck about him.”

“It’s not like that, I just don’t like parties. Also, why’s it matter if I am there? You invited like twelve million people.” All of which Niall probably knew by now, and had befriended, because from what Liam had heard, he was great at his job and people loved him there and Zayn had kinda taken him under his wing.

Brilliant. At least Zayn had had the decency to keep Liam up to date with it at first, not like Harry, who had simply gone and taken matters into his own hands.

The fact though that Niall seemed to be happy and thriving made it hard for Liam to be upset with any of them. What would he have been upset for? That he was not the one who had been able to do any of that for Niall himself? It sounded incredibly selfish.

It kinda was.

“You’re not like anyone else to him and you know it.” Did he? “Please stop being difficult.”

“I am not being difficult, I’m just tired from work, and I hate parties. I always have.” Not a lie, Liam was _dreading_ this since a week.

Niall had asked him to come himself, over text, and he had sounded well excited when Liam had agreed, but… it had just been written words. He had probably felt obliged to invite Liam or something. 

“Then do it for Niall, please.” Zayn was getting impatient, and Liam knew there was no way he was getting out of this anyways. If he didn’t show up… it would equal cutting those final ties with Niall, and Liam had no idea where they were even standing right now, but it was in a place where he honestly hadn’t even thought of getting Niall a gift.

Liam forgot to reply because he was stuck in thoughts, and the cars in front of him were finally moving again, so he flinched when he heard his friend’s voice.

“Did you just hang up or something?” He laughed, but he sounded quite serious and Liam suppressed another sigh.

“No, sorry, I was just- fine, I’ll come. Should I bring anything?” Just to not show empty handed, and he had to go to the store now anyways.

“No you’re good. Thanks though, no one ever asks that.” Probably because they all thought Zayn was rich, and he kinda was, but still. “… I’m sorry that this is weird. And that it all turned out this way.”

“Why are you sorry?” Seriously, Zayn had done nothing wrong, at all. He was being a great friend to Niall, too, from what Liam knew, and he was even throwing him a whole bloody party just because his place was the biggest.

“Because… I’ve thought back to when all this started and so much has changed and it’s like… I know there’s a lot of things I don’t know about. Not like Harry does, anyways. But I know it’s been hard for you and I really get it, I just never know if you wanna talk or not.” See, Liam didn’t know that anymore, either. “You know we can talk though, right?”

“I know, Z… I kinda have nothing to say though.” Not anymore.

Liam had told Zayn a few things a few weeks after Niall had moved out, just a basic rundown, he had kinda implied Niall had developed feelings for him, but it had felt wrong to give more detail and Zayn hadn’t really asked. He hadn’t even looked surprised or anything, and maybe that hadn’t been a good sign, but Liam had ignored it.

Because that was the only thing he was good at, ignoring shit.

Harry had apologized to Liam multiple times as well though it was obvious he had only done it because he had wanted Liam to forgive him and for things to go back to normal. The truth was, there was not much to forgive, and the things Liam was upset for had nothing to do with his cousin in the first place, he just couldn’t put them into words.

Especially not because they were hard to even just _think_.

“Okay, but the offer still always stands.” Zayn insisted, and Liam felt guilty again for the way he had been acting lately, just burying himself in work, ignoring texts and calls and kinda shutting himself off from his personal life.

Pretty sure even his mother was wondering at this point if he was still even alive, and usually she was the one who forgot to return calls.

“I know. Thank you.” Liam meant it, although he still knew he wouldn’t ever take Zayn up on the offer. “I actually have to go now, I’m almost at the store… I’ll see you later, then?”

“Yeah. Around 8. But come whenever you want, actually.” Well, if anything, Liam would show up way later, but he wasn’t gonna say that.

They said their goodbyes, and then Liam sat in the car for another 20 minutes before he did actually get to the store. There would have been no gain for any of them from continuing this conversation though, and also, Liam was afraid he’d change his mind about going to the party or that he would start crying, so it sounded like a much better option to sit in his car in silence.

He was fine, this would pass quickly and then he’d just go back home and forget all about it. Brilliant plan.

When Niall had moved out, Liam had had leftover food and drinks at home he realized he had no use for. Sure, he could have given them to Niall, but something kept him from doing that, maybe the fact that he had never once seen Niall’s apartment, despite the boy offering, or the fact that he had also never once asked him what it was like living on his own. Or how he liked it in general. 

So in the end, Liam had waited for half the things to spoil, and the rest he had just thrown out along with that, and now he was simply avoiding those aisles. Easy enough considering he hardly ate sugar and sweet things anyways and that had basically been Niall’s entire diet.

No idea what he was eating now that he was alone, but, bitter as he was, Liam thought that Harry had probably taught him how to cook or something. Or maybe he was inviting him over every single day, who even knew?

Not Liam, because he didn’t ask. For what would he have needed to know any of that? He didn’t, Niall clearly had never needed his help or asked, so he was probably doing just fine anyways.

When Liam finally did get home, it was much later than anticipated thanks to the traffic, he still had no present for Niall, and he also barely had time to shower and eat something before he would have already had to leave again.

In the end, Liam took his time still, not wanting to show up on time, and then he might have wasted a bit too much time re-organizing his fridge, because that seemed super important all of a sudden.

He’d still show up too early for his liking, so what was the rush?

\--------------------------

Niall was trying his best to overplay how nervous he was, and how strange he thought this party was, despite the fact that Zayn had already told him 100 times that he would take any excuse to have a party and that Niall was actually doing _him_ a favor.

It sounded like a lie, but Niall had given in eventually.

The fact that he had met most people that Zayn invited was a surprise, but Niall had to admit to himself that he had met more people during the past couple months than he would have ever known was possible. And normal, successful people too, not like the friends Louis would always introduce him to before all of this.

In the matter of 3 months, Niall felt like his life had turned around, a full 180, and most of it was perfect, so much better than he could have ever even _dreamed_ about, but of course… there were things Niall couldn’t really say to anyone.

Like how he would sometimes lock his bedroom door, because living alone was still making him feel paranoid occasionally, or how long he had struggled to _finally_ be able to use the common washer and dryer in the building because he had been refusing to ask for help. Or how he had had 0 idea how to budget buying groceries and also what to even buy in the first place.

It were things Niall would have asked Liam, but he had never felt like he could have. He had felt guilty for simply leaving like that, a week later, but then he had thought, why feel guilty about it? Liam had never told him to stay, he had been pretty passive after they had had their final deep conversation and it was like… he was drifting away somehow, no matter how hard Niall was trying to hold on.

The thing was, Niall didn’t understand, because shouldn’t it have been the other way around? Shouldn’t Niall have been the one keeping his distance, trying to get over the man? So why was Liam being so cold, as if their roles had been switched?

Maybe Niall had really just been telling himself lies to make himself feel better, maybe Liam had really never cared this much, just enough as to where he had been trying to make up for past guilt, but now that he knew Harry and Zayn were a lot more involved in Niall’s life, he didn’t feel a need to anymore. As if he had kinda given that responsibility over to them.

A voice inside of Niall’s head was telling him that that wasn’t right, that Liam wasn’t like that, that he would have never lied like that, but on the other hand… his behavior was saying something completely different.

“How many drinks have you had?” Harry was doing his usual check-up, and Niall rolled his eyes, feeling only comforted knowing the man was doing this to Louis, too. 

“This is still the same drink as half an hour ago.” He told him, and Harry actually seemed surprised, almost as if he was gonna tell Niall he didn’t believe him, but then he watched him for a moment and seemed satisfied. “I’m fine. I won’t get super drunk, I already told you.”

“Yeah, that’s what you said last time, too.” To be fair, he was kinda right. 

“It’s not my fault you invited me over right when Louis had something to celebrate.” Niall joked, and Harry glared at him.

“It’s not a celebration when he wins a bar fight, for the hundredth time. He could have gotten in serious trouble.” If Harry only knew the kinda trouble Louis had gotten in the past few years… but Niall had had to promise Louis one night when they had been hanging out in Niall’s apartment, that those dark days would forever stay their secret. 

“But he didn’t. And the owner was there, too, he was cheering him on, and-“

“Keep going like that and I won’t ever invite you for dinner ever again. Yeah, that’s right. And how are you gonna survive without my leftovers?” He wouldn’t, and they both knew it. Well, Niall could cook basic meals now, so that was something, right? He was also very good at eating at the cafeteria at uni, though that would have to change now as he was only ever going to go back one more time.

The thought alone got Niall excited, but also a little scared. It was another chapter closed, another milestone in his life, one he had never ever thought he’d even experience. Maybe he was scared because things had changed so damn quickly that it was still hard to keep track, or actually believe that any of this was real in the first place.

“I do love your leftovers.” And Harry always gave him a ton, for which Niall was more than grateful. “But I’m also not the one getting smashed.”

“Wha-“

Harry started, but then he just sighed when he followed Niall’s gaze. Seeing Zayn and Louis getting along so well had been a big plot twist. Then again, maybe it wasn’t, because Niall had always thought they might hit it off.

It had only taken Zayn to randomly show up at the bar one night, and for them to have a lengthy conversation about what had happened, and apparently by the end of the night, they had basically been best friends. At least that’s what Niall had pieced together from both their stories about it.

It probably helped that Niall regularly saw both of them now. He wondered what Liam thought about all this, but he couldn’t have really asked him, could he?

“Are you just gonna let him?” Niall teased, because he knew what Harry was like when it came to Louis’ drinking habits. He had gotten him to fully quit the drugs, even the weed, which Niall had never thought would be possible, but he couldn’t exactly forbid him to ever drink again.

One, Louis would have probably dumped him over being too controlling, and two, he was still working at the bar, so that would have been impossible.

“It’s too late now. They’re already hugging each other and they will probably start singing any second as well.” Harry sighed, then he leaned against the wall next to where Niall was sitting on the window sill. “Why are you standing here all by yourself, anyway? It’s _your_ party.”

“It’s Zayn’s. He even told me he just needed an excuse to throw one. Also, I already talked to plenty of people.” Niall shrugged, because it was true. He had been here for what felt like ages, but it had probably only been a bit over an hour.

He had been a lot more busy scanning the room than enjoying himself or listening to people, but no one had to know that.

“Why did you join me? Just to check on my drink?” It had looked like it, but Harry pulled a face.

“Partly. I still don’t like parties too much… and Louis gets very touchy when he’s drunk so I’m keeping my distance because I don’t need all of these people watching.” Too much information. “When are you picking up your degree?”

“Uh, I think next week. They said they’ll write me an email when the documents are ready.” Niall shrugged, almost having forgotten about it, because… well, in his mind, he was already done with uni, it was just a piece of paper. “I already signed the new contract.”

“Yeah? That’s great, congratulations.” He smiled, and Niall returned it even though he kinda didn’t feel like it.

Sometimes, when Harry was calling to check on him, when he was inviting him over or cooking food for him, it felt wrong that it was him doing these things. Or when Zayn would randomly show up to the studio because he knew the owner and Niall’s boss so well, just to hang out or bring food, it always gave Niall a pinch as well.

He wasn’t sure if it would ever go away.

“I’m sure he’s gonna come.” Harry suddenly distracted Niall from his own thoughts, and the boy had to blink a couple times.

“Who?” He asked all innocently, though his cheeks suddenly felt a lot warmer.

“Liam.” Harry rolled his eyes, but when they looked at each other, his face full of pity and Niall absolutely hated it. There was nothing he could have done though, he couldn’t have willed his face to get pale again, either. “He’s probably showing up late on purpose.”

“So he can leave again as quickly as possible.” Niall mumbled before deciding to finally finish that drink anyways. It seemed like a good fucking idea in the moment. 

“No, because he hates parties in general and because if he shows up late, people are less likely to still even notice his presence. I know because that’s what I would do if we hadn’t picked you up and if Louis hadn’t dragged me out so soon.” Thank god for Louis, then, because who else would Niall have talked to right now? “Well, also because I was worried you would party a bit too hard if you came by yourself and before us. Seems I was wrong.”

“I’ve not partied hard in months.” Well… except that one time, but again, Niall had promised Louis that Harry would never hear a word about it. No drugs had been involved, just a bit too much booze. “Although I kinda have a reason to. And I might actually get myself another-“

“Not a good idea.” Harry stopped him immediately, and before Niall could get annoyed, the older man was already nodding all the way across the room.

Niall felt a bit frozen in spot when his eyes locked on Liam’s face, the man not having noticed him so far because he was busy being greeted by an over enthusiastic Zayn. They hadn’t seen each other in weeks, because Niall had barely ever been to uni lately now with his classes having come to an end, and when he had been there, he had run out of excuses as to why he would stay so late and accidentally pass by Liam’s office.

It had also gotten quite embarrassing, and quite frankly, pathetic, so Niall had been forced to give up on these habits.

So really, considering that, it was not his fault that his heart was beating around 10 times as fast as he was staring at Liam, trying his hardest not to think about how good he looked. So much for planning to play this cool.

“Have fun.” Was all Harry said, and Niall hastily grabbed onto his arm.

“Wait.” He felt panicked all of a sudden, and he felt stupid for it, but what was he gonna do?! “I- I don’t know- he probably didn’t even wanna come, right?”

“I’ve not talked to him about it. Also, he’s right there, why would he come if he didn’t wanna come?” Well, they both knew the answer.

“Because Zayn probably made him?” Niall answered automatically, and Harry’s silence was enough confirmation that they thought the same thing. “Maybe I should wait until he comes find me. So I’ll know he really did wanna come talk to me and not because he just wanted to enjoy a party.”

“Are we talking about the same person still?” Harry joked, laughing for a moment, but then he sighed when he saw Niall’s face. “You’ve not really talked since then, have you?”

“No, I told you we haven’t. It’s… it’s weird. The situation, I mean. I tried to make it _not_ weird, but I always feel like I’m getting on his nerves and… you know, I don’t wanna make him uncomfortable, or- or make it seem as if I still have hopes and… anyways. I didn’t get the feeling he really cares about what’s going on in my life anymore.” Niall tried to shrug carelessly, but he was aware that the pain in his voice must have been obvious.

“He’s bad at these things, Ni. It’s not personal. I know you’ve been trying and that he’s been acting cold… he’s been doing the same to me.” Somehow, it wasn’t surprising to Niall at all, but on the other hand…

“He wasn’t like this before. Never. He was the one who was kinda stalking me to get us to talk and work this out in the beginning.” So naturally, the only obvious explanation Niall had was that Liam felt free from whatever burden he had been carrying. Niall himself.

“I know he cares a lot about you, Nialler. We both know that. I also know he’s still pissed at me for not involving him back then, and I think he feels like he failed you. Ever since I’ve known him he’s never been the kinda person to run after someone, if he’s acting distant and cold, it’s probably because he thinks it’s what you want or what’s best for you.” Sounded like Liam, to be fair.

“Why is he deciding for me what’s best for me?” Niall asked, though it was a rhetorical question, and he probably shouldn’t have said it out loud.

“Maybe you should ask him that and not me.” Was all Harry replied, then he petted Niall’s shoulder. “I don’t think it would be good if he sees us talking like this. Also, I should really go find Lou, I think he went out onto the balcony.”

He left Niall alone then, being the nervous mess he was by now, and he didn’t even have any of his drink left to calm his nerves. Probably better this way, as much as Niall hated to admit it.

He had lost sight of Liam for a moment, but Niall easily spotted him again, still with Zayn and his friends, but it was obvious he kept throwing glance at the crowd and the people, without ever meeting Niall’s eyes though, for some reason.

Maybe this was bad karma or something, because now Niall was really forced to take this into his own hands.

Niall walked very slowly, his heart beating way too fast considering what they had been doing a couple months ago, sleeping in the same bed, holding hands, cuddling. Kissing Liam’s cheek at uni, as if it was nothing. It was crazy how fast things had changed, and Niall was still not sure who was to blame, if any of them were to blame at all.

Maybe Liam was right, maybe this was better for the both of them, and Niall was just too terrified of losing him that he was clinging on so desperately when he should have just let him go and tried to actively get over him.

No matter how many people flirted with Niall at uni or at the bar though, he never felt an ounce of interest in any of them. And it wasn’t just about that either, it was the security their friendship, relationship, whatever, had brought.

Without Liam, Niall again felt as if something was missing like it had all those years, and he never wanted to go back to that. Sure, it was better now, he had other people he knew he could count on, but it had never been the same, no one had ever, could ever, come close to it.

So despite feeling as if he might puke, Niall forced himself to go up to Liam after all.

“I was starting to think you weren’t gonna come.” Niall heard himself joke, watching Liam turn around, his face surprise at first, then he smiled. It seemed genuine. 

“I kinda forgot the time.” He was lying, but it was okay, because he pulled Niall into a hug after a short moment of hesitation. It was brief, but enough for Niall to breathe in deeply, on accident. Not the best idea, because it almost made him feel homesick to smell Liam’s cologne. Stupid. He was so stupid. “Hey, congratulations, again. Did you already pick up your degree?”

“Not yet, I think next week. Waiting for the email, they’re kinda super slow.” Niall repeated what he had told Harry before, ignoring the fact that Liam had already asked this over text, where he had congratulated him too when Niall had told him. After that, their conversation had quickly died down again. “I’m glad you came. I know you don’t like parties.”

“I’ll be fine. Thanks for inviting me.” He was still smiling, and suddenly Niall panicked thinking that maybe none of them would say another word, that Liam would just turn back around and talk to Zayn even though the man was busy with his friends.

In his panic, Niall of course had to say the stupidest thing.

“Do you, uh, want a drink?” He asked quickly, because it was the first thing on his mind.

“I can’t, I’m driving.” Right, stupid, how else would he have gotten here? “Your cup seems awfully empty, though.”

“Ah, it’s fine, I wasn’t planning on drinking much anyways.” Niall quickly told him, not wanting to leave right now because he KNEW he wouldn’t be brave enough to come back. Maybe he should have left though, because this was getting embarrassing. Already. “So, how’s work? And everything?”

“Good. Just busy.” Liam nodded, and it was quite obvious he felt awkward too, and Niall hated it. He hated how they had gone from being so close to talking as if they had literally just met at this party, by accident, and were forced to talk. “… and you?”

“Yeah, also good. I, uh, just signed a new contract, so I can work at the studio full time starting Monday. They don’t even wanna see my degree before that.” Niall tried to laugh, but they both knew that because Niall was friends with Zayn and because his boss was literally the most chill person on this planet, he would have hired Niall full time without a degree as well.

“Oh? That’s great.” Liam seemed genuinely happy for him, and Niall tried his best to relax, though he failed quite terribly. “Are you still enjoying it?”

“Yeah, it’s a lot of fun. A lot more than I thought, and I’m learning a lot. We even had someone almost famous come in last week.” A slight exaggeration. “I mean… famous as in, I almost knew who he was when he mentioned it.”

“Almost?” Liam asked, with his eyebrow raised as Niall shrugged and they both laughed, and it felt normal for a moment. Only a moment though. “How’s living by yourself?”

“Uh, good, yeah.” Niall lied quickly, not having expected the question. It wasn’t a FULL lie, he just hadn’t gotten used to it, but it wasn’t so much that he was alone a lot, because that would change once he would be working full time, it was more that Niall didn’t know how to do a lot of things.

Things he would have asked Liam to show him, if he could have. Things he was too embarrassed to really ask Harry or Zayn, and that he couldn’t ask Louis because the way the oldest man was living in his own apartment was… definitely not the way Niall intended to become.

Also, Niall had a feeling Louis spent 90% of his time at Harry’s place anyways and would probably move there in the foreseeable future, so…

“A bit lonely, sometimes.” Niall continued, instantly regretting it when he saw Liam’s face fall, so he made sure to add onto that, but only regretted that even more in the end. “But it’s fine, I’ve had people come visit and stuff, so.”

Liam only nodded, and it was quite obvious they were thinking the same thing now. The fact that Liam had never come over, and Niall had stopped implying that he wanted him to.

Being rejected like that every time, even though it had been very subtle, had hurt more than just accepting the fact that the older man simply did not want to come over.

“Umm… I’ve been thinking of getting a pet.” Niall blurted out in his desperation of keeping this conversation going, and at least it got Liam by surprise as he blinked.

“Sorry, wha- really? What kinda pet?” He actually laughed, which was a good thing, right?

“I’m undecided, still. I’ve just been thinking about it because my boss sometimes brings his dog, and obviously I can’t get a dog and also not a cat because the space is too small, but… maybe a hamster.” Well, actually, Niall didn’t want a hamster at all, he just wanted to keep talking. “But they’re a bit small. And I feel like it would keep me from sleeping.”

“You could get a bunny.” Liam suggested jokingly.

“No, they’re boring.” Niall told him immediately, sounding maybe a bit too opinionated on that and the older man laughed again. “I could get a guinea pig. But then I’d have to get two, so it won’t get lonely.”

“Do you have space for two?” Liam asked, again implying that he had no idea what Niall’s place even looked like, but it was okay, they both ignored it.

“… No.” Niall admitted before grinning, and Liam returned it. “I’ll figure it out. I’ll let you know when I decided because I’m gonna need name suggestions.”

“I’m not sure I’m the right person to ask, but I’d try my best.” Liam promised with a smile and Niall got lost in it for a little bit.

Everything around them was really loud, so they had basically been somewhat screaming at each other for the past few minutes, and it was a bit exhausting, but it was fine. Niall was just happy that they were talking like two normal people, that it wasn’t TOO awkward, and that they hadn’t run out of things to say just yet.

He somehow wished he would have had a bit more too drink, not too much as to where he would have been drunk (because god knew him and Liam in the same room when Niall was drunk was not the best combination), but enough as to where his tongue would have been a bit more loose, where he wouldn’t have had to worry so much anymore about what would be coming out of his mouth. 

They had more small-talk, mostly about Niall’s job, and again about pets, whether he would miss university, if he thought he would ever do a master’s degree (NO), things like that.

Eventually, the music got louder and then a very drunk Louis came over to talk to Niall and though he didn’t even acknowledge Liam, the other man saw it as a cue, or an excuse, to leave, and Niall kinda lost sight of him before he could have stopped him.

He wanted to be mad at Louis, but he was clearly very drunk and Niall also never really talked to him about Liam or the fact that he was missing him. It would have been pointless, because even though it seemed as if Louis didn’t care much for Liam or their past anymore, he wouldn’t have known what to say anyways.

Niall might as well have been talking to himself, so he did, but only inside his head.

“Where’s Harry?” Niall asked his friend, trying to keep distance between them because Louis smelled like smoke and alcohol and he WAS touchy when he was drunk, they all knew that.

“No idea, outside, maybe. Let’s get another drink, c’mon, you have to celebrate, Nialler!” Louis was literally screaming at him, and Niall didn’t want to, but his friend was already dragging him along to the kitchen.

Now he had truly lost sight of Liam. For all he knew, the man could have already left again.

Louis got himself way too much to drink, but he was also luckily drunk enough to not notice that Niall got himself water instead. He would have done the same for his friend, but Louis would have only laughed at him and gotten alcohol anyways, so where was the point?

Also, Niall wasn’t Harry, and this wasn’t his problem. Sure, he would have worried about Louis a couple months ago, but he wasn’t anymore, and he was very grateful to know that Harry had changed Louis so positively, that he had somehow gotten through to him and was helping him. 

Niall was grateful for many things Harry had done for him as well, obviously, he would have never been where he was right now had it not been for him, and Niall had no idea how he deserved it, but he’d forever wish he could repay him for it.

On the other hand… he knew that without Liam, he would have not been here either. And not because Harry was Liam’s cousin, but because Liam had done so much for Niall, too, and Niall knew he would have continued to do it and that was why he felt guilty a lot of the time.

Sometimes, Niall thought Liam’s distance came from the fact that he was secretly pissed off that Harry had started to care so much about Niall, and Zayn too, that maybe he was jealous. Not in a way as if he had feelings for Niall, but like, just in a platonic way. Then Niall had to remind himself to stop being delusional.

“We should try to find your boyfriend.” Niall suggested once he had had enough of drunk Louis, and the older man just laughed. 

“He’s just gonna blame you for letting me drink some more.” Fair enough. “Let’s find Zayn instead.”

“But-“

Again, Niall was simply being dragged along.

The guests were slowly starting to get _really_ drunk and there were now people Niall was certain had not been invited, but he was used to it when it came to Zayn’s parties. He was very popular, and when the word got out… there was no stopping it. Maybe deep down Niall was relieved that this was not about him at all anymore.

They did find Zayn, who was probably more drunk than Louis, and Niall was just relieved that he could slip away quietly after a few minutes. He considered finding Harry, or maybe one of his coworkers, because he was too much a chicken to find Liam, and he also didn’t want to be disappointed finding out he had already left again.

Instead, Niall went to the bathroom, where he waited literally 15 minutes before he finally got a couple moments of silence before someone else was banging on the door. So much for that.

Niall did slip out on the balcony for a little bit, ignoring the couple snogging in the corner as he breathed in the warm air outside. It was the 21st of May and it already felt like the middle of summer, but Niall was quite happy about it because the winter had been too cold anyways.

Looking out over the city because of how high up Zayn’s apartment was really had something. Niall could have gotten lost in the sight, thinking about his life and how things seemed to have finally turned around for the better, how he had gotten what he had always dreamed about, but how it still seemed as if something was missing.

Or someone.

“Niall.” 

Right on cue, Niall heard someone saying his name, but before he could have gotten too excited, it felt very much just like a reminder of what he couldn’t have as he turned around.

\--------------------------

Liam felt really fucking stupid about the way the conversation with Niall had gone, and how he had awkwardly left the moment Louis had shown up. It’s just, why would Liam have stayed for that?

He was sure Niall would wanna celebrate with his friends as well, and they had talked after all, so it was all good. At least Liam kept telling himself that as he tried to keep himself busy, not really knowing what to do with himself though.

He saw Harry at some point, but only smiled when the other man tried to wave him over. They really had not talked very much lately, and it was entirely Liam’s fault, but he also felt no need to change that anytime soon. It’s just… seeing or talking to him, it reminded Liam of things he was trying to ignore, it was easier this way, if he just focused on work and nothing else.

Sadly, Liam hadn’t counted on his cousin being so demanding now that they were finally seeing each other in person again.

“Why’d you run away from me before?” He was laughing, but it sounded very much like he meant it.

“I wasn’t, I needed the bathroom.” Liam lied weakly, and Harry rolled his eyes before pulling him into a half hug. “How are you?”

“Good, you?” He looked as if he was doing well, and he also had no reason not to, if Liam thought about it.

“Me too.” Or was he? No idea.

“Have you talked to Niall already?” Of course that’s what he wanted to know.

“Yeah. Why?” Liam asked all innocently, because if Harry wanted something, he needed to say it straight out.

“No reason, just asking. He was worried you might not show up.” He said it very intensely, without ever taking his eyes off of Liam’s face.

“I wouldn’t just not come to his graduation party.” Liam said it as if he hadn’t been trying to talk himself out of it just a couple hours ago.

Harry only nodded, clearly not buying it though. “How are things between the two of you?”

“Haz.” Liam started, then he shook his head a bit, looking over his cousin’s shoulder as he took a deep breath. “Can we just stop pretending that you don’t know? I know you and Niall talk a lot.”

“Okay, then I’m gonna rephrase. Why are things between the two of you so weird?” Great.

“Because.” Was all Liam had to offer, and he didn’t even know it. “It’s better this way. Also, he’s doing great and he’s happy, thanks to you, and thanks to Zayn. And I’m busy with work, and he will be soon, as well.”

“So, you’re just gonna pretend as if you don’t care about him anymore? Because he said-“

“Can we not talk about him behind his back? I’m kinda through with that.” Liam interrupted immediately, because he had sworn to himself, he was not gonna do this again. “If there’s a problem, me and Niall can talk about it ourselves.”

“I doubt that, but okay.” Liam refrained from rolling his eyes. “… are you still mad at me?”

“Kinda.” Liam admitted after a moment, then he laughed at his cousin’s face when he looked surprised. “I’m just being honest, you asked.”

“I told you I am sorry. I know it was wrong, what I did. But it also came out of nowhere that I heard about the apartment Niall is in now, and I kinda called Zayn on a whim. There was no time to run it by you, and I knew how you were gonna react.” Fair enough, but still.

“So you think I would have said no to you giving him exactly what he always wanted?” Liam could be selfish, but not like this.

“No. But I feel like it was easier for you because you never had to make the decision or think about it too much and I know you would have felt guilty because you wanted him to stay, even if you’d deny it now.” Harry argued, and maybe he was right, maybe not, it didn’t even matter anymore. “I know I hurt you and I regret that, Li. I really do. For Niall’s sake though… I would do it again. But differently, I wouldn’t simply decide for you, that was the worst part.”

“I know.” Liam shrugged, and it didn’t actually matter, he didn’t need his cousin to keep apologizing either, none of that was the issue here, but he couldn’t really name the real issue either. “But you also understand why I can’t just forget about it, right?”

“I can.” Harry confirmed after a moment, his face sad, and Liam almost felt guilty, but then he didn’t. “So, there’s no way to redeem myself? Not even if I show you where I know Zayn is hiding the best snacks because he’s so drunk he told me like 10 times?”

“Depends on the kind of snacks we’re talking.” Liam decided to play along, but only because he had no energy to fight, and he was still too busy thinking about Niall and their conversation.

They did go and get some snacks, and they talked some more, and Liam stayed longer than planned. He felt better about it in the end, kinda as if he and Harry had made up a little bit and even though Liam was still upset, he pushed those feelings away for tonight.

Harry tried to get him to agree to stay longer, but Liam really didn’t know what he was still doing here after a while. Plus, if he left, he had another excuse to talk to Niall so he could say goodbye.

Only problem, he was nowhere to be found, and Liam really did look everywhere. He even asked LOUIS, who probably was too drunk to recognize him at this point, but nothing. After good 20 minutes, Liam was forced to give up.

Also, he had a weird feeling in his stomach, suddenly imaging Niall having gone home with someone and- he didn’t even wanna finish the thought.

Needless to say, Liam did not feel very good as he left the apartment and walked down the endless staircase, purposely not taking the elevator. Pretty sure someone had puked in there.

Liam was kinda lost in thoughts as he searched for his car keys once he was outside, he hadn’t even really checked the time, had simply gotten tired and felt like leaving. He almost paid no attention to the voices he heard somewhere between the cars parked at the side of the street, but then he suddenly stopped in the middle of a step.

“- and you made me come down here just to tell me that?” The voice said, and Liam knew it was Niall’s, of course, even though it was mostly dark outside and he couldn’t see him between the cars. 

Somehow, Liam felt like he should have kept walking, this was none of his business, but of course he kept standing there anyways, suddenly getting goosebumps.

“I wanted to give you your graduation gift. And how else would I ever get you to listen? You still ignore all my texts.” Though Liam didn’t know the man, he KNEW it was Will, and the thought made him furious.

So he was still stalking Niall? After all this time? What if… what if they had hooked up or something? Had Will seen Niall’s place? Had Niall felt so lonely he had invited him, after all? Liam kinda felt like punching something right now.

“There’s a reason for that, you know. How did you even know about the party? You weren’t invited.”

“Everyone knows Zayn. And everyone knows you work for his friend. You were in a couple of his videos, it’s not exactly a secret.”

“Fine. Still not a reason to show up and pretend you have something important to tell me when it’s literally the same as always. We will never be friends again, and definitely not more than that.” 

“Then why did you come down here with me? I told you I’m trying my best to be better, I’ve been clean all this time, I got a new job, I’ve been doing really well, but I still can’t get you off of my mind. Ni, I’m really sorry, I will apologize until the day I die, I-“

“I don’t wanna hear it. I’m gonna go back upstairs, leave me alone.”

“No, wait! Please.”

“Will, I said I’m going, let go of me!”

At that point, Liam felt as if he had been electrocuted, and he moved without even really planning to at first. This pig could not touch Niall, never again.

“Sorry, sorry, it was a reflex, I didn’t mean to- Niall, please!”

“I said leave me alone!”

“Niall-“

“I think you should go, Will.” Liam was trying his hardest to keep his voice restrained once he had walked around the last car and could clearly see them in the street light, Niall almost bumping into him as he had been backing away from the other man.

“What the fuck do you want? This is private.” Will snapped at him, and Liam barely had any time to really look at Niall, he just tried to subtly move in between them, pleased when Niall immediately moved to stand half behind him. “Niall-“

“Stop talking to him. He’s been making it clear he wants nothing to do with you anymore, you need to respect that.” Then, Liam decided to take it further, and he realized it was a mistake, but only too late. “Move on, Will. Seriously.”

“And who are you to tell me that, huh?” The man let out a laugh, and it was really the first time Liam could get a closer look at him. He wasn’t bad looking by any means, he also did not look like the person anymore that Niall had been living with, but Liam already knew he had gotten himself cleaned up. Good for him, but what he had done was inexcusable, and if Liam could have, he would have strangled him then and there. “Maybe that’s the same advice you should give to Niall. Seems like we’re still in the same boat, huh, Nialler? Still hung up on people who couldn’t give a rat’s ass about us? Funny how he’s now pretending he cares again, is it not?”

“You don’t know _anything_. Just shut up and go.” Niall half yelled, and Liam almost held him back when he stepped forward, but he kept it together. 

“Ah, I just love being right.” Will laughed, then he threw another look at Liam, staring him up and down for a second. “I could really kick in your face for having what I want and not acting on it, you know? But for Niall’s sake, I guess I won’t.”

“Leave.” Was all Liam could reply, feeling frozen, and he hated how Will smirked at his clear discomfort before he started to finally walk away.

It seemed that though he had at least made Will leave, he had still kinda lost.

\------------------------

“I’ll drive you home.” Liam said after a couple seconds of awkward silence, and Niall choked back tears.

“I can get home by myself.” He answered automatically, not really knowing what to think or do now.

“How?” Was all the older man asked, and maybe he genuinely was curious, but Niall had no answer anyways. He had come here with Harry and Louis, he’d have to go upstairs and ask Harry to leave and… he would only be starting to cry on his way there.

Fuck, why was Niall so stupid? Actually coming down here with Will?! He had claimed it was super important and that he would leave Niall alone if he listened to him just ONE more time, and of course Niall was a bloody idiot. Of fucking course.

“I’ll just drive you.” Liam decided when there was no answer, and Niall was so angry at the whole world that he didn’t object.

He could tell the situation was awkward, and that sitting in a car together would make it worse, but he also really wanted to be home by himself and lie in bed and cry, and this was the fastest way to get there.

Getting into Liam’s car again after such a long time was the strangest feeling ever, being hit with that familiar smell, sitting so close to him, Niall could almost not believe he had done it daily once, for months. Like, had that been a different reality or why did it feel so far away?

“I… I don’t know where you live.” Liam suddenly said after they had both put on their seatbelts, and Niall had been too caught up in his own thoughts to think of that, so he quickly told Liam his address, watching him type it into his navigation system.

God, how much more awkward could this get?

Neither of them talked, Niall felt like he should have, but his brain felt empty and he also struggled to hold back tears and he didn’t even wanna be here, with Liam, out of all people. How much more pathetic could he have gotten? Seriously? Niall wanted to kill Will for doing this to him, for stalking him, but also for what he had done just now.

If there had been any doubt in Liam’s mind if maybe Niall had gotten over him, it was surely gone. No wonder he was desperately trying to keep distance to him. He felt responsible, that was why he was driving Niall home now, that was all there was to it.

“I’m sorry. For getting involved.” Liam started after a whole eternity, and they were almost in Niall’s street as well. “When he touched you… I just had to say something. Does he… does he still text you often?”

“Occasionally. We’ve not seen each other in like two months though because I was barely at uni and now I won’t ever be again, so… “ Niall shrugged, picking at the skin next to his thumb out of nervousness. “… you don’t have to apologize. Thanks for telling him to leave.”

“Don’t thank me. He’s crazy, you should get a restraining order or something.” Probably, but Niall didn’t wanna think about it in that much depth, so he only shrugged again.

He hated this. Hated that Will seemed to truly love him, and that he could see through Niall so easily, or maybe it had just been a lucky guess, again. Either way, he had said it to hurt Niall back, and he had been way too successful at that and Niall hated him even more now. If that was even possible.

For a while he hadn’t been sure if he did hate Will, but in this second, he felt almost nothing else except that.

“Does, uh… does Harry know that he’s still contacting you? Or… anyone?” Liam asking this felt strange, but it made sense, of course.

“Not really, I might have mentioned it once or twice… I shouldn’t have come down here with him, it was a mistake. Guess I’m really just that stupid.” Niall let out a humorless laugh. Maybe he was also desperate on the inside, to hear somebody telling him they loved him, who knew?

“You’re not stupid, Niall.” The older man’s voice sounded very firm, genuine, but Niall felt nothing when he said it.

They both knew it had been stupid. Beyond that, even, and who knew what would have happened if Liam hadn’t been there? Niall hated that too, the fact that he had still needed Liam to help him out, that he was still incapable of doing certain things himself.

God, why could things not just be good, for once?

When Liam stopped in front of Niall’s building, Niall knew he should have just said thank you and left, but he remained seated, unsure of what to do. It wasn’t too late, not even eleven, and Niall should have texted Harry by now and told him he had left, but he hadn’t and he didn’t want to in front of Liam.

Problem was, he also didn’t want this moment to pass, as pathetic as it was, because this was the closest Liam had ever been to Niall’s apartment.

“So… “ Niall started, biting his lip, telling himself NO, but of course, he was too weak and too upset to really feel embarrassed. “You’ve never seen my place… “

There was silence, so Liam was really making him ASK, and now Niall kinda didn’t want to anymore, but he also really, really did at the same time.

“… so if you wanna, um… if you wanna come upstairs. Just for a second or something.” He was so desperate, and it was showing, and if Liam said no now, then Niall swore to himself he would NEVER ask again, he would never try again, would never again text Liam first, he would never again-

“Okay.”

Wait, really?

“I- oh, okay. Yeah. Great.” Niall blurted out, fumbling to get his seatbelt off and struggling to open the bloody door and fuck, he knew Liam was doing this out of pity, but why did it get him so fucking excited?!

There was NO possible way Niall could have sunk lower. None.

Niall took ages to get his keys into the lock, and he was refusing to acknowledge Liam’s presence the entire time though he felt hyper aware of it. Fuck.

“Um, the elevator is kinda broken.” He explained as they were taking the stairs, but it was only two floors anyways and Liam didn’t seem bothered.

How could he have? He probably wasn’t even getting out of breath, it seemed all he had done since Niall had moved out was work and work out, too. Okay, Niall should have not looked so closely maybe.

Once Niall was standing in front of his own door, it suddenly came to him that he had never cleaned the mess from before, all the clothes he had tried on and just thrown on the bedroom floor after and- whatever. He didn’t need to impress Liam, there was no need.

Well, maybe he had wanted the older man to think he was very capable of living alone and keeping his space clean, but it was too late for that anyways.

“I kinda… left in a hurry, so it might be… not that tidy.” Was all Niall blurted out in the end as he opened the door and turn on the lights, letting Liam enter as well. The way his scent filled the room immediately should have been illegal. “It’s not that big.”

“It’s bigger than I thought.” He sounded impressed, and Niall tried not to preen, because there was absolutely no reason.

Why did it feel like all this time apart had only led to him falling even deeper?

Liam took off his shoes as well, which was a relief, because it meant he would stay a few minutes at least, because the small tour Niall gave him was over way too quickly, especially because he also kinda had to skip over the mess that was his bedroom. The older man was clearly hiding a smile, but Niall ignored it, his cheeks hot.

“It’s really nice, Nialler. Didn’t think you’re such a pro at decorating.” He was teasing him, because Niall barely had any decoration up, but Niall kinda enjoyed being teased by Liam too much.

“Ha, ha. Very funny.” Indeed, because Niall would have laughed at anything he had said. “Uh, do you want anything to drink?”

It seemed Liam was really thinking about it, studying Niall’s face a bit too closely, then he nodded, very much to the younger’s relief. Again, pathetic. “But just water, thanks.”

Getting Liam something to drink felt weird, but not as weird as being in here together, all alone, after they hadn’t seen each other in so long, after months of never really being alone. Maybe this was a fever dream, maybe Niall had really gotten so smashed at the party he was now hallucinating.

Liam was slowly following him into the kitchen, clearly looking around still, and Niall felt nervous, but he decided it was better than the older man looking at HIM. Maybe this had been mistake, but if Niall hadn’t asked tonight… then when?

The situation between was… a mess. And as much as Niall had been hoping he would not have to be the one to say the words, as much as his hand was shaking pouring Liam a glass of water, he still forced himself to say what he had desperately been wanting to say for months. Maybe now he knew what it had been like all those times Liam had wanted to talk about things and Niall had immediately shut him out.

“Umm… I was, like- uh, hoping that… that we could, um… talk, maybe?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo... this is all turning out differently than i thought but im kinda good with that because i think its realistic. like, yeah, they drifted apart, but it was necessary somehow? liam needed time to reflect and i do feel bad for him, but at the same time its like how else would he ever realize he has feelings for niall too?
> 
> also as for zayn, he suddenly became my favorite character lmao. and harry, i know what he did was wrong, but then also... hes a great support for niall, and he feels responsible for him due to the fact hes dating louis and is liams cousin! idk when this turned into me analyzing my own fanfiction, but i guess here we are.
> 
> i think this fic will stay at 20 chapters, im having a feeling it should. also because i wanna move on ha ha, idk. this fic was/is different in many ways, i enjoyed writing it, then suddenly hated it, then for the past few chapters i had fun again, idk what it is. anyways, let me know your thoughts! im sorry for another cliffhanger, but i guess its not so bad considering its obvious what they will FINALLY talk about :p 
> 
> have a great week!!!! <333


	19. Chapter 19

“We probably should.“ Liam agreed after a moment and Niall barely dared to turn around to hand the man his water he was sure he didn’t actually want.

Niall only nodded, licking his lips and awkwardly leaning against his kitchen counter. Having Liam here was weird, in this flat where Niall had already had too many meltdowns over him considering he had not been living her for very long. 

Though he was the one who had suggested they talk, he was being quiet now, and Liam was also being quiet, probably giving him time to collect his thoughts or something and Niall wished the older man would have just spoken up, but sadly, he waited.

And waited a bit longer, because Niall suddenly felt incapable of forming more words, his brain was just empty, and in the end, he heard himself say the worst thing ever. Especially because he couldn’t even muster the courage to look at Liam for it.

“I miss you.” Niall blurted out, like a fucking idiot, blushing madly right after and hurrying to add onto it, because now it just sounded like a love confession. Which, somehow it was, but like- it was more than that. He missed Liam as a friend, as a constant in his life, too, in addition to loving him. “I mean, I- I know you’ve been busy and… and I have been, too, I probably will be a lot more now, but- sometimes I, um, I feel like… like you somehow… I mean- it felt like you just… stopped caring. A little bit… maybe a lot, honestly.”

“Niall, I… “ Liam started, and Niall was still staring at the wall instead of Liam, shifting a bit because he was nervous and god, he was NOT cut out for conversations like that but what else had he been supposed to do? Just let this carry on until he would eventually burst? “I miss you too.”

He just said it like that, and it made Niall’s heart flutter for all the wrong reasons.

“Then… why?” Was all he could bring out, FINALLY looking at the older man, only to find that Liam hadn’t been looking at him either. Well, at least something, right? At least they were both equally uncomfortable and embarrassed by this, even if that was stupid, but considering the whole situation… it made sense. 

“Because… “ The older man swallowed, slowly putting down the glass of water on Niall’s small table next to him and Niall followed his movements with his eyes. “I thought it would be good for you to, you know, like, get used to your job, and to living here by yourself and- things like that. Also… you know.”

He didn’t have to finish that sentence for it to hurt.

He had been avoiding Niall to help him get over him, was basically what Liam was implying, without actually saying it, and Niall had to swallow hard. Well, at least he once again had confirmation that Liam would never like him back, as if he could have forgotten about it, right?

Still, what was the use? It hurt all the same, possibly even more, to just not have Liam in his life altogether than to pine for him. Niall was pining anyways, so why bother to stay away?

“But… “ Niall didn’t know how to say this in a normal way and not sound pissed off, even though he kinda was a little pissed off thinking about it. How come Liam always got to decide what was best for Niall? “I feel like- it should be my decision. Whether this is, like, hurting me or not and I- I really felt like you just… like you were just happy I moved out and that you didn’t have to deal with me anymore because Harry and Zayn-“

“Ni, that’s not at all how it is, or was, I promise. I’m sorry if I made you feel this way, I know I’ve been distant and- it’s complicated.” Great.

“Then explain it to me.” Niall half demanded, a little surprised by himself, but now they were finally talking, Liam was FINALLY here and he needed to use that to his advantage and say what he had been bottling up for months now. “I really tried, the past few months and… I understand you were busy with work and all of that, that’s not what I mean. But… the fact alone you are here for the very first time only now… “

“I know.” Was all Liam said, then he sighed and Niall watched him rub his hands over his face, clearly frustrated. “I don’t know how to explain it.”

“Try. I’ve got time.” Way too much time, honestly, it wasn’t even that late and Niall wouldn’t have been able to sleep anyways. “Please.”

The older man looked at him for a moment, then out of the window though he could probably only see himself in it because it was pitch black now, then he sighed again while Niall was torturing his thumb nail. This was nerve wrecking for him, the conversation alone, but of course Niall was also very affected by Liam’s presence alone, the fact they had not really talked in so long, it felt like he needed to make up for it all right at this second.

How many more nights would they have slept in a bed had they never had that talk back then? Had Niall never gotten drunk that night at the bar or kissed Liam again? Would Niall still be living with him? Would he still be able to kiss Liam’s cheek and cuddle with him and not have it be weird?

Most likely. But then again, it also wasn’t what Niall would have wanted and he knew it would have not been healthy either. He was really happy with his job, the apartment, the way he knew he could do this by himself but also rely on Harry and Zayn, also Louis of course, if he really needed to, without slipping into a dependency again. It was comforting, and it gave him the security he had been craving for so long.

But of course, there was always _this_ in the back of his mind – his seemingly fading friendship, relationship, with Liam.

“Look, I… “ Liam started and Niall felt startled, having been lost in thoughts, lost staring at the older man’s face while Liam wasn’t looking at him. It wasn’t fair he was also so damn good looking, like, seriously. “I didn’t want you to move out.”

“But why-“

“You had to, though. It’s important that you’re living your own life, without being dependent on me, or Louis or- anyone. That’s what I wanted for you, exactly this, and I am really proud of you for handling it all so well and just going into it and doing it, because I know it was probably really nerve-wrecking for you the past few months, especially in the beginning. And I… “ He stopped to take a breath, still not looking at Niall. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there to support you, and that I left it to Harry to do that, and also to Zayn and- I was angry at myself, that I wasn’t the one who thought of getting you an apartment, and asking around if anyone had a job for you. Now that I’ve had time to think… I did it for selfish reasons. I wanted you to live with me, I wanted to do everything for you and baby you like you were still my little brother. And it _was_ about me feeling guilty, but it was also because I just _wanted_ to do that, you know? For you. But it was selfish and I realize that now, and I am glad Harry did what he did, I didn’t like that he just went over me, but… I know why he did it, and it’s good that he did, because look at you now. This is what you wanted… right?”

“I mean… yeah.” Niall was a bit stunned, he also wasn’t really sure how to react properly because it felt like Liam wasn’t done.

“Good, that’s how it should be. You deserve it.” His voice had gotten softer for a moment and Niall had to blink and look away as well. “I’m sorry. I know it’s not enough, I know that- I made mistakes, I keep making them, and I suck at dealing with this situation. And I know that and then I hate myself for it because I feel like I should be good at it, because of my job, but- I can’t go back and I did what I did, and I am really sorry for having left you twice. When I promised I wouldn’t.”

“You didn’t, we were still talking after all… “ Niall mumbled, but Liam’s words had made his face feel hot and he didn’t know what to say anymore. 

“But I know I’ve been distant… I should have come see your place, and answered your questions about living alone, if you had any-“ Tons. “And proof read your thesis, like I promised, and gotten you a graduation gift, and hung out with you, showed you how to make basic meals and- but I didn’t. I did none of that. And the longer it went on the guiltier I felt and I convinced myself you have Harry now, and Zayn, and your coworkers and- and that it was best for you, if I kept my distance. Let you live your life, finally.”

“But it’s not up to you to decide what’s best for me.” Was all Niall could say, like he had told Harry before at the party, and by some miracle, he felt confident saying it, his voice barely shaking. “Just because you were being distant doesn’t mean I’d just… forget about you, you know? And at times, I… I could have really needed your help and your advice, but it felt like you weren’t even there anymore. And it really hurt, especially because we never talked about it.”

“I know… “ Was that all he could say, that he knew? What was Niall supposed to do with that? 

“You said you miss me too.” Niall started after a moment, because it had been on his mind, and it felt like Liam had meant it, like he had truly done all of this because he had been upset Niall had moved out, had convinced himself it would help him to fall out of love with Liam AND because he had been mad at himself because he had been acting selfish. Though the last part was very dependent on the way the situation was viewed. 

“I do.” Liam confirmed without hesitation, and Niall hoped it meant that he wasn’t lying. Why would, he though? 

“So… “ The younger man continued, wanting to start one question, but then suddenly changing his mind. “So if I wouldn’t have made you come up here with me, would you have ever reached out again or just let us drift apart fully?”

There was silence following that, but it was enough to give Niall the chills, and not in a good way. He knew what this meant, he also knew what Harry had said, about Liam not being the type to chase anyone and instead isolating himself and growing distant, Niall just wouldn’t have thought that Liam would ever do that to him.

“What changed?” Niall asked after a second, half whispering now because he was afraid his voice would break. “From the beginning, when I was at your office and you kept following me and trying to force me to talk to you? And now, you would have just cut me out of your life like that?”

“I never said I would have cut y-“

“But you implied it. And the way this was heading, it would have happened eventually, because for how long should I have ran after you when you were being so cold?” Seriously. Niall felt himself getting more upset as the seconds passed. “I understand what you’re saying, but- is it really just because I fell in love with you?”

“I- don’t say it like… like that.” Liam’s face had gotten red when Niall checked, suddenly not even caring anymore.

“But that’s how it is. And that’s apparently the problem. That, and the fact that you felt hurt in your pride because Harry found me a job and an apartment and because you didn’t actually want me to move out, but you never even said that. You just let me leave. You-“

“It would have been really selfish to stop you, and I think we both agree that this was an important step. You are happy, right?” Well…

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss you. Or that it didn’t hurt you that you were acting so… careless.” Even now, Niall felt like there was something unsaid between them, he didn’t know what it was, but… it was clearly, obviously, there. “If I was really always as important to you as you said, then how come it was so easy for you to just let our friendship die when it was so hard for me? It’s like, it didn’t even phase you, you just continued life and-“

“That’s not true, at all.” Liam interrupted immediately, but how was Niall supposed to believe him now? “I genuinely thought this is for the best. I was hoping you would move on, that- Niall, I’m not the greatest friend to have. Certainly not a good person to fall for, either. I truly hate myself for what I did to you, but I was doing it hoping you’d finally get to live your life the way you were always supposed to, and wanted to. I didn’t wanna hold you back, or keep reminding you of the past, or baby you too much, or keep you from… falling in love with someone else.”

He said the last part quickly, awkwardly, and Niall had to swallow hard. This was a mess, and he didn’t even know what to say anymore. 

“I wasn’t being a good friend, I know that. I was being selfish.” If Liam really thought so low of himself… then what was Niall going to do about it? Either he believed him, or he didn’t, there was no other way. “I also, clearly, have got a communication problem.”

“That makes two of us… “ Niall mumbled, not to lighten the mood or as a joke, but because it was true. “I… I don’t know what to say anymore. I just- I’m angry because you just decided these things over my head and had me running after you and wondering what I did wrong, but- I understand what you’re saying, it’s just… I want you in my life. And it’s my decision, not yours. You said you’re upset with Harry for deciding for you, but you did the same to me, too.”

“I realize that… and I am really sorry. If… if you can forgive me, then… “ Liam left it open, and Niall felt relieved, but there was still something bothering him, he just couldn’t put his finger on it. “I know I can’t make up for this and it doesn’t mean I won’t try, but- I know I broke my promises. I know and- I hate myself for it. I just didn’t know what to do, I was upset with Harry, but I was really just mad at myself. And you’re the one who had to pay for it, and it’s not fair, and I know I hurt you, I keep on hurting you and-“

“Now you’re really wallowing in self pity.” Niall interrupted as a joke, a little bit, but he also meant it. At least Liam’s face got a bit softer after the initial surprise, and they ALMOST smiled at each other, but not really. “You can’t go back and change it anyways, and we both know I won’t hold a grudge. Just… if you mean it, then I need you to really _mean_ it this time.”

“I do, I did, I- I always meant it. I always wanted what was best for you, and I always will. I just gotta get it into my head that it’s not up to me to decide what that is and… that you’re an adult, and capable of making your own decisions.” So it was true, he had seen Niall as his little brother all along despite denying it? Well, why would Niall be surprised anyways? It was OBVIOUS. Somehow Niall had ended up being _everyone’s_ little brother at this point. “I’m sorry. Can you- can you forgive me one more time, even though I really don’t deserve it?”

“Hmm.” Niall made, suddenly not sure anymore if he should have just said yes and hugged Liam, like he probably would have a while back. Now, he had better ideas. “If you show me how much you really mean it, maybe.”

“Wha- are you being serious?” Liam let out a nervous laughter, as if he wasn’t sure, and Niall just grinned, shrugging.

“Obviously. You didn’t even get me a graduation gift, so how much can I really be worth to you?” He kept joking, forcing his voice to sound teasing, and light, as if he wasn’t still hurt. As if he didn’t know that this was not a good idea.

Deep down, he knew that what Liam had done, or planned on doing, would have possibly been the quickest way for Niall to get over him. Another year of this, Niall might have truly fallen out of love with him, who knew? They would have eventually stopped talking altogether, would have drifted apart even further and then… one morning, Niall would have woken up, and every trace of Liam in his life might have been washed away.

He wasn’t sure if that would have been a relief though, and whether his feelings wouldn’t have come back to hit him in the face if he ever did see Liam again. Now he would probably never find out, and he hated that he was excited about it, as if it was a good idea to be friends with the person he was pining for so openly and pathetically.

“Okay, got it. I’ll get you the best graduation gift, you just wait.” Liam joked, playing along immediately, and Niall thought he was probably just relieved that the conversation had taken a lighter turn.

Surely, they could have talked about this more, but for what? It seemed they had just been saying the same things over and over, and Niall still wasn’t sure what to make of the older’s words, but… did it even still matter? If they could be friends again… it was all Niall had wanted, as stupid and pathetic as it was.

He needed Liam, in whatever way he could have him, and if it was just a casual friendship… he would accept it with open arms, because he was weak. 

“But don’t make me wait too long, you’re already late.” Niall laughed, trying to be casual as he walked over to pick up the glass of water Liam had half drank. “Are you gonna finish that?”  
“I think I’m good, thanks. But I can-“  
“It’s fine.” Niall shrugged, simply emptying the rest of the water in the sink before popping the glass into the empty dishwasher. Now what? “Umm… this is weird.”

“It is.” Liam agreed, thankfully, and that alone somewhat broke the tension, just a tad. “Do you- are you tired?”

“Not at all. Are you?” He must have been, and Niall knew he was lying when he was shaking his head, but he chose not to comment on it. 

“Well, maybe we could watch something. We could also order some food, it’s late, but- it’s Friday.” He kept talking and Niall just nodded, because why not? This was what he had wanted, too, what he had daydreamed about, as stupid as it was.

“Yeah, sure, I- I’m kinda really hungry anyways.” To be fair, Niall wasn’t actually hungry, but also not full, so whatever. Anything to get over this awkwardness as quickly as somehow possible. Plus, if Liam wanted to stay this desperately… “What’d you want?”

So they did what Liam had said, they got too much food and sat on Niall’s much smaller couch, watching some show the younger boy had recently gotten into and Liam hadn’t known yet, and it took a little longer for the ice to break, but it did break, eventually.

And for just a little while, things were back to how they had been, minus all the physical stuff, of course, and with the whole awkwardness still in the back of their minds, but still, it was a start, at least. And Niall would have never admitted how sad he was to see Liam saying goodbye at like 3 in the morning, or how much longer he thought of the hug they had shared then, and the way it had lasted longer than it probably should have.

Then again, they had just made up, so it seemed appropriate at the same time. Still, Niall wasn’t sure where this would lead them, whether it would even work, whether he even fully believed Liam.

At this point, the older man had definitely broken his trust, not to a point where Niall thought it could never be mended, but there had been a time where he would have put his life in Liam’s hands, where he would have been 100% certain that the older man would always be there ready to catch him. 

Now, Niall wasn’t sure if he still felt this way, about anyone really, but somehow he also felt that maybe it wasn’t a bad thing to not depend on other people so much, and to put more trust into himself. Sure, he had needed a lot of help to get to where he was right now, but his circumstances had also not been the greatest, and Niall had learned to forgive himself for leaning on and asking for extra help from people throughout his life.

In that sense, Liam had definitely been right, it had been an important step for Niall to do what he had done and it would be Harry who Niall would forever be thankful to for that. But of course that didn’t mean Liam wasn’t the one who had initially been there for him, who had protected him when they had been kids, and had continued to do so until a couple months ago. 

In the end, him wanting to baby Niall so much hadn’t been a bad thing, and it was what Niall had needed at the time, but he was also grateful that the situation was now changed, and hopeful that maybe that meant they could have a shot at building a real, more mature, friendship.

Maybe a miracle would happen and it would help Niall to get over his feelings, too, but sadly, he kinda doubted it as he was lying in his bed later that night (early morning) unable to fall asleep because of Liam. Yet again.

\-----------------------

“So, you and Liam are still good?” Harry was way too curious, Niall had gotten used to it by now though.

“I mean- yeah. I think we’re good, but… I’m not sure. It’s only been a week.” A week of Liam and Niall texting consistently, having actual conversations on the phone, and meeting up _twice_ , even if not for very long. Understandable though, they both had jobs, and it had been Niall’s first week working full time as well.

It had definitely been a help to talk to Liam about that, too, like, time management, adult stuff like that. Niall almost felt a bit too euphoric sometimes thinking about how he could now talk about these things as well.

“Did he ever get you that graduation gift?” Well, about that…

“I think he forgot. Or thought it was a joke, I- I mean, it was. I forgot as well.” Niall shrugged, not wanting to turn this into a big deal. It HAD sort of been a joke. “It’s not like I desperately need a present from him or anything.” 

“He’s probably just breaking his head over what to get you, I doubt he forgot.” Harry sounded as if he was trying to console Niall over it, which was stupid, but the younger boy didn’t really get to tell him that. “Can you please get your dirty fingers out of that bowl?”

“What? I washed my hands.” Niall complained, still putting his finger in one more time, out of spite, and Harry rolled his eyes at him. “It tastes good.”

“Of course it does, I’ve made this like 300 times. Go sit at the table or something, you’re in my way.” He kind of, forcefully, removed Niall from standing by the counter then, and the younger boy gave in with a laugh, deciding not to get onto Harry’s nerves anymore. At least not by stopping him from cooking. 

“When is Louis getting here?” Maybe Niall should have known, but he didn’t. Louis’ schedule was still different every week, who in god’s name would bother to keep up, anyway?

“No idea.” See, not even Harry tried to do it. “… I still think I should have invited Liam too.”

“No, it would have gotten super awkward. Also, he’s hanging out with Zayn right now.” And Niall knew that, because they had been texting all morning.

Well, not exactly _morning_ , but earlier in the day. Not Niall’s fault it was his first Saturday after he had worked full time all week. How did people do that all their lives anyways? At least he was lucky enough that he never really had to get up as early as people with more casual jobs, but it also meant that sometimes he was expected to stay very late at the studio, too. 

Which was fine though, Niall liked his job and he sometimes even preferred to work late. For now, at least.

“Did he forgive you yet? Like, fully?” Niall had tried to hold back with his questions about that, in front of both of them. He felt a bit responsible for the fight between Harry and Liam that hadn’t really been a fight at all, just… if it hadn’t been for Niall, this would have never happened. 

“It seems like it. Ever since the party, he’s more himself again. Not that we talk _that_ much, but about the same as before. And he never mentioned it again.” At least something. 

“Now we only need to get Louis to forgive him.” Maybe then Niall would be able to fully relax. Or he’d just find a new problem to waste 99% of his energy on.

“I don’t think Louis still cares, to be honest. He’s not gotten upset over any of us mentioning Liam in a long time now… I can’t even remember the last time he rolled his eyes over him.” To be fair, they had not talked about Liam a whole lot, mostly because Niall hadn’t wanted to until recently. Last weekend, to be exact. “But that is why I said I should have invited Liam. Maybe we can all finally move on from… whatever. It’d be good. Healthy.”

Niall doubted that any of this was healthy, but he remained quiet, scrolling through his phone while Harry continued to do whatever in the kitchen. Niall should have known by now, he had seen Harry cook this tons of times, had even tried making it himself, but had somehow failed each and every time.

Cooking was a lot harder than it looked, especially when _every_ ingredient was sold in family size, it was something Niall had never had to pay attention to before. 

To Niall’s surprise, he got a text while mindlessly scrolling through social media, his thumb immediately tapping on it, automatically, and he definitely did not regret it.

_Liam 17:34  
Look at this dog I just saw! Ha ha_

He had attached a picture as well, obviously, and Niall had to admit the dog WAS very funny looking, but he was much more excited about the fact that Liam had thought to text him this, randomly, that he had seen something that had made him laugh and the person he had thought to share it with, was Niall.

“… Niall?”

Harry broke Niall out of trance, apparently having asked something, or said his name a couple times, and Niall almost dropped his phone.

“Can you hold this for a second?” He asked again, sounding a bit impatient by now, but his voice sounded teasing as the younger boy scrambled to walk over and help. “What’s gotten you smiling like that?”

“Just a meme, you wouldn’t get it.” Niall lied smoothly, and Harry huffed, but he let him be, probably knowing the truth deep down anyways, because it wouldn’t have taken a genius to figure it out.

Maybe Niall and Liam really were getting back on track, for good this time.

\-----------------------

For a few weeks, Niall tried not to get his hopes up, tried to prepare himself for the, seemingly inevitable, moment when Liam would once again decide that he didn’t actually care or that what they were doing was a bad idea. Which, to be fair, it probably was, but neither of them spoke about it again.

Liam never got him that graduation gift, but Niall forgot about it as well, and it’s not like it truly mattered – it had been a joke after all, and to be fair, the best gift he had gotten was Liam showing up to the party and agreeing to come upstairs to his apartment.

They hung out more, texted every day, sometimes spoke on the phone whenever Niall had a crisis in the kitchen and needed Liam to guide him through an entire recipe only to end up burning it anyways. Liam also slept over once, but he stayed on the couch, which was fine, of course, something normal friends would do, right?

Niall got somewhat used to working full time, though at times he actually missed the freedom he had thought would drive him insane at some point. He decided that considering the fact that at least his existential worries were put at ease, it had been a good trade. Only now, he just had more time for other problems to consume him fully.

Well, just one problem. His growing feelings for Liam, that he seemed to not be able to keep under control, his euphoria over them getting along again and re-building their friendship – this time on a, hopefully, more solid and mature basis.

At least that’s what Niall liked to tell himself most of the time.

It was June and the weather had turned hot over-night, basically, but Niall kind of enjoyed it though he had never used to before. Being outside more kind of helped him to feel happier and get through the day more easily, even if he felt sleep deprived most of the time because he was living next to a park and whenever he tried to cool his bedroom at night by opening the window, his walls were immediately inhabited by 10 billion mosquitos.

His only solution to that problem was to just burn alive and throw away his covers.

“Hi, sorry I’m late.” Niall was only late by like 10 minutes, and Liam seemed unbothered, even almost startled when the younger boy walked up to him. “I kind of… overslept.”

“It’s 2 in the afternoon.” Liam reminded him, but then he laughed. “You’re starting to remind me of Zayn.”

“Yeah, well, he has been coming to the studio a lot lately, maybe he rubbed off on me. But he also kinda just comes in to hang out and nap on the couch.” Sometimes he would also edit a video in the background and Niall forgot he was even there. “Wait- you didn’t already get yourself ice cream and finished it without me, right?”

“I wouldn’t dare.” Liam snorted, _finally_ going in to give Niall that brief half hug the boy had been looking forward to ever since waking up. It lasted probably a second. “Are you sure you wanna take a walk though?”

“Yeah? I even put on sunscreen like you told me to 25 times.” Now that Niall’s skin felt sticky and gross, he would NOT just have this have been for nothing. “Why? Do you not want to?”

“No, I was just checking.” It was probably because Niall was already sweaty, but Liam didn’t have to know it was just because Niall had had to run a few times or he would have been REALLY late. “Let’s go before you have to rob one of those poor kids of their ice cream.” 

“I was just _looking_.” Niall defended himself, and Liam laughed.

It was Sunday, the weather was nice, so naturally, the whole world was outside doing the exact same thing as them. It had been Niall’s idea, claiming they spent too much time inside or not moving whenever they hung out and that they were doing that at work as well, and Liam had just laughed at him asking Niall how he could already think that way after the short amount of time he had spent working at the studio.

Niall did get too many toppings and too many flavors at once, but he didn’t care, and at least it amused Liam even though it ended up not tasting as great as it looked. Obviously, he would have never admitted to it, not out of his free will, anyways.

This was nice though, Niall forgot about the heat while they were walking, mostly also because he was paranoid about accidentally swallowing a bee or something, so he tried to eat quickly, but not TOO quickly. Liam thought it was hilarious.

“I’ve been wondering something.” Niall started after he had almost finished his whole cup of ice cream, Liam having told him he might as well have called it a _bucket_ , which was kinda true, but also rude. “I mean, it’s summer break at uni, right? I always thought you would just have the whole summer off. Like Christmas?”

“There are lots of summer classes and courses. Also, students are writing papers and stuff, and their problems don’t just go away. Christmas is different, it’s just two weeks.” Oh. Made sense. “… did you think I’ve just been at home the past few weeks?”

“No.” Totally not. Just once, maybe. “I mean, you were talking about work, I just- I don’t know. I never really thought about it, honestly. Would’ve been cool though… to have the whole summer off.”

“I would’ve gotten bored, I think.” Liam argued, and Niall kinda got that. Sometimes he got bored on weekends now, as well. Not this weekend though. 

“You could have taken a trip to somewhere.” Niall had never been on a trip, the furthest he had probably gone had been last Christmas to Liam’s aunt’s house, if he really thought about it. Which he didn’t want to, at all. It made him feel quite weird to think about that time when he had been living with Liam.

Somehow it felt as if they were 2 different people now, or as if years had passed and not just months. Niall assumed it was mostly because of him, because his life had changed so much in such a short amount of time, because Liam was still the same to him. Only thing that was different was that he wasn’t treating Niall like a child anymore, only teasingly now, like when he had told him not to forget the sunscreen, but it was different.

Niall was aware that that would have never happened if he had continued to live with Liam.

“Like, to where? Travelling alone gets boring, too.” Well, the younger boy wouldn’t know.

“I would have come with you. We could have gone, to like… Disneyland, or- I don’t know, it was the only place I could think of, don’t laugh.” He was still laughing though, but fondly, and Niall willed away the weird feeling in his stomach.

He had gotten so good at ignoring the fact that he was in love with Liam that sometimes, he almost believed he wasn’t, that what he felt was just really, really strong friendship and love, for a _friend_. Then, there were moments like this.

Obviously Liam would have never wanted to go on a trip with him, why would he have? And one day, Niall’s one true fear would come true, and Liam would fall in love with someone else and go on trips and park dates with THAT person, and a whole new world of problems would open up right in front of them.

Niall almost choked on his last gummy bear when Liam reached over to ruffle his hair. 

“Well, if you really wanted to, we could.” Liam suddenly said, and Niall thought he was being serious for a moment, but then brushed it off, pretended it hadn’t been serious to make it hurt less.

“I don’t really feel the urge to go on a trip, I was just offering to be nice.” He joked, but it reminded him of something. “Zayn asked me a while back if I wanted to go to some convention with him. Like, overseas, but I said-“

“Wait, what?” Liam interrupted, more invested than Niall would have expected, he had really only said it to switch the topic after all. “Why?”

“Uh, no idea. It was some Youtuber thing, I guess he was just going for content, he said his viewers think I’m funny.” And Niall had taken a lot of pride in that, somehow. “Anyways, I said no because I would have felt bad letting him pay. I mean, he did tell me some of the expenses would be covered because he was invited by this company, but still.”

“Huh.” Was all Liam said to that, and suddenly, the whole atmosphere between them felt weird and Niall had no idea why. 

“What?” Niall asked after a moment, because he was genuinely confused, throwing away his empty cup in the meantime as they passed a garbage can.

“Nothing, just- I don’t know. I didn’t know the two of you are… so tight.” Wait…

“I mean, I see him like 4 or 5 times a week.” Which was a lot, thinking about it, but Niall barely ever thought about it. They didn’t always talk a lot, sometimes Zayn showed up to see someone else working at the studio, too. 

“Oh. I didn’t know he goes to the studio so often, he never told me.” Well, SHOULD he have told Liam? For what, though? Why did Liam even care? 

“He knows all the staff and sometimes the people recording, too. Also, the internet there is pretty fast.” That should explain enough, right?

Still, there was more silence between them and if Niall wouldn’t have known better, he would have said Liam was jealous. Which was stupid, of course. He was probably just wondering why Niall saw his friend more often than he did, but he did know it was work related, didn’t he? Niall did consider Zayn his friend, but not like _that_.

“Overseas, where?” Liam suddenly asked, out of context, and it took Niall a moment to realize he was still referring to what he had said before.

“Um, Florida, but-“

“He invited you to go to _Florida_ with him?” Okay, well, now Liam sounded truly astonished. “And you said no? Why?”

“Wouldn’t you feel bad letting him pay for you to go to another continent?” Seriously?

“I don’t know, he didn’t ask me.” WAS Liam jealous? But of Niall?! 

“He probably thought you had work and couldn’t just take a vacation.” Why was Niall now trying to make Liam feel better about this? 

“It wasn’t supposed to sound like I thought he should have asked me, I was just- surprised. That he asked you, I mean. Not that- you know. Just. I don’t know.” What? 

“I have no idea what you just said.” Niall admitted, laughing a bit, but the tension didn’t go away. “I thought it was weird too. But his viewers… and it would have mostly been paid. He didn’t end up going, I think they cancelled the whole convention.”

“Strange.” And that was Liam’s only comment, and Niall took it as an indicator to shut his mouth.

A few awkward moments passed before he decided to simply start talking about something else and luckily Liam went back to being somewhat normal again as well.

Still, what the fuck had that been?

\-------------------

Liam wasn’t sure why, but this whole Zayn and Niall thing was suddenly bothering him to no end. 

He felt happy about the way things had developed between him and Niall, it was like, they could truly be friends now, without any pressure, and Liam still felt guilty at times, but he was really trying his hardest. It was easier whenever he would just pretend Niall had long gotten over him, because he acted like he had and they never talked about it.

Sometimes, Niall would still call him up with questions that made Liam laugh, but it was becoming less frequent, and it was apparent that the boy was growing more comfortable not only in his own skin in general, but in life, in living alone and his job, and Liam thought it was very impressive.

Liam also made up with Harry, though they never really talked about it again and Liam found that actually, there was no need or use to anyways. After all, he knew he had never truly been mad at his cousin, he had simply projected the anger he had felt for himself onto the other man and it hadn’t been fair.

Liam hadn’t been fair to anyone in his life for a while, and he was trying his hardest to fix this now, which was also why his sudden obsession with this friendship between Zayn and Niall made him feel more than just weird.

He should have been happy they were such good friends, like… Niall was set with this job, and he’d never lose it thanks to Zayn (but of course also his own skill set), and Zayn was a good person and a great friend and- but he literally saw Niall twice as often as Liam, which had never really occurred to Liam before. Like yeah, they hadn’t really been on the best terms for a while, but still…

Now that he knew, he couldn’t stop thinking about it. Also, Florida? Seriously? And the whole graduation party too… 

Liam was on the fence about asking Niall more questions about that topic, because he was aware that he had been acting strange about it last weekend at the park, so Liam tried to hold back and simply forget about it.

Truth was, he did NOT forget about it, and suddenly he felt an urge to text Niall even during work, and ask him to hang out again that week, because why not? They got along so well, and Niall was Liam’s best friend if he really thought about it. It was like… they really _got_ each other, in ways Liam had never thought they would because before all of this he had always been worrying about Niall as a brother mostly, and all those problems they had had, so he had never really gotten to casually be friends with him before. Ever.

Another thing Liam had to be grateful for to Harry… and Zayn.

“What, now? I’m just driving home.” Liam was on the phone with Harry, again while driving, and somehow his cousin seemed to be very insistent on Liam coming over to pick up some package his mother had sent that apparently included things for Liam as well. “What even is it?”

“Like, stuff. I don’t know. She sent a whole bunch of things, because she went on this trip, it’s mostly souvenirs.” Okay, why was Liam now getting triggered by people just saying the word _trip?_ This was so stupid. “It’s been lying around in my kitchen for a week, please just come and pick it up, it’ll literally take 20 minutes. You can take some muffins with you too, I just made them yesterday.”

“I don’t know if I want to, I actually just wanna go home and-“

“Okay, see you in a bit, bye.” And then Harry simply hung up, and Liam groaned. Typical.

He did think of just not going, but then again, Harry was right, it would have only taken a few minutes, and maybe Liam needed to stop being boring and actually do things after work, even if it was during the week. 

Maybe that was another reason why Niall preferred to hang out with Zayn, because he actually had time to do so and surely never had to cancel because of a headache from working all day because he could take breaks whenever he wanted.

Yes, Liam was an idiot for even thinking these things in the first place, so maybe that was another reason why he went to Harry’s place, just to distract himself further until he would get home and be left alone with his thoughts.

What he wouldn’t have considered though, was to be faced with a whole different problem as he was standing in front of his cousin’s door, and the face he saw once the door opened was not Harry’s, but rather Louis’.

Oh. Well. Shit.

“Umm. Hi.” Liam tried, hoping he wasn’t as flushed as his face felt because… why? Why did this have to happen? Also, he should have truly considered this as an option, but Harry could have warned him?! 

“Hi. Come in.” Louis did not seem surprised, and he let Liam enter without another glance or word and for a moment, Liam wondered if Louis had moved in with Harry and no one had ever mentioned it to him.

Why did this feel like an alternate universe, compared to not even a year ago? 

Liam hadn’t seen Louis in so long that he had almost forgotten that he existed in the first place. Niall did sometimes mention him casually, but usually only in passing, when he was telling a story that involved him, but he mentioned a bunch of different names because he knew so many people now, so it was different.

Now, standing in front of Louis and seeing him dressed in normal clothes, looking not at all as if he was about to jump Liam or thought about strangling him any second… Liam almost felt like everything before this had just been illusions. 

“Thanks… “ Liam tried, feeling uncomfortable as he entered the apartment, getting a bit nervous when his cousin was nowhere in sight. “Harry is- he’s here, right?” 

“Yeah, he just went to take a call right when you rang the bell. He’s in the other room.” Great. 

“Okay.” Liam couldn’t think of anything else to say, and for a moment, they both just stood there, in silence, neither knowing what to do. 

Luckily, Louis’ patience was still barely existent and he lasted maybe two seconds.

“Well, I got work to do.” Then he simply turned and left and Liam couldn’t think straight or he would have wondered what kinda work Louis would have to do. Anyways.

He did take off his shoes, and tried to look busy on his phone even though Louis had left and no one was watching him. Niall was ignoring his messages, and though that was of course not a reason to worry, Liam’s mind immediately told him that he was probably doing it to think of an excuse as to why they couldn’t hang out because he was already hanging out with Zayn.

Liam did wander into the kitchen eventually, thinking about just grabbing the things he knew were for him, but sadly, Louis was also in the kitchen, working away on a laptop.

For all Liam knew, he could have switched jobs, too, now that he thought about it. Not that he cared though. Maybe he was just playing games.

Now that Liam was in here, he couldn’t just walk out again, so he tried to ignore the nervousness pooling up inside of him. God damn it, he hated Harry for this.

“You, uh, don’t know by any chance what he wanted to give to me, right? Because I’m kinda- in a rush and-“

“Everything in that box over there. But he’d probably be pissed if you didn’t wait for him to finish the call.” Louis shrugged, leaving it up to Liam, and at least now Liam had something to do as in, go through that box.

It really was random stuff, mostly souvenirs as Harry had said on the phone, and Liam had no idea what he had been expecting, but… well, maybe an excuse as to why he had actually bothered to show up.

He could hear Louis typing behind him and also faint voices through the walls from somewhere inside the apartment where Harry must have been on the phone. It seemed to be quite an intense conversation and Liam had a feeling it was probably work related, meaning it would possibly take ages for him to get done.

Great.

Liam considered simply walking out, taking the things and leaving and ignoring the fact that he did kinda want a muffin right now, but wasn’t just going to take one. He waited, going through the things again, staring at his phone, leaning against the counter, and then he finally had had enough. 

“Listen, uh- can you tell Harry I’m sorry, but I really just wanna get home.” Liam explained to Louis, who only looked up briefly, nodding and shrugging. Okay. “Alright… thanks.”

Neither of them said anything else, so Liam simply took the whole box, throwing one last glance at the muffins before walking across the kitchen, not looking at Louis anymore. He was already lost in thoughts again, still wondering why Niall had been ignoring him for like 2 hours now when he knew for a fact that he wasn’t even at work anymore. 

So naturally, Louis speaking up again kinda caused Liam to flinch.

“You and Niall are friends again, right?” He just asked it out nowhere, and Liam almost dropped the entire box.

“Umm- yeah. We are.” He confirmed, although in that moment, Liam was suddenly not sure. Not because they weren’t friends, but because he was a stupid idiot who apparently was now getting possessive over Niall’s time when HE was the one who had pushed the younger boy away and somewhat _forced_ him to become close with Zayn and Harry.

Only, Harry was not Liam’s problem for some reason, like, he knew how often Niall was here, but it didn’t even phase Liam anymore. Maybe because Harry was his cousin, or maybe, just maybe because… because he knew Harry and Louis truly saw a younger brother in Niall.

Zayn possibly did not.

“Why?” Liam continued when Louis didn’t say anything else, he seemed unsure, shrugging again, then he suddenly shut his laptop, his expression more serious.

“Because I was ready to kick your ass and if you mess this up again then I definitely will.” Oh.

“I don’t intend to mess this up again.” Liam told him, clenching his jaw and wondering whether they were really about to throw hands in Harry’s kitchen, with the man in the other room. “I know I messed up and it was entirely my fault. Me and Niall talked about this.”

“Okay, good, just letting you know.” Was all Louis said, suddenly more cheerful again, almost as if he thought that this was funny. He probably did. “I was gonna say something else, too.”

“Okay?” This was so strange, why was Liam still here?

There was silence between them, they were just looking at one another, and Liam blinked a couple times, waiting, his confusion growing until Louis FINALLY seemed to get over his pride. “I don’t think I still hate you.”

“I- uh, okay? I mean- thanks?” What else was he gonna say? “I’m- what brought you to that conclusion?”

“The fact that I’m dating your cousin and that I really like your family. Also, you did help Niall out a lot and even though you behaved like an idiot a couple times, I suppose I can excuse it because I know deep down that you actually only wanted what’s best for him.” Wow, was this real? “And also… I made mistakes as well, regarding Niall. As we both know. I introduced him to toxic people and things that he might have never tried out if it weren’t for me and- well, anyways. He’s happy, I’m happy, I don’t know about you, but- I feel like we should finally put the past behind us. For good.”

Liam couldn’t believe it, so he just stared, trying to let this sink in and let himself know that this was real, but his mouth was just kinda open, no sounds coming out.

“If you don’t want t-“

“No, no, I- of course. I mean, yeah, I am all for letting the past go. I- I never got to really personally apologize to you, so I just wanted to-“

“Don’t.” Louis interrupted immediately, much to Liam’s surprise, and the older man sighed as he slowly got up. “I don’t think you have anything to apologize for. You were a child and… I suppose I was just trying to find somebody to blame and to hate for what happened. I talked about it with Harry many times and it really helped. Also, seeing Niall turning his life around like that… it made me realize a couple things as well… anyways, I want us to at least be able to speak normally to each other. I know you would have probably been ready for that for much longer and it was me who was being difficult… also, I am sorry for our fight at Zayn’s, too. I don’t think I ever said that.”

“I’m sorry too.” Liam told him immediately, though, to be perfectly fair… Louis had been the one who had caused it. Not that Liam was going to start arguing about that, ever again. “I’d be really happy if we could put it all behind us.”

“Okay, then that’s settled.” And then Louis just _smiled_ as he stood in front of Liam, and now this must have truly been an alternate universe, because… what? 

They shook hands over it, Louis was the one who initiated it, and Liam shifted the box he was holding to one arm so he actually had one free. It felt weird, and awkward, but it was also maybe one of the biggest reliefs ever. Maybe now was really the time for everything to get worked out. 

“On that note, I think you should really wait for Harry to get done. And take a muffin, too, I don’t wanna have to eat them all by myself. He really put eggs in them even though he doesn’t even eat them himself.” Well, now Liam really had to stay.

He wasn’t sure if he and Louis would ever be friends, or merely tolerate each other, but when Liam eventually asked him what he was working on because Harry was taking ages, Louis seemed very willing to tell Liam about how he was applying for different jobs because he had grown tired of the bar and it actually felt like a normal conversation between people who hadn’t hated each other for years.

“What’s going on here?” When Harry entered the room, he seemed really confused, but before either Louis or Liam could have said anything, the other man had already moved on, looking and sounding quite annoyed. “Sorry, this client is a pain in the ass and- anyways, Li, do you know where Niall is? He was supposed to come over and pick up some leftover food but he’s been ignoring me for like 5 hours.”

Wait… “He’s been ignoring me too. His shift already ended though… “

“Hmm… strange.” Okay, but had Harry asked Liam to come, because he had thought Niall was gonna be here, too? More importantly though, why was he not freaking out like Liam? “Did you try calling him?”

“No. Did you?” Harry only nodded to that, again eyeing Liam and then Louis, but choosing not to comment for some reason. “Maybe- I could drop off the food at his place. See if he’s alright. Maybe he fell asleep.”

“Maybe.” Was all Harry said, but then he shared a look with Louis, and Liam felt uncomfortable, but also panicked.

“What?” He asked, not being able to stand this, and it was actually Louis who answered him, slowly, while keeping his eyes on Harry.

“Me and Harry have just been worried about him lately, because Will has been texting him again. I swear to god, I will kill that pig one day.” Louis sounded as if he really meant it, and Harry glared at him for it, but Liam suddenly felt a bit dizzy.

How could he have not known that? The last time they had talked about Will had been the night of the graduation party, when the man had unknowingly kind of helped them to mend their friendship, and Liam had somehow assumed that Will had given up after that. Apparently not.

“Maybe it would really be a good idea if Liam went to his place to check on him, just to be safe.” Louis continued, and Harry nodded slowly, as if he was unsure. “I mean, I doubt this has anything to do with Will, but… “

“Yeah, just- make it seem casual. I don’t think he’d appreciate the fact that we were all worried and are checking up on him just because he wanted to take a nap or didn’t check his phone. I’m sure it’s nothing.” Fair enough, also because Liam was done babying Niall, but now he was truly worried for other reasons.

So he did end up taking the food intended for Niall, and his goodbye to Louis was kinda weird because Harry was staring at them quite intensely, but Liam ignored it. Louis would tell his boyfriend whatever was necessary anyways.

The drive was short, Liam had never really thought about the fact that Niall lived close to Harry, but now he knew. He was worried, a little panicked, but he tried to keep all of that locked away once he got out of the car. Conveniently enough, someone was just leaving the building and Liam caught the door, taking two steps at once as he went to the floor Niall lived on.

Was this rude? Should he have tried calling Niall beforehand? But he probably wouldn’t have picked up, so what was the point? He probably wasn’t even home, and Liam had no idea what to do with the food then, but he would worry about that later.

He rang the doorbell twice, and then a third time, because he was impatient, and nothing happened, but then suddenly, there was a voice yelling “Coming!” and when Niall ripped open the door, he was still laughing at something, but his face fell when he saw Liam.

Only for a moment though, the surprise passing quickly, then he smiled.

“Oh, hi! Sorry, I thought you were the pizza guy, I was already wondering how he got here in like 10 minutes and- what’s up?” Niall sounded very cheerful, which was of course a relief, but… what?

“Uh, nothing, I just went to Harry’s to pick something up and he said this is for you, so I thought I’d drop it off.” Liam explained awkwardly, and- why was this awkward? What was wrong with him?

“Ah, shit I was supposed to- I’ve not checked my phone in like, hours.” Guilt flashed across Niall’s face, but before Liam could tell him that it was probably fine, he was suddenly startled by a different voice coming from inside Niall’s apartment.

“Was it not the pizza guy?”

The thing is, Liam would have _killed_ Will on sight, he had already had his mind set on it before coming here, just in case, and he had truly thought Niall wasn’t even home, or asleep, and also, that Liam was being delusional worrying about _Zayn_ , but then why the hell was Zayn in Niall’s apartment?!

And why the FUCK was he shirtless as he walked out of Niall’s… bedroom?

“Oh, hi, Li.” What?!

“Umm…. “ Was all Liam was capable of making, his brain emptying as he stared at his friend’s bare chest. Was today just a dream? It would have surely made Liam feel slightly better.

“He brought the food I was supposed to pick up from Harry’s place.” Niall explained to Zayn while Liam was still staring like a fucking idiot. “You didn’t have to drive all the way over, but thank you.”

“Uh… “ Liam cleared his throat, still not knowing what to say, and why was everyone acting as if Zayn wasn’t standing there without a shirt on?! “It was no trouble, ummm- what- what are you guys doing?”

“Just filming something.” Zayn shrugged, seemingly unphased as he was checking his phone, and- what the hell?!

“Like what? A sex tape?” Liam let out an awkward laugh, because the words had just slipped out, and immediately all eyes were on him of course, no one amused by that stupid joke.

To be fair, it had not even been a joke.

“What? No, we were taste tasting things and Niall spilled something on my shirt, I was just about to change.” Okay, so why hadn’t he?! “What’s wrong with you?”

“With _me?_ ” Liam asked, because he could not believe this, honestly. 

“Yeah, you’re staring at me as if you wanna jump at me any second. Does it bother you that much that I don’t have a shirt on?” Zayn was clearly trying to be funny, but Liam was really not in the mood.

So Niall had truly been ignoring them all, just to hang out with a shirtless Zayn in his bedroom? Suddenly, Liam felt very much like killing Zayn, too, right after Will. Maybe even before, honestly, since he was already here.

“I was just worried about Niall.” Was all Liam said in the end, finally putting down the bag of food inside Niall’s place, probably sounding a bit too accusing. “So was Harry.”

“I just forgot to check my phone for a couple hours, it’s not a big deal.” Niall rolled his eyes immediately, and Liam faintly recalled what Harry had told him, to keep it casual, but it was too late for that. 

“It kinda is, you told Harry you would go to his place and-“

“So what?” Niall interrupted, sounding upset already, and Liam knew he did not like to be babied or patronized like that anymore, not when it was serious, but he truly didn’t care in that moment.

“So if you make plans and don’t show up, it’s kinda normal the other person would get worried.” Liam was trying to keep it together still, keep his voice neutral, but that immediately went out the window the moment Niall answered him without hesitation.

“I didn’t make plans with _you_ though.” Niall half snapped, and honestly, what the fuck?

“Clearly.” Was all Liam thought of saying, his eyes flickering over to Zayn, who seemed to feel quite uncomfortable in his skin by now. Literally. “I mean, you could have just said you were already busy, but just not answering is also a way, I guess.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? I am obliged to hang out with you whenever you ask?” His voice sounded angry, and Liam knew he probably didn’t mean it like that, only why did it still hurt?

“I never said that.” Liam kinda wanted to turn around and just leave, but he also couldn’t really move. They never fought, they hadn’t ever really fought, if he thought about it. Not like this, not because of something so stupid.

“Then why do I have to answer my phone immediately every time someone calls or texts? I’m not a fucking baby, I don’t need you to check up on me all the time. And I can hang out with whoever and whenever I want to.” Now Niall did sound like a child throwing a tantrum, but Liam was probably not better.

“I think I’m just gonna g-“

“No. Liam was just about to leave anyways.” Niall stopped Zayn from wanting to go back to his bedroom, maybe to FINALLY get dressed, but Niall’s eyes were fixated on Liam and they were pure venom.

“Was I?” Liam asked sarcastically, though on the inside, he felt hurt and shocked. 

“Yeah.” Niall confirmed for him, and then, he added something clearly only meant for Liam’s ear, which kinda made it even worse than this situation already had been to begin with. “You know, if I didn’t know better, I’d say you’re pretty damn jealous right now and you, of all people, have absolutely no right to do that.”

“I… “ Liam was startled, his mouth open, but no words came out as heat crawled into his face. 

“Thanks for bringing the food.” Was all the younger boy said, and he closed the door in Liam’s face literally a second later, leaving the older man stunned in the hallway.

All Liam could think of when he was leaving the building, more upset and hurt as the seconds were passing by, was that he was definitely NOT jealous. At all. Why would he, anyways?

It just bothered him to no end that apparently Zayn had something with Niall that Liam did not and that his excuse for not having a shirt on had sounded pretty cheap and fake. And if it turned out that they truly had _something_ going on, then Liam wasn’t sure if he could ever look Zayn in the face again.

But that didn’t make him jealous, right? Not at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> god i am so stupid i swear, i forgot its monday AGAIN because i already had this chapter ready since saturday night, im so sorry! at least its not as late at the other time rip
> 
> anyways! hope you enjoyed this, i really liked writing it, i like this new niall haha. also idk if i will manage to wrap this story up next chapter, but i guess we are going to find out very soon :p let me know your thoughts!
> 
> thank you for all the lovely comments ive gotten recently, i really enjoy talking to you guys! <3


	20. Chapter 20

“Was that… too harsh?“ Niall and Zayn had both been standing there in silence for a moment, neither of them speaking a word, and as quickly as Niall’s anger had overboiled, it was replaced by many other emotions he couldn’t name for some reason.

It’s just… what the fuck? Why was Liam still treating him like a baby? If Harry was THAT worried, he would have come here himself, hours ago, but it had been obvious Liam had volunteered to drop the stupid leftover food off just to have an excuse to check on Niall.

And why would he imply Niall and Zayn were filming a fucking sex tape? Like, even as just a joke, that had been fucking weird. He had been acting like a jealous boyfriend or something, and normally Niall would have been excited over it, as stupid as that was, but as time had passed, he had really tried to get over his stupid crush and here Liam had to come and ruin it all again. 

Plus, the only reason why Liam would have been acting this way would be because he still thought Niall was a child and probably didn’t like how well Niall and Zayn got along because Zayn had been Liam’s friend first.

So… what the hell? Why would he imply NIALL was the child, and he went and acted this immature himself?

“I mean… “ Zayn started, sounding unsure as Niall finally turned around. “It is kinda weird that I have no shirt on, I gotta agree with him.”

“Why’s it matter? It’s _my_ apartment and he just showed up out of nowhere trying to patronize me.” Niall snapped, his anger clearly not fully gone.

He wasn’t even MAD mad at Liam, mostly just annoyed. 

“I suppose it’s hard for him to stop worrying about you, he did it for so long. I don’t think he means any harm.” Was all Zayn had to say, and then, before Niall could continue, he was already walking away. “I’m really gonna change my shirt now. Can I still borrow the one you put out?”

“I- yeah. Just take any shirt you want.” Niall told him, stuck in thoughts.

There were many things on his mind as he took out his phone, staring at the calls and messages he had missed or had been ignoring because he had been busy. In the end, he only texted Harry an apology and a thank you for the food. 

The fact that the older man texted back within moments telling him not to worry clearly confirmed what Niall had already known – Liam was the only one who had been this overly worried about him, and Harry would have probably not even taken the time of the day to call him again tonight, yet the other man had found a whole ass excuse just to drop by and check up on Niall.

It annoyed him to no end, and Niall told himself it was because he was more adult now than he had ever been and he wanted people to treat him as such. The real reason was that he actually only wanted Liam to see him that way, he didn’t really care about anyone else, it was fine for him if Harry and Louis treated him almost like their child.

Past Niall would have probably texted Liam to apologize, or gotten really sad over their fight, or played into it just to get Liam to pay attention to him, even if it was just the older man babying him again and treating him like his little brother.

But Niall was not like that anymore, and if Liam wanted to get pissed at Niall for living his life and hanging out with other people, possibly having relationships (obviously not with Zayn, but apparently Liam seemed to think it was a possibility), then he could get _really_ pissed now.

“You know… you might get more views if you just keep it off.” Niall heard himself say as he went after Zayn, knowing damn well that he was evil for the plan forming in his mind, but somehow he didn’t care one bit.

There was no way Liam was not gonna watch this video.

\---------------------

“Why would you do that?”

“I thought it’s what you wanted.”

Niall was just staring at Louis, not knowing what the fuck to say. So he had already made up with Liam a WEEK ago, literally on that same day Niall had thrown his door shut in Liam’s face, and he was only telling him NOW?!

“You only did it because you thought I wanted you to do it?” Niall continued, still not being able to wrap his head around this.

He had not spoken to Liam since that day, neither of them having texted the other, and Niall was probably really petty for hanging out with Zayn excessively and saying yes to every video idea he had and every selfie he wanted to take to put on his social media accounts. Truth was, it was kinda getting a bit too much, but whatever, Niall was only doing this out of revenge.

No idea what kinda revenge, but somehow it gave him satisfaction to imagine Liam getting jealous over the fact that Niall was hanging out with Zayn so much. No matter what exactly he was jealous about.

“No, but why are you getting mad? Did you want us to just never make up or something all of a sudden?” Louis laughed, and Niall realized he had been acting ridiculous just now, but he had truly just been surprised. 

“No, I just- I didn’t think you would ever do that. And I thought if you did ever make up then it would be Liam who would make the first step. Like, no offense.” No offense, but Louis had never been the person wanting to solve a conflict.

“Times and people change.” Was all the man said while shrugging and as Niall looked at him, he had to admit it was true. “I mean, look at both of us now and compare that to a year ago.”

“We should have documented it and Zayn could have made us famous by selling it as a glow up story.” The words left Niall’s mouth before he could have fully thought them through.

“Please stop using those internet words, I am literally way too old for that.” Louis complained, rubbing his temples as if he was getting a headache and Niall rolled his eyes, though his cheeks suddenly felt hot. “… what’s with you and Zayn anyways?”

“Why?” Niall asked, way too fast of course, and Louis’ eyes shifted, but he didn’t comment it. “What would be with us? We’re friends, we-“

“I just asked because you hang out so much these days. Why are you getting all nervous?” Shit.

“I’m not.” Niall denied it immediately, quickly getting up from his couch to go and check if his phone lying across the room had enough battery to unpluck it and bring it back with him. 

They were hanging out here because Harry was putting in some extra hours because of some difficult case he was currently working on and Louis had been bored and Niall hadn’t wanted to be alone. Also, he had been afraid that if he got really lonely, he would give in and text Liam, but he had of course not told Louis that.

It was Friday night, and Niall could actually not believe that they were both so sober and just spending time with one another like normal fucking friends, but here they were, doing exactly that, drinking _water_. Definitely a glow up, no matter how annoyed Louis acted hearing those words.

“Right.” Louis wasn’t buying it of course, he was always reading Niall like an open book. And sadly, one thing that hadn’t changed about him was the way he never seemed to hold back. “Do you like him?”

“’course, we are friends. Why would I not-“

“I mean, as more than friends.” Literally what the fuck?

“No?! He’s straight and-“

“Why’s that relevant? You could still like him.” Oh god, Niall’s cheeks were on FIRE even though he genuinely did not like Zayn like that, OBVIOUSLY, because… Liam. Maybe it would have been better if Niall liked Zayn instead, he didn’t even know if he was straight, he had just said it to make Louis shut up.

Not like that was a possibility though or as if Niall would get the choose, so whatever.

“I like him as just a friend, alright? We get along well and he’s always at the studio. Also, I like making videos with him, I was thinking maybe I should try my own luck with that.” Not completely a lie, and Niall had even told Zayn about it, who had encouraged him claiming his own viewers really loved Niall already and would surely watch him on his own as well. 

“Hmm.” Was all Louis made to that, and Niall refused to turn around, still scrolling through his phone, not being able to unpluck it now because it didn’t even have half the battery left. “What about Liam?”

“What? What about Liam?” Now Niall felt really caught. Was he really being THIS obvious?

“Do you still… you know.” Louis continued to push, and now Niall could really not turn around to look at him anymore unless he would have wanted to give himself away within half a second.

“Why?” Why would Louis need to know?

“Just asking.” Of course. “There’s no shame in liking someone.”

“It’s just pointless if they don’t like you back, so… “ Niall let out a humorless laugh, and he supposed Louis had his answer now anyways, so he might as well have just continued at this point. “I’ll get over it eventually. It’s already gotten better, if we don’t hang out for a while I almost forget about him.”

“Mhm. Sounds like it.” Louis’ voice sounded very sarcastic, but Niall chose to ignore it as best as he could. “Is that why you suddenly hang out with Zayn so much? Because-“

“Why are you investigating me, Lou? Can we not talk about something else? Work or something? How’d your interview go?” Niall tried his best to switch the topic, putting his phone down to walk back to the couch once it got too obvious.

“Alright, I guess.” Was all the man gave him and Niall wanted to roll his eyes, but he simply turned on the TV instead. “Really? That’s how your plan to make me shut up?”

“Yeah.” Niall confirmed, and Louis just laughed, but at least he finally gave up.

“Fine, then keep on pretending you don’t know that I know. But then you will also miss out on my brilliant advice.” He teased, the younger man staying quiet until curiosity got the best of him.

“… what advice?” Maybe it was useful, who knew? It surely couldn’t have gotten worse than it already was.

“Communication could go a long way.” Wow, and that out of LOUIS’ mouth?

“How would you know?” Niall joked, though they both knew it was 100% not a joke at all. 

“It’s what I’ve been told, anyway.” Louis played along, shrugging, then he reached over to ruffle Niall’s hair despite the younger’s protests. “You know… you deserve to be in a happy relationship. Especially after all this shit that happened the past few years.”

“Okay, and how do I find one, then? Since you seem to be an expert.” Niall hadn’t chosen to fall in love with Liam after all. 

He would have never chosen him for that.

“No idea. I just know that I couldn’t just be friends with Harry if he didn’t actually wanna be with me and that it would probably be a bad idea to hang out with other people just to try and make him jealous when I know it won’t change anything.” Oh.

“I… I’m not doing that. Zayn and I are friends, we get along and he-“

“I wasn’t even talking about you and Zayn.” Louis lied, but Niall still felt caught. “Just saying… if you wanna get over someone, like, REALLY, wanna get over them… you have to let them go completely. And let go of the hope too, if you already know it’s hopeless. I don’t know if it is, because I don’t even know Liam, but… ”

So he was basically saying it WAS hopeless, right? And yeah, Niall had known that, and probably everyone else knew it, too, he just… well, he was aware he had been making a fool of himself, still was, judging by how obvious the thing with Zayn had apparently gotten, but hearing it from someone else… 

“I’m not saying this to hurt you, Nialler… I actually wanna keep you from getting hurt even more.” His voice had turned softer now, and Niall just sighed, not really knowing what to reply. “In the beginning it was like… I truly despised Liam, but I had to admit to myself that I don’t actually know him anymore, and it’s none of my business who you like or don’t like, but I would give you the same advice if it were anyone else. I just don’t want you to get hurt, that is all.”

He knew Louis was right, that anyone in their right mind would have told Niall to distance himself from Liam, but it was like… Niall had complained to Liam about having done exactly that, HE had insisted they talk and to try and work this out, be friends again (almost best friends, until last week apparently) he couldn’t go and do the exact same thing to Liam now, could he?

Also, he wanted Liam in his life, so desperately that not talking to him for a week after their fight had felt like fucking eternity… on the other hand, there was already some kinda distance now, so if Niall intended on keeping it that way… he might as well have started right now, because if not… then when?

Only, how was he gonna do that if the mere thought of him and Liam simply never talking again made him wanna cry?

\----------------------

Liam had forgotten how many times he wrote a message only to delete it right after, telling himself that there was no point, that he was being ridiculous, as well as pretty fucking pathetic. Also, at this point, really immature.

He didn’t know if Niall had told anyone about their fight or whatever it had been, he just knew that Zayn knew, obviously because he had literally been there to witness it all front row, and the other man had also texted Liam a day later to work this out and Liam had simply told him it had had nothing to do with him, that he had simply had a bad day and taken it out on them by accident, that he was sorry.

Truth was, it had everything to do with Zayn.

After their fight, Niall had started to hang out with Zayn even more, and the reason Liam knew that was because apparently, he had become an obsessive stalker now and would check social media 300 times a day only to torture himself a little bit more.

He didn’t even know why exactly it did feel like torture. Realistically, he knew that Zayn and Niall weren’t romantically involved, and even if they had been… why would Liam have cared so much, anyways?

Why did Liam suddenly question if and if so, _when_ , Niall had fallen out of love with him? Or when he had stopped wanting to hang out with him so much? And is that not what they had both wanted, anyways? For them to be casual friends, mutually platonic?

Well, the fact that Liam spent 24/7 thinking about whatever Niall and Zayn were possibly doing with one another at any given second of the day kinda made it seem different and Liam hated himself for it.

He hated himself so much for all of this that it was almost making him sick. He didn’t even know how he managed to do his job still and to focus on all these different students during the day, listening to all their problems when he couldn’t even tell anyone his own and was unable to solve them by himself.

Well, he could have talked to Harry maybe, but then Liam would have had to also reflect and think about why he felt the way he did, and he really did not want to do that at all. Like, he didn’t wanna explore this in too much depth, afraid of what he would find out at this point.

Fact was, he and Niall had gotten along better than any time before during the past few months, they had finally been able to be friends without pressure, both of them living their lives and doing things together, discussing work and even joking about going on trips together, and now, all of a sudden, none of that seemed to matter anymore.

It was wrong to blame Zayn for that, but… if it hadn’t been for him… 

Liam usually stopped himself there, because he really did not want to think himself into a hole and have to question himself and his thoughts and feelings because he knew there was no use and it would have possibly made things a lot worse than they already were to begin with. 

He had a decision to make, and he had somehow been hoping that Niall would be making it for him by texting and apologizing first, but no. There had come nothing from the boy, no apology, no text, just nothing at all, and it made Liam wonder if this was how Niall had felt when Liam had started to distance himself.

Thinking about it that way almost made the situation a little bit ironic, but Liam couldn’t even bear to see the humor in it anymore. He just felt drained, physically, but mostly mentally. Again, even more ironic thinking about how he was dealing with other people’s mental problems all day as well.

“And how are you doing?” Liam’s mother had gone on a rant about her colleagues and patients for what felt like at least an hour and Liam had long stopped listening, he had put his phone on speaker beside himself while writing down some notes on his computer at work, just to trick himself into thinking that he was actually being productive during his lunch break.

“Yeah, good.” Liam lied, stopping the typing for a moment so she wouldn’t hear how distracted he had been this entire time. She probably knew, anyways, and he doubted that she cared because usually she always only needed a place to vent. 

“Are you still enjoying your job at the university?” She continued, and Liam told her yes, although he wasn’t sure at times.

It’s not the job though that was the problem and he knew it. This entire situation with Niall had been lasting for 8 months now. 8 months since Niall had come to Liam’s office and all of this had started, and now here they were.

Liam could barely believe it, and he was slightly afraid to imagine what another 8 months might do to them, and their friendship. If they even still had one then, because right at this second, he wouldn’t have exactly bet on it.

“Maybe next week we could meet up sometime, I’ve taken a couple days off.” Normally, Liam would have been excited to see his mother and for her to be the one suggesting it, but now he kinda didn’t even care too much.

“Sure.” He agreed without thinking, because honestly, he was free every day after work and all weekend anyways, as pathetic as that sounded. “Just tell me when would be good for you.”

They continued to talk and then agreed on a day, but his mother let him know that it was possible that she would have to switch things around again and Liam told her that it was fine, that he had nothing else planned anyways and she probably wondered what was wrong with him, but didn’t say anything about that. He also wouldn’t have cared if she had cancelled, they barely saw each other nowadays, so where was the difference, anyways?

Sometimes, Liam couldn’t even remember when the last time he had seen his father had been, either. They did talk on the phone occasionally, but it had started to feel like a chore and honestly, there weren’t even any hard feelings or anything.

But maybe Liam had also kind of stopped putting in the effort, because he had been so busy with work and other things (mostly Niall, of course, but he refrained from giving himself extra reasons to think about the boy when he had way too many already) over the past couple months and it had made him realize that he had always been the one putting in most of the work and Liam wasn’t one to run after people usually. Not even his own parents.

But now with Niall it was like… deep down, Liam knew he should have texted first, that it was his turn now, he should have apologized for what he had done, but on the other hand he was still upset, so how could he have truly meant it? Sure, he wasn’t upset with with Niall, but with himself, but still.

Liam was basically upset that he was even upset in the first place, that was the main issue, and he would have had to forgive himself first or at least sat down and really thought about what it was that he wanted or hoped would happen, but he just… couldn’t.

When Liam finally went home that day, he didn’t feel as if he had gotten much work done at all. It was Friday and he had absolutely no plans even though it was much earlier than usually because the last student that had been supposed to come in had cancelled on him last minute.

Usually, Liam would have texted Niall now, or the boy would have already texted him, and they’d probably hang out and not do anything except talk and eat at either of their places and Liam hadn’t known he could miss simple things like that, but he really, really did. And more so than with any of his other friends.

And it hadn’t even been very long that he and Niall had become friends like that, but he had missed Niall living with him and now he was missing him as just a presence in his life and god, was Liam losing his mind? Would they ever figure this out or were they truly cursed?

Would it have been better if they just gave up on it altogether? Because the longer Liam thought about it… there was always _something_ getting in the way of them being friends, was there not? Also, Niall had the life he had always wanted now, who was Liam trying to force his way back in, even if Niall had claimed he wanted him there multiple times, but … deep down, Liam still believed it would have been better for them to keep their distance, for Niall’s sake.

Then again… it seemed the boy had gotten over his feelings for Liam fairly quickly anyways and Liam didn’t wanna think about why he even wondered if he had done anything wrong for that to happen, because he had WANTED it to be happen, after all. Shouldn’t he have been happy about it, too? Just as happy as he should have been about Niall and Zayn being such great friends, and yet…

Speaking of Zayn, he was the only one who had texted Liam today, and Liam had never answered because he had pretended to be super busy with work. Truth was, he was just being petty for no reason at all, so he had to actually force himself to answer the text in a neutral tone once he home even though he would have loved to ignore it.

Ignoring it would have not gone well with the story Liam had told Zayn to excuse his embarrassing behavior last week, and also not with the story Liam had been trying to make himself believe, so there was that. It was complicated, but it all boiled down to him having to answer that stupid text, so he did before he could have changed his mind again or found another excuse.

There was an answer on his phone not even 5 minutes later.

_Zayn 16:43  
No worries! Whatre you doing tonight? I was supposed to film this brand deal, but I got it done more quickly than I thought. If you want we could hang out, im only gonna edit it in the middle of the night anyways haha_

No, Liam did NOT want to hang out with Zayn tonight. But on the other hand… what was that strange feeling that came upon him once he realized that that meant Zayn was not with Niall?

Oh, it was relief. And Liam hated himself for recognizing it on an instant but he still couldn’t help but be put into a slightly better mood. Which was still an awful mood, to be fair.

It took him 10 whole minutes trying to come up with arguments as to why he couldn’t hang out with Zayn other than that he was truly pissed that Niall and Zayn were great friends when he knew he shouldn’t have cared at all and was also telling himself that he didn’t care.

In the end, Liam had no choice but to either admit to himself that he was jealous or to ignore that feeling and answer his friend like he usually would have before all of this had happened.

Obviously, he had to go for the second option because he just loved nothing more than lying to himself all day long.

_To Zayn 16:59  
Sure, we can hang out, ive got nothing planned_

Upon sending the text, Liam realized that now he would truly have to actually hang out with Zayn and also talk to him and possibly do that for hours without letting his thoughts and feelings show.

He only really let that sink once it was way too late though and Zayn had already answered a second later, seemingly excited for some reason as he told Liam to come over whenever he wanted to and that he would order them food.

Now Liam was even letting Zayn pay for his food as if he hadn’t spent entire weeks secretly cursing him for something the other man had not even done and he should have felt bad, but he kinda didn’t feel anything at all anymore. Liam was a terrible friend, was he not?

\--------------------

“Oh, and look at that one too. Some of these people are so fucking funny, I swear.” Zayn was laughing showing Liam some comments underneath one of his recent videos that had apparently been an overnight hit (which, sadly, Liam had already known about thanks to his newly found hobby as stalker) and Liam forced himself to grin. At least it wasn’t a video with Niall in it, and it was sad that Liam knew that because he had already seen every video Zayn had uploaded since Niall and Liam had had… their fight last week.

He had also read a lot of the comments already, had forced himself to keep reading even when Zayn’s viewers (and Liam refused to think of them as fans or whatever because this was just Zayn, his friend) had pointed out how great the chemistry between Niall and Zayn was, how Zayn got funnier when he was around Niall too, and how that one person had deemed it necessary to suggest that they would probably make a great couple. Instant thumbs down.

“They really are.” Liam confirmed before clearing his throat, feeling slightly awkward now because he was aware his reactions had been really dull. Not his fault though, they couldn’t find all the same things funny, right?

He had only been here for like 1.5 hours, but they had finished the food and Liam was pretty sure Zayn had not noticed that anything was up with him so far, but now that that was done, Liam had no idea how long he could keep up that façade for before he would combust or something. Possibly even yell at Zayn just to make himself feel better, as wrong and pointless as that would have been.

Liam missed the times when Zayn had also worked on other projects and taught online classes and hadn’t mainly been concentrating on his influencer career or whatever it was called now. Then again, he knew he only missed those times because Zayn used to be a lot busier back then and wouldn’t have had that much time to hang out with Niall if he had still been doing all that, which was a pathetic reason, so Liam tried to just suppress that wish whenever it came up.

The usual.

“So… you make a lot of videos now, huh?” Liam just hadn’t been able to bite his tongue any longer, he regretted it, but Zayn seemed very willing to talk about it, euphoric even that the other man had asked in the first place. To be fair, Liam had kinda ignored it until now, which was really fucking rude considering they were friends, but… 

Liam wondered if Zayn was still thinking about last week too when he asked about the videos. Like, they had briefly made up over text and everything, but Liam had no idea whether Niall had told anyone that they basically weren’t on speaking terms anymore since then. 

Not that Liam thought anyone would have cared all that much because no one in their right mind would have spent as much time thinking about this as Liam, but still. 

“Yeah, I feel like since I really started to focus on that, it’s really taken off. And it’s so much fun, I really enjoy it so much more than I originally thought I would. It’s also less stressful, I can mostly just work on my own time and do things when I want to do them, it’s great.” Zayn was thriving, and the way he talked about his job, it almost got Liam jealous. He had never felt this way about his own job, he doubted whether else he knew had.

Then again, maybe Liam was just in a not so great place right now and was heavily influenced by that. At least inside his head, and the other man wasn’t really helping with that in that moment.

“People also really enjoy my collabs with Niall.” Zayn blurted out, and he seemed to realize his mistake on an instant, but they both stayed silent for a moment. “I mean… he’s really funny and stuff, so… “

“He is.” Liam confirmed, pressing his lips together, not really knowing what else to say. Watching Niall in Zayn’s videos was a little bit of torture for Liam, seeing how happy he was, how he truly seemed to enjoy himself … so naturally, Liam forced himself to watch every single video until the very end and then wonder whether Niall ever felt this way when he was around Liam as well. Not that he’d know, because he had never filmed their interactions to watch them back, obviously, and there might have not been any left now anyways.

“He could totally start his own channel, he’d be able to quit the studio in no time.” Zayn was saying it maybe to make Liam feel better or to resolve the obvious tension in the air, but he was somehow only making it worse. 

“I think he enjoys his job there though.” Was all Liam said, but then he realized… how would he have known? Zayn probably knew that a lot better than him at this point.

“Yeah… “ Was all the other man replied, then he cleared his throat, the awkward silence stretching over another few seconds before he finally broke it again. As expected. “Uh, listen… because of last week-“

“We really don’t have to talk about it again, I’m still sorry I took my mood out on you and Niall.” Liam lied, forcing himself to another smile. It only occurred to him now how fucking quiet it was in here because Zayn’s apartment was up too high and no street noise was reaching them in here with the windows closed because of the heat. 

Only thing audible beside their voices was the air condition, but it had become a background noise, too.

“It’s fine, you don’t need to be sorry. It was just… a weird situation.” At least they agreed on that. “… did you talk to Niall about it, too?”

For a second, Liam thought about lying, but then… Zayn probably knew the truth anyways, because there was just no way he didn’t considering how much time he and Niall seemed to spend together.

Honestly, a couple times Liam had thought they might have as well just moved in together, but then he had had to remind himself to come back to reality and not get lost in his misplaced anger.

“No.” Was all he said before shrugging, staring at some piece of art Zayn had on his wall opposite the couch they were sitting on. How come Liam had never noticed that? It would have been a great opportunity to just switch the topic and ask about it, thinking about it. “There was nothing to say.”

“But you and I talked about it too, and-“

“I know.” Liam interrupted, trying to show his friend that he was not in the mood to discuss this with him. Or anyone, for that matter, because… no. “Can we talk about something else?”

“Um, sure, but… you and Niall… “ Zayn started, and Liam had to refrain from rolling his eyes because he could already sense that there weren’t gonna be done with this anytime soon. “… are you even still talking after last week? Because-“

“I’m sure Niall already told you.” … or had he?

“He didn’t say anything. I also didn’t ask, I mean, it’s not really any of my business, it’s just- I felt a bit responsible because of how it happened. I thought… I thought you two talked this out for sure as well.” He sounded genuinely surprised and Liam was, too, because he would have thought Niall would have talked to Zayn about it.

Seeing how great friends they were and all.

“You’re not responsible for anything.” Liam told him, though it felt like a lie and probably also sounded like one. He couldn’t blame Zayn for some narrative he had made up inside of his head though, could he? Liam needed to really just get it the fuck together. “We’ll be fine, just… a bit of a misunderstanding.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Jesus Christ.

“Not really.” Liam admitted, having to really hold back at this point because he could feel himself getting impatient, wanting to get up and just drive home and distract himself with whatever. Maybe even just go to bed and sleep all day tomorrow and Sunday too, because why the hell not, Liam could do what he wanted, just like everyone else did what they wanted too.

“… okay. But you’re not back to how you were a while ago, right? Like, when Niall moved out on his own and-“

“It doesn’t matter. We’re not- look, me and Niall are friends, we just had a bit of a fight, it’ll be fine.” Or maybe not.

“Alright, sorry I asked.” He sounded really guilty now and Liam only hated himself even more for his reaction, but he couldn’t exactly take it back now and just taking a breath to try and calm down seemed like a bit much of an effort. “I was actually gonna ask Niall because I was wondering since last week, but… “

“But what?” Liam half snapped, because if they couldn’t move on from this topic because Zayn kept talking about it each and every time after apologizing, they might as well just say everything right now.

“Uh- well, I consider Niall my friend, but it’s not like… like you and I are friends. You know what I mean?” No, Liam had no idea what he meant. “We’re not that close. Not like you and me.”

“How can you not be close if you literally hang out every single day? You and I barely see each other.” Liam blurted out, and Zayn raised his eyebrows at him, which made Liam’s face a lot hotter than it should have been right now so he quickly turned his head again. Shit.

“It’s not _every_ day, I just had a few ideas during the past week and he was always free and willing to help me or to just hang out.” What a coincidence. Like, Liam wasn’t arrogant enough to think Niall was doing this on purpose now, but somehow it kinda felt like he did. Or maybe he really just liked Zayn this extremely much, how would Liam have known? He also let him run around shirtless in his apartment. “I mean… we do get along well, but it’s still different. He’s more like a little brother to me, I’m guessing you know what I mean.”

Liam only shrugged, because he had stopped thinking that about Niall a long time ago and he wasn’t even sure when exactly that had happened.

“Also… I’d love to have you in some of my videos as well. Or to hang out more. But whenever I ask, you’re usually busy and I know I have a very different lifestyle and I don’t wanna constantly get on your nerves when I know you have a lot of work to do.” Great, now Zayn was pouring salt into all the wounds, making Liam feel that much guiltier by being nice and understanding when all the other man was doing was… being a fucking asshole.

Truth was, Liam had been lying about being busy. And when he had gotten tired of all the lying, he had purposely been working over hours just to MAKE himself busy. But also to distract himself from reality and his own, stupid, life.

“It’s also kinda convenient that Niall works at the studio, because I used to go visit my friends there all the time even before Niall started working there so now it’s kinda like… he just fits in with us.” Zayn continued, shrugging a bit, sounding as if he was trying to excuse the fact that they had become friends and were hanging out this excessively. “And he-“

“Why are you telling me all that? I don’t care if the two of you get along or not.” Okay, that had come out VERY wrong, but whatever, Liam wasn’t even embarrassed anymore. “You can also hang out every day, it’s none of my business. All I said was that you and him are probably closer than you and I anyways.”

“Umm… you and I have been friends for _years_ , just because we haven’t really hung out a lot recently doesn’t mean that changed? For me, at least.” When he added the last part, his voice had gotten noticeably harder and Liam did register that in the back of his mind, and he knew he had to be careful now in choosing his words, but he just… wasn’t, because he didn’t care.

“Okay.” Was all he said, and he knew it sounded cold and distant, and pissed off, and the truth was, Liam WAS and felt all those things and it was driving him insane to be sitting here pretending it was all good when the last week had been hell for him.

To be fair, things had felt like his own personal hell for longer than just a week, pretty much since that day Niall had told him he would be moving out, but he felt that the past few days had just been pushing him closer and closer to his breaking point. 

“Okay?” Zayn sounded unsure, but also kinda mad, and honestly, the silence between them was truly what was the tipping point for Liam.

He just couldn’t take this anymore, he was pissed at Zayn, at Harry, at Niall, at himself, at his parents, at- everyone and everything at this point. It was just enough now.

“I’m gonna go.” He got up immediately, not even wanting to hear what Zayn had to say about that anymore because why would it have mattered right now? There was nothing he could have said to make Liam stay. “Thanks for the food and-“

“Are you really being serious right now?” The other man asked, but Liam ignored him. If he hadn’t, he would have started yelling and saying out loud all those things he knew would have only jeopardized their friendship, possibly forever.

Liam shouldn’t have come in the first place, he should have made up a believable excuse and spared them both the trouble and the stress.

“Liam, seriously? What the fuck?” Zayn was starting to sound more upset by the second, with every step Liam took towards the door, and it seemed he also finally had enough once Liam had reached his shoes. “Is this because I was shirtless at Niall’s place last week? Because if so then you really got some thinking to do for yourself.”

“You can be completely naked at Niall’s place, I couldn’t care less.” Liam snapped, but the tone of his voice probably gave away his real feelings anyways. 

“Okay, so it really IS about that.” Zayn concluded dryly as Liam slipped on his shoes, slowly coming over as well. “Well, thanks for taking your jealousy out on me even though I didn’t do anything at all. Really sweet of you.”

“I’m not jealous.” Liam told him immediately, too quickly, but whatever. It was all already lost at this point, was it not? He had screwed up and somehow it felt good to just be able to get it all out, as unfair as it was, as much as he would surely regret this in a day, possibly a few hours. “Look, you can be best buddies with Niall, you can do go knows what with him, I don’t care, not one bit. I came over last week because I was worried about him, so was Harry, and excuse me for being upset with him for ignoring his phone for an entire day just to film a stupid video with you and then throw his door shut in my face when I call him out on it, but it’s really none of your business what him and I fight about.”

“It IS my business, because this was clearly triggered by me being there. Also, Niall’s an adult, he doesn’t need to respond to every single text the moment he gets one. And if Harry was that worried and upset with him, he could have just told him so himself, or come over instead of you. But he didn’t. In fact, Harry didn’t even seem to care all that m-“

“And you know that because?” Liam interrupted, knowing it only made him sound more jealous, but like, what the hell? Who knew, Harry and Zayn were probably hanging out on a daily now as well, Liam wouldn’t have even been surprised anymore.

“Because Niall told me.” Zayn rolled his eyes, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “Damn, you really are jealous.”

“I’m leaving.” The other man announced before his face could get even redder. Mostly from anger, partly from embarrassment, a little bit because he had so many mean things to say that he hated himself for it and was struggling to hold back.

“If you really walk out now then don’t expect me to text you and to try and figure this out again. I’m done, Liam, you can’t treat your friends like that and expect them to just swallow it, you know? I don’t know what you and Niall have going on and what this is really about, but you, out of all people, should know that nothing will ever change if you don’t fucking talk about it. Like, are you really that proud that you can’t even admit to yourself that maybe you actually might have feelings for him too?” What?!

“I don’t have feelings for him! Why would-“

“Seriously? You are the most stubborn person I’ve ever met. But fine, believe what you want, I don’t care, push us all away, do whatever, Liam. I just think it’s really funny that you were trying to lecture Niall about being more responsible and more mature and yet _you_ are the one refusing to talk about your problems and feelings and acting like a goddamn child throwing a fit.” Okay, enough was enough.

“Believe what you want, I don’t care. Good luck with your career or whatever you call it.” And then Liam just walked out, and he didn’t expect Zayn to come after him, but he also didn’t expect him to throw the door shut so loudly behind him.

So… another friend down?

\-----------------------

“I’m just gonna- Zayn’s calling you.” Louis casually told Niall as he walked past his still charging phone on his way to the bathroom, and Niall kinda didn’t feel like answering, but then he got up to go and get it anyway. “I’ll be right back.”

Niall didn’t answer, because he didn’t care how long Louis would take in the bathroom anyways, waiting another moment for the door to close before answering the call.

“Hi, what’s up?” He half expected Zayn to ask him to hang out, and Niall debated whether he could have said yes and just brought Louis along, but turned out, the reason for Zayn’s call was a very different one.

And he also sounded as if he was literally about to go out and strangle someone judging by the tone in his voice.

“Yeah, not much.” Zayn told him, then he suddenly laughed a bit humorlessly and Niall felt super weird. What the fuck? “I just thought I’d call to tell you that Liam is a fucking arsehole and that if you wanna talk to him ever again you might wanna do it as soon as possible because I might murder him.”

“Umm… what?” Niall was taken aback hearing Zayn talk like that, about LIAM, and also- was he drunk? Maybe high? Because this sounded like something Louis would have done a couple months ago, but certainly not ZAYN. He never really lost his cool like that “Did you have anything to drink or-“

“No. But thank you for saying that because I could really use a drink right now.” There was movement in the background and Niall just stood there in his living room, not knowing what to say anymore. “What are you doing?”

“Not much, Louis is here and we- what the hell happened? Did you talk to Liam? Or did he-“

“We were hanging out and he was being all- well, maybe you should just ask him yourself. That would be a lot of fun, please mention my name as many times as possible just to piss him off. I can promise you that he surely won’t come talk to you himself because his head is really that thick, he’d rather lose all of his friends than actually think about what he’s doing and how it’s effecting everyone around him at this point. But as your friend, right now I really just wanna advise you to block his ass.” Oh.

“I… I don’t know what to say. And I also have no idea what you’re talking about or what happened that got you so angry, but- me and Liam aren’t exactly… on speaking terms. Right now, anyways. Because-“

“Because he’s so jealous about me and you spending time together that he can’t even bring himself to text you and apologize for last week?” Okay, so not only Louis had noticed what Niall had been doing, apparently. 

“I… I’m not sure if he’s really jealous or-“

“Niall, seriously. I know I shouldn’t have called you just now and said all those things and I will probably regret them in a couple hours, but- I just had to. And just- talk to Liam or something. He won’t ever talk to you again if you don’t and it’s not because he doesn’t care but because he’s stubborn and jealous. And an idiot. Now you know.” Did he?

“I don’t know if-“

“Just trust me. But it’s your decision. I gotta go, I need to shoot something on a livestream or I might be going insane and truly kill Liam.” And then he ended the call, leaving Niall standing there wondering what was even going on in this world anymore.

Why was his entire world revolving around Liam anyway?

“What did he want?” Louis asked casually as he came back and Niall just stared at him, kinda right through him, not knowing what the fuck to say.

“I… I’m not sure.” He admitted, letting Zayn’s words sink in a bit further, trying to figure out what the hell had happened, and most of all, thinking about whether he could trust Zayn on this and actually follow his advice. The one about talking to Liam, not the one about blocking him, because what would have been the use of that? Liam was ignoring him anyways and according to Zayn, would continue to do so until the end of time unless Niall would be the bigger person.

And also, in the middle of all of this chaos, why the hell was it still getting Niall excited to think that his plans of making Liam jealous had actually had the desired effect? When literally, just minutes ago, he had been debating whether to use this one week distance between them to get over the older man?

He was truly fucked up.

\----------------------

Niall wasn’t sure why he was here, and he was also 100% certain that Louis didn’t know it either, but he hadn’t tried to talk the boy out of it when Niall had told him an hour after Zayn’s call that he needed to leave because he was going to Liam’s place.

Louis had certainly had more than just one question, but in the end, he had just made Niall promise to be careful and to really think this through.

Niall had promised, but he had not thought this through, at all.

He was now in front of Liam’s building, all alone, in the middle of the night, sweating his ass off because it was July, debating whether to actually ring the doorbell.

How ironic would it have been, for Liam to not even be home now?

Niall was nervous, but he also decided that tonight was really the night to just put all his cards on the table, no more lies, no more bullshit. They needed to talk about everything and he didn’t care if this would break them and their friendship completely, Niall just needed to KNOW.

He just needed a plan, and he needed to know whether he needed to take a week off to cry over cutting ties with Liam or whether they would actually manage to be friends in the long run.

Right now, the first option seemed more likely.

Some person left the building, allowing Niall to catch the door, and he almost had to laugh thinking how similar this situation was to last week when Liam had shown up uninvited to HIS place.

How the tables had turned.

Niall’s heart was beating way too fast as he hurried upstairs, standing in front of the door and finding himself wishing Liam wasn’t home as he forced himself to ring the doorbell, but then also knock.

He hadn’t even planned what he would say, hadn’t even thought about it, he just knew he needed for them to finally talk this out. For real this time.

It took so long for Liam to answer the door that Niall thought he was either not home or asleep, and he was almost relieved, hating himself for it, only for his heart to skip 10 beats as the older man did open the front door out of nowhere.

They had not seen each other in a week, and the last time they had, Niall had thrown a door shut in Liam’s face, their positions switched compared to right now.

The only difference was that this time, they were really alone. And also, it seemed that Niall was the only sober one.

“Let me guess. Zayn?” Was all Liam said, and then he laughed, and Niall already knew then and there that he had been drinking.

It was a shock, to say the least, because he knew Liam NEVER drank, or hadn’t in the past few months, so… whatever had happened between him and Zayn… it must have been bad.

Also, Niall’s plan on working this out tonight had just gone out of the window.

“You’re drunk.” Niall ignored what Liam had said, kinda having to say it out loud to actually believe it. “What happened?”

“Why do you care?” Liam asked back, clearly tipsy, and Niall didn’t know whether he was supposed to feel guilty.

He kinda felt guilty for last week, but also… he didn’t feel as if he had done anything wrong. And Liam hadn’t tried reaching out either, so that feeling was clearly mutual.

“Why wouldn’t I care? You never drink. You always told me that I shouldn’t solve my problems with-“

“Yeah, so what? Why’s that matter? I can do what I want.” The older man argued, sounding like a teenager now, and Niall would have laughed if this situation hadn’t been so fucking ridiculous. “What are you doing here?”

“I thought we should talk, because of last week and- everything. But if you’re drunk-“

“I’m perfectly fine.” Liam insisted, and he was clearly NOT, but it looked like he was offering Niall to enter, so that’s what Niall did.

If he had had doubts about Liam being drunk, the bottle on the counter was answer enough. 

“There’s still some left, if you want some.” The older man offered, laughing when he saw Niall’s shocked expression. “What, suddenly you don’t drink anymore? I would’ve thought you and Zayn would surely do a video doing shots together soon. For the views.”

Maybe Zayn had been right.

“Liam, this is- you should probably sit down, honestly.” Niall suddenly got a bit worried, because it was obvious Liam’s balance was off because he wasn’t used to drinking, so he probably didn’t know his limits either. “How much have you had?”

“Funny how you’re the one asking me that.” It kinda was, but not in a way that made Niall want to laugh. “And I’m fine. I’m brilliant. Never felt better.”

“Liam-“

“So, what do you wanna talk about? I assume Zayn already told you what happened, he was really pissed.” Somehow, that seemed to amuse Liam, and Niall almost wanted to pinch himself as he watched Liam drink straight from the damn bottle of whatever it was. “He-“

“Liam, seriously, I think you need to stop.” Niall tried to sound firmer, his own head spinning a bit as he walked over to where the older man was standing, reaching out for the bottle he was holding. “Give it to me.”

“What if I don’t? It’s mine, and you don’t even drink anymore.” Liam was refusing to give it to him, and it was getting so fucking ridiculous that Niall didn’t even notice how close they ended up to each other. “Just say what you wanna say, I’ve still got plans for later.”

“Yeah, like what? Down another bottle and choke on your own vomit?” Niall raised an eyebrow and Liam just laughed at him, his breath smelling like vodka. Amazing. 10/10. Exactly how Niall had planned for this night to go. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“With ME?!” The older man laughed hysterically and Niall got chills, feeling as if he had fallen straight into a nightmare, or another universe. Neither would have been good. “Nothing is wrong with me, nothing at all. Also, I didn’t ask you to come, we’re not even speaking to each other right now, so you can’t tell me what to do.”

“This is just insane.” Niall muttered, more to himself, really, but like… what? “Just stop being difficult and give me the damn bottle, Liam, this isn’t funny.”

“It is kinda funny.” Liam argued, and the cocky smile on his face honestly made Niall want to punch him. “I was really surprised Zayn wanted to hang out tonight. Did you two break up?”

“Oh my god. Seriously? This is REALLY what this is all about? You’re jealous?” Niall couldn’t believe this, any of it, it was just… why? Why was this happening? And why was he now surprised that his plan had actually WORKED but then backfired like this? “There’s nothing going on between Zayn and I. We are friends. And if there _was_ something going on between us, why the fuck would you even care?”

That question did silence Liam, and his face got a bit sadder, and when he put the bottle down with a thump, Niall suddenly realized how close they still were and of course his body was immediately betraying him.

There was silence, so much of it that Niall had to swallow hard, blink a few times and then look away because he couldn’t stand to be so close to Liam AND look at him at the same time. 

At the same time, Niall was aware of the older man’s stare, the way he was studying his face, and it was truly uncomfortable considering the conversation they were having and the fact that Liam was completely smashed. 

Apparently, he had drank enough to a point where he had no brain function left.

“Why’d you stop liking me?” He suddenly blurted out and Niall was so surprised that he looked at him by accident.

“What? I-“

“Is it something I did?” What the fuck?!

“I- I didn’t stop liking you. That’s the whole problem, isn’t it? And also- what the fuck, Liam? Why would you even ask me that and why would you want me to continue l-“

“So, you still like me?” Liam sounded hopeful and now Niall’s head was TRULY spinning because… this was an actual nightmare. He must have been an awful person in some past life. 

“I can’t believe we are having this conversation. Are you really that much of an arrogant ass that you want me to like you when you KNOW you will never like me back? Like, are you actually jealous of Zayn because you’re afraid I might develop feelings for him and get over you? Because if so then you are really-“

And Niall never got to finish, because before he could put into words how much of an asshole that would make Liam, the older man’s hands were cupping his face and he was pressing his lips against Niall’s as if he had been waiting to do it for years.

The thing was, Niall was so shocked, he couldn’t move for an embarrassingly long time, and when he did come back to his sense, he kissed Liam back automatically, because he was NOT immune to him, and he still liked him, always would, and just for the split of a second, everything was fine and Niall almost felt happy, euphoric 

And then, reality came crushing back down on him. Hard.

“ _No_.” Niall told Liam as firmly as he could manage after pushing the older man back, his head feeling foggy, the taste of alcohol and Liam on his lips still as they stared at one another. “Fuck you.”

“Niall-“

“Seriously. You’re insane, why would you-“

“I like you, too.” Liam blurted out, and Niall would have LOVED to believe him, and his heart wanted to as well, but sadly, he couldn’t.

“You’re drunk. And- fuck, Liam, why would you- I can’t do this. I really can’t. I-“

“But I mean it! I do. It almost killed me seeing you with Zayn all the time, I had to leave his place today because I thought I would literally break his skull, he-“

“Stop. Just… stop. Please.” Niall begged, feeling tears filling his eyes as he took a couple steps back, bringing more distance between them, his hands shaking. 

“Ni-“

“Shut up.” The younger boy interrupted, trying to desperately regulate his breathing. This couldn’t be happening, he couldn’t allow himself to be hopeful, he just- he couldn’t do this. “Liam, this- this is insane. And you’re drunk. And if you really did like me-“

“I do, I-“

“Then you just went about it the worst way possible. We are not doing it like this. You can’t just play with my fucking feelings like that and just decide all of this for yourself. I… I need time to think about this. If you still mean it when you’re sober, that is.” 

And Niall highly doubted that, and for the split of a second, he understood how Liam had felt those two times that Niall had kissed him out of nowhere as well.

Only, Liam hadn’t gotten his heart ripped to absolute shreds in the process.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> almost still on time, im sorry!!! i finished this chapter 2 minutes ago rip. also surprise, there will be another chapter next week because i just couldnt pull this off any other way! i hope you enjoyed it! cant believe it took us 20 chapters to get to this point :')
> 
> i will answer the rest of your comments now! im sorry, my life has been crazy weird and idk whats even going on anymore, but i hope you somewhat enjoyed this chapter and that there arent too many mistakes! let me know if you find any please D: and of course also your general thoughts & feelings, as usual!
> 
> love you guys, have a good week!!! <3


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